Thank you!

I am not sure if anyone reads these any longer, but I have made the decision to stop blogging at this time.  I want to thank each of you for your prayers and support along the way!  When I think back to the fact that we made Bethany and Phillip parents, it still doesn't resonate.  It is like I have to pinch myself often.  I appreciate each of your time as you read and shared in the entire experience.  What a difficult, beautiful journey it was.  

Maybe one day we can publish a book about the experience.  Just a thought...after all, it all started with just an offer.

tunes have changed

It is so strange how Meade's teacher doesn't give updates any longer on the app we were supposed to download - it is only once a week now apparently.  I can't imagine that checking or highlighting 8 things really takes up that much time at the end of the day.  It has been a busy week getting ready for her birthday party Saturday.  She took cupcakes to class today and came home with two.  I asked if the teacher ate one or not and she said nope.  Look, lady, just take it and throw it in the trash.  It hurts the kids feelings if you don't take a cupcake for her birthday.  If you're worried about death talk, here's one way to be sensitive to a child!

I'm a little overwhelmed but so excited for this weekend. 

I got an email from the dance place where Meade has class on Wednesday evenings.  It mentioned needing help in the lobby.  I had no idea that when I opened it, it was asking for parents to refrain from cursing in the lobby since there are children always around.  Really?  No fucks given to this, although it probably was me.  I can't think of a time when I cussed yesterday but that means nothing.  Cursing is part of my normal vocabulary and I try to be mindful of little ears around.  There were classes late until after we left, so maybe, just maybe they were talking about someone else?

Right before Christmas, I stopped everyone in the lobby right in the tracks because someone was talking about the Legendary Santa and I offered that the REAL Legendary Santa from the Children's Museum died last year.  True stuff.  You would have thought I walked in naked, belting out Whitney Houston or something.  Everyone shut up, there was one child who's mom covered her ears.  Get real people!  This is life!  If you are teaching that the photo op Santas are the real deal, that is on you.  It's always something!

2 days/2 wins

I didn't see that coming!

Jacob and I both went and toured different daycares yesterday morning.  We liked them both and it is a little relief to know we have options.  By the time I had gotten out of my tour, I had been playing phone tag with a counselor that I left a message with last week.  She is willing to see not just Meade, but BOTH kids, in two weeks!  What?  Is this real?  I don't know but I am taking it as a huge win!

I met with Meade, her teacher, and the lead teacher yesterday afternoon via Zoom.  Not ideal, but I will take it.  I greeted Meade with a big smile and asked how her day was going.  She said good and was smiling back.  I asked her teacher to confirm or tell me the real story, which she would not do because Meade was right there.  That is what this is about, lady!  Get it out in the open!  Let her be accountable for her shitty behavior.  Come on!

The conversation was then led by the lead teacher with mostly information.  Then, the lead teacher turned to "play" with Meade so that the teacher and I could talk without Meade in the mix.  Very counter-productive of the entire reason for the meeting, but I knew I wasn't going to get anywhere fast.  A million more reasons of why Meade isn't a good fit.  Thanks, noted.  Now what?  Well, they are going to send her home with a piece of paper each day with the classroom rules.  Check marks for what she followed and highlights for where we need improvements.  Two weeks to see improvement or then she needs to be removed.  

Meade came home yesterday with four checks and four items highlighted.  I could definitely envision worse.  Today, Meade came home with ALL checks and a big smiley face and a WOW!  See, she CAN do it!  Another HUGE win!  I'll take all I can get at this point and was so happy I started crying and Meade definitely didn't understand that.  Oops.  No school tomorrow, Wednesday, so who knows what Thursday and Friday will bring.

limited fucks

Jacob and I had my cousin, Christopher, and his wife, Angie, over for supper and games yesterday evening.  We didn't even eat supper, frankly.  We had plenty of snacks though!  It was such a great time being with them, completely open and honest, having fun all at the same time.  

One thing I learned from them was what Christopher often says, "this isn't worth a fuck."  Maybe this will be my new mantra to focus on what really matters.  When we think about life, we have a limited amount of fucks to give.  The next situation we face may not be worth a fuck.  Make sense?  It definitely resonated with me!

I wish I could stop worrying over Meade.  I cuss Ricky all the time for dying (like it was his fault) because I think that the grief is what has made her very strong-willed self more difficult to work with.  These next two weeks we need to see vast improvement in order to keep her in the preschool program.  I know she can do it, but will she?  There's no telling and until I have to worry about it, I need to just breathe.

Oh Meade - a clingy gal that blurts out and makes less than great decisions one hundred percent of the time and talks about death turned into we can no longer support the kid that is grieving and trying to figure out life. But they can do that. This is a very privileged opportunity. If Meade takes up too much time, those that are there for the services they receive due to diagnoses are unable to get the attention they deserve. I get it. I’m torn.

Everything in me says take her out. Remove her now. My mind and my heart agree. Fuck money. Things will get worse and I’ll be stressed out each day wondering if she is too bothersome and it’s the final straw. Get her scheduled to start in a week or two. Wing it in the meantime.  This makes it easier on me, not her, which is doing Meade an injustice.  I will do my best to take it as it comes and see how the virtual meeting with Meade and her teachers goes tomorrow.  I'm holding on tight and bracing for the ride!

fabulous friday

Hah, if only!  It feels like I am failing everything in my life, with the exception of work.  I have been thanked several times this week for what I have done and told that I am doing a great job.  However, at home, I feel as though I am failing in my marriage and failing more so as a parent.  How do I overcome this feeling and just get my shit together so that I can be the best I can be for everyone?

