focusing on scripture

I think I have said a few times that when I need God the most, I tend to forget that He is there and I can talk to him at any time.  Several weeks ago, a friend from work reached out to me to see if I'd like to go through a bible study with her to learn more about how God can work for me.  While I was a little apprehensive, I know it can only help to make me a better person.

Tonight was our first time together.  My friend studies via the Jehovah Witness faith and I already know that I have different beliefs, but I am willing to learn anything, even if I may not agree with everything.  The best part is that I explained that to my friend and she was not offended in the least.  

My friend had sent me a guide to look at and one of the first things I noticed were the scriptures that help one in their journey of grief.  I gravitated to those in the bible that was gifted to me back in college.  It was nice to "get my feet wet" again, beyond just prayer.  I didn't want to commit to an entire hour, but it went by as if it was only ten minutes.  I have so much to learn and look forward to strengthening my relationship with God as my friend helps to facilitate my walk with the bible.

an overdue lunch

Maria, Phillip's mom, and I have been trying to schedule a lunch together since my birthday.  Of course, things have gotten finicky since then and she was also traveling earlier this year.  Thus, we finally made it happen.  Today, I met her for a delicious and delightful lunch at the Jefferson.  Going there is a treat in itself.  

My nerves were on high even before I left.  The last time that Maria and I were out and about together was for my birthday.  Then, when she dropped me off is when my life forever changed.  I know it is silly to think that something so devastating could happen again, but that is where my mind went.  I opted not to have her pick me up so that I could ride in silence for a little bit both ways.  Sometimes that time alone helps me substantially.  

Maria really is one of the sweetest people you will ever meet.  She is a damned good psychotherapist - so good, that this also makes me nervous.  I often feel that I am being analyzed, but have gotten pretty used to it.  Every bit of Maria's analysis comes from the heart and I know she wants to help me so badly, but it throws me into disaster mode.  

I got home and was really cranky.  It took me a little bit to realize it, but I think it stems from diving deeper with Maria into my emotions and what my new purpose should be in life.  I guess I don't really feel like going there right now.  Needless to say, Jacob and the kids got the brunt of that.  Thankfully, I had invited my little (or not so little) cousins over to have supper and play cards.  That was a good distraction for me and we had the best time together.  Even Jacob played cards, which was really nice.  Meade (boy Meade) and Charlie have always been like my siblings and it was so nice that they were willing to hang out with their old, uncool cousin.  Maybe they came out of pity?  Who knows, I will take it regardless!

As they left this evening, my heart was so full.  I have got to try to make a point to socialize more often because it does help to mend the heart a little bit each time.

a full week of school?

If only we could be so lucky!  School has been nuts as of late and this week was no different.  Thank goodness Nana came to help with the children on their learn from home day!  Yesterday and today were early close days - I think due to the end of the semester.  Jacob came home early to grab the kids and be with them yesterday afternoon.  Today, I tried to swing it all on my own.  No such luck!  

Finally, when the work day was over, I was over them bothering me every other second and I packed the pool bag and made them put on their swim suits.  What a blessing we have, that we often forget about - the indoor pool at Burkwood.  The kids were nervous at first, but picked up their swimming skills in no time and had a blast.  It also gave me a little bit of a breather to the constant nagging and requests for snacks.  

Work is going really well, but I am still adjusting and am tired most of the time.  Busyness helps a ton, but I know it is only just a mere distraction.

to be a kid again

This morning was tough.  I was wrestling Gregory to get dressed.  Meade was screaming about more cheerios.  The house was a wreck.  I was in the middle of putting the clean dishes away while trying to attend to every other need of these children, who are totally capable of most things themselves, and two texts came through both just checking on me.  Dear friends that want to know how I am doing.  I went to my office to respond and totally lost it.

I try to be honest with friends because if I am not honest with them, I am likely not honest with myself.  As I wrote back that I was so sad all of the time, but day by day, I am getting stronger.  Each moment offers a new opportunity to heal a little bit more.  I couldn't get myself together before going back into the kitchen to finally get Meade her cheerios and the kids saw me crying.  Meade said "why are you doing that?"  After I blew my nose and wiped my tears, I told them I was sad.  Gregory stopped in his tracks and got teary.  Meade asked why I was sad.  When I said that it is sad that Uncle Ricky died, Meade said "that was so long ago."  

