keeping the faith

Y'all, my faith has been tested over the last few days.  I have been so positive throughout this whole journey and I have to keep that optimism and know that the recent hiccup is just another speed bump on this road.  I continue to pray and God keeps telling me that everything is going to be just fine.  I am trusting what he is telling me.

I swear, I have never in my life felt so connected to spirit.  The relationship with God in my heart is stronger than it has ever been.  I am thankful for that.

While I not ready to share the the current issue publicly, I will in due time, once everything is smoothed over.  I have shared what is going on with Bethany and have ensured her that I am still fully invested in this journey and 110% committed.

On a brighter note, at my weigh in this morning, I lost three more pounds.  I am down to 220 - 20 more to go for the mock cycle and 30 more total for transfer!  To top it off, I had a lovely off-site work meeting with a lady that has been a shining light in my life and career over the last decade.  She truly inspires me and has been one to teach me to trust my faith and to listen to God.  This beautiful soul is one of the reasons that I made this "offer."

When I was at Westminster Canterbury last week, I bought a few children's books at their thrift sale.  I saw this book and read it just now.  It has given me everything I need:

"There are times when I worry about what might happen next and what happened before.  The thoughts in my head are like rushing water, and I feel like a boat with no anchor...being carried away.  I give myself a moment.  I take a breath.  And then I tell myself: It's alright.  I feel the ground beneath my feet and steady myself and start to notice the HERE and the NOW.  My thoughts begin to settle.  My mind begins to clear.  I am Peace.  I can watch my worries gently pop and disappear.  I let thing go.  I can say what I feel inside out loud.  I know myself.  I can share kindness with others.  I make a difference.  I can hug a tree and thank it for its beauty and strength.  I connect to nature.  I can watch the clouds make shapes against the sky.  I know wonder.  I can taste and smell and touch and see and hear and see what is all around me.  I use my senses.  I can feel my breath fill my whole body.  I tune into me.  Now the water is still.  I have found my anchor, and everything IS alright.  I don't need to worry about before or after.  I am in THIS moment.  I am peace.  Now I share my peace with others and hope that it is carried away to those who need it.  And I dream...WE ARE PEACE."

next steps

I think I have said this before, but the logistics of it all are daunting.  I can't wait for all of the preparation to be over and just deal with the pregnancy!  B and I were able to speak at length this weekend and I wanted to share our next steps with you all. 

• My main focus will continue to be on my weight loss, getting to the 200 by mid-January to do the mock transfer, hoping we can get to the actual transfer once I hit 190.
• The blog is going to get more personal, as permitted by Bethany.  B = Bethany; P = Phillip
• I am going to try to find ways to ensure we get enough of the parameters covered to monetize the blog, in hopes to raise money for Bethany and Phillip for all of the expenses, that will likely surpass 40K.
• I was hoping I may be able to represent myself in the legal contract to try and save money, but I have found that this is a must have.  Bummer.  We need to schedule an initial meeting hopefully in November.
• I am going to do some research on possible grants that Bethany and Phillip can apply for to offset costs.
• Bethany and Phillip will meet with a financial planner soon to see how they can make the finances work.
• This blog can be socialized with friends and family, but cannot be shared on social media yet.
• I have reached out to my OBGYN (that just moved from VWC to VCU) to get more information on the diagnostic testing, called HSG, that I need as well as any other information I may need to proceed.

Bear with us - there is just so much to do!  The good thing is that we have time.  The bad thing is that I am so darned impatient!

"Trust the process.  Your time is coming.  Just do the work and the results will handle themselves." - Tony Gaskins

reality check

This weekend was busy but wonderful!  I got so many long, wonderful squeezes at our nephew's birthday party and it was amazing.  It is nice to know that we are all on this journey together and I have so much support through it all.

The busy weekend also tested my will power for eating healthier.  I struggled a bit and we had take out fried chicken Friday night followed by ice cream for my birthday.  I have also had a cup of ice cream the last two nights (I really shouldn't have bought the coffee flavor - I don't even like coffee - but the ice cream is something I LOVE).  At a birthday party yesterday for one of Meade's friends, I couldn't stop snacking on Cheez Its and definitely had very little water intake all weekend.  All things I am not going to beat myself up over, but I am going to better about going forward.  I am determined to make this Wednesday's weigh in count! 

