discomfort

This week has been difficult when it comes to the PIO shots.  For the first time in a long time, my bottom has been itching pretty badly and the initial sticks are much more uncomfortable than normal, even with the preventative icing.  Yesterday, the shot wasn't too bad at my parents, but when I got home, the site was super itchy and raised.  This morning, it is like a have a welt the size of a silver dollar - red and raised.  Who knows what is different?

I am looking forward to celebrating little Meade today with some friends as she will be 4 this coming Wednesday.  Hard to believe!  

thoughts or feelings?

If I am being brutally honest, I have no idea what to think about what I am feeling and frankly, I wish I didn't think into all of this so much!  For the last few days, I have consistently felt awful and pregnant one day with all of the symptoms - tender boobs, headache, tummyache, can't think straight, etc.  So, in those moments, I am pretty sure I am pregnant, but also can't help but remember the November transfer when I felt everything and was shocked with a failure.  On these days, I pray a lot, asking God to let me truly feel only what is going on with my body and not what my mind wants to feel.

The day after the most tell tale symptoms, I feel nothing - I feel great, like I could conquer the world!  The only consistent feeling is fatigue, but that is just being a working mom I think - I can't remember a day in the last 6 years that I haven't felt that.  On these days, I pray that I am pregnant and that this will be the easiest one I have, if I can feel like this half of the time!

I have been making myself eat chicken, trying to see if it can be stomached.  So far, so good.  One of the weirdest things is that Diet Coke tastes strange.  Y'all DC is my lifeline and has been for years!  My daily routine is to grab a fountain one from the local convenience store and then typically have a couple more cans throughout the day.  If you remember, this is the one thing that Bethany had asked me to reduce consumption of during pregnancy.  Earlier this week, it just didn't taste right.  I haven't given it up yet, but I plan to next week, just to see how I can survive without it.  What's the point if I am not enjoying it?

All of this rambling is to basically say that I have absolutely no idea if I am pregnant or not.  Goodness, I hope so with all of my might.  Several times I wanted to give in and go grab an at home test.  Bethany doesn't care, but doesn't want to know.  On the other hand, I want people to think that I have an iron will of patience (hahah, yeah right).  I can make it until next Tuesday!  Until then, I will keep praying and talking to God about it.  Asking for my mind to be put at ease - no reading into any feelings or letting my mind create symptoms - strength and peace if we get a negative test and healthy wellbeing throughout the next several months if we are lucky enough to realize a positive test.

sick or pregnant?

Today has been rough.  I know I am tired from the weekend but I could barely keep my eyes open at work.  During a 1.5 hour call with the larger organization (one that I did not have to actively engage), I laid my head down on the desk and I know that I dozed off at least three times.  Jacob texted to ask how I was feeling and I told him that I was either getting ill or I was pregnant.  I am so very tired, I feel like crap, my boobs hurt with the slightest touch, etc.  All of that said, I refuse to give into the feelings.  I am thankful that they are there, but I have to keep my mind away from "knowing" this is it.  I would rather guard myself and be pleasantly surprised later than just know and be devastated next week.

I also resumed my 5 mile morning walk today.  Maybe that could have been part of why I was so tired?  As the day went on, I started to feel a little better but the exhaustion never seemed to subside.  It is just after 6 and I fully expect to be in bed within the next hour!

On a different note, I am in a group on Facebook open to individuals that are surrogates transferring in January/February/March of this year.  Having the community is nice, but it can also be crazy.  I think I mentioned in one last time some of the ladies stress themselves out over home pregnancy tests.  (By the way, Bethany and I connected this morning.  She doesn't care if I do any at home tests but doesn't want to know what they say.  While there are times I want to run to the store to grab one, I think it makes more sense to let things be.)  Another lady reached out to me on messenger this morning - she is a surrogate that also transferred last Wednesday and is nearby - up in Northern VA.  That is pretty cool.  Most of the people I see in these groups are pretty far away.  She was very excited and told me about her at home test she took this morning in which there was a faint line or a "squinter."  What is really cool is she is a surrogate for a family in Lorton (also NoVA), where she carried their other child and delivered last year.  I think that is amazing that she is on another journey with them again!

needing diversions

I spent the weekend with the kids at my parents house.  It was nice because there wasn't much time to sit and think about what is going on, making the wait that much more difficult.  When we got home today, I was beat.  It is not that I didn't feel well, but more being just exhausted.  We were so blessed again today - David and Maria provided supper to us.  They brought Maggiano's and boy was it wonderful!  We have enough for another couple of nights as well!  