Yes, my sweet little girl, it was a few months ago.  I wish my heart would be healed by now, but it isn't.  It won't be truly healed ever again, but I am making strides to work on that.  Don't get me wrong, I am feeling better most days, most moments.  However, as anyone that has grieved before, knows that emotions are difficult to control.  I think I am in the middle of reading four different books right now to help on my journey of grief, but it doesn't happen overnight.  Boy do I wish it would!  

the real COVID VIP

Life is tough.  COVID makes it more difficult.  As I try to find little glimpses of gratitude in my life, I must say that the real savoir right now are screens.  As embarrassing as it is, I use them, way too often.  When I need a break, the kids get their kindles (or as they call them, their iPads).  No winning mom moment here as I confess this, but I am more than thankful for that damn iPad these days.  As much as I despise screens, the stupid things are my saving grace.  

As parents, Jacob and I will never be perfect, but we are trying to get stronger each day as a family.  Some days that doesn't involve screens.  Other days, my kids are immersed for hours on end.  I am sure we aren't the only family feeling this.  Maybe, by me being brutally honest, it can help someone else to realize that we are all doing the best we can and if that means screens, so fucking be it.

showing gratitude

It is easy, but often something we over look.  I complain and bitch all the time, so it only makes sense that I offer gratitude when it is deserved.  I think I mentioned that mom had forgotten her medicine when we went to Wintergreen, so I made a point to send recognition to CVS leadership about the wonderful lady the helped mom and dad last Friday.  

I had no idea how to get in front of the right person, so why not go right to the top?  I found the CVS CEO email online and figured it was worth a try:

While this is an unsolicited email, I think it is very important that my message gets to you and recognition gets back to Elizabeth appropriately.  While long, I wanted to give you a few details that make this interaction so impactful in my family’s life.  Maybe this can be a teachable moment for all CVS employees?

Friday, January 21st, I awoke at a beautiful home gifted to my family for the weekend to celebrate my brother’s 40th birthday.  Unfortunately, my brother passed unexpectedly in October and we felt that we needed to get away to celebrate him.  High on Afton Mountain in Wintergreen, VA, I had such a sense of gratitude to be there with my family, taking it all in.  When my mom came downstairs, she didn’t look well.  She informed us that she hadn’t slept all night, that she had forgotten her medicine.  Taking a step back, my mom has been on tons of medication over the last 20 years, the majority for mental health purposes, spurred after the death of our only other sibling in 2002.

I just knew that my father was going to spend nine hours on the road that day (if the weather was okay) to return home to Heathsville, VA to grab her meds.  We started brainstorming early and found a local CVS, at the bottom of the mountain, that didn’t open until 8.  At 8, my dad got on the phone, only to realize that the pharmacy portion of the store didn’t open until 9.  We set up an online CVS account for my mom so we had all of our ducks in a row once we called the retail store to explain the predicament.  

Having worked in managed care for years, I worried that CVS wasn’t going to be able to do anything.  Some of these meds are highly scrutinized and I just didn’t see her being able to get what she needed to even try to enjoy our weekend away.  My mom asked us to be her advocates, but I knew that I would get to angry when we were told there was nothing that could be done so I left it to my dad.

Around 930am, my parents came out of their room to tell us that they spoke with an individual named Elizabeth at the CVS in Waynesboro, VA (1235 W Broad Street).  They stressed that Elizabeth could not be any more helpful and kind.  She immediately let them know that there is a “vacation” policy that CVS has to help individuals in this same situation as people travel and luggage could be lost or, like in our case, meds were forgotten.  Elizabeth said she was unsure about one of the meds (highly regulated) but that she would work to get that as well as everything else filled for five days to get her through.  She said that she would call back by noon with any additional information or questions, but would do her best to have all other meds filled by that time. 

My parents went down the mountain proactively so that she could get her morning meds as soon as possible.  They were there by noon and everything was filled (with the exception of that one med that Elizabeth stated may be an issue).  Thankfully, that one regulated med was for PRN purposes only and there was no anxiety present to not have it.  Upon my parents’ return to where we were staying, they offered the most amazing accolades for your employee, Elizabeth.  She was just as lovely in person as she was on the phone.  She did exactly as she had stated she would, setting great expectations and following through.  

This type of interaction is what makes a difference in our world.  Customer service seems to go by the wayside too often these days.  Elizabeth stepped up to provide solutions that helped all of us enjoy the weekend as best as possible.  We could not be more grateful.  Please recognize Elizabeth for her efforts that went above and beyond for my family.

Thank you for having associates like Elizabeth that truly make an impact.

