a second confirmation

I am beyond thankful today!  We had our 8.5 week check and we were able to see a little wiggly fetus with a heartbeat of 169!  Of course, the baby is still growing but we saw a big head, large abdomen, and where the nubs of the legs are beginning to form.  Besides confirming that the baby continues to thrive was probably the best news I could get this whole journey - I can feel good and not worry that there is something wrong.  I can't imagine better relief at this point.

Bethany and Phillip were able to FaceTime in for the appointment and it was just awesome.  All of us were stunned that we got good news, but so happy to continue on.  Kim called me this afternoon and while I missed her call, she wished us all of the congratulations in the world and let me know that I am graduating to my OB.  There is no need for me to be monitored any longer at Shady Grove.  I will continue my meds until next Friday, the 9th, when I will be at 10 weeks.  Kim was so sweet to say that she would love to be updated as things continue to progress but she always understands if there isn't time for that.  In fact, she said that if she never hears from us again, it means that we have succeeded and she couldn't be more thrilled.

Hoping that the next weeks continue as the last couple have - I keep feeling good and we progress to the next step with a healthy little baby aboard!

is this it?

Y'all, I am feeling so great that I am terrified something is wrong.  I wrote Kim this morning just to see what she thought.  Here's what I said:

So I am super nervous this morning.  I feel GREAT!  Like, better than I have felt in weeks!  I am so worried that the embryo is no longer thriving.  Tell me that these things can come in waves and I just need to calm down and revel in the fact that I am feeling good?   

Is there anything to read into or be concerned about?  How often does it happen that one gets a HB at the 6.5 weeks and then it ceases to exist at 8.5?

Kim called me to take me off the ledge.  She said that this means absolutely nothing and that my symptoms will ebb and flow throughout and I cannot read into them.  She was sure to mention that while she didn't know the statistics, it can definitely happen that a heartbeat is detected at 6.5 weeks and then no longer after that.  I get it.  When miscarriages happen, at some point, the heartbeat is just not there.  

I have to take what Kim says to heart and just believe that everything is okay and the fact that I am feeling good is that this pregnancy is different - as it should be.  This is about a greater purpose for my life, one that is changing who I am as a person.  One that is helping me to be content with all I have and find the joy in the little things.  I feel like maybe this perspective is helping a ton, but it doesn't mean I still don't worry.  

For now, I will revel in these good days and be thankful for them!

spoiled

I am going to be so spoiled this week!  This afternoon, Bethany's parents stopped by with a pot roast in the crockpot, a spaghetti pie, some vegetable soup and coleslaw and a peanut butter pie!  I am not going to have to cook for the rest of the week!  That is huge!  A whole week!!  I am lazy in that I will cook maybe 3 times a week and we eat leftovers the other days, but not having to cook for at least four days - I am in heaven!

Not to mention that pot roast is delicious!  We had that tonight, saving the spaghetti pie for later in the week.  I shouldn't have told Jacob about the peanut butter pie - I think we will fight over it until the last bite - it is that good!  

What a relief to have people in our lives that want to go out of their way to do something kind for us.  We are not on this journey to gain anything in return (well, except personal satisfaction to have realized my purpose in life).  However, the outpouring of love, support, meals, etc. is phenomenal.  Beyond the meals, getting hugs from both Cheryl and Steve and being able to visit with them for a few minutes was so wonderful.  

How lucky we are!

band aids

I can't tell you how often we go through boxes of band aids in this house.  The smallest things MUST have a band aid on them in order for them to heal.  Just for it to fall off (because they don't stick to the bottom of your foot for very long) and need to be replaced.  They're such a hot commodity around here, I opt for the Kroger brand, which seem to be just fine for our needs.  Until they aren't.  

I started to think that I was having an allergic reaction to my injections because later in the evening, after taking the shot in the morning, my bottom would itch so bad.  I would take the band aid off and there would be a sizeable welt.  I couldn't figure out what was going on, then the welt would take the shape of the band aid - which was really odd.  The last two shots I have given myself, I have opted for no band aid - just to hold a paper towel there for a moment or so until the excess oil and blood stop flowing and then go on with my day.  Voila - no more issues.  Maybe I am allergic to latex or something all of a sudden?  That is all I can think, but I never have a problem when the ladies that get my blood wear gloves?  Who knows?  All of this to say, no more band aids on my bottom!

time for me

This weekend, I headed down to my parents with the kids.  Jacob isn't keen on going as much during the colder months, which I totally understand. The kids still enjoy it so I like to give him a break.  The problem is that it isn't always relaxing for me.  This weekend was the calm that my heart has desired for several weeks now.

