good to be home

Discharge went faster than I thought it would.  Since there wasn't the dual discharge of me and baby together, everything was much smoother.  There was no coordination between the OB and the Ped staff.  All of the extra paperwork for baby since I am just the gestational carrier was completed before they discharged yesterday.

I was in constant contact with my dad and cousin who were dropping off my aunt from Florida off at the airport.  My hope was that they could swing by the hospital and grab me.  It all worked out perfectly.  They were going to grab breakfast but didn't even have time to do that.  I was ready to be discharged and they were on their way.  They scooped me up, along with the beautiful flower arrangement that my dad sent yesterday.  He also sent a teddy bear, balloon, and an edible arrangement that I gave to the hospital staff once mom, Bethany and Phillip had what they wanted.  Dad was so damned proud and happy through the tears.  It bothered me he sent all of that, but it made him happy so I had to just sit back and be thankful.

We got home and the kids were eating donuts that Aunt Leigh grabbed them after they just went out for breakfast.  These kids are so spoiled.  

I was tired and needed to lie down, but a call came in.  It looked like the number from the school, but I thought they would not be calling on a weekend.  Boy was I wrong.  It was the principal, nonetheless, informing us that Meade was exposed to someone with COVID on Tuesday and that she would need to be out until the 8th.  Ugh, I guess it is good that I am already home and Mom is here with me.  That said, we couldn't let the children trick or treat with friends until we got a negative result back from a rapid test.  

Poor Jacob, he was on point to get those done.  We realized we couldn't schedule anything but KidMed was accepting walk ins.  We finally got the results we hoped for, everyone was negative.  Plans switched and instead of going to one friends' house, Jacob decided on a closer option to go trick or treating for a little bit with another set of friends and would return with enough time to go to a few houses right on our street.

Mom and I had chairs at the end of the driveway and gave out candy to the few trick or treaters that we had.  I was surprised by the little number of kids - I have no idea where they all went instead.  Neighbors came out to check on me and my mom and it was a really nice time.  We didn't stay out for too long and only until Jacob and the kids returned from going down the street here.  

It has been a long day and I basically came straight to bed.  I wish the kids had school tomorrow, but they are out tomorrow for a teacher workday and then Tuesday for election day.  Thankfully, Nana is helping us tomorrow and Aunt Shug on Tuesday.  Somehow, someway, we will make it through. Hopefully, with some sleep sprinkled in here and there.

I went upstairs and laid down for a little bit so I could get some rest before the evening Halloween festivities.  Jacob and my mom got each of the children dressed and ready to go.

finally, rest

Brittany gave me the sleeping med at the beginning of her shift last night and it helped tremendously.  While she came in and out to keep me going on the pain meds, I was able to get right back to sleep.  I still had to have more meds for the itching, too.  Apparently this will go away soon and is a side effect of the epidural meds.  

Around seven this morning, I was a little worried that Brittany had left.  I immediately pressed the call bell and asked if I could say goodbye to her before she left.  She said absolutely and that she wasn't going to leave without coming back in again - I think we were both happy.

Brittany came in and she even said she didn't ask this often but asked if she could give me a hug.  I was so delighted and welcomed a hug from her.  Like I said before, something clicked between the two of us and I was so comforted by her and wish we could continue to see each other and chat outside of the hospital environment.  That would be strange, though, and I didn't want to put her in that weird predicament so I never asked.

The way everyone is talking, we can discharge today.  While I think I definitely need more healing and rest, I want to be home for Halloween with the children tonight.  They have plans, but I would like to see them if at all possible.  The doctor came in around six am and was happy for me to go home.  She would send me with more pain meds as well as some of that sleeping medication.

I am thankful that I am on track with the physical healing and that I should be able to go home today.

incredible care

All of the nurses and physicians I have been dealing with since being here have been amazing.  Especially this amazing night nurse named Brittany.  I don't know what it is, but I want to be her friend.  Because I wasn't able to sleep much, she was in a lot and helping me.  I was on a regimen of the oxycodone, tylenol, and motrin, all at different times.  The epidural was wearing off, so the pain was inevitable.  She was trying to keep me comfortable and also having to give me more meds for the itching through the night.

The catheter had to be in for twelve hours, so around 3am, Brittany removed that and together we walked to the bathroom.  She was proud of me for how well I was doing, but I must say each step was tough.  At shift change this morning, I really didn't want her to leave.  However, the day nurse, Theresa has been just as wonderful.

I have been able to get up and go to the potty on my own several more times today.  Mom came a little bit before lunch time and was able to stay with me most of the day.  My aunt drove back over from the eastern shore and went to the soccer game with Jacob and the kids - I was really thankful for that.  My Aunt Alison was having a few friends to her house this evening so I told my mom she should go to that, which would cut her time with me today short.  I was okay with that.  She needed to be with others, too.  

Bethany and Phillip were in and out a few times today.  It was heartwarming to see them so often and be able to spend time with the three of them.  I held little Makenna a bunch and just soaked in her sweet smell and stared at her beautiful face.  Yes, she is still a little alienish, but that is normal.  However, like anyone close to a newborn, you look beyond that and just find beauty.  

Mama, Papa, and baby were discharged this evening.  It felt like a million years before they got all of their paperwork done, but I was thankful because it meant more time I got to spend with them.  They brought Makenna over before mom left and you could tell they were just exhausted.  I don't think they slept a wink either.  It was almost like they needed a little break and my mom held Makenna for a good bit, another perfect moment to capture in my heart forever.  

I welcomed a shower around 3pm - they said it had to be 24 hours after surgery.  Theresa helped to get me everything I needed and what I couldn't do, like washing some of the sticky stuff off my back, my mom came in and helped with.  Man, I feel like a new person since the shower!  Pain is still here, but that is to be expected.  The bleeding is heavy, yet normal.  

I have already asked the nurse for sleeping medication for tonight since I didn't sleep last night.  They are going to give me hydroxyzine in a little bit, which not only is for sleeping but also for anxiety.  Best of both worlds, I suppose.  I just want to rest and to forget the last week.  Randomly, I am reminded that Ricky has passed and it kills me inside.  It doesn't feel real yet although my mind knows he is gone.

I am looking forward to having Brittany again tonight - she is just so calm and comforting.  Hopefully, though, I won't have to bother her too much because I will be resting.  

What a whirlwind it has been.  I wish I could say I wouldn't change anything but that would be a lie.  If only Ricky were here to facetime us and meet Makenna, too.  However, I know that he is up there, with Katie and so many others smiling down on us, protecting each of us as he would have done if he were here in the flesh.

As difficult as it is, my heart is full of gratitude but remains very sad.

an angel is born

I can't express the emotions I am feeling right now.  It feels right to feel joyful and proud of what we accomplished, but it doesn't feel like I can.  When I want to ride the high, I am brought down quickly in remembering that Ricky is still gone.  Life isn't fair and I know that.  I wish I could share this joy with him on this earth, but I know he is celebrating hard in heaven.

I am sitting here trying to sleep, but I can't.  Bethany and Phillip brought Makenna over not long after we came upstairs.  Mom and I both got to hold her.  It was special moments for us all.  I can't express how much I love this little girl, yet how my heart knows she is not mine.  It gives me so much joy to see them as her parents.  I can't ask for anything more.  

I got to snuggle and kiss on her - she is just perfect.  Not long after that visit, Mom called an uber to head home.  I was nervous to be alone, but knew I needed to rest.  I promised Bethany and Phillip that I would be fine and they returned to their room, too.  The nurse had to keep giving me itching meds and asked if I wanted something for sleep.  While I said I wanted it, I felt that it had been such a crazy day that hopefully I would be able to get to sleep on my own.  So much for that.  I sit awake, yet exhausted, at this time.  So often, I catch myself falling asleep, yet it never makes it past dozing.

I even reached out to the little family next door to see if they were still awake.  They came over around 11 and we got to spend more time with each other.  They asked if I wanted to hold her.  I declined because of how tired I was but I think I may have gotten more out of watching them hold her.  Together, they are the perfect little family.  I am so thankful for them and their trust in me.  I still can't fathom that we are here with the baby in their arms.  I feel like I need to pinch myself.  

deliverance

It is not just about the delivery of this special little girl, but about the divine rescue of my heart in this awful time.

I was rolled into the operating room and moved over onto the surgery gurney.  Then, I was asked to sit up and put my arms and face into this contraption that helped me to stay still for the epidural.  Because my delivery was Gregory was so hairy and the epidural never took, I was extremely nervous.  The shot of numbing medication definitely hurt, but it wasn't anything to fret over.

They let the numbing medicine work for a moment and then there was a ton of pushing on my back.  Fingers trying to find out exactly where the epidural needed to be placed.  I felt jolts and pushes but they didn't really hurt a ton.  There was a nurse helping me to stay calm and keep my back arched properly.  She was beyond nice.  Then, there was more tapping on the catheter.  With each tap, my right leg would kick and the pain on the right side was a little rough.

