eating good

This evening, Cheryl and Steve brought supper again.  I can't get them to stop offering, but then again, can't get myself to stop accepting their willingness to go above and beyond.  The relief of not having to figure out what to make for supper, and making it is huge.  They have promised over and over that they enjoy cooking for us and we are so very thankful.

We were beyond spoiled tonight.  We had the distinct pleasure of having delicious lamb chops, asparagus, and homemade macaroni and cheese.  Plus, we have at least two more meals taking us through the weekend!  You can't ask for much better than that!  They had no idea that lamb is one of my favorite things - reminds me of my Mediterranean roots and more specifically, my Tita.  I rarely buy lamb and if I do, it is typically ground lamb for burgers.  The children thought the "steak" tasted different, but they really enjoyed it.  (We didn't feel like explaining the lamb/sheep truth and it was likely a good idea.)

Amazing is the only word that comes to mind.  Beyond tonight's supper, they provided another meal that we were able to freeze for another day!  The other big win when they deliver food is that we get to give hugs and chat for a little bit, which is always wonderful.  Staying connected is huge and I am so thankful for their constant generosity!  Their grandgal is eating well, for sure!

90 miles

I just got in from my morning walk - I am proud to say that I walked a total of 90 (NINETY) miles this month!  Crazy!  I can't believe I did it.  I am pretty uncomfortable now, but it was worth it.  This exercise is truly the only reason that I am doing as well as I am, mentally and physically throughout the entire pregnancy.  Of course, I still have struggles, but I can't imagine how much worse they'd be without my walking routine.

take all my money!

If you know me, you know I hate spending money.  I have never felt that there was a justified reason to pay someone to do something that I could do.  Yes, time is money, but I am all about doing and saving verses hiring and spending.  Let me tell you, I will hire a house cleaner over and over again moving forward!  What a relief!

I decided to put aside some funds that my parents gave us as gift for the move towards hiring help for cleaning the house, top to bottom - twice!  Once this month and once again next month.  My dear friend, Kristi cleans as a side gig and boy is she really wonderful.  I have gotten her to help in the past yet I got down on the floor with her and we worked side by side (to save me money and have vested interest in keeping it clean).  This time, being in the later stages of pregnancy, I did almost nothing. It has been the greatest stress relief thus far.  

Jacob definitely helps if asked, but not having to ask and getting a good deep clean has been worth every penny.  It is kind of disgusting how yucky the house really was.  I guess I always assume that when I move in, it has been deep cleaned.  Nope, that "broom clean" in the contract doesn't cover much ground!  

The hardest parts of this entire endeavor were committing financially and relinquishing the control.  I think I have grown to realize what is most important - spend the money and know it is in the entire family's best interest to make it happen.  The only problem now is that I may integrate this into the monthly budget!  So be it!

subsequent failures

I must say that while everything with the pregnancy is going pretty well, I am finding myself struggling as a parent.  I feel that this process is taking a toll on the entire family.  While I have written about Jacob, the kids are acting out and being little jerks more and more often these days.  There is never an excuse for them to be assholes, but I know that the environment I am creating, by being fatigued, uncomfortable, and cranky, is not helping the situation at all.

For instance, Meade is "forgetting" to go to the bathroom.  Instead, she would rather pee in her pants and stink all day.  It makes no sense to me.  I think we have gotten to the point that she isn't doing it at school - if she does she is sure to tell me that "the teachers didn't saw it," which obviously makes it okay.  That, or she uses the potty all day, as she should, and then proceeds to pee in her pants on the two minute drive home from school.  It makes no sense to me.  Jacob and I have tried to bribe her with special treats, but it isn't really working.  

Gregory is becoming extremely bossy when it comes to Meade.  Sometimes he is truly doing it to help, other times he is doing it to be a pain to Meade.  Either way, it starts unnecessary fights and then I end up yelling at both of them - because he needs to mind his business and she needs to do what I had already told her to do and he was repeating.  Gregory's favorite come backs now are "I don't care" and "it doesn't matter."  It takes all I have not to go off when he says these things.  In addition, he is not listening to his coaches at soccer or at ninja monkeys.  I am about to take those items away if he doesn't get his act together.  It is so embarrassing witnessing this with others - I'd much rather it only be an issue with me and Jacob.

