green light

I had my appointment this morning!  One good thing about these constant visits is that all of the ladies in the lab now know me by name and they are always quick to take me back and get me going!  This morning was no different.  My appointment was at 830.  I got there maybe 10 minutes early and was out the door after both bloodwork and the ultrasound by 838!  On top of that, the RVA office of SGF has a new nurse practitioner that I have seen during my last two appointments.  She is absolutely lovely, and so quick!  I adore her.  She also has worked with Dr. Nair in the past, as she came to the Richmond office by way of the Northern Virginia ones.  It helps that she has had interaction with my devoted doctor in the past.

Kim called to follow up this afternoon - everything is good to go!  My progesterone and estrogen levels are back at the baseline and so is my lining (4mm).  My ovaries have several follicles - not that any of those are necessary - and both are "quiet."  Kim confirmed that I begin taking the oral estrogen today, reduce the units of my belly injections and follow up for another round of testing in two weeks.  Assuming all goes well then, we will start the vaginal and IM progesterone and prepare for transfer on the 17th!

all about the benjamins baby

Of course, because our timeline has been stretched, I will need another vial of Lupron.  I have been putting off ordering it and even asked Kim if I could just go back to one of the older vials to get me through to transfer.  She adamantly stated that I throw the vial from November away, because of course it could get contaminated anytime the refrigerator is opened.  Yeah, okay, I get it.  Just calling and putting the order in was crushing - another FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!  I feel so bad that due to my body not being ready, Bethany and Phillip have to incur more expenses.  Thankfully, they don't allow me to have any guilt and sent me the reimbursement already.

Hopefully I can write tomorrow with more definite plans for the transfer!

angels on my side

Prayer is really keeping me going at this point.  All is well and I am learning so much about myself, how to pray, how to show gratitude, and learning patience.  The book I got for Christmas from my dear friend, Adrienne is proving to be the best guide and exactly what I need at this time.  

Beyond the brief delay and unknown timeline, I am working not to lose the joy in all situations.  We all still have so much to be thankful for and so many reasons to be joyful.  It's not easy, but being mindful of these things definitely helps me to keep it together.  My morning walks prove to be so helpful mentally and also let me have 30+ minutes each morning with God - just me and Him.  There are angels among us, all day every day - they keep me going and help me do my damnedest to remain positive even through the hardest times!

Crossing my fingers for good results on Wednesday!

a flattened coaster

More bloodwork and confirmation that I am ovulating which will definitely push things back.  Kim had me set up another appointment for next Wednesday for additional bloodwork and an ultrasound to check things out at that time. She expects that I will get my period before then, which is fine and what my body needs to do to release the lining.  

I think I have said many times over the course of this journey that we are on a roller coaster.  We are still on that ride, but the difference now is my approach and the fact that I have relinquished my need for control.  I have surrendered to God and he will hold my hand and help me through the ride.  Having this sense of peace and understanding is helping tremendously.  While the car is going slowly, it doesn't feel like the coaster has all of the twists, turns, and disappointments.  Everything is going just as it should and I will not be defeated in having to wait a few more days.

Should everything go well next Wednesday, Kim and I set a tentative date for the next transfer of February 17th.  I needed to get it on the calendar so that I could adjust my work schedule appropriately.  February 17 - a perfect day for our third (and hopefully last) transfer!

mis-ovulating

Kim called.  Even though I am on the Lupron (shots in the belly) to basically put my body into a fake menopause, my body is ovulating.  Therefore, we will need to wait a few more days to have another ultrasound and more labs drawn.  It is possible that if everything looks good Thursday that we can still proceed on our current timeline to transfer on the 8th!  

