a lifetime of thanks

There's no other place I'd rather be right now.  I am with the perfect people, doing what we were meant to do in this life.  I know I have said it over and over, but the gratitude I have for everything in my life right now explodes out of me.  I could never be in this position without this journey helping me to figure it all out.

Thursday was beautiful.  Some of Jacob's family and some of my family came together for a great supper and time with one another.  The kids were so excited for cousin time and my aunts gave in and played many rounds of hungry, hungry hippo.  I still have the winning song in my head! 

Friday, Bethany and Phillip met us at the gym to work out.  It was really nice to be together and have quality time with one another that didn't involve food or drinks and we still were accomplishing part of what we set out to do.  We then headed home and continued to chat (as much as possible with the kids running around). 

Bethany asked me a question that I had never really considered.  She said, what if it doesn't work the first time?  The shared risk program allows up to six cycles.  Well, I haven't thought of it because the end result here is a baby.  We will do everything in our power to bring a baby home, if it means six cycles.  I am game.  I think that it will be really difficult, but we are committed and if we stopped after trying with no success, we aren't giving the process justice.  That said, Bethany was really sweet and through tears she said that if we were ever to change our minds, they would understand.  One thing about this entire path is that so often we reassure each other that there are many IFs throughout it all.  And should there ever be an IF of proceeding on either side, we will respect the others, no questions asked.  Takes me back to that first email I received from Christen, about IF something didn't work out or IF we changed our mind.  I think I have said this before, too, but it is no longer an IF, but a when.  Should when be further down the road that we hope, that is okay and God will surely be testing my patience, but it will be a test I will pass with flying colors!

WiW

Well, today is Weigh in Wednesday again.  I am so estatic that I have to share with the world that I lost another 4 pounds!  This brings me to 210 and 20 away from the transfer goal!  So emotional, so proud, so excited! 

Now, let's just hope that with the impending holiday, I don't manage to gain any back this coming week!

the ugly

So, this "journal" is about keeping it real, right?  That means the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I try to stay so very positive throughout everything but today was difficult.  In a good way.  Just beware, there is some TMI in here, so read at your own risk. ;)

I had prepped everything to a T for today's IUD removal.  I was going to take four motrin and half a xanax before I went in.  I got everything taken care of for work and was headed to the post office before my appointment.  I quickly remembered I didn't take the medicine and of course do not keep my xanax with me.  Whatever, I will get through it.  I did pop the four motrin.  In line at the post office, Jacob texted to say his school was on lock down for an active shooter (thank God that there was no shooter, but they had to treat it as such because it was called in to the police).  So, before even getting to my appointment, my nerves were shot.

Parking.  Ugh, parking at VCU is the worst, but I knew that before going in.  It took me 15 minutes just to get through the deck to find an open spot!  So, I literally walked into the clinic with 1 minute to spare and paperwork to do.  Dr. C's nurse was as sweet as she could be.  I had had my prior IUD removed, so it wasn't going to be a big deal, I'm a big girl!

Dr. C is the sweetest ever, I mean, I wish I could be her friend.  When she saw me she lit up like I had never seen.  She was so proud of my weight loss and is so invested in this journey with us!  Time for the procedure.  Of course, there will be pressure and cramping.  I took the deep breaths like she asked.  It hurt like hell, she was tugging, but to no avail.  She said she was taking a break, so I tried to relax for a second.  She asked the nurse for another tool.  Same story here, same result.  Lots of heavy breathing (or really none at all) until she asked the nurse for something else.  I quickly said is this a break?  Can I relax for a minute?  She laughed and apologized. 

We keep going with the new tool.  It hurts like hell and the damn thing is not budging.  Another tool we try.  Another attempt failed.  Shit, stop, oh, wait, shit, real shit.  I kind of jokingly said Dr. C, if I poot on you I am really sorry.  In my mind, I thought I was going to shit all over her, but didn't have the gumption to say that.  I think at that point she realized I didn't know if I could handle much more and said yes, the cramps are not just in the normal spots, but also in my bowels.  Of course if I poot that is fine and she giggled.  Yeah, well, there may be some substance lady and you are not in your scrubs today! 