The anesthesiologist in the corner was telling the ones at my back that they were too far to the right, to back up and try again.  It felt like this went on for five minutes - way too long.  I put my head down into the head rest and prayed.  I prayed hard that they would get the epidural in without problem.  Prayers are tough these days and I started crying.  The head anesthesiologist asked if I was crying and I looked at the nurse and whispered I was okay.  She let him know that I was fine and that they could keep going.

Finally, finally, everything started to go numb!  They got it in.  Praise the Lord!  Again, I had never been so thankful, just as I was when they got the epidural in with Meade.  All of the workers in there laid me back and lifted my legs onto the gurney to continue to prep me for surgery.  The fact that I would be awake meant so much.

Pretty quickly, I started feeling awful.  I felt sweaty and out of it and had no idea what was going on.  I heard them mentioning more meds to push into my IV.  Eventually, I was told that my blood pressure dropped pretty low, which is normal right after the epidural so they just administered some ephedrine (or something like that) to get it back up.  

The nurses inserted my catheter and I didn't feel a thing.  I asked several questions, but have no idea what those were.  One of the nurses was kind enough to take my camera so that she could grab some pictures when it was time.  The drape was put into place by the nurses.  Then, Bethany and Phillip entered the room. They were adorable in their scrubs.  I just had a gown on with my sports bra - thank goodness they let me have that.  The last I wanted were my boobs flopping all over in front of Phillip.  Not that either of us cared, but it was nice to keep some dignity around the situation.

Bethany and Phillip took chairs around my head.  I continued to ask questions, like had they started cutting yet.  Of course they had.  They were still making their way through each layer, but were close to getting to my uterus.  Bethany took my hand and we just held each other for the next five minutes or so.  I didn't feel a thing and I think that they were so nervous and excited they had no idea what was going on.

I would ask for confirmation here and there from Dr. C and she would provide it.  All was going well, they were about to get to baby, etc.  Then, I heard someone say grab the camera.  The baby was on its way out and the nurse put the camera up to get that first shot.  I think Bethany and Phillip stood to see.  

Quickly, the baby was whisked away to get the first few things done in the back corner of the room.  Together, Bethany and Phillip joined her.  The nurses and anesthesiologist stayed with me and answered more of my dumb questions.  Baby didn't cry much, but when she did, it made me so happy.  

I was fully expecting little girl to be named Nora, likely Nora June.  However, we knew it would be a last minute decision after they saw her.  Then, I started to hear names I had never heard before.  McKenna was mentioned, to which I yelled I love it (not that it was my decision at all).  I also said that if she were named McKenna, I would call her Henry.  For obvious reasons of course.

Maybe Nora McKenna.  Okay, that sounded good, too.  Then, someone finally said Makenna Noelle!  Perfect, the best one yet.  And that is what stuck.  Perfect little Makenna Noelle was here!  

6lbs 11oz and 19 inches at 1:57pm 

The nurses wrapped baby up and gave her to Bethany and Phillip.  Together, the let me see her as I was still being stitched up (or having tubes removed, who knows).  The nurses took pictures of us and I just enjoyed watching Bethany and Phillip dote over sweet Makenna for what seemed like hours.

Finally, they left and then I headed back to our room in L&D to join them.  Mom was in there and it was so nice to be back and sitting up, taking things in again.  The nurses were tending to baby Makenna to my right and we were all chatting, over the moon for the miracle that had just taken place.  

Eventually, Bethany, Phillip, and Makenna went upstairs to their room in the MIU.  I would be on my way eventually.  I was just awaiting transportation.  They probably got up there an hour or two before me.  Mom stayed with me that entire time.  Becca, my fried from home that is also the manager of the MIU, came down and sat with me and Mom for a while, too.  We reminisced about Ricky, talked about the delivery, and just caught up.  That was nice, especially because there would not be any additional visitors the rest of the stay.  

I was so ready to get to my room and order something to eat.  Once we got upstairs, I started texting those on my list that needed to be informed and was trying to get a little rest at the same time.  I ordered a hummus plate and a personal mushroom pizza from room service.  I'd eat anything, but that sounded really good to me. 

The epidural is still holding strong.  The only side effect I seem to have right now is itching.  Almost all over.  It started during surgery with my nose to which I was told it was normal.  Now, my itching seems to be all over.  The nurse just gave me some meds for that and Mom and I are taking it easy.  Bethany and Phillip should be coming over shortly to visit.  I can't wait!

For Makenna, I have prayed.

surgery prep

The nurse finally got my IV in to administer the normal antibiotics and fluids to prepare for surgery.  She got the heartbeat monitor on my belly and little girl still has a strong heartbeat.  The first IV try didn't go so well and I have a big contusion starting to develop on the inside of my right arm.  No big deal.  I think it was my fault as I have not been eating/drinking like I should and I am pretty sure I am dehydrated.  Just getting the needle through the skin was tough!

Phillip was up and waiting in the Mother Infant Unit to meet the baby when the time comes.  Mom and I had explained everything a million times to the nurse and the anesthesiologist that came in to go over the epidural.  Mom wasn't letting down - she told everyone that it has been an awful week of Ricky's death on top of 6 years of trying badly for Bethany and Phillip to have a baby so we needed both of them in the delivery room if at all possible.

The anesthesiologist said that she was okay with it (it is her decision) and she would confirm with her attending physician before saying yes.  Finally, we got the yes we were looking for!  Praise God!  Phillip came down to be with us the remainder of the time before surgery.  

The nurse asked if I had shaved my vagina recently and I said I hadn't.  So, she asked Bethany and Mom to leave the room so that she could do that.  Once she took a peek, she said that I didn't need any shaving and everyone was allowed back in.  It wasn't long before I had to say goodbye to mom and was taken back to the operating room.  Giving Mom a hug was difficult, but we managed.  Meanwhile, Bethany and Phillip were to scrub up and prepare for once the epidural was in.

the big day

This morning has gone par for the course lately.  It is pretty rainy so we didn't go for a walk this morning before school.  We were in the car and ready to drop of the kids right at 730.  There was an accident on the interstate so we weren't able to get here at 8 as we had hoped.  On the way, the school called and said that Meade had a fever.  Okay, Jacob was just dropping us off, so he would have to go straight back to school and grab her for the rest of the day.  I let the nurse know that Jacob would be there as soon as possible.

As we finished the drive in, I sent a couple of happy birthday messages and tried to respond to a million other messages - I have gotten so far behind.  Plus, reading all of the thoughtful messages makes me a little weepy.  I then got a voicemail from the school.  One of Gregory's teachers from last year had gone into the nurse's office and let her know about why we were headed to the hospital and the nurse was calling to say not to rush.  They would keep Meade in the clinic as long as possible.  So nice of them!  

Jacob dropped Mom and I off and we headed up to L&D.  It was a bit of a clusterfuck getting checked in.  They had no idea why I was there so early.  COVID test!  And, they had me sign a litany of forms.  When I kept signing, I had to ask about some of them.  They said one set is for me and one set is for the baby.  I then told them that it was not my baby and I was not to sign those.  Apparently, even though the manager was informed of our situation, that information never got passed along to those at the front desk.  Finally, they got that straight - what a pain in the ass!

The sweet nurse came out and asked me several questions and then took me back to our L&D room.  Mom and I sat in there for a while, we got the COVID test done finally, and I have just pulled out note cards to start writing some thank you notes.  Bethany just got here so I am putting those aside and the three of us will continue to chat until everyone is ready for the next steps.

pre-op

I had been waiting all week to hear from VCU to schedule my pre-op appointment.  I knew I needed to get that iodine stuff to shower with, my COVID test, and other stuff I wasn't quite sure of.  Nor did I know what time I needed to be there.  Surgery was scheduled for 12:30 and I assumed I needed to be there early? Since I hadn't heard anything, I called them this morning.  The nurses line told me to call the L&D department.  I called them and the lady was super sweet and couldn't figure out why I hadn't been called.  In her words "everyone else on the list is crossed off, I am not sure why she didn't call you, too."

She told me that I needed to come in today for the COVID test.  I was proud of myself when I said, no.  I cannot.  I cannot do one more thing today and you all will have to work with what you've got, just like if I had gone into labor on my own and simply presented at L&D without being on the schedule.  She understood and told me to be there at 1030.

Mom and Dad are coming this evening.  Dad will drop Mom off to be here with me through the next couple of weeks.  I desperately want to see them - in my own home, without a million other people.  My friend, Becca, that has helped me facilitate a lot of the logistical things for the birth reached out and told me to be there by 8-830 so that they could get a rapid COVID test done for me prior to surgery.  Not a problem.  Jacob and I will just drop the kids off at school and head that way.

