THE CALL

Today has been a crazy day!  Beyond my crazy morning, I scheduled an eye appointment because I had a stupid mishap yesterday and my PCP said I needed to see an eye doctor.  While trying to figure a time to call the MD, work, and everything else, Shady Grove called!  It was only 1045am.  They usually don't call until after 2pm, typically 3-4.  Oh gosh!  As I was on a call for work, I told the person I was meeting with that I had an important call that I had to take but I would be back in two minutes.

Doris was on the other line.  She was filling in as Kim had the day off.  When I answered (as I always do), I said "Good Morning, this is Julia Meade."  Insert the confusion that ALWAYS happens - she was trying to reach a Julia Tulli.  Yes, my name is Julia Meade Tulli, it is a southern thing but I have a double first name.  If SGF would have established my chart as it was on the paperwork I filled out, I would not have to have this conversation over and over.  Okay, rant done.  When Doris realized it was me, I had to stop her in her tracks as she was calling to tell me some news.  I told her that Bethany and I wanted to hear everything together and that I was on a work call, asking if I could call her back with Bethany in 10 minutes.  She said that was fine.

I got off of my work call and tried to call Bethany immediately.  SHe wasn't able to answer but texted to say she was in her own therapy appointment.  I thought we may be able to get back in touch with Doris by 1050 or 1055 because most therapy sessions only last 50 minutes.  I texted Bethany back and let her know that we needed to call back together.  Within no time, she had called, with her therapist on speaker.  I called Doris back and merged the two.  It was then that Doris said "I have positive news - you are pregnant."  I think we all were dumbfounded and so happy and excited we didn't know what to do or say.  Bethany and I were definitely crying.  Finally Doris jumped in to tell us what the next steps were.  I needed to schedule more bloodwork for Monday morning and continue the medicine regimen I am currently on.  She also mentioned that my beta level came back at 352 - apparently anything over 25 is pregnant, but anything over 100 is ideal?

Bethany and I kept talking and crying, with her therapist on the line to take it all in and the two of us were introduced.  A couple of minutes later, poor Doris asked if we had any further questions (we forgot she was even on the line).  I don't know if I have more questions or not -give me a little bit of time to digest things and I bet I will have a million more questions.  But, for the time being, we were on a high that we didn't know which end was up.  Doris left the conversation and Bethany told me she was going to leave her therapy and call me back via FaceTime to tell Phillip.  

Immediately, the three of us were seeing each other.  I tried to hold it together until Bethany told Phillip.  Cue many more tears and smiles.  This happened two more times with both Phillip's and Bethany's parents on separate FaceTime calls.  We tried to so hard to FaceTime Christen but she was having issues with her phone.  Needless to say I was late for my next call at 11am.  I dropped that call when Christen was able to connect and while we still weren't able to do FaceTime, together we all cried as the good news was shared.  

I ended up sending a long text about my grandfather and his admission to the hospital and where to go from here with details to my family in a group text.  Then, as nonchalant as I could be, I simply said "in other news...I am pregnant."  That was easier than doing anything else to be honest!  Too much going on while still trying to work, get in touch with the eye doctor, and just have a moment to take it all in!

The receptionist at the eye doctor told me there were no appointments available but she would call me if something came up.  Immediately after she took my insurance information an appointment just so happened to become available at 130pm at the Hanover office.  Shew!  This means our drive down to my parents would be delayed, but better to get that taken care of sooner rather than later.  Through it all, I still had no idea what was going on, how to react, and how to get more work done, but I tried.  

I showed up at my appointment, book in hand, having no idea how long it would take.  Little did I know that they would dilate my eyes.  I immediately had a huge headache and felt like I was going to get ill.  I went to the restroom twice but never got sick as I waited to be called back again to see the MD.  There was no reading.  There was no sharing news via my phone or reading texts coming in because I couldn't see anything.  Having a mask on my face was making it considerably worse as my face was sweating.  I guess I should be thankful that I have never had my eyes dilated before, but man, that was the pits!

Finally, after the doctor explained the huge scratch in my eye and the need for antibiotic ointment for the next week, I was good to go.  I don't know if I was nauseous from the eye crap, the baby stuff, or what, but I felt like hell.  Jacob and I got on the road to go down to my parents, at least to pick up the kids.  We decided to stay the night.  I called a few people that have been supporting me since day one and let them in on the positive news.  We are finally at my parents and I am completely exhausted and out of sorts.  The kids are in bed and I am hoping to go very soon, too.  

It has been an amazing whirlwind today.  And, while everything is positive, it is important to keep in mind that this pregnancy is still VERY early and nothing is guaranteed.  However, the first hurdle we have conquered!

PUPO

Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.  Today’s goal is to prove that we ARE!

I’ve never been so excited to get my bloodwork taken!  I was exhausted last night and after calling my parents when I felt so crummy Wednesday, I asked them if they would take the kids back to their house after coming to Mechanicsville for an appointment and staying for supper.  At first they said it wasn’t a good idea because they had hair appointments today.  However, I think they could tell I wasn’t feeling well and knew how helpful it would be.  All of that to say that I went on my 5 mile walk this morning and took a long, hot bath to prepare myself mentally for what is to come.  

I would be remiss if I didn’t feel some pretty strong nerves this morning as I departed for my walk.  My first two miles is always on my own before I meet my dear friend to finish the last three with her.  While walking alone, nerves were getting the best of me, but like I always do during that me-time, I put it in God’s hands.  He confirmed that if I wasn’t feeling nervous, something would be wrong with me.  The walk and nice bath were just what I needed, until shit hit the fan.

