another day...

 ...another dollar.  Even though I have enough meds to definitely get me started this time around, Kim let me know that if I have any vials that have been opened for more than thirty days they should not be used.  I think this is a crock of shit, but I have to obey.  The vials themselves say they expire in 2022!  Alas, I will have to order them soon, just to start all over again with no guarantee.

I know that Bethany and Phillip understand the expenses that go with the journey, it is crazy how much it drives me insane.  The good thing is that I have another vial of progesterone that has not been used at all.  However, the Lupron I will have to replace before we get started.  On the other hand, I did not discard anything last time.  I asked Kim if this could be a reason for the failed transfer, which she was quick to say no.  If that is the case, why does it matter?  Who knows, but I will be obedient and do whatever it takes!

cycling

At my parents yesterday, my period started.  I was sure to let Kim know as soon as possible.  She let me know that with this news, everything with the timeline sent earlier this month is right on track.  I am to start birth control in a few days and then proceed with additional meds as time comes.  Unfortunately, Jacob and I have to get our bloodwork done again to ensure there are no infectious diseases that could potentially pass along to a baby.  It drives me nuts because it is just another thing for Bethany and Phillip to have to pay for.  This will be the third time getting the lab work done - they have to be redone every six months.  

Kim, our nurse, also let me know that she had sent all of my prescriptions to the pharmacy.  I responded that I was not going to get anything filled because I still have plenty of everything from the last go-round.  

Here we go again!  Let's do this!

christmas angels

I think I speak for everyone when I say that this year's Christmas is just different.  There are so many traditions that aren't happening and it kills me, but my mind is telling my heart to try to enjoy the quiet time.  My aunt and uncle and their two sons came over for lunch this afternoon.  It was nice to not be on the road all day, going to different places.  However, I started to get antsy as the day went by.  Then, I got a message that Adrienne would like to stop by and deliver something.

I had just seen her last week but she wanted to drop off a gift.  She wasn't able to stay long, but as always, it was a lovely visit.  She asked me to open a new ornament that are beautiful angel wings.  She told me to open the remainder when she left, which was fine.  I was so happy to get some additional interaction and it was an even better surprise that it was Adrienne.  After her quick visit, I went ahead and opened the other card and gift.  I was blown away.  First, she had written a check to each of our kids for an exorbitant amount from her and her mom for their college funds.  It is still hard to fathom.  I am so glad she didn't write any check to me because I knew I would never be able to accept it.  The only way Jacob and I can accept the gifts to the kids is by matching it.  So, that is what we plan to do!

On top of the already too generous gifts, I couldn't believe there was something else.  It was a beautiful book by an artist that is known for doing oil paintings of angels.  It is a book about inspiration and devotion.  I cannot wait to get my hands on it for more than 5 minutes to read the foreword!

Merry Christmas, my friends.  While different, there was a lot of joy in our home today!

bling

Today, I got a package from my sister in law (Bethany's sister).  We don't exchange Christmas gifts so I was confused as to what it may be.  I opened a "thank you" card that shared Christmas greetings and the fact that their entire family was so thankful for me and my family and they wanted to express some of that with a small gift.  The necklace, in gold tone (which I have just recently started to develop a liking to - I have always been a silver gal), has two small gold bars - each engraved with my children's names.  It is gorgeous!  

I am flabbergasted by the gift, the love, and the note that accompanied.  The words mentioned that they wanted to honor me as a wonderful mother.  I question my parenting skills daily, so this was something that resonated deeply and it really felt nice to hear.  Beyond that, the necklace is so beautiful and something that I will wear proudly for years to come.  

I hate accepting gifts, but I must say this is one that is practical and perfect.  I love it!

actions vs. words

With surrogacy, it is obvious that actions speak louder than words.  I have been hearing that all of my life.  However, there are times that words can never be matched.  I learned that this past week as I navigated how to support Adrienne and her family in their grief and honor my dear Ms. Clare.  Flowers die, meals aren't remembered, what could I do?  I decided that I would write a letter to Adrienne to reflect on my time with her mother and detail some of the things she had taught me over the years.

When I dropped that letter off one morning, I was not prepared for how it would be received.  Several times this week, I have been called and texted to say that my words are what will be remembered for years to come.  I cried and cried writing that letter, but I felt that it was important.  It was part of my healing process and hopefully it would help Adrienne in hers.  I happened to have Friday off and asked if I could visit.  I sat in her beautiful home for a couple hours as we reminisced and we talked about some of the things I had written.  It was nice to be together and smile despite the sadness that surrounded our time.

It is amazing to me how our relationships have blossomed over the years and the fact that I will never let my and Adrienne's friendship waver just because her mom is no longer on this earth.  I learned an even bigger lesson through this experience, reflections on paper can sometimes be the greatest gift of all.  Rest in peace, my coach, my spitfire, my Ms. Clare.

clare's glasses

I woke up early this morning to bake a bunch of cookies for gifts.  I made sure that I baked a tray to take back to the hospital this evening as I was planning to beg Adrienne for more time with the two of them.  Little did I know that during my baking Ms. Clare was passing over into heaven.  When Adrienne reached out with the information that only her spirit remains, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was overwhelmed with sadness but more importantly, joy.  Joy that I was able to spend so much time with Ms. Clare and that we seemed to truly get each other.

Maybe I will write more about Ms. Clare later as I feel as though I entered her life as hired help and she left my life as a quite life coach.  A mentor that provided me with more lessons on the truly important things that can be explained.  As I think about different situations, I am going to try to see them through "Clare's glasses" as the perspective she provided is one I can get no where else.  I will forever cherish this lady, our time, and the mentor that she has proven to be.  Boy am I blessed to have forged the beautiful friendship I did with Ms. Clare and share this journey with her.  She will always be in my heart and I know she fully supports each of us, even though her initial reaction was one in which her eyes said "you are nuts."  She is still right, I am nuts, but I wouldn't trade my crazy on this ride for the world.  I am so happy that I was able to also share it with her.

presence

In my adult life, I have always realized more joy from giving verses receiving.  I guess it is true that as we age, we figure out the finer things in life.  The best present I ever could have received tonight was the gift of time.  I was able to see and love on my dear, sweet Ms. Clare that I had not seen in almost nine months due to COVID.  Ms. Clare went to the hospital last weekend due to trouble breathing.  With many tests, it was indicative that she had possibly suffered a heart attack, was septic, and had a bowl blockage that was not making its way out on its own.  While her daughter could have opted for surgery, the invasive nature didn't seem right.  I tried to see her earlier this week, but was unable to due to the COVID restrictions at the hospital, which I had to respect.  

Later in the week, there was no improvement and since there had been no nutrition, she was placed in hospice care.  I reached out again today to see if there were different visiting requirements and was told there were.  While receiving hospice care on a different floor, she was able to have up to three visitors at once and her daughter allowed me to come this evening.  It was so sad to see her in her state, but also provided me much peace.  I had missed this lady so much!  She was my confidant and although over the last few years she hadn't spoken back much, we still were able to maintain a beautiful relationship.

In the hospital, I noticed that her oral hygiene was non-existent and asked if I could call the nurses in because she really needed to be cleaned up.  I was prepared to do it, but the nurses came in, saw what I was seeing and said it was there job to get her mouth clean.  With suction and lots of swabbing by two nurses and me holding a light, it took about ten minutes for her mouth to look so much nicer and I can only imagine that my sweet lady felt so much better although she couldn't express it nor did she ever wake up.