I prayed and prayed on the way home from Heathsville to be guided to create the most comfortable and happy place for this little embryo.  I am willing to do whatever it takes.  I felt a few twinges of cramps - possibly implantation?  See, that is the problem with this two week wait - every little feeling is dissected into what ifs.  It is so frustrating, but even harder to turn my mind off to it.  I have absolutely no idea what those little cramps were - it could have been gas pains - who knows!  Also, my boobs started to get a little tender this evening.  I know it is happening, but it could be for any reason and I cannot start to think it is because I am pregnant.  Last time around, with everything that I felt, I think that my mind exacerbated them all and then I was blindsided not to be pregnant.  

The waiting is really not that tough if I can keep my mind occupied.  It is when my mind wanders, my desire to connect everything to a positive pregnancy test is most present.  Please say a prayer for me - that I let my mind ease, not allowing all of the external "noise" to come into play.

lucky already

I must say, when I think about the transfer yesterday, I can't begin to tell you how lucky we have been.  There was a snow/ice storm this past weekend that didn't mess up our travel and again another one today.  Gregory was out of school again - on top of being out Monday.  Thank goodness he was able to go yesterday so that I could get up to MD seamlessly!  The one that hit today also closed schools (for both kids).  Let me tell you - there is a lot of yelling in this house today - as I do my darnedest to keep them happy and also work.

Then, to think back on the COVID scare, my goodness - we really lucked out on that front!

To add to how lucky we all are, Barbara (Jacob's mom) brought over supper last night.  Not just any supper but Chick Fil A - what a treat!  We rarely eat out and that fast food is not on the top of our list even though it is delicious!  It is hilarious that Jacob requests no chicken, but then wants Chick Fil A - guess he doesn't want any grilled/roasted chicken.  It is a staple in this household.  Looks like there is more yucky weather to come.  The kids and I are hoping to get down to my parents for the weekend, I suppose we shall see!

quick and easy

I was to go upstairs at 9 and my transfer appointment was at 930.  I went upstairs at 9 - still no call from Kim or anyone affiliated with the embryo - thank goodness!  I was called back within 10 minutes - I only had time to read three different devotionals to get me grounded.  

Dr. Nair was in quickly and there were no issues, other than the embryologist not hearing us when we were ready for the embryo.  So, waited maybe two minutes at that time in which Dr. Nair said it is actually good to allow the catheter to settle a little bit.  Another item that made the transfer go a little slower (but a non-issue), was that Dr. Nair had a difficult time getting the catheter through the cervix at first.  She tried a few times and then let up on the speculum a little bit.  Apparently the speculum is what was causing a little barrier but once she eased up on that, all was good to go!  The embryo was transferred with no problem and the embryologist confirmed that it is now in my uterus - not still in the delivery tube (I have no idea what that is actually called, but here's my totally technical guess).  

As my kids say a lot these days (must be going around the schools) - "easy peasy lemon squeezy!"  Below is the video of the transfer.  It is only twenty seconds and shows the ultrasound of my uterus during the procedure.  You will see a line coming up from the bottom right reaching toward the middle of the screen.  That is the catheter moving further into the uterus.  Once it settles, you will see it move a little further and then a small item shoot from it, hopefully landing in the uterus wall.  That was the embryo!  A long day on the road for an office visit of less than 20 minutes for a procedure less than 20 seconds!  I was out at 932 to give Bethany another big hug and get on the road!