I am so ready for this physically, but I am not sure my emotions are ready.  We have worked so hard for so long.  Amidst everything else, we need to celebrate this little girl and this family that we are making!

an ode to Ricky

I thought I would share what I read to the congregation last night.  If you didn't know Ricky, please meet him:

I cannot thank you all enough for being here today to celebrate Ricky.  He was one of a kind for sure.  The outpouring of love and prayers for peace and strength at this time has been noticed and we are all very appreciative.  My mom has asked for us to share some fun stories of Ricky and I thought I would start us off.

A little disclaimer – Ricky was – Ricky – reckless Rick.  If we are going to be uplifted tonight and celebrate him as he deserves, there will be some colorful language and inappropriate stories, but those memories that we are willing to share is what will help each of us through this life without him.  To my great aunts and others in attendance, please do not be offended by any of this, just know that this is what Ricky would have wanted and this is the ultimate respect for him.

As a child, Ricky was a dreamer.  He thought he could fib his way through anything.  He’d come home from school with stories that my parents always refer to as the “snake stories.” I think it was coined that because he had to tell my parents one afternoon that he saved a friend, a girl, from an awful snake on the playground.  Doubtful, but he was proud of himself nonetheless!

Then, there was that time that he and I were playing red light green light in the driveway.  Of course, I was the annoying kid sister and I must’ve said red light too quickly for him to stop.  I went inside screaming to tattle about him running over with his bike.  My parents were easily over the bickering and dismissed me, telling me to get back outside and play while Ricky was there screaming he hadn’t done anything.  As I turned to walk away upset, my parents noticed the muddy, knobby tire prints all the way up the back of my jumper.  He couldn’t fib his way out of that one.

Then, there was that time that he was playing with fire, literally, and caught a quarter of the backyard on fire, thanks to boyscouts and lots of pine needles.  He was always thinking ahead. In college, while tailgating for a football game at JMU, our keg was about to run out.  I saw Ricky leave in a taxi not knowing what was going on, only to see him return in that same taxi about 15 minutes later with a new, full keg.  That’s just who he was.  He wanted to keep the party going!

Throughout his short life, he had a weak stomach.  I distinctly remember hearing him scream one night.  We all went into his room and Katie, who was sleeping on the top bunk was ill, puking all over him in the perpendicular bottom bunk.  When he moved in with our grandfather last year, I reminded him how anytime Art would close a bottle of something, like dressing, he would first lick the bottle top – I thought Ricky was going to puke right there.  

Boy was Ricky clumsy.  Time after time, I remember saying and hearing others say “you dumbass.”  When he was working with Hank building docks, Jimmy and Jamison were walking ahead of him, they were all carrying out pilons or boards.  Next thing they knew, Ricky was no where to be found.  But then there he was, stuck in the marsh mud.  Within the last year or two, I remember seeing a video of him trying to get out of a kayak and onto the dock only to have capsized and losing his flip flop in the muddy bottom.  If you couldn’t reach him, he’d probably lost his phone or ruined it, somehow.

Ricky was well known for sleep walking.  We’d wake up and find him peeing in the closet or down the stairs on more than one occasion.  His friends would create a bed for him on the floor and hope that he didn’t get up because lord knows what he’d get into.  Because of things like this, he was often referred to as a better “outside friend.”  I can’t tell you how many times he explained that he walked into the wrong apartment or hotel room during these sleep walking episodes.  While all very benign, he is lucky he didn’t get hurt or shot for this crap.  He was also known for ravaging the fridge during his late night sleeping escapades.  I can’t tell you how many times we had leftovers for supper the next day that were gone in the morning or half eaten and left out on the counter for the remainder of the night.  On top of that, who knows what kind of nasty concoctions he was coming up with because the sour cream, salsa, jelly, ranch, and other things were left out, too.  

Rick was the worst driver.  He was always distracted by something – his phone, someone in the car, a freaking corn field.  It didn’t matter.  It was terrifying to ride with him.  If you said anything he’d look at you like you were stupid and say what, I’m a great driver!  In the same vein, how many of us have asked him “when are you going to get your shit together?”  I can’t count the times he lost his wallet.  He was always doing the dumbest things that just made all of his take Ricky’s signature “what the hell face” and call him a dumbass.

Ricky had a heart bigger than most, sometimes to his own detriment.  He learned over the past couple of years that he was such a huge empath and struggled with how to control that.  If someone he knew was hurting or struggling, he couldn’t help but internalize that himself.  He’d go out of his way to help a friend or a stranger with anything but then not knowing how he’d pay his own bills the next day when he used all of his funds.  Talk about money, if it was in his pocket, he was spending it.  Another part of “reckless Rick.”

Over the last several years, Ricky and I became very close.  Before that, not so much – like the time in college he and Jimmy pressured me into smoking salvia.  Bad, bad, awful idea.  They thought it was hilarious until Dad got home from work and I was still a hysterical, blubbering mess.  I was really looking forward to getting high with him in a couple of weeks.  I mean, why not, it’s legal right?

Over the last couple of years when I got the crazy hair to carry a child for Bethany and Phillip, Ricky called daily to check in on me.  He walked in on me administering one of the small shots in my belly one morning and freaked out.  When I showed him the needle that went in my ass, I thought he might faint.  I knew he couldn’t handle it, but he always wanted to know what the next steps were.  Just to mess with him, I would tell him everything – vagina this, vagina that until he would be so sorry he inquired and I’d just laugh.  Initially, it was like he thought the stork would just kiss my belly button or something.  Throughout it all though, he was one of my biggest supporters through the roller coaster ride of COVID, the miscarriage and then failed transfer last year.  He couldn’t wait for this baby in my belly to be brought into this world.  If only he’d still be around Friday when we deliver this sweet baby girl, but I know Ricky and Katie will be up in heaven celebrating enough for all of us two days from now and she’ll have yet another angel to watch over her.

That brings me to remembering Uncle Ricky and his love for children.  It never wavered.  In my opinion he was often always trying to outdo the other adults.  Initially, he was Uncle Boom Boom to many because he’d always show up with fireworks to impress the kids.  Not to mention, he’d scare the shit out of his friends as he held and pointed lit roman candles at them.  He had to get the biggest, best gifts for the kids, ones that they never needed – but it is what made him happy.  Then, when he became a father, it just intensified.  He adored Renn with all of his being and wanted him to be the adventurous, nature loving, curious kid that he still was at heart.

While we will all miss him dearly, 711 will probably miss him the most.  Ricky kept that place in business but he got the rewards, so it was okay!

In all seriousness, I think it is important for everyone to know that while Ricky struggled intensely over the last couple of years, these last several weeks, he was happy.  He had started a new job in which his employer valued him and thought very highly of his work ethic.  Saturday night, he and dad had watched Notre Dame win together and all was right in the world as he passed in his sleep.  If it helps you find comfort in the darkest of times, he looked peaceful, even in death.  We can’t ask for much more than that.  And like he told Renn everyday, it is important that we start each morning intending to “play like a champion today.”

I invite anyone and everyone to stand, one at a time, and tell us something that will make you smile when you remember Ricky – screw being appropriate – instead will likely bring us all some joy.

In Ricky fashion, I will leave you with this (you may have gotten in text form from him last week if you were one of the lucky ones I wasn’t):  I can’t believe that after all that shit, they are back together. It gets juicy around these parts so of course you ask who.  And, his simple response is "my ass cheeks."

saying goodbye

In the middle of the night, I wrote the eulogy.  Good, bad, or ugly, it is what it is.  I hope that it enables others to be brave and get up and speak about Ricky.  Dr. C wrote me to send her condolences on the portal.  That was very sweet of her.  I responded that I had not heard from anyone on my pre-op appointment, but never did hear back from that message.

I went through the motions all morning.  Thank goodness that Nana came over and got Meade for the morning, since it is Wednesday and she didn't have school.  Mary Pat arrived around noon and it was difficult to see her at first.  We had a good cry and then kept getting everything straight.  MP would ride down and back with Jacob.  I had committed to getting to the funeral home a little early to see what else needed to be done at the last minute.

The drive down was tough.  I stopped at the dollar store in town to grab some gum and saw a good friend from home's grandmother.  She and I hugged in the line as we waited to check out and cried some more.  On to the funeral home I went.

Benjamin pulled me aside quickly to let me know that neither the medical examiner nor Ricky's primary care physician would sign the death certificate without more information.  Thus, specimens were taken to rule out anything other than natural causes.  My parents didn't necessarily want to know more and believed that the coroner that came to the house to suggest a stroke or heart attach was well in their hearts.  Benjamin wanted me to know and to tell my parents as needed.  The death certificates would say pending for now until toxicology comes back, which may take six months.  None of this matters, though.  He is gone.  He is at peace.

