I swear the "i'll give a shit later" box does help me. Within a few hours, the attorney had responded that she doesn't want any money up front but that everything will be discussed during our consult next week. She was very nice and I think was understanding in the fact that I just need knowledge as we continue to go down this path.
Looking forward to our consult next week!
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
i'll give a shit later
Things are continuing to progress nicely. I got word from the nurse yesterday that I needed to call the pharmacy to schedule my medications. Everything is scheduled to be delivered Thursday! Crazy! We still have to wait for my cycle to start these, but we are on track! Because things are moving along, we need to get on the books with an attorney.
I have been told by several people in Richmond that I need to retain a specific lawyer here that focuses on surrogacy and assisted reproduction. She has been so kind and has answered many questions via phone and offered her assistant to speak to me further on other items. Yesterday I finally reached out to say we are ready to schedule. With that email, I also asked several questions. I mean, it wouldn't be in Julia Meade fashion if I didn't have millions of questions because I refuse to go into something not knowing.
I have been told by several people in Richmond that I need to retain a specific lawyer here that focuses on surrogacy and assisted reproduction. She has been so kind and has answered many questions via phone and offered her assistant to speak to me further on other items. Yesterday I finally reached out to say we are ready to schedule. With that email, I also asked several questions. I mean, it wouldn't be in Julia Meade fashion if I didn't have millions of questions because I refuse to go into something not knowing.
This morning I woke up to a very direct, somewhat harsh email from the attorney. There were some items that I was misunderstood on from my notes way back when and I was happy to apologize. Regardless, it set me back a little bit. Now that I have gone to the gym and reflected a little bit, I realize she is still the best person to represent me. She is a lawyer, they are direct and harsh and lay it all on the table. This is what we need. I need to get over my feelings and remember why I need her. I guess what bothered me the most is that she mentioned that she has gone out of her way to guide us without retaining her yet plus she offers a discount for compassionate carrier arrangements.
While I am a pain in the ass and seek to understand everything, I get her point. Her time is valuable. Thus, I responded asking to schedule a consultation and offering to pay for an hour and a half of her normal billable rate in the meantime because she has been so kind and forthcoming. I guess even with that, I am still frustrated. So, that is where this little "i'll give a shit later" box comes in.
We all know I stew over stupid shit. So, I am writing this post and putting the email into my box because I am not going to let it ruin my day. I look forward to her response and getting a consultation on the books!
The paper is folded up and down the hatch it went! If you don't have one of these, I suggest making one PRONTO! Boy does it help me to have something tangible as I cannot always "let it be."
Sunday, December 29, 2019
bethany's words
Bethany recently shared a poem she had written last year this time on Facebook. I found it so telling and poignant that I felt we should all see it to get a very small glimpse into her and Phillip's hearts over the past several years:
A defeated mom tried with all her might
To tackle infertility, a seemingly endless fight.
At first it was hot flashes that led to devastating news,
"You can't bear your own children," this she would never choose.
"But there is help for women like you,
"Donated eggs are something to do."
Let's try this option, she said with cautious hope.
Maybe insurance will help, but that was a nope.
"It's not medically necessary for you to conceive,"
They said it so coldly this she could hardly believe.
For weeks thereafter she fell apart.
She couldn't imagine how to start.
But then came hope from Shady Grove.
Their shared risk program was a treasure trove.
"You're in good health to carry a baby,"
They sounded so sure, there was no "maybe."
So she mustered the strength to tackle their list.
Procedures, appointments, you get the jist.
The first mock cycle was the worst.
Pumped full of hormones she had a mental burst.
911 was called and an ambulance came.
But it was a panic attack, she realized in shame.
Then came a blow, she wasn't prepared
"You have some fluid, so the risk can't be shared."
One round was possible so they invested away.
Their donor was picked, now it was time to pray.
Their first transfer was approaching, finally, at last.
But five days before, it was cancelled so fast.
"We can't move forward, your body isn't excelling,
Let's do a painful biopsy, the results will be telling."
The results took three weeks to be received,
But the doctor was happy, they were relieved.
Then came the unfreezing of their eggs, there were ten.
But only two made it, bad news once again.
Out of those two, neither fully matured
But the doctor said to move on, they were assured.
Finally came the day to have their one chance
They would regret it if they didn't, was their stance.
The doctor carefully placed the "bros "in her womb,
Fingers were crossed in hopes they would bloom.
Two grueling weeks went by so slow
No exercise, no alcohol, no coffee, lay low.
Then came the call at two fifteen December third
Neither embryo made it that had been transferred.
"I wanted this for you" said the nurse sadly
They now knew it was over, it hurt so badly.
Thousands of dollars were lost and so was hope,
How would they ever recover, move forward and cope?
With a heart full of dread, the mom sat in defeat.
Their journey with treatments, was sadly complete.
She'll never experience pregnancy and all its glory
Her husband will never read her belly a good night story.
No singing to a tummy, growing with pride
No holding her husband's hand by her bed side
No delivery, no amazement as they hear the first cry
No staring at their baby their hearts on a high.
But love and support has helped them make it through
One day they will have a family, this she knows to be true.
So even though this chapter is closed with grief
There's a child out there for them, this is their hopeful belief.
Defeated no more. Together we've got this!
A defeated mom tried with all her might
To tackle infertility, a seemingly endless fight.
At first it was hot flashes that led to devastating news,
"You can't bear your own children," this she would never choose.
"But there is help for women like you,
"Donated eggs are something to do."
Let's try this option, she said with cautious hope.
Maybe insurance will help, but that was a nope.
"It's not medically necessary for you to conceive,"
They said it so coldly this she could hardly believe.
For weeks thereafter she fell apart.
She couldn't imagine how to start.
But then came hope from Shady Grove.
Their shared risk program was a treasure trove.
"You're in good health to carry a baby,"
They sounded so sure, there was no "maybe."
So she mustered the strength to tackle their list.
Procedures, appointments, you get the jist.
The first mock cycle was the worst.
Pumped full of hormones she had a mental burst.
911 was called and an ambulance came.
But it was a panic attack, she realized in shame.
Then came a blow, she wasn't prepared
"You have some fluid, so the risk can't be shared."
One round was possible so they invested away.
Their donor was picked, now it was time to pray.
Their first transfer was approaching, finally, at last.
But five days before, it was cancelled so fast.
"We can't move forward, your body isn't excelling,
Let's do a painful biopsy, the results will be telling."
The results took three weeks to be received,
But the doctor was happy, they were relieved.
Then came the unfreezing of their eggs, there were ten.
But only two made it, bad news once again.