I'm not holding my breath here.  More importantly, I have learned over the course of the last 1.5 years that my wants mean nothing.  When getting frustrated over timelines, it only causes me distress, which is not good for anything or anyone.  I have been leaning on my faith a TON here lately, more than ever before, and I know that this is God's plan and His timing.  If my body isn't perfect for that, what is the point.  We will keep at it and do what we are told when we are told to do it.

morning frustrations

I had my bloodwork and ultrasound this morning.  Since it is a holiday, they weren't sure if the offices would be open and it took a few days to just get confirmation and on the schedule.  I showed up at the Henrico Doctor's office just for it to be dark.  I got in the car and headed for Stony Point.  I knew that my appointment was supposed to be at HDH but I didn't have my work phone with me, which would have specifically noted SP vs HDH in the calendar.  I called the SP office and they told me just to come in but that their systems were down so they couldn't see the schedule anyway.  

Jacob was able to confirm that my work calendar did not indicate SP, which means that I was told HDH.  When I got to SP, and because the computers were down, I was handed a sticky note with the time of my arrival (8:29 when my appointment was 8:00 and I got to HDH before 8).  They were taking people back based upon the time indicated on the sticky note.  Finally, I was called back and I explained my frustration to one of the ladies.  She mentioned that she saw the schedule at HDH and told management twice on Friday about it and she assumes that they did not have time to call everyone.  Nice.

I've got to get over it!  We all make mistakes, myself included.  The ultrasound and bloodwork didn't take long.  My lining is at 14 mm, which makes me question why can't we go for it now, but I am sure there are reasons.  I will wait to hear from Kim later today.  

belly shots

It is strange in that previously, I would get so excited to start the new medicine regimen and shots.  Now, I am merely starting over in hopes that it will work.  I go into this cycle with absolutely no expectation, however, still with the highest of hopes.  Today, I took my first Lupron shot to the belly.  There is nothing special about it - just an insulin needle so it doesn't hurt, there isn't much hesitation, and it is second nature.  It did kill me to open the new vial, though.  To think about the teeny vial worth $500 did almost make my stomach churn.

In other news, I heard back on the job I had interviewed for last month.  I was not the chosen candidate.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little bummed, but I also know that everything happens for a reason and the one thing that makes me nervous about actively recruiting is this journey.  All of the what-ifs.  I am so thankful to have been a candidate for the role and was specifically told today that the team will likely grow again this year and there is hope I will apply then.  It doesn't get much better than that!

You know, I really think it is for the best when I consider the upcoming transfer.  While my boss remains in an un-leaderlike manner regarding my attempt to leave, the fact I am no longer being considered should reduce some of that unfortunate friction.  In due time, I will be on to bigger and better things and she will have to live with it! 

same pages

Bethany and I got the opportunity to connect this afternoon.  While we had texted here and there, I don't think we had spoken for more than 2 minutes since the last failed transfer.  Everything we spoke about wasn't about this journey.  It was like two friends catching up.  We talked about the holidays with our families, things that have been getting on our nerves, etc.  We did also talk a little bit about expectations (or lack there of), thoughts of the timeline, and potential next steps if this third try doesn't work.

We have become friends, which is really nice.  Before while we used to constantly text, it was almost like we were indebted to each other - not that we were, but it was like we felt like we had to respond immediately.  Both of us, for the same unknown reasons.  Now, we are at a point where we can get back with eachother via text or call a day or two later and there is no worry, concern, or frustration.  That is a really nice part of where we are in our relationship.

Meds start Monday!  Onward and upward!

infertility gold

I went ahead and ordered the new vial of Lupron today.  It is nuts that 14 days of injections (20cc for a few days and then 5 thereafter) costs $499!  So for a vial the size of my thumb, it was five hundred dollars!  It kills me to think that I have half a vial left over from last time and I cannot get myself to throw it out.  Holy toledo - these expenses are crazy.

I have to keep in mind that Bethany and Phillip knew about the costs of the drugs when we signed up.  Of course, everyone hopes that things will work on the first try, so it is hard to fathom spending about three grand for each cycle for drugs alone.  I suppose we need to be thankful that the costs of the majority of the other services (most labs, ultrasounds, transfer, etc.) are included in the huge lump sum they paid last year.  And, if for some reason they don't get a baby, they do get that money back.  

Crossing my fingers that this will be the last round of meds they have to pay for!