I swear the "i'll give a shit later" box does help me. Within a few hours, the attorney had responded that she doesn't want any money up front but that everything will be discussed during our consult next week. She was very nice and I think was understanding in the fact that I just need knowledge as we continue to go down this path.
Looking forward to our consult next week!
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
i'll give a shit later
Things are continuing to progress nicely. I got word from the nurse yesterday that I needed to call the pharmacy to schedule my medications. Everything is scheduled to be delivered Thursday! Crazy! We still have to wait for my cycle to start these, but we are on track! Because things are moving along, we need to get on the books with an attorney.
I have been told by several people in Richmond that I need to retain a specific lawyer here that focuses on surrogacy and assisted reproduction. She has been so kind and has answered many questions via phone and offered her assistant to speak to me further on other items. Yesterday I finally reached out to say we are ready to schedule. With that email, I also asked several questions. I mean, it wouldn't be in Julia Meade fashion if I didn't have millions of questions because I refuse to go into something not knowing.
I have been told by several people in Richmond that I need to retain a specific lawyer here that focuses on surrogacy and assisted reproduction. She has been so kind and has answered many questions via phone and offered her assistant to speak to me further on other items. Yesterday I finally reached out to say we are ready to schedule. With that email, I also asked several questions. I mean, it wouldn't be in Julia Meade fashion if I didn't have millions of questions because I refuse to go into something not knowing.
This morning I woke up to a very direct, somewhat harsh email from the attorney. There were some items that I was misunderstood on from my notes way back when and I was happy to apologize. Regardless, it set me back a little bit. Now that I have gone to the gym and reflected a little bit, I realize she is still the best person to represent me. She is a lawyer, they are direct and harsh and lay it all on the table. This is what we need. I need to get over my feelings and remember why I need her. I guess what bothered me the most is that she mentioned that she has gone out of her way to guide us without retaining her yet plus she offers a discount for compassionate carrier arrangements.
While I am a pain in the ass and seek to understand everything, I get her point. Her time is valuable. Thus, I responded asking to schedule a consultation and offering to pay for an hour and a half of her normal billable rate in the meantime because she has been so kind and forthcoming. I guess even with that, I am still frustrated. So, that is where this little "i'll give a shit later" box comes in.
We all know I stew over stupid shit. So, I am writing this post and putting the email into my box because I am not going to let it ruin my day. I look forward to her response and getting a consultation on the books!
The paper is folded up and down the hatch it went! If you don't have one of these, I suggest making one PRONTO! Boy does it help me to have something tangible as I cannot always "let it be."
Sunday, December 29, 2019
bethany's words
Bethany recently shared a poem she had written last year this time on Facebook. I found it so telling and poignant that I felt we should all see it to get a very small glimpse into her and Phillip's hearts over the past several years:
A defeated mom tried with all her might
To tackle infertility, a seemingly endless fight.
At first it was hot flashes that led to devastating news,
"You can't bear your own children," this she would never choose.
"But there is help for women like you,
"Donated eggs are something to do."
Let's try this option, she said with cautious hope.
Maybe insurance will help, but that was a nope.
"It's not medically necessary for you to conceive,"
They said it so coldly this she could hardly believe.
For weeks thereafter she fell apart.
She couldn't imagine how to start.
But then came hope from Shady Grove.
Their shared risk program was a treasure trove.
"You're in good health to carry a baby,"
They sounded so sure, there was no "maybe."
So she mustered the strength to tackle their list.
Procedures, appointments, you get the jist.
The first mock cycle was the worst.
Pumped full of hormones she had a mental burst.
911 was called and an ambulance came.
But it was a panic attack, she realized in shame.
Then came a blow, she wasn't prepared
"You have some fluid, so the risk can't be shared."
One round was possible so they invested away.
Their donor was picked, now it was time to pray.
Their first transfer was approaching, finally, at last.
But five days before, it was cancelled so fast.
"We can't move forward, your body isn't excelling,
Let's do a painful biopsy, the results will be telling."
The results took three weeks to be received,
But the doctor was happy, they were relieved.
Then came the unfreezing of their eggs, there were ten.
But only two made it, bad news once again.
Out of those two, neither fully matured
But the doctor said to move on, they were assured.
Finally came the day to have their one chance
They would regret it if they didn't, was their stance.
The doctor carefully placed the "bros "in her womb,
Fingers were crossed in hopes they would bloom.
Two grueling weeks went by so slow
No exercise, no alcohol, no coffee, lay low.
Then came the call at two fifteen December third
Neither embryo made it that had been transferred.
"I wanted this for you" said the nurse sadly
They now knew it was over, it hurt so badly.
Thousands of dollars were lost and so was hope,
How would they ever recover, move forward and cope?
With a heart full of dread, the mom sat in defeat.
Their journey with treatments, was sadly complete.
She'll never experience pregnancy and all its glory
Her husband will never read her belly a good night story.