Holding her hand for a couple of hours and speaking with her daughter gave me a sense of comfort that I desperately needed.  It was obvious that Ms. Clare's time on this earth was coming to an end but the gift of her friendship that I had cultivated over the last several years was one that I would cherish forever.  To think about our conversation the previous September about me acting as a surrogate, I knew that even with her in heaven, I will continue to have a huge supporter behind me.  

I truly didn't want to leave the hospital - I would have stayed all night if I didn't think I was impeding on mother/daughter time.  I just love this lady as if she was my grandmother but also the dearest friend one can imagine.  I held it together while I was there, but as I left, I broke a little bit.  This is the end and while I am at peace with that, it is still very sad.  So sad for all of us that she leaves behind.  I will miss our times together and all of the gifts she bestowed on me as she taught me so many true life lessons.

There is no greater gift in life than that of blessed relationships.  I feel this way about Ms. Clare and over the last year or so, I have developed more beautiful connections - especially with Bethany and Phillip.  

brief pause

Dr. Nair called Bethany this morning and followed up with a voicemail to me - unfortunately, life goes on and work comes first.  Even thought I wasn't able to speak to Dr. Nair, it was evident that she was just as sad as the rest of us that this transfer didn't come to fruition.  While we will never know the reasons as to why (nor should we contemplate them), Dr. Nair believes that my body did not have enough time to rest after the miscarriage in August/September.  Due to this, they have suggested and Bethany, Phillip and I understand that we need to take a little time out to let my body continue to heal.

This means that there will be no meds for at least a month. I will wait for my next period in 4 weeks or so and once that comes, we will talk about the next timeline for transfer.  That said, most likely, it will put us into February for another trip up to Rockville.  

It has taken me most of the day to wrap my head around this.  I am so damned impatient, but I trust Dr. Nair and also know that my body needs some time.  It has been a rollercoaster both physically and emotionally and I need to rest a little.  It is harder when I am thinking about my next shot or medicine regimen.  The more I think about it, this will be good for all of us, even though I wanted it to work yesterday.

Everything happens for a reason and I still truly believe that.

slowly but surely

Everything takes time and I have to keep that in mind.  My mood is getting better.  I was able to spend a few hours yesterday morning back out on the water and then returned home yesterday so that we could have an easy Sunday at home to prepare for the week.  While I have been telling myself (and others telling me), I am just starting to fully realize the fact that this is not my fault nor is there anything that I could have done to prevent it.  I started my period yesterday, as the nurses thought I would, and we will forge on from here.  

I still cannot get over the fact of how thankful I truly am for everyone's outpouring of love and support.  I never thought I would need so much for so long and yet we still have what looks like about another year to go.  Keep us in your prayers, y'all.  There will be a light at the end of the tunnel - eventually.

salt in the wound

In this instance, salt in the wound is helping me to get over this - at least being out in the bay to clear my mind.  On the way down to the river today, Phillip sent an email to our nurse asking about next steps and ultimately the next transfer.  This helped me to realize that while we are all distraught over the news, each of us are on board to try again.

The bay was beautiful this afternoon and provided much peace and comfort in my soul.  Meade went with me and my dad.  We only caught four rock fish and none of them were keepers.  Trolling in the winter is not my schtick, but it was actually really nice.  Returning back into Cranes Creek, the water was simply like glass and I have to share a couple of those pictures as well.

We will be okay.  It will take time.  I knew this process wasn't going to be easy, but I never thought it would be this difficult.

   

devastation sets in

I am not sure how I am feeling this morning.  Well, physically I feel like crap and I am completely devastated.  I cannot begin to imagine how Bethany and Phillip are feeling.  I have to stop questioning things, but that is the most difficult thing.  Maybe the test is wrong?  Maybe they mixed up my bloodwork with someone else’s?  I know this is not the case, but why do I still feel like shit?  Am I having ghost symptoms? 

For the first time in this process, my hope is less than it has ever been, which concerns me.  What can I do better next time?  I know in my heart we will get there and I am going to learn from this devastation eventually, but I am not there yet.  I am so tired.  I feel so gross.  I have gained weight, which adds to my feeling like shit physically and just about myself.  My mind is spiraling a little.

I begged Jacob to help me pack up the family and go to my parents.  I just need a change of scenery.  I am so thankful that Jacob obliged and we are headed that way now. 

I cannot forget how far we’ve come and even though this is another step back, we will take two more steps forward before we know it.  If I type more positive things, maybe my mind will start to believe them.  Please continue to keep all of us in your prayers.  I rarely fail and when I do, I apologize, fix the issue, and come out on the other side having a new perspective and the original successful outcome.  I can’t just apologize and fix things here.  I can work hard to get myself out of this funk and remember the hope that is deep inside my heart.  I am going to keep trying to do that. 

Thanks for reading my woe is me post.  I try to be positive, but this is real, y’all.  This is exhausting and I understand why so many people give up.  While I get that others can’t move forward any longer, I am not ready to stop.

sad thanksgiving

I have so much to be thankful for this year.  I have learned more about myself in the last 15 months than I ever could have imagined.  I am in a good place.  Today, finding that place is a little more difficult.  I know that Bethany, Phillip and their families are distraught.  Regardless of it all, none of us will lose hope or give up.  I knew that while Bethany and Phillip are close right now, it is not a good time to see each other considering COVID.  That said, I just felt like I couldn’t sit around and do nothing.  Instead, I baked them some cookies and dropped off a heartfelt card for them to read when they had a moment. 

I am so sad and still so confused and completely exhausted.  How?  Why?  It doesn’t make sense.  None of this matters, though.  None of us are ready to throw in the towel and persevere we will. 

It was a very nice, quaint Thanksgiving for us.  Despite all of the feelings, we had my brother and parents over for a non-traditional get together.  It was awesome without the normal stuff – we had shrimp and corn chowder, salad, rolls, and cheesecake.  Everything was delicious and of course, I ate entirely too much and felt like hell the remainder of the day.  However, it still feels like pregnancy symptoms to me.  When will they stop? 

baffled

It seemed like it took forever to Kim to call today.  And, frankly, I am taken aback.  Our pregnancy test was negative.  Bethany and I were both on the phone for the news and I just can’t believe it.  Poor Kim was pretty upset, too, hoping to give us something to be really thankful for tomorrow.  I didn’t know what to say, but I did ask about my level.  All she said was that they consider any beta level under 5 to be a negative.  There is no way!  I feel pregnant.  I am miserable.  The little shooting star was so distinct and we all saw it. 

Before we hung up, Kim mentioned that I should expect to get my period soon and then will continue, if we want, once that happens.  Of course that is what I want, yet I still don’t understand what happened (or didn’t) this time.  I am baffled.  When we hung up with Kim, Bethany called me and she was distraught.  I don’t think it has sunk in for me just yet.  I will never give up, but I just don’t understand this. 

I must stop questioning everything and forget about what I may not have done right.  I wish there were answers, but the only one that matters is that this wasn’t the right time or the right embryo.  I prayed fiercely for this transfer to work, but more importantly, I followed every prayer up with “however, if this little embryo isn’t strong enough to survive the pregnancy or have a healthy, quality life moving forward, it is best that we don’t get any further.  I remind myself that my prayers have been answered.  It is better to get a negative now than it is to get a positive with more devastation ahead. 

I pray or understanding and through my tears continue to be so very grateful for this journey.

take my blood!

