crazy drug costs

I called the pharmacy when I got the go ahead to continue medication, knowing that I would need more Lupron.  Frankly, I didn't know if I had enough to get me through the weekend.  I told the lady there that I needed it tomorrow, since we go out of town Thursday.  They always send overnight, but she had to get payment before she could send.  She said she would reach out to Bethany for payment and depending on that, they will put it in the mail.  

After 5 I got a voicemail that stated they couldn't get in touch with Bethany (of course, she is with clients all day!)!  Thankfully, they called me as I asked.  I said I would pay for the costs to make sure I didn't miss an injection.  I gave them my card number and then it dawned on me to actually ask for the price.  I was asked if insurance was involved - no.  Then what clinic we work with - SGF.  I guess they had to look at some sheet and informed me that it was $600.  Are you kidding me?  $600 for a teeny tiny vial?  That is NUTS!  I don't know this for sure, but if they had to ask what clinic we are using, seems to me SGF might get some kind of kickback here.  Otherwise, the cost would be the same for anyone without insurance, right?

I knew all of this was ridiculously expensive, but I guess it didn't register truly.  On top of the extreme expense just for the IVF, there are so many drugs involved.  I can't imagine the costs I don't know about!

low progesterone

Here we have it!  We got the good news this afternoon that I got the results we needed to decrease the Lupron and start the Estrace!  Woohoo!  My worrying was worthless!  

The appointment I had this morning was my best at SGF Richmond.  I saw a new doctor this morning.  He was young and personable.  He went on to share everything he was seeing on the screen, showing me how fertile I was, after counting 16 eggs.  Said I shouldn't have a problem conceiving.  Then, I explained to him that we weren't using my eggs.  Well, that changes things, he went on to say.  

None of that matters - the lining was good, my uterus looks great, there are no cysts on my ovaries, and my bloodwork was perfect.  Woohoo!  What a relief!

And, it is on my list to call SGF about my next appointment to see if I can change to see that Dr. again.  It was nice to have someone that was willing to entertain questions and be so transparent with what was showing up via the ultrasound!

gaining perspective

I was finally able to chat with Kim, our wonderful nurse, today.  She helped me to better understand what the lab work indicated as far as ovulation and that these first results happen often.  Basically, even though I am on the Lupron, my body was still trying to ovulate due to the cessation of the hormone pills.  The good news is that even though the progesterone was high, I am probably on the down swing of that ovulation and she expected that my progesterone would be back to the baseline (where it needs to be) tomorrow.  

I also asked her many of the "what ifs."  What if my bloodwork isn't ideal again?  The good thing here is that the donor doesn't begin her medications until July 3rd.  So, if this is the case, we will continue on the larger dose of Lupron, not start the Estrace yet, and go back for more bloodwork/ultrasound Thursday.  This quieted my nerves a little.  There is still wiggle room and she confirmed that - thank God!

What if on Thursday I am still not where I need to be?  This is the worst case scenario and although unlikely, it just means that if everything continues on schedule with the donor the embryos will need to be frozen and thawed, delaying the transfer date 1-2 weeks.  Okay, again, this will be okay.  While not ideal as Bethany and Phillip lost 80% of their embryos during the last thaw, we could still work with it.

Lastly, I asked about if Bethany can go with me to the transfer as of right now.  Due to COVID, it is unlikely she will be able to attend.  This flat out stinks.  We want to be there together.  Of course, we can be with each other before and after, if it works out, but it is a little disheartening.

We will take the hits as they come and none at this point will be enough to quit.  We are on our way and we will get there!!!

something in the water

Somehow, someway, we find the right spots in life.  I am in mine, with my family, during this time.  The water just adds that much extra to it all.  Boy am I the luckiest gal in the world!

Y'all sometimes it is hard to fathom all I have been blessed with in this crazy ride called life.  My parents, two of my best friends in the whole world, realized their dreams and moved to the water in Northumberland, VA in December of 2018.  Since that time, they were able to sell their home, the one I grew up in, in West Point.  While there were many mixed emotions and the thought of them being 1.5 hours away verses the 45 minutes, but it was their dream and not mine.  Of course, we always wanted them to be closer to the water, I just wish they were closer to us.

After the house sold, they were able to buy a nice fishing boat to gallivant the Chesapeake Bay.  Little did I know that their home would quickly become our second home.  Thanks to COVID and the inability to go anywhere, we have taken the kids down there for the majority of the weekends over the last couple months.  The peace that this place brings to my heart is something I didn't realize existed.  

This morning, my dad and I went out for a quick fishing trip before breakfast.  Since Thursday, I have been reeling (no pun intended) over the bloodwork results.  The pictures don't do it much justice, but as we went out the creek, the beauty was breathtaking.  In that moment, I found such a calm and quiet peace within.  As we embarked further into the Bay and the sun was rising, I snapped the second picture.

shoes news

Since COVID came about, I have been pounding the pavement more than normal.  The gym is closed, so no more treadmill and I have found that my me-time out in the dark morning air is what keeps me going each day.  I have been consistently walking 5 miles each morning before getting the workday started.  My feet have been taking a beating.  About 8 weeks ago, I decided I needed new shoes.  My feet were rubbing and I was getting blisters.  I reached out to a podiatrist friend to see brands she suggested as I felt that my normal go-to Saucony's just weren't right anymore.  DUMB IDEA!

