hard to believe

All of this is still hard to fathom.  I remain on cloud nine at this time!  I think we are all overwhelmed with the emotions of today and what is next.

I received word about my blood work results this afternoon from the nurse after review by Dr. Nair. 

As you know the endometrial lining looks beautiful and measures 8.3mm.
Your Estradiol level is 240 which is perfect (we like it to be at least 150).

Progesterone is 8.1 which is an indication that you have ovulated however it is not something that we will worry about since you will be on Lupron for the frozen embryo transfer cycle. Lupron is a medication used to prevent ovulation and is standard protocol for all gestational carriers.

I don't know what all of this means, but we are doing a fresh transfer, so I asked about that.  The nurse was quick to respond that fresh is correct and that I will still need to be on the Lupron.  I still didn't know details, but Dr. Nair called to speak with me this evening.  Basically the progesterone level is high and basically, I probably should not have started ovulating yet.  She said this is not a bad thing, but they want to make sure that for the real transfer, I am not ovulating.  In order to prevent ovulation, the Lupron will be extra shots for a few weeks prior to the normal shots/regimen to prepare.  From what Dr. Nair said, the Lupron will tell my pituitary to tell my body to go into a brief menopause state to ensure complete preparation.  As I tried to wrap my head around it all, I have a million questions but knew that Dr. Nair was needing to attend to her next patient, so I let her go.  However, she did mention before we hung up that she was very proud of my weight loss progress - it meant a lot to know she recognized that.  I would try to do some fact finding on my own about the progesterone and will likely reach back out to the nurse tomorrow.

With a little research, I saw that IVF transfers should not happen with a progesterone level above 2.86 because the data suggests that it can reduce chances of pregnancy.  I don't mind taking extra meds, but want Bethany to understand if there are extra costs associated (which I imagine there will be).  She will reach out about that and I will try to contain my excitement about everything and learn more about the next steps.

dancing in the clouds

What a day!  It started with dreams of amazing news but understanding things may get cloudy and to be mindful of my reaction.  My head was in the clouds regardless of what I was thinking and feeling - both day dreaming and wondering what wrench would be thrown next. It ended up that I could not go to the office because Meade was sick and my parents, driving 1.5 hours to help, wouldn't be here until about 645.

Today was a big day - I have been on hormones for 15 days now and I had an ultrasound this morning.  This ultrasound was to check the thickness of my uterine lining.  I had been told it needs to be at 8mm.  As I waited in the room, I was texting Bethany.  When the doctor came in, I was going to be sure to ask if we could have Bethany on the phone.  Also, since I had never seen an MD at this location, I did a little research on the doctor.  Well, it was a man.  Strange thing - in all of my years of seeing an OBGYN and two deliveries, I had never had a gentleman do an exam on me.  Kind of crazy, but it made me a little nervous.  Regardless, I had time to kill and took a selfie in the exam room, displaying my beautiful angel that Bethany's parents sent to me at the beginning of the journey.

Dr. T walked in and I mentioned that to him.  His response was "well today is your lucky day."  wasn't sure how to take that but I laughed it off.  I asked if we could have Bethany listening in and he and his assistant were totally okay with that.  I called Bethany and the exam started.  Within no time, I was shown the lining on the screen.  I didn't want to ask a ton of questions, but he was really quiet.  Then, he put did the measurement.  8.29!  8!!!!  We got there!  This is amazing news!  Then he checked my ovaries which also had good measurements.  Bethany and I were over the moon.  The MD and his assistant said that the findings were being put into the chart just then and that Dr. Nair and her nurse would be in touch.

As I went to get bloodwork, I asked the sweet nurse if I could also use their scale.  She mentioned she didn't need my weight.  I told her that had been a huge part of this process and she was excited to let me step on the scale.  192.4!  What!!  Again, awesome news!  The nurse put it in my chart and told me it equated to a 35.2 BMI.  I need to be down to 35 to proceed!  She got my vein no problem and on I went.  This nurse is so sweet, I have really liked her the last two times I was there.

Now, it was a waiting game.  As I drove home, I started writing a text in my head to send to a few that I love and adore and ask for updates.  I was going to be quick to say it all went great, but now we have to wait for Dr. Nair to review everything and we know that could take days.  I got home, had a tight hug with my mom and shared the good news about the weight and the measurement.

When I got back to my desk I realized that Bethany had already written the coordinator to tell her that our appointment was complete and that we were awaiting word from Dr. Nair on the Shared Risk and Gestational Carrier programs.  No procrastination there - Go Bethany!  In my inbox was also a response from Dr. Nair's coordinator saying that she had requested approval and would be in touch.