Busy morning ahead!  We take the kids to their dentist appointment at 8 and then I head to get my bloodwork drawn!  I am excited to hear when the nurse calls!

smell overload

Ever since my walk this morning, my nose has been very very sensitive.  I have never noticed this with my other pregnancies, but here we are.  I asked my mom about it and she said that she had that when she was pregnant with Ricky.  For instance, when on my morning walk, I could smell neighbors doing laundry from afar and the only reason I know that is because the lovely smell of clean laundry lasted for quite some time.  Typically, we would know which house was doing laundry because we would smell it for an instance pretty close to where we were walking.  This time, it was like I smelled it for a whole street!  Smelled dog poop for quite some time, too, making me check my shoes on several occasions.  I didn’t think anything of it, but eventually I realized this was likely another sign of pregnancy.  Even at home, I could smell things from three rooms away and it was driving me nuts.  Good news, I suppose.  With this, feeling like poop and tenderness in my boobs, I will take it!

family heirlooms

One of my mom’s cousins reached out and asked if I had any interest in some family furniture that no one else seemed to want and she felt that I was one of the only ones in this generation that would truly appreciate them.  It made me feel really good to know she thought of me.  There are several things from my great aunts and great grandmother that I will get soon and others that I will take down the road. 

Looking at the furniture was fun, but listening to family stories was even better.  I shared this journey with her and she was blown away by it all and hopeful for us, too.  A really nice visit that I got to do since I am off work today and of course I love to tell people about helping to make another family!

piecing it together

Today hasn’t been much better than yesterday.  We don’t have plans so that is nice.  I started this beautiful, glittery puzzle that Bethany and Phillip gave me at the transfer.  I sat at the kitchen table much of the day, watching the kids play outside and working on the puzzle.  I made sure to finish the puzzle before I went to bed.  What is pretty special about this puzzle is that Bethany said it reminded her of me – that the lady resembled an angel that was giving back to the earth.  Sure, works for me – it is the thought that counts and it provided a few hours of fun!

feeling yucky

This morning is the first time that I have really felt awful since the transfer.  Definitely normal pregnancy feelings for me.  I am starving yet anytime I eat, I get almost an immediate headache and my tummy is very unsettled.  It is rough cycle, too.  It is somewhat like my body feels as though it will feel better if I try to eat something else, yet that never works.  Too bad my mind doesn’t realize it before I go back to the kitchen.  Or, maybe it is just a matter of little self control when I feel so crummy.

David texted and brought over additional food to go with the supper that he and Maria got for us this past Thursday – so kind of them.  I felt so bad that I didn’t want to see anyone, which I felt bad not even saying hi.  I laid down and asked Jacob if he could take both the kids to the socially distant birthday party because I didn’t think I could do it.  I started thinking about pas pregnancies and realized that if I had something else to focus on, I probably wouldn’t think about feeling so bad. 

I decided to go to the little gathering and magician show for a friend’s birthday and it was the best thing I could have done.  I don’t know if pretending I felt great or just not thinking about everything I really didn’t feel bad – there’s no telling.  Regardless, it was a few hours of reprieve – feeling just fine and enjoying watching the kids having a blast.  Once we got home and settled, my tummy was less than.  Par for the course, though and I hope it continues for months to come!

nothing new

We are 4dp5dt.  Any idea what that means?  I didn't either until I entered this world of IVF.  That suggests we are four days post a blastocyst that is aged five days and transferred.  So on the fourth day after transfer of an embryo that grew for five days before insertion.  

I am feeling no different.  This is great because I feel good!  However, I do know that during normal pregnancies I feel pretty awful.  I can't remember when I felt so yucky before or when my boobs started to get really tender.  The tenderness of my boobs has always been the first sign.  Another clear sign, that I never experienced before the miscarriage last time are tender milk ducts in my arm pits.  Very strange, but it has been indicative of a pregnancy for my two children.

I connected with Bethany briefly yesterday.  She and I are not texting several times a day like we did before.  On my end, and I think on hers, too, it is somewhat of a relief.  We both trust eachother enough to know that everything is fine and if it isn't we will make it known.  On the other hand, I think that we are both guarding ourselves a little more this time around.  I think that is healthy.  Before, we got that positive test, but then several weeks later were devastated.  Who knows what will happen this time around.  Even if we get that heartbeat, it truly is a day by day thing because miscarriages happen throughout the forty weeks of gestation.  Of course, they are much less likely in the second half of pregnancy but it doesn't mean it cannot happen.

The good news is that we are on the same page.  We will get our bloodwork results next Wednesday and go from there.  I actually like it better this time around.  I know Bethany is there if I need her, but I am not hyper focused on this all day every day.  I am going on with my life as I normally would be and it is good not to have my mind so wrapped up in the journey and all the what ifs that come along with it.  I will still try to continue to update here as we go as I know there is so much support near and far for each of us!

And, if you're wondering, based upon a calculator from Princeton, should this transfer work, we are looking at a due date in early August.  Bring it on!

a family affair

Some people look at my funny when I say that Jacob did not come with me this weekend.  Instead, my parents came along - actually, they took me.  The fact that my parents are my biggest supporters is one of the most important parts of this journey for me.  When I first approached them well over a year ago with my desire to do this, they were extremely hesitant and were worried about my health.  I have always been a giver, so they didn't question that, but never thought that I would do something like this.  We have talked many times over the last year about this journey and my devotion to my own health, the legal agreement language regarding my health, and Bethany and Phillip's continued focus to my health as well.  

I grabbed a diet coke at the local convenience store on the way out Friday and the person working commented on my appearance - I usually show up in my work out clothes, after a 5 mile walk.  Well, today was very different as I had showered and was wearing normal clothes!  The person there asked where I was headed and I told them.  She asked if I was going by myself and I said no, my parents were taking me!  He looked at me kind of funny, but I was super pleased with this answer and said that I may be 37 years old, but I will take all the help I can get.

Frankly, if Jacob really wanted to go, he would have and my parents would have stayed with the kids.  Jacob is kind of over all of this and took the day off to relax a little, get the kids to and from school and then have some time alone.  He also wasn't too keen on going up to Baltimore to see some of my mom's cousins since COVID really is strengthening everywhere.  All of this is to say that my parents and I still wanted to see our Fogarty family and decided to make the trip together.  

Friday afternoon, we made it to Mary Pat's house and had a chill evening.  I even laid down when we got there.  I just needed some downtime.  My mind was exhausted from the day.  It wasn't that stressful, but just a lot going on.  When I got up, Mom and I went for a little, slow walk around the neighborhood.  We had supper, threw some dice, and then went to bed at a pretty normal time (which is early).  Saturday morning, there was much anticipation as we were hoping to visit my 96 year old great aunt outside of her independent living facility.  Daddy and I were getting antsy so I said I needed to do something - I didn't care what, but just something.  He looked up casinos on his phone and we were all in!  We left to go to the casino and let them know we would be back by 1 to visit Aunt Charlotte.  I borrowed $100 cash from Dad, gave him the $100 back and left with $80 in my pocket - can't ask for much more than that!

We had the nicest visit, albeit with masks on, with Aunt Charlotte.  This lady is one of the sweetest, most put together ladies I have ever known. She and my maternal grandmother are sisters.  I love spending time with her and hadn't seen in her a few years.  Even though it was only about a 30 minute visit, I am so thankful to have had that time together.  

We headed back to Mary Pat's house so that her four sisters could come over, hang out, have supper, and catch up.  Again, it was the most lovely time.  I think we were all a little nervous about COVID, but we managed to still have a wonderful visit!