It is no one else’s fault in Meade’s program that she has been through so much and has trouble controlling herself.  It is not my fault.  It is not my fault.  I have written that and erased it several times because I want to take blame.  The situations were not in my control – it is not my fault.  While I cannot be blamed for what has happened, I have not always thought coherently about how to address what we have been through as a family and done enough to ensure my children have the appropriate coping mechanisms to move forward responsibly.  

As my Nanny used to say “this is an age, stage, or phase and this too shall pass.”  Please pass.  I am begging we get through this as quickly as possible because I am on the verge of breaking.  School doesn’t care though.  They don’t care if I am fragile.  If the kids are fragile.  That’s not true. Gregory’s teacher has gone above and beyond to help.  The preschool program doesn’t care.  But why should they?  It is a privilege for Meade to be there and she is taking away from the other student’s success because she is requiring so much support.

I did get an opportunity today to connect with the lead teacher.  I tried to be as honest as possible without placing blame on anyone but myself.  That said, I can't address items to improve upon if I am not aware they are going awry.  This teacher understood my desire to have a conference with Meade in the room.  She suggested a zoom call, which I would be fine with.  We will get that set up for early next week and give Meade two more weeks to improve.  We both are committed to working hard, in tandem, to make Meade successful.  However, there has to be a date in which we need to pivot if necessary.

I have scheduled two daycare tours for Monday.  I am exhausted, emotionally.  We will make it and one day laugh about this shitty situation.  I long for that day!

supporting Meade

I didn't hear anything from the lead teacher yesterday - that's frustrating.  Again, nothing so far today.  Meade came home and said she had a good day.  I went into her backpack and found three sticky notes.  Two front and back of instances where Meade fucked up today and that this is a “typical” day.  Playing with toys during the pledge.  Arguing with peers over toys.  Interrupting during circle times 5 times, in which guidance observed.  Guidance also observed the refusal to follow center play rules.  She cried because she didn’t want to clean up.  She told a joke about a cow getting killed during literacy.  Really?  Who gives a shit!  She lost her chair for rocking it after having warnings.  She didn’t follow directions during a school drill, after four requests because she wanted to be under the teacher’s desk with everyone else but there was no room.  She says she is itchy during nap time.  Maybe it is her clothes?  Mold?  I don’t have a clue what that means.  

I sent a note to her thanking her for the concrete examples we could work on and that I had not heard from the Lead.  Oh, she got busy today and will call tomorrow.  But also, here’s a picture showing where Meade wouldn’t share dinosaurs with her friends.  There are dinosaurs all over the fucking table.  Most were in front of Meade.  Apparently she pushed the others hands away when they wanted them and she refused to share.  

What now?  I think we might want to just take her out at this point.  She is four.  I probably shouldn’t have put her in the program with the baby situation.  I had no fucking clue my brother, who lived with us, would die, leading to further issues.  I found a place for $226 a week.  I don’t even care about the money anymore.  The thought of it makes me want to puke, but who fucking cares.  

At this point, I feel that they are out to document every little thing so that when they dismiss her, it is justified.  Should we take her out before that?  I don’t know.  What do I do?  I’ve been on pins and needles all fucking day waiting for the next message to come.  

Why now? Why all of a sudden?  Monday was about her needing counseling so I bent over backwards to try and find that.  Tuesday was about her not being okay enough to fit in with the program and that I need to look elsewhere.  That escalated quickly!  She’s four fucking years old.  She is expected to be a helper and I think that she sees her peers getting more attention and that she then also seeks it, likely not in the best ways.  

I have two messages since the beginning of the year that mention Meade had bad days.  I got a note home one day that she was the queen of kindness.  I got two notes about her being weepy.  Nothing else until this past Monday.  Nothing!  Are you fucking kidding me?  And now if she doesn’t clean up her shit, she’s kicked out?  Well, that’s a great way to set up a kid up for failure by not speaking with the parents to help her work on it for weeks beforehand.  I feel like I always fight for things that I feel are right but I am always looking at it from my lens only.  I understand she is privileged to be in this program and is there to help those with disabilities.  But if we don’t know, we can’t work on it.  

I don’t want others to say oh you’re a good mom or don’t call yourself a failure but I fucking feel like one.  I feel so self absorbed that I didn’t think about the children.  I do the best I fucking can, that’s for sure.  But I can’t do anything if I am not aware.  Maybe we will learn more tomorrow.

give love

Oh man.  I am spiraling.  Nothing I do seems to be enough.  I will never stop advocating for my children.  On the other hand, I will also support teachers.  I come from a long list of teachers and I have seen the detrimental issues that arise when there is no parental, or even worse, administrative support.  I refuse to be one of those moms that acts as if their kids do no wrong.  Every day is a struggle as a parent and I can only imagine what they are going through when the teachers are with my children more waking hours than I am each day.  A reminder, I am always thankful for Mondays when the kids can go back to school.

I have really struggled with wanting to hate Meade's teacher.  That isn't fair, though.  I read something that really resonated with me.  I need to love everyone and even in the difficult times if I show grace, I am going to make more progress.  God teaches us to find different perspectives and realize that we are all human.  If we continue to work against each other, that helps no one.