limited fucks

Jacob and I had my cousin, Christopher, and his wife, Angie, over for supper and games yesterday evening.  We didn't even eat supper, frankly.  We had plenty of snacks though!  It was such a great time being with them, completely open and honest, having fun all at the same time.  

One thing I learned from them was what Christopher often says, "this isn't worth a fuck."  Maybe this will be my new mantra to focus on what really matters.  When we think about life, we have a limited amount of fucks to give.  The next situation we face may not be worth a fuck.  Make sense?  It definitely resonated with me!

I wish I could stop worrying over Meade.  I cuss Ricky all the time for dying (like it was his fault) because I think that the grief is what has made her very strong-willed self more difficult to work with.  These next two weeks we need to see vast improvement in order to keep her in the preschool program.  I know she can do it, but will she?  There's no telling and until I have to worry about it, I need to just breathe.

Oh Meade - a clingy gal that blurts out and makes less than great decisions one hundred percent of the time and talks about death turned into we can no longer support the kid that is grieving and trying to figure out life. But they can do that. This is a very privileged opportunity. If Meade takes up too much time, those that are there for the services they receive due to diagnoses are unable to get the attention they deserve. I get it. I’m torn.

Everything in me says take her out. Remove her now. My mind and my heart agree. Fuck money. Things will get worse and I’ll be stressed out each day wondering if she is too bothersome and it’s the final straw. Get her scheduled to start in a week or two. Wing it in the meantime.  This makes it easier on me, not her, which is doing Meade an injustice.  I will do my best to take it as it comes and see how the virtual meeting with Meade and her teachers goes tomorrow.  I'm holding on tight and bracing for the ride!

fabulous friday

Hah, if only!  It feels like I am failing everything in my life, with the exception of work.  I have been thanked several times this week for what I have done and told that I am doing a great job.  However, at home, I feel as though I am failing in my marriage and failing more so as a parent.  How do I overcome this feeling and just get my shit together so that I can be the best I can be for everyone?

It is no one else’s fault in Meade’s program that she has been through so much and has trouble controlling herself.  It is not my fault.  It is not my fault.  I have written that and erased it several times because I want to take blame.  The situations were not in my control – it is not my fault.  While I cannot be blamed for what has happened, I have not always thought coherently about how to address what we have been through as a family and done enough to ensure my children have the appropriate coping mechanisms to move forward responsibly.  

As my Nanny used to say “this is an age, stage, or phase and this too shall pass.”  Please pass.  I am begging we get through this as quickly as possible because I am on the verge of breaking.  School doesn’t care though.  They don’t care if I am fragile.  If the kids are fragile.  That’s not true. Gregory’s teacher has gone above and beyond to help.  The preschool program doesn’t care.  But why should they?  It is a privilege for Meade to be there and she is taking away from the other student’s success because she is requiring so much support.

I did get an opportunity today to connect with the lead teacher.  I tried to be as honest as possible without placing blame on anyone but myself.  That said, I can't address items to improve upon if I am not aware they are going awry.  This teacher understood my desire to have a conference with Meade in the room.  She suggested a zoom call, which I would be fine with.  We will get that set up for early next week and give Meade two more weeks to improve.  We both are committed to working hard, in tandem, to make Meade successful.  However, there has to be a date in which we need to pivot if necessary.

I have scheduled two daycare tours for Monday.  I am exhausted, emotionally.  We will make it and one day laugh about this shitty situation.  I long for that day!

supporting Meade

I didn't hear anything from the lead teacher yesterday - that's frustrating.  Again, nothing so far today.  Meade came home and said she had a good day.  I went into her backpack and found three sticky notes.  Two front and back of instances where Meade fucked up today and that this is a “typical” day.  Playing with toys during the pledge.  Arguing with peers over toys.  Interrupting during circle times 5 times, in which guidance observed.  Guidance also observed the refusal to follow center play rules.  She cried because she didn’t want to clean up.  She told a joke about a cow getting killed during literacy.  Really?  Who gives a shit!  She lost her chair for rocking it after having warnings.  She didn’t follow directions during a school drill, after four requests because she wanted to be under the teacher’s desk with everyone else but there was no room.  She says she is itchy during nap time.  Maybe it is her clothes?  Mold?  I don’t have a clue what that means.  