I truly thought that this email would fall into the abyss of spam, but it was worth a try.  This evening, I was flabbergasted to get a response, in only four hours!  From the Vice President of Enterprise Customer Resolution, here is the email I received:

Dear Ms. Meade-Tulli, 

 

On behalf of Karen and all of us at CVS Health, we can’t thank you enough for sharing this experience with us! We’re thrilled Elizabeth was able to provide this exceptional experience for your parents in their time of need. We will absolutely ensure she is recognized for the service she provided your family! 

We also wanted to offer our sincere condolences for the unexpected loss of your brother in October. It’s so wonderful your family had this precious time away together to celebrate his life. 

 

Thank you again for taking time out of your busy day to share this experience with us. It is indeed a teachable moment! 

 

Warm regards, 

Mary

This is what it is all about, my friends.  My email was read and appreciated.  I hope that Elizabeth gets the kudos she truly deserves.  Plus, Mary, went above and beyond to offer condolences - she didn't have to do that.  This simple gesture was a win/win for everyone and I am glad that I took the time to appreciate others.  That is what life is about - value those around us.  I hope to do more because it made me feel just as good as I am sure it made the leadership at CVS feel.

stupid security questions

I never know when I am going to get caught off guard.  Gregory came home with a sheet today stating that the cafeteria is going to start allowing them to get ice cream one Friday a month, or something like that.  In order for him to receive it, I have to put $3.75 on his online cafeteria account to get him ice cream for the rest of the year.  Sure, the kid can have ice cream five times through June.  No big deal.  

I had never put money on the cafeteria account because we have been more than lucky for the children to receive free lunches since the start of COVID.  Thus, I went online to create the account and add the money - he deserves a treat here and there.  Little did I know that I would be a mess in a matter of minutes.  In creating the stupid account, I had to answer several "security questions."  Yeah, we all do it all of the time.  

I answered one question, no problem.  The next came up: In what city does your nearest sibling live?  Well, fuck, I don't have anymore siblings living close.  I was angry that I had to answer this.  On the other hand, everyone else probably adds an answer and it is not an issue.  The tears streamed down my face and it killed me to write my answer: heaven.  

I try hard not to pity myself but I fell quickly into a pity party.  Why me?  Why are both my brother and sister dead?  It's not fair that my parents only have one surviving child left out of three.  There has to be something that can come out of this despair that will help others along the road.  What is my purpose now in life?  I can't let these emotions and heartache control everything I do.  I can try to figure out how to take this grief and turn it into healing and potentially helping others.  How?  I don't know, but I am willing to dig deep and find ways to make it work.

snap back to reality

I have to share this story of laying in bed last night.  Meade was with me.  Every two minutes, it seemed, she was saying "Mama" for something else.  Can I have some water?  Do you have any snacks?  Does she have school tomorrow?  When are we going to the mountain house again?  

After the last "Mama" I screamed "what do you want?"  She didn't say anything so I looked over at her.  She was startled by my response and said "Will you hold my hand?"

Ugh, of course I will.  Here I was getting so frustrated and she only wanted to be closer to me.  I've got to get better patience with the children.  In fact, they are teaching me more now than I could ever imagine.  

renewed focus

Today has been about trying to get back to normal.  

Yesterday, we got home in the morning - the drive back went fine.  We were all exhausted so took it easy.  I refused to go to the grocery store and do much at all.  Football was on the TV and it was nice and relaxing!  

I started work this morning and while still a little foggy, I made a vow to myself to start to focus on me a little more.  I can't be good for anyone else if I am not good for myself.  I gained several pounds this weekend - tipping the scales at 245 last night.  I have to get my eating under control, a new exercise routine down, boundaries with the children, and my head back into work.  I can do it!  This weekend feels like it was a new start in healing.  As I told Adrienne, the entire weekend felt like it put a stitch into my healing heart, which I am so thankful for.

I am still pretty insecure.  I had texted Adrienne Saturday night and again last night and hadn't heard anything.  We kept in touch well over the weekend.  I was so worried she was upset with us.  What had we broken?  What did we not clean?  Are they second guessing themselves to allow us to use their home? 

I took a moment to call her and I am so thankful I did.  Bill actually went up last night and said that the house had never been more clean.  Was so impressed that everything was perfect.  Even went on to say that we could come and stay anytime.  Of course, I am not taking advantage of it, but it was so nice to hear that they were pleased.  What Adrienne reiterated several times was that they were so happy that we found a little peace and comfort in our time together at their home.  What a blessing.

As I get ready for bed, I am exhausted.  I haven't done much physically at all, but mentally, I am tired.  I can't wait to get back into the swing of things at work.  This will help me feel more secure, too.  All is well.

happy birthday, rick!

I think we all woke up a little sad.  That is okay.  That is normal.  We all knew in the back of our minds that such a big piece was missing and it was his day today.  We would celebrate him regardless.

