angel reminders

Everywhere I go these days, I am reminded of the the beauty, kindness, and love around me.  Over my mantle now resides this gorgeous angel that Bethany gave me at the shower.  No picture could ever do it justice and it is perfectly fitting for what we've endured together.  

These reminders help to keep everything in perspective even when I want to call it a day.  I am getting to the really uncomfortable time during pregnancy.  After supper, it takes all I have to stay with the rest of the family and not get in bed at 6pm.  I find it so hard to get comfortable anywhere I sit and I am too tired to get other things done.  Jacob is really stepping it up in the evenings.  I am so thankful for him, but also have a short fuse.  Things are getting tougher, which we all expected.  I am so thankful to be here at 30 weeks beyond excited and exhausted at the same time!

words of meaning

When I was at the shower last weekend, Bethany read aloud a poem she had written for me.  It was beautiful and more than I ever could have expected - better than any gift that can be received.  I wanted to share that with you.  Cue the tears...

This story starts with sadness and crushing grief,

I'll never get pregnant, it was a soul wrenching belief.

Months went by and my heart hurt like hell,

I walked among the world like an empty shell.

I couldn't muster the strength to consider another option, 

I needed time to heal before considering adoption.

Tucked in my email was a message that caught my eye,

"Just an offer" was the title, my intrigue was high.

Julia Meade expressed her sadness for what we'd been through, 

She offered to carry our pregnancy, God told her this she could do.

As my mind registered the message, my heart began to soar,

I knew immediately her offer, was one I wanted to explore.

And so we became a team, two women on a mission.

Jacob and Phillip fully on board, they gave us no opposition.

Speaking of Phillip, he was amazingly excited.

He thought he would never have his own child and was beyond delighted.

Julia Meade got to work - this woman is seriously amazing.

She got questions answered, her determination ablazing.

She was on top of everything and moved us quickly along.

After only five months we were approved and going strong.

Throughout the next hear we had setbacks and loss,

Pandemic and miscarriages all difficult to cross.

But all along, Julia Meade stayed steady and strong-willed.

She knew this journey was her purpose, she was fulfilled.

Even at times, when my hope waned and faltered

She'd remind me of her commitment - it was never altered.

You see, Julia Meade is a woman made of fiery grace,

In her expansive love, you always have a place.

At times I fell down, hopeless and depleted,

But she kept me going, "We got this," she repeated.

Now my dear friends, comes the greatest part,

What started in grief is now a hopeful beating heart.

Julia Meade, there are not enough Thank You's I could ever say,

But you are now my family and and in my heart you'll stay.

Thank you my angel, my sister, my friend,

I love you immensely, our bond will never end.

Hearing this and reading several times since gets me every darned time.  I couldn't be happier to be in this moment right now with Bethany and Phillip.

unveiling my wish

I wanted to share with everyone what my finished product was that I gave Bethany and Phillip for little girl's room when she goes home.  This baby has been my wish for two years and their wish for almost quadruple that.  I felt compelled to paint a dandelion.  I was always told growing up to make a silent wish before I blew the seeds away.  It never dawned on me how much prayer, hope, and wishful thinking has gone into this process - more than I have ever yearned for.  

Once this sweet girl enters the world, I hope, pray, and wish that she dreams big and never settles.  What would be the point in that?

sweet enough

Today I had the pleasure of drinking the orange syrup (puke!) and wait around for the blood test at the doctor.  I must say that I don't remember the orange flavor, which isn't near as bad as the grape I recall previously.  The thickness of it is what got me, though.  Plus, trying to drink it quickly (literally in like 10 seconds) so the many many burps that followed were lovely.  

Bethany and I got to Facetime as we talked to Dr. C about everything.  My BP was great as were my belly measurements.  The heartbeat was right around 130 so perfect!  I did gain three pounds - ugh, I blame it on the delicious baby shower but Dr. C was not at all concerned.  There was the question of a tubal ligation after delivery which I am giving more thought now than ever before.  I don't think I can go through this again, but even if I did, my own tubes aren't necessary.  I don't know what to do honestly.  I think my worst fear is that it would mess me up hormonally and I definitely don't want that.  I suppose this just means that I need to up my research game!

The best news was that we got a message on the portal late tonight that all lab results were perfect.  No concern for gestational diabetes here nor any other issues that could be indicated with blood work!  Woohoo!  Thankfully, I have not had any blood sugar issues with any pregnancy.  

ultimate socializing

I have never been one of those to hide from being in the middle of the action.  These days, I sometimes cringe at the thought of crowds and/or making small talk.  I am not sure if this is a result of my new normal since COVID - just being less and less social, or if this could be a result of the pregnancy and the toll that the hormones take on my emotional/mental state.  Either way, I am still pretty tired from the shower yesterday, but I couldn't have asked for a better time!

