on a whim

While we were supposed to stay in Heathsville until tomorrow morning, we made a last minute decision to come home this evening.  Meade still isn't well and Gregory isn't feeling good now.  Since we were going to leave early, it made sense to come home tonight so we could all sleep in our own beds and hopefully rest a little more than we would have at Granny and Pops'.  I think Jacob was relieved, too.  I am really thankful that there isn't anything planned for this weekend so that we can relax and recharge for the new week.  It is hard to believe that Christmas is right around the corner.

so thankful

We changed our plans to head to Mom and Dad's early for Thanksgiving.  I mentioned my struggles of patience and such to Bethany and said that Meade had a cough.  I think that scared her so much and she said that they would not go to the family Thanksgiving.  That wouldn't be fair.  Everyone wants to be with that baby and I decided that we would wait and make the decision yesterday.  Meade's cough is not better, so we opted not to go there.  Thank goodness for Nana - she took everything we had made for that gathering (even baking one dish) and made sure it got to Dan and Christen's.

It was a really quiet, yet nice day.  Meade was still feeling pretty crummy, so she opted to stay inside and play alone while the boys played out in the woods most of the day.  They kept talking about their forts, the "shop," etc. and all they were doing out there so I asked Gregory to draw me a map of their stuff.  It is precious.  

A couple of times during the day, Mom and Dad were sad, but I didn't let my emotions get to me.  I spent a lot of time doing a puzzle and keeping to myself.  It doesn't feel like Ricky is really gone - just that he isn't here with us right now.  Regardless, it is nice to be with my family at this time.

I was a little relieved that we didn't go to Jacob's family for Thanksgiving.  I wanted so badly to see the baby, but understood that Meade being around with a cold wasn't the best idea.  I am so very thankful for all of them and especially how we have bonded together over the last two years.  What a major blessing we have in baby Makenna.  I couldn't ask for more, except for Ricky to be here with us.

boiling over

Today has been the toughest one yet.  The children have been habitual whiners for a while and it is really getting to me. I’m almost always happy to get what they ask for or help them in anyway, but instead of simply making a request, the prefer to whine.  I can’t handle it.  On the way to school, I even screamed - stop fucking whining! - as Gregory was complaining that his seatbelt was twisted.  I couldn’t get my own shit together and lost it on them.  No, it’s not the first time they’ve heard that word, but I was mortified at my own behavior.

At drop off, one of the teachers said I was the best mom. A very nice thought, but if she’d been around 10 minutes prior, she’d be wanting to call CPS. I cried the whole way home and could barely function yet I was so thankful to have sometime to myself.

Crossing off my to-do list was short lived.  The school called.  Meade went to school with a cough, but no fever.  Regardless, she needed to go home and couldn’t return tomorrow without a negative test.  Thanks, COVID.

Thankfully, I was able to get her to the pediatrician quickly but the morning was wasted by the time we got home.  I had so much to do, but didn’t want her in front of a screen all day.  This, not much got done on my end.

Thank goodness for a text from my therapist to remind me that I had a session at noon.  The last thing I wanted to do, but it was on the agenda so I had to.  Plus, I knew I needed it.  We talked about random things.  There were several lulls and I waited for her to ask me something.  I was not engaging very well, plus Meade was in the background or on my lap.

Eventually I told her about the fiasco this morning. She asked me about coping mechanisms which I simply stated even if I know them, I don’t often use them as I should.  She said I am like a boiling pot of water and unless I turn the burner down, I’m going to keep spilling over. No shit.  So, her thought was to take deep breaths.

Focused breathing?  Not easy when you’ve got kids screaming, crying and whining right beside you.  But yes, I can give it a whirl.

From the moment Gregory got in the car, he started whining.  Why did Meade leave school?  I wanted to go home early! Meade got a donut? That’s not fair!  I tried to keep my cool and take deep breaths. It took all I had to make it home without breaking.

Snacks - have whatever.  I didn’t have it in me to fight - they were fighting each other enough without me in the mix.  I had about all I could handle of their bickering and noticed that their snack trash was on the floor.  I asked them both about 5 times and gave them 10 minutes to get it in the trash.  Gregory flat out refused so I took his iPad.  Well, that brought on about 45 minutes of screaming, stomping and crying.  Finally Jacob got home and I said it was all him from there. 