The children were great and I cannot emphasize that enough.  Between feeling crummy and being tired all of the time, they tend to feed off of me and also get cranky.  Well, let me tell you - they listened, they helped, they played well with each other, they were fun to be around - it was beautiful.  They played outside together, got super dirty, we went on a little nature walk, explored some back roads, and just took it easy.  My parents also forced me to relax more.  Any time the kids needed something my mom was the first to jump up saying she would take care of it.  I started to feel bad about it, but I think it gave her purpose and she was enjoying it for the most part.

While the kids were entertained, my parents, cousin, and I did three different puzzles (750, 1000, and 2000 pieces - I had to leave Sunday before that one was finished).  There's something about being in my thoughts listening to my dad mumble and complain when he can't find the piece he is looking for - it brings so much joy to my heart.  During those times, my mom would listen to me burp and say excuse me time after time to tell me that I was actually having indigestion.  I had no idea, I just knew I was burping a lot and yeah it was uncomfortable but it was normal.  She gave me some tums and they worked almost like magic!

I did not want to come home today.  We all missed Jacob, so we did want to come back to see him, but there was such a sense of peace and easiness that I didn't want to leave.  

terrified

When anyone offers kind words of congratulations, I always preface my response by the fact that we have so long to go.  It is true.  Anything can happen at any time and we must remain cognizant of that.  When a friend asked how I really felt, I wrote:  terrified.  I am.  I am scared that it won't work.  Scared that we will get bad news.  Scared that anything will go wrong.  Unfortunately we have been on this road where everything keeps going wrong. But, then, I have to keep remembering that we are here for a reason and that will be realized even if we encounter more bumps.  

I think I caught my friend off guard when I was brutally honest.  Her response was exactly what I needed to hear:  It is okay to be terrified.  There's no right or wrong way to feel.  You're a warrior.  If this was easy, everyone would do it.

I hate to think that I need that nudge or positive reassurance from time to time, but I am human and it helps.  She is exactly right.  Now to just keep my mind, heart, and emotions in the same place!

empathy

You know what is really difficult about this journey, is the empathy I now have for others on similar paths.  I woke up this morning to a tough message from a friend letting me know that they got unfortunate news yesterday.  I am not sure exactly what that means, but I do know that I am sure they are heartbroken.  We have all been there on our rollercoaster, too.  Several times.  

My heart aches for them.  There is nothing I can do to ease their pain or tell them to keep fucking going or that it will all be okay.  I've said this many times as I grieve with those around me, but sometimes I would rather deal with the pain and let them experience the joy.  I know I can handle it and it hurts me knowing what they're experiencing and that there is nothing I can do or say to make it better.  While this image is something I created years ago, I feel it is very relevant in this situation, too.

we got the beat

We got it!  Baby, we got it!  The appointment today went great.  While we were in there with Dr. Edlestien and the ultrasound tech, Maggie (she is super sweet), I got nervous.  It seemed like she looked for two minutes before she found anything.  Finally, I asked if there was nothing there and if it typically takes this much time to find the sac/baby.  Then, there it was.  The little shadow in my uterus with what looked like two white balls - imagine a snowman without the middle part - just the head and the bottom.  Within the head, there is the barely visible flutter - the heartbeat.  Praise God.  My goodness, as I write this that is all I can think - Thank God!

I think we were all surprised to see it and we will now celebrate, knowing that anything negative could happen at any time.  

I am over the moon, but also so very tired.  What I am learning through each appointment is that the anticipation of the next appointment and results is utterly exhausting.  Even when we get the good news, it is almost difficult to celebrate and process everything because mentally I can barely function.  

Kim called and said that my fatigue is probably the most important symptom of a viable pregnancy.  That said, she said to continue my medications until April 9th (there is an end in sight!) and schedule an additional ultrasound for 8.5 weeks, two weeks from today.  For your pleasure, see this beauty!