So, she took a moments break and asked for another tool.  She said she was going to have to dilate my cervix a little bit to get it done.  Man oh man, that hurt worse.  Would the xanax have made me feel better, YES, I am such an idiot to have forgotten it.  So, she starts dilating and it hurts like a bitch.  She gets another tool and finally, finally, that little damn peice of plastic made its exit.  Shew, I could breath again.  We all laughed a little.  I thanked God I didn't shit all over the place.  Dr. C and I hugged and we went on our way.

I know in my heart there will be a lot more physical pain to endure, but I am up for that challenge.  Everything is going to be just fine!  I am glad I got a before picture, y'all.  The after was not as glamorous!  So, I am not sure exactly who this person is, but I am getting to know her, love her, and cherish her. 

"I think that pain gives us appreciation of joy - it's a package deal.  And I definitely think that the joys of life far outweigh the pain." ~ Frederick Lenz

a big day

Today is a big day.  I have an appointment with OBGYN to get my IUD removed.  I have not seen her since I had my annual appointment in August and asked her if surrogacy was something I could consider.  I am not sure she believed me when I asked her, but shit is getting real.  After my appointment in August, my doctor moved from the practice where I have been going to her for 10 years to VCU to also teach.  So, this will be a new facility - I am sure that parking will be lovely - but I do get to see Dr. C and meet her nurse that has helped me a few times over the phone.  I couldn't be more excited to get the ball rolling a little faster!

For the first time of this journey, it seems as though Dr. Nair's clinical coordinator is starting to drive things.  I feel like they believe we are in for the long haul, too.  The fact that she asked us when we wanted to do more testing is huge to me.  I have been driving all of the correspondence (and likely driving them nuts), but I suppose they can see that through the weight loss progress and my desire to get my ducks in a row, this is real. 

I had a little bit of a breakdown this morning.  A rush of emotions came over me while I was on the treadmill getting three miles in.  The tears wouldn't stop coming.  All of this is getting real.  My life has never been so perfect.  I have never had so much peace and gratitude in my heart.  I am thankful for all that have allowed me to share this journey and have given their support.  I honestly never knew life could be so wonderful.  It sounds so cliche, but it is true.  Finally, after letting the tears flow for a minute, I put my big girl pants back on, grabbed some extra water and got back to walking.  It felt good to have that cry, though.  It really reinforces my faith throughout all of this.  None of these words can do my heart justice.  There is nothing to describe what I am feeling, but it is right.

"You will never find peace of mind until you listen to your heart."  ~ George Michael

a hurdle tackled

When I thought the news about the VCU finances was the best news ever, little did I know that even better information would be received today. Because I am so persistent, I reached out to SGF to ask if Dr. Nair had the opportunity to review the HSG yet. 

Note, I am off work today so I came back to my phone after shampooing carpets to see that I had missed a call from Bethany and an amazing text! We finally got word from Shady Grove that regardless of my HSG test and the state of my fallopian tubes I am still a candidate for the shared risk program. There really couldn't be better news right now! Of course, the waiting was the worst. The not knowing. Questioning everything. Goodness - I have got to get better at that and just have more faith! 

That said, we are not out of the woods. There are still many other tests we must have in order to be ultimately determined a viable candidate for that program. That’s okay! One step at a time.
I had absolutely no idea that this news would bring me such joy and such emotion. I have called a few people who are aware of this just to inform them and let them know we are still in the game. The race continues and I continue to move forward with persistence and perseverance (I know Dr. Nair's clinical coordinator is so sick of me). 

 
Something else that was really awesome was that Dr. Nair's clinical coordinator asked me if I wanted to continue to get more testing done or if I wanted to lose more weight first. Just so you understand, I was told previously that no testing could be done until I was at or below 200 pounds and that the transfer cannot take place until 190 pounds. At my weigh in yesterday I am at 214. The fact that they are offering the option of doing some testing prior to the weight loss parameters I was given back in September is another huge win! 

Maybe it is possible that they would be willing to do the transfer before 190 pounds? We aren't going to broach that subject yet, but keep the game plan going strong. Everything remains to be seen and that is okay. At least I have to keep telling myself that because I’m in for the long-haul and no decision will be made in the immediate future. Dr. Nair did ask that I get my IUD removed and from there we will learn more about when the next testing can be done. I have scheduled an appointment with my OB/GYN for this coming Monday to get my IUD removed. We are on the right track and we will get this done!