I’m so grateful that I had a walk planned with a friend and colleague.  We walked about two miles until it was dark.  It was nice to catch up on our personal lives and work.  She’s a good ear to have and her kids are older so she totally gets it.  I needed that time out in life badly.

Ever since I got home, I haven’t done much with the kids - I think Jacob realized it wouldn’t be good for any of us.  

weekend fun

This weekend we were able to have a few things planned to keep the kids occupied.  Mom called Saturday morning and asked me to come down and go fishing with Dad on Sunday.  I wanted to go so badly but didn’t want to be on the road for three hours plus freeze out in the bay.  It made sense to decline for now and find family stuff to do at home. 

Yesterday, Jacob took Meade to see the high school adaptation of Beauty and the Beast.  It was an abbreviated matinee specifically for children.  Jacob’s friend from a long time ago was selling the tickets because her daughter was Belle.  I think it was a really nice outing for Jacob and Meade to have together.  She even got to take a picture with Belle!

Gregory and I stayed home until the cleaning crew left. We scheduled the house cleaning thanks to our generous friends that gifted it to us a few weeks ago amidst all of the craziness.  I can’t think of a more thoughtful thing, especially when meals are coming out of our ears.  

Once the cleaning ladies left, Gregory and I went on a nature walk at the Totopotomy trail. It was nice to have some alone time with him, all while getting some exercise.  

Saturday evening, we had planned to go to a friends house for kid play and supper.  It ended up turning into a Friendsgiving of sorts with another family and the host’s parents.  It was nice to be with the other families and since one of the gals is from home, we could talk openly about Ricky.  There was some baby/surgery talk too, but not too much.  

At one point, I had to take a break and go outside.  Im just not myself, especially in social situations.  Thankfully, everyone understood.  It was such a low key environment where I was comfortable we even stayed out past bedtime.  

Today, since I declined fishing, even though my heart wanted so badly to be on the water with Dad, we had a couple of fun, impromptu activities.

I invited the families we were with last night to send their kids over to bake cookies for their teachers for thanksgiving.  It was so nice to stay busy, see the kids have fun, and let them play freely for a while.  I think everyone had fun.  Then, we were lucky to have Aunt Shut and bear come play this afternoon.  

Alison and I talked a lot about everything, especially Ricky.  She brought up some things I hadn’t thought of, which made me think.  I just wish that I wasn’t in this place of grief.  I know it gets better and it will - I just hate this in between stage.  

overdue date

Thanks to Cheryl and Steve, Jacob and I went out to supper tonight. Not only did they give us the restaurant gift card, but they also came over to take care of the children so we could have a night out.

The food at the Sedona Tap House was amazing.  I was pleasantly surprised.  I’d never heard of the restaurant before! We are way too many appetizers and trying to finish our meals wasn’t going to happen.  I had an awful headache by the time we left because I was trying so hard to hold my tears back.

We were sitting outside on their patio as it was a nice evening and the sky behind Jacob was beautiful.  I couldn’t help but think about the last few weeks and the tears just started flowing.  I wasn’t boohooing but the tears just streamed.  It’s such an awful feeling not being in control of my emotions. 

Life isn’t fair. I know that. I’ll never understand why Ricky was called to heaven early but I have to believe that he is happy.  I’m not, but it’s not about me.  I selfishly want him here.  I want him with his son.  I want our family to be whole. I don’t want to be the only one left.  I don’t want my parents to grieve another child. 

As the tears rolled down my cheeks, Jacob said that for the first time in his life he is mad at God.  This snapped me back to reality and I had to say this isn’t a time to be angry with God.  We can be angry about the situation but God knows what he is doing, even if it makes no sense to us.

Trying to hold back the emotions brought on an awful headache and I was so glad to get home.  The kids were spoiled and had an amazing time with Bethany’s parents.  It was heartwarming to see them having such fun playing games when we returned. 

neighbor help

One of our dear neighbors, Ms. Sally, has been asking to have the children over to play with her grandchildren for a while.  We made it happen today after school and before the Wednesday evening routine.  When I confirmed with her, I asked if I needed to stay.  If not, I was going to go out for a walk.