I am so thankful for each of your constant prayers and support.  Please keep the prayers coming, we've got a long way to go!

which path

Which way will we go today?  I don't know and my simple answer is forward.  We will go forward.  Whether that means forward with this cycle with a healthy little being in my body or forward to obtain a new donor and start a new fresh cycle, we have only one way ahead - FORWARD.

I am here, at the office, awaiting the ultrasound.  I feel good and am begging God for positive results.  I know, it probably isn't right to beg, but it is the truth.  I imagine we will all get answers on what forward means the rest of today, tomorrow, and until further notice.

creating my peace

Sleep was difficult last night, even with a little melatonin.  I am just off, which is okay.  I was exhausted all of yesterday then when it came to wind down, I was wide awake.  Nerves for today I am sure.  The best part about today, regardless of the unknowns and utmost desires, is that I am at peace.  No matter what happens, we will celebrate or persevere toward future celebration.  

The rainy morning didn't allow for me to get my walk it, but it did provide some extra rest and a long bath, which I think are just as, if not more, important today.  I put a dress on and feel good about myself.  As I sit down to begin work, I ripped off yesterday's part of the desk calendar.  The words today couldn't be any better - allowing perspective to permeate every ounce of my being.

This is so true of me and I have said many many times that my mind is my own worst enemy.  Life is going according to the plan that it should and I have to trust that.  There is no emergency today - or any other day.  We must have faith that everything will work out as it should.  I will not let the results of today become an emergency or dictate an abundance of negative or positive thoughts moving forward.  If we get the blessed opportunity to see a sweet heartbeat, then we will definitely celebrate, yet do so cautiously.  This is only 6 weeks in to a long, long journey in which that heartbeat could cease to exist any longer at any point in time.  This is the struggle with pregnancy - there is no guarantee.  On the other hand, if there is no detection of life anymore, then I will know that this little one just wasn't strong enough to outlast and has become another angel for each of us.  We will move forward to get a new donor and go down the path of another fresh transfer as time allows.  Obviously not ideal, yet it will not be made into an emergency.  We will rise up and move forward.

Even having said that, so many prayers are being said - from all over - for this embryo today and everyday.  I pray we see that flutter and we continue down the path of a healthy baby/pregnancy to come!

Tired

Tired - with a capital T - that's about how my day has gone.  Yesterday was so nice and low key, it really felt like a Sunday.  The time change hasn't had provided much issue around here today, I don't think.  That said, the kids have been pretty good, Jacob basically doing everything and I have been glued to the couch.  Physically, I am exhausted.  I feel okay for the most part.  I am so tired that it is hard to keep my eyes open.  I will listen to whatever Jacob is watching on TV and then doze off for a little bit.  This morning I took my progesterone shot, which has proven to be a little more uncomfortable since there was no exercise before or after.  Finding the right position on the couch on my right side is somewhat difficult but I am so tired that I make it work.

I finally put pants on to simply sit outside for about 15 minutes and watch the kids play in the afternoon.  Other than that, I literally was a waste of life.  I let myself be okay with it, though.  I have to.  I have to rest for all of us on this journey and while it is difficult, I am so thankful for Jacob that just jumps right in and picks up the slack.  I sure hope that tomorrow isn't so bad considering it is Monday and life goes on!

light spotting

Last night I was a disaster.  I went to the restroom in the evening and when I wiped, I noticed there was a pink smear.  Not good.  Not good at all.  I wiped again and there was a little more, brighter red, this time.  Makes sense, considering the first bit was mixed with my urine.  I looked in the bowl and noticed just a couple of small droplets of blood - nothing too bad.  I started to panic and was almost in tears when I told Jacob.  I decided that if I was going to panic, I needed to wait until after the kids went to bed.  

On edge, I started going back through my notes to see about bleeding/spotting and when Kim said I needed to get others involved and when to be alarmed.  I noticed that all of those notes pointed to that this little bit of blood was likely part of implantation bleeding and there was no need to panic.  Try telling my already crazy mind that!  So, I went back to our journey in August and thought about that one time that I had bleeding that was riddled with clots and much more heavy.  Thank goodness for this blog - I went back to those posts to see where we were in the process compared to where we are now.  The good thing is that the last time, the bleeding was so much more and also several days earlier in that cycle.  