I know I am not failing but boy are these children making it tough for me to be successful as a mom.  I keep saying this is an age, stage, or phase and this too shall pass.  I do think that a lot of it has to do with everything going on and I hope that once we deliver this baby, things will settle down, I can devote more time to the children, and behavior gets better.  It is pretty sad that I am afraid to open the app that Meade's teacher uses in fear of a bad day note or Gregory's folder when he gets home for the same purpose.

let's celebrate Jacob

I have been celebrated too much and too often through this process.  Yes, it is nice at times, but really, this is God's will.  I am just his vessel.  I am so happy to be in this situation and while none of it has been easy, we are preparing to provide the gift of life.  I cannot wait.  Honestly, being the recipient of so many gifts and kind words often makes me uncomfortable.  I am not doing this for any of the accolades, the satisfaction to help create a family is more than enough kudos.

I have tried to convey this to most people in our village.  As of late, I have started to tell others that if they'd like to do something, make it all about Jacob.  He has been here, supportive and helpful since day one.  He gets so frustrated because I am tried and cranky much of the time - which is proving to get worse as the day goes on.  This makes him cranky and together it just isn't fun.  However, as I mentioned previously, getting Jacob celebrated has been a Godsend.  I am so happy that others are recognizing him and all of what he does to make the entire process work.  

To give you an idea, it is rare that I bathe the kids anymore - he takes care of that most nights.  Many evenings, I have no energy to do anything and am so uncomfortable, I must lie down.  This is typically in the six o'clock hour.  He doesn't say a word, just tells me to go upstairs and he handles the night time routines with the kids.  If I happen to stay up late enough to get the kids to bed, there is no way that I can carry either one up the steps, which is what they are accustomed to.  So, Jacob often carries both kids up two flights of steps to get them in bed simply because I can't.  

Much more than before, Jacob is stepping it up with loading/unloading the dishwasher, doing laundry, keeping things clean, etc.  I am hoping this continues for years to come, but our marriage has always worked well with me taking most of that on.  

I am so appreciative of all he does for each of us and how he keeps the house going on a daily basis.  Please know that your extra thoughts, prayers, and acts of kindness specifically to praise him are felt and are truly making a difference in our daily lives.  It means more than you can understand!

oh therapy

I was pretty nervous as I went into the counseling session today.  Thankfully, I was dressed up (unfortunately for a funeral that I had to go home for) and even had make up on.  I don't know why, but it makes me feel better - fake it until you make it, right?  The therapist was lovely.  Of course, I talked the vast majority of the time.  I set the stage at the beginning to say that right now I want to focus on the present and get tools and guidance of how to be the best version of me through birth and then postpartum.  

I have so many skeletons and insecurities deep down and it will probably behoove me to work on those things, however I need immediate help and want to keep my priority on the here and now.

It was an interesting fifty minutes.  I laid it all out on the line.  The therapist didn't say much.  She basically validated that what I am going through is tough and that anyone would have problems facing daily activities at this time.  The validation was very nice to hear, but on the other hand, how can she help me?  Finally, we were at the juncture of should we continue or not.  I simply said that I am on board if she can provide guidance to me to work through these items and struggle less, I am all ears.  I think that the time was well spent just to develop a relationship.  We will meet again in a couple weeks and I hope that together we can come up with a game plan of different ways for me to think and/or act, approach and/or react so that normal life seems less difficult and more pleasurable.  

One small step to do the right thing - for me!

it is okay...

 ...to not be okay.

Today has been rough, for no reason.  As I sat down to do a puzzle this evening, it dawned on me that there doesn't have to be a reason.  On top of that, it is okay to not be okay.  I have recognized there are issues and I will work on those and be stronger when all is said and done.  While I'm in the thick of it, though, I am trying to embrace this tough time to truly learn more about myself and how I can be a better person - for me.  I often focus on being better for others but forget myself.  If I am going to make it out of this dim time with growth that is essential, then I need to be somewhat selfish.  Although, selfish in this manner means that I can be more and selfless for others down the road.

I don't know how or why I came to this epiphany today but if I can help one person to understand this, I will have done my job today.  We all struggle, we all face hardships.  No one is immune to the difficult times of life.  That is okay.  Put them into perspective.  Do your best to use them as learning experiences.  And, remember, it is okay to not be okay.

a life saver

While at the appointment yesterday morning, I got a text from a friend and neighbor asking if she could bring us supper tomorrow (today).  She asked what I had been craving.  While I really hate saying yes, I thought this would be a good opportunity for Jacob to be recognized.  I responded almost immediately that we would be so appreciative of supper and that while I am not craving anything specifically, it would be great if she could make a "manly" meal because I have been really cranky recently and Jacob could use a little extra support.