My grandfather wasn’t feeling well last night and after my brother told him that I said he needed to call 911, Art still refused to go to the ER.  Well, this morning he was much worse.  I called him and told him I was calling 911 and that he MUST go to the hospital.  On my way to my appointment I was trying to get all of that straight, asking that he be brought to Memorial Regional vs. Williamsburg, what a freaking debacle!  Then, as I tried to grab my diet coke on the way, the jerk that I often don’t see was behind the counter, as he has been all week, and was beyond rude (he is always rude, but today I wasn’t in the mood).  Before throwing my cup in the trash, I said very loudly “you don’t have to always be such a dick.”  Well, that will require an apology next time I see him.  However, I will ask that he work on his customer service skills directly after I apologize.  I can’t be the only one he treats like shit.

All of this is to say that I was at my appointment at 745 on the dot.  This drives me nuts – I am ALWAYS early!  Going through the motions was easy, now it is just a waiting game (as if it hasn’t already been for the last year almost)!

nauseated

I have no idea if this has anything to do with pregnancy, but I have felt like hell all afternoon/evening.  I had to get a diet sprite and then chew gum to try and heed off the feeling of getting sick.  I never did get sick but just felt like poop for hours!  Frankly, this is how I felt the majority of the pregnancies with both Gregory and Meade.  So, while it is frustrating, I will take it as a good sign.  I can’t rule out the fact that the meds could be catching up with me, too.

The worst of it all was that Meade just wanted to lay on me.  Just having her touch me made me feel even more yucky.  I felt awful for feeling that way and when I told Meade I didn’t feel good or when she tried to climb on me and my tummy and boobs hurt, she didn’t understand.  How could she?  Cue feelings of being an awful mom.  Well, this too shall pass and I hope it doesn’t continue tomorrow!

crazies

I have joined another Facebook group, specifically for surrogates that had an embryo transfer in July.  It seemed like a really good community to get involved in, but I am quickly re-thinking that decision.  Actually, I shouldn’t be so rude, but man some of these women are a little overboard!  As most of you know, Bethany asked me not to take any at home pregnancy tests.  Boy am I glad about that!  I am seeing ladies post pictures of tests several times a day, many that mark each days 5dpt, 8dpt, etc.  

On top of all the tests, in my mind, I do NOT see a line to indicate any positive result, but everyone else does.  Those are called “squinters,” apparently.  Then, tests in the next few days apparently darken so it is evident.  All I can think is about the added stress and anxiety these ladies must feel over the daily (sometimes twice a day) testing.  It sure does keep me grounded to just continue to hope and pray and let God have everything while I am just the vehicle to get there!

I actually asked the group if anyone else was not testing.  Three other people said no.  Y’all, there are 133 members in this group.  While I am sure not everyone saw my post or chose to respond, but that is such a minute percentage!  One lady offered that before she had gotten a positive test that she then miscarried due to a chemical pregnancy.  She decided she didn’t want to go through that false home again.  Makes total sense to me!  

It is interesting, too, how many people have no idea what is in their contract.  So many of them ask questions that Bethany/Phillip and I had clearly talked about through counseling and/or agreement drafting.  Things like bed rest after the transfer, or sex with your husband before/after.  It was very clear in our contract this information and I have no doubt.  It really sounds to me like these ladies placed so much faith in their agency and basically signed the bottom line.  I guess it was more about the money to them.  There’s no telling, but being in this group makes me really thankful for the uniqueness of our journey and how connected we all are!

notification changes

plans to notify

Bethany and I had a great conversation last night discussing potential plans to get together once we find out if my bloodwork shows negative or positive results.  While everything is fluid, we would like to get together if at all possible.  We had talked about having a get together with our families Friday night to share the news – good or bad.  Bethany has re-thought things and think it will be important, regardless of the news, for her and Phillip to have some time alone Friday to soak everything in as a couple.  I totally understand and so respect that.  

Thus, she has asked if they can come down to Richmond Saturday morning to hang out with us in the morning and potentially do lunch with the families to share the news.  Works for me – I can’t imagine we can hold any excitement (if results are positive) for that long, but if that’s what they want, let’s try!  

The whole chat was nice.  I get horrible reception at my parents’ house, so I had walked down to the docks and just spent time reflecting on everything with them will looking at the serenity of the water.  Everything was so peaceful.  We both shared how we had really positive outlooks and will find contentment if the results are not as planned and will move forward accordingly to try again.

I cannot wait to squeeze them this weekend – over happy tears, I hope!

little to tell

In the IVF world, I am 3 DPT (days post transfer).  I am learning a lot of new lingo these days.  I basically feel the same.  I still am not sleeping well at night, but that has been par for the course over the last week or so.  As of this morning, I resumed my normal 5 mile walk in the morning.  Monday, I didn't walk - we were on the road, of course.  Tuesday and yesterday it was important for me to abide by the "light activity" as suggested by the SGF team.  Instead of the normal, I went on a slow, two mile walk.  It was something!  It was so nice to get back out there and return to my morning routine.  Bethany was worried that I do it so quickly, but when I let her know I already confirmed with our nurse and that they ask for light activity for 2-3 days.  Technically, going for the walk was about 2 days and 20 hours.  Bethany then was fine with it!

As far as other changes, there is only one to report.  And, if you don't like TMI, stop reading.  My nipples seem to be much firmer than normal and extremely tender.  I remember that from previous pregnancies, but never so quickly - I probably just didn't notice because it wasn't on the radar.  Good sign, however.  Of course, it could be the multitude of different hormones I continue to take, but I am not sure.  I will take it as a good sign!