Out of those two, neither fully matured
But the doctor said to move on, they were assured.
Finally came the day to have their one chance
They would regret it if they didn't, was their stance.
The doctor carefully placed the "bros "in her womb,
Fingers were crossed in hopes they would bloom.
Two grueling weeks went by so slow
No exercise, no alcohol, no coffee, lay low.
Then came the call at two fifteen December third
Neither embryo made it that had been transferred.
"I wanted this for you" said the nurse sadly
They now knew it was over, it hurt so badly.
Thousands of dollars were lost and so was hope,
How would they ever recover, move forward and cope?
With a heart full of dread, the mom sat in defeat.
Their journey with treatments, was sadly complete.
She'll never experience pregnancy and all its glory
Her husband will never read her belly a good night story.
No singing to a tummy, growing with pride
No holding her husband's hand by her bed side
No delivery, no amazement as they hear the first cry
No staring at their baby their hearts on a high.
But love and support has helped them make it through
One day they will have a family, this she knows to be true.
So even though this chapter is closed with grief
There's a child out there for them, this is their hopeful belief.
Defeated no more. Together we've got this!
Thursday, December 26, 2019
how can you help?
We all need a little help here and there. I imagine there is not one of us that have had a life of perfection and/or times when we weren't in need. Whether those needs are emotional, physical, or financial, we have all struggled. While I don't ever like to ask as I am severely independent, I know that we all can be assisted throughout the next year. How can you help us on this journey?
Pray. The most important thing is prayers. Pray for strength for all of us. Talk to the big Man about our journey and ask that he watch over us and let it continue to go smoothly. We know this is His doing, but we are doing everything in our power to ensure we are honoring Him in the process. Pray that each step of the way allows for the next, continuing our journey to a sweet little baby. Pray for my body that everything works well and creates a viable pregnancy. Pray for Bethany and Phillip that they continue to feel peace with the journey and that they can be with us throughout the pregnancy as much or as little as they wish. Pray for Jacob. Jacob is my number one support and knows that carrying isn't super easy. He often takes the brunt of it. Pray that Gregory and Meade will be understanding of the baby in my belly and that it is Aunt Bethany and Uncle Phillip's baby. Pray that throughout the time we are pregnant that they are able to educate others, nothing gets to the point better than toddlers! Pray for all of our parents. Every single one of them worries about our health, the journey, potential further devastation, and a healthy baby. Pray for the rest of our families. This isn't easy on anyone but sure is bringing us closer together by the day. Pray that we understand and find solace in each step, regardless of how easy or difficult it may be. Pray for the physicians, clinicians, and medical teams supporting each of us. This may be their daily environment, but no one IVF treatment, body, pregnancy, or well-being of us all is one in the same. Lastly, pray for our patience and trust in Him.
Support. Offer kind words. Check in for no reason. To feel loved and appreciated is one thing that will give us all strength throughout the next year (and hopefully by that time, our journey will be complete). Send positive thoughts without reaching out - we will feel them, I promise. Listen - we may have good days and bad days. Some days we might just need someone to talk it over with. Don't offer suggestions, but be attentive and supportive regardless of the good, the bad, or the ugly. Find ways to advocate for others that may be in similar situations. Have you known someone else that has gone through their own IVF/surrogacy journey? Offer to make those connections. One thing that helps me most is listening to others that have walked these steps before me.
Donate. If you are in a spot in your life where you have a little extra disposable income, be willing to share with Phillip and Bethany. None of this is cheap. Last year, when their hope of a family with genetic DNA was no longer, Phillip and Bethany still had to come to the realization that they were out probably over $40K. How could they even try again knowing the expenses are so high? While I am not accepting any payment for my part in this, the entire process will still cost them well over $50K. Bethany and Phillip's dear friends set up an account to help them ease some of the financial stress. I am so happy to say that over in just a few days, almost $7K has been raised. How amazing is that? Together, I know there are plenty more people out there willing to pass along a little help, they just have to be aware of the journey. Here is their GoFundMe account. Donate and/or share as you can and see fit. All I ask is that I am not identified as their carrier just yet. Now is not the right time, but it will be soon enough.
As I said, I struggle to ask, but after seeing my grandfather on Christmas Eve, with tears in his eyes and a huge smile on his face, write a check to Bethany and Phillip for one thousand dollars I realized that others do want to help and sometimes providing a financial gift is the easiest for them. One. Thousand. Dollars. Just think, if we all chipped in a little, the financial pressure of it all can be eased considerably. Maybe you have gone through something similar and want to help them? Maybe you had no struggles creating your own family but couldn't imagine facing the roller coaster they have been on for five years? Maybe you just have a generous heart and the financial means to give something - no amount is too little.
If you're anything like me, giving is far better than receiving. At the end of this, with all of your prayers, support, and donations, I cannot wait to give Bethany and Phillip their sweet, sweet bundle of joy, made possible by all of you.
Pray. The most important thing is prayers. Pray for strength for all of us. Talk to the big Man about our journey and ask that he watch over us and let it continue to go smoothly. We know this is His doing, but we are doing everything in our power to ensure we are honoring Him in the process. Pray that each step of the way allows for the next, continuing our journey to a sweet little baby. Pray for my body that everything works well and creates a viable pregnancy. Pray for Bethany and Phillip that they continue to feel peace with the journey and that they can be with us throughout the pregnancy as much or as little as they wish. Pray for Jacob. Jacob is my number one support and knows that carrying isn't super easy. He often takes the brunt of it. Pray that Gregory and Meade will be understanding of the baby in my belly and that it is Aunt Bethany and Uncle Phillip's baby. Pray that throughout the time we are pregnant that they are able to educate others, nothing gets to the point better than toddlers! Pray for all of our parents. Every single one of them worries about our health, the journey, potential further devastation, and a healthy baby. Pray for the rest of our families. This isn't easy on anyone but sure is bringing us closer together by the day. Pray that we understand and find solace in each step, regardless of how easy or difficult it may be. Pray for the physicians, clinicians, and medical teams supporting each of us. This may be their daily environment, but no one IVF treatment, body, pregnancy, or well-being of us all is one in the same. Lastly, pray for our patience and trust in Him.
Support. Offer kind words. Check in for no reason. To feel loved and appreciated is one thing that will give us all strength throughout the next year (and hopefully by that time, our journey will be complete). Send positive thoughts without reaching out - we will feel them, I promise. Listen - we may have good days and bad days. Some days we might just need someone to talk it over with. Don't offer suggestions, but be attentive and supportive regardless of the good, the bad, or the ugly. Find ways to advocate for others that may be in similar situations. Have you known someone else that has gone through their own IVF/surrogacy journey? Offer to make those connections. One thing that helps me most is listening to others that have walked these steps before me.