That said, now is as great a time as any to share the news to the rest of the world.  Bethany and Phillip asked if they could mention it all on Facebook and frankly I was delighted.  The vast amount of kudos, love, and support gained through these Facebook posts is crazy.  I am so proud of us and our determination!  And this, my friends, is how they chose to let the world know - how perfect is this?!

two years in

When I think about the fact that we are two years (to the day) of my initial offer, it is hard to believe.  Even harder to fathom is the fact that we are only ten weeks away from accomplishing our mission!  Of course, when we started all of this, I figured that even with the many hoops to jump through that we'd have a baby within a year.  God laughed at that thought!

Who cares?  Here we are and everything is in His time, His perfect time, regardless of what we had thought.  The trials and tribulations faced are all part of the process of growth that I must've needed.  Perspective is a funny thing and sometimes we have to be taught in difficult ways.

Through the move, the job change, and everything else going on these days, I was able to provide these two favors for the shower that seemed to go over well.  Creating - it is my passion.

a perfect day

Today was simply perfect from my perspective.  I hope that Bethany feels the same.  While I am still on high and have gotten over some discomfort for being celebrated more than I wished, I think that Christen, Antonia, Cheryl, and Maria outdid themselves to make every little detail perfect in every way. 

Albeit masks on, which made it somewhat difficult for me to breathe at times, it was wonderful to meet so many of Bethany's friends and learn the stories of their friendships.  The overwhelming amount of food was all delicious!  Christen even went above and beyond to make sure I had a diet coke while everyone else celebrated with champagne - as they should have!  The setting of Antonia's home was lovely and the perfect spot to make the shower so special.  

The little touches are what made it so memorable for me.  Throughout the house (even in the bathroom), there were pictures of different stops along the journey.  From appointments together, to snapshots of our facetimes with different doctors, to the gender reveal party, and many poignant places in between, everyone could see the lengthy ride we have been on together.  Another amazing detail was the beautiful watercolor that Bethany's mom had done.  It was an elephant holding many balloons.  At the bottom, it said something along the lines of "we wish you..." and each guest was to write one word and sign their  name in a balloon.  I loved this idea and Cheryl's talent is just amazing!

To get the party started, I was asked to wear a sash that said "Making a Miracle."  So sweet, but a little overwhelming for me.  I promised to put it on and take a few pictures but I really wanted the day to be about Bethany and Phillip - not me.  After a little mingling and eating, we all sat down to watch Bethany open her gifts.  What I didn't know was that I would be the first one showered with gifts.  Christen gave a speech that was very special and made sure that I was profusely thanked.  There wasn't a dry eye after that.  Little did we know that the water works were really about to start.  Bethany stood and read a poem that she had written for me.  I will share that at a later date.  I couldn't help but boohoo like nobody's business and with the mask, I was trying my best not to gasp for air too awkwardly.

Then, I was presented with the most beautiful angel painting and picture frame about surrogacy that held a picture of Bethany and me.  I was presented with other gifts, too, but was told I could open them later - thank goodness.  We really needed to get the show on the road and focus on Bethany!

Bethany received so much love and even more gifts from all that attended.  It was nice to see that many of the practical items were given!  When I presented my painting and a sterling silver c bracelet made by my aunt, my heart beamed with pride.  While not practical, they are gifts from the heart with lots of meaning.  I think everyone liked them and I hope they will be proudly displayed in due time.

The ride home was a breeze once I got through Quantico (prior to that, it was pretty rough).  I came home elated but exhausted, still trying to take all of the beauty of the day in.  I have a lot more to update you on, but that is for another day.  I need some rest!

excitement ahead

I have gotten up to NoVA to have breakfast with my dear friends.  Of course, I am pretty early, so I decided to take a few minutes to write.  I have landed in this beautiful, quaint town of Occoquan for a lovely meal at the Secret Garden Cafe.  It is hot as Hades out here, but when I noticed there was a river walk, I decided to take a moment to take advantage.  See this beautiful view!  

Even though I am sweating profusely, the peace that this quite time brings is much needed.  I feel like I was a kid on Christmas and sleep eluded me a bit last night.  Catching some of this AC in the car before meeting with my friends and onto Alexandria for the festivities.

