Thank you!

I am not sure if anyone reads these any longer, but I have made the decision to stop blogging at this time.  I want to thank each of you for your prayers and support along the way!  When I think back to the fact that we made Bethany and Phillip parents, it still doesn't resonate.  It is like I have to pinch myself often.  I appreciate each of your time as you read and shared in the entire experience.  What a difficult, beautiful journey it was.  

Maybe one day we can publish a book about the experience.  Just a thought...after all, it all started with just an offer.

tunes have changed

It is so strange how Meade's teacher doesn't give updates any longer on the app we were supposed to download - it is only once a week now apparently.  I can't imagine that checking or highlighting 8 things really takes up that much time at the end of the day.  It has been a busy week getting ready for her birthday party Saturday.  She took cupcakes to class today and came home with two.  I asked if the teacher ate one or not and she said nope.  Look, lady, just take it and throw it in the trash.  It hurts the kids feelings if you don't take a cupcake for her birthday.  If you're worried about death talk, here's one way to be sensitive to a child!

I'm a little overwhelmed but so excited for this weekend. 

I got an email from the dance place where Meade has class on Wednesday evenings.  It mentioned needing help in the lobby.  I had no idea that when I opened it, it was asking for parents to refrain from cursing in the lobby since there are children always around.  Really?  No fucks given to this, although it probably was me.  I can't think of a time when I cussed yesterday but that means nothing.  Cursing is part of my normal vocabulary and I try to be mindful of little ears around.  There were classes late until after we left, so maybe, just maybe they were talking about someone else?

Right before Christmas, I stopped everyone in the lobby right in the tracks because someone was talking about the Legendary Santa and I offered that the REAL Legendary Santa from the Children's Museum died last year.  True stuff.  You would have thought I walked in naked, belting out Whitney Houston or something.  Everyone shut up, there was one child who's mom covered her ears.  Get real people!  This is life!  If you are teaching that the photo op Santas are the real deal, that is on you.  It's always something!

2 days/2 wins

I didn't see that coming!

Jacob and I both went and toured different daycares yesterday morning.  We liked them both and it is a little relief to know we have options.  By the time I had gotten out of my tour, I had been playing phone tag with a counselor that I left a message with last week.  She is willing to see not just Meade, but BOTH kids, in two weeks!  What?  Is this real?  I don't know but I am taking it as a huge win!

I met with Meade, her teacher, and the lead teacher yesterday afternoon via Zoom.  Not ideal, but I will take it.  I greeted Meade with a big smile and asked how her day was going.  She said good and was smiling back.  I asked her teacher to confirm or tell me the real story, which she would not do because Meade was right there.  That is what this is about, lady!  Get it out in the open!  Let her be accountable for her shitty behavior.  Come on!

The conversation was then led by the lead teacher with mostly information.  Then, the lead teacher turned to "play" with Meade so that the teacher and I could talk without Meade in the mix.  Very counter-productive of the entire reason for the meeting, but I knew I wasn't going to get anywhere fast.  A million more reasons of why Meade isn't a good fit.  Thanks, noted.  Now what?  Well, they are going to send her home with a piece of paper each day with the classroom rules.  Check marks for what she followed and highlights for where we need improvements.  Two weeks to see improvement or then she needs to be removed.  

Meade came home yesterday with four checks and four items highlighted.  I could definitely envision worse.  Today, Meade came home with ALL checks and a big smiley face and a WOW!  See, she CAN do it!  Another HUGE win!  I'll take all I can get at this point and was so happy I started crying and Meade definitely didn't understand that.  Oops.  No school tomorrow, Wednesday, so who knows what Thursday and Friday will bring.

limited fucks

Jacob and I had my cousin, Christopher, and his wife, Angie, over for supper and games yesterday evening.  We didn't even eat supper, frankly.  We had plenty of snacks though!  It was such a great time being with them, completely open and honest, having fun all at the same time.  

One thing I learned from them was what Christopher often says, "this isn't worth a fuck."  Maybe this will be my new mantra to focus on what really matters.  When we think about life, we have a limited amount of fucks to give.  The next situation we face may not be worth a fuck.  Make sense?  It definitely resonated with me!

I wish I could stop worrying over Meade.  I cuss Ricky all the time for dying (like it was his fault) because I think that the grief is what has made her very strong-willed self more difficult to work with.  These next two weeks we need to see vast improvement in order to keep her in the preschool program.  I know she can do it, but will she?  There's no telling and until I have to worry about it, I need to just breathe.

Oh Meade - a clingy gal that blurts out and makes less than great decisions one hundred percent of the time and talks about death turned into we can no longer support the kid that is grieving and trying to figure out life. But they can do that. This is a very privileged opportunity. If Meade takes up too much time, those that are there for the services they receive due to diagnoses are unable to get the attention they deserve. I get it. I’m torn.

Everything in me says take her out. Remove her now. My mind and my heart agree. Fuck money. Things will get worse and I’ll be stressed out each day wondering if she is too bothersome and it’s the final straw. Get her scheduled to start in a week or two. Wing it in the meantime.  This makes it easier on me, not her, which is doing Meade an injustice.  I will do my best to take it as it comes and see how the virtual meeting with Meade and her teachers goes tomorrow.  I'm holding on tight and bracing for the ride!

fabulous friday

Hah, if only!  It feels like I am failing everything in my life, with the exception of work.  I have been thanked several times this week for what I have done and told that I am doing a great job.  However, at home, I feel as though I am failing in my marriage and failing more so as a parent.  How do I overcome this feeling and just get my shit together so that I can be the best I can be for everyone?

It is no one else’s fault in Meade’s program that she has been through so much and has trouble controlling herself.  It is not my fault.  It is not my fault.  I have written that and erased it several times because I want to take blame.  The situations were not in my control – it is not my fault.  While I cannot be blamed for what has happened, I have not always thought coherently about how to address what we have been through as a family and done enough to ensure my children have the appropriate coping mechanisms to move forward responsibly.  

As my Nanny used to say “this is an age, stage, or phase and this too shall pass.”  Please pass.  I am begging we get through this as quickly as possible because I am on the verge of breaking.  School doesn’t care though.  They don’t care if I am fragile.  If the kids are fragile.  That’s not true. Gregory’s teacher has gone above and beyond to help.  The preschool program doesn’t care.  But why should they?  It is a privilege for Meade to be there and she is taking away from the other student’s success because she is requiring so much support.

I did get an opportunity today to connect with the lead teacher.  I tried to be as honest as possible without placing blame on anyone but myself.  That said, I can't address items to improve upon if I am not aware they are going awry.  This teacher understood my desire to have a conference with Meade in the room.  She suggested a zoom call, which I would be fine with.  We will get that set up for early next week and give Meade two more weeks to improve.  We both are committed to working hard, in tandem, to make Meade successful.  However, there has to be a date in which we need to pivot if necessary.

I have scheduled two daycare tours for Monday.  I am exhausted, emotionally.  We will make it and one day laugh about this shitty situation.  I long for that day!

supporting Meade

I didn't hear anything from the lead teacher yesterday - that's frustrating.  Again, nothing so far today.  Meade came home and said she had a good day.  I went into her backpack and found three sticky notes.  Two front and back of instances where Meade fucked up today and that this is a “typical” day.  Playing with toys during the pledge.  Arguing with peers over toys.  Interrupting during circle times 5 times, in which guidance observed.  Guidance also observed the refusal to follow center play rules.  She cried because she didn’t want to clean up.  She told a joke about a cow getting killed during literacy.  Really?  Who gives a shit!  She lost her chair for rocking it after having warnings.  She didn’t follow directions during a school drill, after four requests because she wanted to be under the teacher’s desk with everyone else but there was no room.  She says she is itchy during nap time.  Maybe it is her clothes?  Mold?  I don’t have a clue what that means.  

I sent a note to her thanking her for the concrete examples we could work on and that I had not heard from the Lead.  Oh, she got busy today and will call tomorrow.  But also, here’s a picture showing where Meade wouldn’t share dinosaurs with her friends.  There are dinosaurs all over the fucking table.  Most were in front of Meade.  Apparently she pushed the others hands away when they wanted them and she refused to share.  

What now?  I think we might want to just take her out at this point.  She is four.  I probably shouldn’t have put her in the program with the baby situation.  I had no fucking clue my brother, who lived with us, would die, leading to further issues.  I found a place for $226 a week.  I don’t even care about the money anymore.  The thought of it makes me want to puke, but who fucking cares.  

At this point, I feel that they are out to document every little thing so that when they dismiss her, it is justified.  Should we take her out before that?  I don’t know.  What do I do?  I’ve been on pins and needles all fucking day waiting for the next message to come.  

Why now? Why all of a sudden?  Monday was about her needing counseling so I bent over backwards to try and find that.  Tuesday was about her not being okay enough to fit in with the program and that I need to look elsewhere.  That escalated quickly!  She’s four fucking years old.  She is expected to be a helper and I think that she sees her peers getting more attention and that she then also seeks it, likely not in the best ways.  