Ms. Sally immediately told me to walk that she would be fine with the kids.  My heart needed that time alone, in nature. At one point, I started getting a little upset and with the heavy breathing was worried I was bringing on a panic attack.  I thought I would need to call Jacob but talked myself off the ledge and control my breathing.  The three miles went too fast - my mind yearned for more.  That said, my body was done.  Hah!

The children had a grand time over there and can’t wait to go back!

This morning, I had another treat, too.  I met an old friend for breakfast. We talked a lot about everything going on and she was a good sounding board because she has been bombarded with big events (good and bad) in a short time period in the past.  

I’m so thankful for those that continue to surround me in love and prayer.  I could never be still standing without them.

legal help

Today we met with an attorney to sort out the next steps to get everything on Ricky's end handled.  I learned a few things and Mom, Dad, and I divided items up to follow through on.  I will apply to be the administrator for him once he has been dead for 60 days.  I can't do much with some of the financial things until that point.  

The best part of today is that I took a nap AND a walk.  Doing both is so helpful to me mentally and physically.  I definitely needed the mental help after meeting with the lawyer today.

no time for rest

Today has been another whirlwind - glad I rested up yesterday.  I got up early and did my normal Sunday morning grocery run.  Then, I was simply exhausted.  I told Jacob I need to go upstairs and lie down around 9.  My intention was to take a quick nap, get up and run some errands, then shower and get ready for a little guy's 8th birthday party.  

I didn't wake up until noon!  I slept for three whole hours!  While it felt nice, it also worries me about getting to sleep tonight.  So much for those errands, eh, I'll get them done this week.  After the birthday party, we were looking forward to seeing Bethany, Phillip and Makenna and then a couple of other friends were stopping by for a quick visit.

The birthday party was really nice.  I wasn't sure how I'd handle being in the large group of Moms and Dads that I had been with before, but it wasn't too bad.  The grandmother of the birthday boy even made a point to come up to me and give me accolades for the birth and also condolences for Ricky. She was really sweet.  

Bethany and Phillip arrived a little after we got home.  They gave the kids each a book and a present for helping me to help them become a family.  It was all super generous and the kids were in hog heaven.  I was holding little Makenna the whole time, telling her how much I loved her, and simply in awe that this little gal grew in my belly for the last 9 months.  It truly doesn't resonate.  I wonder if it ever will.  

Then, Phillip gave Jacob an envelope for the both of us.  When I got to see what it was, I was so surprised, upset, thankful, etc.  All of the emotions.  We didn't do this for gifts, we did this to give a gift - not to receive them.  Well, they had given the two of us two nights at the Tides Inn, an upscale, riverfront resort type destination on the Rappahannock - literally only about twenty minutes from my parents home.  On top of that, they gave a hefty gift card to cover all meals/amenities while we were there.

The more I think about it, this was the perfect gift.  The luxury is something we probably would never have done for ourselves and it gives us some time away that we desperately need.  I just can't believe it.

Then, there were two more envelopes - one addressed to Gregory and one to Meade, both from Makenna.  Each of them had a sweet message about how thankful Makenna was that they helped their mom make them a family and she wanted to help with their future.  Then, a very large check to each of them for their college accounts.  Again, so unnecessary, but very appreciated.  Bethany knew they would make me uncomfortable, but said I couldn't get mad because it was from Makenna.  Okay, I guess so.  The visit with them was wonderful. They had grabbed Jacob a fishing bag, Alabama shirt, lots of gift cards to different fast food places, etc.  I'm so glad they showered him with something special, too.

A little bit after they left, our friends Thomas and Nicole stopped by to bring us supper.  Their little boy and the rest of us went downstairs to watch some football and chat while the kids played.  It was a really nice time together.  

Overwhelmed is an understatement.  I hope that one day I can return all of the favors, love, support, etc. to everyone that has been so kind to us over the last several weeks.  All of it still seems like I am watching the story of someone else's life, not living it as my own.

home on the water

It was so nice and relaxing to be home with my parents.  Mom and Dad don't let me lift a finger to help with anything - around the house or with the children.  I literally sat on my bottom most of the last couple of days, doing different puzzles.  I am feeling pretty good.  I was worried about breaking down while there, but I held it together.  