Before the viewing even started, people were piling in to pay their respects.  The most beautiful cards were printed by the Vincents and it is a nice keepsake for all of us to have.  Gosh, I can barely remember everyone that was there.  I desperately wanted to wear make up, but I knew it was a lost cause.  I was feeling okay - even almost forgetting I was pregnant.  My discomfort and fatigue went out the window as there was too much peripheral stuff to attend to.

My dad greeted people first, then mom, then me.  I think that Dad must've told everyone about the baby in my belly - he was so damned proud.  When people got to me, it was always a mix of emotions talking about both Ricky and baby.  People were so kind - even telling me how great I looked.  Hah - if only!  I probably hugged three hundred people before the service, many I hadn't seen in years and some of the closest, most dear friends I had.

It meant the world to me that Bethany, Phillip, Cheryl, Dan and Christen came.  Being in this journey so late in the game, I wasn't sure if they could handle it, but they did.  They went out of their way to be there for me.  I wish I could name all of the others that came and made a huge impact, but there are just too many.  

Benjamin had to come to us a few times and tell us we needed to speed things up.  For instance, if we had to greet 300 people and gave each of them just one minute, the visitation portion would take 5 hours.  I got it, but Dad was the one that needed to get the line moving better.  He's a talker, he couldn't help himself.

Finally, the line came to an end it was time to get the show on the road.  Several family members took some time to go out and smoke and I tried to gather my thoughts.  Little did I know that half of the congregation had been partying in the parking lot.  True to Ricky's style, for sure.  

Brandon started the service with a few words, a simple prayer and a beautiful song.  Then it was my turn.  As I faced the audience, I realized there were several people that never came through the receiving line, but were sitting among the guests.  I can't believe how many people were there for us to celebrate Ricky.  There were tons of people standing in the door ways.  I tried to let them know there were more seats available in a few spots so most of them were able to grab a seat. 

My talk was much easier considering a couple of his drunk friends, Jamison and Lance, were constantly adlibbing for all to hear.  It eased the mood and I was really thankful.  Staying true to what mom had wanted, we kept everything funny - even inappropriate at times - because that was most important.  My cousin Colin got up and spoke along with a lifelong friend and one of Ricky's coaches, Dianne, and his "big brother" in the TKE fraternity at Radford, Weyman.  

Everyone spoke eloquently and the stories that were told were perfect.  Once all of that was done, Brandon provided one more song and Benjamin stumbled through his tears to give the Benediction.  I can't imagine a better service to be honest.  Our family was ushered out to the ND fight song and I got tons more hugs outside as everyone dispersed.

Being from a small town, I had a call a day or two ago from Andy, a friend that now owns a small seafood storefront and pavilion with limited dining on the water.  He and his wife, Amber, wanted to offer the pavilion for friends and family to congregate after the service.  That was amazing of them.  I dropped off cookies for them to set out and asked them to also put out some of their chips and dips.   A few friends went in and purchased several pizzas for everyone and another friend brought a crock pot of meatballs.  

After a few minutes, my whole body started to hurt and I was physically and emotionally exhausted.  I spoke to a few people but couldn't muster any more small talk nor hugs.  I was done.  I said goodbye to mom and dad and did my best to make it out of there without any eye contact out of fear of having to chat or hug more.  I know that was awful of me, but I needed to get home.  

I drove back by myself.  I don't know if it was good or bad, but I was able to talk to God a little bit and keep in mind how proud Ricky was of me and this baby to be that we will meet in two days.  I was exhausted, but it was good to have that time alone.  I hope I'll be able to get some rest tonight.

foggy and sideways

In reference to the last post of having grace, I have to understand that my parents also need to do the same.  I need to realize that they cannot be here, even though mom said they would be.  Even though they have moved an hour from town, they are constantly receiving visitors, along with all of the meals and offers of condolence.  It hurts to be alone, but I don't want to be with anyone else.

When I couldn't stand myself anymore and the lonely thoughts, I reached out to my aunt and asked her to just be with me - we could do puzzles, or anything really, but I didn't want to be alone.

A couple of Ricky's best friends reached out to ask if they could visit me this afternoon.  That would be lovely, of course.  Apparently, they were going to go to my parents and instead, my parents asked them to be with me.  My cousin was also flying in from Columbus and also wanted to stop by on his way to his parents house from the airport.  This was all good.  We could reminisce and simply hug one another.

Alison came and just sat with me.  We didn't need to say much, but being together was beyond helpful.  Jimmy and Jamison showed up and while it was difficult at first, we told stories and remembered Ricky as he would want to be remembered.  My cousin, Colin, stopped by and the stories continued.  I tried to write many things down so that I could use them as I spoke at the service.  I desperately needed to gather my thoughts and start writing what I planned to say.

After a while, I was simply exhausted and welcomed that they had to leave.  I needed to focus on the kids and try to have some normalcy in our evening routine.  It all fucking stinks, but somehow, some way, we will figure everything out and be okay - Ricky wouldn't want it any other way.

a rainbow bouquet

As my aunt and I sat at the puzzle this afternoon, a delivery came.  I could tell it was flowers by the box and Alison opened it and put it in the vase.  It was so beautiful - two dozen roses, all different colors.  It really was one of the most stunning flower arrangements I had ever seen.  When I read the note, it took me back:

I don't know too many people in life that actually get to experience a miracle.  But because of YOU, many now will!!!  BIG HUG!!  - Faith

Faith is a friend that I have started working with this year.  She is up in Ohio, but we talk regularly for work things that often spills into our personal worlds.  We were on the same team for the month of August, but with the latest re-org, we are no longer.

These little acts of kindness go a long way.  I love, too, that this is all about the upcoming baby, not about our recent loss.

having grace

The outpouring of thoughts, prayers, love, and support my family is experiencing right now is immeasurable.  I can't even get on Facebook to receive what friends are saying because it makes me too upset and I am trying to keep my shit together.

This morning, as the kids and I walked the normal loop before school, I asked "the ladies" that we see every morning to hold us all in prayer as we figure out life without Ricky.  They couldn't believe the news but were all willing to pray for us.  Then, sweet Mrs. Sally walked by.  She told me something that I have taken to heart.  She gave me a big hug and simply told me to "have grace with yourself."  I don't think I fully understood this notion until I started thinking about it and even looked it up.  

I am going to strive to live these next few days, giving myself grace - allowing myself to feel, forgiving those that need to be forgiven, remembering that no one is perfect, and passing no judgement.  This will be difficult as the emotions are all over the place, but I am willing to try.

dazed and confused

I tried to start the day like any other - taking the kids to school and working.  To ensure the kids would be taken care of, I reached out to both of their teachers (and Gregory's teacher from last year) to let them know what was going on and to call me should anything go awry.  I logged on the computer and started cancelling my meetings for the week.  I was going to try to work a little bit and log on for important meetings, but I couldn't get through the morning call so knew I needed to just bite the bullet and take a day of PTO plus the three days of bereavement to get me through to my leave of absence, already scheduled for Friday.

As much as I had hoped to deliver before Friday, now I was talking to this little girl to stay with me until then.  

What is the worst is not being able to be with my parents at this time.  I feel stupid saying this, but all I want and what I desperately need right now is to be with my Mom and Dad.  I texted them this morning stating as much and said I couldn't do another day by myself, begging them to come tomorrow.  Mom said she would make it happen.

I went through all the motions and met Mom and Dad at the funeral home to start working on arrangements.  Bless Benjamin - one of the sons of the funeral home family.  He was the one that picked up the body and was leading us through the funeral process.  I know it was hard on him as he was a great friend of Ricky's.  They had been friends since childhood.  Ricky was in his wedding many moons ago.  In fact, he is the friend that sat Rick down a couple of years ago to give the devastating blow that Ricky's wife was having an extramarital affair, with his dear friend nonetheless.

Benjamin was all business.  He couldn't have been anymore professional, as is the rest of the family and the others that also work at the funeral home.  Ricky will tell you that they used to play hide and seek in the funeral home and he was easily spooked.  The Vincents are like a second family to us.  

I asked to have the services as soon as possible.  Thursday was suggested, but I asked for Wednesday instead due to potentially going into labor.  They obliged with no problem at all.  Mom had asked for nothing somber but to have a service that was funny and true to Rick's style.  I was bound and determined to make that happen.  Instead of a preacher, Benjamin asked another friend of theirs from high school to play music and lead the service, to which he was happy to do.  I decided I would give a eulogy of sorts, inappropriate and all, to prime others to get up and speak.  After all, if they were going to be funny stories, they would likely have colorful language and memorialize activities that are less than stellar.  