Without any question, she was on it.  She asked about Jacob's favorite beer and I told her that he had plenty of beer already here and if he was willing to drink it more often, we might be in a better space. I told her she could splurge on a special dessert instead of alcohol.  She ran with it and I didn't think much more of it.  

I noted it on the calendar and was surprised when Jacob asked me if Brooke was bringing supper.  I was wondering where he was told and of course, he told me he read it on the calendar - what?  He has never looked at the calendar on the fridge!  Anyway, yes, she was bringing supper.  He wanted to know what.  I had no clue and I snapped back with that response.  I don't make requests to people willing to go out of their way and do something kind for us.

Let me tell you, Brooke knocked it out of the park!  When she showed up, Jacob and Gregory answered the door.  Brooke brought in tons of food and went back to the car to get more.  I sat at my desk and continued to work.  Jacob was checking everything out and then took another box of all of the items to go along with the Mexican supper.  Brooke again went back out to the car to something else.  She returned with a big bin with football ribbons on each side and made a huge point to tell Gregory that those treats are for Daddy only.  The football snacks are for the biggest supporter of this entire journey that likely gets overlooked in all the commotion.  

Jacob was flabbergasted but obviously very happy.  He even asked Brooke if this was her idea.  She said it was, which was perfect and frankly, she went above and beyond my initial thought of catering supper to his likes.  I couldn't have asked for more.  I am so thankful that Jacob got doted on a little bit - he truly needed it.  Frankly, our marriage needed it.  We spoke more last night than we had in the past two days.  What would I do without my village?  These days, I am not sure my marriage would survive, but Brooke went out of her way to throw us a life boat and I couldn't be more appreciative.

routines

I think this little gal is a creature of habit.  In the middle of the night (or so I thought), I was awakened and it was like she was was a drummer in a band.  She had the feet knocking those big drums and her arms were constantly beating the others.  I got up to pee, naturally, but got back in bed without looking at my phone.  The worst is when I open my phone to check the time and then spend an hour or two looking at nonsense.  I try to vow each night not to open the phone until the alarm goes off - it really does help.  

Baby was having a grand old time and I tried not to let it bother me and get back to sleep.  Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and looked at the phone - 4:53am.  What!  My alarm was not set.  I should have been up almost an hour ago!  No wonder why little girl was rocking and rolling - she is used to the walk at this time!  I quickly texted my friend and let her know I would be out in ten minutes, which really was no big deal and my duration and mileage was just a little less today - no worries.  I just think it is funny that this gal has adopted my routine as her own and boy do I hope that she is able to adapt to Bethany and Phillip's because they are definitely not morning people like I am.  Only time will tell!

another day, another appointment

This morning, I met Bethany and her mother at the doctor for technically the 32 week appointment, even though I am 33+3.  We had the ultrasound and this sweet little girl is absolutely perfect.  She is measuring about 4 pounds 10 ounces and is coming in in the 38th percentile - so right on track.  We didn't get a really good view of her face, but were able to see her profile...notice her hand is up in front of her face - that is what you see resting on her nose and upper lip. 

Phillip was able to FaceTime for the appointment, which was nice.  What has been difficult is that I was unable to hug Bethany.  Poor thing has a very itchy rash over most of her body and out of precaution, we are not touching one another.  At least she was still able to come and having her mom with us was also very special.

As we waited to see Dr. C, the three of us were talking in the waiting room.  Of course, they asked a loaded question - how was everything?  Well, since they asked and I slept little last night, I basically unloaded on them.  I let them know the difficulties that Jacob and I were having - pretty much a bitch session.  I am very honest in that while I complain, the vast majority of the blame should be placed on me.  I am not coming to the table with the right approaches/reactions to get better responses and I am so tired and cranky on top of it all.  It was nice to be validated, though.  Since both Bethany and her mom are mental health professionals, they get it.  

As Bethany and I were called back, I had to take a minute to step back and ask that she not judge Jacob based upon my bitching - that wouldn't be fair.  He has been a saint through the vast majority of this process and this is just a little speed bump in the road of life.  Everything will be okay.  Bethany assured me that she would never let my thoughts taint her vision of Jacob or our relationship - what we are going through is normal.  I guess that is good?  Either way, it did make me feel a little better to know that anyone in this position would probably go through some marital struggles at this time.