My mind started to ease a little.  I put the kids to bed and went back to the bathroom, scared to see what I would be faced with.  Luckily, there was nothing else to show!  I decided that I would just go to bed, pray a lot, and vow to take it easy for the weekend.  I could definitely stress, but what good would that do?  If there is negative impact, there's nothing I can do to fix it. I was so tired, I couldn't even think about reaching out to Bethany and let her know.

Thankfully, I slept okay.  Every time I woke up, I prayed for the embryo.  Most prayers didn't even get to the Amen as I fell back to sleep quickly.  This morning, I was ready to go and take a walk but remembered my commitment to take it easy.  Even as my friend texted to go out for a few miles, I told her I couldn't - it just wouldn't be advisable right now.  

So, I sit here updating this, continuing to pray for good news on Tuesday and a restful weekend ahead.  We are so excited to have a cousin (boy Meade) and meet his gal for the first time for lunch.  I have also texted Bethany just to keep her informed, but fear that she will get upset.  Prayers for everyone - especially this little embryo!

nervous nelly

I must say, I am quite nervous these days.  I feel like crap, my boobs hurt - they are not just tender anymore - and my mind is running a mile a minute.  Back in August, I never gave this step of waiting a second thought - I just knew we were fine, until we weren't.  Next Tuesday is a huge day.  If we can see a heartbeat with the vaginal ultrasound it will be the furthest we have gotten.  Of course, I will likely have these nervous feelings through about 30 weeks of pregnancy (when the baby can be born and survive outside of me).  

Our appointment on the 16th is at 6w4d (six weeks, four days).  In August, I believe that we were at 7w1d for the first ultrasound for heartbeat detection, which really meant it wasn't likely we would see the heartbeat at a later date.  Should we get a heartbeat, there will be an additional ultrasound at 8.5 weeks to confirm once again.  

From what Kim says, I just need to stay on the current medicine regimen, none of which is that bad.  Frankly, I would rather have the shots everyday than the vaginal suppositories - those are just gross.  I always knew about implantation bleeding or spotting initially, but Kim mentioned that as the placenta continues to grow, it is constantly implanting into new parts of my uterus, which could denote spotting/bleeding for weeks to come.  Even though it is common, I think it is normal for anyone to experience bleeding to panic.  Kim reassured me that I should reach out to her if I experience any of this, but I should not worry.  Should I have bright red bleeding for any given length of time, then I need to reach out right away.  It isn't necessarily a bad sign, but is alarming and they may want to do additional testing.  

Continued prayers for seeing a flutter of a heartbeat on the ultrasound screen next Tuesday!!!  

yucky yucky

I suppose I spoke too soon.  All day yesterday I felt like poop, along with the majority of today.  I am trying to be really cognizant of when I feel bad and what could contribute to that - food/exercise/stress/etc.  Honestly, I think that with the birthday party Saturday and eating so much followed by an early breakfast Sunday (which I normally don't do), I set myself up for feeling like this.  I was jealous of Gregory and Jacob eating granola and milk so I decided to do the same yesterday morning.  Eating cereal always gives me low blood sugar which puts me into a spiral of having to eat/drink more to get the level up and hope that it doesn't spike too high and go back low again.  I laid on the couch the rest of the morning just feeling like crap.  Eating the bad things makes me spiral and it is not good.  

As I try to recognize how I feel today, I am back on track with the right nutrition at the right time, but all I can think is that I am somewhat "hungover" from eating bad for a couple of days.  I am praying that I will feel better tomorrow and that I will get back to the crazy, great feelings that always seem to elude me during pregnancy but were very present over the last couple of weeks!

Taking it all in and trying to learn from it to make this the best pregnancy I will ever have.  And, as always, praying that this little sesame seed continues to grow, grow, grow and gain strength to show us that heartbeat next month!

lucky lucky

This is the strangest feeling in the world - I know I am expecting, but I feel great!  I can't fathom it myself.  Other than being fatigued, I feel really good most days!  I even mentioned it several times today to my family - it just doesn't make sense.  On some level it worries me but on other levels, I am simply thankful.  The purpose behind this pregnancy is so much more than ever before.  My meds are at the right levels.  I am listening to my body to eat/drink what is necessary - not what I have always wanted.