Donate. If you are in a spot in your life where you have a little extra disposable income, be willing to share with Phillip and Bethany. None of this is cheap. Last year, when their hope of a family with genetic DNA was no longer, Phillip and Bethany still had to come to the realization that they were out probably over $40K. How could they even try again knowing the expenses are so high? While I am not accepting any payment for my part in this, the entire process will still cost them well over $50K. Bethany and Phillip's dear friends set up an account to help them ease some of the financial stress. I am so happy to say that over in just a few days, almost $7K has been raised. How amazing is that? Together, I know there are plenty more people out there willing to pass along a little help, they just have to be aware of the journey. Here is their GoFundMe account. Donate and/or share as you can and see fit. All I ask is that I am not identified as their carrier just yet. Now is not the right time, but it will be soon enough.
As I said, I struggle to ask, but after seeing my grandfather on Christmas Eve, with tears in his eyes and a huge smile on his face, write a check to Bethany and Phillip for one thousand dollars I realized that others do want to help and sometimes providing a financial gift is the easiest for them. One. Thousand. Dollars. Just think, if we all chipped in a little, the financial pressure of it all can be eased considerably. Maybe you have gone through something similar and want to help them? Maybe you had no struggles creating your own family but couldn't imagine facing the roller coaster they have been on for five years? Maybe you just have a generous heart and the financial means to give something - no amount is too little.
If you're anything like me, giving is far better than receiving. At the end of this, with all of your prayers, support, and donations, I cannot wait to give Bethany and Phillip their sweet, sweet bundle of joy, made possible by all of you.
Tuesday, December 24, 2019
christmas adam
When our family sat down with Bethany, Phillip, and Phillip's parents - David and Maria - several months ago, they suggested we come to their "Christmas Adam" party. I love parties so I was all in. Food for thought - because Adam comes before Eve and Christmas Eve is the 24th, their party is always held on the 23rd.
Jacob and I had discussed getting a sitter, but instead he opted to stay home. This week is a busy week without a new party to start it off and if it could help Jacob make it through the rest of the festivities to rest at home, I totally understood.
A new event, one that we were going to openly share our journey...I was definitely nervous but more excited. I didn't think I would know anyone other than Bethany, Phillip and their parents. I showed up to their beautiful home and had such a warm welcome. Family members I had never met before shared the best hugs with me! Before I could get through the foyer, an old, dear friend walked up the steps with her beautiful family. Sarah and I worked together many moons ago and I always adored her. We probably hadn't seen each other in ten plus years! She was just as sweet as ever and it turns out she is David and Maria's next door neighbor - small, small world.
So, I spent the evening meeting tons of new people, eating delicious food, learning the traditions of the party, sharing the story of our journey, and being welcomed by everyone. I parted with a heart so full. Everyone there was as lovely as they could be. The ones that knew that I was going to be their gestational carrier vowed their positive thoughts and prayers throughout the rest of the journey. Many of us shared how we couldn't wait until next year's party when there would hopefully be a sweet baby to love on. The entire experience was one that I never could have expected. It was simply amazing. The love and beauty in their home was overwhelming. My heart is happy and I know that we are on this journey with so much more support than I ever could have imagined!
Jacob and I had discussed getting a sitter, but instead he opted to stay home. This week is a busy week without a new party to start it off and if it could help Jacob make it through the rest of the festivities to rest at home, I totally understood.A new event, one that we were going to openly share our journey...I was definitely nervous but more excited. I didn't think I would know anyone other than Bethany, Phillip and their parents. I showed up to their beautiful home and had such a warm welcome. Family members I had never met before shared the best hugs with me! Before I could get through the foyer, an old, dear friend walked up the steps with her beautiful family. Sarah and I worked together many moons ago and I always adored her. We probably hadn't seen each other in ten plus years! She was just as sweet as ever and it turns out she is David and Maria's next door neighbor - small, small world.
So, I spent the evening meeting tons of new people, eating delicious food, learning the traditions of the party, sharing the story of our journey, and being welcomed by everyone. I parted with a heart so full. Everyone there was as lovely as they could be. The ones that knew that I was going to be their gestational carrier vowed their positive thoughts and prayers throughout the rest of the journey. Many of us shared how we couldn't wait until next year's party when there would hopefully be a sweet baby to love on. The entire experience was one that I never could have expected. It was simply amazing. The love and beauty in their home was overwhelming. My heart is happy and I know that we are on this journey with so much more support than I ever could have imagined!
it's verified - i'm not THAT crazy
I got a call today from Laura, the psychologist. She prefaced the call that everything is good to go, however, there were some concerning questions/answers we needed to go over. Uh oh, what does that mean? She did say everything was fine, but man my head was going a mile a minute!
Laura explained that the 567 question, true/false test came out good and was consistent but there were a few outliers. This is normal as one can easily fill in the incorrect bubble. Who wouldn't fuck up a few times on 567 damn questions? Regardless, she needed to go through those items for me to explain better. Some of this is kind of comical, so I thought I would share those answers that I provided that didn't jive with what Laura considers "normal."
Laura explained that the 567 question, true/false test came out good and was consistent but there were a few outliers. This is normal as one can easily fill in the incorrect bubble. Who wouldn't fuck up a few times on 567 damn questions? Regardless, she needed to go through those items for me to explain better. Some of this is kind of comical, so I thought I would share those answers that I provided that didn't jive with what Laura considers "normal."
- You are a high strung person. TRUE. Is that true? Um, yes, of course it is! I definitely don't sit still. I am determined beyond belief. I have a hard time relaxing. I work a little bit better under pressure. So, yes, I do consider myself high strung.
- You often go to sleep at night with thoughts that bother you. TRUE. Well, clearly here, I answered this incorrectly. There is no explanation other than I filled in the wrong bubble.
- I see animals, people, and other things that other people do not see. TRUE. Here again, I completely shaded the wrong bubble. It is destined to happen with 567 freaking questions! Life might be more interesting if this were true, but I guess I am thankful it is not.
- I feel that strangers have looked at me and judged me. TRUE. Absolutely, and unfortunately, we live in a very very judgmental world. As sad as it is, I have definitely felt that way. Being obese my entire life, I have often felt this way. Now, as a mother, I think that people judge my parenting. Let them all judge - everyone does things differently and while it may not be best for one person, it might be for another. But, yes, this is totally true.