I sent a note to her thanking her for the concrete examples we could work on and that I had not heard from the Lead.  Oh, she got busy today and will call tomorrow.  But also, here’s a picture showing where Meade wouldn’t share dinosaurs with her friends.  There are dinosaurs all over the fucking table.  Most were in front of Meade.  Apparently she pushed the others hands away when they wanted them and she refused to share.  

What now?  I think we might want to just take her out at this point.  She is four.  I probably shouldn’t have put her in the program with the baby situation.  I had no fucking clue my brother, who lived with us, would die, leading to further issues.  I found a place for $226 a week.  I don’t even care about the money anymore.  The thought of it makes me want to puke, but who fucking cares.  

At this point, I feel that they are out to document every little thing so that when they dismiss her, it is justified.  Should we take her out before that?  I don’t know.  What do I do?  I’ve been on pins and needles all fucking day waiting for the next message to come.  

Why now? Why all of a sudden?  Monday was about her needing counseling so I bent over backwards to try and find that.  Tuesday was about her not being okay enough to fit in with the program and that I need to look elsewhere.  That escalated quickly!  She’s four fucking years old.  She is expected to be a helper and I think that she sees her peers getting more attention and that she then also seeks it, likely not in the best ways.  

I have two messages since the beginning of the year that mention Meade had bad days.  I got a note home one day that she was the queen of kindness.  I got two notes about her being weepy.  Nothing else until this past Monday.  Nothing!  Are you fucking kidding me?  And now if she doesn’t clean up her shit, she’s kicked out?  Well, that’s a great way to set up a kid up for failure by not speaking with the parents to help her work on it for weeks beforehand.  I feel like I always fight for things that I feel are right but I am always looking at it from my lens only.  I understand she is privileged to be in this program and is there to help those with disabilities.  But if we don’t know, we can’t work on it.  

I don’t want others to say oh you’re a good mom or don’t call yourself a failure but I fucking feel like one.  I feel so self absorbed that I didn’t think about the children.  I do the best I fucking can, that’s for sure.  But I can’t do anything if I am not aware.  Maybe we will learn more tomorrow.

give love

Oh man.  I am spiraling.  Nothing I do seems to be enough.  I will never stop advocating for my children.  On the other hand, I will also support teachers.  I come from a long list of teachers and I have seen the detrimental issues that arise when there is no parental, or even worse, administrative support.  I refuse to be one of those moms that acts as if their kids do no wrong.  Every day is a struggle as a parent and I can only imagine what they are going through when the teachers are with my children more waking hours than I am each day.  A reminder, I am always thankful for Mondays when the kids can go back to school.

I have really struggled with wanting to hate Meade's teacher.  That isn't fair, though.  I read something that really resonated with me.  I need to love everyone and even in the difficult times if I show grace, I am going to make more progress.  God teaches us to find different perspectives and realize that we are all human.  If we continue to work against each other, that helps no one.  

a pity party

I sent Meade to school with a list of items to work on.  I had let the teacher know that I had scheduled the first available appointment for counseling but am trying to also find something sooner.  Barely any therapists take insurance anymore – they don’t have to.  People will pay out of pocket and dealing with reimbursement from insurance is a pure pain in the ass.  Just research it.  The behavioral health system right now is all out of whack.  Embarrassingly, I work for a company that is one of those barriers to receiving the care we need.

I sent a message to check in and a litany of items were returned about how she fell short.  I was frustrated and returned a message telling her to tell me to just take her out.  I can’t go through the roller coaster any longer.  Maybe we are just spinning our wheels at this point?