I was able to go into the parlor where Ricky was laid out with a beautiful quilt atop of him.  He looked so damned peaceful.  I am beyond thankful that I got to see him like that, before cremation.  My heart needed that memory.  I held it together pretty well while we were there, even as my nephew went in to see him one final time.  

I made it home not knowing what to do or where to go next.  My house was a wreck and I immediately asked my friend Kristi if she could come and help me clean.  I knew people would be visiting and it would simply help me feel better to have a clean home to welcome others in.  She had no problem doing so and even sent her daughter to start the vacuuming before she could get here from her work day.  They were both amazing.

Our friend, Melissa - which I spent a few minutes with last night - was already scheduled to bring supper to us.  She came over and we sat and chatted, again a really nice time to be with someone from home that knew Ricky.

Jacob helped me bring several large boxes up from the basement (that had not been emptied from the move) of pictures and albums.  I went through each of those grabbing pictures of Ricky that we could use for the slideshow on the TV in the funeral home as we greeted guests before the memorial.  This shit is so time consuming.  I reached out to a friend, one of the kids' old preschool teachers, and asked if she'd come help me take pictures of those pictures so that I could easily upload them.  

Everyone says to reach out for anything.  I was doing my best to lean on others in hopes that I could take some of the stress away from me.  It seemed to be working stress-wise, but never took any of the pain away.  Although, it was brief diversions from the pain here and there, which helped.

I thought about the service and what we needed but couldn't muster the strength to figure it out much.  I sat at the puzzle table trying to clear my mind much of the evening.  Supper from our friends was delicious.  They even offered to bring the kids back from the visitation at the funeral home if we didn't want them staying for the service.  That offered me a great deal of peace - what a perfect idea.

I got in bed later than normal and was able to fall asleep, yet that only lasted for a few hours.  I have been back up now for a couple of hours and am waiting for the sun to rise and get the day going in a couple more.  Ugh, grief is miserable.  I am so sorry my children have to go through this.  My parents have to experience it again.  All of his friends are reeling.  I do know that time will help, but fuck, what do I do with myself right now?  All I can strive to do is to be as healthy as possible for this little baby I am growing.  She is my priority, which helps me to take care of myself during this devastation.

lovely birthday, until it wasn't

Bear with me, this one will be long and difficult to relive...

While I was exhausted from the night before of awful diarrhea, I got up, got dressed, put on make up and was ready to have Maria take me down to Chesterfield so that I could see Cheryl and Steve's house and walk over to the Boathouse for brunch.  I can handle anything for a few hours, right?  I had actually agreed to going to brunch, hoping that I'd be in the hospital.  I knew I'd be tired, but not this tired.  Still, I was happy to be celebrated.  After all, you only turn 38 once!  And, I never expected to be expecting at 38 either - knowing me, that is a feat in itself!

Cheryl and Steve's home is beautiful and perfect.  It is situated right on the Swift Creek Reservoir, with only a thin stretch of golf course between the house and the water.  It was a nice surprise that Christen was joining us.  I must admit that I was a little sad that Bethany wasn't, but her priority was her new home and I got it.  Christen came in with beautiful flowers and cupcakes for me to take home to celebrate with the children.  Maria gave me a really nice card with a save the date to have a meal at the Jefferson together during the holiday season.  Cheryl and Steve gave me the most gorgeous bracelet with an opal that signified both my and the baby-to-be's birthstone that we will share.

Brunch was amazing!  We sat outside on the deck overlooking the water with a heater blowing on us in case the elements were a bit chilly.  The experience was a little strange for me.  You had to order via the QR code on your phone and it was very impersonal.  Not that it mattered, being there and sharing time with Cheryl, Maria, and Christen was enough socializing for me.  I got a Chesapeake omelet and it did not disappoint!  I must've been talking way too much because I was eating well after everyone else - I didn't want anything to go to waste, it was so damned good!  We were stuffed so dessert was unnecessary.

We walked back to Cheryl's house and the weather was perfect.  It was beautiful out - comfortable in long sleeves and the sun shining like no other.  We sat and chatted for a few minutes before Steve and Cheryl loaded up a cooler with a couple more meals for my family and then Maria and I were off to deliver something to Bethany and Phillip.  It was nice to see their lovely home.  It was perfect.  Also, obvious that they still had a long way to go in unpacking and organizing.  I am so glad she did not go to brunch - her attention was needed much more at home.  

Bethany and Phillip gave me the best present, ever, too!  A puzzle table!  The one that has small legs that you can have with you while in bed or you can have it flat on a table and little drawers that slide out.  I saw one at a house we put an offer on in the spring and it was amazing.  I didn't feel like I could splurge on the buy myself and I am glad I didn't.  Along with the table, they also got me a puzzle.  

Maria and I rode back to my house.  We talked about many many things on the ride home and I texted Jacob to let him know that we needed to unload the cooler upon arrival so she could take it back for Cheryl and Steve.  When we approached the house, I noticed my uncle's car on the street.  

Jacob and I took the cooler in and unloaded it quickly so that we could let Maria get back to her day.  I asked where Charles (my uncle) was and Jacob said he was outside with Alison (my aunt), also known as Aunt and Uncle Shug to the children.  Once Maria left, I went out in the garage.  I didn't hear the children so asked where they were.  Jacob said that Nana came and got them for a little bit.  That was nice, but strange.  

I sat down and Alison said, "We have something to tell you."  I have no idea why, but honest to goodness, the first thing that came out of my mouth was "Ricky is dead?"  This is when my world stopped turning for the second time in my life.  October 24th, 2021 and June 10th, 2002 - the days that my siblings died.  I stand here now, at 38 years old, an only (living) child to my parents.

I started to get upset and asked what, why, how, where are mom and dad, etc.  Not much was known.  The coroner expects a heart attack or stroke.  He never woke up this morning.  I was on the phone with Mom this morning when Maria came to get me and she specifically mentioned that they were letting Ricky sleep in because he had been working hellacious hours recently and they were up late, happily watching Notre Dame win.  

All I wanted was my parents.  But they couldn't go anywhere.  I couldn't go to them - it was too far from the hospital.  This was the hardest part of it all.  I just wanted to be with my mom and dad.  Dad had found Rick.  No parent should have to go through losing a child, much less twice.  I remember walking out in the driveway by myself for a little bit, trying to hold my emotions, asking God why.  I came back quickly and tried to figure out my next steps.  Now what?

Apparently, Benjamin had recently come and gotten the body and we were set to meet at the funeral home at 12:30 tomorrow.  I wanted to see him before he was cremated.  Mom and Dad had differing opinions on when he was being cremated so Alison called the funeral home to confirm that I could see him tomorrow afternoon.  Alison also called the MD on call with the OB to let them know what was going on and if any additional precautions needed to take place for pregnancy purposes.  Everything for me and baby remained the same, but if there were thoughts of me hurting myself to call 911 immediately.  Of course.  Ugh, can't one just go through life without the bullshit of everyone having to protect themselves from insane liability?

Alison and Charles left.  Nana was set to bring the children back around 4.  I didn't know what to do, where to go, or how to focus.  I texted my friend, Kristi, immediately.  It is her day of Sabbath, and while I mentioned that I told her I needed her and asked if she could go on a little walk with me.  She was here in ten minutes - she had already dropped off a cake and some beautiful potted roses for my birthday.  

Kristi was in shock as much as the rest of us were.  We walked down the street, as far as I could handle, and back.  It was so difficult.  We talked a little, as much as I could muster.  The wonderful thing about Kristi is how she listens, but more importantly how she knows when no words are necessary.

I sat out on the front porch and rocked by myself for what seemed like hours, more like maybe 30 minutes until Nana arrived with Gregory and Meade.  Telling them was going to be really difficult.  Nana gave me a huge hug and offered to help in any way possible.  The kids were playing in the front yard and it was tough to get them inside so that we could have the devastating conversation.

We sat them down.  Jacob was already in tears.  I was trying to keep my shit together, but couldn't do it either.  I finally said that Uncle Ricky had died and gone to heaven.  As my tears flowed, poor Gregory broke.  He was so sad.  Meade, being Meade, said "I'm a big girl - I'm not crying."  It was then that we said it is okay to cry and it is okay to be sad.  

Jacob did everything around the house.  He took care of the kids and I didn't know which end was up.  Around 6, I didn't know what to do, so decided to go for a walk and clear my head.  I almost immediately ran into a few neighbors and asked them that if they were the praying type to please keep us in their prayers.  Sweet Mrs. Sally gave me the biggest hug and we got teary together.  

I reached out to a friend from home that lives in the next neighborhood, about a mile away.  I set out on a a mission to just get a hug from home.  She was so kind to say she would meet me, but I wouldn't have that.  I wanted the exercise and just needed to sit for a few minutes and chat.  She graduated with Ricky.  