Dad picked up Ricky's son and he joined us Friday evening.  I think we all were worried about him being there for the first time since his dad passed and figured it would be best to have my children there as a distraction.  Dad said he got teary when he left his mom, but everything went well once he got on the road.  The nighttime routine was what we were dreading.  Ricky's son always slept with him.  He said he wanted to sleep with Gregory, which was fine, but they couldn't both go up awake at the same time.  

Mom had him stay up a little bit later and read with him for a while until Gregory was asleep and then put him in bed with Gregory.  I was waiting to hear him yell all night long for his dad, he often did this anytime is dad got out of bed.  Thankfully, there were no issues.  We got up and did the morning routine without problems.  

My family had to leave early to get Gregory back for his last soccer game.  It was fun to watch him play with both Nana and cousin, boy Meade.  Meade even brought little Bear.  I was looking forward to it because I had the coaches gifts - one for all kids to sign - and cookies for each family.

Once we got home, I was a vegetable on the couch.  I took a nap, woke up for a bit and took another nap.  I guess I was tired.  Now, I am wide awake and it is way past my bedtime.  

reasons unknown

I had my follow up with Dr. C today.  She checked my incision and felt that everything is great.  When I mentioned that my fat roll was botched, she dismissed it and said that it just looks funny due to the swelling.  I am not having that, but figured she would see at the six week check.  All in all, though, everything is great.  I felt that my incision smelled bad but she didn't smell it and there was no indication of any infection or anything.  

When sweet Charity, our nurse, was doing my vitals and such, she went through the postpartum assessment.  Every question was something about moods, behaviors, and when asked if anything has changed or if anything is essentially bad, is it for reasons unknown.  I answered everything honestly because even though I am struggling, I know the reasons.  I think I've mentioned this before, but I do not in any way feel that my sadness has anything to do with the birth or the baby.  And frankly, I am probably better off since sweet Makenna was born.  My hormones should be getting somewhat back to normal, which is what throws me for a loop emotionally during pregnancy.

Mom and I grabbed the kids from school and headed down to her house for a couple of days.  The kids are off school tomorrow and we need to be back Saturday morning for soccer.  I never thought to pack snacks for the ride to Granny and Pops', instead I was sure to be stocked for the soccer game.  As if that makes any sense - but, that shows you where I am mentally these days.  The kids were fussing and whining so much about the lack of snacks - even though I had some random things in the car - as well as the temperature.  Meade is always hot and Gregory is always cold.

Finally, my poor Mom lost it.  She yelled at Meade:  that's enough, I have heard enough, damnit!  I knew this wasn't going to end well.  Even though it shut Meade up for the remainder of the ride, it hurt Granny that she broke.  I reached over to hold her hand and just rubbed her arm a little - I knew what was coming.  Poor Mom couldn't hold back the tears and quietly sobbed for a moment.  It broke my heart.  I know all too well this feeling, especially now.

Eventually, we made it here to Heathsville.  It was so wonderful to see and hug daddy and just be.  Sarah was there helping with tons of things around the house, as she had been doing for weeks now.  Thank God for her!  We had a nice evening with the normal routine, my favorite supper, puzzling, and even a game of ten thousand before Sarah went home.  

I do feel some peace in my heart being here.  I was nervous about it being the first time without Ricky being there since he passed, but it hasn't hit me yet, if it will even do so these next couple of days.  We all miss Jacob, but I am where I need to be at this time.

busy wednesday

I've dreaded today for a while.  The first therapy visit since birth, and well, since Ricky died.  I don't want to talk through this stuff with anyone else just yet.  I just want to manage through the days that keep coming.  That said, I didn't have a choice and Mom was in my ear that I had to go.

It wasn't that bad.  I blindsided my therapist with the birth was fine, I am fine from that, but my brother passed away 5 days prior to the birth.  I think it was like a whammy had just been dropped in her lap.  She didn't know what to say, which was fine with me because then I didn't have to respond.  I wish there was a way for a therapist to just tell me how to help myself verses going through all of the emotions and reliving everything.  I do understand, though, that talking about it is part of the process and there is no step by step way to get through grief. 

I told her I felt numb or frozen to everything.  However, when I said that I forgot how much this hurts, she said I am definitely not numb.  She suggested we meet again soon and I said three weeks.  In the background, mom held out two fingers.  So, the week of Thanksgiving, I have another session set.  In all honesty, though, I feel no postpartum depression.  I think all my feelings are stemming from Ricky's untimely death.  I am so damned happy for Bethany and Phillip, however, it is hard to feel that happiness.  I in no way want Makenna to be mine - she is exactly where she needs to be. 