- In school, I was sent to the principal's office. TRUE. Who hasn't? While I may have been the trophy child, I am also very stubborn and determined. When Laura asked why I was sent to the office, I told about the first and the last times: In kindergarten I was sent because I was dancing on the table during nap time. As a senior, I was sent because I refused to put my SSN on some stupid survey one of the teachers was doing for another organization. There were many, many other times in between, but who cares?!
- I do not blame people for trying to get all they can. TRUE. Why would I blame others for getting all they can? I strive to be and get all I can out of life. Isn't that what we all should do? There is a distinct difference in getting what you can and taking advantage. I do blame others for taking advantage, but that is not what this question was asking.
- I have been in trouble with the law. TRUE. Embarrassingly, yes, this is true. I got a DUI several years ago, in one of my worst phases of life. Laura didn't have an issue because we had already discussed the awful time in life as well as the DUI.
- I have had fainting spells. TRUE. Yep, here again, I have fainted. In college, I went through a couple of years where I probably fainted half a dozen times. There was never any consistency or reasoning that the doctors could explain. Thankfully, I have not had this issue since that time in my life.
- I am easily awakened by noise. TRUE. Strange question, but I am a light sleeper. Not sure why this would be an outlier, but whatever.
These were the ones that Laura wanted to discuss. What I learned from this is that every question is truly up for to the takers' interpretation. Who knows how many I actually filled out wrong on my end but were what the "experts" wanted to hear? No one will ever know! ;) Once discussed, Laura found no issues. All is well and we will go back up to NoVA for our group counseling session next week!
Sunday, December 22, 2019
ready to ride
From an outsider's perspective, it is likely hard to understand all of the logistics that has to go into this. I was delightfully surprised when I opened email tonight to see contact from our nurse this past Friday. Here is a brief snippet of what the next steps are (aside from my MFM consultation, the remaining psychological sessions, executing legal agreements...I could go on and on):
I will call in the prescription for the Estrogen and Progesterone medication to a Fertility Specialty pharmacy called RARx. They will contact you to coordinate delivery of the medications to your house.
So, onto the next steps. One thing at a time. I will keep taking these steps as they come and so look forward to the end result later next year, if we are lucky enough to carry a sweet child without issue!
My name is Stephanie and I am the nurse who will
be working with you. I have been working with Bethany and Phillip for a while
and they are the sweetest couple. I understand all went well yesterday which
is wonderful.
Please let me know when your next menses
starts (full flow) and I will get you prepared for the medicated mock cycle.
You will need to have a baseline blood HCG (pregnancy test) done on day 2, 3
or 4 of menses prior to starting the mock cycle which consists of estrogen medication
for about 2 weeks followed by a blood work/ultrasound to measure the
endometrial thickness. How far do you live from the Richmond office? You may go
to this office for monitoring or any Shady Grove office that is convenient for
you.
Depending on the
results of the 2 weeks on estrogen medication you will be instructed to start
an oral form of Progesterone called Provera but I will give you instructions.I will call in the prescription for the Estrogen and Progesterone medication to a Fertility Specialty pharmacy called RARx. They will contact you to coordinate delivery of the medications to your house.
So, onto the next steps. One thing at a time. I will keep taking these steps as they come and so look forward to the end result later next year, if we are lucky enough to carry a sweet child without issue!
Friday, December 20, 2019
all strapped in
Our seat belts buckled and the bars down, we had no idea the twists and turns of the roller coaster we were on Thursday. I have tried to detail much of it, hold on for the ride...
The four of us (Bethany and Phillip, Jacob and me) walked into SGF early. We were on a time crunch between the appointments there in Arlington and Jacob and my appointments with the psychologist in DC that afternoon. Our clinical coordinator suggested we get there early and informed them of the time crunch we were on. The receptionist wasn't so nice and friendly, told us our appointments were at a different time than we had scheduled, but Bethany handled it like a champ even though I wanted to bark the lady's ear off.
Within minutes in the waiting area, I was taken to the lab. The sweetest phlebotomist, who does pretty much everything there, named Ann, got me on the first stick and I gave her the 7 (I think) vials of blood. Ann had mentioned they were expecting me and that everything would be fine. Blood drawn and pee sample given, it was back to the waiting room we went. Anne called me in again to get my weight. 205.7!!! Right where I thought I was and definitely shows everyone at Shady Grove the progress we are making!
It wasn't long before we were called back for the mock embryo transfer (MET). Bethany went in with me. I was pretty nervous, because these things can hurt. I hadn't taken motrin or anything as a precaution and the PA said I really didn't need it that the HSG would have hurt worse. They put a catheter through my cervix and into my uterus. I literally only felt the speculum they put in. When they said that it was in, I couldn't believe it. Bethany and I watched everything on the screen. They then put in the saline to open the uterus and get a better view. They showed where they could see my cesarean scars and pointed out that everything looks really good! She did an internal ultrasound and showed both of my ovaries, also great (not that they are needed for this). Thus, you can see our before and after shots!
Back to the waiting room we went before we were called back for the consultation with Dr. Nair. We were technically scheduled with her at 11, but had hoped to be called earlier due to our crazy day. We probably went back around 1050 and the four of us crowded into her office. She was such a lovely person. We went through all that we had discussed previously and even getting additional testing. Of course, with every additional test, there are additional costs. Dr. Nair was going to see if we could be candidates for a study being done to take care of those expenses. Should that work, we would definitely explore it further, although it could delay the overall timing of things, too. Dr. Nair was very positive about everything! We discussed all of the next steps, which if everything goes well, we can most likely do the transfer in the February/March time frame!!! We left her office all on a high. As Bethany had said, everything in their first IVF journey was speed bump after hurdle. With today's tests thus far, everything was perfect. Of course, I still had some weight to lose, but we were right on track! When I asked Dr. Nair what else I can do to prepare, she said just keep doing what I am doing to lose weight and not lose track of overall wellness. Sure thing!!
Into an uber and off to DC we go for the psych evaluation! Dr. Covington (Laura), the psychologist was very nice. She took me in for about an hour and a half by myself. Jacob went to grab a bite to eat and relax. There were really no questions that I hadn't already thought about or ones that weren't obvious to answer based on my history. Although it was a lot, it went like clockwork. I was ushered out and Jacob went in for about 20 minutes on his own. Laura came back out to get me and we discussed more together for about an hour. Every time I did a pulse check with Laura, she was very positive. There were no outright concerns that she could think of (or was willing to share with us). Once that part was done, Jacob was back out to the waiting room and I completed the MMPI, some personality inventory that consisted of 567 questions - yes 567! All questions were answered in True/False manner on a scantron sheet. Many questions were duplicates but asked differently, I suppose for consistency purposes. I think I finished in about an hour. During that time, Laura was in and out as she had said she needed to make some phone calls. When all was said and done, I again asked about how she felt and next steps. She mentioned that she should have the results of the testing next week and she would follow up at that time. While her response wasn't as positive as the earlier ones, I just assumed it was a formality and I confirmed that we did have our counseling session as a group of four on January 3rd. Before I left, I took a picture of this on her bookshelf. God must've known I was going to need to read it over and over and over.