I have two messages since the beginning of the year that mention Meade had bad days.  I got a note home one day that she was the queen of kindness.  I got two notes about her being weepy.  Nothing else until this past Monday.  Nothing!  Are you fucking kidding me?  And now if she doesn’t clean up her shit, she’s kicked out?  Well, that’s a great way to set up a kid up for failure by not speaking with the parents to help her work on it for weeks beforehand.  I feel like I always fight for things that I feel are right but I am always looking at it from my lens only.  I understand she is privileged to be in this program and is there to help those with disabilities.  But if we don’t know, we can’t work on it.  

I don’t want others to say oh you’re a good mom or don’t call yourself a failure but I fucking feel like one.  I feel so self absorbed that I didn’t think about the children.  I do the best I fucking can, that’s for sure.  But I can’t do anything if I am not aware.  Maybe we will learn more tomorrow.

give love

Oh man.  I am spiraling.  Nothing I do seems to be enough.  I will never stop advocating for my children.  On the other hand, I will also support teachers.  I come from a long list of teachers and I have seen the detrimental issues that arise when there is no parental, or even worse, administrative support.  I refuse to be one of those moms that acts as if their kids do no wrong.  Every day is a struggle as a parent and I can only imagine what they are going through when the teachers are with my children more waking hours than I am each day.  A reminder, I am always thankful for Mondays when the kids can go back to school.

I have really struggled with wanting to hate Meade's teacher.  That isn't fair, though.  I read something that really resonated with me.  I need to love everyone and even in the difficult times if I show grace, I am going to make more progress.  God teaches us to find different perspectives and realize that we are all human.  If we continue to work against each other, that helps no one.  

a pity party

I sent Meade to school with a list of items to work on.  I had let the teacher know that I had scheduled the first available appointment for counseling but am trying to also find something sooner.  Barely any therapists take insurance anymore – they don’t have to.  People will pay out of pocket and dealing with reimbursement from insurance is a pure pain in the ass.  Just research it.  The behavioral health system right now is all out of whack.  Embarrassingly, I work for a company that is one of those barriers to receiving the care we need.

I sent a message to check in and a litany of items were returned about how she fell short.  I was frustrated and returned a message telling her to tell me to just take her out.  I can’t go through the roller coaster any longer.  Maybe we are just spinning our wheels at this point?

I asked for a face to face conference with Meade.  I think it resonates more when the three are in the same room verses two of us talking behind the scenes and then trying to get through to Meade.  I was told that she didn’t think it would be beneficial at this time for the three of us to meet to go over her issues.  She did suggest a meeting with the “lead” teacher, to which I said I will meet with her and you don’t have to be in the middle.  Why would she want to meet with the lead teacher there but not with  me directly?  She gave the lead my phone number.

Throughout the day, I cried and cried.  When the kids got home, I cried more, in front of them.  I lost it at the supper table.  I am having an extremely difficult time controlling my emotions.  Oh, the joys of parenting.

parenting woes

We had a lovely morning at the zoo today with some family friends.  It was such a delight to see their faces and excitement over every single animal.  It was quite exhausting, too.  

I had reached out about scheduling a conference with Meade’s teacher.  That was Monday.  I knew that we would be told of some of her shortcomings and have things to work on.  It is normal – she is four.  What I didn’t realize was that the 15 minutes would turn into “here is why Meade doesn’t fit into this program.”  The teacher counted 41 times that she had to be redirected last Friday.  On top of that, they were playing vet (Meade has no pets and desperately wants them so this is a tough subject in our house).  Meade said the pet was dead – redirected not to talk about death.  Meade said there was blood – redirected not to talk about blood.  Meade said there was pooping issues – redirected not to talk about poop.  Meade said the pet was vomiting – redirected not to talk about vomiting.  The pet is at the fucking vet!  There must be issues!  

Much of this boiled down to the fact that she believes Meade needs counseling.  I broke.  I have failed the kids as a parent.  While doing my damnedest to get through my own grief, I have failed to realize that the children are also struggling and can likely benefit from the same.  Why didn’t I think of that?  What a slap in the face.

I got right on it.  I called the pediatrician right away and got their first available appointment for April 8th.  I called around to other places, too.  I contacted a concierge practice that I was just going to pay for, but they could only see her virtually.  I am not sure that a 4 year old will benefit from virtual counseling.  I sent emails to three others and called another.  We are on a wait list at two now and I have reached out personally to an old friend that is at one of those practices where we are waitlisted.  The teacher also informed me that she tried to reach out to the guidance counselor but was not in at the time.  Her last message was “I will let you know if you know if we don’t see improvement and maybe need to look at different supports for Meade :).”

nicer weather

This beautiful weather every afternoon calls for lots of time outside!  We have definitely missed that.  One day after school, we met our neighbor and her grandchildren at the church to play on the playground and fly kites.  It was really neat to see the kids experience the kites.  I don't think I have ever flown a kite with any accuracy in the past.  They did great!  

We have also been spending a lot of time in the yard cleaning things up for the party in a couple of weeks.  Tons of sticks gathered, millions of leaves and gum balls raked (even though you wouldn't realize that a couple of days in), the garage cleaned up, etc.  I have been getting the kids to help and they have done a good job - anything to keep them outside!  Jacob got most of the leaves up and all of the flower beds cleaned out, too.  

Yesterday, Meade and I had a girls' day.  We picked up Ms. Anne from Westminster Canterbury and met Adrienne for lunch.  Anne is 97!  She adores Meade.  We went to Panera (the only place that Anne is comfortable).  Definitely not my favorite, but it was fine.  We all had a blast chatting and hanging out with one another.  

It also turned out to be a huge teachable moment for Meade.  There was a gentleman sitting behind us that was obviously homeless.  The poor man, Ken, smelled so bad.  It was difficult to eat.  Meade offered him the rest of her pizza which he ate in no time.  We went further to give him a bag of cookies we brought for Adrienne, but she wanted to just split the other bag with Anne.  I had two apples in my bag that I tried to give him as well, but he wouldn't accept.  I felt so awful for him.  Meade asked why his fingernails were so dirty and he didn't respond.  It is hard for children to understand why people don't have homes, food to eat, shoes that fit, clean clothes, etc.  I hope it resonates with her how good we truly have it and that if we can help someone else we always need to do that.

what if?

I finally sat down and got my plane tickets and rental car for California in April.  I am beyond excited but also very terrified.  I tried putting some of my thoughts down on paper...

What if the plane goes down?  What if I start to figure out who I am?  What if I change?  What if people don't like me anymore?  What if I learn what I need to to make the most impact in my life?  What if I realize what I am supposed to do:  in motherhood, in marriage, in family, in faith?  What if I figure out my purpose in this life and what I enjoy most?  What if the plane goes down?  What if I find my most true self that brings inner peace to me and allows me to be the best I can for those I love?  What if the plane goes down?  If the plane goes down, I hope that I will have inspired someone with hope, love, and the willingness to be kind for no reason at all?  If that is true, it is okay if the plane goes down.  Yet, that is highly unlikely and I'm on my way to more healing and more intention in my future.

There's that.  I could say what if all day long.  But the opportunities are limitless and I should never let fear drive me.

party pooping

We are getting excited for Meade's birthday next weekend!  I have secured a petting zoo that will bring barnyard babies for us to see and pet.  So exciting!  I have been starting to plan a little more of a fair theme to go with the zoo.  We have Uncle Ricky's cotton candy maker and I bought a popcorn maker - why not?  I am sure that will get use around here well after the birthday party.  I hope friends will ask to use it, too.  Might as well get all it is worth!

Today I also took Meade to the urologist to address her incontinence.  She did really well.  Voided and emptied her bladder, pooped on command, and did fine with the ultrasound of her bladder.  The MD has us doing a poop chart as she suspects that the pooping may be the culprit.  We put milk of magnesia in her bottle/milk for the first couple years of her life due to pooping issues and we stopped doing it a couple of years ago because we thought she was pooping fine.  What we didn't know was that it was around the same time we potty trained and COVID hit.  We had thought that the incontinence issues were stemming from COVID and the fact that we couldn't be with her at every moment to prompt her to use the bathroom.  The pediatrician said that she was fine and that there is no need to get checked unless it persists.  At almost 5, it is definitely time.  

So, here's to knowing all about poop and being able to label it 1 to 5 on a whim!

i did it!

I took that leap!  I met with Kristine Carlson today and everything she said about the What Now? Retreat sounds lovely and I went and spent the money to register.  I can't believe I did it, but the support around me has been so awesome.  I am sure I will wretch when I go to pay the credit card off at my next paycheck, but who cares!  It is just money!  