I miss the children and Jacob and am ready to get home, but I will cherish the time away for years to come, remembering what initiated this trip - the beginning of the next steps on this journey!  

wrist wear

A year ago, Bethany's parents sent me the beautiful angel necklace that I have literally worn everyday since, until the chain broke.  When I was on vacation last month, I was trying to wrap it around another necklace for the wedding and the chain didn't make it.  I didn't have time to do anything with it right then, so I threw it in my luggage and went on.  

As I was getting ready for transfer, I couldn't believe that I hadn't worn the angel in a month!  In my head, I think about that angel as the one we lost during the miscarriage, so it is okay.  That baby will always be in my heart, but I still need to keep it in my memory.  Thus, I found this bracelet and added it to that for now.  I don't know what I will do with the angel in the future, but I like it on my wrist, just with my "keep fucking going" bracelet.  They are so very different yet complement each other like I never would have realized.  Just another angel in our lives to help us keep going and never look back, questioning the what ifs.

the shooting star

Shoo, as I will affectionately call this embryo from now, on is seen in this short video clip.  This is a recording of the transfer.  You will see the white line in the middle grow to the left - this is the catheter being inserted further into my uterus.  Then, you will see the little Shooting Star go from the catheter and land in my uterus.  This my friends is the beautiful embryo that I am hoping to nurture for the next 9 months!

it's go time!

We got to Rockville more than an hour before we needed to be.  We stopped at Krispy Kreme and I grabbed a Diet Coke.  I called Kim just to see if she had any news on the embryo thaw.  I left her a message but told her that she didn't need to call me back.  I was just getting antsy!  I told Bethany and Phillip that I would be there super early if they wanted to get there and catch up beforehand.  I had forgotten that since the transfer was in the afternoon, Bethany had switched some of her clients to the morning.  

Mom, Dad and I just hung out.  I read, looked at my phone, just killed time.  I asked if we could go park at the SGF building at 1115 because I needed to go potty at that time to empty my bladder than then start drinking the sixteen ounces of water prior to the transfer.  We waited in the truck until Bethany and Phillip arrived and were able to talk for about 5 minutes and take a couple of pictures before I went upstairs to check in.  

As I checked in, I asked if I could meet Linda, the nurse manager.  I had brought cookies for her and her team as well as some for Dr. Nair.  As I waited in the beautiful waiting area, another sweet lady was very emotional.  We chatted a bit.  This was also her second transfer.  She was from London and it took quite a few days to travel here for the transfer - the previous transfer was done in England.  She and her husband have not been able to have children and this is another try for them.  I am not sure why she came this far, but she and I wished each other success before I was called back.  Her appointment was 15 minutes after mine.

The same lady that called me back in July did so again today.  She runs a tight ship back there getting women ready for transfers!  I had no idea how nervous I was.  I was saying the wrong things, I dropped my drivers license, instead of asking again for Linda, I asked for Gail (I was a mess to say the least).  She took me to my room and didn't tell me to do anything so I wanted to be prepared so got undressed from the waist down only be told that she didn't want me undressed yet - oops.  No worries, she said.  All of a sudden, Gail knocked on the door and I felt so stupid.  Even though Gail had helped me over the phone at some point, I really wanted to meet Linda.  Gail said she would take the cookies down to the team.

I was surprised with another knock at the door that wasn't Dr. Nair just yet.  It was Linda.  She had tears in her eyes and offered me a hug from a distance.  She said that the note and cookies were a testament to why she does what she does everyday.  It was so nice to see her in person and I am glad that I took thirty seconds to recognize Linda and her team.

Not long after, Dr. Nair came in.  The first thing she said was "I am not supposed to hug, but..." and we had an emotional embrace.  She told me how sorry she was about last time - all water under the bridge.  I tried to help her realize that everything was okay and we are very excited for this next big step.  

We got Bethany and Phillip (and my parents) on FaceTime.  The first thing was to be told that the first embryo thawed was healthy and would be transferred!  Woohoo!  They still have another embryo frozen if it is needed.  I signed that paper and the embryologist was called in to bring the embryo in the catheter.  

Dr. Nair placed the catheter, the tech had the external ultrasound going, and everyone was still watching.  Dr. Nair pushed through a little bit of saline.  I never felt anything other than the speculum insertion.  Really, people have no idea how easy the procedure really is.  Once the embryologist showed up with the embryo, Dr. Nair told us that she wasn't getting a very clear picture so we may not be able to see the transfer as well as we did last time.  I didn't care.  I didn't really feel like I could see it that well before.  Little did I know how cool this was going to be.  

I switched the facetime so that B/P, Mom and Dad could see the ultrasound screen where the catheter was identified.  Dr. Nair said we would hopefully see something shoot out in a few seconds.  It was so crazy and clear.  I didn't notice it at all last time.  I couldn't wait for it all to be over so that I could get a video of it to share.  Dr. Nair then called the embryologist to take back the catheter and ensure that the embryo no longer remained.  Success!

Only time will tell from here!

a daring ride

As we are on the ride to Rockville, I brought a couple of books with me.  I am in the backseat of my dad's truck and boy is it comfy!  If my mind wasn't going a mile a minute, I would try to take a nap.  I pulled out what I am reading for a book club at work - Dare to Lead by Brene Brown.  Boy is this lady pretty cool.  I wish we could be friends.  

I am behind reading - the chapter I am working on now was discussed yesterday but I was on PTO, so I gave myself some leeway.  I am so glad I did.  While still on a high from that impactful note from Gigi, I started reading about vulnerability.  So much of is resonated with me today and each day of this journey so far.  And, back to my earlier post, I am not invincible.  However, to succeed, I must be vulnerable.  That is okay.  It is hard, but will provide exponentially more rewards should I remain stagnant.  

In one section, this took my breath away:  

"If we are brave enough, often enough, we will fail.  Daring is not saying I am willing to risk failure.  Daring is saying I know I will eventually fail and I am still ALL IN.  I've never met a brave person who hasn't known disappointment, failure, even heartbreak...it is about having the COURAGE to SHOW UP when you can't control the outcome."

Well, my friends, this is it.  This says it all.  While I have limitless hope in my heart and the courage to be on this journey, everything is uncertain.  I did fail last time, yet I remain devoted to this.  So much of this has been a roller coaster with heartache and loops that we didn't know existed.  We have shared disappointment beyond belief.  All of this is to say that we are stronger than those things.  Those hard times will prepare us for the better times.  We keep putting one foot in front of the other, keeping the end goal in sight.  If we weren't vulnerable here, right now, where else would we be?  

I imagine we would be comfortable in our own lives wondering about what may have been.

early emotions

Sleep was a little elusive last night.  It was okay, though.  I got up around 330 instead of my normal 4am alarm to start the day, thinking that maybe I could get a longer walk in.  Prior to us leaving, I was planning on going to a friend’s house, that is a podiatrist to check out my feet – there are always issues now that I am walking a good bit.  At this point, I have a callus on my left heel that isn’t that bothersome and I also have what I believe to be a plantar wart in between my pinky toe and the next on my right foot.  This one is a pain! 

I ventured out about 25 minutes earlier than normal to walk.  I had four miles done before I met my friend Kristi to walk with her at 5 (which is my typical routine).  I completed another 3 miles with her, making it 7 today!  I am glad for that because I really should not be walking that much for the next few days once transfer is complete.  Next week I can resume, but I need to be taking it easy over the weekend.  I got rained on a little, but it was perfect.  My walks are my time with God until I meet Kristi.  I pray and pray during those first couple of miles and have candid conversations with God.  Once Kristi comes out, I have my morning therapy session – or at least I joke that Kristi
is my therapist.  Kristi brings such a different perspective to almost every situation, she is well grounded, and frankly she doesn’t judge.  It is the best of all worlds and such an awesome friend to me. 