Since my birthday last week, I have also started socializing the blog a little bit more with friends and family.  This is pretty difficult for me - even with my own pregnancies (I'll write more on those later), I was very hush hush about them because I was scared to death - scared that something would go wrong and that I would want to have that heartache to myself without having everyone else experience it too. 

This journey is different.  I have to let more people in.  I have to be vulnerable to have others hold me accountable.  This is not easy, but I am willing to do it and I know we will be getting a lot more prayers, thoughts, and encouragement because of it.  B and I are at the point where anyone is welcome to share the blog with friends/family via word of mouth or email.  We are not ready to share publicly on social media yet, but that will come soon.  Personally, I owe it to my team at work to fill them in as this will effect them as I will likely be out for a few weeks when the baby comes.  So, I hope to have a great conversation with my leader when she is in town later this week.  Also, I need to submit this blog to our ethics/privacy/compliance team.  The last thing I can do through all of this is jeopardize my livelihood.  If that means I should not share what is going on, I may have to stop.  However, I don't foresee this being an issue. 

All of this said, you are welcome to share.  Please follow the blog, comment on posts that mean something to you and we can gain support from.  My ultimate hope with this dedicated writing is that it might be a means to provide financial help to B/P in the long run.  We shall see!

Thank you all for reading and being on this journey with me - the best is yet to come!

"Anything is possible when you have the right people there to support you."  Misty Copeland

pure excitement

Today I will be going to a family birthday party in which B and all of her family will be there.  I have not yet had the opportunity to squeeze her parents since all of this began and I simply cannot wait.  When B/P, Jacob and I decided to explore further, I wanted to call B's parents to ensure they were on board.  We chatted and cried.  It was beautiful.  They were more than supportive and so very thankful for the renewed hope that now existed.  While her parents have never been truly my family, I met them at the same event where I met Jacob's siblings at our first Christmas together.  From that time, I always thought they were so special.  Now, our bond will just grow stronger.

For years I have tried to be a better me.  That person is starting to shine through.  I have so many weaknesses and flaws, but that just means that I have more room to develop.  One of those things I have always struggled with is accepting support, gifts, encouragement, etc.  I am really independent and always have been.  (My children are quite independent, too, and boy do we bump heads!)

This experience has definitely humbled me and is helping me to grow in that arena.  I had the beautiful opportunity yesterday to have lunch with my dear, beautiful friend and her mom, my special friend, Ms. Clare.  She always, I mean always, goes way above for my birthday and I didn't expect any less.  However, I never could've imagined all that she gave and wanted to continue to give to me.

I guess I never felt so worthy to be showered with such lovely things.  The past two years, she has given me a way too generous gift card to the most wonderful restaurant in Richmond, a little hole in the wall that Jacob and I truly cherish.  It is pretty expensive, likely why we had never been before.  I was selfishly hoping for another one of those so we could look forward to the delicious meal and lovely ambiance that restaurant provides.  Yesterday, she did not give that gift card, but instead gave me so much more.  So much that I really had a hard time accepting but had to take a step back and realize, they love me, they cherish me, and I am more than enough as their friends.  All of this said, I am looking forward to crafting with some of the best markers ever, a 90 minute massage, and spending a crazy amount of money at West Elm in Carytown.  Why me?  Why do I deserve such wonderful things?  Because I am worthy of them.  Because I am valued.  Because the relationships I cultivate are real and have meaning.  Because I am loved.  Because I return value and love with every ounce within me.

Inner dialogue is something I have not mastered.  My leader at work has been addressing this with me lately and I have been listening to some training to do better.  While it was so difficult, I accepted all of those gifts, not because it was the right thing to do, but because I was confident that they were given as love and value for the person I am.  I am valuable.  I am a good friend.  I surround myself with the most beautiful people on this planet.

Frankly, I am still on a high from my birthday.  I think this is just part of my daily life right now.  All is amazing and I know in my heart that next year we will be celebrating my birthday once again, with baby on board.  Today, as I approach this birthday party, I will have to contain my excitement a little bit.  It is not about me, B, or this journey.  It is about a sweet little boy we will all be gathered to celebrate.  However, I will be sure to get some awesome hugs, and cherish the time with this beautiful family.