I asked for a face to face conference with Meade.  I think it resonates more when the three are in the same room verses two of us talking behind the scenes and then trying to get through to Meade.  I was told that she didn’t think it would be beneficial at this time for the three of us to meet to go over her issues.  She did suggest a meeting with the “lead” teacher, to which I said I will meet with her and you don’t have to be in the middle.  Why would she want to meet with the lead teacher there but not with  me directly?  She gave the lead my phone number.

Throughout the day, I cried and cried.  When the kids got home, I cried more, in front of them.  I lost it at the supper table.  I am having an extremely difficult time controlling my emotions.  Oh, the joys of parenting.

parenting woes

We had a lovely morning at the zoo today with some family friends.  It was such a delight to see their faces and excitement over every single animal.  It was quite exhausting, too.  

I had reached out about scheduling a conference with Meade’s teacher.  That was Monday.  I knew that we would be told of some of her shortcomings and have things to work on.  It is normal – she is four.  What I didn’t realize was that the 15 minutes would turn into “here is why Meade doesn’t fit into this program.”  The teacher counted 41 times that she had to be redirected last Friday.  On top of that, they were playing vet (Meade has no pets and desperately wants them so this is a tough subject in our house).  Meade said the pet was dead – redirected not to talk about death.  Meade said there was blood – redirected not to talk about blood.  Meade said there was pooping issues – redirected not to talk about poop.  Meade said the pet was vomiting – redirected not to talk about vomiting.  The pet is at the fucking vet!  There must be issues!  

Much of this boiled down to the fact that she believes Meade needs counseling.  I broke.  I have failed the kids as a parent.  While doing my damnedest to get through my own grief, I have failed to realize that the children are also struggling and can likely benefit from the same.  Why didn’t I think of that?  What a slap in the face.

I got right on it.  I called the pediatrician right away and got their first available appointment for April 8th.  I called around to other places, too.  I contacted a concierge practice that I was just going to pay for, but they could only see her virtually.  I am not sure that a 4 year old will benefit from virtual counseling.  I sent emails to three others and called another.  We are on a wait list at two now and I have reached out personally to an old friend that is at one of those practices where we are waitlisted.  The teacher also informed me that she tried to reach out to the guidance counselor but was not in at the time.  Her last message was “I will let you know if you know if we don’t see improvement and maybe need to look at different supports for Meade :).”

nicer weather

This beautiful weather every afternoon calls for lots of time outside!  We have definitely missed that.  One day after school, we met our neighbor and her grandchildren at the church to play on the playground and fly kites.  It was really neat to see the kids experience the kites.  I don't think I have ever flown a kite with any accuracy in the past.  They did great!  

We have also been spending a lot of time in the yard cleaning things up for the party in a couple of weeks.  Tons of sticks gathered, millions of leaves and gum balls raked (even though you wouldn't realize that a couple of days in), the garage cleaned up, etc.  I have been getting the kids to help and they have done a good job - anything to keep them outside!  Jacob got most of the leaves up and all of the flower beds cleaned out, too.  

Yesterday, Meade and I had a girls' day.  We picked up Ms. Anne from Westminster Canterbury and met Adrienne for lunch.  Anne is 97!  She adores Meade.  We went to Panera (the only place that Anne is comfortable).  Definitely not my favorite, but it was fine.  We all had a blast chatting and hanging out with one another.  

It also turned out to be a huge teachable moment for Meade.  There was a gentleman sitting behind us that was obviously homeless.  The poor man, Ken, smelled so bad.  It was difficult to eat.  Meade offered him the rest of her pizza which he ate in no time.  We went further to give him a bag of cookies we brought for Adrienne, but she wanted to just split the other bag with Anne.  I had two apples in my bag that I tried to give him as well, but he wouldn't accept.  I felt so awful for him.  Meade asked why his fingernails were so dirty and he didn't respond.  It is hard for children to understand why people don't have homes, food to eat, shoes that fit, clean clothes, etc.  I hope it resonates with her how good we truly have it and that if we can help someone else we always need to do that.

what if?