What a wonderful day - many house things were accomplished, I walked a nature trail at home (West Point) that I literally have probably not stepped foot on in 25 years, I took my grandfather to lunch, had a great conversation about an event I helped with last week, and ended the day with my sweet Ms. Clare. Life doesn't get much better, but I know it will. As the bracelet says, we will "keep fucking going."

my worst enemy

My own mind is for sure my worst enemy!  I have known this for quite some time and as much as I work to overcome it, I am not sure the devil will ever leave completely.

Over the last few days a lot has been going on. I have been nervous to receive an answer from Shady Grove to see if I am still a candidate for the shared risk program due to my one fallopian tubes being closed. On the other hand I really really really loved the care and the care team at VCU. I spoke with the business manager at VCU and she walked me through all of the financial obligations of IVF there. When all was said and done frankly it is a little cheaper to go to VCU versus Shady Grove. I wrote it all up in an email sent it to Bethany and thought it was the best news ever.

When Bethany finally read it she sent me something back to say that due to financial issues which she didn’t want to get into over a text message, she would have to really think about it but she and Phillip do not think that VCU is a viable option. It was late at night and I tried not to stress. I had a million things running through my mind.

What if this is the end of the journey? What if they decide to go another route? What if I’m not good enough? I literally stewed all night long trying to figure out what was going on. I didn’t know what to think but in the back of my mind I still knew this was going to be okay. If for some reason they were ready to throw in the towel, because it is such a difficult process, how would my heart feel? I am so invested in this that I believe I would have to find another family to help. There are so many wonderful things coming out of all of this and I am not willing to let it go by the wayside should they not want to proceed.

On the other hand I was thinking maybe just maybe Shady Grove decided that they would reduce the costs or put in a good word for grants which would make it more make more sense to go with them. I had no idea. The next morning I went ahead and let Bethany know that I was really struggling to know what was going on. I’m the most fucking impatient person you will ever meet but what kills me more is not knowing.

Bethany was so kind and willing to chat with me early this morning to which she basically said that the financial decisions are all about the shared risk program. Even if at the end of the day VCU is a little bit cheaper, VCU does not have any type of shared risk program. So, if they spent $40,000 at VCU and something didn’t work out they would still be out $40,000. Whereas if they spent 50,000 was Shady Grove and something didn’t work out they would be able to receive$35,000 of that back.  Having that could be used toward adoption options.

This absolutely makes sense and it eased my mind so much. I get it and while Shady Grove has been somewhat difficult I understand the need to be there. I felt immediately better speaking to Bethany and just knowing where they were in this process. From day one we have both said that transparency and communication will be most important. I am so thankful that we are walking side-by-side and we are absolutely candid with one another. So after much struggling and stewing because my mind is my worst enemy - all is well.

We still wait word from Shady Grove to see if I can be a candidate for the shared risk program knowing about my closed fallopian tube. Again I can’t see why this would be a showstopper for shared risk because there’s no need for fallopian tubes when an embryo is implanted into the uterus. We shall see!

This journey is so difficult but I know at the end of the day it will be more than worth it. I just have to keep the faith and not read into things and allow Bethany and Philip to make the most informed decisions they can. I am along for the ride and trust that they will do what’s right and I will follow.

What happens if I don't qualify for shared risk?  Then that is a decision that Bethany and Philip will have to tackle when that decision is made known. At that point it is possible we could go through VCU you but I don’t care where we go. I want Bethany and Philip to have a baby. go to the moon, I’m willing to do it because I think it is right.

happiness

I feel like I could write about joy and contentment forever.  That said, I started writing a book earlier this year on kind leadership.  Well, that has taken a step back for this blog and this journey, but I did want to reflect on some of what I had already written.  Funny enough, an excerpt was even taken from an "autobiography" I wrote back in high school:

As a tenth grader, I understood the meaning of life, but didn’t get who has the ability to choose what really matters:

Above all things that I wish and hope for, I just want my life to be a success…I want to be happy in everything I do.  I want my life to be pleasurable which is something that I value also.  In whatever I may do, I just ask the Lord for happiness.        