I have been exploring flights and such, but haven't figured out what will be best.  I know I need to leave a day early and the best flights home would put me home a day late, but I think it makes most sense to get home that Sunday, if at all possible.  I need to be there to do the normal schedule with the children and I am sure Jacob will need a break.  Both of our parents are willing to step in and help however they can.  What a blessing and a relief.  It doesn't get much better than this.  

I have some coursework to do to prepare as well.  I will start on that soon.  

We also had the pleasure of our great Aunt Jeanie (great great to the kids) joining us for supper tonight.  We celebrated her birthday that was Sunday.  We had the best time reminiscing, eating, and making sweet family memories.  We adore Aunt Jeanie and are so lucky she spoils us with her love.

more a-ha moments

Tonight with my friend Mavis, studying the bible, I had more moments where it felt like I was being spoken to, with just what I needed to hear.  We went through an exercise that laid out troubles and how God addresses those items in the bible.  I was asked to choose which one of the verses, which explained solutions to troubling situations means the most to me.  I pondered for a moment and chose the one that states we will experience complete peace.  Frankly, if my world is peaceful, none of the troubles matter.  So that one solution takes care of all of them at once.  The bible offers hope in ways I never would have imagined.

There is a lot on my mind this week.  I have a meeting tomorrow with an author to discuss a retreat I feel as though I have been called to attend.  I'm scared to death to do it, but think it could really be good for me, especially these days.  Following the birth last October, I knew that I would have to find my new purpose in life.  I have spent so much effort and energy on bringing that sweet baby in the world, what what I focus on now?  I don't know.  I figured it would be an issue, but had no idea that I would be dealing with such fierce grief at the same time. 

My prayer is that tomorrow gives me the answers I need and the ability to step out of my comfort zone, if it is the right time.  Everyone says I cannot be enough for others if I am not enough for myself.  Maybe, just maybe, that self is on the horizon?!  It is exciting and terrifying at the same time.

letting go

I am one to plan things to a T and get pissed when they don't go like I think they should.  We all know that things change, plans are diverted, and Plan B often becomes a reality.  We live in a new world of COVID - it is second nature now.  I never used to have a Plan B because only Plan A was important to me.  There was no room for error.  Over the last few months, I have learned that life is so much easier if I let go of control.

Instead of getting so utterly angry when someone cancels, I give them the out at the time of scheduling.  "If something crazy comes up, I totally understand."  Let me tell you that having this new mindset does me wonders!  I started to realize that when I get rattled, it is only bothering me - nobody else cares - so why let it?  

We had a busy yet great weekend.  We had plans to go to the south side for a nephew's birthday so I wanted to get as much in down there as I could.  Even though Bethany was going to the party, Makenna was not so I wanted to see her for a few minutes if they were up for it.  I made supper for a friend to drop off to them, and I was finally getting rid of the rest of the IVF meds that someone on facebook marketplace wanted.  It was a lot, but we got it done and made it to the birthday party on time.

Even though I only had about 20 minutes with sweet baby Henry, I enjoyed every second of it.  She was fussy and hungry, but it didn't bother me in the least.  I just love getting to be with her.  She's not yet at my favorite baby stage, but the bond there is real.  I can't wait until she is sitting up on her own and able to react and smile back, etc.  We were offered to go have more cousin time after the party, but I knew my children were going to be disasters if we tried.  They went to a neighbor's to play yesterday and acted like such little assholes when Jacob went to pick them up, that I didn't want to set them up for that kind of meltdown again.  

Today, we again had plans to go to friends' for the Super Bowl.  We all had a blast and Jacob was even okay to stay until the end of the first quarter, which never happens.  He hates having distractions during football, but we compromised and everything went really well.  

Tomorrow is going to be a tough day!  I am up entirely too late, cheering on the Bengals!

"you are so unusual"

I had the opportunity to speak to one of Ms. Clare's sweetest friends today.  Remember, Ms. Clare is the lady with Parkinson's and dementia that I helped for several years and we had a bond that I will cherish forever.  Now, that bond is continued through a wonderful friendship with her daughter Adrienne.  Adrienne let me know that Anne, Ms. Clare's friend, was struggling with a few things and that she asked about me.  Of course I could call her! 

At 97, Anne answered the phone and was down at first.  When she heard it was me, it was like life jumped back into her and her spirit was contagious.  Before I could ask her how she was doing, she blurted out "you are so unusual!" I had to laugh and agree with her but she went on to say that she has never known anyone to do something so wonderful for someone else.  That I hit pause on my own life for several years to make it happen.  That I was more devoted and dedicated to help create a family than she has ever seen.

All very, very sweet, but it still stands out that she thinks I am so unusual.  Maybe I am.  I think I am just letting God work through me.  It was obvious that is what it was about in August of 2018, but what now?  We talked about everything under the sun and I offered to go with her to some upcoming appointments because she has no family in Virginia.  She wouldn't accept my offer for next week but is going to keep me in mind for future appointments.  That's what it is all about - there's no reason I can't take off half a day of work to spend quality time with Anne and make sure she gets to and from an appointment safely.  The most beautiful thing is that always before we hang up, we both say "I love you."  What spawned out of a gig to make more money 9 years ago is yet another beautiful relationship that I treasure.  

While Anne has no doubt that I will find my new purpose, I continue to wonder "what if?" I was stewing over what has been in my heart all week, the What Now Retreat, as Jacob came home.  I felt somewhat conflicted because I didn't want to mention it to him unless I was sure it was something I wanted to do.  After all, it is going to cost quite a lot of money and he will need major help with the children if he still wants to work if I go.  

I was nervous and excited when Jacob walked in the office.  I asked him if I was crazy and went into how I think this may be a good opportunity.  His simple response was "you can't take the brinks truck with you." He knows what I worry about the most - the financial hit it would take from our savings.  But, he was more than supportive and told me "go - just go."  What a weight lifted off my shoulders!  Jacob is happy to let me go.  He isn't stressed about having the children by himself.  He said that I get a bonus for a reason to take some of that money and just go.  I can't believe it, but I am beyond grateful to him for understanding that this may be in my future.  After all, it will only help us as a family unit if I find who I am supposed to be in the midst of being a wife and a mother that oftentimes spirals out of control.

Now what?  Now, I go into my meeting next Tuesday with the support of the people I love most knowing I am ready if it is where this life should take me at this time.

messages for me

I have gotten back on track in reading Heartbroken Open.  I swear it is almost like I am reading about my own life, feelings, struggles, and grief.  It is amazing that someone in a hugely different situation, also grieving, is so parallel.  

This revelation made me go out to Kristine Carlson's website and peruse.  I know there are more tools out there that can help and maybe I should start with what she is offering.  What I didn't know was that there was something staring at me so obviously and God was saying this is it.  This is it.  This is what I need.  I called my mom and let her in on a few things to get her perspective.  It is such a big thing that she even needed some time to think about it.  

Before I commit to anything, I started doing some research.  I have a meeting set up next Tuesday to see what is right for me and when.  Maybe I will make this new itch a reality?  Maybe I won't.  Regardless, I am exploring what is best at this time.  However, I can't get around God's push.  Frankly, I am feeling the same urgency now as I did before I offered to carry Bethany and Phillip's baby.  We all know that was an amazing feat in which I learned so much about myself.  Why stop there?

psyched up

I had my last in person visit with Dr. C after the birth of my little Henry back in mid-December.  I was referred to VCU's psychiatry department to follow up for the depression I am experiencing with this awful grief.  Today is the day.

On the way home with the kids, knowing I had a few minutes to spare when I got home, I got a call.  The name I didn't recognize but she said that the appointment could start earlier.  I told her that I had kids in tow and would be available in ten minutes.  Cue getting the kids in the door, shoes off, homework started, snacks provided, etc., and in the right mind space to meet with a psychiatrist.

There were a few technological difficulties, but we made it work.  I didn't understand why I was told I was meeting with Dr. Shah, but a Dr. Bise was calling.  I learned that she is the chief resident in the group and she gets a baseline before Dr. Shah calls.  We went through my situation, did the postpartum worksheet to calculate my score and talked through a few things.  She was very nice but I was ready to get the show on the road.  It was a little frustrating that I would have to go through it all over again with Dr. Shah, so I wasn't super pleased.

Finally, Dr. Shah called.  Before even saying hi, she took a moment to stress that my purpose to get Makenna in this world was something far beyond anything she had ever known as a selfless act.  That made me feel good.  I had to tell her that every difficult thing about it makes it all worth it now.  Unfortunately, I had a shitty few days beforehand and that is why I am here.  I guess I was pretty stoic and said that I was doing okay.  I am.  I am okay most days.  Then, we got to the issues and I was a teary mess.  Dr. Shah validated that anyone in my position would be struggling.  We went through what I was doing to make strides ahead as well as my current meds.

