discovery

I had the opportunity to talk to another gestational carrier yesterday, via P's parents.  They have a family friend in which their son and his partner used a known GC to have a child.  It was such a wonderful conversation that strengthened my conviction in this endeavor.

This sweet lady was so open and honest about everything that that was huge.  She helped me to understand how she and her husband worked through this with the intended dads, how their four children were educated on the process, how the logistics of it all worked, and how beautiful of an experience it was.  Most importantly, she said she would 100% do it over again because it was just that awesome.

There was something else she said that resonated with me.  Everyone talks about how kind and selfless a compassionate carrier is.  What most do not understand is that carriers get so much more out of this process.  The satisfaction of carrying a child for someone else is something that very few get to experience and I know in my heart that I am doing this just as much for me as I am for B/P.  While some say GCs are selfless, there are selfish aspects of it.  I can't wait to experience the pure joy through other parents' eyes knowing I helped to make it happen.

home

Both of my parents have finally retired.  Their new phone number is listed as "home" in my phone.  Jacob and I have made a beautiful home and family to use it, but when we are all together at my parent's new house, it feels most like home.

We had the joy of going out on the bay, navigating the same waters I did so often as a child this past weekend.  The time to see the beauty of all around me and simply reflect was what I really needed.  I thought a lot about this journey, even openly talked to my parents about it a good bit.  Next summer, I want to be heading out to fish in the same waters, just with a little one in my belly.  

The peace that the Friday night boat ride and Saturday morning fishing trip brought me was more than I could ever ask for.  Beyond the peace, it I found confirmation that I am in the right place at the right time.  We are going to make this work and I am so excited for the future.

let's do this!

I had a great meeting with Dr. Nair this afternoon!  She was absolutely lovely and told me everything - the good and the bad.  Frankly, everything is good, but I will start with her upfront and candid statement.  Here is what she said: 

I meet a lot of people in your position.  The majority never make it to the transfer phase because for a myriad of reasons they do not drop the weight.  

By the end of the conversation, I think she also believed that we would be meeting each other in due time.  Dr. Nair could sense my motivation to make this work and ultimately my determination.  Here is some of what we learned:

• While I cannot go through transfer until I am under 35 BMI, we can start the screening process when I am around 200 pounds.  Screening involves diagnostic testing of the uterine lining as well as a saline ultrasound.
• Around that same time, we should engage legal to draw up an appropriate contract to protect everyone in the process.
• I will also go to my own OBGYN to have my IUD removed.
• Should I still be a candidate, I can begin a mock cycle for hormonal response.  If we get to this point and the there are no identifiable uterine abnormalities, I am a candidate for B/P to remain in the shared risk program.  
• Then the fun begins (so I have been told).

At this time, my immediate goals remain much the same:

• Focus on my own well being and weight loss.
• Start a prenatal vitamin.
• Research the right therapists for the psychological consultations.  There will be three sessions - one for Jacob and me, one for B/P, and one for the four of us.

Beyond having a good meeting, I really enjoyed Dr. Nair's spirit and optimism throughout the call.  I am really excited to have confirmation to proceed, even though we may have speed bumps along the way!  I will say that Dr. Nair feels that we will probably get to where we need to be in 6-8 months.  I am thinking 4 - we shall see!  Even though we didn't shake hands nor does she know my goal, I have accepted the challenge!

"Life is a gift, and if offers us the privilege, opportunity, and responsibility to give something back by becoming more." - Tony Robbins

a day to learn

Today is a day I have been looking forward to for two weeks now.  I get to have a call with B's fertility doctor to learn more about my viability and the process.  I have a host of questions to ask to find more comfort in the journey and also have Dr. Nair get comfortable with me.

B texted this morning to say she is saying prayers for a good meeting.  You know what's funny, I hadn't even begun to pray.  Honestly, I just know we are going to have a good discussion and it will solidify the path ahead.  Prayers are always appreciated and goodness I pray a LOT these days.  It just hadn't occurred to me that I should pray about today yet.  That said, I have since thanked God for today's opportunity as I look forward to getting a plan of action.