There were a couple of other early indicators for me during the last two pregnancies.  First, I had tender lumps in both of my arm pits.  I learned much later that those were my milk ducts developing.  Who knew?  Not me!  Also, I have not yet developed a diversion to grilled/baked chicken.  I eat so much chicken but can only stomach fried chicken (real healthy, huh?) while pregnant.  I have only eaten chicken once since transfer, but no issues!  Maybe this will happen in a few weeks!

All is well here and I continue to cross my fingers, toes, and pray hard!  

transfer video

For those of you interested in watching, this is the clip of the ultrasound when the embryo was transferred through the catheter (white line) into my uterine cavity.  From what I have been told, when you see a ripple at the end of the line (on the left side), that is when the embryo came through the catheter and went into the uterus.  Here's to hoping for attachment and a sweet little one next spring!

transfer complete

And just like that, it is done and all seems like some out-of-this-world transaction.  The transfer is complete and it is hurry up and wait until I have bloodwork on the 31st to see if the embryo implanted and if we have a viable pregnancy.  Even though I had had the mock transfer before, I always thought there would be more to it.  A little "wham bam thank ya ma'am" and out the door I went.  I am going to do my best to detail the day for you as it was quite special and I think Bethany, Phillip, my Mom and I will treasure it forever, regardless of the outcome.

It was Mom's and my goal to leave the house by 445am.  Since we were up and ready with nothing to do but stare at one another, we left around 420.  When we checked the map yesterday, it suggested the travel time would be between two hours and fifteen minutes to two hours and thirty minutes.  As we got in the car (and after grabbing a diet coke at WaWa), the navigation said arrival time was 611am.  Well, early we would be and that was okay, too.  It was nice to be able to take our time, stop to pee, and just not be in a rush.

The ride up was great.  Traffic was easy and even though heavy at times, it was steady.  Mom and I talked about everything under the sun.  I enjoyed my time in the car with her and without kids screaming in the background!  We stopped to pee and just dilly dally since there was extra time in the agenda.  I was actually told that I needed to stop by 6am to go to the potty and then proceed to drink 16 ounces of water, in which I was not allowed to relieve myself of before the procedure.  I think that we got to Shady Grove up in Rockville around 630.  Soon after Bethany and Phillip texted with their ETA of 655am.  Mom and I shot the shit in the car until about 650 and then decided to go sit on the benches in front of the building until B/P got there.  It was reassuring for mom, too, because we noticed that the building was open and had chairs and benches in the lobby.  Even though she couldn't wait in the SGF waiting room, there was the option of sitting in the air conditioning downstairs, which helped ease her mind.

I had seen Bethany and Phillip's car go straight through the intersection (I thought), instead of turning into the street where we were.  I told Mom I knew it was them, that the must've noticed a Starbucks up ahead.  As Mom and I waited on the bench, we read aloud more text messages from people being sure to give their support, love, thoughts, and prayers this morning.  It was really heartwarming.  Finally, I got a text that Bethany needed a pit stop.  Maybe they just needed a moment alone before they get here - which we TOTALLY understand!  

A few minutes later Bethany and Phillip pull in.  It was surreal.  It is hard to believe that we are finally here, together, approaching embryo transfer in just less than an hour.  After big hugs, Bethany said she had to go to the car to get a couple of things for me.  As I balked, she flat out said that I need to be a better receiver - touche, very true.  She came back with a puzzle and a gift bag.  Puzzles are my favorite and keep my mind occupied!  This one has different foods on it, in which my eyes go to the donuts, cake, ice cream, etc.  Bethany was quick to point out the kale (really?)!  In the bag, I was gifted a pair of lucky transfer socks and the sweetest saying on a coffee mug - "I make families.  What's your super power?"  If that doesn't bring it all together, not much will.  I was humbled and so thankful for the gifts they showered me with and was antsy to get inside.  Maybe if I get up there early they will take me early?

        

I gave everyone hugs and kisses and made my way up the elevator to the fourth floor.  The lady at the desk got my name.  With a huge smiles she said oh, it is transfer day! and told me to take the elevator one more floor up to the 5th floor.  Oh, that was exciting!  Special treatment maybe?  I rode the elevator up with a lady that was visibly several weeks pregnant but not too far along.  She asked if today was my transfer and I said yes, but my intended parents were downstairs.  She told me to relax it was easy and that she has done IVF several times.  When I assumed she understood the IP thing, I asked if she was a surrogate and she looked at me like I was crazy and said no, she has babies for her own family.  Oh, I am sorry, I thought she was connecting over the intended parents and IVF - guess not.  No worries, she was super nice, regardless.  At the fifth floor reception desk, I was told to have a seat until my name was called.  

It was beautiful in there.  People around me were being called.  Everything was quiet, everyone seemed timid but pretty content.  Inside, my anxiety was revving up - slowly, but consistently.  I started to pray.  That is the only thing getting me through right now.  I talked to Katie a little bit and then turned my conversation back to God.  I continued to beg him for the strength, courage, and stamina for all of us to get through whatever lies ahead - the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, etc.  As clear as day, God whispered to me (like he had time after time) "I've got this."  I thanked him and then he proceeded to to say "I wouldn't have told you to make this offer if I wasn't going to be here every step of the way taking care of any and all worries."  Then and there I was dumbfounded.  He is right.  This was His plan, I am just a means to the end.  Immediately, my anxiety was releasing and my fears stepped aside.  In the last couple of days and frankly throughout this journey I have been praying a ton, but it never occurred to me that He wouldn't have guided me into this to be set up for devastation and heartache.  Now, He said it himself.  The words are still tearing me up as I write this several hours later.