No singing to a tummy, growing with pride
No holding her husband's hand by her bed side
No delivery, no amazement as they hear the first cry
No staring at their baby their hearts on a high.
But love and support has helped them make it through
One day they will have a family, this she knows to be true.
So even though this chapter is closed with grief
There's a child out there for them, this is their hopeful belief.
Defeated no more. Together we've got this!
A defeated mom tried with all her might
To tackle infertility, a seemingly endless fight.
At first it was hot flashes that led to devastating news,
"You can't bear your own children," this she would never choose.
"But there is help for women like you,
"Donated eggs are something to do."
Let's try this option, she said with cautious hope.
Maybe insurance will help, but that was a nope.
"It's not medically necessary for you to conceive,"
They said it so coldly this she could hardly believe.
For weeks thereafter she fell apart.
She couldn't imagine how to start.
But then came hope from Shady Grove.
Their shared risk program was a treasure trove.
"You're in good health to carry a baby,"
They sounded so sure, there was no "maybe."
So she mustered the strength to tackle their list.
Procedures, appointments, you get the jist.
The first mock cycle was the worst.
Pumped full of hormones she had a mental burst.
911 was called and an ambulance came.
But it was a panic attack, she realized in shame.
Then came a blow, she wasn't prepared
"You have some fluid, so the risk can't be shared."
One round was possible so they invested away.
Their donor was picked, now it was time to pray.
Their first transfer was approaching, finally, at last.
But five days before, it was cancelled so fast.
"We can't move forward, your body isn't excelling,
Let's do a painful biopsy, the results will be telling."
The results took three weeks to be received,
But the doctor was happy, they were relieved.
Then came the unfreezing of their eggs, there were ten.
But only two made it, bad news once again.
Out of those two, neither fully matured
But the doctor said to move on, they were assured.
Finally came the day to have their one chance
They would regret it if they didn't, was their stance.
The doctor carefully placed the "bros "in her womb,
Fingers were crossed in hopes they would bloom.
Two grueling weeks went by so slow
No exercise, no alcohol, no coffee, lay low.
Then came the call at two fifteen December third
Neither embryo made it that had been transferred.
"I wanted this for you" said the nurse sadly
They now knew it was over, it hurt so badly.
Thousands of dollars were lost and so was hope,
How would they ever recover, move forward and cope?
With a heart full of dread, the mom sat in defeat.
Their journey with treatments, was sadly complete.
She'll never experience pregnancy and all its glory
Her husband will never read her belly a good night story.
No singing to a tummy, growing with pride
No holding her husband's hand by her bed side
No delivery, no amazement as they hear the first cry
No staring at their baby their hearts on a high.
But love and support has helped them make it through
One day they will have a family, this she knows to be true.
So even though this chapter is closed with grief
There's a child out there for them, this is their hopeful belief.
Defeated no more. Together we've got this!
Thursday, December 26, 2019
how can you help?
We all need a little help here and there. I imagine there is not one of us that have had a life of perfection and/or times when we weren't in need. Whether those needs are emotional, physical, or financial, we have all struggled. While I don't ever like to ask as I am severely independent, I know that we all can be assisted throughout the next year. How can you help us on this journey?
Pray. The most important thing is prayers. Pray for strength for all of us. Talk to the big Man about our journey and ask that he watch over us and let it continue to go smoothly. We know this is His doing, but we are doing everything in our power to ensure we are honoring Him in the process. Pray that each step of the way allows for the next, continuing our journey to a sweet little baby. Pray for my body that everything works well and creates a viable pregnancy. Pray for Bethany and Phillip that they continue to feel peace with the journey and that they can be with us throughout the pregnancy as much or as little as they wish. Pray for Jacob. Jacob is my number one support and knows that carrying isn't super easy. He often takes the brunt of it. Pray that Gregory and Meade will be understanding of the baby in my belly and that it is Aunt Bethany and Uncle Phillip's baby. Pray that throughout the time we are pregnant that they are able to educate others, nothing gets to the point better than toddlers! Pray for all of our parents. Every single one of them worries about our health, the journey, potential further devastation, and a healthy baby. Pray for the rest of our families. This isn't easy on anyone but sure is bringing us closer together by the day. Pray that we understand and find solace in each step, regardless of how easy or difficult it may be. Pray for the physicians, clinicians, and medical teams supporting each of us. This may be their daily environment, but no one IVF treatment, body, pregnancy, or well-being of us all is one in the same. Lastly, pray for our patience and trust in Him.
Support. Offer kind words. Check in for no reason. To feel loved and appreciated is one thing that will give us all strength throughout the next year (and hopefully by that time, our journey will be complete). Send positive thoughts without reaching out - we will feel them, I promise. Listen - we may have good days and bad days. Some days we might just need someone to talk it over with. Don't offer suggestions, but be attentive and supportive regardless of the good, the bad, or the ugly. Find ways to advocate for others that may be in similar situations. Have you known someone else that has gone through their own IVF/surrogacy journey? Offer to make those connections. One thing that helps me most is listening to others that have walked these steps before me.