"To be content doesn't mean you don't desire more, it means you're thankful for what you have and patient for what's to come." - Tony Gaskins

a new year

Today marks a new year, but the mission of the journey remains the same.  I am completely humbled by the many messages I received today - my family and friends are simply the best!  On my birthday next year, I am determined to be in the third trimester with B/P's sweet, sweet baby. 

I woke up feeling fulfilled.  I went on with my normal routine and hit the gym, knocking out to miles.  At the end of the day, I feel peace and validation.  Beyond the many, many "Happy Birthday" messages, I received a few really special ones.  Several people, some aware of this journey, some not, sent messages that thanked me for being an inspiration.  I get teared up writing this.  If I left this earth today, I would be okay.  If I have inspired others in some way, shape or form, I have met my purpose in life.

At this point, though, I'm not done!  I have so much more to give, so much light to spread, and so many others to influence in doing something kind for others. 

On my way home from the gym this morning, I sobbed.  I sobbed not because I was unhappy but because I have found the best of me.  It may have taken 36 years, but who cares.  I have never felt so much peace, understanding, and contentment in my life.  Everything has aligned.  I really attribute the majority of that to listening to my heart and sending the offer via email to B.

I am so thankful to have each of you here with me.  Your unwavering support for all of us is felt through prayers, notes, and encouragement.  I will leave you with the sweetest card I have ever received.  My dear Gregory, led by his crazily patient teacher made this for me today:

I love you because you are:

• Caring
• Pretty
• Nice

My heart is overflowing!

progress!

Things may never be ideal or perfect for everyone.  For me, I try to make the most of everything.  I am in the most perfect and ideal spot for me and I cannot be more thankful.  I am on the right journey at the right time and it is so much more than what will be given to B/P.  I am getting healthier for myself and my family.

I made a goal last week to walk/jog 18 miles.  Note, I made a monthly goal at the beginning of October to do a total of 38 miles (see the scaling down page).  18 in one week?  That's nuts, but I was determined.  I ended yesterday with a total of 18.5 miles for the week!!!  Since I weigh in on Wednesday mornings, I went in so excited to step on that scale.  Another 3 pound loss!

Anything is possible when we put our mind to it and limit the negative inner dialogue. 

What is so cool about all of this is that I was getting bored on the treadmill.  Yes, I would watch the news or SportsCenter or anything to keep me going, but it wasn't enough.  You know what I have found that is perfect?!?  Watching and listening to training courses that help me be a better professional, but more importantly, a better person.  If I am not happy with my work and continually fighting to overcome my weaknesses, what is the point?

This morning all of this hit me hard as I was watching a course of self-improvement modeling.  This resonated with me and I will leave it with you:

The Power of Thought - Walter Doyle Staples

When you change your thinking, you change your beliefs.
When you change your beliefs, you change your expectations.
When you change your expectations, you change your attitude.
When you change your attitude, you change your behavior.
When you change your behavior, you change your performance.
When you change your performance, you change your life!

What can you do to shift your thoughts and be the next best version of yourself?

legally confused

Of the few people I have socialized this journey with, three different people, on different occasions have said that I need to have Colleen Quinn represent me for the legal contract.  Several weeks ago, I listened to a radio show in which Colleen was interviewed.  If you'd like to indulge, you can find that here. 

One thing that I really, really liked is that their law center calls carriers that are doing this without money, a Compassionate Carrier.  No one had ever said that and it made so much sense.  Plus, it just sounds better than Gestational Carrier!  I think that as I talk more openly about this experience, that is what I will go to.  Of course, I will still have to explain because I'd have to with the GC verbiage regardless. 

After reaching out three times to Colleen, I finally got a call back.  I spoke with her legal assistant (who is new) and there were so many questions I didn't really know how to answer.  One thing I learned is that Colleen's firm always presents the paper (meaning it is their letterhead that is sent to the other attorney to review and redline).  While I would like to have her represent me, I thought I would leave the option open for B/P because they may want someone else to have everything on another attorney's "paper."  Or, maybe Colleen could represent them and then I could find someone else.  No matter what, neither of us will enter a legally binding contract with language that doesn't make sense to us.  Colleen ended up calling me to discuss everything so we were on the same page, which was really nice.

So, I am leaving this up to B/P for now to see what road they want to take.  Going with Colleen (and another attorney) will still cost probably around $4K before all is said and done, just for the contract!  Ugh, as if they already weren't committing to a huge financial burden!!