Throughout my thoughts and prayers, I was texting Bethany just to let her know I still hadn't been taken back.  Of course, the moment I stepped up to grab some water - anything to divert my attention - my name was called.  Everyone else I had seen was going into a door to the left.  I was called from a door on the right.  I entered that area, was told to take my shoes off, put on the booties they provide and then pull out my picture ID.  I did as I was told and asked the lady if I could wear the special socks for the procedure, too.  At first she told me under the booties only, but then she said, "what the heck, it doesn't matter - do what is most comfortable for you!"  I had to laugh.  It was only 8am and the poor lady seemed like she was ready for the day to be over.  This lady then walked me to the room.  Someone in the hall said good morning through their face mask and I did the same.

When we got into the room and I was told to get undressed from the waist down and sit on the table, something clicked.  Was that Dr. Nair in the hallway, I asked?  Yes, it was!  Is she doing our transfer?  Yes, she is!  Again, my whole being just relaxed and smiled.  How freaking lucky are we?!?  I texted Bethany a picture of my feet with the socks in showing I was in the room.  I no time Dr. Nair came in.  The first thing she said to me was that she couldn't believe how my weight kept coming off and that I looked great.  That made me feel so damned good.  Then, she said I could facetime Bethany which I did immediately.  It was so wonderful for us all to be together virtually even though we couldn't be together physically.  Below are a couple of the screenshots Bethany took while I was in the transfer room.

        

One thing I really aprpecaite about this whole process is how Bethany and Phillip included my mom in everything.  When Dr. Nair wanted to say hi, they ran over to her bench so my mom could say hi back.  First, Dr. Nair went over the embryo situation.  I have to admit I did not understand it all, some were not mature and they would test in a couple of days, some were not viable, some were looking great, but not a blastocyst yet, and there was this one - this one perfect blastocyst of an embryo, which would be transferred today!  They showed a picture of that up on the screen, it was pretty cool to see, but I wish I would've taken a picture of it.   

I was literally in the room for probably only 10 minutes.  The speculum was inserted, which was literally the only thing I felt during the entire procedure.  I watched the ultrasound as Dr. Nair inserted the catheter and she showed the white line on the ultrasound.  Instead of having the FT camera on me, I had it on Dr. Nair or the screen, whichever seemed more important at the time.  They called for the embryologist.  She came in and asked my name and who I was carrying for.  She returned two minutes later with the said "perfect" embryo.  Again, she asked names and then provided the embryo in some thing (I have no idea to be honest) that inserted it into the catheter.  From there, in a matter of about 20 seconds, you can see the catheter line light up bright again and a wave go through the near uterus, which we were told was the embryo transfer.  The embryologist left and Dr. Nair said she had to take a look at the "thing" to make sure that the embryo is not in there.  Apparently sometimes they push it but it does not release out of the "thing" so they have to do it again.  This doesn't' hurt anything, they just want to make sure that the goods are where they are supposed to be.

All is done!  We were told that I had to get dressed, sign a form and then go.  As I waited for the form, the first nurse knocked and said I needed to leave.  I told her about the form and she said you are the GC, you don't sign anything.  Oh, apparently the IP protocol is different and someone must've just forgotten that it is not my responsibility to sign an additional form.  That was it.  I exited, quickly found the restroom, and went downstairs to my fan club (not really, but we all couldn't wait to see each other).

Everyone was all smiles.  There was not much to discuss since they had been a part of the entire experience.  We decided we would head off to breakfast and celebrate.  Here is the "after" picture of Bethany and me.

Breakfast was amazing.  Frankly, it was super expensive for my blood, but I enjoyed every bite of it.  We all just had a relaxing time as if nothing had happened thirty minutes ago and we were all set for the future to be perfect.  So strange how everything was working out.  On the way there, my mom told me how blown away she was by the transfer.  She said she could clearly see the moment of transfer and that she is so intrigued, moreso than ever before.  I loved hearing that.  While my parents are my biggest supporters, they also are concerned for my health and well being.  I get it.  I think that being a part of today really helped solidify my mom's part in all of this and I know she will walk right beside us each step of the way, too.

My mom and I made it home with great timing on the return, too.  We were back by 11:40 and albeit tired, everything is perfectly falling into place!

this is it

I can't sleep - duh!  This is it!  I can't help but sing this stupid country song, although these lyrics do make sense for today:

This is it, this is now, this is what I've been talking about

Looking out, can't you see forever?

Take my hand, just take it in

This is a moment we won't forget

On top of the world, here, together

Mom and I are scheduled to get out of here by 445.  Knowing us, both up well before our alarms, we will likely leave early.  It can't hurt to get a head start! 

Getting to sleep was pretty difficult last night.  I think we were all reeling a little bit for what is to come today.  Mom slept with me and Jacob with Meade so that we wouldn't bother them getting ready.  Constant vibrating from my phone didn't help me get to sleep, but it did help to ease my mind.  Friends and family aware of what today is have reached out to offer their thoughts and prayers.  It has been so nice to have such amazing people surrounding all of us at this time!

Thankfully, I am feeling pretty peaceful.  While there is a little anxiety underneath it all, it isn't bad and something that I think is absolutely normal.  Soon enough, we will depart this home, in search of new beginings and to create a beautiful family.  I have put everything I have into this for the last 10 months, four weeks, or 333 days.  I want nothing more than to see Bethany a mama and Phillip a daddy in ten more months.  ALL of us, together, are going to make it happen.  Today, this is it.  This is where the next part of the journey begins, leading to the sweet cherub these parents so deserve.

a tough day

Like most days, I am not sleeping well.  If I am lucky, I will fall back to sleep in the middle of the night when I get up, but it's hard when I have an alarm set for 4am regardless.  Today, Daddy, Kristi, and I were going to go fishing early so that Mom, Kristi, and I could head back around lunchtime.  I woke up a mess.  I didn't want my mom to feel obligated to go tomorrow if she wasn't comfortable.  I did want her to come with me, but I wanted to make sure she wasn't going to be miserable.  