I tried to take it all in this morning.  It was funny to just observe.  I could hear the kids counting, playing hide and seek.  I tried to listen intently so I knew if furniture was being moved or if I needed to intervene.  Dad was intently watching Facebook videos on his phone.  He'd find one he liked and tell me to look.  Stupid stuff.  Why would I care to look at that?  Jacob was in his 18th minute of trying to find something to watch on TV.  They had a million apps to choose from and he spent more time perusing than actually watching.  Poor mom, she started the bacon for breakfast and literally spent about 3.5 minutes staring at the oven timer and counting something on her fingers.  It made me snicker inside.  I should have gone and helped her out, but I just watched and giggled to myself.  I wondered if she would ever figure out what she was doing.  Eventually she did.  Sarah and Paul were getting ready for the day, I guess.  I was sitting at the table, taking it all in, waiting for other adults ready to throw some dice.

I remembered mid-day that my friend was supposed to come and clean our house today.  I hadn't confirmed, hadn't left money, hadn't told her where some new cleaning supplies were.  I texted her to let her know that she didn't have to go because I didn't communicate, but that didn't matter.  She responded that she was there and halfway done - ugh, she's amazing.

I had no intention of baking a cake today.  I told Mom and Dad that if they wanted to do a cake, to buy one when they went to Waynesboro yesterday.  They came home with cake mix.  Really?  Yes, I am the family baker but I didn't feel like baking here.  Sarah took it on with delight, asking the kids to help with each step.  It was really nice to watch them do all of the baking, icing, decorating, etc.  It is amazing how Adrienne and Bill have furnished this home with absolutely everything we could have imagined.  They had it all!  I helped Renn make a sign that said Happy Birthday, Dad.  He enjoyed doing that.  

We took a pause from everything and sang Happy Birthday.  The kids loved the cake and ice cream and while we were all a little sad that Ricky wasn't with us, it felt like he would burst into the door anytime and join the party.  

Dad, Sarah and I took the kids out again to sled in the yard.  I have truly never seen snow so packed that you could walk on it without your feet sinking to the ground.  This was the real deal.  The kids loved going down the bank on their bottom and then sledding on an almost flat area in the side yard.  It doesn't get much better than that.  We broke one of the sleds at the house, so I felt awful.  I told Adrienne about it, along with news about a coaster that was now broken, missing one corner.  She responded that she broke the coaster and that the sled was already half broken that they weren't at all concerned about any of that.  Thank goodness!  That definitely put my mind at ease.

Considering we are leaving tomorrow, Sarah and I have been doing laundry, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, etc. so that the morning isn't too stressful.  We aren't even going to have breakfast here - just get up, finish cleaning and hit the road.  In between cleaning and watching the football games, we got some cards and dice in, too.  This is what I enjoy so very much!  I don't even care about losing, it is just so much fun!  Gregory and I played solitaire this morning and all of us played Yahtzee this afternoon.  Always fun letting kids get in on the gaming, too.

I'll head to bed in a little bit, beyond thankful for this time together.  It is bittersweet, for sure, but we couldn't have asked for a better weekend away.  Hopefully we will make it down the mountain tomorrow just fine.

what a day!

We have had a wonderful day!  It started a little shaky, but everything has fallen into place.

Apparently Mom didn't sleep at all last night - she forgot her medicines.  I figured dad would have to drive back to Heathsville to grab them, but we put a plan in place, waited for CVS to open, and everything worked out better than I ever could have imagined.

Sarah and I took the kids for a walk - it was freezing, but it was worth it.  In the cul-de-sac across the street, we could see the actual resort part of Wintergreen.  Wow - I had no idea how vast this place was.  Sally, our neighbor at home also has a house here and invited us to come over and play this morning.  I didn't think we would be able to make it with our tubing time, but we did.  Their house is perfect, too!  Much more relaxed and child friendly.  They have had their home almost 20 years, raising their kids there and now their grandchildren.  Our kids had a blast playing there.

Jacob had lunch ready for the kids and then we set off to go tubing.  I had no idea where to park so we found a place and went to the ticket booth.  The guy there stated that tubing was down the hill.  No worries, until we realized it was about a 15 minute walk down the hill -  had to be almost a mile.  All I could think is that this would be fun walking back up after 1.25 hours of tubing with three tired children.  Oh well.