As I was shaking her hand to leave, I got a phone call from a NoVA number that I did not know. I declined it and we walked out. The same number called again and I assumed it was our uber back, so I asked Jacob to answer it so I could say bye to Laura. Jacob was quick to say it was Dr. Nair and she needed to speak with me. Interesting? We had just discussed everything a little bit ago. I had to pee so bad so took her on the phone into the bathroom. She asked several detailed questions about my delivery with Gregory and why I was put under among other questions. She then said that she is doing due diligence to ensure that the Medical Director wouldn't have any issues. I proceeded to get a little shitty and said Dr. Nair, why would any of us have made the time for everything today if those questions (which we have already covered) could be show stoppers? She apologized and said she just had to cross all of the ts and dot all of the is. I understand, however, Bethany and Phillip have spent THOUSANDS of dollars on today's visits alone and this is not at all fair to any of us. Dr. Nair understood and said that if for some reason we were not able to proceed, SGF would find a way to credit Bethany and Phillip back.
I got off the phone feeling the lowest low after experiencing the highest highs throughout the day. What now? Should I get Bethany worried? I had to tell them, we have vowed to be open and honest through everything. Our four hour drive home was me stewing in my own mess and Jacob egging me on. Finally, I had to tell myself and Jacob that I couldn't talk about it anymore, thinking of all the buts and ifs, because my mind was making it worse. We finally got home around 9pm and profusely thanked my parents for picking up the kids and doing the evening routine with them before they headed back on the 1.5 hour drive home. We filled them in on everything and the frustration that the beautiful day ended on. Of course, they were supportive and hopeful it would all work out.
I was able to sleep, but woke up with the raw emotions of it all. I was scared and frustrated. I prayed and prayed. I knew God's plan was bigger than mine and he would guide is through it all regardless of the AWFUL uncertainty ahead. I went into the gym and only did one mile, but vowed to do more later in the day. I decided to check my e-mail to see if we had heard anything from our clinical coordinator. Low and behold, I had this message from her (from yesterday afternoon):
Even the clinical coordinator was on the same page as we were all day long (until we weren't). What went wrong and when?!? That's the question I kept asking myself.
Around 8am I got a call from Bethany that everything was just fine. She had just gotten off the phone with Dr. Nair who was very apologetic but had run my records by colleagues and we had no reason to worry. A new next step would be to have a consultation with a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor and have those notes sent to Dr. Nair. This is totally fine considering I had an MFM follow me through the last two pregnancies and I didn't mind at all. After all, if this is what we have to do, no worries. The relief I felt was awesome, but then it felt like I had the worst hangover ever. I took a nap and still woke up feeling like crap. I decided that I needed to take my mind off of everything so I called my parents and asked if I could bring the kids to visit. I told Bethany I was not going to get back in the gym and she was very supportive of that - I think we all just needed a mental break. So, I picked up the kids after lunch at school and headed to my parents house to see my aunt in from Florida and meet my cousin's child for the first time. It was a great evening and exactly what I needed.
I must say, writing this has me reliving all of those emotions, but I promised to give the good, the bad, and the ugly to those reading. This is not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but I am wholeheartedly in it for the long haul!
The four of us (Bethany and Phillip, Jacob and me) walked into SGF early. We were on a time crunch between the appointments there in Arlington and Jacob and my appointments with the psychologist in DC that afternoon. Our clinical coordinator suggested we get there early and informed them of the time crunch we were on. The receptionist wasn't so nice and friendly, told us our appointments were at a different time than we had scheduled, but Bethany handled it like a champ even though I wanted to bark the lady's ear off.
It wasn't long before we were called back for the mock embryo transfer (MET). Bethany went in with me. I was pretty nervous, because these things can hurt. I hadn't taken motrin or anything as a precaution and the PA said I really didn't need it that the HSG would have hurt worse. They put a catheter through my cervix and into my uterus. I literally only felt the speculum they put in. When they said that it was in, I couldn't believe it. Bethany and I watched everything on the screen. They then put in the saline to open the uterus and get a better view. They showed where they could see my cesarean scars and pointed out that everything looks really good! She did an internal ultrasound and showed both of my ovaries, also great (not that they are needed for this). Thus, you can see our before and after shots!Back to the waiting room we went before we were called back for the consultation with Dr. Nair. We were technically scheduled with her at 11, but had hoped to be called earlier due to our crazy day. We probably went back around 1050 and the four of us crowded into her office. She was such a lovely person. We went through all that we had discussed previously and even getting additional testing. Of course, with every additional test, there are additional costs. Dr. Nair was going to see if we could be candidates for a study being done to take care of those expenses. Should that work, we would definitely explore it further, although it could delay the overall timing of things, too. Dr. Nair was very positive about everything! We discussed all of the next steps, which if everything goes well, we can most likely do the transfer in the February/March time frame!!! We left her office all on a high. As Bethany had said, everything in their first IVF journey was speed bump after hurdle. With today's tests thus far, everything was perfect. Of course, I still had some weight to lose, but we were right on track! When I asked Dr. Nair what else I can do to prepare, she said just keep doing what I am doing to lose weight and not lose track of overall wellness. Sure thing!!
Into an uber and off to DC we go for the psych evaluation! Dr. Covington (Laura), the psychologist was very nice. She took me in for about an hour and a half by myself. Jacob went to grab a bite to eat and relax. There were really no questions that I hadn't already thought about or ones that weren't obvious to answer based on my history. Although it was a lot, it went like clockwork. I was ushered out and Jacob went in for about 20 minutes on his own. Laura came back out to get me and we discussed more together for about an hour. Every time I did a pulse check with Laura, she was very positive. There were no outright concerns that she could think of (or was willing to share with us). Once that part was done, Jacob was back out to the waiting room and I completed the MMPI, some personality inventory that consisted of 567 questions - yes 567! All questions were answered in True/False manner on a scantron sheet. Many questions were duplicates but asked differently, I suppose for consistency purposes. I think I finished in about an hour. During that time, Laura was in and out as she had said she needed to make some phone calls. When all was said and done, I again asked about how she felt and next steps. She mentioned that she should have the results of the testing next week and she would follow up at that time. While her response wasn't as positive as the earlier ones, I just assumed it was a formality and I confirmed that we did have our counseling session as a group of four on January 3rd. Before I left, I took a picture of this on her bookshelf. God must've known I was going to need to read it over and over and over.