At 9:08am (within 40 minutes of leaving the office), we received this correspondence:

Per Dr. Nair you are approved for donor egg and GC shared risk!

I couldn't believe it!  How was it that easy?  We knew that the waiting game would also be met with twists and turns and more obstacles.  Nothing goes easy on t his roller coaster.  It seemed too good to be true.  I started calling Bethany - her phone was going to voicemail and I assumed she was at the gym. I immediately texted Bethany and Phillip.  Phillip responded in no time and shared in my excitement.  Approved?  For both?  Already?  Really?  I wanted to write back and say are you sure but there was no way I was going to do that!  We had it IN WRITING!

We all were super emotional.  It was hard to focus on anything.  The rest of my morning at work was completely derailed, which I welcomed because it had been so stressful recently.  I think I needed a mental break and this was the best diversion I could ask for.  Whatever was waiting on me could wait a few more hours until I got my shit together and could focus again.

I ran in to tell my mom and she couldn't believe it either!  I did send a few texts to my friends that have asked for updates.  Everyone is just as excited for us and supportive as they have ever been!

 My heart is dancing and my head is in the clouds.  I have skipped right over to cloud 9 for now! 
I guess Dr. T was right when he said it was my lucky day.

heeding my own advice

Do you ever feel like you can say the right things to others as you help them struggle, but fail to act in the same manner?  I have been struggling with this for a while now.

I have a dear friend that is simply amazing and goes above and beyond for everyone else but never feels like her work is done.  I often tell her "you are enough."  Why do I feel the same way?  I don't often feel like my work is done and that I am letting people down?  The fact of the matter is that I am enough and while I will continue to strive to do more, I have to accept that what I am able to do is more than plenty in the majority of circumstances.

Other family friends were having a difficult week with a hospital stay, tons of testing, fear of the unknown and ultimately a procedure and diagnoses that aren't good but manageable.  One of them said to me, I am just a worrier.  I get it.  I also worry entirely too much, but what I said to her is what I need to think often.  Don't be a worrier, instead, be a warrior.  The worrier lets fear and uncertainty bring them down, but the warrior passes strength to everyone and faces obstacles head on.  Why have I never thought of this for myself.  In this journey especially, I need to take on the warrior role and be strong for us all because there is so much that we will struggle with until the beautiful baby enters this world.

These are just two examples where I find the right words for others, but never heed the advice in my own soul.  Well, today, I will start anew.  I will work to recognize that as I help others, I am helping myself.  If I do not act on that help, none of us will be acting in our full potential.  I must keep remembering this.  In these situations, I AM a warrior that will ALWAYS be enough!

distant

I know I have not been updating as much lately.  Frankly, not much is going on.  I continue to take the hormones as directed until we have the saline ultrasound this coming Thursday.

That said, I know I have been distant with many of you over the last few weeks.  I am overwhelmed.  Nothing bad is going on, but work has been super stressful and I feel like every ounce of my being is trying to meet deadlines with tons of extra work thrown in the mix.  I am happy that my leader feels that I can handle so much and she trusts me to get it all done, but it is getting to be a lot. 

In all of this, I have not been who I should be to my family and friends.  I feel as though I am going through the motions to keep it all together, yet failing those around me that I should be reaching out to on a more often basis.  Everyone is so very supportive and I am more than thankful for that.  I know that in due time, this too will pass.  However, for right now, I am tired.  I will do better not to isolate myself and give all I have to Jacob and my children moving forward regardless of all of the external factors that are playing into our lives at this time.

No matter what, my heart is still one hundred percent devoted to this journey.  This week I have been focusing on hitting the gym harder and eating more of a clean diet to get my weight loss back on track and ensure I am appropriately preparing for what lies ahead.  We will get there and I know that in my heart!

Thank you all for bearing with me!  No matter what, the life I live is the most beautiful I ever could have imagined.

yin and yang

One thing I have learned throughout this journey is that Bethany and I are truly polar opposites.  This has been really good for us, I think.  Bethany is the yin to my yang.