The kids were so excited.  Jacob went down with the boys and I went down with Meade - our tubes tied together.  It was frightening!  I was screaming the whole time - with Meade connected behind me.  My bottom kept hitting and it hurt like hell!  We were going so fast, I was sure that we were going to jump lanes and end up a bloody mess with another tuber.  When we stopped, I couldn't stop laughing with a permanent smile on my face.  I fell several times trying to get Meade and both tubes over the other lanes to make our way back up to the conveyer belt.  Even though it was scary, it was fun.  I really didn't want to go again, though.  

Meade and I fell a few times trying to maneuver the two tubes on the conveyer belt - no big deal though.  When I made it back up, I asked the people working if she was allowed to go by herself and they said absolutely!  I was done!  Jacob had the same butt issues as me and he wasn't interested in going anymore either.  We put the children down their second ride alone and they did great!  There were helpers at the bottom that would go grab Meade to get her over the lanes, but otherwise, they were pretty self sufficient.

When I realized that they were doing well on their own, I told Jacob I was going to walk up to get the car.  I needed some alone time, could use the exercise, and didn't want to navigate the trek up with the tired children.  I made it up the never-ending flight of stairs.  It reminded me of the steps going from Godwin to DHall at JMU - pure misery.  When I got up that, I went to the ticket desk and asked about the shuttle.  She called them and said they would arrive in 10-15 minutes.  Yep, I'll stand there and wait.  

When I got to the car and drove down to where the tubing was, I watched the children from the overlook deck.  Once their time was up, we were ready to get in the car and head home.  It worked out perfectly.  We were all pretty tired, but were excited to tell the rest of the family about the adventures!

Sally and Dave stopped by to visit with us.  They probably stayed for an hour and it was really nice.  Sarah tried to keep the children occupied so we could sit and chat and it worked.  Dave was an engineer with Dominion so he and dad hit it off.  Sally grew up a few miles from Mom and they both went to VT, so there was a lot in common.  It was a really nice visit.

The rest of the evening was much like any other when we are together as a family.  Bath and supper routine was normal.  Jacob watched TV.  Mom went to bed early because she didn't get any sleep last night.  Sarah, Dad and I played dice.  Then, Paul came over and we played rummy.  I had forgotten how much fun that was!  

As I get ready for bed myself, I feel like I need to pinch myself.  I can't imagine a better time for our family right now.  

why are we so lucky?

We made it to Wintergreen this morning.  The roads weren't too bad, but the fog on the mountain made it seem like we were driving in late at night.  As we walked in and started to unpack, I got super nervous.  This house, better yet home, is gorgeous.  Too nice, especially with children running around!  Everything was decorated to a tee.  Just perfectly beautiful.  How was I going to keep the kids from breaking everything?

So far, so good.  We've made it the first several hours without any mishaps.  I have taken pictures of things and moved them so the children aren't tempted to mess with them and/or so that accidents are less likely.  As soon as my parents arrived with Renn, I sat all three children down and let them know that this was a very special place and we couldn't be running, jumping, yelling, etc.  There are tons of things to do and we will make the most of it but they have to respect this home, more than they have anywhere else before.  As I go to bed, I realize I yelled a ton, but nothing was broken.  I threatened to spank on many occasions, when I saw kids jumping from chair to chair, messing with the fireplaces, playing hide and seek behind beds, etc.  All normal kid stuff, but things that are not okay in someone else's home.

We had a nice supper of salads with grilled chicken.  No one even made a stink about how "blackened" the chicken was.  It was pretty dry!  I grilled last night when we got home from dance and there were so many things I was working on that it may have been on the grill a little too long.  Oops.  Oh well.  There were no complaints - everyone was very kind.  We have thrown a lot of dice - just our normal selves but in a new environment.  One that is gorgeous.  All of the windows look out over a valley of farm land and a few homes.  It is breathtaking.  There is even a telescope where we can explore a little more closely.

I am so appreciative of this time together and look forward to tomorrow as we take the children tubing and just have fun.  I sure does pay to have such kind friends that offered their home to us!

last minute changes

We are supposed to leave tomorrow evening to go to Wintergreen to a house that Adrienne and Bill have gifted us for the weekend.  Their second home that they insist we use to celebrate Ricky.  A gesture of its own that cannot be matched.  There's a snowstorm coming, though.  Will we be able to get up the mountain after work tomorrow?  Who knows?

At the last minute, I told Jacob to see if he could get off work tomorrow so we can leave early instead.  I also asked my leadership if they minded that we were on the road a little in the morning and I would be online the remainder of the day once we got up there.  No worries for either of us, thankfully.  However, this puts a wrench into my planning as I have a lot more to prep and get done before we leave, while trying to work and do the daily grind.  