One of the biggest controls we have on our own is the power to make decisions.  Our choices influence everything about us.  I learned long ago that my own personal contentment is a decision within.  Struggling with anxiety and depression for most of my adult life, I determined several years ago that my own happiness lies with my personal choice to be happy.  Of course, medicine can and has helped, but the mental struggles are much easier approached when I make the conscious effort to overcome regardless of what life throws my way.

Another thing that has truly changed my life for the better is working to be more mindful in everything I do.  It helps me stay calm when I want to scream and yell.  It helps me remember that the small things don't always matter.  Being mindful helps me to put things in perspective.  It helps me take a step back and think about the big picture, not always the bumps along the way.  It helps me create better and more meaningful relationships.  It helps me see the beauty around me even though I always seem to be in a rush. 

I have such a long way to go, but I have come pretty far over the last year or so.  For that, I am thankful.  Most importantly, I am happy. 

no more ifs

I have reflected so much over the last few days.  Even though my faith has been super strong through all of this, I just didn't know if it could be done.  My mindset has totally changed at this point.  It is no longer a thought of "if" we can do this.  It is a matter of "when" will it happen.  I have never felt so sure about anything in my life.  I am so appreciative to Bethany and Phillip for taking a chance on me and believing in me and this journey.

I have started getting pretty emotional as of late, too.  When I speak about this concept, my heart is filled with with everything I never could have imagined.  I feel as if I have found my bigger purpose in this life and to be quite frank, I have never been so content with myself, ever.

I think this joy and happiness comes from many many things, but I attribute a lot of it to this race.  There is no sprinting, there are lots of obstacles, and it is more like a cross country race that goes on for miles and miles.  Maybe like putting hurdles in a cross country race?  Kind of silly, but pretty fitting.

It is amazing what greater faith and a solid plan B can do!

back to school

Today I felt as if I was back in school.  Not really, but I was learning, prepping, and getting tested.  Totally not the same as a school environment, but all of this is related to this journey and when I put it all together, although the items are unrelated, it seemed like I should be in school.

First, I attended a webinar held by Shady Grove.  It was a really good overview of IVF, what it entails, and what to expect.  I learned some things that I had not previously learned through Bethany, Dr. Nair, or individual research.  It was interactive enough to even ask questions.  I asked two because they had been puzzling me a little.  For your reading pleasure:

1. Can an embryo still split after transfer?  Yes.  The likelihood is actually half a percent more (1.5%) to have identical twins via IVF than by conventional conception.  Of course, only one embryo will be transferred, but there still remains always the possibility of twins.
2. For intended parents looking into the 1 donor to three couple plan, are the intended parents aware of other interest within a single donor?  Yes.  As intended parents review egg donors, they are apprised of how many more intended couples are needed for a shared donor program.

Several others asked questions that helped me better understand items from different angles.  I was indifferent about going but am so very glad that I did!

I was able to learn so much more during my HSG test at VCU today.  First, it was a great experience.  The team there was so welcoming and beyond willing to share knowledge about the test and the IVF process, even though it is not our intention to use VCU for the transfer.  That said, here is what I learned about my body:

One of my fallopian tubes did not allow the contrast to flow through.  One worked perfectly normal and that was indicated on the x-rays.  Dr. Banks suggested many reasons why the one side may not have worked (it is possible that there was a current spasm that "closed" the tube for the time being or there could be a true blockage).  Regardless of this information, there should truly be no reason to disqualify me as a candidate because the tubes really aren't necessary for a transfer of an embryo.  I have reached out to our clinical coordinator at Shady Grove to see their perspective and also determine if this information would remove me as a candidate for their shared risk program.

While the results are not exactly what I was hoping to see, I was able to ascertain a lot more information.  If we chose to do the transfer at VCU, this would be a non-issue.  Additionally, if we opted for this Plan B (if necessary), I could technically transfer at the weight I am today.  While Bethany and Phillip are comfortable at SGF, it is not the end of this journey if we need to transfer this process to VCU.