I finally sat down and got my plane tickets and rental car for California in April.  I am beyond excited but also very terrified.  I tried putting some of my thoughts down on paper...

What if the plane goes down?  What if I start to figure out who I am?  What if I change?  What if people don't like me anymore?  What if I learn what I need to to make the most impact in my life?  What if I realize what I am supposed to do:  in motherhood, in marriage, in family, in faith?  What if I figure out my purpose in this life and what I enjoy most?  What if the plane goes down?  What if I find my most true self that brings inner peace to me and allows me to be the best I can for those I love?  What if the plane goes down?  If the plane goes down, I hope that I will have inspired someone with hope, love, and the willingness to be kind for no reason at all?  If that is true, it is okay if the plane goes down.  Yet, that is highly unlikely and I'm on my way to more healing and more intention in my future.

There's that.  I could say what if all day long.  But the opportunities are limitless and I should never let fear drive me.

party pooping

We are getting excited for Meade's birthday next weekend!  I have secured a petting zoo that will bring barnyard babies for us to see and pet.  So exciting!  I have been starting to plan a little more of a fair theme to go with the zoo.  We have Uncle Ricky's cotton candy maker and I bought a popcorn maker - why not?  I am sure that will get use around here well after the birthday party.  I hope friends will ask to use it, too.  Might as well get all it is worth!

Today I also took Meade to the urologist to address her incontinence.  She did really well.  Voided and emptied her bladder, pooped on command, and did fine with the ultrasound of her bladder.  The MD has us doing a poop chart as she suspects that the pooping may be the culprit.  We put milk of magnesia in her bottle/milk for the first couple years of her life due to pooping issues and we stopped doing it a couple of years ago because we thought she was pooping fine.  What we didn't know was that it was around the same time we potty trained and COVID hit.  We had thought that the incontinence issues were stemming from COVID and the fact that we couldn't be with her at every moment to prompt her to use the bathroom.  The pediatrician said that she was fine and that there is no need to get checked unless it persists.  At almost 5, it is definitely time.  

So, here's to knowing all about poop and being able to label it 1 to 5 on a whim!

i did it!

I took that leap!  I met with Kristine Carlson today and everything she said about the What Now? Retreat sounds lovely and I went and spent the money to register.  I can't believe I did it, but the support around me has been so awesome.  I am sure I will wretch when I go to pay the credit card off at my next paycheck, but who cares!  It is just money!  

I have been exploring flights and such, but haven't figured out what will be best.  I know I need to leave a day early and the best flights home would put me home a day late, but I think it makes most sense to get home that Sunday, if at all possible.  I need to be there to do the normal schedule with the children and I am sure Jacob will need a break.  Both of our parents are willing to step in and help however they can.  What a blessing and a relief.  It doesn't get much better than this.  

I have some coursework to do to prepare as well.  I will start on that soon.  

We also had the pleasure of our great Aunt Jeanie (great great to the kids) joining us for supper tonight.  We celebrated her birthday that was Sunday.  We had the best time reminiscing, eating, and making sweet family memories.  We adore Aunt Jeanie and are so lucky she spoils us with her love.

more a-ha moments

Tonight with my friend Mavis, studying the bible, I had more moments where it felt like I was being spoken to, with just what I needed to hear.  We went through an exercise that laid out troubles and how God addresses those items in the bible.  I was asked to choose which one of the verses, which explained solutions to troubling situations means the most to me.  I pondered for a moment and chose the one that states we will experience complete peace.  Frankly, if my world is peaceful, none of the troubles matter.  So that one solution takes care of all of them at once.  The bible offers hope in ways I never would have imagined.

There is a lot on my mind this week.  I have a meeting tomorrow with an author to discuss a retreat I feel as though I have been called to attend.  I'm scared to death to do it, but think it could really be good for me, especially these days.  Following the birth last October, I knew that I would have to find my new purpose in life.  I have spent so much effort and energy on bringing that sweet baby in the world, what what I focus on now?  I don't know.  I figured it would be an issue, but had no idea that I would be dealing with such fierce grief at the same time. 