One of the biggest ways we have learned this is that once I get my mind set on something, I am super motivated and determined.  Bethany is more relaxed and procrastinates.  This is good, though because I need to be brought down to reality at times and Bethany needs a push to get up to speed sometimes.  Together, we make it work!  I want everything done now and Bethany and Phillip are more realistic.  They have been through this once before and had their heart broken.  They know all of the setbacks and ultimately that it may not work.  I am more of a dreamer and everything in my soul wants this so bad that I sometimes fail to recognize that there will be bumps along the road and am really discouraged when they come.  Bethany and Phillip are able to take the dips of the roller coaster better than I do and keep me off the ledge.  They keep me grounded.  I wanted the legal contract some time ago.  We managed to compromise to go down that route once I am approved for SGF's shared risk program.  I get it and while I want it now, I have to take into consideration their desires.

I am an investigator whereas Bethany more just takes things as they come. I will ask a million questions to better understand the process, the procedures, and what comes next.  Bethany tends to wait to be told rather than ask proactively.  My push here has caused issue.  Some of those we work with at SGF are not so keen to all of my questions.  I think that the biggest disconnect between us and SGF here is that we are not going through an agency.  My understanding is that if we were supported by an agency, most of the questions would be directed to them and we would know more up front and simply work through the clinic to get it done.  I don't know if SGF has had many independent gestational carriers, but it is obvious that they are not used to someone being an advocate for themselves.  If they are, some of those we have worked with do not show it.  (On the other hand, some are very responsive and have no qualms taking extra effort to point me in the right direction.)   In identifying all of this about us as well as the clinic, I have had to take a step back.  Because my own advocacy is not so appreciated, any of my questions or concerns are now through Bethany and Phillip.

I am an extreme budgeter whereas Bethany and Phillip are more lackadaisical when it comes to spending.  I mean, we probably would be, too, if we didn't have two children and all of the expenses that come with them.  Well, if I am honest, I have always been a saver, not a spender.  Throughout the journey, though, we are sharing experiences.  I have been able to help them find different grants to apply to and pointed them to their CPA to review potential items that may be deductible on their taxes for all of the medical spending.  I was able to get a test done at VCU to go through insurance that ultimately saved them $600 that would have been due to the clinic.  It is the little things that we can figure out and it all adds up.  I also got a precautionary prescription for nausea due to the hormones I am on.  Walgreens was going to fill it for $135!  I asked them not to fill it and I would only get it if absolutely necessary.  I did some research and should I truly need the medicine, I can download the GoodRx app and pick up the medicine at Kroger for less than $20.  Together, in the financial world, we fit perfectly.

Bethany is a health nut.  I have never been, but I am getting much better.  She has already taught me ways to do better in efforts to help me lose weight.  I check in with her daily on my exercise and she points out ways to make a bigger impact.  She also guides me on things to stay away from as well as integrate into my diet to be in the best health I can be.  Bethany has already managed to curb my soda intake to one a day, which is substantially less than it was just a month ago.  Things I knew weren't so healthy, now I have the drive to work on.  More than the drive, Bethany holds me accountable, which is how it all works out.

Being a therapist, Bethany truly values mental health.  It is not that I do not value it, but it has always been on the back burner and never a priority.  I hate therapy - never have enjoyed it and always dreaded it when I did go.  We are on the same page about my anti-depressants, which is amazing, but she checks in to ask the difficult questions about  how I feel.  I think she can tell when I am frustrated and inquires.  This makes me take a step back (whether I like it or not) and dive deep to understand why I am feeling what I am feeling and what I can do to react or approach things differently.  There are times when I feel like saying "stop psychoanalyzing me!" but I know she is just trying to help me be all I can be.  I don't always welcome the conversations, but I am much better after we have them.

We have many different thoughts about things to stay away from during pregnancy.  Of course, we both agree on most of the nutrition.  I said very early in this journey, if you want me to eat all organically, we should not explore any further.  Bethany often jokes that this will be written into the contract.  I think that they do feel like I should eat a more organic diet, but it is not in my family's budget, but I am going to start making better choices at the grocery store, and I already have.  I guess I was much more relaxed on what should be done with my pregnancies, whereas Bethany wants to take the most extreme precautions - which is okay.  For example, the whole BPA plastic thing gets me.  I never once worried about our tupperware choices when we were pregnant.  Can this stuff really make a difference?  I suppose if it is in the literature, it can.  Bethany is hyper to some of these items and I have to respect that.  If she wants me to stay away from BPA, so be it.  She has even offered to purchase BPA-free containers to use.  I kind of wish I had a cat (not really), but that would mean that Jacob would have to clean the litter box the entire pregnancy.  Well, good thing we don't have a cat because it would probably just get disgusting and cause an argument because I would want it cleaned out sooner than he did.  :)

All of this said, there is no right or wrong.  Bethany is my yin and I am the yang.  Together we are both being respectful of one another and at the end of the day, want to please each other.  The beautiful thing is that we complement each other well and both have the same end goal in sight!

planning it out

I am a planner, always have been probably always will be.  Well, folks, the joke is on me now!  You never know which way this journey will lead and how you will get there, I have learned.