The way home was much like the way up.  Since the entire drive to Maryland I was focusing on me and this journey, I decided that I also needed to incorporate all of my other prayers that do not involve me, but for others in need.  There wasn't too much traffic and I was home by 1145!  Can't beat that!

riding solo

Yesterday, I went through a million different scenarios of who I could invite to go with me today and honestly started writing texts to ask.  Each time, I deleted those texts - I couldn't get myself to ask anyone.  I knew I would be okay on the road and the last few days have been a whirlwind so having some time to myself seemed like the best option.  Boy am I glad I listened to my heart verses my mind.  I am overly extroverted and want to be around people at all times, but my heart was saying that I needed some downtime.

The ride up this morning was beyond beautiful.  I went to church a lot in college and was even "adopted" by the pastor and his wife as a part of their family in the college program.  They were the most lovely family.  I would have said back then that my faith was strong, but it wasn't - I was merely going through the motions.  However, I had a few worship CDs from back then that I listened to the entire way up - singing my heart out praising God.  Every few minutes, I would look over to my right and see the sun rise coming up through the trees on 95.  It was breathtaking.  During songs I didn't know the words to, I found myself just talking to God, praying for all of us and this journey.  I got up here a couple of minutes ago and just went to go potty and start drinking the water that I have to have before the appointment so my bladder fills adequately for transfer.  

Bethany is on her way.  There has been no call yet to indicate that the embryo was not viable (so I assume it is fine).  I am responding to texts and making a couple of calls, just taking it all in.  I am pretty nervous, which I think is healthy.  I am praying hard that these nerves are justified in that my life is going to be upturned for the next 8-9 months - which is what I so desire.

Thank you for being on this road with me yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

ready freddy

I got up at the same time this morning (350am) and knew I wouldn't have time for my 5 mile walk, so I got on the stationary bike and did 5 miles there.  I showered and got myself ready for the day.  It was nice not to be rushed.  The only thing missing is my mom.  We were all set and she got on the road yesterday to spend the night here but had to turn around.  She was hit with an awful migraine, her eye closing, and could barely see straight.  My heart sank a little bit that she would not be with me, but I was so relieved when she made it home an hour later.

My dad offered to go with me, but he was out late last night with my aunt and cousin helping them.  Meade just came into the office as I put my make up on.  She saw me in my dress (by the way, with the stress over the past couple of days, I saw a beautiful dress in the window of a local boutique and checked it out online - they had it in large and I stopped by there and spent way more money than my normal goodwill finds, but I felt pretty), told me I looked beautiful and asked if I was going to the dance.  It was so darned sweet.  Well, I suppose this whole process is a dance of sorts, but today it is a means to feel better about myself and go to the doctor.  She didn't understand which is quite okay.

I will be getting on the road in a few minutes - solo.  I have found some old CDs from college and plan on singing my heart out for the next couple of ours and spending time talking to God.

My prayer remains the same, only adding that I get up there and home safely today.

mind marathon

I woke up feeling so great and ready to start the week.  Family friends of ours were scheduled to send their son over after school and I was making those plans because school was out and also offering to take their daughter for a few hours since Meade's daycare was closed, too.  Until Jacob informed me that his helper at work tested positive for COVID.  Holy shit.  This could put a wrench in everything!  His secretary at work decided it was up to Jacob to determine if he needed to get tested or not.  With the upcoming transfer and traveling with my mom, I decided we had to be proactive.  

I tried to keep my worries in.  Jacob was a disaster but I kept telling him everything was fine and if it wasn't we would get through it, just like we did all other not so great things.  I got to thinking about all of the people he may have come into contact with that would need to know.  Thankfully, he's an introvert - there were very few.  I tried to calm Jacob about the transfer and kept saying if it had to be pushed back so be it.  Inside I was trying not to freak out.  When Kim called to let me know that my appointment Wednesday is at 930 am, so I need to be upstairs at 9am, I told her of the potential snafu.  

Jacob had gone early and gotten a test at CVS.  I had never scheduled these things before though and he was told that the results would be returned in 3-5 days.  We couldn't wait that long!  We couldn't proceed with anything until we got a negative test - he is home from work, kids home from school, transfer postponed.  I needed piece of mind and answers - pronto.  I scheduled Jacob another test - a rapid one.  By 430 this afternoon, he came home with a paper from urgent care stating he was negative.  What a relief!  A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders although my mind feels like it has just run a mental marathon.  I'm tired but so very thankful that nothing would be further disrupted.