My blood pressure looked great and I had actually lost a couple of pounds, which was nice.  Dr. C didn't mention the weight loss, but I was proud of myself.  It can only be attributed to the fact that I am exercising more and eating healthier because those are external factors that I can control which will help me feel better and I need to do all I can as I battle my own mind.

We talked about my short term disability paperwork that I sent over earlier this morning.  They will be able to fill it out and return it to my workplace within a couple of weeks.  I asked about the tubal ligation during the cesarean.  A friend had mentioned that most MDs no longer do ligations, but instead remove the fallopian tubes, so I wanted to get clarity there.  Dr. C explained that this is what she does do now, she likely just used the wrong terminology.  From what I understand, studies show that even if the tubes are cauterized and "tied" there is still a chance of ovarian cancer, which is now why doctors prefer to remove the tubes all together.  And for all of you folks that want to get grossed out, Dr. C even said that she would show me the tubes once they are removed!

I asked about the anal swab which is typical.  Apparently that swab is done usually in week 37. This is to identify particular bacteria which will be mitigated with antibiotics prior to the cesarean to alleviate passing any bacteria to the baby.  Frankly, I wasn't sure if this was necessary with a cesarean or not, which it is.  Even if we go into labor on our own, I will likely be treated with the antibiotics as a precautionary measure. 

Lastly, I asked about wound care.  For both of my other deliveries, I was able to get this fancy vacuum wound strip, called a pico I believe.  Dr. C mentioned that they do not have those at VCU, which immediately frightened me.  I asked her how would I know how to take of the incision to which she laughed and said it is really easy, just shower and keep it dry after shower.  I guess that is fair enough. Who knew I had it so easy before?

We talked more about the birthing "plan," which really will be a work in progress until go-time.  There is nothing that can be done to adequately figure it all out.  Bethany will be in the operating room.  Possibly Phillip, if they both bring in their negative COVID PCR tests and the anesthesiologist allows it.  If he isn't able to be in the room, how will it work for Bethany to leave the operating room with the baby to go to Phillip.  Does she wait for me?  I think that by the time surgery is over and they stitch/staple me up, it will be probably around about the same amount of time that the baby will need to get cleaned up and have some initial tests run.

I did ask Bethany, if okay with them, I would really like to be there when Phillip meets the baby.  So if he is not allowed in the room, could we leave the operating room together so I could experience his first sight and cuddle.  It is all of these logistics that we can plan to the hilt but we cannot really have expectations to go perfectly.  The only reasonable expectation that I can hope for is that we are all healthy at the end of the day.  If we get to share special moments, it will be icing on the cake.  

trying times

All I wanted was to rest this weekend.  So much for that.  Physically, the weekend hasn't been that taxing, but emotionally, it has been awful.  Jacob and I are both so tired and cranky that all conversations lead to arguments and it is really difficult.  I have no energy so I shut down, which is not like me, so I think that makes the situation even worse.  Honestly, though, the little arguments we have are so unnecessary and don't matter one bit yet we both just add fuel to the fire.  

I was honored to attend a memorial/celebration in honor of Ms. Clare this afternoon and her daughter took me aside and asked what was wrong.  She gets it.  She notices that I am not myself and withdrawing.  Why wouldn't Jacob also understand?  Why is he upset that I don't mention to him that I am struggling?  I probably would be more open if he weren't so judgmental about others struggling with emotions.  To me, it feels like Jacob never understands the "why" of the gloomy days and more importantly, doesn't get that a "why" doesn't always exist.  I think that is the toughest part for me.  Much of what I am feeling, I can try to explain, what I cannot articulate is a deeper dive into why I feel that way.  It is worse than going to therapy in my opinion, especially when he is no professional.

So, I got home, we argued some more.  I couldn't eat my supper and just went to bed feeling utterly defeated and a ball of emotions.  I know that this is a phase that will too pass, but I think I may need help getting there - or we may need help getting beyond it all together.  Marriage is tough.  It is a daily challenge, but I do know that neither of us will throw in the towel without working our asses off to do our due diligence and make it through.

