another day...

 ...another dollar.  Even though I have enough meds to definitely get me started this time around, Kim let me know that if I have any vials that have been opened for more than thirty days they should not be used.  I think this is a crock of shit, but I have to obey.  The vials themselves say they expire in 2022!  Alas, I will have to order them soon, just to start all over again with no guarantee.

I know that Bethany and Phillip understand the expenses that go with the journey, it is crazy how much it drives me insane.  The good thing is that I have another vial of progesterone that has not been used at all.  However, the Lupron I will have to replace before we get started.  On the other hand, I did not discard anything last time.  I asked Kim if this could be a reason for the failed transfer, which she was quick to say no.  If that is the case, why does it matter?  Who knows, but I will be obedient and do whatever it takes!

cycling

At my parents yesterday, my period started.  I was sure to let Kim know as soon as possible.  She let me know that with this news, everything with the timeline sent earlier this month is right on track.  I am to start birth control in a few days and then proceed with additional meds as time comes.  Unfortunately, Jacob and I have to get our bloodwork done again to ensure there are no infectious diseases that could potentially pass along to a baby.  It drives me nuts because it is just another thing for Bethany and Phillip to have to pay for.  This will be the third time getting the lab work done - they have to be redone every six months.  

Kim, our nurse, also let me know that she had sent all of my prescriptions to the pharmacy.  I responded that I was not going to get anything filled because I still have plenty of everything from the last go-round.  

Here we go again!  Let's do this!

christmas angels

I think I speak for everyone when I say that this year's Christmas is just different.  There are so many traditions that aren't happening and it kills me, but my mind is telling my heart to try to enjoy the quiet time.  My aunt and uncle and their two sons came over for lunch this afternoon.  It was nice to not be on the road all day, going to different places.  However, I started to get antsy as the day went by.  Then, I got a message that Adrienne would like to stop by and deliver something.

I had just seen her last week but she wanted to drop off a gift.  She wasn't able to stay long, but as always, it was a lovely visit.  She asked me to open a new ornament that are beautiful angel wings.  She told me to open the remainder when she left, which was fine.  I was so happy to get some additional interaction and it was an even better surprise that it was Adrienne.  After her quick visit, I went ahead and opened the other card and gift.  I was blown away.  First, she had written a check to each of our kids for an exorbitant amount from her and her mom for their college funds.  It is still hard to fathom.  I am so glad she didn't write any check to me because I knew I would never be able to accept it.  The only way Jacob and I can accept the gifts to the kids is by matching it.  So, that is what we plan to do!

On top of the already too generous gifts, I couldn't believe there was something else.  It was a beautiful book by an artist that is known for doing oil paintings of angels.  It is a book about inspiration and devotion.  I cannot wait to get my hands on it for more than 5 minutes to read the foreword!

Merry Christmas, my friends.  While different, there was a lot of joy in our home today!

bling

Today, I got a package from my sister in law (Bethany's sister).  We don't exchange Christmas gifts so I was confused as to what it may be.  I opened a "thank you" card that shared Christmas greetings and the fact that their entire family was so thankful for me and my family and they wanted to express some of that with a small gift.  The necklace, in gold tone (which I have just recently started to develop a liking to - I have always been a silver gal), has two small gold bars - each engraved with my children's names.  It is gorgeous!  

I am flabbergasted by the gift, the love, and the note that accompanied.  The words mentioned that they wanted to honor me as a wonderful mother.  I question my parenting skills daily, so this was something that resonated deeply and it really felt nice to hear.  Beyond that, the necklace is so beautiful and something that I will wear proudly for years to come.  

I hate accepting gifts, but I must say this is one that is practical and perfect.  I love it!

actions vs. words

With surrogacy, it is obvious that actions speak louder than words.  I have been hearing that all of my life.  However, there are times that words can never be matched.  I learned that this past week as I navigated how to support Adrienne and her family in their grief and honor my dear Ms. Clare.  Flowers die, meals aren't remembered, what could I do?  I decided that I would write a letter to Adrienne to reflect on my time with her mother and detail some of the things she had taught me over the years.