I do, however, have a beautiful token I am wearing today, a gift from B's parents.  I am not one to like receiving, but I am thankful for this as I know I have many, many angels up there on my side.  Disclaimer - I am not good at selfies and I haven't showered after the gym.  Look at this sweet gem that will be with me today and throughout the journey!!

I can't wait to provide an update later!!!

"It takes a dream to get started, desire to keep going and determination to finish."  - Eddie Harris, Jr.

i can't do it all

Yes.  I said it.  I cannot do it all.  Now, I must believe it.  Even through the tough times, I have to remember I cannot solve the worlds problems.

What I can do is remember the reason I embarked on this journey, keep my focus on that and the end result, and kick ass to lose this weight so we can get the party started. 

If I could, I would, heal everyone's pain.  But, I can't. 

"Don't ruin a new day by thinking about yesterday.  Let it go"

unsolicited support

I got the nicest note this week.  Even though I have met P's parents in passing a few times over the years, I don't know them well. 

This email touched me beyond words.  They offered their support and gratitude through the process:  "Your compassion and care reopened the pages to their story and gave new hope to their desire and longing to be parents."  This, my friends, is what it is all about.  We know it won't be quick and easy, but it will bring us all together closer as a unit and hopefully a sweet baby into this word. 

Beyond that, they shared a similar experience that a friend's son went through, which ended perfectly.  P's parents offered anything and everything through the process, so I asked if I could speak to those people and maybe even their GC if they were open to it.  I'd love to hear from others that have walked this path and hear their positive thoughts along with the real experience and tough times it can bring.  Together, I know we can come out with the same outcome.

I swear I say it all the time, but my heart is so full.  I never imagined that an offer would turn into something so beautiful and I expect that many months down the road we will have a celebration like no other!

"Make the world a bit better or more beautiful because you have lived in it."  - Edward W. Bok

are there more babies in there?

This morning, I had a sweet experience with Gregory.  After banging on his wall while I was in the shower, I went in there to get him up.  He quickly told me he put the baby pictures in the bed with him.  (We have to pictures in his room, framed, from the hospital when he was born.)  He asked a few questions - Was this when I was still in your belly?  How did I come out?  Was Meade in there with me?  I can't even remember what else he asked, until said - Are there any more babies in there?  I quickly responded with a no and explained that our family is now complete.

Then, I got to thinking about this journey. Gregory doesn't forget ANYTHING, so I will have some explaining to do, I hope, in a few months!  I'm up for that challenge 110%!  Just had to share this because the children definitely remember more than I do most days. 

As far as the actual journey goes, not much has been going on. I still have my meeting with B's fertility doctor next week, which I am so looking forward to.  I have tons of questions and I am sure she has the same for me.

I am simply thankful to be on this road and getting healthier as time goes on!

blessed

A couple of nights ago, I got into bed before 8 as I typically do.  I laid there and had a rush of emotions running through my mind.  I have never been in such a good place.  I am so damned happy.  My life is wonderful.  I tried to call my parents and thank them for everything they provided growing up, but most importantly instilling in me values that still matter.  I hope that one day my children will think of Jacob and me as I do them. 

In this moment of overwhelming joy, I also sent a note to B letting her know that all is really good and that I am determined to make this work.  Her response, which I saw yesterday morning, was "P.S. You've changed my life."  That is not what I was going for here (at least not yet).  Obviously, I do want to change her and P's lives, bringing a sweet baby home to love, but I never imagined I would have impact already. 

When all is said and done, if everything works or if it doesn't, my hope is that the world is a little brighter because of this journey.  I hope that someone thinks about doing something kind for someone else because they want to, not because it is expected.  I hope families are brought together out of difficult times to realize there is so much more that life has to offer. 

I can tell you - my life is already brighter.  And, on an really bright side, my body is lighter.  I weighed in today after a week and I am down four pounds from last week.  While I am thrilled, I also don't want to lose it too fast because that can be unhealthy too.  The work at the gym is paying off!

And at the end of today, like every day, I plan to "keep fucking going."

the art of waiting

"Because we spend much of our young lives imagining ourselves as parents, it isn't surprising that even the strongest of us let the body's failure become how we define ourselves.  But life, which gives us other things to do, tells us otherwise.  The feeling of grief subsides; we think through our options and make choices."