As my friend said everyone's feet are different and no shoe is perfect for any given two people, I decided to order Asics that were on sale, plus the ole handy buy one get one half off sale at Shoe Carnival.  Online, of course.  I got two of the same pair in my normal size.  The first few walks were miserable but my brain was telling me I just had to break them in.  I even bought some inserts thinking i just needed a little extra support.  Fast forward a few weeks, I was having the same issue on the top of my foot plus, big and bad blisters.  I called Shoe Carnival to see if they would accept the other ones I hadn't tried on yet back.  Absolutely, no problem.  On a whim, I told them my issue and asked if they would also consider taking back the ones I had been wearing for three weeks because they were awful for my feet.  The manager told me to bring them in and she would help me the best she could.

I headed over to the local store and first asked to be fitted.  WHO KNEW that when losing 100+ pounds, you may also drop an entire shoe size and go from needing wide ones to needing normal ones?  Well, that explains my problems!  I found one of my old faithful pairs in the adjusted size and decided on those, having to order the second pair since there were no more remaining.  When I got to register, the sweet lady, Emerald, said she would absolutely take both pairs back!  What?  That is amazing!  I almost felt kind of bad for the return but then took a moment to think about how wonderful the customer service was and how I will try not to go anywhere but there to ever buy shoes again!

I am slowly getting back to walking comfortably - the current blisters are still working their course.  However, the fit feels amazingly better already!

Moral of the story is - it never hurts to ask.  I can't tell you how many times I have asked a million questions about surrogacy, some of which weren't received so well, but I have learned my boundaries in this game.  And, trust your intuition!  If something doesn't feel right (no pun intended), investigate.  Be informed.  Be your best!

unsatisfactory bloodwork

Never did I think that bloodwork would be the first hurdle, but here we are!  Apparently, my progesterone levels are too high, which is an indication of ovulation, which is exactly what the Lupron injections are working to prevent.  From what I have learned, the Lupron is putting my body into a fake menopause, hence the night sweats!  

When DeNita called me yesterday afternoon I didn't know what to think.  What does this mean moving forward?  How does that happen?  Can we remedy it?  Isn't getting off of active birth control pills and starting your period supposed to make one ovulate?

I was brought off the ledge quickly.  Apparently this happens often.  They want progesterone levels now so that we are more apt to have a higher level at the time of transfer.  At this point, there is no need to worry about the currently scheduled transfer date.  Instead, I have to stay on the higher dosage of Lupron and wait to start Estrace until word is received from the nurse about an extra scheduled bloodwork and ultrasound visit next Tuesday.  I am curious to know what the course will be if it continues to happen, but I will cross that bridge when we get there.  Despite being a little discouraged because it isn't ideal, we will get through this, too!

I finally got to talk through it with Bethany today.  I didn't want her to be disappointed or let her down, but we are always transparent with one another.  I was surprised to hear that she was not concerned at all!  Above and beyond that, it was so nice just to chat with her.  It had been so long!  Hearing her voice calmed me immediately.  I am so glad I am here, with them, through all of this!  

back at it

Morning!

Sitting in the exam room with a million thoughts running through my mind!  Yucky ones - Am I going to bleed all over this table?  The scary ones - what if they find something that isn’t right?  And the best ones - the journey is finally underway and I am so so so very excited.  I’ve longed for this for almost a year now, and Bethany and Phillip for several years. 

My text from Bethany a moment ago said “My baby is going to have the best first babysitter ever!”  If that doesn’t bring a smile to your face and joy in your heart, I am not sure what else may.  This is it.  The timing is right, my mind is in a good place, my weight is going in the right direction (176.8!) and life is good!! 

Waiting on the MD to come in for the ultrasound and then I will do the bloodwork.  SO many positive thoughts and prayers are running through my mind!  If you have a few extra, please send yours, too!

hallmark holidays

It is Father's Day.  The same with Mother's Day this year, my first thought was Phillip and Bethany.  Just like I did in May, I sent Phillip a text message first thing, before Jacob was even away to recognize him. Next year is their year!  Next year I cannot wait to finally allow them to celebrate these ridiculous Hallmark holidays with a sweet wee one.  I can't wait to scream Happy FUCKING Day to YOU in 2021!  These days must be excruciating for them for all that they have endured.  Frankly, I can't imagine.  I am not big on these holiday's myself, but I am sure they would be so much bigger (positive and negative) if we had difficulty becoming parents.

injecting hope

I am so excited to write that I gave myself the first injection of Lupron this morning!!  While I was nervous, there was no pain, a little bit of itching, and no side effects just yet.  Easy peasy (I dread the progresterone shots later)!  I put a feeler out on a facebook group to ask what known side effects some had experienced.  Most said headaches, hot flashes, and night sweats.  So far so good!  Who knows what the next minute or next week will bring, but I am ready to take it on!