Together, we hugged and sat out on her front stoop just chatting about nothing.  I didn't get too emotional, still numb I think.  Finally, I had to head back.  It was getting dark and I didn't have a flashlight.  It wasn't a big deal except for the small stretch along Studley Road.  I walked the rest of the neighborhood in almost pitch black - it was good for my soul.

I walked around like a zombie, calling a few family members to let them know what was going on - our Fogarty cousins in Baltimore and then Carla at home.  Bethany was my first call, though.  I needed to let them know that I was going to be okay and that their baby was my first priority through all of this.   I tried a couple of his friends, but it was obvious that they knew before I did.  Word gets around quickly in that stupid town and I was a little bitter that everyone else knew that Ricky was dead before I did - I am his fucking sister.  I also had to take into consideration that Mom and Dad were protecting me and my time this morning and had asked Jacob not to say anything until I returned home.  I get it, still frustrating nonetheless.

I was a zombie the rest of the evening.  I did the best I could to respond to texts and calls as much as my heart could handle.  Sleep wasn't happening so I came downstairs to work on a puzzle through my tears.  I'm not getting much done.  Especially, now, since Gregory is down here with me and crying beside me.  I begged him to go back to bed, but he preferred the couch and we have been sitting together silently in the dark.  

God's timing is best.  While I prayed and prayed to share my birthday with my belly buddy, God had other plans.  Now, I pray that I will be able to make it through the arrangements and all that the week has in store for us without going into labor, but to make it to Friday.

I am heartbroken.

labor pains?

If only.  I was up all night, texting Bethany and Phillip and I even called the labor and delivery unit.  Basically, I was having awful, awful pains.  I couldn't tell if they were diarrhea cramps or labor.  The pain was that awful.  Then, I spent what felt an eternity going back and forth to the bathroom.  The cramps were awful.  The lady with L&D over at VCU told me to take a shower and still clock the "contractions" which ended up just being awful stomach cramps.  Who knows what in the hell is going on, but I have also been told that feeling sick could be a sign of labor coming on.  One can hope, right?

I was able to fall asleep after a while with no more pains.  I am exhausted and looking forward to brunch in a little bit - still hoping I sporadically go into labor today!

spooky times

Since I haven't delivered yet, I figured I would do my best to enjoy the Halloween season with the children.  Last night we took the kids to the Trunk or Treat at Burkwood.  Several friends joined us and while Jacob took the kids around to get their loot, I stayed at the car and handed out candy to all of the other kids - I love doing that.  We got to see friends we hadn't seen in a while and the whole night was really nice.

After Gregory's soccer game this morning, I decided Jacob needed a little break and took the kids over to the local church to attend their Fall Festival.  Gregory and Meade had a blast.  They both won a cake in the cake walk - which they were excited to pick out my birthday cake for tomorrow.  They got to jump in the bounce house, go down the bounce house slide, do more trunk or treating and even had a hay ride.  It is safe to say that they had a blast and were well stocked with more candy than they will ever need!

I'll go to bed tonight praying that maybe we will go into labor on our own and have this baby tomorrow.  Only time will tell.  If not, I am going to make the best of it and enjoy a brunch at the Boathouse with Bethany and Phillip's mothers and then enjoy a birthday supper with my parents and Ricky that are coming up in the afternoon.  

We are all beyond blessed.

no dice

Phillip and Bethany went with me today to my last ultrasound.  My hope was that we would see that there was a lack of fluid or something to indicate we would need to deliver sooner rather than later.  That was really selfish of me because Bethany and Phillip really needed time to continue to unpack and get situated within their new home.

Even though I was a little disappointed, baby girl looks perfect and so does the pregnancy.  There was no need to go in for surgery earlier than planned.  God has me waiting on pins and needles for this beautiful day to come and we will be here when it is His time to meet this sweet girl.  The ultrasound tech also did a little bit of the 3D scan and gave Bethany and Phillip a couple of pictures.  Although not perfect due to the anterior placenta, they were more than we had been able to see in the past.  

After the ultrasound, we sat waiting for Dr. C and her nurse Charity is just as pleasant and amazing as always.  She noted that Phillip's face was so sad when he was told he couldn't come back.  Charity came back to us a few minutes later and said that she told her coordinator that dad needed to be in the room and that she was bringing in an additional chair as well as Phillip.  How nice!  That exceeded all expectations for our appointment today.  

I still hope that maybe we will need to go in this weekend for delivery, maybe even on Sunday - my birthday.  What a lovely event to share with this gal for the rest of my life!  One can hope, right?

a new community

When people ask about our new house, I am quick to say that I miss the old one.  While I do, I am learning that God put is right where we needed to be.  This new home isn't as much about the dwelling as it is the community that now surrounds us.  Even though we lived super close and in the same neighborhood for the last five years, we weren't in a spot that was conducive to get to know the neighbors and just chat on the street.

The kids have found so many wonderful people that we must talk to each day.  I had to ask Gregory yesterday who Mimi was and he said our next door neighbor had asked the children to call her Mimi from here on out.  I am telling you, that is just the way it is around here.  One gentleman walks when we go out for our little walk before school and he is just a good friend.  Retired and knows my uncle from his time with Henrico schools, Mr. Bruce is always checking in on the children and asking us what we may need.  His wife and five other ladies, or "the ladies" to the kids, are always a two minute stop to chat and let the kids pet the dogs or give them treats each morning on the walk.  Everyday they are asking how I am feeling if I need anything.  

Another sweet, sweet lady that lives a few houses down we often see with her dog that the kids adore.  She gave us her phone number a few weeks ago should we need anything at all and last week she told us she would be bringing supper tonight.  I was blown away and when I told her she didn't need to do that, she laughed and said I don't cook but the Fresh Market has the best suppers on Tuesdays.  

Sure enough, Mrs. Sally came over with a delicious meal that we all enjoyed but more than that, just the fact that she thought of us and that I may need a break is more than I ever could have imagined.  She has told me multiple times to call in a pinch and send the kids down to play because she enjoys time with children.  

All of these new neighbors, now friends, are just amazing.  I never realized that by moving to the back of the neighborhood would be so much more than a bigger house with a couple of upgrades we had been looking for.  

I am so appreciative for this new community and the fact that I slept well last night.  I have had a great day, even though I didn't go for my early walk.  I have felt like a new person and I can't ask for much more than that.  I'm definitely ready to get the show on the road but the days will be much more bearable if they keep coming as it did today.  

signs of labor?

All night long last night, I thought for sure that this was it.  I was timing contractions between 15 and 20 minutes apart from about 1130pm until about 2am when I finally was so uncomfortable I decided to get in the shower.  If it we were getting the show on the road, I might as well shave my legs and my arm pits - that's the nice thing to do, right?  Even though when I got out at 2:30, I decided a small dose of melatonin was necessary to get a teeny bit of sleep before starting my Monday.

Today has been pretty rough.  I didn't walk.  I am having often, yet inconsistent contractions.  I am pretty sure little girl has dropped because when she moves, instead of feeling it below my boobs, I literally feel it just above my vagina.  I am not sure which is worse other than the fact that I had pretty much gotten used to the higher movement.  

I thought it was only fair to text Bethany and Phillip and let them know I was struggling.  I was pretty sure, though, by that time, today would not be the day.  Even though I was still clocking contractions, my mind wasn't focused on them so if I was on meetings and such, they weren't as noticeable.  The entire day I have been struggling - just so tired.  I think that good sleep is like a miracle drug - I need it and when I don't get it, everything is off.  Thankfully, the day at work wasn't too difficult and soccer practice tonight was a nice diversion to it all.  I have to say, I am enjoying going to soccer events.  The few other moms there are so nice and the kids are such a great group that play really well together.  

I am so hopeful to get some good sleep this evening and start anew tomorrow!  Maybe I will even venture out in the 4 o'clock hour to get a walk in (not too likely).

so many suppers

I don't know what I would do without everyone rallying around us and providing meals so often.  Actually, I do know (because it happens all too often).  We will sit down for supper with bowls of cheerios or perhaps, one of my favorites, popcorn in front of the TV.  Why not?  I don't have the energy to care about a well balanced meals and the bonus is that I don't have to fight the children to eat healthy!  Win, win.  Not really, but they are fed and that is all that matters.  

Recently, Steve and Cheryl have brought over several meals.  David and Maria a couple different ones and when my aunt helped with Meade one Wednesday recently, they made supper for us, too.  Beyond not having to think about what to make or preparing it, Jacob said I am less cranky when someone else brings supper.  Win for him!  Maybe if he got in the kitchen and helped on days that I didn't have a clue of what to do, I'd be less cranky!

I really am humbled by everyone's kindness as we get closer day by day!

i just want to pee!