This is an excerpt from a book I read three years ago.  A childhood family friend is a lovely author and when her newest book The Art of Waiting, came out, I jumped on the chance to own a copy.  Funny enough, I had not had any infertility issues and was pregnant with my second child that completed our family.  I went to a public reading in which the author, Belle, was making her rounds to different areas signing copies.  I must've been about 15 weeks pregnant (a secret only Jacob and I knew at the time) accompanied by my mom.  As Belle read her own words, the heartache of what she and her husband endured was conveyed in her tone more than it was in the words coming out of her lips.

I felt almost guilty being pregnant and reading this book, however, it gave me perspective.  Perspective to be thankful and truly understand others' struggles with infertility.

Now, it seems to come full circle.  My body has become an option to offer someone else the joy of motherhood.  If this option is not a viable one, it will have helped the grief subside so that the next option (potentially adoption) can be explored.  As I write this, I realize the make up of that word - from the verb adopt, in the form of a noun:  ad-option.  Another option.  Again, full circle.  If it doesn't work out with me as their gestational carrier, they can close this chapter and open another, the next one.

motivation

B has been asking what she can do to help me lose weight.  Well, I am pretty damned determined so I don't think there is much I need beyond staying in my current mindset.  However, motivation to keep pushing is always welcome!  Yesterday morning I woke up to two packages at the front door with these items!

I have never been one to keep up a food/exercise journal.  I had never had a blog until now either.  So, I am going to give it a whirl!  I did not exercise yesterday but I am not disappointed.  Sometimes we need a little break.  Saturday, Gregory and I went for a walk (or "race") as he called it through the neighborhood.  It was good to spend some one on one time with him while getting exercise in!

Started the week off right this morning - 2 miles on the treadmill accompanied by my new water bottle!

reflection of faith

Yesterday I attended the funeral of a wonderful man.  A man who was the father to a great friend who is more like a brother.  I think this was the first time I have prayed with a minister in a long time (probably since the last funeral I went to!).  I remember always extending my prayer before and after the minister, asking for peace, strength and sometimes the materialization of other items that really didn't matter.

Yesterday was different.  I feel strong.  I feel at peace.  There is really nothing I need more than motivation to keep focused on my weight loss and be all I can be throughout the process.  I experienced a pretty profound moment when I simply thanked God.  I didn't ask for strength.  I didn't ask for peace.  I didn't mention anyone else.  I just thanked God over and over and over, for nothing specific.  But for everything.  It was pretty crazy to be in the moment and be comfortable just thanking him for all of the blessings already provided and the ones on the way. 

I may have said this before - I am no "holy roller," but man does it feel good to be more grounded.  To be more open.  To have a stronger relationship.  One that doesn't depend on anyone else.  Doesn't rely on the "rules" of any denomination.  Doesn't need the support of a dwelling.  Doesn't have a congregation that is really politically driven.  Oh man, it was so nice to know that I have God and I have the best support I could ever ask for - those around me because we want to be together, not because it is Sunday morning.

my children

To fill you in, I have the most precious gifts myself - a four year old boy, Gregory and a two year old girl, Meade.  They are a handful but make my and Jacob's lives complete.  These children teach me more than I could ever try to learn on my own each and every day.  They are crazy, beautiful souls that test me to my limits but provide me the utmost joy.

They are beyond stubborn, just like me - oh the battles we have!  They can be the most loving and sweet, gentle children I have ever experienced.  Their contagious laughter can light up the darkest day.  Gregory is hesitant and fearful most of the time.  Meade is fearless - she is nuts!  They bicker over everything but are always making sure the other is close by - maybe so they can be sure to start the next argument.  They both have a strong will about them that gets so frustrating to even try and reason with.  They love being outside and on rainy days we all get a little miserable.  They live for adventure, always wanting to know what is next and where will we be.  Although very different shades of blue, their eyes pierce anyone they meet in different ways.  Both are simply bad at school some days.  I can overlook the bad.  What bothers me is when they are disrespectful.  Every day is a challenge in some form or another.  Challenges I'd much rather face head on than never get to experience.