I keep praying that once this baby is born, much of the tension will be relieved and we can resume normalcy.  Jacob has been the biggest supporter since day one and I will never forget that.  We are not perfect and will never be.  My hope is that these trying times will make us stronger in the long run.

burned out

If I am brutally honest, today has been a tough day.  I am utterly exhausted.  For no reason, but for all reasons.  It has taken everything I have to make it through the workday and not collapse into a teary mess.  Jacob has had a rough week at work, too, so it didn't feel right to tell him he was on kid duty all evening.  I am so looking forward to this weekend to rest a little bit! We had actually discussed going out to dinner this evening and boy am I thankful that I forgot to schedule that.  It would have been miserable and neither of us would have been able to enjoy it.  

Someone at work even mentioned that today was the first day that I looked really tired - that's pretty embarrassing.  I have been trying to wear make up and dressier shirts to be more presentable via video - fake it until you make it, right?  The rainy weather probably doesn't help much either.  Here's to a relaxing weekend - we so need it!

comfort of family

This morning, Bethany's parents swung by to drop a couple of meals - all delicious!  I hate accepting meals so often but boy does it help and relieve everything as it relates to figuring out what to cook, making the effort to do the cooking, and cleaning it all up.  This visit was really important to me.  They know about my emotional struggles at this time and were able to provide insight to help me put one foot in front of the other.  Bethany's mom is a retired therapist so she was able to give me guidance on how to navigate choosing the right counselor and in that, ways to evaluate more than one at a time.  Although the visit was brief, it was very comforting to know that I could be so open and honest with the both of them.  It just feels like we are one big family and I can share anything and everything with them.  I am so thankful for these relationships and cannot imagine it being any other way - boy am I blessed!

as if i didn't know

Well, to me the appointment today was a little useless.  The NP was very nice and accommodating, but she told me exactly what I already knew.  The scheduled 40 minute telehealth call lasted less than 20 minutes.  There was no need to up my meds right now (even though we could if I really wanted to) and she suggested I search for therapists and develop a relationship with one.  I guess the good thing is that I have told her (and now Bethany) that I am committed to finding a counselor so I will follow through.   Otherwise, today was somewhat of a waste of time and goodness knows how much it will cost!

The NP pointed out that it may be difficult to find a therapist for two reasons - many are not taking new patients and even if they are, they may not accept my insurance.  Apparently there have been some reimbursement issues in the mental health arena and a lot of clinicians are dropping their coverage with certain managed care organizations - mine one of them.  All of this said, I have reached out and left messages with four different therapists that I found on Psychology Today that are close by.  Hopefully a couple will call me back and let me know they are taking on new clients and that they still accept my health plan.  Then, we can go from there.  

It helps so much to have Bethany in my corner here, as a licensed therapist herself.  The one thing that the NP told me today that helped is that when I look into counselors I can specifically state that I want to address the here and now verses diving deeper into the past and potentially finding the many more insecurities that I am sure exist.  Plus, it will be good to have an established relationship with someone if I struggle after birth, which I have not experienced in the past.  Here goes nothing, but everything!

catching up

Tonight I had a beautiful supper out with a dear friend from several years ago.  We keep in touch via text here and there, but not nearly enough.  We actually tried to get together in May, but then I got COVID and again a few weeks ago and she had something come up.  It felt too good to be true that we were both able to make it!  Together, we talked and talked, for almost two hours, just catching up on life.  It was such a nice time!  As much as I dreaded going - let's face it, I am exhausted.  Plus adding a night out on Tuesday in between soccer practice Monday and dance on Wednesday just seemed like torture.  But, I did it and boy was it worth it.  It was almost like a little time-out on life for me - no kids screaming my name or even bedtime routines to worry about, someone else doing the cooking and company I have missed for so long.  

On the way home, I made a point to call my cousin up in Rhode Island because it had been a couple of weeks since chatting and she had texted last night to check in.  As tough as it was, I told her that I had finally realized and acknowledged my gloomy mood and that I was committed to do something about it.  Much to my surprise, she basically told me that she could hear it in my voice for a few months but that each time we talked, I would skirt around her questions about my well being.  I guess that it doesn't take much for others to sense when I am not right either.  I am unsure why I didn't read into her questions - I suppose I was just that deep in denial about it, finding tons of other (truly valid) excuses to be in the dumps.