I remain beyond optimistic about all of this.  Since Bethany and Phillip previously used SGF and initial research showed that VCU may be more expensive (due to the fact that SGF has their own egg donor program whereas VCU does not and the intended parents pay an egg bank for the eggs).  Since there is an option through those egg banks to receive frozen eggs, it seems as though the costs would actually be comparable.  

All in all, I am tired but thankful after a long day.  I still know I have found my purpose in life and fulfilling this dream is m current purpose that I hope to share.  Life is good.  The stars have aligned and I still feel really good about this - albeit a little overwhelmed by everything.  Thank you all for being there for us, reading, and offering your support, thoughts and prayers through it all.  We've got this!

first of many

Today is my first test that will determine if I can go to the next step.  Later today, I go to VCU to have a HSG (Hysterosalpingography).  In preparing a little, I have learned that the HSG test is one in which a tube is threaded through the cervix and contrast injected.  Then, a series of xrays are taken to outline the internal shape of the uterus and show whether or not the fallopian tubes are blocked.  This will also show if there is any scar tissue (from my previous two cesareans) that could prevent me from being a carrier.  As easy as it seems, it is complicated in that it can only be scheduled in a certain window after one's monthly cycle.  And, actually, I learned that I can take the test with the IUD in place.  That was a win for me.

I have been told that I should show up with 800mg of motrin in my system.  I think I may take a half of my anxiety pill, too, just in case.  The insertion and removal of the prior IUDs were no walk in the park so I can't imagine this will be either.  Regardless of the pain that may ensue and a little bit of nervous energy, I am really excited to get this part done and be told that my internal parts are perfect for a gestational carrier!

an overnight getaway

This past weekend, I had the pleasure of getting out of our routine, putting the kids in the car, and making a trip up to Baltimore to see some of my favorite cousins and great aunt.  While there was an episode and we were not able to visit my 95 year old aunt, we did have the most wonderful time.

I was able to steal 40 minutes to myself to go for a walk around my cousin's neighborhood to get some devoted exercise in, too, thanks to my parents.  About a half of a mile in, I really just wanted to go back to the house and take it easy.  I wanted to relax, even though walking allows me to ease my mind, I was just tired and wanted to quit.  Then, I came across this sign in one of the yards I walked by.  So fitting.  I didn't give up at that point and remembered the entire reason for being on this journey and my weight loss is a small part of it.  However, if it doesn't happen, we will be unable to proceed.

As more cousins gathered for some family time, I shared with them this experience and that while much is still unknown, my heart is all in and I have all the faith in the world that it will work out.  It was interesting to hear one of my cousins say that she was an egg donor in her twenties and she simply understood my desire.  I had never really looked at this from the donor's perspective and it is important to understand their role in this and that even though this baby will come from a generous donor, Bethany will always be this sweet thing's mama.  I really enjoy sharing all of this with those around me because it opens others' eyes to a world that is not often talked about.  I am lucky to have never experienced infertility, but I am finding such compassion for those that have walked these roads similar to Bethany and Phillip.

From the mouth of the actress that played my favorite character ever:

"Perseverance is failing 19 times and succeeding the 20th." - Julie Andrews

a day off

I have a lot of PTO to take before the end of the year, even with saving some for my short term disability bank, to be used during the quasi-maternity leave.  Thus, I was off today.  I decided I would spend time doing things for me!

Much of that time was spent focusing on exercise and catching up around the house.  I tried to get on the treadmill early, but my thigh muscle wasn't cooperating.  I only did 1 mile at the gym but knew I would have some time to walk outside and reflect later in the day and for who knows why, that doesn't seem to bother my thigh.

After dropping my car off to get recalls taken care of, I found a park I had never been to - Cold Harbor Battlefield.  There I froze my ass off, but walked two more miles on the winding trail through the woods.  I even picked up some pine cones when done to work on some crafts with the kids.

I ran some errands but didn't feel like I had exercised enough.  So, I set out to get a few more steps in and went to a trail really close by that I had done in the past, but had never gone to the end because it wasn't conducive with a stroller.  It was beautiful and I am so glad I made the time to get another 2.5 miles in before getting other stuff done at home and heading to see my special lady at Westminster Canterbury this evening.