Donate. If you are in a spot in your life where you have a little extra disposable income, be willing to share with Phillip and Bethany. None of this is cheap. Last year, when their hope of a family with genetic DNA was no longer, Phillip and Bethany still had to come to the realization that they were out probably over $40K. How could they even try again knowing the expenses are so high? While I am not accepting any payment for my part in this, the entire process will still cost them well over $50K. Bethany and Phillip's dear friends set up an account to help them ease some of the financial stress. I am so happy to say that over in just a few days, almost $7K has been raised. How amazing is that? Together, I know there are plenty more people out there willing to pass along a little help, they just have to be aware of the journey. Here is their GoFundMe account. Donate and/or share as you can and see fit. All I ask is that I am not identified as their carrier just yet. Now is not the right time, but it will be soon enough.
As I said, I struggle to ask, but after seeing my grandfather on Christmas Eve, with tears in his eyes and a huge smile on his face, write a check to Bethany and Phillip for one thousand dollars I realized that others do want to help and sometimes providing a financial gift is the easiest for them. One. Thousand. Dollars. Just think, if we all chipped in a little, the financial pressure of it all can be eased considerably. Maybe you have gone through something similar and want to help them? Maybe you had no struggles creating your own family but couldn't imagine facing the roller coaster they have been on for five years? Maybe you just have a generous heart and the financial means to give something - no amount is too little.
If you're anything like me, giving is far better than receiving. At the end of this, with all of your prayers, support, and donations, I cannot wait to give Bethany and Phillip their sweet, sweet bundle of joy, made possible by all of you.
Pray. The most important thing is prayers. Pray for strength for all of us. Talk to the big Man about our journey and ask that he watch over us and let it continue to go smoothly. We know this is His doing, but we are doing everything in our power to ensure we are honoring Him in the process. Pray that each step of the way allows for the next, continuing our journey to a sweet little baby. Pray for my body that everything works well and creates a viable pregnancy. Pray for Bethany and Phillip that they continue to feel peace with the journey and that they can be with us throughout the pregnancy as much or as little as they wish. Pray for Jacob. Jacob is my number one support and knows that carrying isn't super easy. He often takes the brunt of it. Pray that Gregory and Meade will be understanding of the baby in my belly and that it is Aunt Bethany and Uncle Phillip's baby. Pray that throughout the time we are pregnant that they are able to educate others, nothing gets to the point better than toddlers! Pray for all of our parents. Every single one of them worries about our health, the journey, potential further devastation, and a healthy baby. Pray for the rest of our families. This isn't easy on anyone but sure is bringing us closer together by the day. Pray that we understand and find solace in each step, regardless of how easy or difficult it may be. Pray for the physicians, clinicians, and medical teams supporting each of us. This may be their daily environment, but no one IVF treatment, body, pregnancy, or well-being of us all is one in the same. Lastly, pray for our patience and trust in Him.
Support. Offer kind words. Check in for no reason. To feel loved and appreciated is one thing that will give us all strength throughout the next year (and hopefully by that time, our journey will be complete). Send positive thoughts without reaching out - we will feel them, I promise. Listen - we may have good days and bad days. Some days we might just need someone to talk it over with. Don't offer suggestions, but be attentive and supportive regardless of the good, the bad, or the ugly. Find ways to advocate for others that may be in similar situations. Have you known someone else that has gone through their own IVF/surrogacy journey? Offer to make those connections. One thing that helps me most is listening to others that have walked these steps before me.
Donate. If you are in a spot in your life where you have a little extra disposable income, be willing to share with Phillip and Bethany. None of this is cheap. Last year, when their hope of a family with genetic DNA was no longer, Phillip and Bethany still had to come to the realization that they were out probably over $40K. How could they even try again knowing the expenses are so high? While I am not accepting any payment for my part in this, the entire process will still cost them well over $50K. Bethany and Phillip's dear friends set up an account to help them ease some of the financial stress. I am so happy to say that over in just a few days, almost $7K has been raised. How amazing is that? Together, I know there are plenty more people out there willing to pass along a little help, they just have to be aware of the journey. Here is their GoFundMe account. Donate and/or share as you can and see fit. All I ask is that I am not identified as their carrier just yet. Now is not the right time, but it will be soon enough.
As I said, I struggle to ask, but after seeing my grandfather on Christmas Eve, with tears in his eyes and a huge smile on his face, write a check to Bethany and Phillip for one thousand dollars I realized that others do want to help and sometimes providing a financial gift is the easiest for them. One. Thousand. Dollars. Just think, if we all chipped in a little, the financial pressure of it all can be eased considerably. Maybe you have gone through something similar and want to help them? Maybe you had no struggles creating your own family but couldn't imagine facing the roller coaster they have been on for five years? Maybe you just have a generous heart and the financial means to give something - no amount is too little.