I am so excited for what the day holds.  I cannot wait to give lots of hugs and of course give the painting I did for baby girl.  I am so ready for Bethany to be showered as she has deserved for entirely too long.  

mixed emotions

I am really excited for Saturday and the baby shower to celebrate Bethany and Phillip.  Since we began taking strides to make this a reality, Bethany and I both have mentioned how we could see us together a baby shower long down the road to prepare for the special occasion.  It doesn't seem real that that day is almost here.  There is no one more deserving to be spoiled for the birth of a baby more than Bethany.  She and Phillip have endured so much heartache and their opportunity at a family is finally coming to fruition (crossing my fingers and holding my breath that nothing strikes us down in these last few months).  

On the other hand, I am a bit nervous.  I want this day to be all about Bethany and hopefully I am there just to be like any other guest.  At least that is my hope.  All of the families have done more than enough to celebrate me and this day is not about me so I hope that is clear.  Conversely, I suppose that I worry about being "on display."  I know that sounds awful, but it is just something that I think about.  I believe that I have been around the families enough that I will just be another person but to some of the friends that I have yet to meet, I hope everything is cool and calm and the focus remains on Bethany at all times.

My sincerest hope is that I can sit down a little bit and give Bethany and Phillip the opportunity to feel their sweet little girl move.  She is a wiggle worm and they should be able to experience that regardless of who is carrying their bundle of joy.  

I have the favors complete and will be baking tomorrow to add a little something sweet for everyone to take home.  I know I say it all the time, but the fact that we are 28 weeks is just surreal and I am so excited to be drawing closer to the finish line with each day!  

chatting it up

Last night Bethany and I spoke for the first time in weeks.  I knew that they had been reeling in grief over the loss of Lucy and I didn't want to bombard them unnecessarily.  Obviously, if I needed something, I would have been more persistent, but I wanted to give them their time and be respectful of the process they are going through.  I did get a little nervous after a quick text Friday and another Saturday that weren't responded to.  So, I said heck with it and gave her a call.  In my mind, she was pissed at me for who knows what and wasn't going to speak to me.

Little did I know that Bethany and Phillip were able to get away for a few days, turning one of his work trips into some downtime for just the two of them. They desperately needed that time as they continue to think about Lucy, get everything ready for the move down to Chesterfield, and of course prepare for the baby to come just a couple of weeks after that.  

It was great to know that we were still on the same page with everything and she wants to sit down and speak further about the after-birth plan - how long do baby and I stay in the hospital?  What are my needs as I heal from surgery?  Things like that that really don't matter to me but it is appreciated that they want to be respectful of me even as they adapt to life as family of three.  Frankly, I don't know how it works for discharge.  My ideal state would be that we are discharged at the same time, but since I am undergoing surgery, I may have to stay in the couple of nights.  From the baby's perspective, I am assuming that if there is nothing wrong, they should be able to leave after lesser time, as if the baby was delivered vaginally.  I am really not sure of this, though, and told her to speak with a pediatrician that may know better.  The other thing I am unsure of is if there are any items of the pre-birth order that must be completed before the hospital will discharge to Bethany and Phillip.  I know they are working on all of that with the attorney so she may be able to better guide them in that regard, too.

All in all, it was a great conversation and we are both so excited yet both somewhat holding our breath at the same time.  We will get to see each Saturday at the shower, so that will be a nice time to celebrate her but also be together!

preparing the plan

If you were to ask me about a birthing plan before I had Gregory, I would have told you I didn't have one.  I have seen so many people stress out that their "plan" didn't go as hoped and devastation ensued.  That just seemed silly to me.  I vowed to go in with no expectations so as not to be disappointed and just wanted us both to be healthy in the long run.  With Meade, it was much the same but I prayed that the epidural would work so that I could be awake for the birth.

With little Flower, it is much the same as with Meade.  I just want to be awake and there not be any medical issues so that everyone can be in the operating room as discussed.  With COVID ramping back up, I think we all worry a little bit about hospital changes and those that can be in the delivery.  My hope is that this unique situation will still be able to outlast any COVID protocol.  

Even though Dr. C has made it clear that all four of us can be in the delivery room (of course if nothing medically goes awry), I want to have this in writing with the hospital so everyone is in the know.  My fear is that we have it all set up for the scheduled cesarean but we end up going in labor early and those at the hospital at that time are not aware.  