As I often do, I grabbed the mail from the day before at the end of the walk.  Per the norm, most of it is junk mail, but there was a greeting card from one of my friends that has literally been there since we were probably four or five.  We’ve grown in different directions over the years but welcome time together when we don’t skip a beat and still enjoy each others’ company.  It is really beautiful.  Our parents have been great friends for years and years and then in our younger childhood, they moved almost across the street from us.  In my head, I thought, wow – Gigi is on top of it!  She is sending out Thanksgiving cards this year instead of Christmas cards and she is totally ahead of time!  I opened the card excited to see pictures of her beautiful family. 

There were no pictures.  Just a folded sheet of light green card stock.  In her handwriting, it simply said “Hi!” on the front.  This is interesting, I thought.  Then, I opened the card and went on to read the most beautiful note I have ever received.  Gigi put her heart on the line for no reason, just to tell me that she admires me for the person I am and that I inspire her.  I was blown away.  Through tears I read and re-read the note.  I lost it.  I was flabbergasted by the generous gesture that really means more in the world to me that most other things, especially more than anything material.  When my parents got up, I asked them to read it too – they also were dumbfounded.  I have placed this beautiful card in the book I am reading as my bookmark to be reminded often that I am doing the right things regardless of the challenges that will always lie ahead. 

I decided not to go see my friend, Julie, to get her opinion on my feet.  I felt that it was more important to not be rushed and try to relax a little bit before hitting the road.  I continued to revel in the amazing words within Gigi’s note and when I got in the backseat of my dad’s truck (yes, I am 37 and my parents are taking me to this appointment – their support is endless), I texted Gigi to let her know how much the card meant to me and the timing couldn’t have been any better.  She responded to say that she has always been inspired by me and offered her thoughts and prayers for today.  I am getting choked up again thinking about it all.  What did I do to deserve such a wonderful life?  I don’t know, but I won’t ever stop trying to do the right things to satisfy my own heart and instill the right morals in my children.

invincible

I am experiencing all of the emotions right now, most importantly trying to keep myself in check.  I am NOT invincible, which is what I felt after the last transfer.  I’ve never lost a pregnancy and won’t lose this one either.  It will go perfectly the whole time.  Now that I have experienced the miscarriage, I know all too well that this transfer could end in the same.  We never know but I have to go into this with a more open mind to failure than I had last time.  My hope overflows, but I have to be realistic, too.  I often remind myself that the data says that one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage.  Well, this will be my fourth pregnancy and I’ve already had that one.  So, if the data speaks for itself we should be fine, right?  If only it worked like that!

The nerves are real.  It is hard to explain.  The procedure is easy – I have no reservations about that.  I really have no reservations for anything to come, I just hate uncertainty.  The next several months will be a lot of that and I am preparing myself for it.  It is hard, but I have to embrace it!  My family realized my nervousness when I couldn’t stop pooting.  Remembering back to plays in high school, I will never forget that anytime before a production, I would get bad gas due to nerves.  So here we are!  I hope that I sleep well tonight, get a good walk in tomorrow, and everything goes smoothly tomorrow – Friday the 13^th!

transfer plans

I got pretty nervous today.  I was waiting to hear from Kim with our appointment time for Friday and she called but I was on a call for work so could not take it.  Then, I got an email from her asking for my weight as transfer could not be scheduled until that was in the system.  The last weigh in they had in my chart was from June.  Well, I was a nervous wreck.  Do I tell them the truth or tell them that I am at 190 – where I needed to be for the shared risk program?  Frankly, I am at 192, but will be at 190 by Friday.  I was hesitant o return anything on email to ensure there was no paper trail and called Kim and left her a message.

Toward the end of the workday, she returned my call and explained to me that the weight is only to schedule the transfer and to know where I was in case there needed to be any emergency surgery or anything. I told her where I was and I am not sure what she told the scheduler, but while we were on the phone, she gave me the time of 1215.  I need to be there at 1145.  Same routine as last time – empty my bladder an hour before my appointment and drink 16 ounces of water before the time so that the bladder is filled to the right capacity during the transfer.

It is always so wonderful to talk to Kim – I just adore her.  We already set my bloodwork appointment for November 25^th and she was quick to say that we should have something to be extra thankful for as we are with our families for Thanksgiving the following day.  I hope she is right!  I am so excited!

anniversary shot

Not the shots that I used to celebrate with, but I did take my first progesterone to the bum this morning.  Today is also Phillip and Bethany's 6th wedding anniversary.  I joked that I took a shot to the bottom to celebrate them.  Six years ago, Jacob and I decided not to go to their wedding because I was newly pregnant with Gregory and feeling like hell.  We had not yet shared this news with anyone so it made sense to stay at home, keeping my misery away from their special day.  

Here's to 12 more weeks of this shot that I will gladly take with hope and gratitude! 

10.28

I had more bloodwork and an ultrasound today to check the thickness of my uterine lining.  I am still exhausted from all of the funeral stuff, but I received wonderful news!  My uterine wall came in at a whopping 10.28mm!  This is amazing.  I believe they want it to be above 8mm and I well surpassed that.  Kim called later this afternoon to let me know that my bloodwork is beautiful as well.  

All of this is to say that transfer is still scheduled for next Friday, the 13th in Rockville, MD.  I will begin my progesterone shots Sunday (and every three days thereafter) and the progesterone vaginal inserts Monday.  We are on our way!!!

it's been a while

Everything has been a little challenging in my world lately.  My grandfather passed on October 26th and since he was transported to Florida four days prior, we had to wait to have his body embalmed and flown back before services could be had.  

We finally had his funeral today, after a visitation and Rosary service last night.  It was very nice and I think he would be happy with what was done.  I was honored to be able to speak during his funeral on behalf of the family but was surprised that I was actually delivering the eulogy when I saw the program upon arriving at the church.  From what my family said, it was very nice.  I wish I would have had some sort of thanks shown by Art's daughter, but I didn't.  That's okay.  I am going to put all of this behind us and remember that Art has been one of this journey's biggest supporters since day one and now we have another angel wholeheartedly helping on the other side to make it all happen.  I'll leave you with this sweet picture of Art, taken at his belated 90th birthday celebration this past summer.  He will live in our hearts forever!

here's to 37

It is hard to believe that today I turned 37.  Since this all began, my hope is that I would deliver a sweet baby in my 36th year.  Of course, it is not about my timing, but I am extremely hopeful for what 37 will bring, in His timing.  

While this year has been difficult to say the least, it has also been one of the most beautiful and rewarding ones.  Navigating this surrogacy journey and trying to find our new normal amidst COVID has not been easy.  I have learned so much about myself over the last year, cultivated the most beautiful relationships with Bethany and Phillip, and worked super hard to be the healthiest I have ever been in my life.  Throughout the challenges, it has all been more than worth it!  I managed to develop the utmost compassion for anyone going through infertility issues as well as those that may not face infertility but that go through a miscarriage.  I never put much thought into the turmoil that causes and while I didn't experience all of the emotional uproar, physically it was awful.