If you're anything like me, giving is far better than receiving. At the end of this, with all of your prayers, support, and donations, I cannot wait to give Bethany and Phillip their sweet, sweet bundle of joy, made possible by all of you.
Tuesday, December 24, 2019
christmas adam
When our family sat down with Bethany, Phillip, and Phillip's parents - David and Maria - several months ago, they suggested we come to their "Christmas Adam" party. I love parties so I was all in. Food for thought - because Adam comes before Eve and Christmas Eve is the 24th, their party is always held on the 23rd.
Jacob and I had discussed getting a sitter, but instead he opted to stay home. This week is a busy week without a new party to start it off and if it could help Jacob make it through the rest of the festivities to rest at home, I totally understood.
A new event, one that we were going to openly share our journey...I was definitely nervous but more excited. I didn't think I would know anyone other than Bethany, Phillip and their parents. I showed up to their beautiful home and had such a warm welcome. Family members I had never met before shared the best hugs with me! Before I could get through the foyer, an old, dear friend walked up the steps with her beautiful family. Sarah and I worked together many moons ago and I always adored her. We probably hadn't seen each other in ten plus years! She was just as sweet as ever and it turns out she is David and Maria's next door neighbor - small, small world.
So, I spent the evening meeting tons of new people, eating delicious food, learning the traditions of the party, sharing the story of our journey, and being welcomed by everyone. I parted with a heart so full. Everyone there was as lovely as they could be. The ones that knew that I was going to be their gestational carrier vowed their positive thoughts and prayers throughout the rest of the journey. Many of us shared how we couldn't wait until next year's party when there would hopefully be a sweet baby to love on. The entire experience was one that I never could have expected. It was simply amazing. The love and beauty in their home was overwhelming. My heart is happy and I know that we are on this journey with so much more support than I ever could have imagined!
Jacob and I had discussed getting a sitter, but instead he opted to stay home. This week is a busy week without a new party to start it off and if it could help Jacob make it through the rest of the festivities to rest at home, I totally understood.A new event, one that we were going to openly share our journey...I was definitely nervous but more excited. I didn't think I would know anyone other than Bethany, Phillip and their parents. I showed up to their beautiful home and had such a warm welcome. Family members I had never met before shared the best hugs with me! Before I could get through the foyer, an old, dear friend walked up the steps with her beautiful family. Sarah and I worked together many moons ago and I always adored her. We probably hadn't seen each other in ten plus years! She was just as sweet as ever and it turns out she is David and Maria's next door neighbor - small, small world.
So, I spent the evening meeting tons of new people, eating delicious food, learning the traditions of the party, sharing the story of our journey, and being welcomed by everyone. I parted with a heart so full. Everyone there was as lovely as they could be. The ones that knew that I was going to be their gestational carrier vowed their positive thoughts and prayers throughout the rest of the journey. Many of us shared how we couldn't wait until next year's party when there would hopefully be a sweet baby to love on. The entire experience was one that I never could have expected. It was simply amazing. The love and beauty in their home was overwhelming. My heart is happy and I know that we are on this journey with so much more support than I ever could have imagined!
it's verified - i'm not THAT crazy
I got a call today from Laura, the psychologist. She prefaced the call that everything is good to go, however, there were some concerning questions/answers we needed to go over. Uh oh, what does that mean? She did say everything was fine, but man my head was going a mile a minute!
Laura explained that the 567 question, true/false test came out good and was consistent but there were a few outliers. This is normal as one can easily fill in the incorrect bubble. Who wouldn't fuck up a few times on 567 damn questions? Regardless, she needed to go through those items for me to explain better. Some of this is kind of comical, so I thought I would share those answers that I provided that didn't jive with what Laura considers "normal."
Laura explained that the 567 question, true/false test came out good and was consistent but there were a few outliers. This is normal as one can easily fill in the incorrect bubble. Who wouldn't fuck up a few times on 567 damn questions? Regardless, she needed to go through those items for me to explain better. Some of this is kind of comical, so I thought I would share those answers that I provided that didn't jive with what Laura considers "normal."
- You are a high strung person. TRUE. Is that true? Um, yes, of course it is! I definitely don't sit still. I am determined beyond belief. I have a hard time relaxing. I work a little bit better under pressure. So, yes, I do consider myself high strung.
- You often go to sleep at night with thoughts that bother you. TRUE. Well, clearly here, I answered this incorrectly. There is no explanation other than I filled in the wrong bubble.
- I see animals, people, and other things that other people do not see. TRUE. Here again, I completely shaded the wrong bubble. It is destined to happen with 567 freaking questions! Life might be more interesting if this were true, but I guess I am thankful it is not.
- I feel that strangers have looked at me and judged me. TRUE. Absolutely, and unfortunately, we live in a very very judgmental world. As sad as it is, I have definitely felt that way. Being obese my entire life, I have often felt this way. Now, as a mother, I think that people judge my parenting. Let them all judge - everyone does things differently and while it may not be best for one person, it might be for another. But, yes, this is totally true.