While I am on Zoloft and it is my magic drug, I do want to consider other anti-depressants due to the fact that I have no sex drive at all.  It is only fair for Jacob.  We talked through that and Dr. Shah suggested that get on Wellbutrin, decrease Zoloft a little in a week and check back in in a couple of months to see how I am doing.  I am willing to give it a go!  She also mentioned that people often gained weight on Zoloft and lose weight on Wellbutrin.  Sign me up!  

Dr. Shah really was super sweet, plus stunningly beautiful, even virtually.  I enjoyed her and look forward to going back in a couple of months.  I sure hope that this new medicine regimen gets me on the right track to progress into who I am supposed to be for me, and then for the rest of the world.

the power of giving

I offered earlier this week to take supper to some friends that have been having difficult times lately.  The response always is strange - are you sure?  You are dealing with enough?  Why in the world would you want to add something else to your plate?  Well, it is easy!  Selfishly, it makes me feel better to do for others.  I had one family take me up on bringing them supper Saturday.  Another family thanked me but said they were okay.  I don't want to be too pushy, but do want people to know that I am there in a heartbeat if there's something I can do for them.

When I take a step back and think about what makes me most content, it is doing for others.  Serving through kindness.  On the other hand, I have people saying all the time (Jacob mostly) that I have to stop doing for everyone else and start doing for me.  Don't fret my friends, I am continuing a keen focus on myself and who I am supposed to be.  I feel like I will be able to get there through these offers of assistance.  

I'm a saver, not a spender.  However, if Jacob asks if we can donate to someone going through a tough time or a cause he feels passionate about, I never hesitate.  I'll save all the pennies I can at the grocery store, shopping for kids clothes, or even when planning family activities.  When it comes to giving, there is no boundary.  It makes me feel so much better than spending on myself.  

I've always said that if I was rich, I would want to be a philanthropist.  What is better in this world?  Giving to make an impact on others' lives or projects is a great way not to tackle the world myself yet help those tackling little pieces of it with their slice, as the SMEs of that domain.  It doesn't make sense for me to jump in if I don't understand the inner workings of something, but it does make sense to accelerate a vision that I find passion in by helping the cause financially.

Try it, I bet you'll feel better, too!

I recently read this and it sums up my thoughts:

"You can heal faster emotionally, but also physically. There's a selfish element in it, really. When we make someone happy, we become even happier. If you decide yourself that you will help in some way, you will benefit the most because it will create amazing joy. Those who are not doing anything are missing out on a very profound joy." - Petra Nemcova

ask, seek, knock

In my Bible study last night, I found a verse that spoke to me.  In Matthew, it is stated that we have the responsibility to God to ask things of Him, seek His presence, and knock on His door.  What is strikingly obvious in the scripture, but not always in our minds is the knocking part.  I pray a good bit.  I always ask for guidance and for God to be with me and those that I love.  I also ask for other, more specific things.  However, when I ask for those things, am I acting in a way that helps make me realize those items?  If I am not doing my part, how can God?

I have a lot of knocking to do, for sure.  I think I am on track to get where I need to be, but what I don't know is where that is.  I know what I want.  I want to be at peace and happy with my life.  Of course, there will always be moments of frustration or discontent, but that doesn't mater when I look at the big picture.  Those things that make me reel are also what will make me grow, becoming that person that I strive to be.  How can I make sure I am taking the right steps so that what I knock on God's door about he can help to work through me?

This simple, yet profound verse got me last night.  Not only do I need to strengthen my relationship with God, but I need to put in the work to be what he desires me to be.  When that happens, the peace and happiness are bound to be present.

green faith

I didn't want to do my 7pm bible study tonight, but I know I need it.  I couldn't believe how much I got from tonight's session - it was profound.  I am embarrassed that I am so green when it comes to the bible, but there's no place to start learning than the here and now.  

One of the things that hit me hard was that explicitly, Matthew tells us to Ask, Seek, Knock.  Matthew 7:7.  I am able to ask God for help or guidance for anything at any time.  I am also able to do the same in just asking for his presence to be with me.  Or, instead of asking, I can seek what is God's plan for me.  Most importantly, though, we have the responsibility to knock.  This is an action and it is up to me to take those steps.  Beyond having God in my life, the bible is there to help to answer any of the questions I have.  What a relief - I just have to look.

I also had no idea that Matthew, Luke, and John are all books that were written by these individuals to give their perspectives of Jesus's life from his birth to his death.  I had no idea.  I feel like I need to read those three books in their entirety sooner rather than later.  I feel as though I ask more questions about the Bible, sometimes rather than soaking it all in.  The lady I am studying with is so patient and kind.  For instance, as we read a verse in Acts, it mentions a "eunuch.  I had no idea what that was, so I was quick to ask what that word meant.  I had no idea that a eunuch is a man that has been castrated and who's job was to protect women.  Who knew?

I have so much to learn and am excited to continue to do so.  I definitely need this in my life!

cranky and tired

Oh boy, this weekend did me in.  I am awfully cranky this morning.  I am still reeling over Gregory's behavior and trying not to still get angry with him since we addressed it yesterday.  It is hard to do, though.  I hate being disrespected.  I can handle the bad, but I have a really hard time putting up with shitty, careless kids.  

If you're the praying type, please pray that I get patience with these children and help to teach them to remember to always be kind and listen.  

loads of fun

Friday, I didn't get back online after school and took the kids down to my parents' for the weekend.  We picked up Renn on the way and set out for a good time.  It was unknown to them, but we had scheduled a fun time at Compass yesterday.  The kids were awful.  I am so sick of them being entitled little brats.  When Gregory gets around Renn, he is constantly trying to show off and is utterly disrespectful and bad.  I can handle the bad, all kids are bad sometimes.  What throws me out of sorts is when they are disrespectful.

I was yelled at, spit at, and otherwise simply ignored.  Oh man, I feel like I had never yelled so much.  I sat all three kids down after bath and told them that that behavior would not be tolerated and if it didn't get better we weren't going to do the fun things we had planned.

Saturday went well and we had so much fun!  We got to Compass right when they opened.  I bought the kids passes to the Fun Zone and they played and played.  We got tickets to the showing of Sing 2.  The kids played until the previews started and came into the theater ready to watch the movie with popcorn and drinks already there.  We even met a couple of friends there that were coming to visit.  After the movie, which was cute (until I fell asleep - those chairs offer the best damn naps ever - I highly recommend the nap for the price of a movie ticket!), the kids went back into the fun zone for thirty more minutes or so.  

Our friends came back to mom and dad's and we laid low while the children played.  It was nice to have the extra child there (and a girl) so that it was two and two, verses the three in which never really works out well, but it is all we got!  

Jimmy, Ricky's best friend who is also like a brother to me, joined us for supper along with Sarah.  After the kids got settled, we played cards and had a grand old time!  This morning was a little more difficult because Gregory was back on his high horse.  He was sent to his room and after more spitting and yelling, I asked Dad to go up and talk to him.  He did.  I am not sure it made a huge difference, but it is good to be back home now where Jacob can take care of the kids for a little bit.  In fact, I just got up from a little nap on the couch!  

We had lots of fun this weekend but I also realized that I have got to work on my children more with manners and simple respect - this should be fun!

tough discussions

I went into therapy today feeling really good.  Everything has been going well.  Yes, I am tired.  Yes, I am still sad most of the time, but I am doing my best to live in the present.  Trying to feel the emotions and let them come and go as needed.  Of course there are difficult times, but they are getting to be less.  I feel a little lost because I am in the middle of four different self help books right now and on any given day, I don't know which one to focus on.  It becomes overwhelming to make that decision, so often I just don't read.  This is not going to help me at all.

I am beyond grateful that work is going really well.  I went into therapy in a wonderful mood and everything was great, until it wasn't.  Ugh, of course I need to go deep and feel, but sometimes I just don't feel like it.  I think I cried more during our session today than I have yet to date.  Everything we discussed seem to be raw, when it hadn't seemed so raw for the past couple of weeks.  I am glad my parents were here with Meade today so when I got out of the session, I was able to talk through a few things with them.  We cried and just said that we would have each other to get through the tougher times.  I thank God for them - I am not sure where I would be without them at this time.

When I went in to therapy thinking that everything was great, it quickly turned.  We never know what will hit us and when.  It stinks - it's purely awful.  That said, I know it is part of the process that I remain to be committed to.

focusing on scripture

I think I have said a few times that when I need God the most, I tend to forget that He is there and I can talk to him at any time.  Several weeks ago, a friend from work reached out to me to see if I'd like to go through a bible study with her to learn more about how God can work for me.  While I was a little apprehensive, I know it can only help to make me a better person.

Tonight was our first time together.  My friend studies via the Jehovah Witness faith and I already know that I have different beliefs, but I am willing to learn anything, even if I may not agree with everything.  The best part is that I explained that to my friend and she was not offended in the least.  

