winter break

Yesterday's Tulli family Christmas was cancelled.  Jacob's sister had asked us all to do COVID tests, which everyone was fine with.  Yet, finding tests to purchase or an appointment was difficult.  Jacob's sister was bringing all of her extra down for us to ensure no one was positive.  However, we got the call that one of her children tested positive prior to driving down from Maryland.  I am so thankful they didn't get on the road.  We missed the cousin time, but we will hopefully be able to reschedule in a few weeks.

Today, Jacob and I took the children to the Science Museum.  We went through all exhibits they had plus stayed to watch a movie about helper dogs in the IMAX dome.  The kids loved every bit of it!  Since coming back, we are having a lazy day!  

Despite feeling good most of the time, I am still pretty insecure.  One of my dear friends from work reached out to me to check in and I inundated her with a million questions.  I am so nervous to go back to work.  What has changed?  How does it effect me?  She was so kind to keep me in check and remind me that I am resilient and can make it through any storm.  

bittersweet family time

Our Gregory family Christmas is one of my most cherished days of the year.  Always on the 26th, it is either in the evening of a workday or during the day should it fall on a Saturday or Sunday.  I woke up in a fog and with extreme anxiety.  Most of my cousins I have not seen since Ricky's service.  My mom is one of six and we have a boat load of cousins and it really touched my heart that all of those within a couple of hours driving distance were there to offer their support.  

I texted my aunt asking her to go easy on me because I was really nervous about being there.  The weather couldn't have been any nicer and the hugs from everyone helped.  To tell so many thank you for being there for us had me teary at many points of the afternoon, but I didn't lose control.  To keep Ricky's spirit alive, I spent a ton on scratch off tickets and gave all of my direct cousins, their spouses, and children each a scratcher.  Several said that they were sad that they weren't going to get Ricky hugs or lottery tickets this year.  I am glad I could make one of them happen even though we all wish the other was what we got.

We even went back to the old school days, with steak and eggs on the menu.  It was delicious!  Uncle Bobby did his normal pick your envelope to see what you get, for all of the "kids."  Liza was the $100 winner this year - go Lize!  It was super sweet that Uncle Bobby has now named his envelope game the Cousin Ricky Lottery.  

I got to meet a significant other I had not yet previously met and I adored her!  Being with everyone was just what my heart needed, even though, as I have said many times, it was quieter this year without Rick.  The kids were super excited to get a tennis net and Meade her own racket from Aunt and Uncle Shug.  They all played out in the driveway and had a blast.  

As the sun goes down today, I am thankful.  It is so conflicting to be so happy and so damned sad at the same time.  One day this fog will subside.

COVID in the north pole

Yesterday was interesting.  I picked up Lebanese so that we wouldn’t have to cook.  My nephew and his mom came to play and exchange gifts.  It was oddly quiet without Ricky’s presence.  Several times got quiet and breaking the silence was difficult, but if we didn’t I think we all would have cried.

Mom did lose it a little later when we were throwing dice, remembering Katie on what would have been her 43rd birthday.  I’m sure Katie and Ricky are partying hard up there.  I felt so awful for mom.  I just want to take everyone’s pain away.  We got high to take it easy and enjoy the rest of the night.  As mom was going to bed, I said I thought she was going to help put out Santa stuff.  I started going through hiding places looking for everything I had bought back in August and September.  

Anyone that has asked if I was ready, my response was always simple - as ready as I’m going to get.  I’m on top of everything so no need to worry.  Until I wasn’t.

As we set out the underpants, socks, sticker books and a few very small things, I realized my kids really had no toys they had asked for.  I didn’t know what to do.  Kroger and Walmart are both already closed.  We decided we would put cash in a card from the North Pole.

I had no idea that COVID had made it to the North Pole, but that’s what Santa said in his note.  In the midst of penning the notes, my aunt texted to say that she would bring over their gifts to make it a little better.  I declined and also started writing an “experience list” that are fun things to do over the next year, which was their gift from Jacob and me.  

My aunt called to say that my uncle had spent quite some time researching and that CVS was open.  Dad and I hightailed it over there.  $229 later, I had bought so much crap I had vowed to never buy.  Thank goodness Jacob went to the same CVS with Gregory the day before and he pointed out a bunch of unnecessary junk he wanted.  Christmas morning was saved!  Thankfully neither child knew any different.

The kids were delighted with the junk and the money.  They’ve never had much to spend on toys and such that they wanted.  Even if we get them a prize here and there, there’s typically a small dollar limit.  Mom and dad stayed for breakfast.  Things were off but they weren’t horrible.  It was nice that Nana visited right after mom and dad left and we got to spend some time with her and the lovely ukuleles that she so graciously gifted!  In fact, I hear them now.

I’m so thankful that there isn’t much else we had on our plates today.  I’ve been baking desserts for the next couple of family gatherings and hanging out with the kids.  I had an itch to join my parents for supper at my cousins, but it was a hike so I opted against it.  I’m glad I did.  I sit here, staring off into space, our first Christmas in this new hole, trying to remember all I’m thankful for.  Sometimes it is hard, but in this moment I am full of gratitude.

what’s wrong

Jacob tries.  He’s amazing most days but one thing that really bothers me is when he says “what’s wrong.”  He texted to ask how things were going and I said it has been a bad day, only for him to ask what’s wrong.  I’m sad. I’m heartbroken.  I’m lost.  I told him he didn’t need to ask me that question any longer and he suggested that if I communicated more he would know. Bullshit - that just pissed me off more.

Meade and I had a fun outing today.  We went to pick up a fire pit and since we were near carytown, I thought we would run by West Elm to see what they had.  I had a small gift card there that was given to me two years ago that I had yet to use.  We looked at all of the beautiful things.  Let me tell you, Meade has expensive taste!  I couldn’t find anything that I loved and frankly that store wasn’t somewhere that I’d find myself going back to.  I struggled with what to do and decided to give the gift card to a couple in line, asking them to pay it forward one day.

They tried not to accept it but I insisted.  As we were getting in the car, the husband ran out to me and gave me some cash. He said he didn’t have as much as the card was for but wanted me to have it.  I asked him to please keep it - the world is a better place when we are all kind to each other.  He refused and told me to get something special for my daughter.

Meade heard that and decided that she couldn’t wait to get something.  I tried to make it another teachable moment.  We went to a consignment shop in lakeside.  There was one rule - you can get a prize but only AFTER you pick out a Christmas present for Gregory from you.  It was a difficult concept at first.  She only wanted to look at all of the beautiful jewelry in the case.

Once we started looking for Gregory, it seemed to be more fun.  We debated several things and ended up choosing a really cool helicopter ornament before making our way back up to the front and choosing this really ugly costume ring that is gold with a pink heart stone.

The lady at the shop was the sweetest.  She had just picked up her dog’s ashes and was feeling down.  We just talked and I think together picked each other up a little bit.

I told Jacob that he needed to do the same with Gregory and he went ahead and took him this afternoon with the same rules.  I laughed when I went to wrap the teal hair extension and bracelets that he chose for Meade.

Part of me is looking forward to tomorrow to be with my parents but the rest of me wants to skip ahead a couple of weeks.  Time is what is necessary.

back home

I had planned to take our kids and Renn down to Mom and Dads for a few days.  The weather looked to be pretty good, albeit cold and we had a couple of activities to do with them.  Jacob and Renn's mom can both get a little break before Christmas.  It was good to be with Mom and Dad.  The boys played in the woods a decent bit.  I know they froze, but they loved every second of it.  Meade opted to be indoors playing as she is getting over a little cold.

Together, we painted cookies one afternoon and throughout the time, the kids and I filled in the pages of a "Why I Love my Dad" book.  I had gotten these back in October and planned to give them to Jacob and Ricky for Christmas.  I will give Jacob his, but I will keep Ricky's to return to Renn when he gets older.  I love that he has asked me to write down a few little memories of what they enjoyed together so he will have it forever.

By this morning, I couldn't wait to get home.  The three of these kids are crazy together.  To be honest, they were really pretty good the first couple of days.  They had their limit of each other and I was the same with each of them. I need some time to myself.  Maybe since I am not walking in the mornings anymore, I am craving me-time when I normally wouldn't.  That is literally what I look most forward to these days.  You know the saying you can't always get what you want...well 'tis true.  

I'm constantly overwhelmed, but it eases when I look at what is left on the to-do list.  Then, it goes right back to overload.  Tomorrow I will run a few errands.  Friday I will pick up lunch.  No real prep (other than desserts).  No plans Christmas day!  Then, a couple of family events on the 26th and 27th.  No reason to stress.

I was glad to get away.  I am glad to be home.  I will be really happy to get a nap in tomorrow!

give me time

Today was nice.  We went to some friends to decorate Christmas cookies with all of the children.  I struggled but tried my damnedest to get over myself and enjoy the time.  When things were wrapping up, and I was obviously lollygagging on leaving, we were offered to stay for lunch.  I let Jacob make the decision, which I thought was good for me because I probably would have said no, even knowing that easy, social interaction is what I truly needed.  We likely stayed well beyond our welcome, but enjoyed the time there.  These friends just make everything about the experience easy.  You can't get much better than that.