In recent years, I don't remember truly making wishes when I blew out my candles.  I probably haven't made a true (not material wish) in all of my life - until now.  Tonight, I wished for success in the transfer coming up and for all of our health along the way.  With my family surrounding me, I made this wish as the flame was extinguished.  I followed up with prayers for each of us walking this path together and going through it all with peace and understanding.

cleared to proceed

This morning, I had bloodwork and another ultrasound with Dr. Edelstien.  This is the man that was so very kind and thoughtful as he confirmed the miscarriage back in August.  It was nice to see him and be able to thank him for making a difficult day a little bit easier, just with words and body language that exuded compassion.

The ultrasound looked great - my lining is thin, where it should be.  There are a lot of follicles, but none of those are necessary in this endeavor.  Kim followed up with an email this afternoon to say that my bloodwork looks perfect too.  I will start the oral estrace today and decrease the lupron injections from 20 units to 5 units per day until my next scheduled bloodwork and ultrasound on the 5th.

For a little context, when we were at this appointment last time, my body was ovulating.  Due to that, I had to stay on the 20 units of lupron for a few extra days before starting the estrace.  To me, today's information makes it seem like we are doing even better than before!

planting seeds

 

I got Gregory off the bus today and this sweet card was in the mail today - for no reason at all.  This is why I am here, why I am writing, what gives me purpose.  I want to do good.  I want others to see it.  I want to make a difference in this world by being kind.  My mom simply saw this card, thought of me and put it in the mail.  I am so lucky to have come from such a wonderful family that taught me about doing for others and the impact it can make near and far.  As much as people think I am selfless on this journey, the do-gooder in me gets so much satisfaction from it all.  Now, to just make it all work and have Bethany and Phillip become parents is what will close the circle!

body shots

Even though I have been on the hormone pills for a few weeks, today I had my first injection of this cycle.  As it was last time around, it was easy and there were no issues!  Just a small needle to the belly!  Woohoo!  

Yesterday, I had a saline sonogram to ensure that my uterus sustained no damage from the miscarriage and to make certain that all of the conception material was in fact removed.  I got to meet with a new physician at SGF today and I really, really liked her.  She is the only female doctor at SGF in Richmond.  She was so open to talk and answer my questions (of course) and I hope I can schedule more of my follow ups with her in the future!

This is all shaping up to be right on track!

crickets

Please forgive me for my lack of updates lately.  There has not been much to tell and to be honest, I am having a difficult time keeping everything else in my life together.  My grandfather is ill and will be transitioning to hospice care soon.  We had a brief vacation as the result of travel to the eastern shore for my cousin Matt's wedding.  It was nice, but a little thwarted with Art's condition.  We are still on track for everything to go as planned for a November 13 transfer!  I actually thought that I was to start the Lupron injections today, but quickly realized that I do not start until Saturday.  See what I mean - I am clearly off!  

I am thankful that I will have this to focus on as my grandfather continues to decline and passes peacefully, as soon as possible, per his wishes and to ease the burden on all of us that will remain.  I don't think I have ever prayed so fervently in my life.  It is tough, but it is good.  This man has been a light in our lives for over 20 years and at the age of 90, he has so much to be proud of.  His time has come to be with "his Lord," just as he has asked.

angel baby

I thought I would let each of you know that we did get the genetic testing back from VCU regarding the conception material obtained from the MVA.  Here is what Dr. Nelson sent:

Julia,

Just wanted to let you know that the genetic test was normal. It did not reveal any chromosomal abnormalities.

Hope you are feeling well.

Amy

While it would have provided some answers to the miscarriage for abnormalities to be discovered, this is the best news.  There is no reason to believe that the remaining two frozen embryos have any issue!

all is set!

Folks, we have our timeline!  All set for transfer on Friday, November 13th!  We are going to make this day one that I never associate with bad luck again!  Injections start in a few weeks and until then I will stay on the birth control pills!  I am so excited for this to be underway again!

next cycle plan

With some back and forth emails between me, Bethany/Phillip, and Kim, we were given a few options on a transfer date.  For the soonest transfer and to be inline with a Monday or Friday, we were asked if November 13th or the 16th was better.  Due to the fact that the 13th is also Friday the 13th, I asked Bethany and Phillip were okay with this.  Let's be honest, we've already been through the ringer.  If it doesn't work this time, there is no superstition involved. However, if it does work, we've got reason to believe the Friday the 13th is a good day for the rest of our lives!

I have more bloodwork scheduled for Thursday to ensure the beta is negative and then we should be on our way!

setting our plan

Kim, our amazing nurse, reached out to me.  She asked about days of the week that would be best for transfer.  Because this transfer will be using a frozen embryo verses a fresh one (not synched up with the donor - there are still two frozen embryos from the last fresh transfer), we can determine our own date of transfer, of course with the medicine regimen and a satisfactory uterine lining.  I have asked Kim if we can shoot for a Monday or a Friday so that we can make a short trip up to Baltimore to see my great aunt and the majority of her children still in the area.

Since I started the birth control on Saturday, we are looking at a transfer date in mid-November.  A little earlier than Thanksgiving, which is great - you know me - the sooner the better!  Looking at these dates, it seems like a 40 week gestational period takes us out to deliver close to the end of July or beginning of August.  A summer baby!  While I am not that interested in being huge over the summer, I will gladly do it!

testing negative

This morning I returned to the clinic to have blood drawn again.  While my beta level was a little over 150 two weeks ago, we were told that it could still take some time to get below 5, which is what is needed to determine a negative pregnancy test.  Today, our nurse was on PTO for her birthday, so her manager called me to follow up.  The beta level is at 8!  While it still has a few points to drop, she was okay with me getting back on birth control this weekend to start a new cycle.  Here we go again!  I'm very happy but still on edge because you just never know!

injection site pain

I reached out to Kim today.  Even though I stopped the injections in the bottom a few weeks ago, I still have lingering pain.  It is nothing too bad, just like a bruise that won't go away.  The slightest touch hurts. Strangely, too, as each day passes, the pain seems to get lower and lower as if gravity is pulling the bruise down.  Now, it is pretty much at the intersection of my bottom and my leg.  Kim confirmed that this is normal, which I was glad to hear.  As long as it is typical, there is no worry on my end.  It just is so strange to me!

splashing in the puddles

Last night we had the opportunity to have our dear Shelby stay with us again.  She is the best and we adore her.  She has also been beyond supportive as we work to make Bethany and Phillip parents.  The last time she stayed was the night before we had the first heartbeat check in which I had no inkling we would receive bad news.  So, the times have changed and she has been here for us each step of the way.  It was so wonderful to have her here with us last evening.  However, when everything was confirmed a couple of weeks ago, I got this most beautiful card in the mail from her.  

So, let's jump in them together is what the inside of the card said.  On the envelope, Shelby wrote so many nice and lovely things about me to keep me reminded of how far we've come and that the best is yet to come.  She even mentioned our bracelets (I gave her one, too, before she went back to school last year) that simply says "keep fucking going."

And, that is what we will continue to do.  The rain comes and goes, but let's make the best of the puddles and simply keep going!  

post procedure

This morning I had blood work to check on my beta level.  As I was going through the miscarriage, in one day, my blood work in the morning showed an HCG of 11K.  When I went to the hospital because of the crazy bleeding, it was down to 8K, a significant drop in less than 12 hours!  Now, it is time to see that level drop to a "negative" pregnancy test.  Today, the level was at 159.