Despite the fact that I don't want to do anything or really talk to many people, it is obvious the joy and help it brings.  One little step at a time and I will overcome this funk!

a relaxing weekend

Just what the doctor ordered.  Well, not really, but really what I needed, I think.  This weekend has been so nice.  There haven't been a ton of plans on the calendar, the pool is closed and we were able to relax a little.  We got to see some friends, have fun, and just be without running around like crazy.  We baked cookies for the teachers at school and I made some stew in the crockpot.  Jacob did some cleaning which always helps, too.

Gregory met his coach for the soccer season and we splurged for lunch out for some greasy diner food - so delicious!  I got several walks in (with and without kids) and even started a puzzle.  I haven't sat down to do a puzzle since we moved in this house - boy was that nice.  Even better was the fact that the weather was beautiful.  With the windows open, I sat in the dining room puzzling while the breeze came through the windows along with the sounds of the kids playing outside together - it was pretty perfect!

To top it all off, it was a great football weekend - each of our college teams brought home wins!  Bring on the week - I am feeling good and so happy that we got to just live in the moment a little bit without being on a hourly timeline.

calling the national guard

I am okay.  I repeat - I am okay.  I am just doing my damnedest to be open and honest with everyone right now.  When I say I am down and depressed, it is okay.  This is not unchartered territory for me, but what hasn't been explored previously is being so vulnerable in the process.  Typically, I keep this to myself and roll with the punches, knowing there are better times ahead and I have choices I need to make in the interim to feel the best I can in the moment while trying to heed off the demons sooner rather than later.

It seems as though that my acknowledgement of my issues at this time has sent an SOS to the world.  I am not upset by that - the support has been more than I ever imagined.  What I worry about, though, is people wanting to do too much or possibly even treating me differently because I may be "fragile."  I get it.  I have been on the other side and felt like I needed to talk to or approach people differently when they have been in similar depressive states.  That is not what is needed.  At least not for me.  What I need is for people to move forward as they would have without even knowing I was in a deep struggle.  I am doing my best to do the same while working on it one day at a time. 

Because of what I am going through, please know that I in no way want to harm myself or others.  It is more about having no energy or desire to find some, being withdrawn from all aspects of life wanting no social interaction, and just being very gloomy most of the time.  

My mom, who I fear takes responsibility for some of the chemical imbalance and issues my family experiences in mental health, has been my rock and my confidant since day one.  She is beyond worried about me, though, since I finally came to the realization that I need help - which I have never done in the past.  She got here late last night to go to my appointment with me today.  It was nice to have her there - she and my dad had both attended appointments with Dr. C when I was expecting my own children.  I didn't mind at all and it was good to have her there to listen and take mental notes as well as there to say things I may not have the courage to do so.

Thankfully, Mom didn't have to speak up and be my advocate.  Dr. C and Bethany both understand where I am and that we will work together even though the end is so near.  Dr. C was not willing to make any changes until I have my appointment next week with a Nurse Practitioner within VCU Women's Health.  She used to be a psychiatric NP, so coupling that with her women's health experience, she is the right person to guide me through the next several weeks.  Dr. C did suggest counseling, much to my dismay, but if that is what it takes, I am all in.  Ugh, I hate being so vulnerable.  That is the point, though, right?  Not easy, but important.  Who wants to dig into their insecurities and issues and lay them flat on the table for examination?  Not me!  However, I understand it can't hurt.  

It stinks being here - there's no way to alleviate that.  However, it is obvious that I have grown personally since my last pregnancy and am willing to fight a little harder for my own well being.  I am okay.  It is okay.  Everything is not ideal, but the future is so damned bright that I get teary.  This is just another bump along the road that will help me grow into who I am supposed to be.  I am not upset as I know I can take what is thrown my way.  Hopefully, sooner rather than later, I will be on the other side of the gloomy days and celebrating everything else I am seemingly overlooking at this time.

From the baby's perspective, everything went great with today's appointment.  Dr. C found her heartbeat almost immediately, in the 130s.  Bethany was just on the phone, but I could hear her smile in her voice.  Dr. C did mention that my belly was measuring a little big.  Oh, I know, I feel it!  I have never been told that before, which was strange.  As she felt around, she said that she didn't think that the baby was too big but that having an ultrasound at the next appointment is important (we already have that scheduled).  Dr. C also sent in a topical prescription to try to combat the yeast under my boobs - gross I know, but this is what happens when you're overweight, pregnant, and have a life to live that may involve 90+ degree weather.  All in all, mom and I left very happy with the appointment and ready to tackle the next steps as necessary.