I was thankful that this afternoon we didn't have plans.  Jacob watched football and I puzzled.  The kids played and did their own thing.  My mind had lots of time on its own - never a good thing.  My insecurities are really getting to me.  It got so bad that I even texted Bethany thanking them again for the wonderful time together this past week but also asking her not to give up on me - I vow to be better as soon as possible to be more present, but it will take time.  

I think that the therapist in Bethany immediately came out.  She acknowledged my feelings and assured me that they would never stop loving me.  We are now family and I can't get rid of them. It felt so awkward to say that so then I started apologizing.  It is this constant cycle of thinking/speaking things and then frustrated that they even crossed my mind.  It makes no sense.  The fact that I can think it through at this time means that I realize what's going on - I just can't stop it.

I don't know if anyone reads this anymore, it is important to know that I commit to you that I will return to the person you knew.  I promise.  

medium insecurities

It has been a tough day.  Every way I turn, I run into another vulnerable spot or insecurity I have been fortunate enough not to experience previously. I have never in my life felt so insecure mentally.  Physically, that all goes by the wayside because mentally I have a fuck it all attitude and being overwhelmed, I lose the will to care.  Funny enough, I am not insecure about my body, which is what I SHOULD be embarrassed over, giving me a swift kick in the ass to get back in gear.

We had a kid birthday party today and while it was with the normal group of moms that I see somewhat often.  I wasn't myself.  I didn't want to chat.  I didn't want to engage.  I just wanted to get home and take a nap.  

The birthday party was really nice.  Meade had a wonderful time and the parents were cognizant of new strain concerns so opted not to stay for lunch but sent cupcakes home with each family to eat later.  So kind!  Plus, my kids thought it was heaven - they went to one birthday party and came home with SIX cupcakes!

Finally, I got home and told Jacob I needed a break.  I laid down on the couch just to realize that I had a group session with a medium in an hour. I had  hard time getting it together and wasn't looking forward to being on the phone for an hour hoping that someone would come through to speak to me.  

There were 10 other participants on the call.  In her opening remarks, JMarie mentioned that everyone would get something out of the session.  Either, a loved one would come through or she would answer questions we may have.  I think that I was called out third.  She asked me and another person who had a loved one that passed recently due to suicide or overdose.  Since the other lady didn't respond, I suggested that it is possible that is how Ricky passed. She confirmed she was with me and confirmed some information about the way he was found, that there was a delay in being found, and that his death could also have been from not following up on health concerns.

JMarie focused on the fact that Ricky is so much happier.  She said that he kept pointing to his head, saying he has never had such a clear mind.  It felt really nice to hear that.  I absolutely believe it was him.  I wish he would have said something about the baby or the experience, but I can't be too picky.

change of plans

I have been looking forward to lunch with Maria, at Amuse (The Jefferson has all reservations taken through the new year), for weeks now.  Much of that was my fault in committing to a date and time because there has been so much uncertainty.  Regardless, I was excited to get dressed, maybe put some make up on and enjoy time with Maria.

Until school called.  Of course they would - it is the day before break for goodness sake!  Meade has been itching all over and complaining of her heart going super fast.  Obviously, it sounds like an allergic reaction to something.  We have no idea.  I called the pediatrician and they directed me to the ER - likely a CYA since I mentioned the racing of her heart.  

I called Jacob and he was leaving work to meet me there.  He ended up going to the hospital ER when I was at the freestanding ER - I love how well men listen.  All of her vitals were perfect the entire time we were there (which thankfully wasn't too long).  Perfect scores on an EKG and a chest Xray meant we could leave and she could go back to school so she wouldn't miss her Winter Party.

I don't have plans often and this is why.  You just never know.  I have to remember that I didn't have a lot more logistical issues since I am off of work.  Deep breaths...

lots of sugar

All day yesterday, I felt like I was baking.  Meade was home and she didn't want much to do with it, but I think we baked 7 batches.  Meade has three teachers; Gregory, one; a few others we adore at RPES; Jacob has seven employees and maybe ten more teacher friends.  We've got several neighbors to drop goodies to, too.  I invited Sally and her grandchildren to bake with us, but they were busy and took a rain check to today. The kids still went over there for a little bit, a break I desperately need sometimes.

This morning, I went down to see the best new family there ever was.  Bethany and I chatted for quite some time.  I guess a lot of it is that she is a therapist herself, but she was very reassuring.  I guess I needed some validation for my feelings and she provided that, but also that we all process things differently.  I value her opinion and love that she doesn't dig, even though I am an open book with her.  

Little Makenna sat on my lap for quite some time.  I stole lots of sugar!  I just soaked it all in, the Christmas tree, the most beautiful gift in my lap and in the company of her parents.  It doesn't get much better than this.  Bethany gave me a gorgeous ornament and two frames with pictures - one was their family photo and another of Makenna solo.  I will cherish these forever!

It was so nice, too, that Bethany's parents stopped by for a little bit.  They also brought gifts that we will open later.  Ugh, everyone is too nice and generous!  After a while, I wanted Cheryl to hold the baby.  I almost get more joy watching others with Makenna than me holding her myself.  I really enjoy it.  

Makenna had not been with Mimi long before she couldn't get comfortable.  Everything that Mimi did just didn't satisfy Makenna.  Bethany asked her mom to hand Makenna back to me as an experiment.  Just to see what happens.  In no time, I had her on my legs, pumping her legs and she calmed down quickly.  I don't know if it was me or the position, but I will take it.  This sweet thing will always have a special place in my heart.  The time with them today was just amazing.

I got home with just enough time to sweep up kid crumbs in the kitchen before Sally and her grandchildren came to bake.  Thank goodness I had this set up - Jacob has asked for 16 more bags to give more people at work!  The time that we had with Sally and Dave was lovely, too.  After we finished baking, the kids played and the four of us chatted.  It was nice to get to know them better.  We really couldn't ask for better neighbors, just three doors down.

a little pampered

Mary Pat sent me the nicest gift card to a local salon.  She assumed that I would schedule a facial, but I went ahead and got the bang for the buck and got a massage.  It was very nice.  My mind was still clouded with everything going on so I wasn't fully relaxed, but it was really nice to have the lady focus on my feet, head, and hands.  Also, now I have a number in my back pocket if I wanted another massage close to home.  

Now, I need to get home and start baking cookies for the list of teachers (all schools), neighbors, etc.

MD F/U

I have been having some extreme anxiety about this appointment.  I have never felt so needy and so insecure.  I feel like my heart is cold and I am having trouble functioning to be brutally honest.  When the sweet nurse took me back, she asked all of the postpartum questions and I lost it.  Postpartum or not, I am not well.  I know that is okay and I will get better in time, but it still stinks.  I hate being so fucking vulnerable.  

I finally gathered myself only for Dr. C to come in the room and I lost it all over again.  She even mentioned that everything was "shit timing."  She did feel that it would be okay for me to stay out of work a little longer, but I would need to be referred to a psychiatrist.  I understand.  That is more of a way to tell my employer that it is in our plan of action even though it might take six months to truly be seen.  It hurt a little bit to see "unable to return to work due to postpartum depression."  This is real life, though.  I have to accept it and work toward getting better, which I am determined to do.  I sent the paperwork in to see if they could extend my short term disability.  The lady at work said that my office visit note would be needed to supplement the paperwork and get approved.  I hope that gets sent soon.

I am trying so hard not to stress over things, but it is like I am so overwhelmed that I am stoic.  I am getting nothing done and I can't get myself together enough to even make a list and start checking it off.  

I let Bethany know I would be out of work for a while longer and that Dr. C said that I needed to visit them because she was sure that would help me heal a little bit each time.  We set a time for me to go there Thursday.  I'm a little nervous about getting upset, but if it is going to happen, being in Bethany and Makenna's presence will be the best place for comfort.  Too late, Bethany called to check in and I lost it over the phone.  Ugh, I hate this.  She was so kind and said all of the right things, basically validating my feelings and listening to everything.

Each day brings new struggles on my end but new milestones and happiness for their family.  I will take it for now and know that one day I will be able to experience the same milestones and happiness with Makenna, too.

"best day of my life"

Bethany has said several times over the last several weeks that October 29th was the best day of their life.  The missing piece is now here and their hearts are full.  This is my why.  This is what makes me happy, even for just a moment, until I remember the rest.  I know I should know all of this, but I am very insecure these days and hearing it again brings it back to the forefront.  I long for the day when my heart will be full again.

Jacob's birthday

The last couple of days have been nice at the river.  My parents got Renn yesterday afternoon, after school and the kids were able to play last evening and again this morning.  We had a special day ahead of us, though.  Today is Jacob's birthday and he needs to be celebrated.

Lucky for him, we had gotten tickets with a couple of other families at Lewis Ginter to see the lights.  Not so lucky, it was pouring rain.  We made the best of it, in our rain jackets and boots.  The kids had a blast.  I was over it pretty quickly, but we made the best of it.  I will say that it is a birthday we will never forget!  I think it will take a week to dry out completely.  

Before the wet festivities, the kids each helped me to bake Jacob's cake.  He requested multi layers of both white and chocolate cake with chocolate butter cream.  We are actually waiting to try it until tomorrow when we have a meal together.  