Jacob and I also went this morning to re-do our infectious disease bloodwork.  You know, if we were to have an STD or some disease that could be passed to the baby, that would be problematic.  Everyone asks why Jacob, too?  Well, the clinic "assumes" we are having sex, so those types of diseases that are being screened for could be transferred to me.  We got this lab work done back in December, but apparently they have to have a new screen on file every six months and since transfer will be in 7 months, we had to get it done again.  While unnecessary, although I understand it, it is another way for the clinic to gouge Bethany and Phillip on top of the extreme expenses they have already incurred.

I hope to be able to write that I have no side effects from the Lupron, but we shall see!  Don't judge my ugly belly - just keep in mind it used to be MUCH larger!

Add caption

relinquishing expectations

The further along we get, I am trying to get my mind in the right spot so that there is nothing within my control that may create issue.

First, Jacob and I are thinking about putting the kids back in daycare.  10+ weeks in, this shit is stressful.  For the first 6 weeks, Jacob was home with the kids.  Now, I am trying to do it solo while still putting in approximately 50 hours each week for work.  It is miserable and I feel as though I cannot be a really good employee nor a really good parent during all of this.  The stress alone opens opportunity for failed conception.  If I can alleviate the majority of the stress in my life, it will put us in the best position possible for a positive result, easier pregnancy, and healthy baby.

Second, I am strengthening my faith.  God has helped me tremendously throughout life, even moreso throughout this journey.  Yet, as the recent struggles have come into play, I have not leaned on Him as much as I should have.  I am actively working on restoring my relationship with him so that when I may not understand, I do not lose hope.

Third, I am keeping up the exercise.  Each morning, I leave around 430am and walk five miles before work.  I want to keep this up as long as I am able as it gets my blood flowing, my head in a good space, and overall ready for the day.  I am also trying to not give up on weekend exercise.  Even if it isn't five miles a day, any walk is good.

Lastly, and probably most important, I am getting my head around the process thus far and while I have the greatest of expectations, those need to be left at the door.  Expectations here, to me, are unnecessary and may create additional heartache.  In my own pregnancies, I went in without expectation and I am pleased that I did, as I was not disappointed at the end of the day.  While I will not expect any given outcome or result from a test/procedure/etc., my faith and hope has exponentially grown.  So, don't think that because I give up expectations I am not still fully committed.  I am more positive than ever but don't want to be let down.  I will not be allow myself to be discouraged, but will leave tough phases with understanding and enter new phases with renewed strength, hope, faith, and commitment.

Ultimately, we will have a baby.  The timing is not ours.  We aren't driving down the path.  We are on a roller coaster and with every dip and triumph, we will work through them and keep on trucking.  

diverting attention

I know that I have been quasi-aloof in this process this go-round.  Everything is crazy and continues to be, but I think it is good.  I have been obsessing over this journey and the pause has given me the ability to focus on my own family and my own work, which is such a challenge during this COVID time.  I am struggling, but too, I have not given much thought to the next steps here.

I looked at the calendar and realize that I am set to start injections June 18th!  I am more than ready, better than ever, and am determined to make this work.  I can't believe we are only a week away!  I am getting my head back in the game and oh so thankful for the "break" that I think gave each of us a little bit of downtime that while I definitely didn't want, God knew I needed!

challenging myself

For the past several months, I have struggled to lose anymore weight.  The last time I weighed in at SGF, at the end of January, which prompted the shared risk program approval, I was at 185.8.  I have hovered over 180 ever since - going from 188-177.  I am thankful that even if I were to go back up above 190, it doesn't matter, but my plan is to get in the healthiest stop possible so that there is less weight gain to eventually lose after this baby gets here.

I saw a facebook post this weekend of another mom friend that had recently won a weight loss challenge.  Competition?  How do I sign up!?  I looked into it.  Running from today through July 31st, the person that loses the most pounds wins.  Everyone pays $10, weighs in each week to show progress, and winner takes all.  I asked if the win was done by pounds loss or percentage of body weight.  Back when I was pushing 300 pounds, I would have wanted it by pounds of course, but now that I am healthier I was hoping to hear that the winner was determined via percentage.  Regardless, this challenge crowns the winner with the biggest pound loss.  Who cares?!?  I can still win it!  

Here goes nothing!  Weighing in on a Monday is also awful - the weekends are always my worst eating habits with very little exercise.  I have to start somewhere right?  My goal would be to be at 165 for transfer, which gives me 2 months to lose 22 pounds.  This is really lofty, but if I could even get close to 170, I am extremely happy with that.  I also want Dr. Nair to see that I am continuing to work on everything despite reaching the BMI goal for the surrogacy.  

Let the games begin!