Thank you to all that have stepped up and been a part of my "national guard" at this time.  Everything will be okay.

the ultimate and familiar struggle

With some poking and prodding, I reached out to Dr. C today to explain to her what is going on.  I'd be a fool not to recognize that I can use help.  Even though we are so close, there is no sense in being miserable if I don't have to be.  Here's what I wrote this morning - the real and the raw...

Good Morning, Dr. C,

I am writing because I don’t want to miss anything when I come in to see you Thursday.  You know I struggle with antepartum depression and I thought I was doing really well this time around.  I think I was at first and the last few months I have been suppressing my emotions because so much has been going on but I can’t remain in denial any longer.  There are a multitude of things going on that I have used as excuses such as:

Moving – we moved in the middle of July, which ended up being really stressful.  Finally, and thankfully, we closed on our other house early August.  Even though we were unpacked and settled quickly, I have yet to feel a sense of home. 

• New Job – in early August, I started a new role, still with Anthem.  With any new position, there are growing pains and I get that.  However, learning a new subject matter on top of new people has proved to be pretty challenging.  It will come in time.
• COVID – need I say more?  I think I have been using this as the biggest excuse for everything – I feel like COVID has broken me – I am awkward in social situations and get exhausted really quickly.  I keep saying that COVID has turned me into an introvert but in reality, I think it is just the depression.  Plus, last week we were informed that only one person can be in the delivery room when the time comes.  As much as I know it truly doesn’t matter because at the end of the day Bethany and Phillip will be parents, it is a little devastating for me (and them).

Everything seems to be spiraling right now and when I try to look beyond the symptoms, the underlying issue (I believe) is truly depression.  I had a little breakdown last Friday and it helped me to realize that this is my normal, I just need to address it and overcome as much as possible.  Additionally, I am so thankful that I only have 8 more weeks remaining, which is nothing compared to the disaster I was for much longer with my own two children.  Jacob doesn’t get it – never has, never will – and it again is taking a toll on the marriage, along with all of the other things mentioned above.  We will remain strong, though, and work hard to keep everything in perspective.  I have been talking to my mom a lot about all of this and she thought the best thing was to reach out to you and see if there is a plan of action we can work towards.  Bethany and Phillip are aware and since Bethany is a licensed counselor she knows that my emotional well being is very important and is here to support me in whatever I may need.  I am withdrawn a vast majority of the time and don’t have the energy to respond, argue, or even acknowledge things at times. 

I know in my heart that this journey is my most poignant purpose in life to date.  I am in no way frustrated I am here, just hoping that maybe there is something we can do in the interim that I was way too stubborn to face in the other two pregnancies.  Should I consider going up on my 100mg Zoloft?  I am trying hard to eat healthy and still exercise, but life gets in the way of that, too.  As much as I hate therapy, I am open to anything at this point.  It is not fair to anyone around me that has to inadvertently deal with my own struggle.  Any ideas you may have I am willing to consider, I promise.

You don’t need to write back – we can discuss Thursday.  I just wanted to get this on paper as I often forget important questions/concerns when I am in the moment at the appointment.  Thank you for being with me throughout all of this!

Julia Meade

 

the going is getting tough

A popular American English proverb, “when the going gets tough, the tough get going” means “when the situation becomes difficult, strong people are able to step up and handle it."

I'd be remiss if I didn't recognize that I am not well emotionally right now.  As I drove to my parents' house yesterday for my nephew's birthday celebration, I lost it a little.  There is so much going on and I need to face the fact that pregnancy is very difficult for me - it takes the biggest toll on my emotional well being.  This is not at all anything new, but something I thought I wouldn't experience this time around.  I have been feeling well for the most part, I think.  But have I really?  Or, have I been suppressing the tough parts, always wanting to throw excuses out - a new job, a move, a pandemic, all of the above?  More likely than not, I think I have been in a little denial.

Now is the time to face the music.  I need to be the tough that gets going, stepping up to handle what is going on inside and make the right moves to address that.  I hate being in this situation.  I hate it so much, but I can't ignore it anymore.  