I complain a lot about Jacob, but I don't take for granted all he does, our friendship and our love.  I hope that his 47th year is amazing, especially since the last one has been difficult.

newborn care

My anxiety is through the roof.  I conceded and told the person at work that I would take the parental leave yesterday.  I couldn't sleep at all last night.  I got up and went through a ton of hand me down clothes for Meade.  This morning, I checked the parental leave policy online and saw that it is not applicable for surrogates.  While I am not technically a surrogate, I am sure that gestational carrier will fall into the same category.  The paperwork sent over said "newborn care."  Since I am not caring for a newborn, it wouldn't be ethical of me to take this benefit.  

On top of all of this mind fuck, both Gregory and Meade have been home today.  Trying to get much done is tough.  The kids went to see Ms. Sally down the street to play with their grandchildren, thank goodness.  I needed that hour.  I sat at the puzzle table and cried.  There must've been eight soiled tissues on the table when Jacob got home.  He doesn't get it and I am thankful for that.  

Due to Gregory being out this week, I took Meade out for Thursday and Friday and headed to my parents' this evening.  At least I will get a little bit of help with the children and try to forget the work stuff.  hoping for a couple of easy days to return home for Jacob's birthday Saturday.

all the lights

This evening, Renn and his mother came up to go see the light show at the Meadow Event Park with me and the children. It was hard to enjoy it as the boys were screaming the entire time.  I must say, last year I really liked it.  I wish I would have had the opportunity to relish in the beautiful lights, but there's always next year.  Plus, my mind is so foggy right now.  I am sure that is part of it.  

I also had therapy today.  Even though Gregory is home and in the background, counseling needs to be my priority as much as I don't want it to.  We talked through several things and did some guided imagery.  I don't know if it helped, but I was able to find a peaceful spot to go to when I need a break.  I told her my trepidation about going back to work.  I am so nervous all the time about getting upset.  I am sure my hormone levels don't help but I am not thinking this is as much postpartum depression as it is grief.  Regardless, I am struggling.  With the six week check coming up next Monday, my therapist has said that she does not think I should go back to work immediately, suggesting taking a few more weeks to work on everything emotionally.  I agree, but I am distraught trying to figure out my benefits at work and such.  I used to be on top of everything now it seems like all is spiraling out of control.

My Leave of Absence coordinator at work suggested I take the "free" six weeks of parental leave that will get me through the holidays.  I don't know if I want to do this and am freaking out on what is best.  The last thing that can happen is to lose my job.  I enjoy it, I have worked really hard to get where I am.  I can't have that be in jeopardy on top of everything else.  I have to trust that God has this in his hands and that everything will work out.  

"i am fantastic"

The entire weekend was really nice.  I didn't feel like I had to do anything and jumped from the puzzle to throwing dice, to relaxing on the couch, etc.  The others went into town to a few shops and I just didn't feel like it so I didn't go.  Mom and Dad are wonderful hosts, too.  They wouldn't let me do anything.  Alison had brought most of the food and had a spread when we got there Friday night and together she and my mom made a delicious shrimp scampi Saturday evening.  Dad was on point making sandwiches for lunch and mom, as always, served breakfast both days.  

I am still really nervous about my appointment next weekend and what lies ahead.  Who knew this weekend we were getting gifts!  Angie brought us all some Christmas socks, Mom got us this wonderful LL Bean tote bag (like a make up bag), and Alison gave me a really special gift.  I opened a rock with "MP" written on it.  Alison has recognized that Mary Pat in Baltimore has been a rock of mine for years.  She wanted to memorialize that and also told me that she was giving me two days in Baltimore without the children.  She would pay for the train or whatever way I went (even gave me Charles' schedule to go up and back to New Jersey for work).  She would also take care of the children while I was gone so it wasn't too much on Jacob.  Wow.  Amazing, however, it stresses me a out a little bit because so much is so uncertain right now.  Either way, hopefully I can take advantage of this in January.

The absolute best part of the weekend was hearing Angie's dream.  Angie is a hospice social worker and has a good connection to the spirit side, often dreaming about her clients or others that have died.  She told me that Ricky came to her in her dream and I couldn't wait to hear it.  She told the story several times over the weekend so that everyone could hear and while it brought me to tears each time, it provided me with so much peace.

Ang said that she was at a neighborhood festival, low key with face painting, bounce houses, etc.  She was walking down the street and saw Ricky out of the blue.  He immediately extended his arms and yelled Angie and followed up with a big bear hug.  It was totally normal and exactly what Ricky would have done.  Angie asked Rick how he was doing and he had a huge smile on his face and said "I am fantastic!"  He said that his head has never been so clear in all of his life and he is great.

This is what I needed to hear.  I am so insecure right now, I will probably ask for her to tell me this over and over and I hope she doesn't mind.  This, my friends, was my greatest gift of the weekend.

quarantine news

Before I could get out of the house today, the principal called and said that Gregory was exposed Tuesday to a student that is now diagnosed with COVID.  Lucky us.  Even though he got his second shot the same day, he is not considered fully vaccinated until two weeks after that.  The principal did confirm that should he get exposed in the future, he would not have to quarantine due to being vaccinated.  I feel so bad for the principal, having to make these calls after hours all of the time.  No one wants to receive the call and yes it is frustrating, but imagine having to be the bearer of bad news over and over again.  Not a job I would want to have.  

Jacob was going to take the kids to a friends house tonight to see Santa on the fire truck.  With the news of the exposure, the other families were not okay with them being there so Jacob had to think quickly on his toes, especially because the kids were so excited to see their friends.  A trip to Little Caesars to pick up pizza and staying up late outside with the neighbors ended up being a good night for them.  And, the big bag of cookies we were going to take to our friends, the children gave to the firemen.  That warmed my heart.  

We just got to my parents house and delivered a meal to neighbors down here because the husband had back surgery a few months ago and the wife just fell and broke her leg on Thanksgiving.  It is the least we could do.

The drive down with my aunt and my cousin's wife was nice.  I was nervous and asked Alison to go step by step on the day that Ricky died so that I understood what was going on in the background while everyone was trying to keep me insulated until I got home.  It doesn't change anything, but I like to know.  Now, I hope to relax and just have fun this weekend.  Another aunt and cousin come tomorrow and I can't wait to have some downtime.

time away

I haven't been sleeping well. I think it is anxiety from the anticipation of a weekend away at my parents with aunts and cousins for a girls weekend.  Mom and a cousin have been planning this since the summer and apparently it is to celebrate me.  Ugh, there is not much celebrating I feel like doing.  I told Jacob I didn't know if I wanted to go, but I think I do.  My aunt will pick me up later today and we will head that way.  I pray we have lots of fun and little tears, but you never know.  That is what worries me.  I don't want to be a blubbering mess in front of others.  The thought of that really makes me nervous (another reason why I was relieved not to go to Jacob's family Thanksgiving).  

I'm so bad at keeping up with my phone while I am not sitting at a desk all day.  I went to respond to some texts from yesterday and realized I never looked at the videos that Bethany had sent.  My heart exploded when I saw Phillip singing "You are my Sunshine" to Makenna.  It was simply beautiful.  Makenna wouldn't keep her eyes off of him.  It was so special and brought me to tears.  Tears of love and joy.  Tears of sadness thinking about the fact that my parents have now lost two of their babies.  Tears just flowed, for every emotion imaginable.

When I think about those happy tears, this is my why.  This is the entire reason that I offered.  This, hearing Phillip sing to Makenna is what makes every bit of every struggle and difficult time over the last two years more than worth it.  Seeing their beautiful family and the happiness that surrounds them is my why.

I still have a little bit of anxiety about this weekend, but I am ultimately looking forward to it.  As much as I don't know what I need, maybe this is it.

so angry

Today has been really rough for me.  Of course, I had Meade home since it is Wednesday.  We were both going stir crazy and frankly, I was getting sad.  I sat at the dining room table doing a puzzle and cried and cried.  I am so angry.  Not at anyone, but the situation.  I hate to question God, but I don't understand.  I tried to get a ton of things done to keep my mind off of everything, but it was really difficult.  

I ordered a birthday gift to be delivered to our dear Mary Pat in Baltimore and texted her to let her know.  She called and the timing was perfect.  We cried together.  She helped to talk me through things and even after losing her husband 3 years ago, she still struggles.  Together, we are doing our best to make the most of our counseling sessions even though it isn't what we really want to do.

The weather was beautiful so Meade and I walked to the church to play.  As soon as we got there, school called.  Gregory was in the clinic with a headache.  Apparently he spent all morning with his head on his desk crying - not like him at all.  We put two and two together and realized that it is probably from his second COVID shot yesterday.  Maybe this is why I am struggling today - they offered me my booster and I gladly took it.  Possibly this is why I am not well today. 

We walked back immediately and picked up Gregory.  He was pitiful.  I gave him some motrin and had him lie down.  Wednesday afternoons, the kids go and play at a neighbors with her grandchildren and I asked if he was feeling better if he could still come and she was absolutely okay with that.  I walked them over and should have gone for another walk, but opted to come home and sit at the puzzle.  Again, I was overcome with tears of sadness and anger.  Jacob got home and was really sweet.  He offers to talk about it, but I am not good at that.