My friend had sent me a guide to look at and one of the first things I noticed were the scriptures that help one in their journey of grief.  I gravitated to those in the bible that was gifted to me back in college.  It was nice to "get my feet wet" again, beyond just prayer.  I didn't want to commit to an entire hour, but it went by as if it was only ten minutes.  I have so much to learn and look forward to strengthening my relationship with God as my friend helps to facilitate my walk with the bible.

an overdue lunch

Maria, Phillip's mom, and I have been trying to schedule a lunch together since my birthday.  Of course, things have gotten finicky since then and she was also traveling earlier this year.  Thus, we finally made it happen.  Today, I met her for a delicious and delightful lunch at the Jefferson.  Going there is a treat in itself.  

My nerves were on high even before I left.  The last time that Maria and I were out and about together was for my birthday.  Then, when she dropped me off is when my life forever changed.  I know it is silly to think that something so devastating could happen again, but that is where my mind went.  I opted not to have her pick me up so that I could ride in silence for a little bit both ways.  Sometimes that time alone helps me substantially.  

Maria really is one of the sweetest people you will ever meet.  She is a damned good psychotherapist - so good, that this also makes me nervous.  I often feel that I am being analyzed, but have gotten pretty used to it.  Every bit of Maria's analysis comes from the heart and I know she wants to help me so badly, but it throws me into disaster mode.  

I got home and was really cranky.  It took me a little bit to realize it, but I think it stems from diving deeper with Maria into my emotions and what my new purpose should be in life.  I guess I don't really feel like going there right now.  Needless to say, Jacob and the kids got the brunt of that.  Thankfully, I had invited my little (or not so little) cousins over to have supper and play cards.  That was a good distraction for me and we had the best time together.  Even Jacob played cards, which was really nice.  Meade (boy Meade) and Charlie have always been like my siblings and it was so nice that they were willing to hang out with their old, uncool cousin.  Maybe they came out of pity?  Who knows, I will take it regardless!

As they left this evening, my heart was so full.  I have got to try to make a point to socialize more often because it does help to mend the heart a little bit each time.

a full week of school?

If only we could be so lucky!  School has been nuts as of late and this week was no different.  Thank goodness Nana came to help with the children on their learn from home day!  Yesterday and today were early close days - I think due to the end of the semester.  Jacob came home early to grab the kids and be with them yesterday afternoon.  Today, I tried to swing it all on my own.  No such luck!  

Finally, when the work day was over, I was over them bothering me every other second and I packed the pool bag and made them put on their swim suits.  What a blessing we have, that we often forget about - the indoor pool at Burkwood.  The kids were nervous at first, but picked up their swimming skills in no time and had a blast.  It also gave me a little bit of a breather to the constant nagging and requests for snacks.  

Work is going really well, but I am still adjusting and am tired most of the time.  Busyness helps a ton, but I know it is only just a mere distraction.

to be a kid again

This morning was tough.  I was wrestling Gregory to get dressed.  Meade was screaming about more cheerios.  The house was a wreck.  I was in the middle of putting the clean dishes away while trying to attend to every other need of these children, who are totally capable of most things themselves, and two texts came through both just checking on me.  Dear friends that want to know how I am doing.  I went to my office to respond and totally lost it.

I try to be honest with friends because if I am not honest with them, I am likely not honest with myself.  As I wrote back that I was so sad all of the time, but day by day, I am getting stronger.  Each moment offers a new opportunity to heal a little bit more.  I couldn't get myself together before going back into the kitchen to finally get Meade her cheerios and the kids saw me crying.  Meade said "why are you doing that?"  After I blew my nose and wiped my tears, I told them I was sad.  Gregory stopped in his tracks and got teary.  Meade asked why I was sad.  When I said that it is sad that Uncle Ricky died, Meade said "that was so long ago."  

Yes, my sweet little girl, it was a few months ago.  I wish my heart would be healed by now, but it isn't.  It won't be truly healed ever again, but I am making strides to work on that.  Don't get me wrong, I am feeling better most days, most moments.  However, as anyone that has grieved before, knows that emotions are difficult to control.  I think I am in the middle of reading four different books right now to help on my journey of grief, but it doesn't happen overnight.  Boy do I wish it would!  

the real COVID VIP

Life is tough.  COVID makes it more difficult.  As I try to find little glimpses of gratitude in my life, I must say that the real savoir right now are screens.  As embarrassing as it is, I use them, way too often.  When I need a break, the kids get their kindles (or as they call them, their iPads).  No winning mom moment here as I confess this, but I am more than thankful for that damn iPad these days.  As much as I despise screens, the stupid things are my saving grace.  

As parents, Jacob and I will never be perfect, but we are trying to get stronger each day as a family.  Some days that doesn't involve screens.  Other days, my kids are immersed for hours on end.  I am sure we aren't the only family feeling this.  Maybe, by me being brutally honest, it can help someone else to realize that we are all doing the best we can and if that means screens, so fucking be it.

showing gratitude

It is easy, but often something we over look.  I complain and bitch all the time, so it only makes sense that I offer gratitude when it is deserved.  I think I mentioned that mom had forgotten her medicine when we went to Wintergreen, so I made a point to send recognition to CVS leadership about the wonderful lady the helped mom and dad last Friday.  

I had no idea how to get in front of the right person, so why not go right to the top?  I found the CVS CEO email online and figured it was worth a try:

While this is an unsolicited email, I think it is very important that my message gets to you and recognition gets back to Elizabeth appropriately.  While long, I wanted to give you a few details that make this interaction so impactful in my family’s life.  Maybe this can be a teachable moment for all CVS employees?

Friday, January 21st, I awoke at a beautiful home gifted to my family for the weekend to celebrate my brother’s 40th birthday.  Unfortunately, my brother passed unexpectedly in October and we felt that we needed to get away to celebrate him.  High on Afton Mountain in Wintergreen, VA, I had such a sense of gratitude to be there with my family, taking it all in.  When my mom came downstairs, she didn’t look well.  She informed us that she hadn’t slept all night, that she had forgotten her medicine.  Taking a step back, my mom has been on tons of medication over the last 20 years, the majority for mental health purposes, spurred after the death of our only other sibling in 2002.

I just knew that my father was going to spend nine hours on the road that day (if the weather was okay) to return home to Heathsville, VA to grab her meds.  We started brainstorming early and found a local CVS, at the bottom of the mountain, that didn’t open until 8.  At 8, my dad got on the phone, only to realize that the pharmacy portion of the store didn’t open until 9.  We set up an online CVS account for my mom so we had all of our ducks in a row once we called the retail store to explain the predicament.  

Having worked in managed care for years, I worried that CVS wasn’t going to be able to do anything.  Some of these meds are highly scrutinized and I just didn’t see her being able to get what she needed to even try to enjoy our weekend away.  My mom asked us to be her advocates, but I knew that I would get to angry when we were told there was nothing that could be done so I left it to my dad.

Around 930am, my parents came out of their room to tell us that they spoke with an individual named Elizabeth at the CVS in Waynesboro, VA (1235 W Broad Street).  They stressed that Elizabeth could not be any more helpful and kind.  She immediately let them know that there is a “vacation” policy that CVS has to help individuals in this same situation as people travel and luggage could be lost or, like in our case, meds were forgotten.  Elizabeth said she was unsure about one of the meds (highly regulated) but that she would work to get that as well as everything else filled for five days to get her through.  She said that she would call back by noon with any additional information or questions, but would do her best to have all other meds filled by that time. 

My parents went down the mountain proactively so that she could get her morning meds as soon as possible.  They were there by noon and everything was filled (with the exception of that one med that Elizabeth stated may be an issue).  Thankfully, that one regulated med was for PRN purposes only and there was no anxiety present to not have it.  Upon my parents’ return to where we were staying, they offered the most amazing accolades for your employee, Elizabeth.  She was just as lovely in person as she was on the phone.  She did exactly as she had stated she would, setting great expectations and following through.  

This type of interaction is what makes a difference in our world.  Customer service seems to go by the wayside too often these days.  Elizabeth stepped up to provide solutions that helped all of us enjoy the weekend as best as possible.  We could not be more grateful.  Please recognize Elizabeth for her efforts that went above and beyond for my family.

Thank you for having associates like Elizabeth that truly make an impact.

I truly thought that this email would fall into the abyss of spam, but it was worth a try.  This evening, I was flabbergasted to get a response, in only four hours!  From the Vice President of Enterprise Customer Resolution, here is the email I received:

Dear Ms. Meade-Tulli, 

 

On behalf of Karen and all of us at CVS Health, we can’t thank you enough for sharing this experience with us! We’re thrilled Elizabeth was able to provide this exceptional experience for your parents in their time of need. We will absolutely ensure she is recognized for the service she provided your family! 

We also wanted to offer our sincere condolences for the unexpected loss of your brother in October. It’s so wonderful your family had this precious time away together to celebrate his life. 

 

Thank you again for taking time out of your busy day to share this experience with us. It is indeed a teachable moment! 