It is funny as I think back to my conversation with the other compassionate carrier I spoke to (yes, I like using that term and will do so going forward), she had mentioned that the initial contract that she reviewed stipulated the type of make up she could wear and crazy other things!  Well, if that is the way this goes, it will not be an easy process.  But, I think that B/P and Jacob and I are on the same page with everything so hopefully it will be less bumpy.  After all, together, we want the same outcome - the most beautiful one that I daydream about all the time!

"Dreams don't always have to exist while the sun's down and your eyes are shut."  Alex Gaskarth

an interim goal

I think I am going to ramp up my exercise this week and also be more cognizant of my dietary intake over the next week just as a trial - to see what I can accomplish.

For the month of October, I set a goal to walk/jog a total of 38 miles.  For this week (Wednesday to Tuesday) I am going to set the bar really high and try to walk/jog 18 miles in the seven day period to see if I can realize a larger loss.

I have gone to the gym twice both yesterday and today and while the 18 miles is a lofty goal, I write this to hold myself accountable.  The exercise is making me feel really good (once done) and I am trying to learn to live off of that adrenaline.  Being impatient with weight loss is tough, but it didn't come on in a day and I have to keep telling myself that. This will also force me to get some miles in over the weekend, which I have been struggling with. 

Who knows what this "experiment" will hold.  No matter what, I can only improve!

"A good goal is like strenuous exercise - it makes you stretch." - Mary Kay Ash

Here's to stretching this week!

the damned vitamin!

fair warning...this contains TMI...

Oh man, I have struggled with anemia for over 20 years.  In that time, I have been very dependent on iron.  Either I took it and got a horribly messed up tummy, took it and never pooped, or decided not to take it because I didn't like the side effects. 

Over the last several years, I was able to incorporate colace into my regimen which helped considerably.  Also, I now know that I cannot begin to take the iron without food in my belly.  This makes it tricky and while I have gotten a good schedule down during the work week, the weekends are much more tough.  Or, if my schedule varies, I may sometimes forget.

Fast forward to this year, at the suggestion of my dermatologist, I decided to discontinue the colace and try magnesium instead.  I have no idea what else this does for any individual, but let me tell you - that magnesium seems to be a magic pill for me.  It helped to keep me pooping, allowed me to sleep well at night (without melatonin), and everything just seemed right.

Here and now, Dr. Nair said I needed to start a prenatal vitamin to prepare my body for the pregnancy.  I. cannot. poop. again.  UGH!  I have been playing with extra magnesium, adding the citrate, trying to eat 2 apples a day verses the normal one.  Nothing is right just yet.  It will get there and I cannot wait until it does! 

Constipation - Don't give up!  Even when the going gets tough!

relinquishing the fear

I have really been struggling lately with one subject only.  What if Jacob and I happen to get pregnant?  That would derail everything!  Even though I have an IUD, we could be that .01% - it has happened to others!

So, as nervous as I was, I asked Jacob if we could start using condoms again.  Well, to my surprise, Jacob was totally okay with it because it was a way to ease my mind through all of this.  I must say that I was kind of freaked out buying condoms again - figured I wouldn't have to do so until my children were in their teenage years.  But, it was pretty liberating and I owned it! 

I must face all fears head on and do what I can to relinquish them.  I am proud of myself for not letting it immobilize me and finding other ways to be comfortable in loving my husband through all of this. 

I am going to bed with peace in my mind and a full heart knowing Jacob is so supportive through this journey.  I could never try to do this on my own and he has had my back since day one!

"A husband is more than a partner; he is a friend, an encourager, a supporter, and a helper always there when you need him." - Catherine Pulsifer

the power of gratitude

Yesterday, at work, I was forwarded this article:  The Neuroscience of Gratitude.

I just finished reading it and man does it ring true. I really feel as though I am in the best spot in my life because I am more grateful for everything I have.  Unfortunately, struggling on my own and watching others, both past and present, helps me to create a sense of gratitude in my own life.

As the process of being a Gestational Carrier continues to morph, I am filled with the utmost gratitude.  For the support we are receiving from everyone.  For the honest opinions and fears I have and others have shared with me.  For the unknown, yet the optimistic future.  For the strengthened relationship with God I have found.  For the blending of families.  For the confidence of so many on this journey with us.  For a wonderful work environment in which I am valued.  For the progress I see, even if it is little by little.  For the determination to keep going and make it all a reality.