When I dropped that letter off one morning, I was not prepared for how it would be received.  Several times this week, I have been called and texted to say that my words are what will be remembered for years to come.  I cried and cried writing that letter, but I felt that it was important.  It was part of my healing process and hopefully it would help Adrienne in hers.  I happened to have Friday off and asked if I could visit.  I sat in her beautiful home for a couple hours as we reminisced and we talked about some of the things I had written.  It was nice to be together and smile despite the sadness that surrounded our time.

It is amazing to me how our relationships have blossomed over the years and the fact that I will never let my and Adrienne's friendship waver just because her mom is no longer on this earth.  I learned an even bigger lesson through this experience, reflections on paper can sometimes be the greatest gift of all.  Rest in peace, my coach, my spitfire, my Ms. Clare.

clare's glasses

I woke up early this morning to bake a bunch of cookies for gifts.  I made sure that I baked a tray to take back to the hospital this evening as I was planning to beg Adrienne for more time with the two of them.  Little did I know that during my baking Ms. Clare was passing over into heaven.  When Adrienne reached out with the information that only her spirit remains, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was overwhelmed with sadness but more importantly, joy.  Joy that I was able to spend so much time with Ms. Clare and that we seemed to truly get each other.

Maybe I will write more about Ms. Clare later as I feel as though I entered her life as hired help and she left my life as a quite life coach.  A mentor that provided me with more lessons on the truly important things that can be explained.  As I think about different situations, I am going to try to see them through "Clare's glasses" as the perspective she provided is one I can get no where else.  I will forever cherish this lady, our time, and the mentor that she has proven to be.  Boy am I blessed to have forged the beautiful friendship I did with Ms. Clare and share this journey with her.  She will always be in my heart and I know she fully supports each of us, even though her initial reaction was one in which her eyes said "you are nuts."  She is still right, I am nuts, but I wouldn't trade my crazy on this ride for the world.  I am so happy that I was able to also share it with her.

presence

In my adult life, I have always realized more joy from giving verses receiving.  I guess it is true that as we age, we figure out the finer things in life.  The best present I ever could have received tonight was the gift of time.  I was able to see and love on my dear, sweet Ms. Clare that I had not seen in almost nine months due to COVID.  Ms. Clare went to the hospital last weekend due to trouble breathing.  With many tests, it was indicative that she had possibly suffered a heart attack, was septic, and had a bowl blockage that was not making its way out on its own.  While her daughter could have opted for surgery, the invasive nature didn't seem right.  I tried to see her earlier this week, but was unable to due to the COVID restrictions at the hospital, which I had to respect.  

Later in the week, there was no improvement and since there had been no nutrition, she was placed in hospice care.  I reached out again today to see if there were different visiting requirements and was told there were.  While receiving hospice care on a different floor, she was able to have up to three visitors at once and her daughter allowed me to come this evening.  It was so sad to see her in her state, but also provided me much peace.  I had missed this lady so much!  She was my confidant and although over the last few years she hadn't spoken back much, we still were able to maintain a beautiful relationship.

In the hospital, I noticed that her oral hygiene was non-existent and asked if I could call the nurses in because she really needed to be cleaned up.  I was prepared to do it, but the nurses came in, saw what I was seeing and said it was there job to get her mouth clean.  With suction and lots of swabbing by two nurses and me holding a light, it took about ten minutes for her mouth to look so much nicer and I can only imagine that my sweet lady felt so much better although she couldn't express it nor did she ever wake up.

Holding her hand for a couple of hours and speaking with her daughter gave me a sense of comfort that I desperately needed.  It was obvious that Ms. Clare's time on this earth was coming to an end but the gift of her friendship that I had cultivated over the last several years was one that I would cherish forever.  To think about our conversation the previous September about me acting as a surrogate, I knew that even with her in heaven, I will continue to have a huge supporter behind me.  

I truly didn't want to leave the hospital - I would have stayed all night if I didn't think I was impeding on mother/daughter time.  I just love this lady as if she was my grandmother but also the dearest friend one can imagine.  I held it together while I was there, but as I left, I broke a little bit.  This is the end and while I am at peace with that, it is still very sad.  So sad for all of us that she leaves behind.  I will miss our times together and all of the gifts she bestowed on me as she taught me so many true life lessons.

There is no greater gift in life than that of blessed relationships.  I feel this way about Ms. Clare and over the last year or so, I have developed more beautiful connections - especially with Bethany and Phillip.