While I told Kim we would figure out the next steps if he were positive, of course I went further to ask more questions.  Apparently, one can only be on the progesterone shots for 6 days prior to transfer.  Thus, I would have to stop all medicine, get a period and start all over - this means it would have been another 7-8 weeks most likely.  Thank God for the negative test and the ability to resume some normalcy tomorrow. 

I'm joyful.  I'm tired.  I'm blessed.  I'm at peace.

pray with me

Dear Lord,

As we embark on this third transfer, I seek you to provide strength, peace, understanding, and guidance throughout the remainder of this remarkable journey.  You are the one that spoke to my heart and are the reason that Bethany and Phillip, Jacob and I are on this path.  Together, we are doing Your will to give the gift of parenthood to Bethany and Phillip.  Lord, as I pray for these next steps, I offer more gratitude that I can truly articulate.  I have learned so much about myself over the past 1.5 years as a result of this endeavor and I am grounded in more ways than I ever could have imagined.  This is because of You and the foundation You have laid for us to move forward through all of the twists and turns, joy and heartache.

Lord, I ask that You continue to be in our hearts this week as we navigate this third transfer.  I pray that this is the embryo that will outlast into beautiful life.  Lord, I am casting my net far and wide, asking that you provision what my body and our hearts can handle.  If this little embryo is the one, I am willing to carry two babies if my health is not at risk and if Bethany and Phillip can physically, emotionally and financially sustain to reap the rewards of twins.  From my end, my heart, soul and mind are all in to support two babies if that is Your will and if it will not take a toll on my health.  Lord, I don't want to be asking for too much, though.  If it is Your will for one baby, that is more than any of our hearts can desire at this time and I am more than ready to be the vessel that allows Bethany and Phillip to be what they are destined to be - Mama and Daddy.

My dear Lord, should this embryo not be strong enough to outlast, I trust that there is a reason and I pray that You help me and everyone else around me not to lose any joy or gratitude.  I pray for patience for us all and understanding that the right embryos are on the horizon - at Your will.  Lord, I know You know what lies ahead and I ask that if this third transfer is not the one, I pray that the embryo is not viable after the thaw.  This will help Bethany and Phillip to move on at a quicker pace to obtain another donor and reduce additional heartache with a failed transfer or another miscarriage. 

Lord, I cannot thank you enough for all of the supporters we have on this winding road with us.  Without them, we wouldn't have gotten this far - that is for sure.  I pray that Bethany and Phillip and their families, Jacob and me and our families and all of our amazing friends continue to seek You throughout the journey, that no one loses hope and we never fail to recognize all You have already done to set us up for success.  

My Heavenly Father, I could go on for days.  I pray all of this with sincere love and gratitude for You as you have never left our sides.  You were the catalyst and will continue to be our guide to make this all a reality.  I pray this with a heart overcome with joy and peace.  Through You all things are possible.  In the name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

here we go again

In a good way!  Maybe the third time is the charm?  I can only hope and pray that it is.  If it isn't I remain hopeful and pray that we all find the peace and understanding that everything will work out.  So, here's what the next few days look like for me:

• Tomorrow 2/11 Stop Lupron injections.
• 2/12 Please start your Progesterone in Oil 1 ml IM between 0600-0900 in the AM and continue every 3 days in the AM.  
• On 2/13 Start Endometrin 2 inserts, twice daily (even on the days you take the Progesterone injections). 
• On 2/15 You will get update for transfer time and instructions.
• 2/17 Frozen transfer in Rockville. 
• 3/2 Continue medications without any changes and schedule your pregnancy test for this day.

in the thick of it

Well, I must still wait for a call from the nurse today, but as I leave my appointment, I am happy to say that my uterine lining was at 11mm this morning!  This is great - it needs to be more than 8 for transfer!  I hope that Kim notifies us with good news later today based upon the labs and we will remain on track for a transfer next Wednesday, the 17th.  If she doesn't I pray that we all find peace and understanding that everything will work out when it is supposed to.