When Kim called to let me know, she was quick to say that while the overall level has dropped considerably, the last couple hundred take a lot longer to get down.  No problem on our end.  I think everyone is still processing the difficulty of the last several weeks.  I have a new blood work appointment scheduled for the 24th, in hopes that we get a negative result at that time.  In the meantime, should I start a period, I will let Kim know and she will get me in sooner to have labs drawn.  Who knows what my crazy body will do!

I will say that I feel a little bit of guilt to write this, but I am feeling so good.  I am back to my normal self, walking each morning and truly feeling great.  I haven't had to wear a pad in the past two days which is indicative that my body should be pretty much done passing all of the conception material.  The cytogenetics testing will take about 6 weeks to return any results so we will know more as time allows.

As far as next steps go, Kim will direct me on what to do and when, of course as Bethany/Phillip and I are ready.  It is looking like we will transfer again around Thanksgiving.  The beauty of having frozen embryos is that we do not have to sync up a timeline for a fresh transfer with an egg donor.  This means that once we are far enough down the medicine timeline, we can schedule our own date.  Because there are two embryos frozen, if for some reason one is not viable after the thaw, they will have the oportunity to thaw the other.  Keep in mind that the first time around when Bethany was trying to carry, 10 embryos were frozen and only two survived the thaw.  Everyone is very quick to say that those circumstances are an anomaly in the IVF world, but I am hoping that we will be able to transfer one.  If not, I am not sure of the next steps - whether we need to do another donor cycle or if since I am on meds we might be able to get a frozen donor egg.  I suppose time will tell.  I would hate to have to be on the expensive meds for several weeks only to realize that neither embryo is viable the day of the transfer and then have to start all over again with the donor process.

As we face the next few weeks, I get the negative test, and then start my period, more blood work will be taken.  From there, we will begin the same timeline of active birth control pills and Lupron shots, leading to oral Estrace and progesterone injections and vaginal inserts.  My lining will be checked to ensure it is thick enough and then we should be able to transfer in about 7 days.

Here's to keeping everything positive yet realistic.  We WILL get this baby, in God's time.

another day...

Another supper!  My dear friend, Adrienne, asked if she could bring us a meal this evening.  The kids and Jacob ate while she was here, but I just wanted to catch up.  We haven't seen each other in many months (thanks, COVID).  Here sweet mama, Ms. Clare, is the one that I visit and help every once in a while at Westminster Canterbury.  The worst part is that I have not had the opportunity to visit her since March, either.  It was so wonderful to have a few minutes for some adult interaction and with one of the most beautiful souls I know.  Not only did she bring a delicious supper (London broil, rice, veggies, and dessert), she also brought a bunch of sunflowers to add to my collection of fresh flowers around the house.

Once Meade was done with her supper, she wanted to hang out with the gals and was smitten with Adrienne.  They are friends for life now - Meade even showed her the new Elsa lamp in her bedroom!  You know that is special!  For me, it was so nice to take a breath and chat - there is so much we have missed in each other's lives over the last several months.  This lady teaches me so much daily about being kind, practicing generosity, trusting faith, and believing in myself.  She is an angel in my world.  To see Adrienne and share time with her brought so much joy into my evening!

On her way out, a FedEx man delivered a package of flowers.  I had no idea where they were from, but I assumed work had sent them.  When I opened the box, a gorgeous arrangement was there from another sweet friend, Malissa.  Mal moved to Florida last year so we don't get to spend as much time together as I'd like, but we keep in touch quite often via text.  I couldn't believe that she was so sweet to send the flowers and I am so thankful.

The outpouring of love and support never ceases to amaze me!

utmost generosity

This evening, Maria brought over a spread for a delicious salad.  Veggies, chicken, and lots of extra fixin's that are splurging to us!  We are so thankful to have people like David and Maria here to support us.  Before leaving, she made sure that I understood they would be at my beckoning call for anything and everything.  She assured me that like so many others, they are unsure what to do and how to help so any and all offers will stand when we are ready to take them up on more meals, help with kids, transportation, whatever it may be.  So, so very kind!

Today was also Gregory's first day of school!  I went out to the end of the driveway to grab him off the bus, but the bus never came.  I started getting a little worried so I called school, trying not to be that overwhelming, crazy mom.  They told me that things are always out of whack the first few days - he would be there soon and if not, give it ten minutes before I called back.  Right then Ricky called and he and I talked for about 15 minutes while I stood at the end of the driveway, with no Gregory or bus in sight.  I called the school again and as they put me on hold to radio the bus, I had an incoming call from another line at the school.  When I answered, it was Gregory's sweet teacher telling me that the form I filled out last week specifically said he was to be picked up.  Oops.  I can tell you right now that I have NO IDEA what I put on those damned forms.  I was so out of it, but thought I hadn't missed a beat.  Beyond a few tears from me (for being mortified) and trying to explain that last week was really challenging, Gregory came out of the principal's office like he had had the best day in the world!  He said he thought he was riding the bus home and all I could say was that I made a mistake, it was a big one and I was sorry.  We have been trying to teach the kids that mistakes are inevitable and we apologize, fix the issue, and learn from it.  He acted like it was no big deal at all!  I mean, not every kid gets to stay late and play legos with the principal after school, right?  I am so thankful to the school for not letting on to Gregory that anything was awry and letting it all fall into place.  

Who knows what else I probably screwed up last week?  Only time will tell (and frankly, who cares!)...

a holiday weekend

Well, I had hoped to be thinking of laboring a baby during this time, not laboring conception material.  Now that I am feeling better, we made the most of it.  Some family friends came down to my parents Saturday and went out fishing with us – it was the best time!  Jacob and I brought the kids back home Sunday evening so that we could get all of the school preparation done today and try to resume our normal routine.  We took the kids on a nature walk this morning on the Pipeline Walkway and then Jacob took the kids to play tennis.  All in all, it was a great weekend in which I am just so damned thankful to be feeling better!

beyond nursing

Last night before I got in bed, I got a text from the nurse Lisa, just checking in to see how I felt.  I was baffled.  She reached out, well beyond normal business hours just to check in?  I couldn’t believe it.  I texted her back and let her know that I was doing wonderfully.  Minor cramping and bleeding, but I could live with that.  I don’t know what it was, but getting that little bit left out of my body did wonders for me.  It may have all been in my head, but I didn’t care – I took it and rolled with it.  Lisa followed up with the reminders of when to go to the ER and telling me to take care.  How amazing is that!?

oh catholicism

Disclaimer - both Bethany and I grew up in Catholic households so no disrespect here.  It is what it is.  Frankly, it is nice to make some sense of it but I am going to be ticked when the bill comes in!

When I spoke with Lisa earlier in the week and mentioned that if I was told to go to the ER for the extreme bleeding I had, why wasn’t anything done.  Lisa asked some questions and got right down to it – the light bulb went off.  I went to Memorial Regional, a Bon Secours facility – a Catholic organization.  The Catholic Church does not believe in abortions and technically a D&C is that, whether the baby is viable or not.  Now it made sense.  Further, now I know for the future.  Should we have to go through this heartache again and I experience the same, off to VCU I will go.

put a period on it

Today is the day I have been longing for since Sunday.  It is amazing how I wish my life away – I couldn’t wait for transfer, now I cannot wait for this.  Soon enough, I will be super impatient for the next transfer.  It goes on and on I suppose. 

The morning was our normal routine, however, I have taken the day off.  I did a few things for work and then called it a day.  I baked cookies and prepared a few things for a night away at my parents tonight.  Alison (my aunt and Godmother) was to come at 845 for the 940 appointment.  Alison was nervous to go in so I asked if she had to or if I just had to have someone drive me home.  That is all I needed.  I headed up to the Nelson Clinic and Alison went to her office to get some work done.