I asked to chat with Bethany last night to just understand more of the process of actual transfer.  I mean, assuming that the estrogen I am on now allows my uterine lining to get thick enough during the January 30th ultrasound, then we are set to move forward with transfer.  That means that the only outstanding items are my weight loss, B/P's pick of the donor egg, and our legal contract.  It is crazy to think that the transfer is in sight!

That brings me to my dilemma.  I want to be able to plan for the transfer.  Not. Gonna. Happen.  I have to live with it.  I went ahead and set the date for Meade's birthday party hoping it will be a little too early to expect transfer then, but who knows.  It has been my plan to get this shit done as soon as possible, so if I get a call to start taking more meds to prepare for the IVF I will do it.  If I am told I need to be in Maryland for the transfer on the day of Meade's birthday party, so be it, I will go. 

I am trying not to be my totally type A self and just let things happen.  It is not easy, but if I try to plan for the transfer, I think I will be setting unreasonable expectations and ultimately myself up for disappointment.

The moral of the story is there is no plan.  Just like with my own pregnancies, I had no plan.  If I had no plan, I had no expectations.  If I had no expectations, I wouldn't be let down.  It kills me to say this, because my mind hasn't really believed it even though I can write it and the words can come out of my mouth.

In the book I am currently reading (written by the grand daugther of a sweet friend at Westminster Canterbury), this sentence resonated with me:  "I was starting to see how truly the timing I wanted might now always be best, and that delays might be conduits for divine intervention."

You know what else I can't plan for?  The way my damned body is reacting to everything!  I was sure my period was over this morning when there was little flow yesterday and none last night.  Well, jokes on me again.  As I walked on the treadmill at the gym at work, I was delightfully surprised.  Yuck.  However, I am trying to think that this is a blessing in that my body still had more weight to lose from the entire cycle and maybe, just maybe, my weigh in yesterday wasn't totally accurate.  Here's to being positive!

stepping back

I was in a foul mood most of the morning.  It is weigh in Wednesday and that scale did not look so pretty.  I experienced the highest of highs last week to be brought down pretty low.  I gained three pounds last week.  I knew it was not going to be great, but I had hoped that maybe I just maintained.  There are several factors - or maybe excuses - I'm on my period, I had a football watch party and ate way too much, at that same party I had more caffeine than I should have, I want to eat anything and everything in sight, I have lost all willpower that ever existed in keeping my elbow from bending to get my fingers to my face, I even ate an entire bag of dove dark chocolate.  So, the scale is quite indicative of my lifestyle over these last few days!  How can I be mad?  It is pretty scientific.

I told my frustrations to Bethany and was told that I am allowed to feel this way.  I am allowed to be disappointed in myself.  However, I should use some of those emotions to fuel my energy to do better this coming week.  I agree.  I am all in.  Together we made a pact for no sweets for the remainder of the month (she has already been on this train for the last 15 days - my baggage and I were left at that station). 

It is understood that sometimes we have to take two steps back to take another forward.  I am only with that and frankly, I think I needed a reality check.  Much of my weight loss has been somewhat easy until the holidays.  I think it hasn't been as easy since because I haven't been trying as hard.  So, they go hand in hand.  I am going to ensure I am doing my own due diligence to make the right decisions in the coming weeks to get down to that goal of 190.  First, my interim goal is to get down to 196 by the time that I go in for my next blood work/ultrasound. 

Being nervous is an understatement.  I start hormones today to get my body ready over the next two weeks in order to check the uterine lining for Shared Risk Program candidacy.  When I inquired with the nurse about the side effects of this medicine, I was told "oh not much, but maybe some moods wings and hot flashes."  Great, that is fucking awesome!  I am not going to allow myself sugar, have to push myself further at the gym, be really good at making the right nutritional choices, and be a raging bitch, too?  You might want to check in on Jacob...

cycling

The next step in this process is that my period must begin.  Once that begins, with bright red, full flow, we can schedule blood work and oral pills to prepare for the medicated mock transfer.

I started spotting yesterday but didn't want to get my hopes up.  I was not let down.  Today has been a rough one, going through many many tampons.  I feel like crap, I am exhausted, and I want to eat everything in sight.  I did manage to get into the gym and get a workout in, but I really didn't want to do that either.