All week, it seems as though I have to pee all the time - every pregnant person can identify with that.  The issue is that when I try, I might only get a few drops out.  It is as if the baby is sitting on the valve that would release the urine from the bladder.  I have no idea if that make sense but that is the way my brain works.  I was up half of the night thinking I just wish I could go to the doctor and get a foley for them to empty my bladder and let me go on my way.  

I tried.  I emailed them to see if this was an option.  The nurse came back with a litany of questions to try to rule out a UTI or who knows what else.  I haven't had any pain, just the inability to go.  They asked me to come in for a urinalysis just in case, which I did.  The early indications showed no bacteria, which is great.  It did show a good amount of sugar, to which the NP that I saw asked about what I had eaten that day.  Oh, how embarrassing!  Normally, four out of five days a week I can say that I ate really healthy and even had a salad for lunch.  Well, not today!  I had to be honest.  I was mortified to tell her that I had Bojangles for breakfast and leftover Chinese for lunch.  Yep, it happened.  Not often, but today was bad.  I had to own it in case there were other issues.  Apparently, all of the carbs from that was a reason that there was a high sugar content in the little bit of pee I was able to expel.

Beyond that, there was nothing that they could do other than tell me to lift my belly when I sat down to pee.  I used to pee great in the shower, but even that hasn't worked well lately.  We shall see what lifting the belly does - I just hope I get some relief soon!

status quo

There's not much to say, other than the fact that I am tired and uncomfortable.  Who isn't at this stage of the game?  I try not to complain too much and be cognizant of my cranky level so I can turn it back a little bit.  Or, sometimes, I just say screw it and let it fly because the people around me do such stupid things it takes my cranky to a whole new extreme!

All is going well.  I can't believe we have less than three weeks left!  Even in my cranky, tired, uncomfortable state, I still smile when I think about what is to come!

quick and easy appt

Even though we waited over an hour to see Dr. C today, it was a pretty quick appointment with no issues.  I will say it was strange to hear that the GBS, group B strep, test was positive.  I have not had this with either of my children so it was a bit of a surprise.  The good news is that the bacteria really can only effect the baby if they are premature (which we are just a few days away from full term).  Also, the fact that we are planning a cesarean the baby will not go through the vaginal canal so there is even less of a chance of exposure to the bacteria.  

Apparently, this is normal in about 30% of the population. I was told that the vagina is a breeding ground for bacteria and this is one of them.  Even though I haven't experienced bit before, I am not going to stress over it.  The only thing here is that Bethany and Phillip need to let the pediatrician know that I was positive so that if they need to run tests or if there are any health issues with baby they are aware of this up front.

Unfortunately, I have gained almost 10 pounds in two weeks.  Ugh.  Another reason I want to deliver sooner rather than later.  I know this is due to several things - not walking as much, having less self control for eating anything and everything, swelling due to this stage of pregnancy, having to pee all of the time but only able to pass drops if I am lucky, etc. Dr. C is very pleased with everything at this time and we will keep trudging along!  My prayer is to go a little early, but not until next week after Bethany and Phillip move down to Chesterfield.  Once that is done, and hopefully they are able to settle in a little bit, I think it is fair game.  Although this little girl makes that decision and we will take what we can get as long as we both are healthy!

It was a little odd to go to the appointment alone today.  Bethany and Phillip were able to be there via phone, but I am so used to having someone tag along.  It was strange at first, but since they were so backed up, I literally sat there without a phone in my hand and literally just checked out.  It was really nice not having to engage in conversation and relax a little bit.  Charity, Dr. C's assistant (who is really the most lovely, upbeat, sweetest girl) even mentioned how odd it was to be there by my lonesome. It ended up being just perfect!

time away

Jacob and I had scheduled a time to go down to my parents for a night just to get a change of scenery.  Gregory did not have a soccer game this weekend so it was basically the only weekend that would work.  It stinks that the weather has been rainy and windy, but that also meant that I could take it easy.  My parents don't let me lift a finger, which is always nice. Jacob could take it easy, too, which he desperately needed as well.  

I spent hours at the dining room table puzzling - we finished a 1000 piece yesterday and started a new one this morning.  I left dad to finish it and it was probably half done when we left before lunch time.  The kids were also exceptionally good listeners this weekend too, which helps a ton!  I have been feeling pretty good.  The braxton hicks are pretty much the norm these days but nothing consistent and no additional back pain, which to me would indicate it was more of real labor.  My dad even fixed my favorite homemade macaroni and cheese and I indulged way more than I should have.

All in all, it has been wonderful and the rest of the weekend will involve more time on the couch watching football.  Can't ask for much more than this!

slowing down

Y'all, my body can't keep up with my mind anymore.  I want to go, go, go, but I literally can't.  I am so used to constantly being up and doing that it bothers me that I simply can't do it all anymore.  Beyond that, physically, my body is getting more achy and uncomfortable.  My morning walks that had been 3.5-4.5 miles each morning are now 3 miles at most.  I am giving myself the grace to let it be, but it definitely takes a toll on the unspoken goals in my head.  

I am so ready for the weekend I don't know what to do.  Typically, I don't mind the work week, but my routine on the weekends lately has involved a couple of cat naps throughout the day and boy does my mind and body need those!  TGIF!  

painting some more

Today, I decided that I would try to paint my toes.  Yes, I am an idiot.  The last time I did this, it was before the shower and it went so well that I haven't needed to do a refresh just yet.  Even though Bethany and Phillip's dear friends got me a gift certificate to get my toes done, it is easier just to do it on my own verses find the time to step away and have someone else do it.  I figure I would save that for when I am on leave of absence from work, allowing myself to be pampered a little.

The difference between my personal pregnancies is night and day to now.  When carrying Gregory and Meade, at about 7 months, I could barely put my own socks on anymore and Jacob typically did it for me.  Here I am almost 9 months pregnant taking on the task of doing my toe nails.  I'm crazy.  I will say it was not as difficult as I expected.  I had to take several breaks - especially in getting the old paint off.  No wonder why it still looked pretty good - that stuff was a bear to remove!  

As I look at my toes now, they are pretty and the job is done.  There is a lot of residual paint all around the toes, but that will get taken care of in the shower.  What an accomplishment!  Woohoo!

therapy #2

I had another good session with Linda today.  I think it was obvious to her that I am doing better and figuring my difficult stuff out for now (much of which resolved on its own) and she was really respectful as not to dig deeper.  I told her that eventually, maybe we can look at other ways for me to evaluate my past and grow from it just to have more stability as I head into the future.  The fact that I am open to it is huge!  

We scheduled another session a couple of weeks out.  Just in case, I want to keep her around (ugh, that sounds awful).  God forbid I do not do well after delivery and it will be good to have her here as a resource to help me with the next part of this journey.

delivery dream

I had the strangest dream last night.  It literally confused me when I woke up.  I was in the delivery room, by myself.  I was with people I did not know.  Jacob was not in the picture.  It baffles me to write all of this.  When I figured it all out, I was having a baby although the baby was mine this time.  However, I had signed paperwork (and in the dream I had no memory of it, yet I was shown it and it was in fact my signature) to give the baby up for adoption.  

I only had one child at home and was not capable of taking care of another, apparently.  It was so strange in that I was basically all alone - there was no family around - and the fact that I had resigned myself to giving the baby up without a fight despite no memory of making that decision.  The most important thing I remember is that I was just so tired, it was hard to do anything other than let everyone else take care of it all and me just close my eyes.

Everything about the experience was impersonal in nature, just so weird.  All I could think was that I was making the couple there so very happy so I found solace in that.  Of course, all of the questions that everyone asks me often that I can cut off at the pass (how can you give up your child, will it be weird that your DNA is elsewhere, etc.) were running through my head.  Again, it was just exhausting and I didn't seem to care about much.

While it was extremely strange, it put into perspective how wonderful this journey has been.  I am so thankful to have all that I have - my children, my family, the extended family, friends, the multitude of support from so many on top of a nice home, job, etc. I am so very blessed.  More than that, this journey has allowed me to gain family via Bethany and Phillip and also just see the world differently.  I am so happy I woke up to realize what the real situation is and how lucky I am to be in this situation!

ready?

I feel as though I have been saying for a few weeks that I am ready.  Well, let me tell you, I can say it all day long but I am not.  I am ready for the discomfort to go away and for life to return to normal, but I am not ready to go through what it takes to get there just yet.  This morning, as I walked three miles by myself, I was having contractions.  Totally normal and this has been happening often during my walks.  Today was a little different.  Usually, my friend Kristi is with me and our conversation diverts my attention from the braxton hicks contractions.  Additionally, this time around my back was playing along and hurting pretty bad.  None of the contractions were consistent or for a long period of time.  They were almost constant and quick. 