I am up late trying to get it all done, but feel that we will be ready to go in the morning.  Thank goodness my parents were here with Meade today and were able to help me.  They went to the grocery store for me and kept Meade occupied so I could work.  Once the workday was over, we had our normal Wednesday evening routine, but I was able to pack and get everything together in between it all.  We are so looking forward to some time away!

back to the grind

Today was my first day back at work.  I have a couple thousand emails to go through so I focused on that for the most part.  I joined a few team meetings and tried to immerse myself back into the world of Responsible Artificial Intelligence.  My brain is foggy, but I am doing my best.  Everyone was so nice and respects the fact that I will need some time to dig out.  Me, though, I need to start making contributions again, as soon as possible, for my own wellbeing.  

This week is interesting - yesterday was the MLK holiday so the kids were home and Jacob and I were off.  He had to go into work for a few minutes and assess the snow/ice situation, but we were home with one another most of the day, trying to take it easy, knowing that routines would be established again tomorrow - thank God!

It is going to be an even shorter week because I am off Friday to go to the mountains to celebrate Ricky's 40th birthday with the family. 

Many times throughout the day I felt lost.  Didn't know what others were talking about or how I used to be well versed in everything work.  Will I ever get back to my old self and be able to make an impact again?  I sure hope so!

cousin love

I asked my cousin Christopher's wife if she wanted to listen to my recording with JMarie (the medium).  Of course she did and she provided me this feedback, which I think is important.  She pointed out two things.

She thought that when JMarie asked if there was a delay in finding Ricky's body, to which I responded that my parents had found him several hours after passed.  It's possible that Ricky was acknowledging that I am upset for feeling that the rest of our hometown knew of his death before I did.  More than likely, Ricky is hinting to me how stupid it is that I think that because it doesn't matter, but that he's glad he didn't ruin my entire birthday.  Who knows.  The more I think about it, I can hear Ricky calling me a dumbass.

Second, she loved that the medium said Kate before even asking about other siblings on the spirit side.  Of course, Katie.  Another way to know there's got to be something to this lady.  I've believed in her for years and I think I am valid.

more snow?

Here we go again!  At least we have already planned to have the children out for the holiday tomorrow.  Snow is not my favorite.  As it falls hard, I hope the kids will go back to school Tuesday as I start work.  Unfortunately, due to the snow, I had to cancel Bethany's visit.  I wanted nothing more than to see her and Henry this morning, but it doesn't make sense for anyone to be on the road.  Maybe another day in the near future we can plan a visit.

In the meantime, the kids are bugging the heck out of me to go out in the snow.  They don't understand that it is supposed to turn to ice and rain very soon - it won't be that great to play in.  I am content going from the couch to the dining room table, listening to the radio/football and just being lazy!

double breakfast

I try not to eat breakfast.  I seem to be able to lose weight more I learned a couple of weeks ago, which was then pointed out as intermittent fasting.  Well, that was thwarted today, for all the best reasons!  

My neighbor, Sally, who has become a Godsend to our family asked to take me to lunch.  Instead, we made it breakfast because she had to speak at a funeral this afternoon.  So, we headed to Marty's.  It was such a nice time together.  We spoke about everything - especially about profound loss as they lost a son almost 30 years ago.  It is hard to explain how I feel about Sally because she really has gone above and beyond for us - we've only known her for a few months since moving.  In addition to just being wonderful, she and her family also have a home in Wintergreen, very close to where we are staying next weekend.  I can't wait to spend more time with them up there!

Late last night, Kristi texted to see if I could do a meal out.  I checked with Jacob and since I already had breakfast set, I told her I could do lunch.  I went ahead texted her when I got back from Sally and off we went.  So, a second breakfast at the Bell Cafe was had.  Both delicious and Jacob got tons of leftovers from both places!

I got home at about 1230 and immediately put pajama pants on for the rest of the day.  Lovely.  A nap and some puzzling - it doesn't get much better.  Plus, Kristi came over to puzzle with me after supper.  I am beyond thankful for today and the rest that I got, in addition to the special time with special people.

heartbroken open

Yesterday, one of Nana's best friends, who has become a light in my life was texting to check in.  She sent over a pod cast to listen to.  It is a pod cast that is from someone at her church, but this was a bonus episode with a guest speaker - Kristine Carlson.  I knew the name sounded familiar, but I didn't figure it out until I set out for a walk today to just listen and take it all in.  The episode is entitled "Finding Joy in the Journey through Widowhood and Loss."  While my situation is very different, the talk spoke to me clearly.  It was so enlightening.  