 

Warm regards, 

Mary

This is what it is all about, my friends.  My email was read and appreciated.  I hope that Elizabeth gets the kudos she truly deserves.  Plus, Mary, went above and beyond to offer condolences - she didn't have to do that.  This simple gesture was a win/win for everyone and I am glad that I took the time to appreciate others.  That is what life is about - value those around us.  I hope to do more because it made me feel just as good as I am sure it made the leadership at CVS feel.

stupid security questions

I never know when I am going to get caught off guard.  Gregory came home with a sheet today stating that the cafeteria is going to start allowing them to get ice cream one Friday a month, or something like that.  In order for him to receive it, I have to put $3.75 on his online cafeteria account to get him ice cream for the rest of the year.  Sure, the kid can have ice cream five times through June.  No big deal.  

I had never put money on the cafeteria account because we have been more than lucky for the children to receive free lunches since the start of COVID.  Thus, I went online to create the account and add the money - he deserves a treat here and there.  Little did I know that I would be a mess in a matter of minutes.  In creating the stupid account, I had to answer several "security questions."  Yeah, we all do it all of the time.  

I answered one question, no problem.  The next came up: In what city does your nearest sibling live?  Well, fuck, I don't have anymore siblings living close.  I was angry that I had to answer this.  On the other hand, everyone else probably adds an answer and it is not an issue.  The tears streamed down my face and it killed me to write my answer: heaven.  

I try hard not to pity myself but I fell quickly into a pity party.  Why me?  Why are both my brother and sister dead?  It's not fair that my parents only have one surviving child left out of three.  There has to be something that can come out of this despair that will help others along the road.  What is my purpose now in life?  I can't let these emotions and heartache control everything I do.  I can try to figure out how to take this grief and turn it into healing and potentially helping others.  How?  I don't know, but I am willing to dig deep and find ways to make it work.

snap back to reality

I have to share this story of laying in bed last night.  Meade was with me.  Every two minutes, it seemed, she was saying "Mama" for something else.  Can I have some water?  Do you have any snacks?  Does she have school tomorrow?  When are we going to the mountain house again?  

After the last "Mama" I screamed "what do you want?"  She didn't say anything so I looked over at her.  She was startled by my response and said "Will you hold my hand?"

Ugh, of course I will.  Here I was getting so frustrated and she only wanted to be closer to me.  I've got to get better patience with the children.  In fact, they are teaching me more now than I could ever imagine.  

renewed focus

Today has been about trying to get back to normal.  

Yesterday, we got home in the morning - the drive back went fine.  We were all exhausted so took it easy.  I refused to go to the grocery store and do much at all.  Football was on the TV and it was nice and relaxing!  

I started work this morning and while still a little foggy, I made a vow to myself to start to focus on me a little more.  I can't be good for anyone else if I am not good for myself.  I gained several pounds this weekend - tipping the scales at 245 last night.  I have to get my eating under control, a new exercise routine down, boundaries with the children, and my head back into work.  I can do it!  This weekend feels like it was a new start in healing.  As I told Adrienne, the entire weekend felt like it put a stitch into my healing heart, which I am so thankful for.

I am still pretty insecure.  I had texted Adrienne Saturday night and again last night and hadn't heard anything.  We kept in touch well over the weekend.  I was so worried she was upset with us.  What had we broken?  What did we not clean?  Are they second guessing themselves to allow us to use their home? 

I took a moment to call her and I am so thankful I did.  Bill actually went up last night and said that the house had never been more clean.  Was so impressed that everything was perfect.  Even went on to say that we could come and stay anytime.  Of course, I am not taking advantage of it, but it was so nice to hear that they were pleased.  What Adrienne reiterated several times was that they were so happy that we found a little peace and comfort in our time together at their home.  What a blessing.

As I get ready for bed, I am exhausted.  I haven't done much physically at all, but mentally, I am tired.  I can't wait to get back into the swing of things at work.  This will help me feel more secure, too.  All is well.

happy birthday, rick!

I think we all woke up a little sad.  That is okay.  That is normal.  We all knew in the back of our minds that such a big piece was missing and it was his day today.  We would celebrate him regardless.

I tried to take it all in this morning.  It was funny to just observe.  I could hear the kids counting, playing hide and seek.  I tried to listen intently so I knew if furniture was being moved or if I needed to intervene.  Dad was intently watching Facebook videos on his phone.  He'd find one he liked and tell me to look.  Stupid stuff.  Why would I care to look at that?  Jacob was in his 18th minute of trying to find something to watch on TV.  They had a million apps to choose from and he spent more time perusing than actually watching.  Poor mom, she started the bacon for breakfast and literally spent about 3.5 minutes staring at the oven timer and counting something on her fingers.  It made me snicker inside.  I should have gone and helped her out, but I just watched and giggled to myself.  I wondered if she would ever figure out what she was doing.  Eventually she did.  Sarah and Paul were getting ready for the day, I guess.  I was sitting at the table, taking it all in, waiting for other adults ready to throw some dice.

I remembered mid-day that my friend was supposed to come and clean our house today.  I hadn't confirmed, hadn't left money, hadn't told her where some new cleaning supplies were.  I texted her to let her know that she didn't have to go because I didn't communicate, but that didn't matter.  She responded that she was there and halfway done - ugh, she's amazing.

I had no intention of baking a cake today.  I told Mom and Dad that if they wanted to do a cake, to buy one when they went to Waynesboro yesterday.  They came home with cake mix.  Really?  Yes, I am the family baker but I didn't feel like baking here.  Sarah took it on with delight, asking the kids to help with each step.  It was really nice to watch them do all of the baking, icing, decorating, etc.  It is amazing how Adrienne and Bill have furnished this home with absolutely everything we could have imagined.  They had it all!  I helped Renn make a sign that said Happy Birthday, Dad.  He enjoyed doing that.  

We took a pause from everything and sang Happy Birthday.  The kids loved the cake and ice cream and while we were all a little sad that Ricky wasn't with us, it felt like he would burst into the door anytime and join the party.  

Dad, Sarah and I took the kids out again to sled in the yard.  I have truly never seen snow so packed that you could walk on it without your feet sinking to the ground.  This was the real deal.  The kids loved going down the bank on their bottom and then sledding on an almost flat area in the side yard.  It doesn't get much better than that.  We broke one of the sleds at the house, so I felt awful.  I told Adrienne about it, along with news about a coaster that was now broken, missing one corner.  She responded that she broke the coaster and that the sled was already half broken that they weren't at all concerned about any of that.  Thank goodness!  That definitely put my mind at ease.

Considering we are leaving tomorrow, Sarah and I have been doing laundry, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, etc. so that the morning isn't too stressful.  We aren't even going to have breakfast here - just get up, finish cleaning and hit the road.  In between cleaning and watching the football games, we got some cards and dice in, too.  This is what I enjoy so very much!  I don't even care about losing, it is just so much fun!  Gregory and I played solitaire this morning and all of us played Yahtzee this afternoon.  Always fun letting kids get in on the gaming, too.

I'll head to bed in a little bit, beyond thankful for this time together.  It is bittersweet, for sure, but we couldn't have asked for a better weekend away.  Hopefully we will make it down the mountain tomorrow just fine.

what a day!

We have had a wonderful day!  It started a little shaky, but everything has fallen into place.

Apparently Mom didn't sleep at all last night - she forgot her medicines.  I figured dad would have to drive back to Heathsville to grab them, but we put a plan in place, waited for CVS to open, and everything worked out better than I ever could have imagined.

Sarah and I took the kids for a walk - it was freezing, but it was worth it.  In the cul-de-sac across the street, we could see the actual resort part of Wintergreen.  Wow - I had no idea how vast this place was.  Sally, our neighbor at home also has a house here and invited us to come over and play this morning.  I didn't think we would be able to make it with our tubing time, but we did.  Their house is perfect, too!  Much more relaxed and child friendly.  They have had their home almost 20 years, raising their kids there and now their grandchildren.  Our kids had a blast playing there.

Jacob had lunch ready for the kids and then we set off to go tubing.  I had no idea where to park so we found a place and went to the ticket booth.  The guy there stated that tubing was down the hill.  No worries, until we realized it was about a 15 minute walk down the hill -  had to be almost a mile.  All I could think is that this would be fun walking back up after 1.25 hours of tubing with three tired children.  Oh well.

The kids were so excited.  Jacob went down with the boys and I went down with Meade - our tubes tied together.  It was frightening!  I was screaming the whole time - with Meade connected behind me.  My bottom kept hitting and it hurt like hell!  We were going so fast, I was sure that we were going to jump lanes and end up a bloody mess with another tuber.  When we stopped, I couldn't stop laughing with a permanent smile on my face.  I fell several times trying to get Meade and both tubes over the other lanes to make our way back up to the conveyer belt.  Even though it was scary, it was fun.  I really didn't want to go again, though.  