Being so optimistic has never been easy for me, but I try hard these days to stay positive and enjoy the ride.  Just the small changes I have made truly do make a difference.  I don't think I will ever be perfect in this regard (is anyone?), but for me, it has proven to be worthwhile!

Next step here - I need to start a gratitude journal.  In doing this, I will be more cognizant of all I have, trying not to take anything for granted.

“Gratitude drives happiness. Happiness boosts productivity. Productivity reveals mastery. And mastery inspires the world”.  - Robin Sharma

let there be light

I was surprised with this beautiful picture and message.  B's parents are traveling in Canada and she sent this picture to us.  She lit two candles - one for each of us and our families at the Basilica of Notre Dame in Old Quebec City today.  This picture brought tears to my eyes and joy to my being.

"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence." - Helen Keller

the hugs

The best thing happened yesterday.  Frankly, I am still high on the time and my heart is beyond full.

B/P came over to visit along with P's sweet parents.  When B walked in the door, we just hugged.  The hug lingered but could've lasted for ever.  We cried and kept hugging.  It just felt right.  We are meant to be here together, right now, for this purpose.  Once B and I released, I got the best hugs from P and his parents as well.  Everyone came in, saw the children, we did a little small talk and then settled in in our living room.

The room we NEVER use and that Jacob wants to turn into something "useful."  To me, the formal living room is a place of peace that I want to keep.  It was so fitting for us all to sit in there and just chat.  We talked about a multitude of subjects, some easy, some not so easy.  Nobody has had a flawless go at life, but we make the best of it.  I learned about B's grandmother and the cookies she used to make.  I learned about P's biological father and step father, his siblings.  P's father told us about his careers and how he grew up in a small town like me.  P's mom spoke about her career, their home, and the fact they are figuring out their next steps.  Everyone was just lovely.

I spoke about my family.  My children interrupted - at least this was a taste of what they are in for!  Meade even slammed her fingers in the door after we constantly told her to leave the door alone.  Jacob had to take her out of the room screaming - hopefully she learned a lesson this time!  We even got to hear that B/P are considering moving back to the Richmond area.  Well, that is awesome!  I tried not to show too much excitement, but this made my heart soar. 

Before they left, B and I had to get a picture!  Do you see that sliver of light between me and B?  That my friends is progress!  Yeah, she is skinny but even when I hug skinny people, my belly still doesn't allow for any slice of air between us.  Now, it does!!  That is the first thing I noticed in the picture and it still makes me smile! 

As we were wrapping up the conversations, which were never dull, I stepped out of the room as we were dispersing.  When I walked back in P's mom was asking about the pregnancies I have had and the fact she knows that it will be difficult on him, too.  She has no idea.  My pregnancies are never ideal, but I think this will be different and I will make sure I am not too hard on Jacob - I mean, I won't be able to use the excuse "you did this to me!" 

More hugs from all and they were off.  I watched them leave the driveway and smiled.  The last several weeks have been a whirlwind and I wouldn't change them for the world. 

I told Jacob after they left that whether he likes it or not, we are going to become one big family and it is going to be perfect and beautiful.  Jacob gets over family time quickly so I was interested to hear his response.  He simply said "I know."  The fact he didn't argue or roll his eyes or anything else is huge.  He is okay with all of this because it makes me happy!

I can't wait until the next time we all get to squeeze each other again!

refresh

What a week it has been.  Meade came home with a fever early on Tuesday.  Since then, I have been juggling my work calendar and the help of the others around us.  It truly takes a village.  Thanks to Jacob's mom, my aunt, and my parents, I have not had to take of a second from work the first three days of her being home.  I am also really, really blessed to have a job that allows me the flexibility to work from home in these situations and the people I engage with understand if there is a little one in the background or if I go MIA for a few minutes.

All of this said, I didn't want to take advantage of anyone.  Everyone has been so willing to help but sometimes we have to take a step back and help ourselves.  When I knew Meade would not be able to go to daycare again today, I asked Jacob if we could tag team it.  I also asked my boss if she would be willing to let me take some last minute PTO.  Thankfully, both agreed. 

I rearranged my calendar at work today so that all my meetings were in the afternoon or pushed out to next week.  The last thing I want is for my amazing manager, who frequently says "family first" to think that I was continually working from home with a little one around that needed my attention.  Jacob will be home this afternoon, taking the afternoon shift.  And, those that have been so gracious to help wouldn't have to be bothered. 