As I listened, I realized that Kristine's loss was her husband, Richard Carlson, who has written the books "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff."  In 2021, I had a desk calendar with tips each day specifically from that book.  In fact, the calendar still sits on my desk with the Friday still showing before my world got rocked.  I haven't found it in me yet, to start going through the days thereafter.

The twenty some minutes was what I needed to hear.  Kristine explains things to make them relatable.  What helped me was hearing her say that when death occurs, every bit of walls we had around our heart are shattered. This makes us extremely vulnerable, or insecure.  In other words, she mentions that we are now "heartbroken open."  Even though my world is in deep despair, the loss has actually broken my heart, allowing it to be open to more joy and peace.  I never thought of it like this.  While it is still difficult, I do find this to be true.  Plus, she has a whole book on the subject, which I've already ordered from Amazon.  I feel like I am in the middle of reading three different self help books right now, but I think I may need to focus on this book since the message of the podcast spoke to me so clearly.

In other news, I went to the dentist this morning.  I have had three cavities in my life - my whole life!  Today, they saw two that need to be filled in addition to two more that are on that horizon.  Lovely!  This is what happens when all normalcy and structure is lost.  My second cavity came when I was on maternity leave with Gregory.  More to look forward to - fillings!

busy busy

Thank goodness for Nana - she took Meade for several hours today so that I could get things done around the house, without my shadow.  Today is my mom's birthday, which is a little bittersweet.  She didn't want to celebrate at all, which makes me sad.  Although, I get it.  I totally understand.  I am not sure I will ever want to acknowledge my birthday ever again.  

My friend Adrienne stopped by for lunch and to grab a bunch of old toys/books that we were ready to donate.  Now, they will go to her grandson (and hopefully many more grandchildren).  So many of those items were nostalgic and never made the donation bin previously, but since I know where they are going, I was happy to pass them along.  I picked up salads from Giovanni's and they were delicious.  We exchanged small Christmas gifts.  Just being in her presence is always a gift to me.  She gives the best hugs and always enjoy my time with her.

Adrienne had to leave so that I could have my therapy session.  The first of the new year.  When people ask me about counseling, I say it is fine.  I am thinking that maybe I haven't yet found the right person.  I think she is likely helping, but what do I know.  I think I may get more out of walking the neighborhood with the retired ladies in the morning.  I did that the other day and boy was it fun, despite the freezing weather.  Even though we scheduled a next session, I may hold off and see how I am doing in a month or two to see if I should find someone new or explore other ways to work on my emotional well being.  I do feel a teeny bit stronger each day.

Nana brought Meade back in time to get Gregory off the bus and then prepare for our Wednesday night activities.  With the uptick in COVID cases, I opted to spend the 45 minutes in the car trying to go through some work emails so I am not so inundated when I head back next week.  It's always crazy 'round here!

watchin' henry

You know what brings me joy?  Watching videos of little Makenna as she grows.  More than watching Henry, it is so heartwarming to see the three of them together.  I helped to create that family.  Their love for each other is so vast and beyond obvious to anyone that encounters them.  There was a video of Phillip singing you are my sunshine to her and she was enamored with him, as she should be.  Another video was bathtime.  She was so happy and content.  It was funny to hear Phillip say to wash in between all the rolls - I imagine they have never had to do that before. ;)

Other videos of her growing, smiling, and being the absolute joy of their lives is what makes me happy.  I am working hard to let the fog release and allow sunshine back into my heart.  This little gal, my sweet Henry, is helping to make that happen - thanks to her wonderful parents.  

Oh Henry, I love you so.

school!

I don't think I have ever been so excited to send the children back to school.  Winter break is enough in itself.  An extra week is misery.  Plus snow, I am done.  I went for a 3 mile walk and then decided to start tackling items on the to do list.  Errands, organizing, everything that I haven't done for the last few weeks with children screaming for me at all waking hours.  I had finally gotten enough done to feel accomplished and thought I would take a bath.  Not five minutes in, the school called.

Well, fuck.  I didn't answer.  Maybe they will call Jacob instead?  I am in the bathtub for goodness sake.  It took every ounce in me to start washing up to get dressed and likely head to the school.  Of course.  Meade was complaining when she was peeing and was peeing quite often.  The nurse thought that maybe she has a UTI.  Little did she know that Meade has some extreme chaffing down there since she had so many accidents this weekend.  I have no idea what it is, but sporadically, she will pee in her pants several times a day for days on end.  It makes no sense.  When she has to go, it is always urgent.