As I have mentioned before, my time with Ms. Clare is so special and something I cherish every second of.  There was however an instance that really bothered me tonight.  I could hear a close table talking about us and it was obvious they weren't worried about anything, but literally talking just to be talking.  At one point one of the ladies even said she (meaning me) knows that they were talking about us.  'Tis true.  I couldn't figure it out but it made me so very angry.  I guess I haven't gotten over it yet, but I plan to.  I saw something on social media this week that really puts it all into perspective - see here.



I am not going to let those 90 seconds steal my thunder and ruin the time I am so lucky to share with Ms. Clare and everyone else around me.  It is simply not worth it.  I think I will have to remind myself of this a lot throughout this journey and it is better to start heeding this advice sooner rather than later.

moments of no self control

The biggest part of this journey right now for me is my weight loss.  None of this will be possible if I am not able to get below 35 BMI.  That said, I am working hard to exercise and eat right.  None of us can be perfect all of the time, right?

This week has been really tough.  I told Gregory that we would make some muffins, homemade blueberry muffins.  I didn't think it would be that difficult to do so without eating them - I make batch after batch of chocolate chip cookies without ever tasting the dough or a bite once baked off.  These muffins are killing me!  Not only do I want to shove spoonfuls of batter into my face, I want to test them once done baking.  But not just one, I mean, some look a little deformed and I probably shouldn't serve those either.  It got to the point where I asked Jacob to remove the remainder from the mini muffin tin because I had lost all will power!

After eating so many of those and being down on myself, I said who gives a shit and ate three pieces of the kids' Halloween candy before bed.  Geez louieez!  I had actually done really well and I think only eaten two pieces total since we bought the candy, but how have I gotten to this point!?  Just stuffing my face and reveling in the deliciousness only to beat myself up for indulging.  It really isn't worth it in the end.

As I was telling a friend about my lack of will to stay on track, she put it all in perspective - "you didn't eat four did you?"  I guess so, my friend, I guess you're right.  There is always tomorrow and even the next moment.  We can't wallow in our past but make better decisions for the future.

patience is a...

Virtue?  I suppose.  More like patience is a bitch!  Boy do I have a difficult time just letting things be and taking them as they come.  I do not have the strength or power to make everything happen in an instant.

I struggle with this but I do know that God has a plan for us throughout this journey and we are on His time, not ours.  I learned something more about how this process will continue to take longer than expected, despite everything else.  When I looked at the financial sheet from Shady Grove, I had no idea what it meant to see "1 donor to 3 intended parents."  Well, I have since been educated.  You may not know, either.  What this means, and as the cheapest option, one donor is providing eggs for three sets of parents.  That said, it means that three intended couples have chosen this specific donor and all three of them must be on track time wise for the removal/transfer.

From what Bethany has said, this creates a longer process because it is never known when the specific donor has three interested couples and that everything works within their timelines, too.  So frustrating!  But, I will remain positive and still be optimistic of my personal timeline (even though this does not matter one bit, as I said, I just want everything done as soon as it can be) but know that timing is perfect with His touch.

So many logistics, yet such large faith!

"Faith in God includes faith in God's timing."  - Neal A. Maxwell

finding serenity

Several weeks ago, Christen, my sister-in-law and Bethany's sister, reached out to me to see if we could have some time together.  I welcomed that but then got nervous.  What if she was upset with me?  What if she wishes I never broached this subject?  What if, what if, what if...  This is how my mind works and it is really ridiculous.  Once I realized that she just wanted to chat and spend time together, my mind was put at ease.

Fast forward to today, Christen and I met downtown at part of the James River Park that I had never been to - the Pipeline Walkway.  I arrived about 45 minutes early because I was a little nervous about not being able to navigate the walkway and I also wanted to make sure I got some dedicated exercise in before we met.  Stepping down on that walkway on my own was so liberating.  I had no idea the sense of peace that would come with that 10 minute walk down the pipeline and back.  I made sure I was totally aware and mindful the entire time.  I took tons of pictures and just felt everything.  I listened to the rushing water; watched the sun glisten on the river.  It was absolutely breathtaking.  I couldn't believe I stumbled on a slice of heaven so close to home that I had never even heard about.