We ended the call with another appointment set for November 22nd.  Ugh - I tried to go three weeks, but Mom was yelling two in the background and the therapist agreed.

We were all set for dance class and ninja monkeys and our dear friend Adrienne brought us supper.  Listening to my Mom and Adrienne talk was so cathartic to me.  I loved that they could chat, especially about God and the bible and I just listened.  I didn't want Adrienne to leave, but we had lots going on for the evening.  In addition, Adrienne brought over a delicious meal of steak, potatoes, and asparagus - exactly what Jacob had in mind.  I think we were all thrilled with the supper!

I checked my email on a whim and noticed that dance class was cancelled due to a power outage.  Of course.  Poor Meade looks so forward to dance, I immediately went in the other room to see if a close nail salon could fit us in for manicures.  That way we could divert Meade's attention with something special.  It was really nice to go and do that.  Meade picked the colors for all three of us.  I kind of wish I got the one that Mom got, but all was perfect.

Finally, the day was coming to an end and we came home and ate every bite of supper with so much gratitude.  Sometimes it is hard to get through the days, but I have to remember to be thankful for all I've still got in this world.

distractions

I'm downstairs listening to Granny read to the children.  Gregory is doing so well reading on his own, but sometimes getting him to do so is a feat.  Granny bribes them with M&Ms to read sometimes.  I look the other way because I want them to learn to love to read.  

It has been an okay day.  Mom and I went to the grocery store early and grabbed a few random items and also gift cards for Gregory's soccer coach's end of the year gift.  I am glad that I am heading up that effort.  I ordered a nice print from etsy last night and a frame from amazon to put it in.  I'll get the team to sign their names on the matting.  

Mom was a rock star getting several more thank you notes in the mail.  It has gotten to the point that all of the ones she has left, she physically needs to do.  I have finished mine for now, but more and more come in each day in which I need to acknowledge.  

I felt the need to reach out to a couple of friends that I saw last night - I feel so rude.  It is really strange, but it is easier for me to talk to people I don't really know at this time.  I can usually keep my composure with them.  When people I know want to chat, I lose my shit quickly, so I don't engage at all.  I know, it is not the best technique, but what I have to do for right now.  Our friends were so kind and understanding when I simply apologized.  They went further to say that they were hurting for me, not hurt by me.  That resonates and makes me feel a tad better.  I do, though, feel like an awful friend.

On the way to grab the kids, I finally connected with our nurse, Kim from Shady Grove.  Her colleague is a friend of mine on facebook (we realized this over the summer).  My friend had reached out to her to let her know of Ricky's death and also the birth of Makenna.  Kim was beyond kind and sweet, saying all the right things when prefacing it with the fact that she had no words to address our last couple of weeks.

I took the kids over to the the church to play so that mom could meet via telephone with her psychiatrist - she really needs to address what is going on and make sure that her meds are right at this time.  It was good to have some time to just think out in the nature with the kids happy yelling around me.  

VCU follow up

I think I've probably stated this but I am less than satisfied with VCU when it comes to anything beyond direct care (which is most wonderful).  Well, today is no different.  I had a surgery follow up this morning with an NP that I had never met before.  It was virtual.  How can a surgery follow up be virtual?  Don't you want to look at the incision?

Well, it was ten minutes after the scheduled time and still no call or text to join any appointment.  I sent messages via the portal and just waited.  Eventually, an NP called. She was very nice, but had no idea the situation.  She kept asking me questions about breastfeeding, the baby, etc.  I finally had to stop her and tell her that I am not the baby's mother.  This took her back.  I told her how frustrating it is that all providers have electronic medical records yet no one reads them and just assumes they know what they're talking about.

The poor NP was so apologetic.  While she asked about the incision, I told her that I am not the one to make the determination that it is doing well or not.  I don't understand why this is a virtual visit.  She mentioned that since COVID, most people didn't want to come out in public with a new baby.  That was not my situation and I prefer to have the proper care regardless.  She understood.  She then asked several questions about my mood, which I answered honestly.  She was leaning into postpartum depression to which I feel like I screamed out of frustration - NO MY BROTHER JUST DIED!  I mean, that was in my chart, too.