I know that anger is part of the grieving process and that is a good thing that I am experiencing it, I suppose.  Grief is hell.  I hate it.  I know it does get better.  I have lived this once.  I just want to be able to snap my fingers and be well again.  

on a whim

While we were supposed to stay in Heathsville until tomorrow morning, we made a last minute decision to come home this evening.  Meade still isn't well and Gregory isn't feeling good now.  Since we were going to leave early, it made sense to come home tonight so we could all sleep in our own beds and hopefully rest a little more than we would have at Granny and Pops'.  I think Jacob was relieved, too.  I am really thankful that there isn't anything planned for this weekend so that we can relax and recharge for the new week.  It is hard to believe that Christmas is right around the corner.

so thankful

We changed our plans to head to Mom and Dad's early for Thanksgiving.  I mentioned my struggles of patience and such to Bethany and said that Meade had a cough.  I think that scared her so much and she said that they would not go to the family Thanksgiving.  That wouldn't be fair.  Everyone wants to be with that baby and I decided that we would wait and make the decision yesterday.  Meade's cough is not better, so we opted not to go there.  Thank goodness for Nana - she took everything we had made for that gathering (even baking one dish) and made sure it got to Dan and Christen's.

It was a really quiet, yet nice day.  Meade was still feeling pretty crummy, so she opted to stay inside and play alone while the boys played out in the woods most of the day.  They kept talking about their forts, the "shop," etc. and all they were doing out there so I asked Gregory to draw me a map of their stuff.  It is precious.  

A couple of times during the day, Mom and Dad were sad, but I didn't let my emotions get to me.  I spent a lot of time doing a puzzle and keeping to myself.  It doesn't feel like Ricky is really gone - just that he isn't here with us right now.  Regardless, it is nice to be with my family at this time.

I was a little relieved that we didn't go to Jacob's family for Thanksgiving.  I wanted so badly to see the baby, but understood that Meade being around with a cold wasn't the best idea.  I am so very thankful for all of them and especially how we have bonded together over the last two years.  What a major blessing we have in baby Makenna.  I couldn't ask for more, except for Ricky to be here with us.

boiling over

Today has been the toughest one yet.  The children have been habitual whiners for a while and it is really getting to me. I’m almost always happy to get what they ask for or help them in anyway, but instead of simply making a request, the prefer to whine.  I can’t handle it.  On the way to school, I even screamed - stop fucking whining! - as Gregory was complaining that his seatbelt was twisted.  I couldn’t get my own shit together and lost it on them.  No, it’s not the first time they’ve heard that word, but I was mortified at my own behavior.

At drop off, one of the teachers said I was the best mom. A very nice thought, but if she’d been around 10 minutes prior, she’d be wanting to call CPS. I cried the whole way home and could barely function yet I was so thankful to have sometime to myself.

Crossing off my to-do list was short lived.  The school called.  Meade went to school with a cough, but no fever.  Regardless, she needed to go home and couldn’t return tomorrow without a negative test.  Thanks, COVID.

Thankfully, I was able to get her to the pediatrician quickly but the morning was wasted by the time we got home.  I had so much to do, but didn’t want her in front of a screen all day.  This, not much got done on my end.

Thank goodness for a text from my therapist to remind me that I had a session at noon.  The last thing I wanted to do, but it was on the agenda so I had to.  Plus, I knew I needed it.  We talked about random things.  There were several lulls and I waited for her to ask me something.  I was not engaging very well, plus Meade was in the background or on my lap.

Eventually I told her about the fiasco this morning. She asked me about coping mechanisms which I simply stated even if I know them, I don’t often use them as I should.  She said I am like a boiling pot of water and unless I turn the burner down, I’m going to keep spilling over. No shit.  So, her thought was to take deep breaths.

Focused breathing?  Not easy when you’ve got kids screaming, crying and whining right beside you.  But yes, I can give it a whirl.

From the moment Gregory got in the car, he started whining.  Why did Meade leave school?  I wanted to go home early! Meade got a donut? That’s not fair!  I tried to keep my cool and take deep breaths. It took all I had to make it home without breaking.

Snacks - have whatever.  I didn’t have it in me to fight - they were fighting each other enough without me in the mix.  I had about all I could handle of their bickering and noticed that their snack trash was on the floor.  I asked them both about 5 times and gave them 10 minutes to get it in the trash.  Gregory flat out refused so I took his iPad.  Well, that brought on about 45 minutes of screaming, stomping and crying.  Finally Jacob got home and I said it was all him from there. 

I’m so grateful that I had a walk planned with a friend and colleague.  We walked about two miles until it was dark.  It was nice to catch up on our personal lives and work.  She’s a good ear to have and her kids are older so she totally gets it.  I needed that time out in life badly.

Ever since I got home, I haven’t done much with the kids - I think Jacob realized it wouldn’t be good for any of us.  

weekend fun

This weekend we were able to have a few things planned to keep the kids occupied.  Mom called Saturday morning and asked me to come down and go fishing with Dad on Sunday.  I wanted to go so badly but didn’t want to be on the road for three hours plus freeze out in the bay.  It made sense to decline for now and find family stuff to do at home. 

Yesterday, Jacob took Meade to see the high school adaptation of Beauty and the Beast.  It was an abbreviated matinee specifically for children.  Jacob’s friend from a long time ago was selling the tickets because her daughter was Belle.  I think it was a really nice outing for Jacob and Meade to have together.  She even got to take a picture with Belle!

Gregory and I stayed home until the cleaning crew left. We scheduled the house cleaning thanks to our generous friends that gifted it to us a few weeks ago amidst all of the craziness.  I can’t think of a more thoughtful thing, especially when meals are coming out of our ears.  

Once the cleaning ladies left, Gregory and I went on a nature walk at the Totopotomy trail. It was nice to have some alone time with him, all while getting some exercise.  

Saturday evening, we had planned to go to a friends house for kid play and supper.  It ended up turning into a Friendsgiving of sorts with another family and the host’s parents.  It was nice to be with the other families and since one of the gals is from home, we could talk openly about Ricky.  There was some baby/surgery talk too, but not too much.  

At one point, I had to take a break and go outside.  Im just not myself, especially in social situations.  Thankfully, everyone understood.  It was such a low key environment where I was comfortable we even stayed out past bedtime.  

Today, since I declined fishing, even though my heart wanted so badly to be on the water with Dad, we had a couple of fun, impromptu activities.

I invited the families we were with last night to send their kids over to bake cookies for their teachers for thanksgiving.  It was so nice to stay busy, see the kids have fun, and let them play freely for a while.  I think everyone had fun.  Then, we were lucky to have Aunt Shut and bear come play this afternoon.  

Alison and I talked a lot about everything, especially Ricky.  She brought up some things I hadn’t thought of, which made me think.  I just wish that I wasn’t in this place of grief.  I know it gets better and it will - I just hate this in between stage.  

overdue date

Thanks to Cheryl and Steve, Jacob and I went out to supper tonight. Not only did they give us the restaurant gift card, but they also came over to take care of the children so we could have a night out.

The food at the Sedona Tap House was amazing.  I was pleasantly surprised.  I’d never heard of the restaurant before! We are way too many appetizers and trying to finish our meals wasn’t going to happen.  I had an awful headache by the time we left because I was trying so hard to hold my tears back.

We were sitting outside on their patio as it was a nice evening and the sky behind Jacob was beautiful.  I couldn’t help but think about the last few weeks and the tears just started flowing.  I wasn’t boohooing but the tears just streamed.  It’s such an awful feeling not being in control of my emotions. 

Life isn’t fair. I know that. I’ll never understand why Ricky was called to heaven early but I have to believe that he is happy.  I’m not, but it’s not about me.  I selfishly want him here.  I want him with his son.  I want our family to be whole. I don’t want to be the only one left.  I don’t want my parents to grieve another child. 

As the tears rolled down my cheeks, Jacob said that for the first time in his life he is mad at God.  This snapped me back to reality and I had to say this isn’t a time to be angry with God.  We can be angry about the situation but God knows what he is doing, even if it makes no sense to us.

Trying to hold back the emotions brought on an awful headache and I was so glad to get home.  The kids were spoiled and had an amazing time with Bethany’s parents.  It was heartwarming to see them having such fun playing games when we returned. 

neighbor help

One of our dear neighbors, Ms. Sally, has been asking to have the children over to play with her grandchildren for a while.  We made it happen today after school and before the Wednesday evening routine.  When I confirmed with her, I asked if I needed to stay.  If not, I was going to go out for a walk.

Ms. Sally immediately told me to walk that she would be fine with the kids.  My heart needed that time alone, in nature. At one point, I started getting a little upset and with the heavy breathing was worried I was bringing on a panic attack.  I thought I would need to call Jacob but talked myself off the ledge and control my breathing.  The three miles went too fast - my mind yearned for more.  That said, my body was done.  Hah!

The children had a grand time over there and can’t wait to go back!

This morning, I had another treat, too.  I met an old friend for breakfast. We talked a lot about everything going on and she was a good sounding board because she has been bombarded with big events (good and bad) in a short time period in the past.  

I’m so thankful for those that continue to surround me in love and prayer.  I could never be still standing without them.

legal help

Today we met with an attorney to sort out the next steps to get everything on Ricky's end handled.  I learned a few things and Mom, Dad, and I divided items up to follow through on.  I will apply to be the administrator for him once he has been dead for 60 days.  I can't do much with some of the financial things until that point.  

The best part of today is that I took a nap AND a walk.  Doing both is so helpful to me mentally and physically.  I definitely needed the mental help after meeting with the lawyer today.

no time for rest

Today has been another whirlwind - glad I rested up yesterday.  I got up early and did my normal Sunday morning grocery run.  Then, I was simply exhausted.  I told Jacob I need to go upstairs and lie down around 9.  My intention was to take a quick nap, get up and run some errands, then shower and get ready for a little guy's 8th birthday party.  