Before we left the house, I made out a note for mom to leave on the counter trying to explain that I would be absolutely fine if she chose not to go.  It wouldn't hurt my feelings and I would be fine, I promised her.  Out in the boat, I was an anxious mess.  I had no idea what was going on, but I couldn't focus.  I didn't want to fish, but I didn't want to ride, I didn't want to do anything but come home.  If you know me in the least, this is SO not me.  On one ride from a fishing spot to another, I put my chair out in the sun, laid back with my feet propped up, closed my eyes, and talked to God. I know we talked for at least 20 minutes.  It was the only thing that was soothing me.

It is funny that the anxiety had absolutely nothing to do with the procedure but everything to do with what's next.  How will it be.  All of the "what ifs."  Those damned "what ifs" again - they keep me in a spot that really paralyzes me.  I have got to stop thinking that way.  One of the main ones was that even though I have had no issues carrying two, healthy pregnancies, what if my body tries to reject the different DNA?  I prayed and prayed and it was affirmed that God would be by my side every step of the way.

As the boat stopped to fish at the next place in the bay, I opened my eyes.  Kristi was quick to say "you're stressed."  Me, not me?  How do you know?, I asked.  You're quiet, she said, too quiet.  Well, there you have it folks, while I tried to keep it all in and hide my insecurities and crazy thoughts, they weren't unnoticed.  My anxiety was pretty bad and actually getting worse as the moments went on.  At the current fishing spot, after doing much of nothing, I asked Daddy if we could head in and just finish fishing the busted peelers out at number 8 and then go in.  We really needed to head home in an hour in a half anyway.  

As we departed to head back into Ingram Bay, my anxiety was through the roof.  I asked both Kristi and Daddy if they would be disappointed if we just went back without fishing anymore.  Both of them had no issue whatsoever.  I asked Dad to slow down so I could dump the potty and clean that out before Kristi and I cleaned the deck on the remainder of the ride in. Anything to keep me busy was helping to keep the anxiety at bay.  

Before we got in the car to drive back, I wanted to shower, figuring that at least if I was clean I may feel better.  As I gave my Dad a hug and a kiss, I asked him to pray for all of us.  I was so sick of hearing good luck, but I don't think that people really know what to say and frankly, I don't know what they should say either.  Asking him to pray had me choked up.  As we walked outside, I gave Mom a hug and kiss and lost it.  Even though I would be seeing her later, my anxiety was through the roof and I just needed a moment to cry.  Thankfully, they let me.  I asked them to continue to pray and I got my shit together and got in the car.  The ride home was quiet and peaceful.  Kristi is such a wonderful friend.  She talks when you want to talk but lets you have time to yourself if needed.  

Tonight I am tired, but good.  Anxiety is here, but it is not overwhelming.  I am hoping for a good night's sleep and ready to get this party started!  

an early monday

As I heard from the nurse this afternoon, they were able to honor my request to have an appointment as early as possible!  8 am transfer it is!  I have to be there at 730 with a full bladder.  Knowing this, Mom and I will probably leave around 4 or so just to give us enough time to factor in the unknowns.  Let's get real, we aren't going to get much sleep the night before anyway!

Although I had told my mom that she couldn't go into the appointment with me, she thought that meant that she couldn't go in the room during the procedure, not that she couldn't be in the waiting room at all.  Knowing that, mom get really frustrated.  I think she had done so well with COVID crap and this was just the straw that broke the camels back.  I tried to reiterate over and over that I could go on my own that I would be fine, but no, she was determined to go, even if she had to sit in a hot car for 1.5 hours.  In her defense, people get arrested for having animals in the hot car, why should she have to be stuck in one - good point.  We will see what happens over night and maybe she will decide she can just stay at home, which won't hurt my feelings at all.

In other news, my friend, Kristi, and I came down to my parents house for the night sans kids!  Woohoo!  I needed this.  We fished all day and it was pure bliss, whether we were catching or not!  I am so thankful for Jacob for being okay to letting me have a night away.  Not only is he okay with it, but he has gone out of his way to do things with the kids, which is huge.

Lastly, my progesterone shot was easy peasy this evening!  Here's a little video if you're interested!

surprise call

This afternoon was difficult.  All of a sudden, a wave of exhaustion hit me.  Exhaustion that I haven't experienced in quite some time.  I could barely stay awake at my desk and when I was on calls, I couldn't concentrate and couldn't bring myself to process questions and formulate appropriate responses.  It was quite concerning.  I immediately emailed our nurse to ask if the new vaginal suppository could be throwing me for a loop, or maybe in addition to the progesterone shots yesterday?  Kim was quick to say that it is likely my body's response to the myriad of hormones that I am on and it is in fact quite normal to feel this way.  Shew.  I just wanted to make sure I wasn't nuts!

Then, I got a call from a Northern Virginia number that I didn't know.  Normally, I do not answer calls that I am unaware of the caller, but something told me to go ahead and answer.  It was Dr. Nair!  She was just calling to check in and make sure there were no last minute questions.  I told her about the exhaustion and too she mentioned it is probably just a mixture of all of the hormones and anxiety of the process.  She said unfortunately there is no other way to change medications.  I can totally appreciate that and was not suggesting that we change or discontinue anything - I just needed reassurance that I was not going crazy.