I got to school 16 minutes after that call came in while I was in the bathtub.  Ugh.  I got an appointment and told Jacob he had to take her.  Once, my frustrating subsided, I realized that I should take her.  Jacob's championship game is tonight and it made more sense for me to ask questions rather than get pissed off at Jacob for him not asking the right things. 

The initial urine analysis came back fine.  They are sending it off for a culture and if that also comes back negative, we will consult a urologist.

Maybe tomorrow I can have a full school day to myself?  I sure hope so!  

a final offer

I don't know why this has been weighing on my heart recently.  When I dig deep, I think that maybe I want to relive all of this without awful grief just at the climax.  This morning, I knew I had to let Bethany and Phillip know that I am willing to try again if they wanted more children.  That said, we all know I am getting older and if it was there wish, we might want to start again sooner rather than later.  

God kept nudging me on my way home from mom and dad's.  I knew it wouldn't be appropriate for a text nor would I know what to say, plus I was driving.  Thus, I left a blubbering message for Bethany with these crazy thoughts.  I think they are content with Makenna, but you never know where someone else's heart lies.  

Bethany attempted to call back, but texted the sweetest message.  She and Phillip are beyond in love and are not thinking about additional children.  On one hand, I was relieved. On the other, I wanted new purpose.  I wanted that itch to make the right decisions to lose weight again.  Overall, though, I have always wanted them to be a family and that they are.   

This may say final, but if they were to change their minds and I was still at an age where it could be done, I am up for the challenge.  (Don't tell Jacob)

last minute trip

Last night, at Meade's dance class, I was an inch away from losing it.  We got the call that schools would be CLOSED again tomorrow.  Not just a delay, but closed.  I understand that some individuals in the county were still out of power, digging out of snow, and clearing fallen trees.  I know that buses are affected.  But how can I keep going?  I am not meant to be a stay at home mom and when Jacob has to work, I should be able to, too.  

This week has been rough keeping them entertained.  The few minutes I try to steal by my lonesome, are interrupted by screams of Mama or a little girl that must be touching me at all times.  I know, one day I will wish these days returned.  For now, I am over it.  I want to go back to work.  To an office.  Without kids.  Without a house that is never clean.  Without chores staring me in the face. 

Since school is closed today and the fact that there is more questionable weather coming through overnight, I made a last minute decision to take the kids to my parents.  I needed help.  I needed a little break here and there.  I knew they could make it happen.  Even if school is on tomorrow, so be it.  My kids will be absent.  

On the road, Bethany gave me a ring (I had asked her to if she was available).  We had a great conversation about many things.  The entire time, Makenna was cooing in the background.  For the first time in weeks, "my sweet little Henry" blurted out of my mouth.  I had forgotten I was going to call her Henry, but from now on, Henry it is.  From what Bethany said, she was full of smiles when she would hear my voice. Oh that does this heart good!

It has been a pretty easy day since getting to the river.  Meade and I went with dad to town.  He wanted me to go to the jewelry store to pick out a new diamond ring for my mom.  This excited me.  Since I am going to inherit it one day, hopefully a very long time from now, why not provide input on what I would like.  That was fun.  I had to bribe Meade with a flamingo necklace that will be ordered via Prime should she keep the jewelry store a secret.  I'm not sure she's a safe bet.

I am so thankful for my mom and dad.  For having a second home with them.  For being theirs.

good riddance?

I am so on the fence about this past year.  Should I be distraught over the unexpected and awful loss of Ricky or should I remember the difficult times we got through and the birth of sweet Makenna?  There was so much wonderful in the last year, but I have a hard time seeing through the fog to recognize them.  

We headed down to my parents Thursday after a nice visit with Skeeter.  The kids and I figured some time down there would do us good and Jacob could desperately use some alone time.  I wish I could have gone fishing, but I am glad I didn't!  My dad, uncle, and cousin were out on the water from 8am to almost 5pm.  I would have been freezing and we definitely wouldn't have made it with a kid on board!  It was nice to see them bring in some rockfish, finally!

My aunt drove down to also be with us and spend the new year together.  She and my uncle stayed the night.  I didn't make it to midnight - who does anymore?  

The plan was to come home yesterday, but we decided to stay an extra day.  The kids go back to school Monday - so they say.  The weather isn't looking good.  Yesterday morning, we all loaded up in Uncle Shug's big tahoe and scoped out three different properties.  They are looking to get a second home closer to the bay.  It was cool and I couldn't help but dream of the possibilities of them being closer while we are at Mom and Dad's too.  

2021 was crazy.  I pray for a smoother 2022 that's for sure.  I also pray to keep in mind all of the wonderful we had last year, despite losing one of my best friends.