My prayer is that tomorrow gives me the answers I need and the ability to step out of my comfort zone, if it is the right time.  Everyone says I cannot be enough for others if I am not enough for myself.  Maybe, just maybe, that self is on the horizon?!  It is exciting and terrifying at the same time.

letting go

I am one to plan things to a T and get pissed when they don't go like I think they should.  We all know that things change, plans are diverted, and Plan B often becomes a reality.  We live in a new world of COVID - it is second nature now.  I never used to have a Plan B because only Plan A was important to me.  There was no room for error.  Over the last few months, I have learned that life is so much easier if I let go of control.

Instead of getting so utterly angry when someone cancels, I give them the out at the time of scheduling.  "If something crazy comes up, I totally understand."  Let me tell you that having this new mindset does me wonders!  I started to realize that when I get rattled, it is only bothering me - nobody else cares - so why let it?  

We had a busy yet great weekend.  We had plans to go to the south side for a nephew's birthday so I wanted to get as much in down there as I could.  Even though Bethany was going to the party, Makenna was not so I wanted to see her for a few minutes if they were up for it.  I made supper for a friend to drop off to them, and I was finally getting rid of the rest of the IVF meds that someone on facebook marketplace wanted.  It was a lot, but we got it done and made it to the birthday party on time.

Even though I only had about 20 minutes with sweet baby Henry, I enjoyed every second of it.  She was fussy and hungry, but it didn't bother me in the least.  I just love getting to be with her.  She's not yet at my favorite baby stage, but the bond there is real.  I can't wait until she is sitting up on her own and able to react and smile back, etc.  We were offered to go have more cousin time after the party, but I knew my children were going to be disasters if we tried.  They went to a neighbor's to play yesterday and acted like such little assholes when Jacob went to pick them up, that I didn't want to set them up for that kind of meltdown again.  

Today, we again had plans to go to friends' for the Super Bowl.  We all had a blast and Jacob was even okay to stay until the end of the first quarter, which never happens.  He hates having distractions during football, but we compromised and everything went really well.  

Tomorrow is going to be a tough day!  I am up entirely too late, cheering on the Bengals!

"you are so unusual"

I had the opportunity to speak to one of Ms. Clare's sweetest friends today.  Remember, Ms. Clare is the lady with Parkinson's and dementia that I helped for several years and we had a bond that I will cherish forever.  Now, that bond is continued through a wonderful friendship with her daughter Adrienne.  Adrienne let me know that Anne, Ms. Clare's friend, was struggling with a few things and that she asked about me.  Of course I could call her! 

At 97, Anne answered the phone and was down at first.  When she heard it was me, it was like life jumped back into her and her spirit was contagious.  Before I could ask her how she was doing, she blurted out "you are so unusual!" I had to laugh and agree with her but she went on to say that she has never known anyone to do something so wonderful for someone else.  That I hit pause on my own life for several years to make it happen.  That I was more devoted and dedicated to help create a family than she has ever seen.

All very, very sweet, but it still stands out that she thinks I am so unusual.  Maybe I am.  I think I am just letting God work through me.  It was obvious that is what it was about in August of 2018, but what now?  We talked about everything under the sun and I offered to go with her to some upcoming appointments because she has no family in Virginia.  She wouldn't accept my offer for next week but is going to keep me in mind for future appointments.  That's what it is all about - there's no reason I can't take off half a day of work to spend quality time with Anne and make sure she gets to and from an appointment safely.  The most beautiful thing is that always before we hang up, we both say "I love you."  What spawned out of a gig to make more money 9 years ago is yet another beautiful relationship that I treasure.  

While Anne has no doubt that I will find my new purpose, I continue to wonder "what if?" I was stewing over what has been in my heart all week, the What Now Retreat, as Jacob came home.  I felt somewhat conflicted because I didn't want to mention it to him unless I was sure it was something I wanted to do.  After all, it is going to cost quite a lot of money and he will need major help with the children if he still wants to work if I go.  