Dr. Nair said we were all on track for the transfer on the 18th.  That stopped me in my tracks.  I said, wait, it is supposed to be the 20th, right?  She looked back at the chart and said she had it wrong that it was Monday.  Oh my goodness, I was about to spiral - glad we got that cleared up quickly.  Apparently, right now they have what looks to be five viable embryos!  Of course, they will continue to be monitored and only tested again the day of transfer.  

It was so wonderful to hear from Dr. Nair.  When I first met her over the phone last September, I really, really liked her.  I liked her realism but also how much she wanted this for Bethany and Phillip.  The main thing on her mind, though, was my weight.  I think that was the same position we were all in.  When we got the opportunity to meet Dr. Nair in person last December, I again fell in love with her.  There was something about her attitude, hope, faith, and medical expertise that put me at ease.  She was blown away by my determination to lose weight and before the four of us left her office, she looked at me and said "I have no doubt you will make this happen and I look forward to being there for you throughout the process."

Due to the distance and the fact that my monitoring is in Richmond, I have not had the opportunity to see her again.  Nor have I spoken to her.  Because she went out of her way to call and check in (when she really didn't have to) put me at ease and gave me a great sense of gratitude for the physician that will be helping to make all of this a huge success.

Lastly, she told me that Bethany/Phillip and I can FaceTime during the transfer.  This is something that we were previously told we couldn't do.  Dr. Nair did mention that it is really a call that the doctor doing the transfer makes, but because of COVID and other constraints there is really no reason why we couldn't.  In addition, I can take a brief video of the actual transfer on the screen and send it to them to have.  I think that will be pretty special since they will be unable to be in the room with me.  The icing on the cake is that Dr. Nair said that she is scheduled to be in Rockville on Monday and she said she will do anything in her power to be the doctor to do the transfer.  While she couldn't assure me she would be able to because scheduling is crazy due to all of the external factors right now, she said she will give it her best shot.  Even if she can't do the transfer, she will make it a priority to stop in and check in.  That, to me, is huge.  I would give anything to have her there performing the transfer, but even if I just get to see her, I will find that amazing!  

Y'all, this is all coming together perfectly.  The gratitude I have for everyone on this journey with us is exploding in my heart.  We will get a healthy baby, even if it takes a few tries, which is okay, too.  Remember, no expectations - just colossal and limitless faith.  Thank you all for reading and keeping us in your hearts and prayers - I feel it!

morning surprise

I woke up this morning, saw my text from Bethany and Phillip and my day was made!  Look at this sweet picture:  

I have to tell you about the side effects from my shot last night.  Within 15 minutes of administering my own progesterone, my entire right leg started to feel this ache.  I couldn't figure out what it was and just leave it up to I did something wrong.  I went to bed pretty quickly and woke up in the middle of the night with it throbbing, in addition to a knot that hurt like hell at the injection site.  To ward off the discomfort, I grabbed some motrin and went back to sleep.  I felt pretty good when my alarm went off at 3:50, so I will mark this in the books as successful!

Still, I wonder what the difference was.  I had absolutely no pain or issue with Julie's shot.  Maybe I hit a nerve somewhere?  Maybe the fact that Julie administered after I had just walked five miles, my muscles were ready for the shot?  Maybe I didn't go in straight?  There's really no telling!  However, I am happy to know that I can do it on my own as well as live with any ramifications that come from it.  Woohoo!

piece of cake

Tonight, we had the pleasure of having Nana over for supper (and she brought everything - so amazing and delicious!).  When all was done, I asked if she minded if I took my shot in the kitchen. She didn't mind at all, which was nice! I asked Jacob to video my attempt at administering my own progesterone shot, to which he thought was ridiculous (just do it, damnit!).

I think I did pretty good!  I sent the video to Bethany and Phillip and they were so thankful and of course supportive.  The actual shot did not hurt at all, however, after a few minutes, there was a dull ache all the way down my leg.  

SEVEN

I heard from Bethany a little bit ago after the donor's successful surgery to retrieve the eggs.  Bethany and Phillip are the recipients of SEVEN (7!) mature eggs!  This is exciting!  Although it was possible to get more or less, I think this is a great number - although, we only need one, right?  However, if they may want 6 more kids down the road, they won't have to wait on a donor again! ;)

This means that today these seven eggs will be inseminated with Phillip's sperm.  Bethany should be getting calls over the next couple of days to be informed of the embryos' viability.  Ideally, all seven will turn into viable embryos, however that might be pushing it (okay, 5 kids is fine)!

I am looking forward to hearing the status and praying they at least get 3/4 viable embryos.  If the first transfer doesn't work, we will have to use a frozen one and previous experience with thawing didn't bode so well for them.

There you have it, my friends, we are right on track!

big needle

I had my first progesterone shot a few minutes ago.  It wasn't near as bad as I was expecting!  I am so thankful to have such a wonderful friend and doctor that was able to administer it for me for the first time.  While she's a podiatrist, she definitely knew what she was doing!  The big bonus was that she let me stop by at 6 am as her house was getting ready for school (our kids go to daycare together) and before she had to nurse the baby.  So far, I have had absolutely no repercussions from the shot, either - WIN WIN!

On my way, I got a sweet text from Bethany.  Poor thing had set her alarm to wake up just to let me know she was with me in spirit.  It doesn't get much better than that!  