- In school, I was sent to the principal's office. TRUE. Who hasn't? While I may have been the trophy child, I am also very stubborn and determined. When Laura asked why I was sent to the office, I told about the first and the last times: In kindergarten I was sent because I was dancing on the table during nap time. As a senior, I was sent because I refused to put my SSN on some stupid survey one of the teachers was doing for another organization. There were many, many other times in between, but who cares?!
- I do not blame people for trying to get all they can. TRUE. Why would I blame others for getting all they can? I strive to be and get all I can out of life. Isn't that what we all should do? There is a distinct difference in getting what you can and taking advantage. I do blame others for taking advantage, but that is not what this question was asking.
- I have been in trouble with the law. TRUE. Embarrassingly, yes, this is true. I got a DUI several years ago, in one of my worst phases of life. Laura didn't have an issue because we had already discussed the awful time in life as well as the DUI.
- I have had fainting spells. TRUE. Yep, here again, I have fainted. In college, I went through a couple of years where I probably fainted half a dozen times. There was never any consistency or reasoning that the doctors could explain. Thankfully, I have not had this issue since that time in my life.
- I am easily awakened by noise. TRUE. Strange question, but I am a light sleeper. Not sure why this would be an outlier, but whatever.
These were the ones that Laura wanted to discuss. What I learned from this is that every question is truly up for to the takers' interpretation. Who knows how many I actually filled out wrong on my end but were what the "experts" wanted to hear? No one will ever know! ;) Once discussed, Laura found no issues. All is well and we will go back up to NoVA for our group counseling session next week!
Sunday, December 22, 2019
ready to ride
From an outsider's perspective, it is likely hard to understand all of the logistics that has to go into this. I was delightfully surprised when I opened email tonight to see contact from our nurse this past Friday. Here is a brief snippet of what the next steps are (aside from my MFM consultation, the remaining psychological sessions, executing legal agreements...I could go on and on):
I will call in the prescription for the Estrogen and Progesterone medication to a Fertility Specialty pharmacy called RARx. They will contact you to coordinate delivery of the medications to your house.
So, onto the next steps. One thing at a time. I will keep taking these steps as they come and so look forward to the end result later next year, if we are lucky enough to carry a sweet child without issue!
My name is Stephanie and I am the nurse who will
be working with you. I have been working with Bethany and Phillip for a while
and they are the sweetest couple. I understand all went well yesterday which
is wonderful.
Please let me know when your next menses
starts (full flow) and I will get you prepared for the medicated mock cycle.
You will need to have a baseline blood HCG (pregnancy test) done on day 2, 3
or 4 of menses prior to starting the mock cycle which consists of estrogen medication
for about 2 weeks followed by a blood work/ultrasound to measure the
endometrial thickness. How far do you live from the Richmond office? You may go
to this office for monitoring or any Shady Grove office that is convenient for
you.
Depending on the
results of the 2 weeks on estrogen medication you will be instructed to start
an oral form of Progesterone called Provera but I will give you instructions.I will call in the prescription for the Estrogen and Progesterone medication to a Fertility Specialty pharmacy called RARx. They will contact you to coordinate delivery of the medications to your house.
So, onto the next steps. One thing at a time. I will keep taking these steps as they come and so look forward to the end result later next year, if we are lucky enough to carry a sweet child without issue!
Friday, December 20, 2019
all strapped in
Our seat belts buckled and the bars down, we had no idea the twists and turns of the roller coaster we were on Thursday. I have tried to detail much of it, hold on for the ride...
The four of us (Bethany and Phillip, Jacob and me) walked into SGF early. We were on a time crunch between the appointments there in Arlington and Jacob and my appointments with the psychologist in DC that afternoon. Our clinical coordinator suggested we get there early and informed them of the time crunch we were on. The receptionist wasn't so nice and friendly, told us our appointments were at a different time than we had scheduled, but Bethany handled it like a champ even though I wanted to bark the lady's ear off.
Within minutes in the waiting area, I was taken to the lab. The sweetest phlebotomist, who does pretty much everything there, named Ann, got me on the first stick and I gave her the 7 (I think) vials of blood. Ann had mentioned they were expecting me and that everything would be fine. Blood drawn and pee sample given, it was back to the waiting room we went. Anne called me in again to get my weight. 205.7!!! Right where I thought I was and definitely shows everyone at Shady Grove the progress we are making!
It wasn't long before we were called back for the mock embryo transfer (MET). Bethany went in with me. I was pretty nervous, because these things can hurt. I hadn't taken motrin or anything as a precaution and the PA said I really didn't need it that the HSG would have hurt worse. They put a catheter through my cervix and into my uterus. I literally only felt the speculum they put in. When they said that it was in, I couldn't believe it. Bethany and I watched everything on the screen. They then put in the saline to open the uterus and get a better view. They showed where they could see my cesarean scars and pointed out that everything looks really good! She did an internal ultrasound and showed both of my ovaries, also great (not that they are needed for this). Thus, you can see our before and after shots!