For the most part, I didn't think I was going into labor, but the back pain was alarming me.  All of the braxton hicks up until this point haven't had any back issues associated, which is how I have been able to determine it was not real labor.  My mind raced the entire walk and I limited myself to a shorter walk.  

When I got home, I let Jacob know I was a little concerned but I would wait it out until I had my appointment later today, but that I was going to focus on preparing a little more than initially intended this early on.  In the shower, all back pain subsided and the contractions came less and less.  Prior to the appointment, the contractions had pretty much stopped and I was feeling well.  

After the morning routine and in between a couple of work meetings, I went upstairs and packed my hospital bag, just in case.  Frankly, it should have been done already.  Candidly, with both of our children, I never got a bag prepared in time and then I had to deal with whatever Jacob grabbed based on my recommendations.  He did just fine, but I figured it would save us the back and forth if we didn't have to do it during fire.  

Also, it came to mind, what will we do with the kids?  We can call Nana, but she is often pretty busy.  Of course we will call my parents but even if they jumped in the car at that moment, it would still take 1.5 hours for them to get here.  My aunt can probably jump in if necessary.  If we can get the kids home from school, we can always take them over to Kristi's to help until the next person could be on point to grab the kids and get the next part of the day's routine done.  I also need to work on creating notes so that people know what to pack for school, what the kids need to wear, what time is drop off/pick up and/or bus schedules on Wednesday.  Ah, so much to think about and I am NOT ready.  I repeat, I am not ready for this baby to come.  Plus, Bethany and Phillip aren't ready either.  They really need to get settled down for them after they move on the 16th before a baby comes into the mix.  

Our appointment with Dr. C went great!  Everything is on track.  Baby's heartbeat is good.  I gained more weight than I'd like to mention.  My belly growth is right on track.  My blood pressure is perfect.  She ended up getting the vaginal and anal swabs preemptively just in case so we know if I need to be on antibiotics for delivery.  To ease Bethany's mind, Dr. C also performed a vaginal exam just in case.  No dilation at the cervix at all.  She feels there is some thinning of the lining and the baby is right there and engaged.  This means nothing other than labor is not imminent today, most likely.  Bethany and I both asked several questions.  I am so thankful that Dr. C is so patient with us to answer everything and help us understand the protocol as things move forward quickly. Plus, Dr. C's assistant is just amazing.  Charity, she is so pleasant and literally makes everyone smile.  Bethany and I both wish we could bottle up her enthusiasm and zest for life and take it everywhere we go.  

A great day indeed, that started a little on edge.  Bethany and Phillip should have closed on their first home this afternoon, too!  Woohoo!  I selfishly cannot wait to have them so much closer!  

Now, time to get ready, just in case!

to jacob's surprise

Jacob and the children brought in a package this afternoon.  I had gotten into him a couple of weeks ago because he opened something from Amazon in front of the children, which happened to be a Santa gift (yes, I am crazy, but I am basically done with Christmas shopping).  His name is on all of the stuff coming from Amazon.  He told me he put a package in my chair.  Knowing I hadn't ordered anything, I was confused.  I went to take a look and noticed it wasn't from Amazon and will still addressed to him so I said that he needed to open it.  

Much to his surprise, it was a Justin Tucker Baltimore Ravens jersey.  To say this man was excited is a huge understatement.  Apparently, just the weekend before, Tucker had won the game for the team with a 60+ yard field goal.  (I could totally be wrong, I don't listen to all he says.)  Even though I had an inkling of where it came from, there was no message or anything with it.  He texted his brother and a few others asking if they had sent it - no dice.  

Behind the scenes, I sent a text to my cousin in Baltimore, Annie Rooney and asked her to reach out to Jacob letting him know he had something delivered today.  She did just that.  He was so excited to get the call from Rooney to say that she knows Jacob has been an integral part of this journey, even though his body is not in the  middle of it.  Therefore, he needs to be recognized, too.  It was so darned kind of her.

Earlier in the week, Rooney reached out to me to check in and see how things were, how far along, etc.  It was so nice of her and out of the blue.  My mom's cousins in Baltimore are extremely special to me and always have been - they have literally all always treated me kind of as a niece.  Jacob loves them just as much as I do - with the exception of the fact that they kiss on the lips all of the time, before COVID of course.  I made it known to Rooney that we needed nothing although my marriage may need a booster when all is said and done.  I told her that if she wanted to do something, make it all about Jacob.  She did not disappoint and I am not sure I can convey how happy Jacob was to get the jersey and the fact that he felt so darned special.  Win, win for all!!

Today, I have been feeling very sluggish and my body aches.  All to be expected, I cannot complain.  We did take the children over to my aunt and uncle's in Powhatan to say hi (it has been a while), see the chickens (there's only one left) and also go for a nature walk through the woods on their property.  It was a really nice time!  One thing I do love about the weekends is that I can tell the kids that I will do something, after a nap.  Laying on the couch downstairs proves to be amazing and the perfect spot for a quick snooze to re-energize me to play with the children.

I can't ask for much more than all I have in this crazy thing called life.  No day is easy, but everyday is an opportunity for growth and a means to find beauty in all that surrounds us.

value is power

It is no surprise that I have been having a difficult time emotionally.  I've dedicated myself to really work on that and change things in my control to be a healthier person for not just me but my family, too.  Something has started to click here lately and I am feeling better.  I can probably attribute it to many different things, but I think one of the most important is that I am beginning to feel valued at work again.

I started this new role at the beginning of August.  I am not sure if it took this long to prove myself or what, but I finally feel as if I am a contributor - not just a lump on a log in the wings.  The current person that I am supporting is extremely busy so I often wonder if she just didn't have the time to devote to my onboarding or if maybe she wasn't ready to start delegating anything to me.  Maybe she decided why would she waste time doing it now knowing that I would be going out on short term disability pretty soon?  There's no telling the catalyst to why I wasn't being used to my potential.

All that matters now is that I am being utilized as I was hired.  I am making an impact and helping to knock things off of the team's to do list, even it if it means that it may need to be refined with others down the road.  That doesn't matter.  Sometimes just having something on paper is an easier start than an overwhelming blank slate.

Had I not switched bosses just a few weeks into this role, I would have reached out sooner to the guy that hired me and asked what gives.  But, I was still trying to get a feel of the lady I support on top of the new leader to see what was going on and how I would integrate with the team.  My first 1/1 wasn't until almost three weeks in under the new boss and had I reached out to him initially, I was going to ask for release to start looking for a new job internally (we are supposed to satisfy a year in any given role).  I am glad I waited until that 1/1 a week or so ago to figure it all out in my mind.

My new leader was really receptive and while I didn't bash anyone, I did give some constructive feedback that can hopefully be helpful as other newbies join the team.  It is only fair to provide individuals with the materials and training they deserve to be successful verses twiddling thumbs on the sidelines.  I think that conversation also helped to set a great tone between me and my new boss, too.  I do feel as though I can reach out at anytime (not just during a scheduled 1/1) to voice concerns or talk through items that need to be brought to light.

All of this said, (I think) that my mood has drastically improved over the last week or so.  It is also a result of Jacob feeling better about himself, I am sure, and the fact that we aren't butting heads any time we are home together.  Sometimes we overlook how much our job really affects who we are and what we are going through.  I am so happy that I opted not to up my meds and give the counseling a go.  I don't think the counseling as made an impact yet - another session coming up this week - but I am trying to do it on my own verses relying on chemicals.  

Life is better when you feel valued - keep that in mind.  Don't forget to value those around you and make it be known, for no reason at all.

the most wonderful time of the year

I swear it is not just due to the fact that October is my birthday month, but October is by far my favorite.  Cool and crisp mornings return - I can begin wearing sweaters again plus outside exercise is bearable.  Weekends are inundated with football watching.  Normalcy has returned and routines of school are back in action. Nature is beaming with beauty.  Pumpkin picking and decorating is the norm.  Life just seems better as fall takes shape and October makes it happen.

Okay, yes, my birthday is in October, but I don't count that.  It is just another day among all of the greatness that this month brings.  The most special part about October of this year is what is to come.  Sometime in the next 29 days, Bethany and Phillip will be parents.  A beautiful little girl will be spoiled by grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, etc.  A dream that once seemed unattainable will be realized. My purpose in life over these last two years will be fulfilled.  

I had to take a small break from writing this because it got me all teary.  Look at all of the amazing we have to look forward to over the next several weeks.  So many cries, set backs, defeats, shots, pills, suppositories, times of heartache, procedures, lab tests, etc. will be forgotten because every one of them was overcome in an effort to be where we are right here, right now.  God put is here at this very moment, giving us perspective we probably never wanted to experience, but that we needed to be humbled as we move throughout life.  God is giving the most beautiful gift, at the perfect time - this October - for all of us to love and adore.  

Anne of Green Gables, one of my childhood favorites, says it best: