walking for the brain

This holiday weekend has been nice.  I am feeling okay.  Some days better than others, but it just seems to be the way it is right now.  I was able to go down to my parents with Gregory Thursday and we stayed until yesterday morning.  We were planning to come home Saturday but it poured rain all day and I wasn't thrilled about driving back in that weather.  We missed Jacob so we got home yesterday.  Thankfully, today the sun is out and the kids are playing outside after being cooped up for way too long!

The biggest thing to note is that I made it a priority to get outside and get a little exercise.  My walking buddy and dear friend met me this morning and we went for a short walk - about 1.25 miles.  It was difficult, but it felt like my brain needed it more than my body.  I was absolutely exhausted when I got back and took a long nap on the couch.  However, I woke up feeling pretty good and without a headache.  Tomorrow morning, I am going head out early as I used to to start the day off with a walk.  Even though it is a little hard to breath, it feels like it should be when exercising so it isn't as frightening as it is with normal mundane tasks that really require very little effort.

I am so thankful for my friend, Kristi.  I was really nervous to hit the pavement and probably never would have on my own.  She is one of my biggest supporters through all of this and I so appreciate her willingness to stick by me even when I have been non-existent for the past several weeks.

an awfully good day

There's no way to explain today without contradiction.  I felt horrible all day long.  The headache is miserable.  It is strange how it is cyclical this week.  Every other day is a decent day and then a really bad day.  I guess I am lucky to say that 50% of the time, I am doing okay.  That aside, the appointment with Dr. C was perfect.  Bethany and Phillip were able to FaceTime and hear baby's heartbeat around 140!  All is wonderful with this precious little thing.  

It was restated that the only risk to baby's health due to COVID would be if my health significantly declined, which is great.  I have to continue to be cognizant of that and seek help quickly if anything goes awry.  Unfortunately, there is no medicine that will help with the headaches.  While there is one, Dr. C doesn't like to prescribe it because if taken a few times in a row, one has to deal with withdrawal symptoms of the medication on top of the headaches.  Really not worth it.  While she said she would prescribe it if absolutely necessary, she asked that I only take once every couple of days.  I decided I would continue the Tylenol regimen for now.

I must say that the office experience at VCU verses VWC is totally different.  Things take forever at VCU.  Checkout today took 20 minutes alone and that was before I could get more bloodwork drawn (for spinal defects).  I had dropped Gregory off at my aunt and uncles thinking I would only be gone for about an hour, but it was almost 2.5 hours.  I suppose I just need to factor the timing in on my work calendar from now on - frustrating but worth it to be able to see Dr. C.

One thing that concerned the nurse (and me) was my blood pressure.  It was 125/91.  To put this in perspective, my last BP was 91/66.  I always have great BP and when I am pregnant, it runs low.  This was a shock!  And, well, my weight wasn't so great, either - I gained 14 pounds since my last appointment.  So disappointing and frustrating, but I only have myself to blame.  No exercise and horrible eating are sure to cause weight gain!  When Dr. C came in I expressed my worry over the BP and she was not the slightest bit concerned - apparently if someone is in pain, as I am with this awful headache, it is normal for blood pressure to be raised.  That's good!  I also told her how mad I was at myself for the weight gain and she assured me that if this is the worst of it, who cares.  Even though I worked so damned hard to get it off, I will have the opportunity to do it again.  All that matters is that I get well and the baby continues to stay healthy, which it is.

Nana came over to help with Gregory this afternoon and then we left for my parents.  The drive down wasn't too bad, but I still feel pretty awful.  If we go in the same pattern we have been, tomorrow should be a better day!  Crossing my fingers for that!

a new me?

I hope so!

We seem to be under contract, finally, even though it is contingent upon the sale of the buyers' home.  I don't even care to be honest.  I am still pretty ill and have to focus on me.  While today is an okay day, yesterday was awful.  I could barely move my head without it throbbing for no reason at all.  Tylenol wasn't touching the pain.  Thank goodness for my mom - she could see in my eyes how miserable I was and didn't let me lift a finger when it came to the children.  

One thing I have learned through this, as hard as it is, is that I can relinquish control and things will still happen as they should.  I can't do it all and COVID has taught me that.  I left Dan and Jacob to do the house stuff and sat in the periphery, and of course, it worked out.  We still have a bit to go, hoping the buyers' house sells quickly, but the offer on our house was for full price, which is really nice.  Even though we have that, our house is technically still on the market and will not be "pended" until the other contract is ratified.  So, we are still having showings.  I am so sick of cleaning this place!  Frankly, I don't even really care anymore.  If there's dirt, so be it.  If there's a smudge on the counter, screw it.  Is the toilet lid down - don't know, don't care.  A huge learning experience for me and I hope that I remember this as times return to normal!

It was sad to drop my mom off this evening.  Thankfully, she did take Meade with her and Gregory and I will go to their house tomorrow after work so that I have help Friday.  While some days are really difficult, I am noticing improvements which is all I can ask for.  The icing on the cake today is that David and Maria brought over supper - we are good to go for several more nights.  Boy is my family lucky!  I am hopeful that tomorrow, Dr. C can offer some medication to help in managing the headaches on top of news that this sweet baby is still perfect!

back to the grind

This week I am trying to work full time again.  My work family knows that this is all dependent on how I feel.  I thank God for the fact that I picked my mom up this morning and she is here with us until Wednesday.  There is no way in the world that I could try to work full time, be here with the kids all day, and still not feel great.  Mom has already proven to be a huge help.  Today at work wasn't too bad, but I am tired.  The headache is here but not awful.  I am still taking Tylenol almost around the clock to keep it at bay.  

This afternoon, my aunt stopped by and brought supper to us.  So nice!  And, such a lovely meal like the ones that I grew up on and cook often - simple:  meat, starch, veggie.  We actually got to see a couple of my aunts and uncles on Saturday when we had to get out of the house for showings.  Even though I felt awful, we went down to Dunnsville and spent a couple of hours on the beach watching the kids play in the river.  It was really nice but way too much for me just yet.  I made sure that I never went in their home and stayed away from the others at all times.  When we got back to the cottage, I was exhausted.  Sunday, I was able to relax a good bit while Jacob took the reigns with the kids, taking them to Three Lakes Park as well as the church to ride bikes.  Boy am I indebted to him.  I think he knows, though, that I will only get better with a lot of rest.

I hope that the week continues as today has.  I can deal with the fatigue - the headaches are what stops me in my tracks.  Today was bearable and I pray tomorrow will be, too.  It is a little embarrassing on calls when it sounds like I am running a marathon when I am simply talking on the phone, but it is what it is.  In time, that should get better too.  One day at a time!

little improvements

I am definitely getting better.  I don't feel as though I have been hit by a truck and backed over to ensure I am down for the count any longer.  The symptoms that remain are shortness of breath, extreme fatigue, and headaches that won't give.  I suppose I can live with all of these as I have read that this is pretty normal.  Most of my phone calls for work I have to preface that even though it sounds like I am running a marathon, it is just recovery from COVID - literally all from just carrying on a conversation.  You don't want to see me when I walk from room to room or up the stairs.

I am beyond thankful that Jacob's return to work was thwarted for no reason on our part.  Apparently they were searching for Jacob, which is not his first name and the name that his vaccination is under - WIN for us!  He had to call them yesterday and they found his record and he went back to work today.  I couldn't have done any of this week without him.  Today was tough - there is no getting around that.  I think that I mustered strength to get through it, but I have hit a wall in the last hour and I am done!

We continue to have suppers from Bethany's parents that they dropped of Tuesday - another blessing!  We've gotten a couple of offers on the house and have a couple more showings tomorrow.  All in all, we are so lucky!

Hopefully this weekend we can continue to relax and I can find more footing healthwise.  I plan to go back to work full time next week, if at all possible.  

our village

I must say, we are so lucky to have our village.  They have been feeding my family all week.  I have had to ask some people for a raincheck because meals would just go to waste at this point.  Bethany's parents brought several items yesterday, including books for the children.  They stayed outside for a few minutes with Jacob and watched the kids play for a few minutes.  The kindness from them is just crazy and hard to believe.  Another friend has told me that she is going to bring supper any night and I keep putting her off, we have too much right now.  My aunt and uncle are scheduled for next week as are Phillip's parents.

I have gotten really awful at writing thank you notes.  My Tita is probably turning over in her grave.  I will not allow myself to feel guilty.  I always make sure to give appreciation via text, but it does not always go through the snail mail.

If you're part of our village please know that I probably don't acknowledge you enough.  We are beyond appreciative for all of the kind gestures constantly in addition to the thoughts and prayers - I promise.

hanging...

...by a thread.

We are doing the best we can right now.  Jacob has been at home with the children.  I am trying my best to work a 50% load.  Somedays I am doing more, some less.  We are schooling Gregory at home - his teacher dropped off all of his school work yesterday afternoon.  Of course, this means that Meade is doing school work, too.  Finding things to keep her engaged and at her level has been interesting - I am not a teacher (nor a stay at home mom) for a reason!

Gregory's school nurse called late last night.  I told her that I am isolated from the kids (as if that is ever a viable option as a mother).  In that case, though, Gregory can return to school June 1st.  What?!?  That's two weeks away.  Because of Memorial Day of course.  That is a week longer than I was expecting - ugh.  Hopefully we will figure out a good routine moving forward.

We don't know how long Jacob will be home - I thought they would have called today, but still nothing.  It's a win for us, though.  I know he's exhausted.  It takes all the energy I have to keep some of my calls on the calendar and then lie down because I am just so tired and/or feel like poop.  It is minute by minute around here.  On top of that, we are still figuring out the house stuff.  More showings starting tomorrow (that is when the VDH said that I would be okay to go out in public again).  This means that we have to have the house ready go show in a pinch - not easy with dirty children!

Dr. C's nurse did reach out yesterday and because of the COVID timeline, they will not change my appointment for the 27th.  This is good news!  I am in week 15 and while I was sure I could feel some movement at 13 weeks, I haven't felt anything in several days.  I'm thinking that I haven't had the wherewithal to notice, honestly.  I even grabbed a doppler from my friend.  I tried twice to find the heartbeat and gave up.  Frankly, I couldn't find mine either, so I am not at all concerned.

Please pray this baby makes it through the virus unscathed.  Please pray for Jacob, that he finds utmost patience in dealing with all of us and especially the children at home.  Please pray for Meade and Gregory, they don't really understand why they can't go anywhere and why they have to do so much schoolwork at home!  And, please, pray for my health.  If that improves, I think all on the peripheral will as well.

logistical nightmare

Trying to figure all of this out is a mess.  The kids got tested this morning and are both negative - thank God!  

I put in calls to both the CDC and the VDH and information coming from them is contradictory - even what is showing on the website verses what they are telling me.  In their defense, everything is changing all of the time so it is hard to determine what is the current guidance.

That said, a nurse at the VDH called me this afternoon.  She was very nice and helpful.  She let me know that due to the date my symptoms started (last Sunday), I will technically be on day 12 this Wednesday and as long as I don't have a fever, which I haven't since Tuesday, and other symptoms are improving, I can technically end quarantine and resume normalcy this Wednesday.  

I have informed work via text message and let them know I will work as much as I can this week but I have to prioritize my own health, which is most importantly rest right now.  Jacob informed his work and he cannot return until the nurse with Henrico calls him back and says it is okay (basically checking his vaccination records).  I texted both the director at daycare and Gregory's teacher.  They have both indicated that the kids cannot return this week, but I will have to give more information about an actual return date.  The nurse from Gregory's school is to call me tomorrow.  

Also, Dr. C's nurse will call tomorrow to let me know if I can still attend my OB appointment scheduled for Thursday the 27th.  Meade is scheduled to go to a reverse inclusion preschool evaluation at Gregory's school next Thursday, too, which is also up in the air.  

The unknown stresses me out more than just the issue of being miserable.  Somehow, someway we will get through it.  Please continue to pray with me that this sweet little girl will be unaffected.

not so pretty

Before I went to bed last night, I told everyone not to ask me how I felt in the morning.  Awful or great, I was going to muster up the energy to pretend I was fine and go about the day as normal.  I often feel that when I let my mind wander about how awful I feel, I tend to feel worse.  If I keep my mind occupied and elsewhere, I forget about the crumminess.  Well, I did just that.

I knew I wasn't feeling awesome, but I desperately wanted to go out on the water.  It is still pretty early in the season and we didn't have any peelers to fish with, but we went out regardless.  We had squid and shrimp for bait and caught nothing at all.  Being in the sunshine with the salty air passing my face did my soul good, but really didn't help me feel any better.  I kind of crashed when we returned - just needing to rest.

Then, tonight, after the kids went to bed, I got a text from CVS stating that my results were ready for me.  I opened the information to read this:

Is it real?  How could it be?  Holy crap - what do I do now?  Are the kids positive?  Have I exposed my aging parents even though they are fully vaccinated?  What about the baby?  A million questions ran through my mind.  The most important thing for me to do was to put in a call to the OB to see what needed to be done on that front.  Protecting this baby is my main goal at this point.

I called the after hours number with VCU women's health and was told that the OB on call would give me a call back in the next 15-30 minutes.  After 45 minutes, I was impatiently awaiting a phone call.  My mom and I sat out on the concrete and made a list of all of the places I had been in the last week and what we needed to figure out for the days ahead.  What a nightmare!

Finally, we got a call back.  Dr. Cox, whom I have never met, was as nice as she could be.  She said that if any person carrying a baby is going to contract COVID, the second trimester is the best time to get it.  The majority of the formation of the vital organs is complete and the risk to me, which puts the baby at greater risk is less at this time.  The biggest worry is my health because if I have trouble breathing or anything like that, it can have affects on the baby.  In the third trimester, complications can easily lead to pre-eclampsia and other items that would mean labor induction and a pre-term delivery.  While none of this is great to hear, I suppose we got the best information we could.  I did ask if I could go to a clinic or anywhere to get an ultrasound of the baby to make sure she was okay.  The doctor quickly said that there is no condition right now that would necessitate testing or an ultrasound so no physician would likely perform those actions.  In addition, because I am positive and not experiencing life threatening symptoms, no provider would likely see me.

I am exhausted, feeling awful, and my mind is spinning.  I am going to go to bed for now to try and rest to figure out the rest tomorrow.

still pitiful

Well, I didn't get better overnight.  I am much the same, but even more concerning, I went to eat dessert last night and realized that I have absolutely no taste.  I tried to smell things around me that one could discern by just the sense in their nose and nothing there as well.  I spent a couple of hours googling the vaccine in the middle of the night.  Can the vaccine cause losing senses of taste and smell, too?  All signs pointed to no.  This was very concerning.  I also took time to make an appointment, just in case, at CVS in Kilmarnock for a COVID test.  I'm sure it will come back negative, but we have to be sure of that and if for some reason if it is positive, I need to quarantine and address every other aspect of my life in the meantime.

I just got home from my appointment.  To my surprise, the drive through at CVS was super easy.  Unfortunately, this was not the rapid test so I will have to wait 1-3 days for results.  The lady at the pharmacy said I should get them tomorrow.  I'm pretty miserable, though.  It is kind of funny to hear people walk by me and tell me how I look like shit.  Guess I should be thankful that isn't a normal occurrence and if I look a quarter of the way I feel, I know it must be awful.  I plan to spend the remainder of the day in bed, letting everyone else take my motherly responsibilities and my only task is to try and gain strength and get better.

and a mack truck

Today was much the same.  I am no better, in fact, even worse.  I feel awful, as if I have the flu with symptoms intensified by four or so.  Jacob tells me to rest, which I definitely would like to do.  Even though I have taken off of work, I had to get the house ready for showings all weekend and an open house on Sunday.  The rest of the daily responsibilities associated with the kids remain as well.  That doesn't leave much time for rest.  Thankfully, work allots for COVID time in which I do not have to take my own PTO and because this is a reaction to the vaccine, I can take off using those hours.

For the first time during this, when I cough or sneeze, on top of peeing a little in my pants, my back hurts pretty bad.  I can only hope and pray that all of this ends soon.  Those that say that the reaction from the second shot is worse that the first is right on.  It is quite possible, too, that all of my symptoms are exacerbated by the fact that I am pregnant.  I remember when being pregnant with Gregory and Meade that just the normal cold was almost unbearable.  Plus, there's always the fact that you can't take meds other than Tylenol.  So, here we are - back aches, a pounding head, lots of nausea, total brain fog, coughing/sneezing fits and occasional congestion.  I can't wait to get off the road, sit down and relax at Mom and Dad's, hoping I will feel better tomorrow and can log in to catch up on work.

hit by bricks

This vaccine is no joke!  I feel like hell.  On top of the cough and sneezing, I have an awful headache, my body aches and I am ill.  I haven't had a fever since the middle of the night.  Oh, and add the pregnancy in, each coughing fit or sneeze makes me pee in my pants - what an awful cycle!  Some of those I have heard that deal with these side effects mention that it only lasts 12 hours or so.  Praying that is the same in my case and my relief will come soon.  Thank goodness for Jacob for basically letting me do nothing today.

If you don't realize how bad it is, I called out of work today.  If you know me at all, you know that I never forego work.  I cleared my calendar as I knew I couldn't handle it in this shape.  Hoping for a better night and day tomorrow!

shot + shot = vaccinated

So thankful that Dr. C permitted me to get the COVID vaccine.  I drove down to Providence Forge today and the same lovely people were at the Walgreens to check me in and administer the shot.  They remembered me and were so helpful!  So far, so good.  No issues other than fatigue, but that's pretty normal these days. 

I know the literature states that one is not fully vaccinated until two weeks after the second dose, but I am making it count now!  I will not forego wearing masks or being careful, that's for sure, but I will revel in this state of protection!!

rough cough

Last night, I started having an awful dry cough.  I didn't think much of it, but because of the nature, I reached out to the OB just in case.  That is what every expecting mom does.  One can sneeze differently and want some assurance that everything is okay.  I spoke to the nurse and let them know that I am not having trouble breathing and there is no discomfort, but it feels like there is an elephant on my chest, from the perspective of tightness.  Dr. C. wrote back and said that she is not concerned but I could consult with my PCP and potentially get a COVID test.  