Back to the waiting room we went before we were called back for the consultation with Dr. Nair. We were technically scheduled with her at 11, but had hoped to be called earlier due to our crazy day. We probably went back around 1050 and the four of us crowded into her office. She was such a lovely person. We went through all that we had discussed previously and even getting additional testing. Of course, with every additional test, there are additional costs. Dr. Nair was going to see if we could be candidates for a study being done to take care of those expenses. Should that work, we would definitely explore it further, although it could delay the overall timing of things, too. Dr. Nair was very positive about everything! We discussed all of the next steps, which if everything goes well, we can most likely do the transfer in the February/March time frame!!! We left her office all on a high. As Bethany had said, everything in their first IVF journey was speed bump after hurdle. With today's tests thus far, everything was perfect. Of course, I still had some weight to lose, but we were right on track! When I asked Dr. Nair what else I can do to prepare, she said just keep doing what I am doing to lose weight and not lose track of overall wellness. Sure thing!!
Into an uber and off to DC we go for the psych evaluation! Dr. Covington (Laura), the psychologist was very nice. She took me in for about an hour and a half by myself. Jacob went to grab a bite to eat and relax. There were really no questions that I hadn't already thought about or ones that weren't obvious to answer based on my history. Although it was a lot, it went like clockwork. I was ushered out and Jacob went in for about 20 minutes on his own. Laura came back out to get me and we discussed more together for about an hour. Every time I did a pulse check with Laura, she was very positive. There were no outright concerns that she could think of (or was willing to share with us). Once that part was done, Jacob was back out to the waiting room and I completed the MMPI, some personality inventory that consisted of 567 questions - yes 567! All questions were answered in True/False manner on a scantron sheet. Many questions were duplicates but asked differently, I suppose for consistency purposes. I think I finished in about an hour. During that time, Laura was in and out as she had said she needed to make some phone calls. When all was said and done, I again asked about how she felt and next steps. She mentioned that she should have the results of the testing next week and she would follow up at that time. While her response wasn't as positive as the earlier ones, I just assumed it was a formality and I confirmed that we did have our counseling session as a group of four on January 3rd. Before I left, I took a picture of this on her bookshelf. God must've known I was going to need to read it over and over and over.
As I was shaking her hand to leave, I got a phone call from a NoVA number that I did not know. I declined it and we walked out. The same number called again and I assumed it was our uber back, so I asked Jacob to answer it so I could say bye to Laura. Jacob was quick to say it was Dr. Nair and she needed to speak with me. Interesting? We had just discussed everything a little bit ago. I had to pee so bad so took her on the phone into the bathroom. She asked several detailed questions about my delivery with Gregory and why I was put under among other questions. She then said that she is doing due diligence to ensure that the Medical Director wouldn't have any issues. I proceeded to get a little shitty and said Dr. Nair, why would any of us have made the time for everything today if those questions (which we have already covered) could be show stoppers? She apologized and said she just had to cross all of the ts and dot all of the is. I understand, however, Bethany and Phillip have spent THOUSANDS of dollars on today's visits alone and this is not at all fair to any of us. Dr. Nair understood and said that if for some reason we were not able to proceed, SGF would find a way to credit Bethany and Phillip back.
I got off the phone feeling the lowest low after experiencing the highest highs throughout the day. What now? Should I get Bethany worried? I had to tell them, we have vowed to be open and honest through everything. Our four hour drive home was me stewing in my own mess and Jacob egging me on. Finally, I had to tell myself and Jacob that I couldn't talk about it anymore, thinking of all the buts and ifs, because my mind was making it worse. We finally got home around 9pm and profusely thanked my parents for picking up the kids and doing the evening routine with them before they headed back on the 1.5 hour drive home. We filled them in on everything and the frustration that the beautiful day ended on. Of course, they were supportive and hopeful it would all work out.
I was able to sleep, but woke up with the raw emotions of it all. I was scared and frustrated. I prayed and prayed. I knew God's plan was bigger than mine and he would guide is through it all regardless of the AWFUL uncertainty ahead. I went into the gym and only did one mile, but vowed to do more later in the day. I decided to check my e-mail to see if we had heard anything from our clinical coordinator. Low and behold, I had this message from her (from yesterday afternoon):
Even the clinical coordinator was on the same page as we were all day long (until we weren't). What went wrong and when?!? That's the question I kept asking myself.
Around 8am I got a call from Bethany that everything was just fine. She had just gotten off the phone with Dr. Nair who was very apologetic but had run my records by colleagues and we had no reason to worry. A new next step would be to have a consultation with a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor and have those notes sent to Dr. Nair. This is totally fine considering I had an MFM follow me through the last two pregnancies and I didn't mind at all. After all, if this is what we have to do, no worries. The relief I felt was awesome, but then it felt like I had the worst hangover ever. I took a nap and still woke up feeling like crap. I decided that I needed to take my mind off of everything so I called my parents and asked if I could bring the kids to visit. I told Bethany I was not going to get back in the gym and she was very supportive of that - I think we all just needed a mental break. So, I picked up the kids after lunch at school and headed to my parents house to see my aunt in from Florida and meet my cousin's child for the first time. It was a great evening and exactly what I needed.