This morning's refresh has been exactly what I needed.  I started the day at the gym even though I didn't really want to go - in fact it took all I had to get out of bed and walk through those doors.  I only did one mile, but just needed a mental break after being up much of the last two nights with Meade.  I sat in the sauna for a little bit to try and relax.  It did help even though I was frustrated that I only got one mile in.  I've got a mileage goal this month and doing one mile a day will not get me there!

I came home to bake cookies for dear friends and figure out what else needed to be done around the house.  I got Jacob off to work with Gregory heading to school.  Meade got up before 7, but was pretty content on her own.  I cleaned up a little and didn't even think about work.  I checked emails a couple of times but it was nice to know that if anyone needed me directly they could call. 

Knowing that I still had a few hours to myself, I finished up a package to send out and had to get it to the post office to arrive at its destination in time.  I am pretty impatient, but had to wait for those darned cookies to cool off before I could seal them up in the box to be sent.  I had no idea what to do but knew I couldn't just sit around. 

So, I figured Meade and I could both use some sunshine.  I put the stroller in the car, left the bag of cookies open, as well as the box, and loaded that, too.  We parked at our gym and took a two mile walk through the new neighborhood down the street.  It was so nice to just relax a little bit and think of a dear friend of mine since high school/college/thereafter that lost his mother yesterday.  Literally, one of the most kind ladies I had ever met and she was always the same person.  I just adored her.  I thought of Momma Nance a lot on my walk and while I am pretty sad, I know my friend, his wife, and their precious child due in a few weeks will be okay as they have the most beautiful angel watching over them.

After our walk, we headed to the post office and are now back home.  I have showered, cleaned up some more and started laundry.  I am blessed, so blessed.  I am so lucky to have all of those I love that make up my village and support me in everything I do.  I am so thankful to have pretty healthy children, despite the virus/infection here and there.  We are so grateful to have kids that sleep through the night, every night, except in instances of sickness.  Boy am I tired, but I am more than blessed.

I have to start my work day in a little bit, but this is a glimpse into my crazy, beautiful world. 

When I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around."  - Willie Nelson

continued focus

Well, we are about six weeks into this journey.  It seems like a lifetime, but when I put it into perspective, this is still very, very new.  In those six weeks, I have dropped an extra 15 pounds and more importantly, learned a lot.  I have been working mentally to ensure I am strong enough for all of this.  I know I am, but know it will be a long road. 

I often have to take a step back and stop letting this consume me.  I think of the journey and the baby all day long, but more importantly, I think about how this may impact others and inspire them to also think out of the box and do something kind.

I believe that B/P will be in town this weekend and are stopping by for a visit.  I cannot wait to hug them and just be together!  B helps to motivate me daily with my exercise and has such a positive attitude!  God put us here, together, now, for a reason.  It may not have been anyone's ideal timeline, but this was meant to be and I am thankful to be a part of it.

I saw this today and found it fitting:

KINDNESS - Loaning someone your strength instead of reminding them of their weakness.  Think about that for a minute. 

baby dreaming

When B and I spoke a week or so ago, we shared some similar experiences.  She mentioned that she has been having sweet baby dreams for a while now and that brought tears to my eyes.  God is preparing us all for this.

On the other hand, I had a dream a few weeks ago in which I woke up so very upset.  I was pregnant in the dream.  When I mentioned it to Jacob he basically said, isn't this what the end goal is?  To which I replied, NO, the baby is yours!  Oh man, even though I have an IUD, I had this awful dream where I was pregnant with another baby for our family.  This is definitely not what we want nor need.  I am DONE.  D.O.N.E. Done.

It is funny how our minds work and I remember my parents telling me long ago that if we have a bad dream and you don't want it to come true, you need to share it with others.  Well, I have been sharing this with everyone that is clued in about the journey we are on with B/P.  The only time I want to be pregnant again is in this process for B/P.  While I would love to have a slue of kids, I don't have the patience for another nor do we have the financial means to afford another.

All of these feelings continue to solidify why I am in it to win it.  I can't wait to be able to give the gift of life and not have the lack of sleep for several months after nor the attitude as the child ages.  However, I can see the baby and child grow up from afar and love them just the same!