As I was shaking her hand to leave, I got a phone call from a NoVA number that I did not know. I declined it and we walked out. The same number called again and I assumed it was our uber back, so I asked Jacob to answer it so I could say bye to Laura. Jacob was quick to say it was Dr. Nair and she needed to speak with me. Interesting? We had just discussed everything a little bit ago. I had to pee so bad so took her on the phone into the bathroom. She asked several detailed questions about my delivery with Gregory and why I was put under among other questions. She then said that she is doing due diligence to ensure that the Medical Director wouldn't have any issues. I proceeded to get a little shitty and said Dr. Nair, why would any of us have made the time for everything today if those questions (which we have already covered) could be show stoppers? She apologized and said she just had to cross all of the ts and dot all of the is. I understand, however, Bethany and Phillip have spent THOUSANDS of dollars on today's visits alone and this is not at all fair to any of us. Dr. Nair understood and said that if for some reason we were not able to proceed, SGF would find a way to credit Bethany and Phillip back.
I got off the phone feeling the lowest low after experiencing the highest highs throughout the day. What now? Should I get Bethany worried? I had to tell them, we have vowed to be open and honest through everything. Our four hour drive home was me stewing in my own mess and Jacob egging me on. Finally, I had to tell myself and Jacob that I couldn't talk about it anymore, thinking of all the buts and ifs, because my mind was making it worse. We finally got home around 9pm and profusely thanked my parents for picking up the kids and doing the evening routine with them before they headed back on the 1.5 hour drive home. We filled them in on everything and the frustration that the beautiful day ended on. Of course, they were supportive and hopeful it would all work out.
I was able to sleep, but woke up with the raw emotions of it all. I was scared and frustrated. I prayed and prayed. I knew God's plan was bigger than mine and he would guide is through it all regardless of the AWFUL uncertainty ahead. I went into the gym and only did one mile, but vowed to do more later in the day. I decided to check my e-mail to see if we had heard anything from our clinical coordinator. Low and behold, I had this message from her (from yesterday afternoon):
Hi All, I want to update you. The synchrony study is not eligible for gestational
carriers. Dr. Nair said the appointment went well. We will be able to move onto the mockeep with Julia’s next
period and receipt of the psych consult report. Julia, just saw your BMI. Awesome job!
Even the clinical coordinator was on the same page as we were all day long (until we weren't). What went wrong and when?!? That's the question I kept asking myself.
Around 8am I got a call from Bethany that everything was just fine. She had just gotten off the phone with Dr. Nair who was very apologetic but had run my records by colleagues and we had no reason to worry. A new next step would be to have a consultation with a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor and have those notes sent to Dr. Nair. This is totally fine considering I had an MFM follow me through the last two pregnancies and I didn't mind at all. After all, if this is what we have to do, no worries. The relief I felt was awesome, but then it felt like I had the worst hangover ever. I took a nap and still woke up feeling like crap. I decided that I needed to take my mind off of everything so I called my parents and asked if I could bring the kids to visit. I told Bethany I was not going to get back in the gym and she was very supportive of that - I think we all just needed a mental break. So, I picked up the kids after lunch at school and headed to my parents house to see my aunt in from Florida and meet my cousin's child for the first time. It was a great evening and exactly what I needed.
I must say, writing this has me reliving all of those emotions, but I promised to give the good, the bad, and the ugly to those reading. This is not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but I am wholeheartedly in it for the long haul!
Thursday, December 19, 2019
uncertainty
Instead of listening to my now normal podcasts (journeys of others throughout infertility, IVF, surrogacy, egg donation, etc.) at the gym, I knew I needed something different today. I was searching for something to give positive thoughts for the big day ahead. Nothing was striking me so I went back to another podcast I have listened to several times called Unf*ck Your Brain. There was an episode on uncertainty. I decided this is exactly what I need.
So much of this journey is unknown. There is no defined path or perfect course. Every body, relationship, embryo is different. I realize that uncertainty often paralyzes me. It is basically a fear of the unknown like I have already written about. This journey is uncharted territory for us at the time and regardless of the planner mindset I have, I need to work on embracing the present, not worrying about the future, but preparing my mind to know that whatever the future holds will create the best path for all of us.
Should things not go perfectly, we all have to accept that, place no blame, refuse to overthink the whys, ifs, etc., and realize that the crazy ride we are on is the right course.
What I have learned is that I must manage my mind through all of this. I cannot manage the outcome, but I can make the decision to understand that regardless of the next steps, I have to love each stage as part of the journey. While I can remain curious and search for knowledge, I cannot focus on the future, just how I feel today and how I plan to tackle whatever is thrown our way. If I decide on purpose that the version of my life and what is uncertain because of whatever happens after it, what I learn, and how I grow, I am preparing myself far better than planning for the unknown. I am going to love this journey no matter what happens. Our thoughts create our results and if we are not afraid of uncertainty, we remain present in our experiences and feel the beauty of it, all of it - the hardships, the bumps, the joys, everything.
“The only certainty you need is that you can manage your mind no matter what happens and that you can love whatever life you have. And when you know that, there are no risks you’re not willing to take. There are no experiences you’re not willing to show up for. There is no life you’re not willing to have. There is no moment you are not willing to be present with. That is the one thing of which you can be certain.” - Kara Loewentheil
All positive thoughts and prayers are welcomed today! The only certain thing is that at the end of the day, we will all be more educated and better understand what comes next, if anything!
So much of this journey is unknown. There is no defined path or perfect course. Every body, relationship, embryo is different. I realize that uncertainty often paralyzes me. It is basically a fear of the unknown like I have already written about. This journey is uncharted territory for us at the time and regardless of the planner mindset I have, I need to work on embracing the present, not worrying about the future, but preparing my mind to know that whatever the future holds will create the best path for all of us.
Should things not go perfectly, we all have to accept that, place no blame, refuse to overthink the whys, ifs, etc., and realize that the crazy ride we are on is the right course.
What I have learned is that I must manage my mind through all of this. I cannot manage the outcome, but I can make the decision to understand that regardless of the next steps, I have to love each stage as part of the journey. While I can remain curious and search for knowledge, I cannot focus on the future, just how I feel today and how I plan to tackle whatever is thrown our way. If I decide on purpose that the version of my life and what is uncertain because of whatever happens after it, what I learn, and how I grow, I am preparing myself far better than planning for the unknown. I am going to love this journey no matter what happens. Our thoughts create our results and if we are not afraid of uncertainty, we remain present in our experiences and feel the beauty of it, all of it - the hardships, the bumps, the joys, everything.