I am going to give it a go tonight to do the shot on my own.  I think I'll do just fine!

updated summary

Here is the information received late yesterday from our nurse regarding next steps.  Much of this I have already captured - but the really exciting part is that we should know if the transfer worked July 31st when I have to schedule bloodwork!

7/13 donor trigger and no more lupron for Julia Meade, continue estrace at your current dosing

7/14 post trigger labs  (I will update you both)

7/15 Julia Meade will start her progesterone and late in the day Bethany/Phillip will get an oocyte count

7/16 Fertilization update for how many eggs became embryos

7/18 Contact to you both with the 7/20 scheduling information

7/20 Day 5 blastoyst transfer

7/22 cryopreservation report for any additional embryos that were able to be frozen

7/31 HCG pregnancy test

bonding forever

I got this image from Bethany yesterday.  It touched my heart.  However, the bond goes both ways.  Together, we have created an irreplaceable, special relationship that I will always, always hold dear.  No matter the roller coaster we will continue to be on and how hard and trying it gets, I will always cherish our determination and our friendship.  Together, we will give them the family they beyond deserve and I am going to love their family like no other until the day I die.

To me, this journey is so much larger than the baby that will come from it.  It is one that has gotten me to the healthiest point in my life.  It has exponentially strengthened my relationship with God and provided me with hope and faith that I have never experienced.  

I am so thankful for everything we are doing together with Bethany and Phillip and know in my heart that it will only get more and more beautiful as time marches on!

right on schedule

Heard from Kim this afternoon!  The donor was triggered today, my bloodwork looks great, and my lining is exactly where it needs to be!  The train has arrived at the station and we are packing up, ready to go!

Kim and I had a long conversation about everything, mostly next steps and what to expect.  Here is a little of what I learned:

My new medication schedule:

• stop the lupron injections now
• continue the estrace, 3 times a day orally and twice a day vaginally
• a progesterone shot Wednesday morning between 6 and 9
• another progesterone shot Wednesday evening (a time of my choice)
• begin vaginal suppositories Thursday
• continue one progesterone shot every third evening

Bethany and Phillip will get a third of the eggs retrieved.  Most likely that means they will receive 6-12 eggs, which will be inseminated.  Based on the maturity and viability of those eggs, it will determine the one that is transferred and the remainder that can be frozen (cryopreserved).  I asked if there is ever a chance that none of the inseminated eggs turn into viable embryos.  Kim said that there is always that possibility but it is highly unlikely - stressing highly.  If this were to happen, then we stop the cycle and then try again the next time the donor is able.  I don't foresee any issues there and technically we only need one embryo to make it work.  Of course, should the first not take, it will be very helpful to have some frozen to start a new cycle as soon as possible.  

Kim mentioned that I will not know the time of transfer until Saturday.  Why wouldn't they schedule during normal business hours Friday?  I have no idea.  They have us by the balls at this point - they say jump and we ask how high.  I asked if we could request a morning appointment and she said we can always request but they do not always honor those.  I asked her to request the earliest appointment possible.  My hope is that my mom and I can get on the road early and try to avoid the DC traffic both up and back.

Bethany had mentioned that she and Phillip will be there in the parking lot during the transfer.  It is really sad and disheartening that they cannot be in the appointment with me, but we have to understand that with COVID this is the new normal.  I suggested that since we have to travel back through Northern Virginia, it makes sense to just meet on our way home.  All of this is to be determined based on their comfort level and the timing of everything.

I am so excited, scared, nervous all at the same time.  Most importantly, I am full of faith while keeping expectations realistic.  Even if it doesn't work this time, we will keep trying.  I am determined to make them the Mama and Daddy they deserve to be.  Everything will work out, even if it is not immediately!

lining looks good

I am so looking forward to hearing from our nurse today with good news and the next steps! I got the awesome opportunity to have that bleak doctor do my ultrasound this morning.  He says nothing and when I ask anything, it is a one word answer.  It drives me insane!  But, the good news is that my lining was at 8.3 mm - exactly where I need to be!  Woohoo!  Assuming that my bloodwork is good to go and the donor gets triggered today, we are right on track!

One little disturbing thing today (which is ALL me) was my weight.  They didn't check my weight for my chart but as I waited in the hallway, I stepped on the scale for myself.  Accountability is key and with McDonald's for lunch yesterday along with some emotional eating this weekend, I knew i

t wouldn't be good.  I didn't realize I would be UP 5 pounds, but I was.  Oh well.  Back on track today with eating right, pushing the water, and exercising as much as possible. 
 

check out the angel glowing!

sunday call

I got a call from Linda, another nurse at SGF, today to explain that the MD is going to push the donor one more day before triggering.  Thus, she will be triggered tomorrow which keeps us right on our original timeline.  Assuming all goes well at my appointment tomorrow, transfer will be kept at next Monday, July 20th!

change in tides

I finally heard from the nurse today while we were out on the boat.  I listened to the voicemail as we came in from fishing.  Because this donor has donated a few times, the MDs remembered that she does need a little extra time to "trigger" to continue to mature the follicles.  So, she will not be triggered today.  It is possible she could still trigger tomorrow, in which I will keep my appointment for Monday for my lining check.

Kim, our nurse, was assuring to tell me that my lining is in a good spot and there is no concern that we will be where we need to be Monday.  When we did the mock cycle in January, I was on the estrace for 16 days and my lining was fine.  This time around, I didn't start the estrace until later because I was ovulating.  Therefore, I was only on the estrace for 10 days.  Monday, I will be at 14 days so I should be good to go.

All is well and I know in my heart everything will be good to go on Monday!

rolling with the flow

I have to say I didn’t get much sleep last night.  Nerves are setting in and my excitement is on high.  I’ve wanted this to be sooner rather than later since it all began and now it looks like the timeline may have been moved up a little!