I am beyond lucky and I pray that this little one continues to grow with me!

high again

The beta results are in for today.  4569!  When Kim told us Tuesday what she wanted to see, it was an increase of 66% (the beta number should double every three days).  Here we are with another very high number to which Kim mentioned that is great!  Again, there is no reason to believe we have multiples on board, but the numbers are good ones.

The next step is to have a vaginal ultrasound on the 16th.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to go up to DC and have that appointment with Dr. Nair or just take whatever doctor I could get in Richmond and give it a go closer to home.  Dr. Nair is also monitoring in the Arlington office on the 18th, so that was another option.  I called the HDH office and was told that Dr. Edelstien is the one doing monitoring in RVA on the 16th.  Since it wasn't the specific provider that can quickly ruin a day, I decided to go for the Richmond appointment.  

As we drove down to my parents' this afternoon, I asked Gregory if he mentioned the seed in my belly at school and he was quick to say "no way, I told you I wouldn't remember."  That said, he then started talking to Meade asking if she knew that I had a seed in my belly for Aunt Bethany and Uncle Phillip.  He tried to explain it to her and at first she was very excited until she realized that it would not be her baby sister - this poor gal has been requesting a baby sister for almost a year now since a friend of hers was promoted to big sister.

Thankfully, the conversation was quickly diverted and all was well again.  Jacob and I giggled at so much of Meade and Gregory's conversation.  It was really sweet.  I am looking forward to a good weekend away to celebrate Meade's 4th birthday with family!  Another waiting game until the 16th!

let's celebrate

We have so much to be thankful for!  I had made reservations at our favorite restaurant a few weeks ago for our anniversary and it couldn't have come at a better time.  As of yesterday, Jacob and I have been married for 8 years.  As of today, we are in the right place to continue with this transfer and cycle.  As of tomorrow, our little girl turns 4.  

While it was pretty strange to be at a restaurant (indoors without a mask, sitting at a bar with plexiglass all around us), it was so very needed.  Jacob and I were able to partake in our favorite steak in Richmond and reminisce about our marriage and everything else we have shared.  It was beautiful, regardless of how tired we both were.  Since we had a sitter, we even went to walmart (puke) to grab a few things for Meade's birthday on the way home.  

What a crazy, beautiful day it has been - and I wouldn't change it for the world!

a draining (good) day

I am utterly exhausted emotionally.  Physically, I feel great, which is crazy enough in itself.  All of this to say that we finally got a call before 1pm to let us know that we are expecting!  Oh my gosh, I have been a disaster all morning not knowing.  Once she called, it was like everything came crashing down.  It was exactly what I was hoping to hear but I couldn't muster the right words to say anything that mattered or continue on with my day as I really needed to.  We are pregnant.  I really struggled with the rest of the day, trying to manage home stuff and work stuff.  It was a high and low all at the same time, while also trying to continue to guard myself, knowing that this is the first positive step to move forward, but there is no guarantee that it won't come to a halt at any given point.

The only strength I really had throughout the afternoon was to praise God.  All of the gratitude in the world goes to him right now.  I am so happy, yet so tired, it is hard to express it.  Cheryl and Steve called which was so kind and thoughtful but again, I wasn't sure what to say.  I just felt like crying.  It was awesome and difficult at the same time.  Bethany's sister was also texting.  I tried to keep everyone following us abreast of the good news but really didn't have the emotional stability to talk it out.  I even asked some to inform others so I could be "off the hook" for the day.  I think that was the right thing to do, honestly.  I just needed some time with my feelings and get my mind right for the next step and the remainder of this journey, which I pray and pray that it doesn't end until this little, healthy baby can be physically held.

In other news, I was kind of dumbfounded by the fact that our beta number was so high.  The level was 1717.  I was expecting a few hundred.  When we were successful at this point last summer, my number was 352 and I was told that it was perfect.  This time, the nurse told us not to worry that it wasn't an indication of twins but that it was a "really really great start."  We have to believe that.  I will continue on all of my medications and then go back on Thursday for more bloodwork.  At that time, the hope is that the beta level increases by about 66% (every three days the level should double).