I think I have never been so in-tune to my body.  Yes, I have had my period over the years, but this is the first real cycle I think I have had since before I was pregnant with Meade.  Back then, I probably had the same symptoms but was always tired and pretty much eating anything and everything without worry.  Thankfully, back then nor now have I had much cramping.  No wonder why I couldn't wait to get out of my jeans yesterday, the bloating feeling was more than I (or my pants) could handle.  I imagine there will be no more real pants for the next few days.  I am okay with that.  I am going to do my best to not give into the temptation to eat/drink any and all I can.  We shall see how that goes!

Tomorrow, I will call into our nurse at SGF and let her know and we can schedule the next steps.  Things are a rolling!

OB/MFM clearance

It is official!  I have been medically cleared by MY physicians to carry a pregnancy for Bethany and Phillip.  While this is necessary for SGF to proceed and the attorneys to have, it has absolutely no bearing on being a part of the Shady Grove Shared Risk Program (this will be our next HUGE win)!

It is funny to me how doctors will word things so you have to read between the lines.  See here:

Dr. C (OB):  "While there are no pregnancies that are risk free, there is no current medical contraindication for Julia to become pregnant.  She has optimized her health and has my support in her attempts."

Dr. Lanni (MFM):  "The patient is willing to pursue a pregnancy with her current conditions; her knowledge following this counseling session, and recognition and understanding that a pregnancy would not be risk-free, is inherently necessary with medical and obstetric concerns exist, as they do in this situation.  However, I believe it is not unreasonable for this patient to act as a gestational surrogate for a singleton pregnancy.  I do however believe that a multiple gestation pregnancy would not be advisable."

As a follow up to Dr. Lanni's approval, I had to get clarification on selective reduction.  Our attempts will only be a single embryo transfer, but what if that embryo splits (as it does in approximately 1.5% of IVF cases)?

Dr. Lanni (MFM):  "Selective reduction of monochorionic twins is not advisable (unless there is one of the unfortunate consequences of MC twinning, and we would know know about this until much later in gestation).  If one embryo is transferred and it splits, we just deal with the consequences.  I was trying to avoid having the REI docs transfer 2 embryos."

All great information and now we can focus on the next steps!!!

mfm consult

This morning, I had a consult with the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor at VCU.  This was one of the constraints that Dr. Nair set forth for us due to my history and obesity.  No big deal - I was followed by one during my two pregnancies and it really just means more ultrasounds and extra monitoring, but nothing bad.  I had tried to schedule in December to get the last of my 2019 benefits, but was unable to do so.  I had also made appointments with both the old MD that saw me at Virginia Women's Center and the one at VCU.  I finally made the decision to go ahead and go to the one at VCU because she would be the one following me for this pregnancy.  Boy am I glad I did. 

First impression is everything.  Dr. Lanni came into the room with a huge smile, a firm handshake and was absolutely lovely.  She was okay right away with having Bethany on the phone to listen and join in the conversation as she needed to.  I liked her style.  Pretty red dress, knee high boots, great jewelry, tattoos over a lot of her body.  Most importantly, I appreciated her candor and ability to be direct.  Even though this arrangement is altruistic, there are risks as there are with ANY pregnancy.  Maybe being obese here is one positive simply because I will have the extra monitoring and extra support should it be needed?  People at healthy weights should probably be offered the same if it allowed them to feel more comfortably with their pregnancy.

We talked about a lot of things. 

• My only noted deficiency on my bloodwork at SGF was Vitamin D.  Dr. Lanni suggested that the maintenance dose of 2000 units/day is not good enough.  Instead, she prescribed 50000 units/week for 8 weeks and then going back to the maintenance dose.  No problem here!  I have already started it!
• Nutrition will be key.  I need to add about 300 calories to my diet and focus on protein throughout the pregnancy.  Approximately 1.1 grams of protein per kilogram of body weight.  This is a lofty goal, but if we could get to 70-80 grams a day, everything will be fine.  I have a list of new things to try, such as egg white protein powder and Rx bars.  Works for me - done!
• Risk come with every pregnancy.  Although there are heightened risks with overweight people, frankly, people at any weight could experience any of these.  Regardless, we needed to go over them:
• Miscarriage – due to weight and age
• Birth defects – take a prenatal to increase folic acid to help
• Pre-eclampsia - high blood pressure during pregnancy (frankly, mine has run low during the my biological pregnancies)
• Fetal loss at the end – ultrasounds will be done each week after 34/36 weeks to ensure baby is growing and looks okay.
• Placenta accreta/previa – risk due to prior c-sections

• Delivery will likely be a planned cesarean at 39 weeks, which is good for me.  I had Gregory 5 days early and Meade 10 days early.  That is right in the middle and perfect.