I’m not great with change and I’m the ultimate planner - no surprise there.  

Our nurse sent an email yesterday evening to let us know that the donor’s follicles are growing faster than expected and it is possible she will trigger today or tomorrow.  If she triggers today, then I will need to go in for my next lining check and bloodwork tomorrow (Sunday).  No big deal, but I am on pins and needles waiting to hear.  If you know me, I only ever have my phone on  vibrate.  Not today.  I’ve got my ringer on and turned all the way up!  Since I’m at the river with very little service, I hope I’m able to get word as soon as they know.  

Well, heading out to the bay now in hopes to find some bigger fish and learn more about how the next few days will go!!!

We are almost there!!!!!

triggering

I have been trying to relay all of this information with not truly understanding what "triggering" means.  I know it is a shot and will indicate that 36 hours after the donor receives the trigger shot, the egg retrieval will happen.  To wrap my head around it all and maybe help you, too, this is what I learned:

In order for the donor to be ready to be triggered, her estrogen levels need to be right long with the follicles at the proper maturity.  The trigger shot is administered for final maturity and release.  For the retrieval, the eggs will be aspirated during surgery.  Bethany and Phillip will get a third of the eggs retrieved.  The same day those are retrieved, all of B/P's eggs will be fertilized with Phillip's sperm and will fertilize over night.  For me, the trigger means that the transfer will be scheduled 7 days from that time, 5 days after retrieval.  

So much science that I have to trust and believe in!  

"nice and fluffy"

As expected, I heard from SGF this afternoon with what I thought I would hear - for the most part.  Kim, our nurse was out of the office, so a nurse I had not yet worked with called and left me a voicemail to return her call.  When I spoke with her, she was quick to tell me that my bloodwork was great and that my uterus was triple-lined and "nice and fluffy."  I guess if I have to have someone describe my uterus, this is a good thing?  All in all, though, the lining is not where it needs to be (8 mm).  

This could definitely be due to the fact that I started the estrace later than originally planned.  However, there really is no reason to worry.  I will stay on the oral estrace three times a day, which was already in the timeline - no change there.  The one update is that I also now have to vaginally insert one of these estrace pills into my vagina to let it dissolve twice a day.  Yuck!  I guess I'll do whatever it takes, and I assume it could be much worse.

Lastly, because all boxes have to be checked, I have to return to SGF for another round of bloodwork and ultrasound.  Hopefully at that point, my lining will be where it needs to be and we will proceed with the fresh transfer on or around the 20th!!!

Stay tuned...

looking good

Not me - the process (I'm not THAT vain)!

I just got home from my bloodwork and ultrasound this morning.  Unfortunately, I had the drab doctor, but who cares.  He gets the job done, just wish I could have the really personable one I was able to experience last week.

Great news - I weighed in at 170.8!  My personal goal is to be at 165 for transfer and it is attainable!  I CAN DO IT!  This Facebook competition has me full speed ahead.  Maybe I'll make some money at the end of the month, too!?

Okay news - my uterine lining is at 6.3 mm.  I need to be at 8 mm for transfer.  

BEST news - the uterine lining lacking a little bit is totally understandable.  Due to my late ovulation and the fact that I had to get my progesterone levels back down previously, I lost about 5 days of the medicine that I am on now to thicken my lining.  That said, I think it is safe to assume that I should get word this afternoon from our nurse and let us know I need to go back next week for another lining check.  I am not discouraged one bit - that is a feat in itself!  Nor am I worried - we've got this!

  

continued support

Last week, I opened my email to see a beautiful noteof support and understanding from Phillip's mom.  I am not sure what it was, but it caught my emotions off guard.  I boohooed.  Everyone's pure acceptance and support to chug along has been something that always keeps me going.  Since the process was stalled for so long and the fact that all of our lives have been completely disrupted by COVID, it was so humbling to receive such a wonderful note.  

Beyond the support, Phillip's mom offered immense gratitude to my family and me now and throughout the journey.  It is so nice to know that if it is a couple of hours for Jacob and I to take advantage of some kidless time, a meal, a conversation, or whatever we may need, I can count on them at any time.

Kind words never go unnoticed and I am so thankful to have so many lovely people to stand by our sides for a long time to come!

donor progress

This morning, while out in the bay fishing, I received the best text message from Bethany - "Donor is starting her meds!  This train has officially left the station!!!"  It is crazy to think of all of the synchronization that goes into a fresh transfer using a donor egg.  While I have to have all bloodwork/ultrasounds perfect, so does the donor.  Knowing that she was good to go and is starting her meds was a huge weight lifted!  If everything continues to go well, we should receive word on the actual transfer date on or around July 13th.  This is getting very real and very exciting - very quickly.

I couldn't be more thankful and excited!  Happy Fourth of July weekend to you all!  Let's all stay safe and healthy, keeping in mind the freedoms we have!

not-so-delicate excitement

I feel awful that I am posting this, but I think this realization stings a little bit - for all of us.  After my appointment yesterday I immediately texted Bethany and let her know that the appointment went well and that I even had 16 eggs, which is irrelevant.  A couple of hours later when Bethany hadn't responded, I realized that I just sent information that made no difference to us on this journey but could make Bethany potentially feel like less of a woman because the lack of eggs was one of her issues.

I immediately texted to say I was sorry I was so inconsiderate.  I didn't think but I have to remember that so much of this journey brings back awful memories for Bethany and there are some things I should keep to myself so that I don't indirectly hurt her feelings.