I'm not at all worried about COVID, plus I have my second vaccine tomorrow.  The cough has gotten a little worse during the day but nothing I can't handle.  Can't wait to be fully vaccinated tomorrow!

mother's day

Mother's Day has a whole new meaning for me these days.  I realize that there are so many mothers, or those desiring to be mothers that find this day to be a huge heartache.  That is not fair.  Yeah, life isn't fair - I know.  I wish I could take away all of that pain.  While I am working to relieve this hurt for Bethany, I wish I could do more.  

When I first offered to this opportunity to Bethany, she was very transparent and allowed me to read an essay she had written about Mother's Day.  It pulled at every heart string I had.  I had seen people struggle with infertility or pregnancy loss, but it never hit home.  This beautiful, yet awfully eye-opening read was something that hit me like a ton of bricks.  How could I be so naïve to not even try to understand what others go through in this regard?  Through this journey, I have shared in the heartache these wishful parents experience and this Mother's Day is so very beautiful because of the baby I am carrying, but also very blue because of all of the friends I have made that continue to struggle.

I'm not sure if it is the craziness of the pregnancy, the poignancy of the day, or what, but I am beat.  My parents came here for an early lunch and I fell asleep right after eating.  I could barely function.  Plus, Jacob and I were arguing, which never makes it easy.  (Hey, there isn't a normal married couple that doesn't have their tiffs!)  I felt awful when my parents left when I was asleep but they tried to make me feel okay and asked me to get more rest.  

Happy Mother's Day to all of those out there that are able to share in the celebrations of the day.  I wish those that want to celebrate the day peace and comfort as they navigate the unfortunate reminders of this day.  

it's a...

...secret for now as far as the blog goes.

It is hard to believe but everyone was greatly surprised that we were there and the supper was to reveal the gender.  We all shared tears and so much joy with one another!  While Jacob and I were also hoping to get news of an accepted house offer, that didn't happen, but it never took away from the purpose in which we were all gathered.  

There was even discussion (that I was not privy to) for a potential name, too.  The pizza was amazing, the cupcakes pretty good, and the fellowship hard to beat!  My heart is so very happy to be on this journey with continuing good news!

reveal prototyple

A little teaser here!  All of the supplies have come in and this is what the box will look like, housing the cupcake that will give away the gender of this sweet baby!  Instead of the white tie, though, I am going to use twine - Bethany liked that better.  Ah, this is so exciting!  

party prep

When I say I live for this stuff, it is beyond true!  I have had ideas about a reveal for a while, but I only want to do what Bethany is comfortable with me doing.  I also don't ever want her to feel like I (we) need to be invited to anything.  She was on board with me making cupcakes to give away the gender!  I scoured amazon for the perfect boxes to put them in with a few other little details and sent her what I had in mind.  She liked my ideas and returned some of hers so we could together make it all work.  

This little supper is going to be awesome!   I won't bake until Friday, but I am so darned excited already.  I have a feeling that their families have an idea of why we are getting together (they don't know we will be there), but who cares - it is going to be fun and and a surprise gender regardless!  

On top of it all, I am so impressed with Bethany!  Her parents went to Northern Virginia this past weekend and she was able to keep the gender a secret still!  I just knew that she would spill the beans and I couldn't blame her. This has been such a long time coming that I would want to, too.  But, she didn't!  She held out and we will all get together Saturday to start spoiling this little baby!

13 and counting

It is amazing we have made it this far and although the road ahead is long, the first trimester is almost behind us.  On top of the wonderful news we got this week, we also were told the gender.  We did not realize that we would find out the sex until the anatomy scan at 20 weeks, but Dr. C offered to tell us, thinking that we already knew due to the IVF.  Since Bethany and Phillip's embryos were not tested, we did not know what the gender of this little one (or the others that didn't make it) was.  I called Bethany to make sure they wanted to know and we were all on pins and needles until we got the message back on the portal.  

I knew that Bethany had clients starting and that she would really only be available the last ten minutes of each hour.  I constantly checked the portal awaiting a response.  Then, there it was - a totally new message with the subject "gender."  I was nervous to open it but I did and was delighted!  I am not going to share on here yet until after others are told, but I started texting Bethany and Phillip and tried to add a little bit of suspense.  Phillip wasn't having it and frankly it was a little cruel.  All that said, we had a quick facetime celebration and all went back on to complete our days.  

Now to plan a surprise gender reveal - woohoo!  I live for this type of stuff!