Ultimately, Dr. Lanni said there are three things I can control throughout the pregnancy and that is it.  All risks/issues can be found in anyone at any time for a host of known reasons.  We just have to do our best to control the things we can:

1. Going to the doctor.
2. Taking medicines as directed.
3. Being mindful of dietary consumption and nutrition.

I am on board with all of this.  I trust and believe that we will be fine, but know if we face more obstacles, we will do our best to mitigate those risks before they become issues.

One more thing that has resonated with me often since meeting with Dr. Lanni is her approach to obesity.  She made it very clear up front that obesity is a diagnosis and should not be an adjective that describes someone.  Instead of saying "she is obese" society should really focus on the fact that "she has a diagnosis of obesity."  We all know society will never change.  I mean, how many people with diabetes do you know that say "I have a diagnosis of diabetes" verses saying "I'm diabetic?"  A little food for thought.  I like it though, obesity should not define me.  

If you think about it, I will have the diagnosis of obesity until I drop below 165 pounds, according to the CDC.  I'm short, which doesn't help, but that means I need to lose 35ish more pounds to be considered "just" overweight.  It is what it is.  I am healthier than I have EVER been and I am thankful to be in this position and on this journey.  After today, I am so happy I met with Dr. Lanni and she will be with us each step of the way!

o n e - h u n d r e d

Yesterday was weigh in Wednesday.  It was one of my most emotional days yet.  I went to the gym as normal and stepped on the scale.  I saw 199.  This means I have lost more than 100 pounds since the beginning of 2019!  I still can't believe it as I write.  I tried to gather myself and get out into the gym for a workout.  I started crying more as I clued a couple of people in.  I had to go back to the locker room to wash my face as the makeup from the prior day was just dripping down.

This has never seemed possible.  I know I have not done it on my own.  Before this journey, I had lost about 50 pounds.  Another 50 since this began in August!  I still have 9 pounds to go to clear me (so that I have a BMI of 35).

As I reflect, it is just so hard to fathom.  I look in the mirror sometimes and still don't recognize myself.  As I walk in the back door and see my whole body reflection, I say who is that gal with a figure?  I have collar bones I didn't know existed.  I don't have to stretch my neck out in pictures to try to alleviate my double/triple chins.

I can't explain all of this weight loss has been relatively easy.  Some people that ask me what I have been doing I say it has been many different things that have worked together.  Most importantly, though, I say I have never been happier in my life.  I feel as though, well before this journey began, I found the right dose of antidepressants.  I also started working on ME, being more mindful in all things I do.  This has changed my mindset.  Instead of thinking woe is me, I now welcome criticism.  Everything pointed out isn't a jab, it is an opportunity to grow.  A way to thrive as a better me.  I give thanks often where credit is due and I truly believe that the majority of the credit here goes to God.  He has found a way to help me help myself.  The stars have truly aligned.  I feel better and I am learning to love the new me, with many less pounds.

Frankly, I will likely have the "obese" diagnosis for many moons, but I am so much healthier than I have EVER been in my life.  Ever.  Thank you all for your support and kind words through it all.  I am so overwhelmed and humbled, thankful and proud.

This is what all of these feelings look like.

attorney consult

Monday we went in and met with the attorney.  She was absolutely lovely, as was her team.  We discussed many of the logistics and frankly, much of the other items talked about have already been reviewed between the four of us and many with the counselor.  I feel as though we are on the right track.

B/P liked the attorney and decided to hire her as I could find other counsel for much cheaper and would research those.  Still, on top of the $425 consult, there is the $1800 retainer for the contract and $1550 retainer (phase 2) for the parentage rights.  This stuff is SO expensive, but frankly, this attorney has discounted the costs due to the compassionate arrangement.

I was given the name of another attorney that may be able to represent me for around $750-$1000.  I reached out to her.  Not only is she willing to represent me, but has said that based on the intracacies of it and if we work everything out prior to the contract getting to her, it could be as little as $100!!!!!  That is amazing news!  Of course, if necessary, the price could go up to $750, but this is a huge savings we were not expecting.