I was nervous and excited when Jacob walked in the office.  I asked him if I was crazy and went into how I think this may be a good opportunity.  His simple response was "you can't take the brinks truck with you." He knows what I worry about the most - the financial hit it would take from our savings.  But, he was more than supportive and told me "go - just go."  What a weight lifted off my shoulders!  Jacob is happy to let me go.  He isn't stressed about having the children by himself.  He said that I get a bonus for a reason to take some of that money and just go.  I can't believe it, but I am beyond grateful to him for understanding that this may be in my future.  After all, it will only help us as a family unit if I find who I am supposed to be in the midst of being a wife and a mother that oftentimes spirals out of control.

Now what?  Now, I go into my meeting next Tuesday with the support of the people I love most knowing I am ready if it is where this life should take me at this time.

messages for me

I have gotten back on track in reading Heartbroken Open.  I swear it is almost like I am reading about my own life, feelings, struggles, and grief.  It is amazing that someone in a hugely different situation, also grieving, is so parallel.  

This revelation made me go out to Kristine Carlson's website and peruse.  I know there are more tools out there that can help and maybe I should start with what she is offering.  What I didn't know was that there was something staring at me so obviously and God was saying this is it.  This is it.  This is what I need.  I called my mom and let her in on a few things to get her perspective.  It is such a big thing that she even needed some time to think about it.  

Before I commit to anything, I started doing some research.  I have a meeting set up next Tuesday to see what is right for me and when.  Maybe I will make this new itch a reality?  Maybe I won't.  Regardless, I am exploring what is best at this time.  However, I can't get around God's push.  Frankly, I am feeling the same urgency now as I did before I offered to carry Bethany and Phillip's baby.  We all know that was an amazing feat in which I learned so much about myself.  Why stop there?

psyched up

I had my last in person visit with Dr. C after the birth of my little Henry back in mid-December.  I was referred to VCU's psychiatry department to follow up for the depression I am experiencing with this awful grief.  Today is the day.

On the way home with the kids, knowing I had a few minutes to spare when I got home, I got a call.  The name I didn't recognize but she said that the appointment could start earlier.  I told her that I had kids in tow and would be available in ten minutes.  Cue getting the kids in the door, shoes off, homework started, snacks provided, etc., and in the right mind space to meet with a psychiatrist.

There were a few technological difficulties, but we made it work.  I didn't understand why I was told I was meeting with Dr. Shah, but a Dr. Bise was calling.  I learned that she is the chief resident in the group and she gets a baseline before Dr. Shah calls.  We went through my situation, did the postpartum worksheet to calculate my score and talked through a few things.  She was very nice but I was ready to get the show on the road.  It was a little frustrating that I would have to go through it all over again with Dr. Shah, so I wasn't super pleased.

Finally, Dr. Shah called.  Before even saying hi, she took a moment to stress that my purpose to get Makenna in this world was something far beyond anything she had ever known as a selfless act.  That made me feel good.  I had to tell her that every difficult thing about it makes it all worth it now.  Unfortunately, I had a shitty few days beforehand and that is why I am here.  I guess I was pretty stoic and said that I was doing okay.  I am.  I am okay most days.  Then, we got to the issues and I was a teary mess.  Dr. Shah validated that anyone in my position would be struggling.  We went through what I was doing to make strides ahead as well as my current meds.

While I am on Zoloft and it is my magic drug, I do want to consider other anti-depressants due to the fact that I have no sex drive at all.  It is only fair for Jacob.  We talked through that and Dr. Shah suggested that get on Wellbutrin, decrease Zoloft a little in a week and check back in in a couple of months to see how I am doing.  I am willing to give it a go!  She also mentioned that people often gained weight on Zoloft and lose weight on Wellbutrin.  Sign me up!  