I didn't wake up until noon!  I slept for three whole hours!  While it felt nice, it also worries me about getting to sleep tonight.  So much for those errands, eh, I'll get them done this week.  After the birthday party, we were looking forward to seeing Bethany, Phillip and Makenna and then a couple of other friends were stopping by for a quick visit.

The birthday party was really nice.  I wasn't sure how I'd handle being in the large group of Moms and Dads that I had been with before, but it wasn't too bad.  The grandmother of the birthday boy even made a point to come up to me and give me accolades for the birth and also condolences for Ricky. She was really sweet.  

Bethany and Phillip arrived a little after we got home.  They gave the kids each a book and a present for helping me to help them become a family.  It was all super generous and the kids were in hog heaven.  I was holding little Makenna the whole time, telling her how much I loved her, and simply in awe that this little gal grew in my belly for the last 9 months.  It truly doesn't resonate.  I wonder if it ever will.  

Then, Phillip gave Jacob an envelope for the both of us.  When I got to see what it was, I was so surprised, upset, thankful, etc.  All of the emotions.  We didn't do this for gifts, we did this to give a gift - not to receive them.  Well, they had given the two of us two nights at the Tides Inn, an upscale, riverfront resort type destination on the Rappahannock - literally only about twenty minutes from my parents home.  On top of that, they gave a hefty gift card to cover all meals/amenities while we were there.

The more I think about it, this was the perfect gift.  The luxury is something we probably would never have done for ourselves and it gives us some time away that we desperately need.  I just can't believe it.

Then, there were two more envelopes - one addressed to Gregory and one to Meade, both from Makenna.  Each of them had a sweet message about how thankful Makenna was that they helped their mom make them a family and she wanted to help with their future.  Then, a very large check to each of them for their college accounts.  Again, so unnecessary, but very appreciated.  Bethany knew they would make me uncomfortable, but said I couldn't get mad because it was from Makenna.  Okay, I guess so.  The visit with them was wonderful. They had grabbed Jacob a fishing bag, Alabama shirt, lots of gift cards to different fast food places, etc.  I'm so glad they showered him with something special, too.

A little bit after they left, our friends Thomas and Nicole stopped by to bring us supper.  Their little boy and the rest of us went downstairs to watch some football and chat while the kids played.  It was a really nice time together.  

Overwhelmed is an understatement.  I hope that one day I can return all of the favors, love, support, etc. to everyone that has been so kind to us over the last several weeks.  All of it still seems like I am watching the story of someone else's life, not living it as my own.

home on the water

It was so nice and relaxing to be home with my parents.  Mom and Dad don't let me lift a finger to help with anything - around the house or with the children.  I literally sat on my bottom most of the last couple of days, doing different puzzles.  I am feeling pretty good.  I was worried about breaking down while there, but I held it together.  

Dad picked up Ricky's son and he joined us Friday evening.  I think we all were worried about him being there for the first time since his dad passed and figured it would be best to have my children there as a distraction.  Dad said he got teary when he left his mom, but everything went well once he got on the road.  The nighttime routine was what we were dreading.  Ricky's son always slept with him.  He said he wanted to sleep with Gregory, which was fine, but they couldn't both go up awake at the same time.  

Mom had him stay up a little bit later and read with him for a while until Gregory was asleep and then put him in bed with Gregory.  I was waiting to hear him yell all night long for his dad, he often did this anytime is dad got out of bed.  Thankfully, there were no issues.  We got up and did the morning routine without problems.  

My family had to leave early to get Gregory back for his last soccer game.  It was fun to watch him play with both Nana and cousin, boy Meade.  Meade even brought little Bear.  I was looking forward to it because I had the coaches gifts - one for all kids to sign - and cookies for each family.

Once we got home, I was a vegetable on the couch.  I took a nap, woke up for a bit and took another nap.  I guess I was tired.  Now, I am wide awake and it is way past my bedtime.  

reasons unknown

I had my follow up with Dr. C today.  She checked my incision and felt that everything is great.  When I mentioned that my fat roll was botched, she dismissed it and said that it just looks funny due to the swelling.  I am not having that, but figured she would see at the six week check.  All in all, though, everything is great.  I felt that my incision smelled bad but she didn't smell it and there was no indication of any infection or anything.  

When sweet Charity, our nurse, was doing my vitals and such, she went through the postpartum assessment.  Every question was something about moods, behaviors, and when asked if anything has changed or if anything is essentially bad, is it for reasons unknown.  I answered everything honestly because even though I am struggling, I know the reasons.  I think I've mentioned this before, but I do not in any way feel that my sadness has anything to do with the birth or the baby.  And frankly, I am probably better off since sweet Makenna was born.  My hormones should be getting somewhat back to normal, which is what throws me for a loop emotionally during pregnancy.

Mom and I grabbed the kids from school and headed down to her house for a couple of days.  The kids are off school tomorrow and we need to be back Saturday morning for soccer.  I never thought to pack snacks for the ride to Granny and Pops', instead I was sure to be stocked for the soccer game.  As if that makes any sense - but, that shows you where I am mentally these days.  The kids were fussing and whining so much about the lack of snacks - even though I had some random things in the car - as well as the temperature.  Meade is always hot and Gregory is always cold.

Finally, my poor Mom lost it.  She yelled at Meade:  that's enough, I have heard enough, damnit!  I knew this wasn't going to end well.  Even though it shut Meade up for the remainder of the ride, it hurt Granny that she broke.  I reached over to hold her hand and just rubbed her arm a little - I knew what was coming.  Poor Mom couldn't hold back the tears and quietly sobbed for a moment.  It broke my heart.  I know all too well this feeling, especially now.

Eventually, we made it here to Heathsville.  It was so wonderful to see and hug daddy and just be.  Sarah was there helping with tons of things around the house, as she had been doing for weeks now.  Thank God for her!  We had a nice evening with the normal routine, my favorite supper, puzzling, and even a game of ten thousand before Sarah went home.  

I do feel some peace in my heart being here.  I was nervous about it being the first time without Ricky being there since he passed, but it hasn't hit me yet, if it will even do so these next couple of days.  We all miss Jacob, but I am where I need to be at this time.

busy wednesday

I've dreaded today for a while.  The first therapy visit since birth, and well, since Ricky died.  I don't want to talk through this stuff with anyone else just yet.  I just want to manage through the days that keep coming.  That said, I didn't have a choice and Mom was in my ear that I had to go.

It wasn't that bad.  I blindsided my therapist with the birth was fine, I am fine from that, but my brother passed away 5 days prior to the birth.  I think it was like a whammy had just been dropped in her lap.  She didn't know what to say, which was fine with me because then I didn't have to respond.  I wish there was a way for a therapist to just tell me how to help myself verses going through all of the emotions and reliving everything.  I do understand, though, that talking about it is part of the process and there is no step by step way to get through grief. 

I told her I felt numb or frozen to everything.  However, when I said that I forgot how much this hurts, she said I am definitely not numb.  She suggested we meet again soon and I said three weeks.  In the background, mom held out two fingers.  So, the week of Thanksgiving, I have another session set.  In all honesty, though, I feel no postpartum depression.  I think all my feelings are stemming from Ricky's untimely death.  I am so damned happy for Bethany and Phillip, however, it is hard to feel that happiness.  I in no way want Makenna to be mine - she is exactly where she needs to be. 

We ended the call with another appointment set for November 22nd.  Ugh - I tried to go three weeks, but Mom was yelling two in the background and the therapist agreed.

We were all set for dance class and ninja monkeys and our dear friend Adrienne brought us supper.  Listening to my Mom and Adrienne talk was so cathartic to me.  I loved that they could chat, especially about God and the bible and I just listened.  I didn't want Adrienne to leave, but we had lots going on for the evening.  In addition, Adrienne brought over a delicious meal of steak, potatoes, and asparagus - exactly what Jacob had in mind.  I think we were all thrilled with the supper!

I checked my email on a whim and noticed that dance class was cancelled due to a power outage.  Of course.  Poor Meade looks so forward to dance, I immediately went in the other room to see if a close nail salon could fit us in for manicures.  That way we could divert Meade's attention with something special.  It was really nice to go and do that.  Meade picked the colors for all three of us.  I kind of wish I got the one that Mom got, but all was perfect.

Finally, the day was coming to an end and we came home and ate every bite of supper with so much gratitude.  Sometimes it is hard to get through the days, but I have to remember to be thankful for all I've still got in this world.

distractions

I'm downstairs listening to Granny read to the children.  Gregory is doing so well reading on his own, but sometimes getting him to do so is a feat.  Granny bribes them with M&Ms to read sometimes.  I look the other way because I want them to learn to love to read.  

It has been an okay day.  Mom and I went to the grocery store early and grabbed a few random items and also gift cards for Gregory's soccer coach's end of the year gift.  I am glad that I am heading up that effort.  I ordered a nice print from etsy last night and a frame from amazon to put it in.  I'll get the team to sign their names on the matting.  

Mom was a rock star getting several more thank you notes in the mail.  It has gotten to the point that all of the ones she has left, she physically needs to do.  I have finished mine for now, but more and more come in each day in which I need to acknowledge.  