My only hesitation in all of this is that Bethany and Phillip want to wait on the contract (paying the retainer) until I am approved for Shady Grove's shared risk program.  I totally get it, but don't want to wait.  I think you know by now, I do not procrastinate and want things lined up well in advance.  I am trying to flesh out my thoughts on this and see how to approach it.  What I fear is that we get everything done and can't schedule a transfer because the contract is outstanding.  The transfer will really depend on the egg donor, but still there may be donors that could be ready earlier and if we wait, we may miss those opportunities.  Again, it is not all about me, but I am doing my damnedest to try to deliver in 2020.

So, all in all, wonderful outcome this week.  Not to mention, all of the ladies I have been working with (on both representing sides) have been a pleasure.  It is so nice that they are very responsive, helpful, and truly want to help us make this work!

unknown fear

I know I have written on the fear of the unknown previously.  Now, I am dealing with fears I didn't know I had.  When we met with Laura last week, I guess I felt so uncomfortable regarding "abandonment."  It is very difficult for me to discuss this and also write it.  I am almost positive that my fears will not come to fruition, but I had to call Bethany and Phillip to discuss and process nonetheless.  You see, this concern makes me feel a little weak.  I am fiercely independent and I understand the fact that I will need to be more dependent on others after birth.  That said, this opens up tremendous vulnerability for me.  However, if I am being true to myself, I feel the need to write about it.

During our time with Laura she broached how we would work our time together at the hospital.  B and I had already talked about briefly and she mentioned she would stay in the room with me, which I welcomed.  As we talked in Laura's office, I looked at Bethany and said "you said you would stay with me." I suppose I had no idea what my tone and nonverbal cues suggested, but B later told me that I had the look of ultimate fear in my eyes.

I tried to shake it off and listened to a podcast out of Australia with a surrogacy counselor regarding fears.  Of course, the first fear associated and brought to light was that of abandonment.  In one way, I felt liberated because it is a natural fear.  In other ways, it was concerning because it is a real fear.  I listened intently and learned that (like through all of this), transparency and communication is key. 

Abandonment in this journey will not be realized, if ever, until after the time of birth.  It is extremely important for me to be respectful of B/P and their time with their baby, but what does that mean for me?  Throughout this whole process, I have been celebrated way too much and way too often.  Once the baby arrives, it isn't about me anymore.  That is okay, that is the way it is supposed to be!  But, what about me?  How will I handle it?  I have no idea and I am scared to death that I will need more support than I want to admit.  All of this said, I discussed further with Bethany.

When I texted Bethany asking for some time to chat, I didn't know how to give it a whirl, but I knew I had to.  Together, we talked it through.  Never at any time do B/P feel that they will abandon me - frankly, I don't think they will either.  Even with their sweet baby, they are going to make sure I am taken care of.  Regardless, I may not skip a beat and all will be fine after birth.  However, I am one to address risks and try to mitigate those before they become issues.  So, together we are going to come up with a plan so that I do not feel alone and that I have the necessary support.  We all know that the support each of us have here has been immense and we will lean on that, if necessary.  I want to ensure that B/P are given ample time to spend with their little one without me around - they deserve that and it is important for them to bond as a family, alone.

There are so many fears on both of our sides, many parallel one another.  Bethany and Phillip have to relinquish so much control and trust to us throughout the process.  Technically they could fear that I would want to keep the baby - which we know is not going to happen.  Regardless, they have every right to be fearful and I have to understand that.  We have vowed to continue to be open with one another for all subjects - good and bad.  That is the ONLY way this will work!

group counseling

Jacob and I dropped the kids off this morning and headed up to Fairfax to meet Bethany and Phillip for the group counseling with Laura.  I was not nervous at all, just the final counseling step and was excited to get everything further down the appropriate path.

As we were a minute away, Bethany called and said she wanted to chat.  I told her that we were almost there and I had to pee so bad that I did not want to have a discussion just yet, could I call her after I peed?  She was totally fine with that and also arrived at the office early so we could chat.

Bethany and Phillip's concern revolved around the scheduled consult for Monday with the attorney.  They felt that it was premature.  I totally understood their concerns, but I had to push back a little bit.  I have tried extremely hard to do anything and everything to meet their needs but had to let them know that I wanted to get a contract in place back in October when I was initially speaking to the attorney.  I know we aren't going through an agency and if we were, we would have had to had that in place months ago.  Additionally, the sweet lady that I have been speaking to about her journey in surrogacy told me that the legal contract was one of the first things they completed (also without agency involvement). 