I walked back up awaiting Christen and trying to get some more exercise in.  When she got there, we went down on the walkway together.  She was as enamored as I was at the beauty there to experience.  We hopped off the walkway for a little bit and sat in the sand on the bank of the river for a little bit.  We talked, got a little teary, laughed, and were ourselves, together.  Beyond the environment that couldn't have been any more perfect, I am happy to have spent that time with Christen.  We eventually walked to lunch and chatted further.  I am so thankful to have had this time for me and for us.  I am going to make a point to spend more one on one time with Christen and also do some more local exploring.  Who knows what else is out there that I have yet to encounter?

"As I went down to the river to pray, studying about that good ol' way.  And who shall wear the starry crown, Good Lord, show me the way."  - Alison Krauss

family filled saturday

Today was a great day, but stressful.  We had a lot of really fun family time with Jacob's family but Jacob wasn't feeling well.  He is such a crank-pot when he is under the weather.  When we got home, I made him go to the doctor, where he was diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection.  To make it easier on him, I said I would go to grab the prescriptions.  That was a disaster, too.  I couldn't wait for the kids to go to sleep so I could drown myself in wine.  Wait, I don't do that anymore.

So, I went out for a walk instead.  On that walk, Bethany had a wonderful conversation discussing everything.  She had had a rough week, too.  No matter what, we both have faith in this journey and in each other.

One thing she said to me was to have no expectation of timelines.  This kind of killed me because I am so very impatient.  But, I am glad that she put it all into perspective.  I cannot expect things to go as planned and will take them as they come.  Boy am I a planner, though!  I am crossing my fingers for "my" timeline, however, I know all of this is in God's hands and it will happen in His time.

"Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous." - Albert Einstein

a crazy halloween

Well, I didn't make it to the gym this morning.  Gregory woke up around 415 and decided to come downstairs with me.  He doesn't like being downstairs by himself so I knew he would just go up and get in bed with Jacob.  Maybe I was being pretty lazy myself?  Thus, I decided to just get stuff done before starting the normal morning routine, prepping for my manager to also be in town today.

Jacob was kind enough to take the kids to school so that I could get to the office earlier than normal.  Little did he know the monsters (I mean dragons) were supposed to be put in their costumes upon arrival.  Apparently he just dropped the kids and the costumes, letting the teachers handle it all.  :)  Smart thinking!

I was so nice to see my boss - I hadn't seen her since May.  She was blown away by my weight loss and we did get into this journey just a little bit.  I am not ready to share with my team at work yet and I can trust her.  Regardless, she was super supportive and noted that the promotion I am up for will not be affected at all by this revelation.  She is so kind - she brought gifts for the kids and also gave me movie tickets because she realizes (and appreciates) all of the extra I do for work and wanted to make sure she provided something for Jacob and I to do with each other.  I'm not much of a movie person but we will make it a point to go by ourselves sometime soon!

After a crazy, but good day at work, Jacob and I were ready to tackle trick or treating.  We have always gone to my aunt and uncles for supper and then walked down their street.  This year we decided to stay close to home and make a new tradition.  We sure did miss Aunt and Uncle Shug, but we had a blast.  We met up with some friends and the kids got WAY too much candy.  The weather even held off, which was really nice.  The best part of it all is that when we got home, there wasn't much of a fight limiting the kids to two pieces of candy each.  Shew - I was worried about that one!


Looking back, I have to say I got frustrated three times with Gregory - as super nice neighbors filled his bucket up with candy, every time he got those darned whoppers, he would say, "I don't like those."  Really, kid?  At least say no thank you.  Maybe just trade with someone else.  But no, of course, he waited for the super nice neighbors to go back to their bowl and provide something more appealing.  Thank goodness for all of those nice people that took it in stride.  I can't say I would have been so nice, trying to teach someone else's kid to be gracious rather than picky.  If that is the worst of our evening, I will take it.  This is an opportunity to grow over the next year, though.  We will work on it!

"There is a child in everyone of us who is still a trick-or-treater looking for a brightly lit front porch."  - Robert Brault

(i think my brightly lit front porch is this crazy, spooky, beautiful journey.)