I must say, writing this has me reliving all of those emotions, but I promised to give the good, the bad, and the ugly to those reading. This is not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but I am wholeheartedly in it for the long haul!
The four of us (Bethany and Phillip, Jacob and me) walked into SGF early. We were on a time crunch between the appointments there in Arlington and Jacob and my appointments with the psychologist in DC that afternoon. Our clinical coordinator suggested we get there early and informed them of the time crunch we were on. The receptionist wasn't so nice and friendly, told us our appointments were at a different time than we had scheduled, but Bethany handled it like a champ even though I wanted to bark the lady's ear off.
It wasn't long before we were called back for the mock embryo transfer (MET). Bethany went in with me. I was pretty nervous, because these things can hurt. I hadn't taken motrin or anything as a precaution and the PA said I really didn't need it that the HSG would have hurt worse. They put a catheter through my cervix and into my uterus. I literally only felt the speculum they put in. When they said that it was in, I couldn't believe it. Bethany and I watched everything on the screen. They then put in the saline to open the uterus and get a better view. They showed where they could see my cesarean scars and pointed out that everything looks really good! She did an internal ultrasound and showed both of my ovaries, also great (not that they are needed for this). Thus, you can see our before and after shots!Back to the waiting room we went before we were called back for the consultation with Dr. Nair. We were technically scheduled with her at 11, but had hoped to be called earlier due to our crazy day. We probably went back around 1050 and the four of us crowded into her office. She was such a lovely person. We went through all that we had discussed previously and even getting additional testing. Of course, with every additional test, there are additional costs. Dr. Nair was going to see if we could be candidates for a study being done to take care of those expenses. Should that work, we would definitely explore it further, although it could delay the overall timing of things, too. Dr. Nair was very positive about everything! We discussed all of the next steps, which if everything goes well, we can most likely do the transfer in the February/March time frame!!! We left her office all on a high. As Bethany had said, everything in their first IVF journey was speed bump after hurdle. With today's tests thus far, everything was perfect. Of course, I still had some weight to lose, but we were right on track! When I asked Dr. Nair what else I can do to prepare, she said just keep doing what I am doing to lose weight and not lose track of overall wellness. Sure thing!!
Into an uber and off to DC we go for the psych evaluation! Dr. Covington (Laura), the psychologist was very nice. She took me in for about an hour and a half by myself. Jacob went to grab a bite to eat and relax. There were really no questions that I hadn't already thought about or ones that weren't obvious to answer based on my history. Although it was a lot, it went like clockwork. I was ushered out and Jacob went in for about 20 minutes on his own. Laura came back out to get me and we discussed more together for about an hour. Every time I did a pulse check with Laura, she was very positive. There were no outright concerns that she could think of (or was willing to share with us). Once that part was done, Jacob was back out to the waiting room and I completed the MMPI, some personality inventory that consisted of 567 questions - yes 567! All questions were answered in True/False manner on a scantron sheet. Many questions were duplicates but asked differently, I suppose for consistency purposes. I think I finished in about an hour. During that time, Laura was in and out as she had said she needed to make some phone calls. When all was said and done, I again asked about how she felt and next steps. She mentioned that she should have the results of the testing next week and she would follow up at that time. While her response wasn't as positive as the earlier ones, I just assumed it was a formality and I confirmed that we did have our counseling session as a group of four on January 3rd. Before I left, I took a picture of this on her bookshelf. God must've known I was going to need to read it over and over and over.
As I was shaking her hand to leave, I got a phone call from a NoVA number that I did not know. I declined it and we walked out. The same number called again and I assumed it was our uber back, so I asked Jacob to answer it so I could say bye to Laura. Jacob was quick to say it was Dr. Nair and she needed to speak with me. Interesting? We had just discussed everything a little bit ago. I had to pee so bad so took her on the phone into the bathroom. She asked several detailed questions about my delivery with Gregory and why I was put under among other questions. She then said that she is doing due diligence to ensure that the Medical Director wouldn't have any issues. I proceeded to get a little shitty and said Dr. Nair, why would any of us have made the time for everything today if those questions (which we have already covered) could be show stoppers? She apologized and said she just had to cross all of the ts and dot all of the is. I understand, however, Bethany and Phillip have spent THOUSANDS of dollars on today's visits alone and this is not at all fair to any of us. Dr. Nair understood and said that if for some reason we were not able to proceed, SGF would find a way to credit Bethany and Phillip back.