I would be remiss not to thank all of you for the continued thoughts and prayers.  We are here and we will persevere, even if not now, in the future.  Today's positive is the first of many that we will need to see to fully realize the purpose of the entire journey.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I am so grateful for each of you!

no matter what...

...we will rise up.  Last night and this morning, I have been playing "Rise Up" by Andra Day on repeat.  I feel like it speaks to all of this.  I have to keep telling myself that today really means nothing other than providing us some direction on the next steps.  Of course, my heart is yearning for a positive test, but again, that could prove to be negative down the road and then we start all over again.  No matter what, it will be okay and will will try a thousand times again if we have to.

One thing from this morning that really resonates with me is I shared with Jacob how nervous I was.  He looked at me and said if its negative, WE will try again.  That meant so much to me.  Jacob has been a huge supporter since the beginning but oftentimes I think it is because he knows I want it so bad.  This morning he let it be known that he is right there with us and it has also become his desire (maybe just so it can be over with - but I will give him the benefit of the doubt here).  While it didn't alleviate the nerves, it definitely added so much joy and comfort to my heart to hear him say "we."

I didn't sleep well at all last night, but that's fine and frankly, with the impending bloodwork and news, I can't expect much more.  I went for my daily walk (essentially, my time with God and therapy with my walking buddy) and all has been normal, other than me being a nervous wreck.  I have no idea where the day will take us - the normal "signs" have been inconsistent at best.  Today was my third day, which means I have to take the progesterone in oil shot to the bottom.  In between taking the kids to school, Gregory came into the kitchen for something but saw what I was doing and quickly exited - he can't handle it.  Then he screamed from the other room asking for something.  I told him I was done and that he could come in the kitchen and ask.  He came in, asked for whatever he wanted and while I was getting it he plainly said "why do you have to take so many shots?"  

My go-to has always been "because the doctor says I need to," which isn't a lie, it just doesn't tell the whole story.  Well, this morning, I got a wild hair and said "do you want to know the truth?"  He looked at me and his face was crunched up as if he was thinking "why would you lie?"  So, I went on to tell him that I am trying to carry a baby for Aunt Bethany and Uncle Phillip.  He didn't get it (as he shouldn't) so I said that I am hoping to have a baby in my belly that would not be his brother or sister and it would be Aunt Bethany and Uncle Phillip's.  His brain was churning and he asked if the doctor put a baby in my belly and I said, no, but the doctor put a seed in my belly and now we are seeing if it is growing.  If it continues to grow for several months, we will be able to give B/P the baby they deserve and if it doesn't keep growing, we will try again soon.  This kid's mind was blown.  He asked a couple more questions, like what if it is two babies.  I told him it was only one seed (but we never know).  He wanted to know if it was a boy or girl and wanted to see the "xray."  I told him all of that is too early, but if it keeps growing, we can get him those answers.  

Honestly, it has never been my intention to tell the kids until we were further along, but for some reason this morning, it felt right.  The children aren't dumb and while they will never know the extent of everything, I am sure they have been able to sense the differences on this rollercoaster inadvertently.

The best part of this is that I came out of that conversation happy that I had had it.  I did ask him not to tell his friends or anyone yet and he looked at me and said he forgets all that stuff so he wouldn't even remember to tell anyone.  We shall see.  What a beautiful interaction to a crazy and stressful morning!  Here goes nothing - off to get my bloodwork!

so very impatient

One more day, one more day.  This is what I have been saying to myself all.day.long.  I suppose there is nothing that could have been done two weeks ago or today as I prepare, hoping for a BFP (with quick googling, I realized this stands for Big Fat Positive - the things I must learn to understand anything on the FB groups I am a part of).  I even had a lady somewhat arguing with me yesterday because I am not accepting payment for this.  My goodness, I will do whatever the hell I want, crazy lady!  I commend anyone being a surrogate, but don't tell me what I need to do!  

Well, bloodwork tomorrow is at 8am.  I suspect we will get an early call if we have a positive and a later call for a negative (at least that is the way the last two transfers have gone). 

Send up all the prayers you've got!