I reached out to the VCU Social Worker's number I had obtained 1.5 years ago.  The lady I got ahold of didn't know much and really didn't understand the situation.  Oh, well, I left a message with her and she was going to get someone to call me back.  In the meantime, a friend that I grew up with has recently moved from L&D at one hospital to be an RN manager in the Mother Infant Unit at VCU.  I thought it couldn't hurt to see if she could get something in writing for us.  Last weekend she and I texted back and forth and she said that while it is normal protocol for the one delivering to have one person for support and that the Intended Parents can also be in the room, she understood the desire to have it all written down.  She said that the social worker I spoke to probably hadn't had this come up before but that she would get it all taken care of and email me confirmation.

I haven't received that confirmation yet, but I didn't want to be too bothersome.  I know that urgent things come up all of the time and since we are at least a couple of months (I hope) out, this situation needs no escalation.  I got a phone call from VCU this afternoon and it was someone at the Nelson Clinic stating that they had gotten my name and number from the social worker and didn't understand my ask.  I told her what I have explained her and she basically said she was not the right person because she deals with outpatient matters, not inpatient ones.  I let her know that I was already working with my friend, Becca, and she was going to connect with her to make sure everything was in place.  

I suppose the balls are rolling and I am just not in the know yet, which is okay.  I have enough junk going on with the new job - that is for sure!  Thankfully, I have been feeling well!  I get tired and uncomfortable but who doesn't as they approach the third trimester!

many milestones

Today we met the 27 week mark!  That means we only have 12 weeks to go!  Here are some stats of the baby's growth at this time:

I also walked 4.3 miles this morning, which I haven't gone above 3.5 in months (and the number of times over 3 is not many).  I finished my first week in my new role at work - so far so good!  Lastly, our beloved Studley house closed today - yippee!

So much wonderful - all around us.  I took about 20 minutes today to ride over to Studley and say my goodbyes.  In addition to leaving a note and cookies for the new family, I popped my head in every room, thanking God via prayer for all of the amazing memories we will cherish forever.  It was bittersweet.  As I looked down at my belly, I showed gratitude for the decision that Jacob and I made within those walls to be a part of this experience.  I fondly remember when I had finally lost the weight and was approved for the Shared Risk Program and all four of our families came to celebrate in that lovely home.  I thought about how we brought Meade home from the hospital there, completing our family.  I couldn't help but think of how in a few short months, Bethany and Phillip will experience the same with their new baby in their new home.  

I am in awe.  I am full.  Had anyone told me 3 years ago that this is where I would be today, I would have laughed in their face.  However, here we are and I have never been more content.  Life may be crazy, but I have to take a minute to soak it in and find the beauty that is always present.

showered with precaution

I received a mass text from Bethany last night asking that all attendees for the shower wear a mask while inside due to the rampant delta variant that is impacting all of the US.  The tone of the message seemed a little off, so I connected with Bethany this morning.  She sounds stressed over it all.  When I reached out, I was hoping she wasn't experiencing too much anxiety about the shower, which she confirmed.  

However, she did express that she is concerned about the birth, which I completely understand.  I tried to help with her concerns in that even if only one person is allowed in the operating room with me, I do not need Jacob and would prefer her to be there.  It is not ideal and I want all three of them in the room, I think that Bethany is the most important if we had to put this ridiculous ranking system in place.

I do fear that we are headed for another shut down and I pray that everything will work out for the delivery and the time thereafter in the hospital.  No matter what, it will still be the most beautiful experience and everyone sharing time with the sweet girl will happen as the situation is safe enough to do so.  I do plan on calling the social worker at VCU just to get an idea of what we can get approved for today (in writing) knowing it may change as COVID protocol changes.  We shall see what they say.

a final product

Today, I was able to wrap up the final touches (basically the hardware and such) of my gift to Bethany, Phillip, and their gal.  I am pleased with the way it has all turned out and cannot wait to present it to them.  At that time, I will share it with you all.  For a little teaser, here is the note on the back: 

In the meantime, I think it is pertinent to update you all with how I am feeling.  I was able to finish the month with just over 50 miles again - thank goodness.  I feel so much better when I keep a good exercise routine.  For the most part, I feel pretty well.  If I don't, it can typically be attributed to eating something delicious, yet unhealthy.  My body is starting to get more physically uncomfortable as the baby grows.  Par for the course, no sense in complaining about it with so much time yet to go.  As supper time arrives, it takes all I have not to get in bed before 7pm.  That's not super early for me, but I try to help with the kid routine before calling it a night myself.  Thank goodness for Jacob - he really is picking up the slack to help get the kids off to bed when it is time. 

Happy and thankful!  We are another day closer to meeting this girl we've all prayed for for entirely too long!