I felt the need to reach out to a couple of friends that I saw last night - I feel so rude.  It is really strange, but it is easier for me to talk to people I don't really know at this time.  I can usually keep my composure with them.  When people I know want to chat, I lose my shit quickly, so I don't engage at all.  I know, it is not the best technique, but what I have to do for right now.  Our friends were so kind and understanding when I simply apologized.  They went further to say that they were hurting for me, not hurt by me.  That resonates and makes me feel a tad better.  I do, though, feel like an awful friend.

On the way to grab the kids, I finally connected with our nurse, Kim from Shady Grove.  Her colleague is a friend of mine on facebook (we realized this over the summer).  My friend had reached out to her to let her know of Ricky's death and also the birth of Makenna.  Kim was beyond kind and sweet, saying all the right things when prefacing it with the fact that she had no words to address our last couple of weeks.

I took the kids over to the the church to play so that mom could meet via telephone with her psychiatrist - she really needs to address what is going on and make sure that her meds are right at this time.  It was good to have some time to just think out in the nature with the kids happy yelling around me.  

VCU follow up

I think I've probably stated this but I am less than satisfied with VCU when it comes to anything beyond direct care (which is most wonderful).  Well, today is no different.  I had a surgery follow up this morning with an NP that I had never met before.  It was virtual.  How can a surgery follow up be virtual?  Don't you want to look at the incision?

Well, it was ten minutes after the scheduled time and still no call or text to join any appointment.  I sent messages via the portal and just waited.  Eventually, an NP called. She was very nice, but had no idea the situation.  She kept asking me questions about breastfeeding, the baby, etc.  I finally had to stop her and tell her that I am not the baby's mother.  This took her back.  I told her how frustrating it is that all providers have electronic medical records yet no one reads them and just assumes they know what they're talking about.

The poor NP was so apologetic.  While she asked about the incision, I told her that I am not the one to make the determination that it is doing well or not.  I don't understand why this is a virtual visit.  She mentioned that since COVID, most people didn't want to come out in public with a new baby.  That was not my situation and I prefer to have the proper care regardless.  She understood.  She then asked several questions about my mood, which I answered honestly.  She was leaning into postpartum depression to which I feel like I screamed out of frustration - NO MY BROTHER JUST DIED!  I mean, that was in my chart, too.

I felt bad for how I was treating her, but the frustration was getting the best of me.  She couldn't have been any nicer, though.  She suggested I get on the calendar to see Dr. C to look at the incision to which I was thankful for.  She let me know that someone would be reaching out to schedule something.  We all know how scheduling goes - wonder if I will even get that call?

Mom and I worked on what feels like thousands of thank you notes the rest of the morning.  It was nice that Meade was back in school!  

This afternoon, before soccer practice, we took Gregory in for his first COVID shot.  He had no idea what was going on.  The local school had it set up like clockwork!  Until we got into the area where shots were being directly given and Gregory was in the chair, he had no idea what was going on.  He absolutely lost it.  Jacob held him down and the shot was finally administered.  

We sat and waited with some friends before heading to soccer.  Jacob engaged, but I didn't.  I couldn't.  Things are just too tough for me right now and I don't want to be a blubbering mess.  I hope that our friend understands.  

Off to soccer we went and it was nice to chat with moms I don't know well.  For some reason, I can hold my composure so much better when people aren't aware of anything.  It helps me to forget a little, too.  I said I would facilitate a coach gift, which gives me something else to focus on right now.  The friend from the COVID shot, her husband, came up to me at practice and I again was very short and not engaging. Ugh, I feel awful about it, but I don't know how else to approach things right now.

One day things will be better and life will be joyful again.

a perfect family

I got a "sneak peek" at some family photos that Bethany and Phillip had taken.  I am in awe.  This is the reason I began the journey to help them.  Look at this most beautiful family!  No one can ever take this gesture away from me and while it still doesn't feel like I was a part of it, I am thrilled that I was able to help.

Bethany looks amazing and poor Phillip, so happy, looks utterly exhausted.  Welcome to parenthood, my friends!

all the family

Today was a big day and I am utterly exhausted.  It started with a trip with the kids to Target.  What was I thinking?  Oh, I wanted them to pick out some special things for Sarah for her birthday later this week.  I am not the target type - at all!  So, my children very rarely go there.  It was so funny to see Meade in awe, squealing that it was the best place ever.  

Since they have been going through the motions with us, I said that they could each get a toy that was under five dollars.  Hah - that was a feat.  I think I spent almost $40 on two things - one for each of them.  It took forever for each of them to pick out what they wanted and I was beyond over it.  Finally, I let Gregory go in the boy aisle and was with Meade in the girl aisle.  Bad idea.  I don't think about kids stealing children or anything of the sort, so when I went looking for Gregory, I got a little worried.  A couple of different gentleman both pointed to aisles WAY far down from where we were.  There are definitely still good people in this world!

While the trip to Target wasn't necessarily fun for me.  It warmed my heart to see the kids so excited to pick out items for Sarah.  The fact that they really think about what she may want (but also what they like) is sweet.

Jacob's uncle from Florida is in town and Nana was planning to get us all together for lunch.  Jacob decided that he would prefer to host at our house, which makes sense for the room aspect as well as letting the kids be kids down in the basement so that the adults could have time without the constant chaos that always ensues.

Jacob and I tag teamed cleaning in the house.  I couldn't do too much, but I tried to tidy up the main floor and vacuum.  Jacob also worked on the yard.

Nana and her beau were here early to set up.  They literally brought everything.  I didn't have to lift a finger.  I felt bad that she had to do all of that - it was like she packed her entire kitchen on top of all of the food.  Anything to make Jacob happy right now.  It was good to have that floor separation with the kids, though.

The visit was wonderful as was the simple food that Nana brought.  It was so nice to catch up with Uncle Jack and learn about his new routine in Florida.  I think it is so awesome that he volunteers with a horse stable that caters to special needs kids at certain times.  Uncle Jack walks around the horses with those children and is able to see them light up in that environment.  It must be so rewarding.

As we sat around and chatted, it was funny because people often rolled their eyes at Jacob.  Nana asked how I dealt with him and some of the crazy things he says.  I told her that I used to argue with him, but now I just sit back and say nothing.  She told us of something she and others had said in the past - "TSTR."  When I inquired, it is apparently, too stupid to respond.  I like that and feel as if that is how I often approach some of these conversations.

Nana did most all of the clean up, too.  When it was time for everyone to depart, my cousins, Christopher and Angie arrived with supper.  A delicious baked ziti, salad, rolls, and rainbow cookies for the children.  Even as adults, we love the Ukrop's rainbow cookies.  They were only here a few minutes, but my parents and Sarah showed up in time to see them.  It was good for us all to catch up a little bit.  I am so glad that Mom is back for the next week.  If only Dad and Sarah could stay, too.

We had a nice supper thanks to my cousin and his wife.  Mom and Dad made ice cream pies and we sang happy birthday to both me and Sarah, a little surprise for her.  Gregory was beyond excited to present her with her bag of presents.  I think she liked most of it!  Nothing like letting young children pick everything out!

So, big day in these parts.  Mom and I looked at the calendar for the week and now we are headed off to bed to hopefully get some rest.

normal saturday

Well, what is "normal" anymore?  I don't know.  Without Mom, we tried to find some normalcy in our day.  Gregory had a soccer game this morning and so we went as a family.  I am slow walking out to the field, but it was good to get out.  If only the sun was shining.  It was freezing out there with the wind.  Gregory was a jackass on the field - not paying attention and when he was, he wasn't hustling.  I think all of the kids were a little off because of the chill.

I ended up taking a long nap on the couch and Jacob did everything with the children - thank goodness for him.  My body is still pretty sore, but I don't have to take the pain meds around the clock anymore, which is nice.  

This evening, a family friend and now colleague, dropped off supper to us from a local BBQ joint.  Jacob was so happy to have some man food for supper.  I will tell you, nothing beats well seasoned (i.e. bacon) green beans!  I could have eaten the whole pint of those on my own.  It was really nice to see Sarah and get a hug from her.  Even though she delivered, the meal was provided by my team at work that I left in July.  While I'm no longer working directly with them, they remain great friends and now support to me.

As much as we needed a break, I miss my parents.  I want my Mom back.  I wish we could all be together.

tough day

Today has been rough for Mom and me.  I think that we both don't want to part ways this evening, but know that it is important.  We had made plans to meet Dad in Tappahannock so he didn't have to drive the full way here, yet, Mom called him crying early to say she needed to be home sooner.

Together, we have been crying a lot today.  It started when Mom helped Meade get her helmet off after taking Gregory to the bus stop and her neck got pinched.  Meade started crying so Mom followed suit.  Neither of us could get it together.  There was no fault by anyone, but we were just starting to feel the intensity of the last two weeks and the fact that we haven't even begun to process anything.

Of course, Dad didn't realize the need to get here ASAP, but instead took his time and got here early afternoon.  Poor mom was struggling the entire morning.  We got through Meade's Zoom calls just barely and continued to wait.  

It is good we are expressing our emotions, for sure.  I think the weekend away from each other will be good for both of us.  She and Dad need time together.  I need time with Jacob.  I am looking forward to when she comes back Sunday, though.  

zooming through

Since Meade's class is on quarantine, we have had the pleasure of introducing Zoom to her for two different half hours this morning.  It hasn't been fun for us, but she has enjoyed both circle time with her friends as well as story time.  Story time was nostalgic as they read Goodnight Moon.  