“The only certainty you need is that you can manage your mind no matter what happens and that you can love whatever life you have. And when you know that, there are no risks you’re not willing to take. There are no experiences you’re not willing to show up for. There is no life you’re not willing to have. There is no moment you are not willing to be present with. That is the one thing of which you can be certain.” - Kara Loewentheil
All positive thoughts and prayers are welcomed today! The only certain thing is that at the end of the day, we will all be more educated and better understand what comes next, if anything!
Tuesday, December 17, 2019
refreshed
In the last hour and a half, I have been able to put my mind back into what this is all about. I had been fretting over the next post, but I did it. I hadn't been leaning on my faith as much as I should, but have since had a long conversation with the man upstairs. I got two sweaty miles in at the gym. I feel good, despite having a cold and being pretty snotty.
I am not sure there was any one reason or thing that put it all back into perspective but boy am I thankful. I have missed this feeling recently. Life is good and albeit crazy this time of year, I still have so much to be appreciative of and so many souls that I value immensely!
I am not sure there was any one reason or thing that put it all back into perspective but boy am I thankful. I have missed this feeling recently. Life is good and albeit crazy this time of year, I still have so much to be appreciative of and so many souls that I value immensely!
nerves
I have been a little nervous to write lately. While everything is okay on our end, poor Bethany and Phillip are trying to get their sweet puppy well. Jacob and I have made it very clear that if we need to reschedule Thursday's appointments, that is okay. I may not want anything delayed, I also want Bethany and Phillip in a completely good mindset to proceed.
Prior to our appointments this week, and because we have not met with our attorneys yet, Bethany and I have to have some candid conversations. Even though I think we are on the same page, I have to be sure. Imagine these difficult topics:
Prior to our appointments this week, and because we have not met with our attorneys yet, Bethany and I have to have some candid conversations. Even though I think we are on the same page, I have to be sure. Imagine these difficult topics:
- What if my health is ever in jeopardy?
- What if the baby's health is ever in jeopardy?
- What if the embryo splits? Will selective reduction be a factor?
- What if a test comes back with high probability of a genetic disorder, such as Down Syndrome?
These are just the tip of the iceberg. I truly believe we are in agreement on these items, but we still have to have the conversation. The worst would be if we both go into our individual psych sessions and have differing opinions. I would imagine that would rule us out pretty quickly.
So, here's to hoping for some time to connect with Bethany and Phillip, sincere prayers for puppy Lucy, a significant weight loss this week, safe travels to and from NoVA/DC, and the right frame of mind for all of us as we go through the motions this Thursday!
Thursday, December 12, 2019
little progress = bigger goals
These last few weeks have been extremely difficult. I have been working to get our Christmas cards done, pulling off a surprise birthday party, celebrating Jacob's birthday, hosting Thanksgiving, taking care of everything at work, death of a family friend, all while juggling the added crap that comes with the holiday season. I have been struggling to eat well and be committed to the gym. I have been going to the gym most days, but typically quit after a mile because I am not into it.
Over the past two weeks, I have only lost two pounds total. Frankly, I am very happy for those losses, but know I could have done more. I have been eating like shit days on end, which definitely doesn't help when it comes to less exercise.
Bethany and I made a pact this week to kick ass in the gym over the next week. So, starting yesterday and through next Tuesday, we are both going to get 20 miles in! I am hoping for a 3 pound loss this week, which will take me down to 205. I think being at 205 will be a good place as we go to meet Dr. Nair for the mock embryo transfer next Thursday and then spend the remainder of the day in DC getting our psychological evaluation done.
For the mock embryo transfer (or MET) that we are having next week, there really isn't anything I know of that can count us out with that test. Basically, it is a trial run of the actual transfer so that the doctor get measurements and figure out the best navigation. After this, there is another mock transfer, called the medicated mock transfer to then test the uterine lining (which is huge to ensuring I stay in the shared risk program). The difference between the two is that right now, I am on oral birth control. When I have the medicated mock, I will be off the birth control and taking oral meds and having shots administered to prepare my body for the best possible outcome for pregnancy. This medical regimen is repeated for actual transfer, too.
The psychological evaluation will take about 5 hours (kill me now). Poor Jacob took off work, too. He has to go for the MET to have blood work drawn. If we are going to be sexually active during pregnancy, it is important to ensure that he also does not have any infectious diseases. He also has a part of the psych eval. APparently, I will meet with the psychologist on my own for about an hour and a half, then the two of us together for another hour and a half, then I have to take some scantron personality test which takes a couple of hours.
My parents have so kindly agreed to come and pick our kids up from school and do the evening routine because we likely won't get home until pretty late. Even if we finish up around 5, I assume traffic will be a nightmare and we may not be home until 9 or so.
So, big week next week. In the meantime, send me all of your thoughts and motivation to eat well and get my 20 miles in! Last time I set a goal like this (18 miles), I got it done and had a big loss!
Here goes nothing!
Over the past two weeks, I have only lost two pounds total. Frankly, I am very happy for those losses, but know I could have done more. I have been eating like shit days on end, which definitely doesn't help when it comes to less exercise.
Bethany and I made a pact this week to kick ass in the gym over the next week. So, starting yesterday and through next Tuesday, we are both going to get 20 miles in! I am hoping for a 3 pound loss this week, which will take me down to 205. I think being at 205 will be a good place as we go to meet Dr. Nair for the mock embryo transfer next Thursday and then spend the remainder of the day in DC getting our psychological evaluation done.
For the mock embryo transfer (or MET) that we are having next week, there really isn't anything I know of that can count us out with that test. Basically, it is a trial run of the actual transfer so that the doctor get measurements and figure out the best navigation. After this, there is another mock transfer, called the medicated mock transfer to then test the uterine lining (which is huge to ensuring I stay in the shared risk program). The difference between the two is that right now, I am on oral birth control. When I have the medicated mock, I will be off the birth control and taking oral meds and having shots administered to prepare my body for the best possible outcome for pregnancy. This medical regimen is repeated for actual transfer, too.
The psychological evaluation will take about 5 hours (kill me now). Poor Jacob took off work, too. He has to go for the MET to have blood work drawn. If we are going to be sexually active during pregnancy, it is important to ensure that he also does not have any infectious diseases. He also has a part of the psych eval. APparently, I will meet with the psychologist on my own for about an hour and a half, then the two of us together for another hour and a half, then I have to take some scantron personality test which takes a couple of hours.