Meade and I fell a few times trying to maneuver the two tubes on the conveyer belt - no big deal though.  When I made it back up, I asked the people working if she was allowed to go by herself and they said absolutely!  I was done!  Jacob had the same butt issues as me and he wasn't interested in going anymore either.  We put the children down their second ride alone and they did great!  There were helpers at the bottom that would go grab Meade to get her over the lanes, but otherwise, they were pretty self sufficient.

When I realized that they were doing well on their own, I told Jacob I was going to walk up to get the car.  I needed some alone time, could use the exercise, and didn't want to navigate the trek up with the tired children.  I made it up the never-ending flight of stairs.  It reminded me of the steps going from Godwin to DHall at JMU - pure misery.  When I got up that, I went to the ticket desk and asked about the shuttle.  She called them and said they would arrive in 10-15 minutes.  Yep, I'll stand there and wait.  

When I got to the car and drove down to where the tubing was, I watched the children from the overlook deck.  Once their time was up, we were ready to get in the car and head home.  It worked out perfectly.  We were all pretty tired, but were excited to tell the rest of the family about the adventures!

Sally and Dave stopped by to visit with us.  They probably stayed for an hour and it was really nice.  Sarah tried to keep the children occupied so we could sit and chat and it worked.  Dave was an engineer with Dominion so he and dad hit it off.  Sally grew up a few miles from Mom and they both went to VT, so there was a lot in common.  It was a really nice visit.

The rest of the evening was much like any other when we are together as a family.  Bath and supper routine was normal.  Jacob watched TV.  Mom went to bed early because she didn't get any sleep last night.  Sarah, Dad and I played dice.  Then, Paul came over and we played rummy.  I had forgotten how much fun that was!  

As I get ready for bed myself, I feel like I need to pinch myself.  I can't imagine a better time for our family right now.  

why are we so lucky?

We made it to Wintergreen this morning.  The roads weren't too bad, but the fog on the mountain made it seem like we were driving in late at night.  As we walked in and started to unpack, I got super nervous.  This house, better yet home, is gorgeous.  Too nice, especially with children running around!  Everything was decorated to a tee.  Just perfectly beautiful.  How was I going to keep the kids from breaking everything?

So far, so good.  We've made it the first several hours without any mishaps.  I have taken pictures of things and moved them so the children aren't tempted to mess with them and/or so that accidents are less likely.  As soon as my parents arrived with Renn, I sat all three children down and let them know that this was a very special place and we couldn't be running, jumping, yelling, etc.  There are tons of things to do and we will make the most of it but they have to respect this home, more than they have anywhere else before.  As I go to bed, I realize I yelled a ton, but nothing was broken.  I threatened to spank on many occasions, when I saw kids jumping from chair to chair, messing with the fireplaces, playing hide and seek behind beds, etc.  All normal kid stuff, but things that are not okay in someone else's home.

We had a nice supper of salads with grilled chicken.  No one even made a stink about how "blackened" the chicken was.  It was pretty dry!  I grilled last night when we got home from dance and there were so many things I was working on that it may have been on the grill a little too long.  Oops.  Oh well.  There were no complaints - everyone was very kind.  We have thrown a lot of dice - just our normal selves but in a new environment.  One that is gorgeous.  All of the windows look out over a valley of farm land and a few homes.  It is breathtaking.  There is even a telescope where we can explore a little more closely.

I am so appreciative of this time together and look forward to tomorrow as we take the children tubing and just have fun.  I sure does pay to have such kind friends that offered their home to us!

last minute changes

We are supposed to leave tomorrow evening to go to Wintergreen to a house that Adrienne and Bill have gifted us for the weekend.  Their second home that they insist we use to celebrate Ricky.  A gesture of its own that cannot be matched.  There's a snowstorm coming, though.  Will we be able to get up the mountain after work tomorrow?  Who knows?

At the last minute, I told Jacob to see if he could get off work tomorrow so we can leave early instead.  I also asked my leadership if they minded that we were on the road a little in the morning and I would be online the remainder of the day once we got up there.  No worries for either of us, thankfully.  However, this puts a wrench into my planning as I have a lot more to prep and get done before we leave, while trying to work and do the daily grind.  

I am up late trying to get it all done, but feel that we will be ready to go in the morning.  Thank goodness my parents were here with Meade today and were able to help me.  They went to the grocery store for me and kept Meade occupied so I could work.  Once the workday was over, we had our normal Wednesday evening routine, but I was able to pack and get everything together in between it all.  We are so looking forward to some time away!

back to the grind

Today was my first day back at work.  I have a couple thousand emails to go through so I focused on that for the most part.  I joined a few team meetings and tried to immerse myself back into the world of Responsible Artificial Intelligence.  My brain is foggy, but I am doing my best.  Everyone was so nice and respects the fact that I will need some time to dig out.  Me, though, I need to start making contributions again, as soon as possible, for my own wellbeing.  

This week is interesting - yesterday was the MLK holiday so the kids were home and Jacob and I were off.  He had to go into work for a few minutes and assess the snow/ice situation, but we were home with one another most of the day, trying to take it easy, knowing that routines would be established again tomorrow - thank God!

It is going to be an even shorter week because I am off Friday to go to the mountains to celebrate Ricky's 40th birthday with the family. 

Many times throughout the day I felt lost.  Didn't know what others were talking about or how I used to be well versed in everything work.  Will I ever get back to my old self and be able to make an impact again?  I sure hope so!

cousin love

I asked my cousin Christopher's wife if she wanted to listen to my recording with JMarie (the medium).  Of course she did and she provided me this feedback, which I think is important.  She pointed out two things.

She thought that when JMarie asked if there was a delay in finding Ricky's body, to which I responded that my parents had found him several hours after passed.  It's possible that Ricky was acknowledging that I am upset for feeling that the rest of our hometown knew of his death before I did.  More than likely, Ricky is hinting to me how stupid it is that I think that because it doesn't matter, but that he's glad he didn't ruin my entire birthday.  Who knows.  The more I think about it, I can hear Ricky calling me a dumbass.

Second, she loved that the medium said Kate before even asking about other siblings on the spirit side.  Of course, Katie.  Another way to know there's got to be something to this lady.  I've believed in her for years and I think I am valid.

more snow?

Here we go again!  At least we have already planned to have the children out for the holiday tomorrow.  Snow is not my favorite.  As it falls hard, I hope the kids will go back to school Tuesday as I start work.  Unfortunately, due to the snow, I had to cancel Bethany's visit.  I wanted nothing more than to see her and Henry this morning, but it doesn't make sense for anyone to be on the road.  Maybe another day in the near future we can plan a visit.

In the meantime, the kids are bugging the heck out of me to go out in the snow.  They don't understand that it is supposed to turn to ice and rain very soon - it won't be that great to play in.  I am content going from the couch to the dining room table, listening to the radio/football and just being lazy!

double breakfast

I try not to eat breakfast.  I seem to be able to lose weight more I learned a couple of weeks ago, which was then pointed out as intermittent fasting.  Well, that was thwarted today, for all the best reasons!  

My neighbor, Sally, who has become a Godsend to our family asked to take me to lunch.  Instead, we made it breakfast because she had to speak at a funeral this afternoon.  So, we headed to Marty's.  It was such a nice time together.  We spoke about everything - especially about profound loss as they lost a son almost 30 years ago.  It is hard to explain how I feel about Sally because she really has gone above and beyond for us - we've only known her for a few months since moving.  In addition to just being wonderful, she and her family also have a home in Wintergreen, very close to where we are staying next weekend.  I can't wait to spend more time with them up there!

Late last night, Kristi texted to see if I could do a meal out.  I checked with Jacob and since I already had breakfast set, I told her I could do lunch.  I went ahead texted her when I got back from Sally and off we went.  So, a second breakfast at the Bell Cafe was had.  Both delicious and Jacob got tons of leftovers from both places!

I got home at about 1230 and immediately put pajama pants on for the rest of the day.  Lovely.  A nap and some puzzling - it doesn't get much better.  Plus, Kristi came over to puzzle with me after supper.  I am beyond thankful for today and the rest that I got, in addition to the special time with special people.

heartbroken open

Yesterday, one of Nana's best friends, who has become a light in my life was texting to check in.  She sent over a pod cast to listen to.  It is a pod cast that is from someone at her church, but this was a bonus episode with a guest speaker - Kristine Carlson.  I knew the name sounded familiar, but I didn't figure it out until I set out for a walk today to just listen and take it all in.  The episode is entitled "Finding Joy in the Journey through Widowhood and Loss."  While my situation is very different, the talk spoke to me clearly.  It was so enlightening.  

As I listened, I realized that Kristine's loss was her husband, Richard Carlson, who has written the books "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff."  In 2021, I had a desk calendar with tips each day specifically from that book.  In fact, the calendar still sits on my desk with the Friday still showing before my world got rocked.  I haven't found it in me yet, to start going through the days thereafter.