Once there, I had to fill out some additional paperwork and waited for a few minutes.  I put the Ativan in my cheek and started to get loopy.  Sandra, a sweet nurse, took me back and got my vitals.  In no time, I was in the procedure room accompanied by another wonderful nurse, Laurie.  A medical resident, Dr. Crutchfield came in and got some more information and explained to me the procedure that would take place.  Check out all of these items that I would soon have to endure!

Dr. Crutchfield returned with Laurie and Dr. Nelson (that was overseeing everything and doing the ultrasound (externally) to watch the procedure and ensure nothing was left behind.  It was pretty cool to see what they were doing.  As I figured I had passed everything – how could there be more? – I was shown that the gestational sac still remained.  The speculum was inserted, all was good.  Until I got the shot.  Holy shit did that shot of lidocaine into my uterus hurt like hell!  I tensed up and then my head started feeling strange.  I didn’t feel like I was going to pass out, but I asked if this was normal.  Dr. Nelson said that some people do feel the lidocaine in their head, which was strange, but not abnormal.  Also, she mentioned that many people get a metallic taste in their mouth.  How in the heck a shot in the uterus can make one taste something is beyond me, but oh well.  Then came another shot.  Thankfully, I didn’t feel that one.  The catheter was inserted and they were on my way for the MVA (Manual Vacuum Aspiration).  From what I have been told this is the procedure that is often given at Planned Parenthood for abortions.  I didn’t care.  We knew the embryo was no longer viable and I just wanted to feel better.  If this meant it was less time consuming and cheaper, I was all in. 

I asked a million questions and both doctors were more than willing to help me understand what was going on.  I love it when the clinicians welcome conversation to help educate dummies like me.  They were probably trying to keep me distracted, too.  Oh my gosh, then the pain started coming.  I begged them to stop, but they didn’t.  This was the vacuum getting all of the “conception material.”  The extreme pain literally only lasted 30 seconds or so but oh man did it hurt!  Then, they were done!  That was it?  I couldn’t believe it!  This is what they were able to remove.

From a conversation I had with Lisa yesterday, I learned that my insurance approved cytogenetic testing, which is great.  We will be able to understand from the conception material if there was any genetic abnormality with the embryo.  While I don’t think it will much matter with the two embryos that remain, it will be good to have the information, if there is any. 

I had to wait about 30 minutes for my vitals to be taken and then I was on my way.  I had texted my aunt and when I walked outside, she was on the corner waiting for me.  On the way back, I asked her to stop so I could get a diet coke and home I went!  I was still pretty loopy from the medicine so I laid down and took a little nap. 

I was told that if I bled more than 2 heavy pads an hour or had a fever of 100.4 (infection) I needed to get back to the ER.  More cramping and bleeding will be had over the next week or so and that is normal.

Jacob and I are on our way down to my parents house with the kids and frankly, I feel a ton better already!  Who knew?  If only I could have experienced this relief a little sooner.

prepping for the MVA

Lisa, a nurse from VCU called later this afternoon to go over my meds with me and ensure that I was ready for tomorrow.  She gave me the number to call when I got there so that the room was prepped and I would spend as little time as possible in the waiting area.  Tonight, I have to take antibiotics and nausea medicine to heed off any issues from the first meds.  Tomorrow, when I get there, I have to put an Ativan in my cheek and let that set in.  Also, Motrin was prescribed for pain afterwards.  I asked if I could take it proactively and Lisa said absolutely.  Crazily enough, Lisa also told me that the number she called on was her work cell phone and she will be there for any additional questions I have at any time.  This was really nice to know.

Jacob’s mother and her beau came over and brought supper to us.  It was so nice to have a fresh salad, delicious pizza and amazing brownies.  Most of all, it was nice to have the company.  I had to run out in the middle and grab Gregory from daycare (he had to stay late for the little ceremony that we could not attend).  Our village around here is so wonderful and Barbara has been more than supportive since day one.  I am so glad that we could get together and catch up!

So far, this evening has gone well.  As far as pain, it was minimal (with the exception of some crazy cramps earlier this afternoon) and the bleeding again not much until the evening – but nothing horrible.  We shall see what happens tomorrow! 

stepping back

I woke up with some pretty severe anxiety this morning.  I am not sure if it is because my parents aren’t here or if I am just over everything, probably a lot of both.  I am so hopeful for what tomorrow will bring but I think I’m nervous at the same time.  As I spent the morning preparing little gifts (the book I am Human) for Gregory and his classmates that are “graduating” from preschool tonight, I realized that I should not be so upset with the financial coordinator.  We all make mistakes and I need to take that into consideration.  Maybe instead of writing a letter to the manager, I should ask for a candid conversation to use as a learning opportunity verses her getting in trouble.  I wrote Kim an email and said just that.  After all – we are all human and we all make mistakes whether we admit it or not.  By the time Kim responded, she had mentioned that she had already forwarded my email to her manager and that she would be calling me before the end of the day.

I took a little break from work today to go and meet Gregory’s kindergarten teacher.  She was so delightful.  I really enjoyed her.  I think he will have a great year.  The distraction also helped a little bit on the anxiety front.  Back to work and back to the grind. 

Linda, the nurse manager did call me and express sincere apologies related to the frustrating situation with the financial coordinator.  I reiterated that maybe a quick conversation would be more impactful than her getting in trouble.  The manager said she would be happy to facilitate the conversation but asked that we wait until this week was over for me.  She happened to call right when I was cramping pretty bad and the Motrin had not yet kicked in.  I think I was out of breath from some of the pain and she seemed concerned, but I promised her I was okay.

overwhelming frustration

I must say that physically the day wasn’t so bad.  I am pretty much out of it.  Just plain exhausted.  Yes, there is cramping and bleeding but as long as it doesn’t get like Sunday or Monday nights I will be fine.  I put in a full work day again and waited for the financial coordinator to call.  I connected with Kim earlier in the day and asked if we had to wait any longer or if they could just put me on the schedule.  She noted that she had sent my insurance information to the scheduler in Richmond and that the D&C would have to be done at the hospital.  Beyond being billed by Shady Grove, my insurance would also be billed by the hospital’s anesthesiologist.  Who the hell cares?  Just get this shit out of me!  Kim was working with the scheduler to see if there was any way to get on the calendar for tomorrow.  Beyond the logistics, Kim was pissed that the coordinator continued to drop the ball.  It made me feel a little less needy knowing that I was not the only one getting really frustrated.  It was mentioned that the majority of the work that they do at SGF is time sensitive but a D&C is the most urgent to get scheduled and everyone knows that.

Mom and Dad again helped with the morning routine and also helped me get all of the trash to the dump (our truck is in the shop) and run an errand before my workday started at 730.  I took a “lunch” and we played some more ten thousand and then they headed home.  It was so sad to see them go, but I was so tired I wasn’t sure which end was up. 

 I was fit to be tied by the end of the day when again I had heard nothing from the financial coordinator.  In a rage of frustration, I emailed after the workday and let her know that I still had any communication from the coordinator and that I wanted to know who I should write a letter to.  We are all tired and out of our routine due to this mess, so tonight will definitely be an early night for each of us.  I guess it is safe to assume that since I haven’t heard of anything scheduled for tomorrow I will be waiting until Friday to get the evacuation done.  It will be okay – I have to keep telling myself that.