I felt bad for how I was treating her, but the frustration was getting the best of me.  She couldn't have been any nicer, though.  She suggested I get on the calendar to see Dr. C to look at the incision to which I was thankful for.  She let me know that someone would be reaching out to schedule something.  We all know how scheduling goes - wonder if I will even get that call?

Mom and I worked on what feels like thousands of thank you notes the rest of the morning.  It was nice that Meade was back in school!  

This afternoon, before soccer practice, we took Gregory in for his first COVID shot.  He had no idea what was going on.  The local school had it set up like clockwork!  Until we got into the area where shots were being directly given and Gregory was in the chair, he had no idea what was going on.  He absolutely lost it.  Jacob held him down and the shot was finally administered.  

We sat and waited with some friends before heading to soccer.  Jacob engaged, but I didn't.  I couldn't.  Things are just too tough for me right now and I don't want to be a blubbering mess.  I hope that our friend understands.  

Off to soccer we went and it was nice to chat with moms I don't know well.  For some reason, I can hold my composure so much better when people aren't aware of anything.  It helps me to forget a little, too.  I said I would facilitate a coach gift, which gives me something else to focus on right now.  The friend from the COVID shot, her husband, came up to me at practice and I again was very short and not engaging. Ugh, I feel awful about it, but I don't know how else to approach things right now.

One day things will be better and life will be joyful again.

a perfect family

I got a "sneak peek" at some family photos that Bethany and Phillip had taken.  I am in awe.  This is the reason I began the journey to help them.  Look at this most beautiful family!  No one can ever take this gesture away from me and while it still doesn't feel like I was a part of it, I am thrilled that I was able to help.

Bethany looks amazing and poor Phillip, so happy, looks utterly exhausted.  Welcome to parenthood, my friends!

all the family

Today was a big day and I am utterly exhausted.  It started with a trip with the kids to Target.  What was I thinking?  Oh, I wanted them to pick out some special things for Sarah for her birthday later this week.  I am not the target type - at all!  So, my children very rarely go there.  It was so funny to see Meade in awe, squealing that it was the best place ever.  

Since they have been going through the motions with us, I said that they could each get a toy that was under five dollars.  Hah - that was a feat.  I think I spent almost $40 on two things - one for each of them.  It took forever for each of them to pick out what they wanted and I was beyond over it.  Finally, I let Gregory go in the boy aisle and was with Meade in the girl aisle.  Bad idea.  I don't think about kids stealing children or anything of the sort, so when I went looking for Gregory, I got a little worried.  A couple of different gentleman both pointed to aisles WAY far down from where we were.  There are definitely still good people in this world!

While the trip to Target wasn't necessarily fun for me.  It warmed my heart to see the kids so excited to pick out items for Sarah.  The fact that they really think about what she may want (but also what they like) is sweet.

Jacob's uncle from Florida is in town and Nana was planning to get us all together for lunch.  Jacob decided that he would prefer to host at our house, which makes sense for the room aspect as well as letting the kids be kids down in the basement so that the adults could have time without the constant chaos that always ensues.

Jacob and I tag teamed cleaning in the house.  I couldn't do too much, but I tried to tidy up the main floor and vacuum.  Jacob also worked on the yard.

Nana and her beau were here early to set up.  They literally brought everything.  I didn't have to lift a finger.  I felt bad that she had to do all of that - it was like she packed her entire kitchen on top of all of the food.  Anything to make Jacob happy right now.  It was good to have that floor separation with the kids, though.

The visit was wonderful as was the simple food that Nana brought.  It was so nice to catch up with Uncle Jack and learn about his new routine in Florida.  I think it is so awesome that he volunteers with a horse stable that caters to special needs kids at certain times.  Uncle Jack walks around the horses with those children and is able to see them light up in that environment.  It must be so rewarding.

As we sat around and chatted, it was funny because people often rolled their eyes at Jacob.  Nana asked how I dealt with him and some of the crazy things he says.  I told her that I used to argue with him, but now I just sit back and say nothing.  She told us of something she and others had said in the past - "TSTR."  When I inquired, it is apparently, too stupid to respond.  I like that and feel as if that is how I often approach some of these conversations.