They are truly two of a kind - and ours.  We wouldn't have it any other way.  We have our turmoil, we have joys - most of all, we have each other.  This my friends, this experience of parenthood is why I write.  I want to try to help another sweet couple be able to realize the same.

One of Jacob's first questions about this whole endeavor is how will we explain it to the children?  Well, funny he asked.  I also have started to form the right words already and it is not much more than how I talk to them every day on the way to school.  We are part of this world to be kind to others.  If conception happens and my belly begins to grow, I hope they remember one thing, that I was being kind to someone in their time of need.  I was able to offer a safe place for a beautiful baby to grow so two other wonderful people could be parents just like I am to you all.

If my kids grow up to be kind individuals, I think I will have succeeded in the role of being their parent.  If they remember this gesture as they grow old and seek out to also do kind things for others, even if it is just holding a door open, smiling, and having good manners, I am a happy mama.  Maybe it will inspire them to do even more, which will make my heart so very full.

the time is now

While I am prepping for the future, I am putting behind the past and living in the moment.  I am doing my best to make the right decisions that will help further this process along and make me a healthier human being, focusing on my mental and physical health, being all I can do my husband and children.  Today was a little daunting going back into the gym for the first time in months, but I DID IT!

Of course, I want things and I want them now, but I am very happy with the way that B's appointment turned out yesterday.  As far as next steps go, I have a meeting with B's MD September 18th to chat about everything and I have asked that she also call my OB before she leaves VWC and moves to VCU (September 20th).  So far, the clinical coordinator at SGF knows I mean business.  I mean, I have gotten an award at work for execution.  I can't wait to win this one, too.  The prize here will be a beautiful little soul rather than some plaque on my desk!

Throughout this process, I am learning a TON about myself.  I have never been so open and honest with any life-changing journey so early in the game.  I am ready to be more candid with everyone because the more people that know the more support that can be realized.  None of this will be easy, but the time is now to make a difference in my own health to ultimately create the opportunity of parenthood for B/P!

good news or good news?

When B asked when she could call, I was super nervous.  As soon as I heard her say hello, I could hear her smiling from the other end.  Must be good news! 

First, I am a viable option.  There will be many more logistics and hoops to go through, but the MD was pleased with my records. She is going to schedule some time to chat with me and also call my OBGYN to discuss things further.  That said, we have been given the go ahead to keep going!

Second, I have to lose a considerable amount of weight.  About double what I have lost so far to have my screenings done. Well, as my brother said to me last week - you are the most stubborn and determined person I know so I have no doubt it will all work.  There are so many silver linings with this information. 

• I will get physically healthier for me and my family and for this process.  Even if I don't pass the testing down the road, I will be better off for having lost the weight.
• We will all have more time to wrap our heads around everything.  Things have moved really quickly thus far and while I am thankful (and so impatient), we really do need time to figure it all out.
• B/P will have better opportunities to apply for financial grants at the beginning of next year.  Most of them just took their second round of applications and timing just wasn't right.
• I will have so many people to help hold me accountable to this weight loss and the utmost support to get it done over the next several months.

No matter the little patience I have, this is for the best for a multitude of reasons and I am so grateful.  

On top of all of this, B got the card and bracelet I sent her this morning (so thankful considering the blue PO box I put it in last week was broken into with a crowbar).  And, for those of you that don't curse, I have a potty mouth. So if you want to keep reading - be warned now.  We are all going to stay positive for now and "keep fucking going" just like the bracelet says!

what will we learn?

This morning, I woke up with a clear mind and an optimistic heart.  I know that no matter what is heard today, everyone will be okay. 

On the other hand, I woke up thinking that maybe the MD will read my charts and realize that although there are risks with someone at my BMI, I conceived my two, beautiful children at greater weights than I am today and had physically healthy pregnancies.  Maybe, just maybe, they will let us proceed sooner than we thought?  Who knows!?  All I know is that this is in hands that are above all of us, but also hands that have touched all of us. 