Their concerns were the costs and if for some reason things didn't go through and I did not get into the Shared Risk Program, they will have lost the $425.  To me, the $425 isn't that much in the scheme of things.  Frankly, if we cannot go through with this process, they will have lost thousands in all of the testing, psychological things, etc.  It is scary and I totally understand.  I am so fiscally responsible that I get their concerns.  However, I had to reiterate my need to get this part of it all done because I don't want to wait as executing a contract takes time.  It is not like we can go to the consult, pay the fee for the contract and have something executed in the next week.  There will be a lot of passing of redlines to ensure that everyone is on the same page and in agreement.  This could take weeks.  My thoughts were that if we waited until I was fully into the SRP, this could delay things by another month or so. 

I know my personal timeline doesn't mean anything, but my goal is to deliver in 2020.  This is going to be a feat in itself because my cycle has not come yet, which will already put us into March.  I have said many times that if my timeline is not met, it does not matter, I am just a planner.  I have received awards at work for execution and if I do not have targeted dates, things seem worthless.  There are always times that the estimated targets have to be adjusted and that is fine.  I am all in, regardless of if my projected timeline goes astray.

I think this was difficult for Bethany and Phillip to hear and I offered to reimburse them the $425 should everything not go as planned and the consult was done prematurely.  They said no and agreed to keep the consultation on the calendar for Monday.  A tough conversation that frankly was a good one and I think that our respect for one another and understanding eachothers' needs was a growing experience.  I will say that those 20 minutes between when she called to chat and when we actually talked, my mind was going crazy trying to figure out what they wanted to chat about, how it affected everything, and what it meant for me.  Ugh, my mind is the worst!

The counseling session went really well!  There were many topics that we had all discussed either on our own with Laura or on our own with Bethany and Phillip.  It was nice to have all of it reiterated while we were together.

I think that we grew in other areas, too.  There were a couple items that I "conceded" to, because this is about Phillip and Bethany, not me.  I say conceded, but that probably isn't the right word.  Basically, I agreed to what they wanted, regardless of my own wants.  Nothing serious, but see here:

• My caffeine intake.  We all probably know that I drink entirely too much diet soda.  This has been something I have been trying to cut back, increasing water intake through the weight loss.  I feel as though I snapped at Bethany at the beginning of the conversation and said - this would be like you going through pregnancy without coffee.  My tone was not good and I was immediately defensive.  Ugh - my fault but I wish I would have thought before those words came out of my mouth.  Bethany let me know that she had stopped drinking coffee a whole month before her transfer in preparation.  Wow - if this was that important to her, I could definitely still try to cut back.  She drinks coffee all day long!  I let them know that even through my pregnancies, my MD at one point told me to drink some more caffeine to get through the day, if necessary but do not over do it.  At the end of the conversation, I agreed to cut back, starting now.  I am going to make that concerted effort.  On the other hand, they understood if I needed it to keep going, that I should not be miserable without it and that as long as the MD says it is okay and I am not overdoing it, they are okay.
• Skin to skin time with the baby after birth.  We had gone through all of the logistics of who holds the baby first, what all of that looks like and that Bethany and Phillip would also do skin to skin.  I made it clear that I would like to hold and love on the baby for a second, but at the end of the day, the baby is not mine and I would respect everything they needed as they bond with the sweet little thing.  All of us were super respectful of eachother and nothing was out of the norm, until I said that I would love some skin to skin time with the baby.  Bethany looked at me and said she had not thought about that but would think on it.  I totally understood.  Did it really matter that much to me?  I don't know.  However, Jacob spoke up and said it may not be a good idea because I should not be trying to bond with the baby in that manner.  I agreed and I understood Bethany's hesitation.  That said, I looked at Bethany and let her know I would be okay without the skin to skin time and would just honor a few seconds to hold the baby as they get to know their real parents.

So much more was discussed.  There were tears.  There were smiles and laughs.  There was about everything one could imagine.  It was a wonderful experience that I am thankful we shared together.  One more step down, and a million more to go, but we will get there!

On the way home, I asked Jacob if we could try to get a sitter for the night so that we could have a little alone time.  He obliged.  We had a hard time finding a sitter on a whim, but Nana to the rescue!  Jacob and I went out to this amazing little restaurant in Richmond, L'Opossum.  We had been there once before thanks to our dear Ms. Clare and Adrienne. When I told her how phenomenal it was, she got me another gift card the following year.  So, out we went, sat at the bar, had the best steaks in Richmond and simply enjoyed being together.  This process isn't easy and I know it takes a toll on us, but we are both all in and I couldn't be more thankful to Jacob.