Nana did most all of the clean up, too.  When it was time for everyone to depart, my cousins, Christopher and Angie arrived with supper.  A delicious baked ziti, salad, rolls, and rainbow cookies for the children.  Even as adults, we love the Ukrop's rainbow cookies.  They were only here a few minutes, but my parents and Sarah showed up in time to see them.  It was good for us all to catch up a little bit.  I am so glad that Mom is back for the next week.  If only Dad and Sarah could stay, too.

We had a nice supper thanks to my cousin and his wife.  Mom and Dad made ice cream pies and we sang happy birthday to both me and Sarah, a little surprise for her.  Gregory was beyond excited to present her with her bag of presents.  I think she liked most of it!  Nothing like letting young children pick everything out!

So, big day in these parts.  Mom and I looked at the calendar for the week and now we are headed off to bed to hopefully get some rest.

normal saturday

Well, what is "normal" anymore?  I don't know.  Without Mom, we tried to find some normalcy in our day.  Gregory had a soccer game this morning and so we went as a family.  I am slow walking out to the field, but it was good to get out.  If only the sun was shining.  It was freezing out there with the wind.  Gregory was a jackass on the field - not paying attention and when he was, he wasn't hustling.  I think all of the kids were a little off because of the chill.

I ended up taking a long nap on the couch and Jacob did everything with the children - thank goodness for him.  My body is still pretty sore, but I don't have to take the pain meds around the clock anymore, which is nice.  

This evening, a family friend and now colleague, dropped off supper to us from a local BBQ joint.  Jacob was so happy to have some man food for supper.  I will tell you, nothing beats well seasoned (i.e. bacon) green beans!  I could have eaten the whole pint of those on my own.  It was really nice to see Sarah and get a hug from her.  Even though she delivered, the meal was provided by my team at work that I left in July.  While I'm no longer working directly with them, they remain great friends and now support to me.

As much as we needed a break, I miss my parents.  I want my Mom back.  I wish we could all be together.

tough day

Today has been rough for Mom and me.  I think that we both don't want to part ways this evening, but know that it is important.  We had made plans to meet Dad in Tappahannock so he didn't have to drive the full way here, yet, Mom called him crying early to say she needed to be home sooner.

Together, we have been crying a lot today.  It started when Mom helped Meade get her helmet off after taking Gregory to the bus stop and her neck got pinched.  Meade started crying so Mom followed suit.  Neither of us could get it together.  There was no fault by anyone, but we were just starting to feel the intensity of the last two weeks and the fact that we haven't even begun to process anything.

Of course, Dad didn't realize the need to get here ASAP, but instead took his time and got here early afternoon.  Poor mom was struggling the entire morning.  We got through Meade's Zoom calls just barely and continued to wait.  

It is good we are expressing our emotions, for sure.  I think the weekend away from each other will be good for both of us.  She and Dad need time together.  I need time with Jacob.  I am looking forward to when she comes back Sunday, though.  

zooming through

Since Meade's class is on quarantine, we have had the pleasure of introducing Zoom to her for two different half hours this morning.  It hasn't been fun for us, but she has enjoyed both circle time with her friends as well as story time.  Story time was nostalgic as they read Goodnight Moon.  

Once this was over, my dad's cousin that lives down the road stopped by.  Sue is the nicest person you'll ever meet!  She came bearing tons of gifts - coloring stuff and games for the children, the softest throw blanket for me and even a gift for baby Makenna.  The time we spent with Sue talking about our family was just what the doctor ordered.  

Mom and I are doing our best to be strong for one another.  We have our moments, but that is to be expected.  My boobs are still excruciatingly sore - I sure hope that this gets resolved soon.  The nurse did call back and I was less than pleased.  Apparently, Dr. C does not believe that there is a medicine that will help the milk dry up and I just have to keep doing tylenol and motrin for the pain.  I got pissed with the nurse and when she didn't understand, I even used the f word.  Goodness, I had no idea of this pain and I just need some relief.  I was somewhat embarrassed by my language, but on the other hand, it shouldn't take 24 hours to get word that there is nothing that can be done.

This evening, Steve and Cheryl brought more suppers.  We had a delicious Tuscan Shrimp dish that was amazing.  We also froze a crockpot chicken dish that we can take out of the freezer in the future.  Our time with them was really nice as well.  They are so generous to us!  They even reminded us that when I am feeling better, they really want to come over and watch the children so we can go out to supper, just Jacob and me.  