Dr. Shah really was super sweet, plus stunningly beautiful, even virtually.  I enjoyed her and look forward to going back in a couple of months.  I sure hope that this new medicine regimen gets me on the right track to progress into who I am supposed to be for me, and then for the rest of the world.

the power of giving

I offered earlier this week to take supper to some friends that have been having difficult times lately.  The response always is strange - are you sure?  You are dealing with enough?  Why in the world would you want to add something else to your plate?  Well, it is easy!  Selfishly, it makes me feel better to do for others.  I had one family take me up on bringing them supper Saturday.  Another family thanked me but said they were okay.  I don't want to be too pushy, but do want people to know that I am there in a heartbeat if there's something I can do for them.

When I take a step back and think about what makes me most content, it is doing for others.  Serving through kindness.  On the other hand, I have people saying all the time (Jacob mostly) that I have to stop doing for everyone else and start doing for me.  Don't fret my friends, I am continuing a keen focus on myself and who I am supposed to be.  I feel like I will be able to get there through these offers of assistance.  

I'm a saver, not a spender.  However, if Jacob asks if we can donate to someone going through a tough time or a cause he feels passionate about, I never hesitate.  I'll save all the pennies I can at the grocery store, shopping for kids clothes, or even when planning family activities.  When it comes to giving, there is no boundary.  It makes me feel so much better than spending on myself.  

I've always said that if I was rich, I would want to be a philanthropist.  What is better in this world?  Giving to make an impact on others' lives or projects is a great way not to tackle the world myself yet help those tackling little pieces of it with their slice, as the SMEs of that domain.  It doesn't make sense for me to jump in if I don't understand the inner workings of something, but it does make sense to accelerate a vision that I find passion in by helping the cause financially.

Try it, I bet you'll feel better, too!

I recently read this and it sums up my thoughts:

"You can heal faster emotionally, but also physically. There's a selfish element in it, really. When we make someone happy, we become even happier. If you decide yourself that you will help in some way, you will benefit the most because it will create amazing joy. Those who are not doing anything are missing out on a very profound joy." - Petra Nemcova

ask, seek, knock

In my Bible study last night, I found a verse that spoke to me.  In Matthew, it is stated that we have the responsibility to God to ask things of Him, seek His presence, and knock on His door.  What is strikingly obvious in the scripture, but not always in our minds is the knocking part.  I pray a good bit.  I always ask for guidance and for God to be with me and those that I love.  I also ask for other, more specific things.  However, when I ask for those things, am I acting in a way that helps make me realize those items?  If I am not doing my part, how can God?

I have a lot of knocking to do, for sure.  I think I am on track to get where I need to be, but what I don't know is where that is.  I know what I want.  I want to be at peace and happy with my life.  Of course, there will always be moments of frustration or discontent, but that doesn't mater when I look at the big picture.  Those things that make me reel are also what will make me grow, becoming that person that I strive to be.  How can I make sure I am taking the right steps so that what I knock on God's door about he can help to work through me?

This simple, yet profound verse got me last night.  Not only do I need to strengthen my relationship with God, but I need to put in the work to be what he desires me to be.  When that happens, the peace and happiness are bound to be present.

green faith

I didn't want to do my 7pm bible study tonight, but I know I need it.  I couldn't believe how much I got from tonight's session - it was profound.  I am embarrassed that I am so green when it comes to the bible, but there's no place to start learning than the here and now.  

One of the things that hit me hard was that explicitly, Matthew tells us to Ask, Seek, Knock.  Matthew 7:7.  I am able to ask God for help or guidance for anything at any time.  I am also able to do the same in just asking for his presence to be with me.  Or, instead of asking, I can seek what is God's plan for me.  Most importantly, though, we have the responsibility to knock.  This is an action and it is up to me to take those steps.  Beyond having God in my life, the bible is there to help to answer any of the questions I have.  What a relief - I just have to look.