Once this was over, my dad's cousin that lives down the road stopped by.  Sue is the nicest person you'll ever meet!  She came bearing tons of gifts - coloring stuff and games for the children, the softest throw blanket for me and even a gift for baby Makenna.  The time we spent with Sue talking about our family was just what the doctor ordered.  

Mom and I are doing our best to be strong for one another.  We have our moments, but that is to be expected.  My boobs are still excruciatingly sore - I sure hope that this gets resolved soon.  The nurse did call back and I was less than pleased.  Apparently, Dr. C does not believe that there is a medicine that will help the milk dry up and I just have to keep doing tylenol and motrin for the pain.  I got pissed with the nurse and when she didn't understand, I even used the f word.  Goodness, I had no idea of this pain and I just need some relief.  I was somewhat embarrassed by my language, but on the other hand, it shouldn't take 24 hours to get word that there is nothing that can be done.

This evening, Steve and Cheryl brought more suppers.  We had a delicious Tuscan Shrimp dish that was amazing.  We also froze a crockpot chicken dish that we can take out of the freezer in the future.  Our time with them was really nice as well.  They are so generous to us!  They even reminded us that when I am feeling better, they really want to come over and watch the children so we can go out to supper, just Jacob and me.  

My emotions are still at bay.  I know there is so much to process, but I fear that if things don't start happening, I am going to break one day.  The good thing is that I don't really feel any postpartum blues.  I didn't expect to, but all of this is new territory for me.  I must be thankful for that, for sure.

a frozen heart

There's no way to explain how conflicted I am right now.  I have experienced the lowest of the lows and the highest of the highs over the past week and I still can't feel either of them yet.  All I can think is that my heart is frozen.  Maybe one day it will thaw?

As I got up to pee last night before Jacob came to bed, I saw the children both in my bed, sleeping peacefully. That provided me some comfort and a smile.  It was as if I could feel some emotions, but the ones I wanted to feel were eluding me.

Dad and Sarah came this morning, but couldn't stay too late this afternoon because it is his monthly poker night with his buddies out in the Northern Neck.  The best part of the day was that Bethany, Phillip and Makenna were going to stop by for a little bit, too.  Oh, I couldn't wait for Daddy to meet Makenna.  His heart is going to be so full.

When the new little family arrived, we welcomed them into our sun room, which we hadn't used yet since being in this new house.  The heat was on and it was a perfect spot to be together.  Dad held Makenna first.  Seeing him with her, watching tears stream down his face, melted my heart a little.  I was thankful for that and also shed a few tears.  

The children were able to see the baby for the first time and while Gregory was fine to be on his way, Meade was in love, trying to touch her all over.  They were wearing masks and only allowed to touch her feet for now.  I love how sweet and protective Meade is being, but I also love how Bethany and Phillip are standing their ground with Meade, when she gets too close or tries to touch Makenna not on her socks.  

I couldn't have asked for a better visit.  It was heartwarming and I think did all of us a lot of good.  It meant so much that Bethany and Phillip were comfortable coming over here with a five day old to say hi and bring us so much joy.

This evening, both of the children had their activities - Meade goes to dance class and Gregory has Ninja Monkeys.  Our friend, Lindsay, picked up mom and Meade so that they could together go to dance without either of us driving.  It was nice to have a few minutes to myself and I laid down on the coach for about 45 minutes.  I think I needed that.  Mom enjoyed watching Meade dance, too, so it was a win for us all.

all the help

None of this would be possible without the constant help and support from others.  The past two days have been tough physically and emotionally, but thanks to Nana and Aunt Shug here to help me and Mom, they have been bearable.  

Never once have I felt like I had to be up and on top of things.  Everyone else just took care of everything.  We are continuing to get flowers, meals, etc. and it is nice to not have to be there to greet everyone.  Sunday, Dad and Sarah had brought the collage that my cousin's wife, Angie, had made for the funeral home.  I am delighted and sad at the same time when I peek at that each time walking through the kitchen.  It is perfect and so sweet.  I love it.

Physically, today has been rough.  I woke up with two bowling balls on my chest.  It was hard to breathe and I wasn't sure what was going on until I rolled over and realized that those bowling balls were my boobs.  My milk had never really come in with my two so this was new territory for me.  Aunt Shug came around 11 and we asked her to grab cabbage for me to put in my bra.  I will do anything at this point.

I also called Dr. C and left a message to see if I could get the prescription to help dry up the milk.  On top of the boobs being engorged, tight, and unbearably sore, the ducts that I have had in my arm pits the entire pregnancy are the same.  They are awful.  It hurts so bad to put deodorant on.  In looking at them, they are so tight and rigid.  It is hard to explain.  I am thankful I haven't had to deal with this before and feel for all the other moms that have.  What a disaster!  I am hoping that the nurse calls back with that prescription soon.  

Aunt Shug drove me over to vote.  While it wasn't super painful, I was just slow and we told them that I had just had surgery so I would move a little slower than normal.  Everyone was fine with it.  Mr. Bruce and Ms. Sue, our across the street neighbors that actually know Uncle Bobby from coaching days and then we realized graduated from Bridgewater with Nana and Mr. Tulli, are bringing over a pizza for supper tonight.  

I know I have said it before, but our village is the best.  It continues to widen and we couldn't be more appreciative for all of the love provided in addition to everything else.

good to be home

Discharge went faster than I thought it would.  Since there wasn't the dual discharge of me and baby together, everything was much smoother.  There was no coordination between the OB and the Ped staff.  All of the extra paperwork for baby since I am just the gestational carrier was completed before they discharged yesterday.

I was in constant contact with my dad and cousin who were dropping off my aunt from Florida off at the airport.  My hope was that they could swing by the hospital and grab me.  It all worked out perfectly.  They were going to grab breakfast but didn't even have time to do that.  I was ready to be discharged and they were on their way.  They scooped me up, along with the beautiful flower arrangement that my dad sent yesterday.  He also sent a teddy bear, balloon, and an edible arrangement that I gave to the hospital staff once mom, Bethany and Phillip had what they wanted.  Dad was so damned proud and happy through the tears.  It bothered me he sent all of that, but it made him happy so I had to just sit back and be thankful.

We got home and the kids were eating donuts that Aunt Leigh grabbed them after they just went out for breakfast.  These kids are so spoiled.  

I was tired and needed to lie down, but a call came in.  It looked like the number from the school, but I thought they would not be calling on a weekend.  Boy was I wrong.  It was the principal, nonetheless, informing us that Meade was exposed to someone with COVID on Tuesday and that she would need to be out until the 8th.  Ugh, I guess it is good that I am already home and Mom is here with me.  That said, we couldn't let the children trick or treat with friends until we got a negative result back from a rapid test.  

Poor Jacob, he was on point to get those done.  We realized we couldn't schedule anything but KidMed was accepting walk ins.  We finally got the results we hoped for, everyone was negative.  Plans switched and instead of going to one friends' house, Jacob decided on a closer option to go trick or treating for a little bit with another set of friends and would return with enough time to go to a few houses right on our street.

Mom and I had chairs at the end of the driveway and gave out candy to the few trick or treaters that we had.  I was surprised by the little number of kids - I have no idea where they all went instead.  Neighbors came out to check on me and my mom and it was a really nice time.  We didn't stay out for too long and only until Jacob and the kids returned from going down the street here.  

It has been a long day and I basically came straight to bed.  I wish the kids had school tomorrow, but they are out tomorrow for a teacher workday and then Tuesday for election day.  Thankfully, Nana is helping us tomorrow and Aunt Shug on Tuesday.  Somehow, someway, we will make it through. Hopefully, with some sleep sprinkled in here and there.

I went upstairs and laid down for a little bit so I could get some rest before the evening Halloween festivities.  Jacob and my mom got each of the children dressed and ready to go.

finally, rest

Brittany gave me the sleeping med at the beginning of her shift last night and it helped tremendously.  While she came in and out to keep me going on the pain meds, I was able to get right back to sleep.  I still had to have more meds for the itching, too.  Apparently this will go away soon and is a side effect of the epidural meds.  

Around seven this morning, I was a little worried that Brittany had left.  I immediately pressed the call bell and asked if I could say goodbye to her before she left.  She said absolutely and that she wasn't going to leave without coming back in again - I think we were both happy.

Brittany came in and she even said she didn't ask this often but asked if she could give me a hug.  I was so delighted and welcomed a hug from her.  Like I said before, something clicked between the two of us and I was so comforted by her and wish we could continue to see each other and chat outside of the hospital environment.  That would be strange, though, and I didn't want to put her in that weird predicament so I never asked.

The way everyone is talking, we can discharge today.  While I think I definitely need more healing and rest, I want to be home for Halloween with the children tonight.  They have plans, but I would like to see them if at all possible.  The doctor came in around six am and was happy for me to go home.  She would send me with more pain meds as well as some of that sleeping medication.

I am thankful that I am on track with the physical healing and that I should be able to go home today.

incredible care

All of the nurses and physicians I have been dealing with since being here have been amazing.  Especially this amazing night nurse named Brittany.  I don't know what it is, but I want to be her friend.  Because I wasn't able to sleep much, she was in a lot and helping me.  I was on a regimen of the oxycodone, tylenol, and motrin, all at different times.  The epidural was wearing off, so the pain was inevitable.  She was trying to keep me comfortable and also having to give me more meds for the itching through the night.