I don't want to be around friends or family.  If I am in their company, I don't want to talk.  I feel like such an awful person - withdrawn from everything and everyone.  It is not fair to them.  It is not fair to Jacob.  It is not fair to my children.  Even the smallest engagements are absolutely exhausting and I dread them.  I talked to my mom about it a little bit yesterday and promised her that I would talk to Dr. C about everything during my appointment this coming week.  That should be so much fun.  I must keep in mind that when I do deliver, I typically feel immediately better.  We all know this situation is so very different from the deliveries of my own children so who knows what to expect, but I will remain hopeful that in 8 weeks I will get a boost in my mental capacity.

an annual reflection

My psyche gets weird often, for reasons I don't always understand.  If I dig a little deeper, I can sometimes pinpoint what is going on unconsciously.  Today, I woke up feeling pretty grim.  As I sat at my parents house with the kids quiet in the other room, I was doing a puzzle and thought long and hard about why I was so down.  Today, it makes sense that I am experiencing some dismay.  Last year, on this day, I was taking the final steps to miscarry that sweet embryo we transferred in July 2020.

It was a tough day, but frankly this day was easier than the couple of weeks leading up to it - knowing that the pregnancy was no longer viable.  Both physically and emotionally this was extremely difficult and even more so awful on Bethany and Phillip emotionally.  While the procedure that took place a year ago hurt like hell for maybe 10 seconds, the care I received was amazing.  I think back to that day and the comfort the doctor and her resident provided must be run of the mill for them, but for me it made a world of difference.  Their jobs are so delicate and tough due to the situations, but it is nice to know that their bedside manner was exactly as it should have been in that difficult time.  

When I look back on it all, this miscarriage was actually easier for me to handle emotionally than the failed transfer in November.  I have no idea why, but the negative beta right before Thanksgiving threw me for a loop.  And, here we are today - 31 weeks pregnant with a sweet heartbeat and baby to come in a mere eight weeks.  There is so much to be thankful and so much excitement ahead, yet the blues of everything may always remain.

COVID still stinks

With the Delta Variant swirling around and the implications of that, it seems as though VCU is re-implementing their COVID restrictions.  It is really tough information to hear on our end.  This means that unless something changes in the next 8 weeks, only one person is permitted in the operating room with me.  Even though we spoke about this in a joint counseling session we had a year and a half ago, we had all hoped that it wouldn't come down to this.  We can hope and pray that the restrictions are lifted before delivery, but at this time, we must come to terms with the reality.  

As discussed with the counselor many moons ago, if there was ever an issue of how many people can be present for delivery, Bethany would be the first person allowed.  Even though so many have said they think I need Jacob as my support person, I think baby needs mama.  I will be fine and frankly, Bethany will be amazing support until her sweet bundle of joy gets here so I have no qualms with having her instead of Jacob.  It breaks my heart though that we may not all be able to be together during this special time.  

Beyond having Jacob there for me, I really wanted him present to take pictures.  I have day dreamed about this day a multitude of times and I continue to think about the photos we will have to memorialize one of the best days of our lives.  Not having these reminders will be tough, but I must still be positive through it all.  When the delivery is over, Bethany and Phillip will be parents and I will have fulfilled purpose placed in my heart by God.  I can't ask for much more than that.  I think we are all a little devastated by the news.  There is still so much light that remains to be thankful for regardless.

70 miles!

I can't remember the last time I logged 70 walked miles in one month - it was definitely early last spring, I believe.  For some reason, I noticed that I was at about 60 miles with a few days left in the month so I set my own goal to make it to 70.  I did it!  As much as I hate getting up in the morning these days to beat the street, it is so important.  I feel better afterwards and sleep tends to be a little bit better that night.  Plus, when the alarm goes off and I ignore it, I never get back to sleep so what is the point in laying there for an extra hour when it isn't restful.  A huge thanks goes out to my morning walking buddy - Kristi.  You won't find many others that are willing to put on a light up vest at meet you before 5am to get some exercising done.  Plus, she never cares if I have to slow down or even stop because of who knows what!

I am struggling at work, which isn't helping.  I really like the people I work with but everyone is so inundated, I am not being provided the materials and information I need to hit the ground running.  I remember the days of training others and know how daunting it is, but if my team was able to give me a few more minutes each day for guidance, I can take so much off of their plates sooner.  I chalk it up to "growing pains," which is exactly what it is.  It's not easy, but I will get there.

This my friends, is life.  It gets tough, but I have to keep in mind how good it really is.  The best part is that I have a little life inside of me that we will all get to meet soon enough.  When all is said and done here, I'll still have the difficult times.  If I didn't I'd be stagnant and that will never be worth it.