I also had no idea that Matthew, Luke, and John are all books that were written by these individuals to give their perspectives of Jesus's life from his birth to his death.  I had no idea.  I feel like I need to read those three books in their entirety sooner rather than later.  I feel as though I ask more questions about the Bible, sometimes rather than soaking it all in.  The lady I am studying with is so patient and kind.  For instance, as we read a verse in Acts, it mentions a "eunuch.  I had no idea what that was, so I was quick to ask what that word meant.  I had no idea that a eunuch is a man that has been castrated and who's job was to protect women.  Who knew?

I have so much to learn and am excited to continue to do so.  I definitely need this in my life!

cranky and tired

Oh boy, this weekend did me in.  I am awfully cranky this morning.  I am still reeling over Gregory's behavior and trying not to still get angry with him since we addressed it yesterday.  It is hard to do, though.  I hate being disrespected.  I can handle the bad, but I have a really hard time putting up with shitty, careless kids.  

If you're the praying type, please pray that I get patience with these children and help to teach them to remember to always be kind and listen.  

loads of fun

Friday, I didn't get back online after school and took the kids down to my parents' for the weekend.  We picked up Renn on the way and set out for a good time.  It was unknown to them, but we had scheduled a fun time at Compass yesterday.  The kids were awful.  I am so sick of them being entitled little brats.  When Gregory gets around Renn, he is constantly trying to show off and is utterly disrespectful and bad.  I can handle the bad, all kids are bad sometimes.  What throws me out of sorts is when they are disrespectful.

I was yelled at, spit at, and otherwise simply ignored.  Oh man, I feel like I had never yelled so much.  I sat all three kids down after bath and told them that that behavior would not be tolerated and if it didn't get better we weren't going to do the fun things we had planned.

Saturday went well and we had so much fun!  We got to Compass right when they opened.  I bought the kids passes to the Fun Zone and they played and played.  We got tickets to the showing of Sing 2.  The kids played until the previews started and came into the theater ready to watch the movie with popcorn and drinks already there.  We even met a couple of friends there that were coming to visit.  After the movie, which was cute (until I fell asleep - those chairs offer the best damn naps ever - I highly recommend the nap for the price of a movie ticket!), the kids went back into the fun zone for thirty more minutes or so.  

Our friends came back to mom and dad's and we laid low while the children played.  It was nice to have the extra child there (and a girl) so that it was two and two, verses the three in which never really works out well, but it is all we got!  

Jimmy, Ricky's best friend who is also like a brother to me, joined us for supper along with Sarah.  After the kids got settled, we played cards and had a grand old time!  This morning was a little more difficult because Gregory was back on his high horse.  He was sent to his room and after more spitting and yelling, I asked Dad to go up and talk to him.  He did.  I am not sure it made a huge difference, but it is good to be back home now where Jacob can take care of the kids for a little bit.  In fact, I just got up from a little nap on the couch!  

We had lots of fun this weekend but I also realized that I have got to work on my children more with manners and simple respect - this should be fun!

tough discussions

I went into therapy today feeling really good.  Everything has been going well.  Yes, I am tired.  Yes, I am still sad most of the time, but I am doing my best to live in the present.  Trying to feel the emotions and let them come and go as needed.  Of course there are difficult times, but they are getting to be less.  I feel a little lost because I am in the middle of four different self help books right now and on any given day, I don't know which one to focus on.  It becomes overwhelming to make that decision, so often I just don't read.  This is not going to help me at all.

I am beyond grateful that work is going really well.  I went into therapy in a wonderful mood and everything was great, until it wasn't.  Ugh, of course I need to go deep and feel, but sometimes I just don't feel like it.  I think I cried more during our session today than I have yet to date.  Everything we discussed seem to be raw, when it hadn't seemed so raw for the past couple of weeks.  I am glad my parents were here with Meade today so when I got out of the session, I was able to talk through a few things with them.  We cried and just said that we would have each other to get through the tougher times.  I thank God for them - I am not sure where I would be without them at this time.

When I went in to therapy thinking that everything was great, it quickly turned.  We never know what will hit us and when.  It stinks - it's purely awful.  That said, I know it is part of the process that I remain to be committed to.