The catheter had to be in for twelve hours, so around 3am, Brittany removed that and together we walked to the bathroom.  She was proud of me for how well I was doing, but I must say each step was tough.  At shift change this morning, I really didn't want her to leave.  However, the day nurse, Theresa has been just as wonderful.

I have been able to get up and go to the potty on my own several more times today.  Mom came a little bit before lunch time and was able to stay with me most of the day.  My aunt drove back over from the eastern shore and went to the soccer game with Jacob and the kids - I was really thankful for that.  My Aunt Alison was having a few friends to her house this evening so I told my mom she should go to that, which would cut her time with me today short.  I was okay with that.  She needed to be with others, too.  

Bethany and Phillip were in and out a few times today.  It was heartwarming to see them so often and be able to spend time with the three of them.  I held little Makenna a bunch and just soaked in her sweet smell and stared at her beautiful face.  Yes, she is still a little alienish, but that is normal.  However, like anyone close to a newborn, you look beyond that and just find beauty.  

Mama, Papa, and baby were discharged this evening.  It felt like a million years before they got all of their paperwork done, but I was thankful because it meant more time I got to spend with them.  They brought Makenna over before mom left and you could tell they were just exhausted.  I don't think they slept a wink either.  It was almost like they needed a little break and my mom held Makenna for a good bit, another perfect moment to capture in my heart forever.  

I welcomed a shower around 3pm - they said it had to be 24 hours after surgery.  Theresa helped to get me everything I needed and what I couldn't do, like washing some of the sticky stuff off my back, my mom came in and helped with.  Man, I feel like a new person since the shower!  Pain is still here, but that is to be expected.  The bleeding is heavy, yet normal.  

I have already asked the nurse for sleeping medication for tonight since I didn't sleep last night.  They are going to give me hydroxyzine in a little bit, which not only is for sleeping but also for anxiety.  Best of both worlds, I suppose.  I just want to rest and to forget the last week.  Randomly, I am reminded that Ricky has passed and it kills me inside.  It doesn't feel real yet although my mind knows he is gone.

I am looking forward to having Brittany again tonight - she is just so calm and comforting.  Hopefully, though, I won't have to bother her too much because I will be resting.  

What a whirlwind it has been.  I wish I could say I wouldn't change anything but that would be a lie.  If only Ricky were here to facetime us and meet Makenna, too.  However, I know that he is up there, with Katie and so many others smiling down on us, protecting each of us as he would have done if he were here in the flesh.

As difficult as it is, my heart is full of gratitude but remains very sad.

an angel is born

I can't express the emotions I am feeling right now.  It feels right to feel joyful and proud of what we accomplished, but it doesn't feel like I can.  When I want to ride the high, I am brought down quickly in remembering that Ricky is still gone.  Life isn't fair and I know that.  I wish I could share this joy with him on this earth, but I know he is celebrating hard in heaven.

I am sitting here trying to sleep, but I can't.  Bethany and Phillip brought Makenna over not long after we came upstairs.  Mom and I both got to hold her.  It was special moments for us all.  I can't express how much I love this little girl, yet how my heart knows she is not mine.  It gives me so much joy to see them as her parents.  I can't ask for anything more.  

I got to snuggle and kiss on her - she is just perfect.  Not long after that visit, Mom called an uber to head home.  I was nervous to be alone, but knew I needed to rest.  I promised Bethany and Phillip that I would be fine and they returned to their room, too.  The nurse had to keep giving me itching meds and asked if I wanted something for sleep.  While I said I wanted it, I felt that it had been such a crazy day that hopefully I would be able to get to sleep on my own.  So much for that.  I sit awake, yet exhausted, at this time.  So often, I catch myself falling asleep, yet it never makes it past dozing.

I even reached out to the little family next door to see if they were still awake.  They came over around 11 and we got to spend more time with each other.  They asked if I wanted to hold her.  I declined because of how tired I was but I think I may have gotten more out of watching them hold her.  Together, they are the perfect little family.  I am so thankful for them and their trust in me.  I still can't fathom that we are here with the baby in their arms.  I feel like I need to pinch myself.  

deliverance

It is not just about the delivery of this special little girl, but about the divine rescue of my heart in this awful time.

I was rolled into the operating room and moved over onto the surgery gurney.  Then, I was asked to sit up and put my arms and face into this contraption that helped me to stay still for the epidural.  Because my delivery was Gregory was so hairy and the epidural never took, I was extremely nervous.  The shot of numbing medication definitely hurt, but it wasn't anything to fret over.

They let the numbing medicine work for a moment and then there was a ton of pushing on my back.  Fingers trying to find out exactly where the epidural needed to be placed.  I felt jolts and pushes but they didn't really hurt a ton.  There was a nurse helping me to stay calm and keep my back arched properly.  She was beyond nice.  Then, there was more tapping on the catheter.  With each tap, my right leg would kick and the pain on the right side was a little rough.

The anesthesiologist in the corner was telling the ones at my back that they were too far to the right, to back up and try again.  It felt like this went on for five minutes - way too long.  I put my head down into the head rest and prayed.  I prayed hard that they would get the epidural in without problem.  Prayers are tough these days and I started crying.  The head anesthesiologist asked if I was crying and I looked at the nurse and whispered I was okay.  She let him know that I was fine and that they could keep going.

Finally, finally, everything started to go numb!  They got it in.  Praise the Lord!  Again, I had never been so thankful, just as I was when they got the epidural in with Meade.  All of the workers in there laid me back and lifted my legs onto the gurney to continue to prep me for surgery.  The fact that I would be awake meant so much.

Pretty quickly, I started feeling awful.  I felt sweaty and out of it and had no idea what was going on.  I heard them mentioning more meds to push into my IV.  Eventually, I was told that my blood pressure dropped pretty low, which is normal right after the epidural so they just administered some ephedrine (or something like that) to get it back up.  

The nurses inserted my catheter and I didn't feel a thing.  I asked several questions, but have no idea what those were.  One of the nurses was kind enough to take my camera so that she could grab some pictures when it was time.  The drape was put into place by the nurses.  Then, Bethany and Phillip entered the room. They were adorable in their scrubs.  I just had a gown on with my sports bra - thank goodness they let me have that.  The last I wanted were my boobs flopping all over in front of Phillip.  Not that either of us cared, but it was nice to keep some dignity around the situation.

Bethany and Phillip took chairs around my head.  I continued to ask questions, like had they started cutting yet.  Of course they had.  They were still making their way through each layer, but were close to getting to my uterus.  Bethany took my hand and we just held each other for the next five minutes or so.  I didn't feel a thing and I think that they were so nervous and excited they had no idea what was going on.

I would ask for confirmation here and there from Dr. C and she would provide it.  All was going well, they were about to get to baby, etc.  Then, I heard someone say grab the camera.  The baby was on its way out and the nurse put the camera up to get that first shot.  I think Bethany and Phillip stood to see.  

Quickly, the baby was whisked away to get the first few things done in the back corner of the room.  Together, Bethany and Phillip joined her.  The nurses and anesthesiologist stayed with me and answered more of my dumb questions.  Baby didn't cry much, but when she did, it made me so happy.  

I was fully expecting little girl to be named Nora, likely Nora June.  However, we knew it would be a last minute decision after they saw her.  Then, I started to hear names I had never heard before.  McKenna was mentioned, to which I yelled I love it (not that it was my decision at all).  I also said that if she were named McKenna, I would call her Henry.  For obvious reasons of course.

Maybe Nora McKenna.  Okay, that sounded good, too.  Then, someone finally said Makenna Noelle!  Perfect, the best one yet.  And that is what stuck.  Perfect little Makenna Noelle was here!  

6lbs 11oz and 19 inches at 1:57pm 

The nurses wrapped baby up and gave her to Bethany and Phillip.  Together, the let me see her as I was still being stitched up (or having tubes removed, who knows).  The nurses took pictures of us and I just enjoyed watching Bethany and Phillip dote over sweet Makenna for what seemed like hours.

Finally, they left and then I headed back to our room in L&D to join them.  Mom was in there and it was so nice to be back and sitting up, taking things in again.  The nurses were tending to baby Makenna to my right and we were all chatting, over the moon for the miracle that had just taken place.  

Eventually, Bethany, Phillip, and Makenna went upstairs to their room in the MIU.  I would be on my way eventually.  I was just awaiting transportation.  They probably got up there an hour or two before me.  Mom stayed with me that entire time.  Becca, my fried from home that is also the manager of the MIU, came down and sat with me and Mom for a while, too.  We reminisced about Ricky, talked about the delivery, and just caught up.  That was nice, especially because there would not be any additional visitors the rest of the stay.  

I was so ready to get to my room and order something to eat.  Once we got upstairs, I started texting those on my list that needed to be informed and was trying to get a little rest at the same time.  I ordered a hummus plate and a personal mushroom pizza from room service.  I'd eat anything, but that sounded really good to me. 

The epidural is still holding strong.  The only side effect I seem to have right now is itching.  Almost all over.  It started during surgery with my nose to which I was told it was normal.  Now, my itching seems to be all over.  The nurse just gave me some meds for that and Mom and I are taking it easy.  Bethany and Phillip should be coming over shortly to visit.  I can't wait!

For Makenna, I have prayed.