My emotions are still at bay.  I know there is so much to process, but I fear that if things don't start happening, I am going to break one day.  The good thing is that I don't really feel any postpartum blues.  I didn't expect to, but all of this is new territory for me.  I must be thankful for that, for sure.

a frozen heart

There's no way to explain how conflicted I am right now.  I have experienced the lowest of the lows and the highest of the highs over the past week and I still can't feel either of them yet.  All I can think is that my heart is frozen.  Maybe one day it will thaw?

As I got up to pee last night before Jacob came to bed, I saw the children both in my bed, sleeping peacefully. That provided me some comfort and a smile.  It was as if I could feel some emotions, but the ones I wanted to feel were eluding me.

Dad and Sarah came this morning, but couldn't stay too late this afternoon because it is his monthly poker night with his buddies out in the Northern Neck.  The best part of the day was that Bethany, Phillip and Makenna were going to stop by for a little bit, too.  Oh, I couldn't wait for Daddy to meet Makenna.  His heart is going to be so full.

When the new little family arrived, we welcomed them into our sun room, which we hadn't used yet since being in this new house.  The heat was on and it was a perfect spot to be together.  Dad held Makenna first.  Seeing him with her, watching tears stream down his face, melted my heart a little.  I was thankful for that and also shed a few tears.  

The children were able to see the baby for the first time and while Gregory was fine to be on his way, Meade was in love, trying to touch her all over.  They were wearing masks and only allowed to touch her feet for now.  I love how sweet and protective Meade is being, but I also love how Bethany and Phillip are standing their ground with Meade, when she gets too close or tries to touch Makenna not on her socks.  

I couldn't have asked for a better visit.  It was heartwarming and I think did all of us a lot of good.  It meant so much that Bethany and Phillip were comfortable coming over here with a five day old to say hi and bring us so much joy.

This evening, both of the children had their activities - Meade goes to dance class and Gregory has Ninja Monkeys.  Our friend, Lindsay, picked up mom and Meade so that they could together go to dance without either of us driving.  It was nice to have a few minutes to myself and I laid down on the coach for about 45 minutes.  I think I needed that.  Mom enjoyed watching Meade dance, too, so it was a win for us all.

all the help

None of this would be possible without the constant help and support from others.  The past two days have been tough physically and emotionally, but thanks to Nana and Aunt Shug here to help me and Mom, they have been bearable.  

Never once have I felt like I had to be up and on top of things.  Everyone else just took care of everything.  We are continuing to get flowers, meals, etc. and it is nice to not have to be there to greet everyone.  Sunday, Dad and Sarah had brought the collage that my cousin's wife, Angie, had made for the funeral home.  I am delighted and sad at the same time when I peek at that each time walking through the kitchen.  It is perfect and so sweet.  I love it.

Physically, today has been rough.  I woke up with two bowling balls on my chest.  It was hard to breathe and I wasn't sure what was going on until I rolled over and realized that those bowling balls were my boobs.  My milk had never really come in with my two so this was new territory for me.  Aunt Shug came around 11 and we asked her to grab cabbage for me to put in my bra.  I will do anything at this point.

I also called Dr. C and left a message to see if I could get the prescription to help dry up the milk.  On top of the boobs being engorged, tight, and unbearably sore, the ducts that I have had in my arm pits the entire pregnancy are the same.  They are awful.  It hurts so bad to put deodorant on.  In looking at them, they are so tight and rigid.  It is hard to explain.  I am thankful I haven't had to deal with this before and feel for all the other moms that have.  What a disaster!  I am hoping that the nurse calls back with that prescription soon.  

Aunt Shug drove me over to vote.  While it wasn't super painful, I was just slow and we told them that I had just had surgery so I would move a little slower than normal.  Everyone was fine with it.  Mr. Bruce and Ms. Sue, our across the street neighbors that actually know Uncle Bobby from coaching days and then we realized graduated from Bridgewater with Nana and Mr. Tulli, are bringing over a pizza for supper tonight.  

I know I have said it before, but our village is the best.  It continues to widen and we couldn't be more appreciative for all of the love provided in addition to everything else.