The twenty some minutes was what I needed to hear.  Kristine explains things to make them relatable.  What helped me was hearing her say that when death occurs, every bit of walls we had around our heart are shattered. This makes us extremely vulnerable, or insecure.  In other words, she mentions that we are now "heartbroken open."  Even though my world is in deep despair, the loss has actually broken my heart, allowing it to be open to more joy and peace.  I never thought of it like this.  While it is still difficult, I do find this to be true.  Plus, she has a whole book on the subject, which I've already ordered from Amazon.  I feel like I am in the middle of reading three different self help books right now, but I think I may need to focus on this book since the message of the podcast spoke to me so clearly.

In other news, I went to the dentist this morning.  I have had three cavities in my life - my whole life!  Today, they saw two that need to be filled in addition to two more that are on that horizon.  Lovely!  This is what happens when all normalcy and structure is lost.  My second cavity came when I was on maternity leave with Gregory.  More to look forward to - fillings!

busy busy

Thank goodness for Nana - she took Meade for several hours today so that I could get things done around the house, without my shadow.  Today is my mom's birthday, which is a little bittersweet.  She didn't want to celebrate at all, which makes me sad.  Although, I get it.  I totally understand.  I am not sure I will ever want to acknowledge my birthday ever again.  

My friend Adrienne stopped by for lunch and to grab a bunch of old toys/books that we were ready to donate.  Now, they will go to her grandson (and hopefully many more grandchildren).  So many of those items were nostalgic and never made the donation bin previously, but since I know where they are going, I was happy to pass them along.  I picked up salads from Giovanni's and they were delicious.  We exchanged small Christmas gifts.  Just being in her presence is always a gift to me.  She gives the best hugs and always enjoy my time with her.

Adrienne had to leave so that I could have my therapy session.  The first of the new year.  When people ask me about counseling, I say it is fine.  I am thinking that maybe I haven't yet found the right person.  I think she is likely helping, but what do I know.  I think I may get more out of walking the neighborhood with the retired ladies in the morning.  I did that the other day and boy was it fun, despite the freezing weather.  Even though we scheduled a next session, I may hold off and see how I am doing in a month or two to see if I should find someone new or explore other ways to work on my emotional well being.  I do feel a teeny bit stronger each day.

Nana brought Meade back in time to get Gregory off the bus and then prepare for our Wednesday night activities.  With the uptick in COVID cases, I opted to spend the 45 minutes in the car trying to go through some work emails so I am not so inundated when I head back next week.  It's always crazy 'round here!

watchin' henry

You know what brings me joy?  Watching videos of little Makenna as she grows.  More than watching Henry, it is so heartwarming to see the three of them together.  I helped to create that family.  Their love for each other is so vast and beyond obvious to anyone that encounters them.  There was a video of Phillip singing you are my sunshine to her and she was enamored with him, as she should be.  Another video was bathtime.  She was so happy and content.  It was funny to hear Phillip say to wash in between all the rolls - I imagine they have never had to do that before. ;)

Other videos of her growing, smiling, and being the absolute joy of their lives is what makes me happy.  I am working hard to let the fog release and allow sunshine back into my heart.  This little gal, my sweet Henry, is helping to make that happen - thanks to her wonderful parents.  

Oh Henry, I love you so.

school!

I don't think I have ever been so excited to send the children back to school.  Winter break is enough in itself.  An extra week is misery.  Plus snow, I am done.  I went for a 3 mile walk and then decided to start tackling items on the to do list.  Errands, organizing, everything that I haven't done for the last few weeks with children screaming for me at all waking hours.  I had finally gotten enough done to feel accomplished and thought I would take a bath.  Not five minutes in, the school called.

Well, fuck.  I didn't answer.  Maybe they will call Jacob instead?  I am in the bathtub for goodness sake.  It took every ounce in me to start washing up to get dressed and likely head to the school.  Of course.  Meade was complaining when she was peeing and was peeing quite often.  The nurse thought that maybe she has a UTI.  Little did she know that Meade has some extreme chaffing down there since she had so many accidents this weekend.  I have no idea what it is, but sporadically, she will pee in her pants several times a day for days on end.  It makes no sense.  When she has to go, it is always urgent.

I got to school 16 minutes after that call came in while I was in the bathtub.  Ugh.  I got an appointment and told Jacob he had to take her.  Once, my frustrating subsided, I realized that I should take her.  Jacob's championship game is tonight and it made more sense for me to ask questions rather than get pissed off at Jacob for him not asking the right things. 

The initial urine analysis came back fine.  They are sending it off for a culture and if that also comes back negative, we will consult a urologist.

Maybe tomorrow I can have a full school day to myself?  I sure hope so!  

a final offer

I don't know why this has been weighing on my heart recently.  When I dig deep, I think that maybe I want to relive all of this without awful grief just at the climax.  This morning, I knew I had to let Bethany and Phillip know that I am willing to try again if they wanted more children.  That said, we all know I am getting older and if it was there wish, we might want to start again sooner rather than later.  

God kept nudging me on my way home from mom and dad's.  I knew it wouldn't be appropriate for a text nor would I know what to say, plus I was driving.  Thus, I left a blubbering message for Bethany with these crazy thoughts.  I think they are content with Makenna, but you never know where someone else's heart lies.  

Bethany attempted to call back, but texted the sweetest message.  She and Phillip are beyond in love and are not thinking about additional children.  On one hand, I was relieved. On the other, I wanted new purpose.  I wanted that itch to make the right decisions to lose weight again.  Overall, though, I have always wanted them to be a family and that they are.   

This may say final, but if they were to change their minds and I was still at an age where it could be done, I am up for the challenge.  (Don't tell Jacob)

last minute trip

Last night, at Meade's dance class, I was an inch away from losing it.  We got the call that schools would be CLOSED again tomorrow.  Not just a delay, but closed.  I understand that some individuals in the county were still out of power, digging out of snow, and clearing fallen trees.  I know that buses are affected.  But how can I keep going?  I am not meant to be a stay at home mom and when Jacob has to work, I should be able to, too.  

This week has been rough keeping them entertained.  The few minutes I try to steal by my lonesome, are interrupted by screams of Mama or a little girl that must be touching me at all times.  I know, one day I will wish these days returned.  For now, I am over it.  I want to go back to work.  To an office.  Without kids.  Without a house that is never clean.  Without chores staring me in the face. 

Since school is closed today and the fact that there is more questionable weather coming through overnight, I made a last minute decision to take the kids to my parents.  I needed help.  I needed a little break here and there.  I knew they could make it happen.  Even if school is on tomorrow, so be it.  My kids will be absent.  

On the road, Bethany gave me a ring (I had asked her to if she was available).  We had a great conversation about many things.  The entire time, Makenna was cooing in the background.  For the first time in weeks, "my sweet little Henry" blurted out of my mouth.  I had forgotten I was going to call her Henry, but from now on, Henry it is.  From what Bethany said, she was full of smiles when she would hear my voice. Oh that does this heart good!

It has been a pretty easy day since getting to the river.  Meade and I went with dad to town.  He wanted me to go to the jewelry store to pick out a new diamond ring for my mom.  This excited me.  Since I am going to inherit it one day, hopefully a very long time from now, why not provide input on what I would like.  That was fun.  I had to bribe Meade with a flamingo necklace that will be ordered via Prime should she keep the jewelry store a secret.  I'm not sure she's a safe bet.

I am so thankful for my mom and dad.  For having a second home with them.  For being theirs.

good riddance?

I am so on the fence about this past year.  Should I be distraught over the unexpected and awful loss of Ricky or should I remember the difficult times we got through and the birth of sweet Makenna?  There was so much wonderful in the last year, but I have a hard time seeing through the fog to recognize them.  

We headed down to my parents Thursday after a nice visit with Skeeter.  The kids and I figured some time down there would do us good and Jacob could desperately use some alone time.  I wish I could have gone fishing, but I am glad I didn't!  My dad, uncle, and cousin were out on the water from 8am to almost 5pm.  I would have been freezing and we definitely wouldn't have made it with a kid on board!  It was nice to see them bring in some rockfish, finally!

My aunt drove down to also be with us and spend the new year together.  She and my uncle stayed the night.  I didn't make it to midnight - who does anymore?  

The plan was to come home yesterday, but we decided to stay an extra day.  The kids go back to school Monday - so they say.  The weather isn't looking good.  Yesterday morning, we all loaded up in Uncle Shug's big tahoe and scoped out three different properties.  They are looking to get a second home closer to the bay.  It was cool and I couldn't help but dream of the possibilities of them being closer while we are at Mom and Dad's too.  

2021 was crazy.  I pray for a smoother 2022 that's for sure.  I also pray to keep in mind all of the wonderful we had last year, despite losing one of my best friends.