We shall see.  I will be sure to share the outcome with our families that are willing to read.  The post later today might be the last post, but also may be the first as this journey truly begins.  Thank you for reading regardless! 

is it possible?

The possibility of it all - the viability of me being a gestational carrier - now or a few months down the road should be discussed tomorrow!  Of course, a lot of this depends upon the MD's ability to review all of my pregnancy/delivery records prior to B/P's appointment.  Things escalated quickly when their appointment was moved up 3ish weeks, but being the impatient person I am, I am quite okay with the scheduling change!

I am very excited thinking about it all, but I would be lying if I said I was not nervous.  After all, tomorrow, we should know that this is not an option and B/P can move on with figuring out their next best step and the rest of the world is a little brighter because a few families joined as one to support each other as everything was explored.  Or (crossing my fingers), we hear that we can continue to proceed assuming no risks are identified through additional testing. It is quite possible that I can be a candidate but cannot proceed until I lose a substantial amount of weight, which is okay, too.  I am up for that challenge and they will see us back a few months down the road!

It really is a win-win and I am thankful to know anything sooner rather than later.  If you think about it, send up some thoughts of strength and peace for both B/P as they go into tomorrow with tons of questions in hopes for positive answers with clarity on next steps!

unspoken consent

I have had the most beautiful opportunity to learn, love, and adore a sweet soul over the past 6+ years.  This lady is a confidant, a friend, and someone I hold so dear to my heart.  I was introduced to Ms. Clare as hired help as she dealt with dementia and Parkinson's disease.  As time as progresses, I still get to see Ms. Clare a couple times a month and each time my love for her grows stronger.  Beyond my relationship with her, I am blessed to also call her daughter such a dear friend as well.  As we go throughout the campus, I get so giddy when people ask about my mom and sister (Ms. Clare and her daughter).  Sometimes I correct them, sometimes I smile and answer the questions as if we are immediate family.  Regardless, I feel honored that someone would think of me so highly.

During our times together, Ms. Clare rarely says a word.  Her expressions, though, say more than she ever could say with her mouth.  If she is awake when I arrive, I can typically get a smile which warms my heart to the core.  Very rarely these days she will ask how I am, but when she does, it is so special.  I know she always cares, but the words don't often come out. 

Yesterday I knew I wanted to share this journey with her.  Because she doesn't speak much at all and when she does they are very quick and basically salutations, I have confided in Ms. Clare for many years.  I tell her what I am thinking and her eyes offer their support, approval or discontent.  Let me tell you, it is fairly easy to know what she is feeling by her beautiful eyes.  As I explained to her what we were researching to see if the option was viable, she went from staring off into space to looking directly at me like I had eighteen heads.  This made me giggle, but that was her, you always know where you stand. 

When I finished telling Ms. Clare how everything works if it goes well, I then asked for her support.  She had gone back to looking at something else and seemed pretty disengaged.  I asked her yes or no many times, always offering her a pause to blink or tell me how she felt.  Nothing.  Maybe this wasn't the right time to tell her or maybe she wasn't interested in learning more.  Maybe she didnt't think it was a good idea.  I don't know.  I explained further how we will not proceed if there are any risks to my health but that we have to try.  Again, I asked her yes or no with pauses.  Again, nothing.

In hopes to get a rise, I said - fine, do you just think I am flipping crazy?  With that she turned looked straight at me, blinked her eyes (which is usually a yes), and gave a very faint smile.  I confirmed that I am very crazy, but we all know that and that will never change.  Then, looking into her eyes, I asked her if she would support me on this journey.  Yes?  No?  Yes?  As tears welled in her eyes she blinked after the second yes.  I was beyond touched.  Ms. Clare doesn't speak much but less than that does she show emotion.  I got pretty emotional, thanked her, kissed her, wiped one lone tear from her right eye and thanked God for bringing this woman into my life.  The verdict was in - I am crazy and Ms. Clare is supportive.  I must say we got a few stares from the other older folks around but I could have cared less.  The short experience we shared just then was more than I could ever ask for.

The quiet bond between us is something I will cherish forever, as is the moment I had with my dear, sweet Ms. Clare yesterday.