My parents have so kindly agreed to come and pick our kids up from school and do the evening routine because we likely won't get home until pretty late. Even if we finish up around 5, I assume traffic will be a nightmare and we may not be home until 9 or so.
So, big week next week. In the meantime, send me all of your thoughts and motivation to eat well and get my 20 miles in! Last time I set a goal like this (18 miles), I got it done and had a big loss!
Here goes nothing!
Wednesday, December 4, 2019
validation
Most mornings, while walking at the gym I listen to different pod casts that show perspectives of intended parents as well as carriers. This morning was no different, however, I took the time after I got home to actually finish the podcast. I am so glad I did! Here is a snippet of what the intended mother had to say about the journey of infertility and surrogacy and her largest piece of advice through it all:
"Advocate for yourself every single step from the beginning or you waste so much time and you waste so much money if you are not willing to search out answers for yourself. As much as you might love your clinic, as much as you might love your RE, they are all human. They see so many people in the same boat, trying to have a baby, and there is just only so much personalization you can do to each person's protocol, treatment, and plan. Sometimes it is going to be in your best interest to think outside the box and to challenge your medical providers in what their plan of care is for you. It may be more cookie cutter than it needs to be. Research, research, research, and be your own champion to have the family you want." Ashlee Hammonds (Podcast I want to Put a Baby in You!)
We are in this for a reason and I will never stop doing my own due diligence, even if it means not directly dealing with Bethany and Phillip's providers.
"Advocate for yourself every single step from the beginning or you waste so much time and you waste so much money if you are not willing to search out answers for yourself. As much as you might love your clinic, as much as you might love your RE, they are all human. They see so many people in the same boat, trying to have a baby, and there is just only so much personalization you can do to each person's protocol, treatment, and plan. Sometimes it is going to be in your best interest to think outside the box and to challenge your medical providers in what their plan of care is for you. It may be more cookie cutter than it needs to be. Research, research, research, and be your own champion to have the family you want." Ashlee Hammonds (Podcast I want to Put a Baby in You!)
We are in this for a reason and I will never stop doing my own due diligence, even if it means not directly dealing with Bethany and Phillip's providers.
a new day
In the meantime, I have listened to so many videos about others that have gone through the psychological evaluation. I also am searching for webinars specific for gestational carriers. While I did go to one SGF webinar, it was obviously for the intended parents, not for the carriers. They allowed me to ask questions, but still it was not catered to my needs as a carrier.
I have sent myself several different links to review over the next few days as time allows. I guess the really good thing here is that there is a plethora of information out there, if you are willing to research. If SGF is not forthcoming with specific information, I will find it on my own! That is just me and I am totally okay with that.
As Bethany mentioned, these are more twists and turns in the adventure. I am along for the ride. I liked roller coasters when I was younger, but I appreciate smoother rides as I have aged. We will get there!
Tuesday, December 3, 2019
letting it go
There’s a time and a place for me in this journey. It is not me at the helm. While I have been persistent and asking a ton of questions, it has become obvious that Shady Grove and their clinicians do not appreciate my due diligence. This is a test for me - I hate tests! As much as my patience is already tested, I have to let Bethany take the reigns and simply follow.
I refuse to give up. I will never give up. I do feel a bit defeated, but I have to get over that. I have always been one to ask a lot of questions to be able to make the most informed decision possible. Shady Grove does not appreciate me, as the gestational carrier, being in that position. I have to respect that. I am just a means to the end.
I have always been a leader, not a follower. God put me in this position to teach me to slow my role and let things happen. This is so difficult - I am not good at this. However, together, we will prevail.
A little back story here is that I have asked a ton of questions to the clinical coordinator, few of which have been answered and if broached at all, not answered completely. That is not okay with me. But, I will begin to defer to Bethany and Phillip to ask the questions we both have. After Bethany spoke with the Psychologist today (the only one we were referred to in the Richmond area), it was obvious that she was not happy I had done the initial outreach. She also was upset that I had asked billing questions. All of this very frustrating!
At this point, I feel as if SGF is somewhat like a cult. They rope you in so tightly, not willing to disclose the dirty truths that by the time you have to sign the dotted line, you feel as if there is no other option but to sign before all of the information is displayed. I know the "cult" analogy may be a little harsh, but it really feels like that at times. SGF is out to make money, which I cannot blame them for, but it seems as though creating families is by far a second priority. There is no reason why much of this testing can be done elsewhere and should not have to be self-pay for Bethany and Phillip.
I know I have rambled much of this post. I am trying very hard to stay positive and follow God's plan - not Shady Grove's. If God feels that we must go through them, then so be it. However, I will not be so willing without the appropriate information at the right time to ensure it is the best option by far. I am frustrated but am going to go to bed and say my prayers thanking God for putting us all in this together. I am going to wake up tomorrow with a new outlook on the process, while keeping the end goal at the heart of it all.
I refuse to give up. I will never give up. I do feel a bit defeated, but I have to get over that. I have always been one to ask a lot of questions to be able to make the most informed decision possible. Shady Grove does not appreciate me, as the gestational carrier, being in that position. I have to respect that. I am just a means to the end.
I have always been a leader, not a follower. God put me in this position to teach me to slow my role and let things happen. This is so difficult - I am not good at this. However, together, we will prevail.
A little back story here is that I have asked a ton of questions to the clinical coordinator, few of which have been answered and if broached at all, not answered completely. That is not okay with me. But, I will begin to defer to Bethany and Phillip to ask the questions we both have. After Bethany spoke with the Psychologist today (the only one we were referred to in the Richmond area), it was obvious that she was not happy I had done the initial outreach. She also was upset that I had asked billing questions. All of this very frustrating!
At this point, I feel as if SGF is somewhat like a cult. They rope you in so tightly, not willing to disclose the dirty truths that by the time you have to sign the dotted line, you feel as if there is no other option but to sign before all of the information is displayed. I know the "cult" analogy may be a little harsh, but it really feels like that at times. SGF is out to make money, which I cannot blame them for, but it seems as though creating families is by far a second priority. There is no reason why much of this testing can be done elsewhere and should not have to be self-pay for Bethany and Phillip.
I know I have rambled much of this post. I am trying very hard to stay positive and follow God's plan - not Shady Grove's. If God feels that we must go through them, then so be it. However, I will not be so willing without the appropriate information at the right time to ensure it is the best option by far. I am frustrated but am going to go to bed and say my prayers thanking God for putting us all in this together. I am going to wake up tomorrow with a new outlook on the process, while keeping the end goal at the heart of it all.
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