fabulous friday

Hah, if only!  It feels like I am failing everything in my life, with the exception of work.  I have been thanked several times this week for what I have done and told that I am doing a great job.  However, at home, I feel as though I am failing in my marriage and failing more so as a parent.  How do I overcome this feeling and just get my shit together so that I can be the best I can be for everyone?

It is no one else’s fault in Meade’s program that she has been through so much and has trouble controlling herself.  It is not my fault.  It is not my fault.  I have written that and erased it several times because I want to take blame.  The situations were not in my control – it is not my fault.  While I cannot be blamed for what has happened, I have not always thought coherently about how to address what we have been through as a family and done enough to ensure my children have the appropriate coping mechanisms to move forward responsibly.  

As my Nanny used to say “this is an age, stage, or phase and this too shall pass.”  Please pass.  I am begging we get through this as quickly as possible because I am on the verge of breaking.  School doesn’t care though.  They don’t care if I am fragile.  If the kids are fragile.  That’s not true. Gregory’s teacher has gone above and beyond to help.  The preschool program doesn’t care.  But why should they?  It is a privilege for Meade to be there and she is taking away from the other student’s success because she is requiring so much support.

I did get an opportunity today to connect with the lead teacher.  I tried to be as honest as possible without placing blame on anyone but myself.  That said, I can't address items to improve upon if I am not aware they are going awry.  This teacher understood my desire to have a conference with Meade in the room.  She suggested a zoom call, which I would be fine with.  We will get that set up for early next week and give Meade two more weeks to improve.  We both are committed to working hard, in tandem, to make Meade successful.  However, there has to be a date in which we need to pivot if necessary.

I have scheduled two daycare tours for Monday.  I am exhausted, emotionally.  We will make it and one day laugh about this shitty situation.  I long for that day!