I got off the phone feeling the lowest low after experiencing the highest highs throughout the day. What now? Should I get Bethany worried? I had to tell them, we have vowed to be open and honest through everything. Our four hour drive home was me stewing in my own mess and Jacob egging me on. Finally, I had to tell myself and Jacob that I couldn't talk about it anymore, thinking of all the buts and ifs, because my mind was making it worse. We finally got home around 9pm and profusely thanked my parents for picking up the kids and doing the evening routine with them before they headed back on the 1.5 hour drive home. We filled them in on everything and the frustration that the beautiful day ended on. Of course, they were supportive and hopeful it would all work out.
I was able to sleep, but woke up with the raw emotions of it all. I was scared and frustrated. I prayed and prayed. I knew God's plan was bigger than mine and he would guide is through it all regardless of the AWFUL uncertainty ahead. I went into the gym and only did one mile, but vowed to do more later in the day. I decided to check my e-mail to see if we had heard anything from our clinical coordinator. Low and behold, I had this message from her (from yesterday afternoon):
Hi All, I want to update you. The synchrony study is not eligible for gestational
carriers. Dr. Nair said the appointment went well. We will be able to move onto the mockeep with Julia’s next
period and receipt of the psych consult report. Julia, just saw your BMI. Awesome job!
Even the clinical coordinator was on the same page as we were all day long (until we weren't). What went wrong and when?!? That's the question I kept asking myself.
Around 8am I got a call from Bethany that everything was just fine. She had just gotten off the phone with Dr. Nair who was very apologetic but had run my records by colleagues and we had no reason to worry. A new next step would be to have a consultation with a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor and have those notes sent to Dr. Nair. This is totally fine considering I had an MFM follow me through the last two pregnancies and I didn't mind at all. After all, if this is what we have to do, no worries. The relief I felt was awesome, but then it felt like I had the worst hangover ever. I took a nap and still woke up feeling like crap. I decided that I needed to take my mind off of everything so I called my parents and asked if I could bring the kids to visit. I told Bethany I was not going to get back in the gym and she was very supportive of that - I think we all just needed a mental break. So, I picked up the kids after lunch at school and headed to my parents house to see my aunt in from Florida and meet my cousin's child for the first time. It was a great evening and exactly what I needed.
I must say, writing this has me reliving all of those emotions, but I promised to give the good, the bad, and the ugly to those reading. This is not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but I am wholeheartedly in it for the long haul!
Thursday, December 19, 2019
uncertainty
Instead of listening to my now normal podcasts (journeys of others throughout infertility, IVF, surrogacy, egg donation, etc.) at the gym, I knew I needed something different today. I was searching for something to give positive thoughts for the big day ahead. Nothing was striking me so I went back to another podcast I have listened to several times called Unf*ck Your Brain. There was an episode on uncertainty. I decided this is exactly what I need.
So much of this journey is unknown. There is no defined path or perfect course. Every body, relationship, embryo is different. I realize that uncertainty often paralyzes me. It is basically a fear of the unknown like I have already written about. This journey is uncharted territory for us at the time and regardless of the planner mindset I have, I need to work on embracing the present, not worrying about the future, but preparing my mind to know that whatever the future holds will create the best path for all of us.
Should things not go perfectly, we all have to accept that, place no blame, refuse to overthink the whys, ifs, etc., and realize that the crazy ride we are on is the right course.
What I have learned is that I must manage my mind through all of this. I cannot manage the outcome, but I can make the decision to understand that regardless of the next steps, I have to love each stage as part of the journey. While I can remain curious and search for knowledge, I cannot focus on the future, just how I feel today and how I plan to tackle whatever is thrown our way. If I decide on purpose that the version of my life and what is uncertain because of whatever happens after it, what I learn, and how I grow, I am preparing myself far better than planning for the unknown. I am going to love this journey no matter what happens. Our thoughts create our results and if we are not afraid of uncertainty, we remain present in our experiences and feel the beauty of it, all of it - the hardships, the bumps, the joys, everything.
“The only certainty you need is that you can manage your mind no matter what happens and that you can love whatever life you have. And when you know that, there are no risks you’re not willing to take. There are no experiences you’re not willing to show up for. There is no life you’re not willing to have. There is no moment you are not willing to be present with. That is the one thing of which you can be certain.” - Kara Loewentheil
All positive thoughts and prayers are welcomed today! The only certain thing is that at the end of the day, we will all be more educated and better understand what comes next, if anything!
So much of this journey is unknown. There is no defined path or perfect course. Every body, relationship, embryo is different. I realize that uncertainty often paralyzes me. It is basically a fear of the unknown like I have already written about. This journey is uncharted territory for us at the time and regardless of the planner mindset I have, I need to work on embracing the present, not worrying about the future, but preparing my mind to know that whatever the future holds will create the best path for all of us.
Should things not go perfectly, we all have to accept that, place no blame, refuse to overthink the whys, ifs, etc., and realize that the crazy ride we are on is the right course.
What I have learned is that I must manage my mind through all of this. I cannot manage the outcome, but I can make the decision to understand that regardless of the next steps, I have to love each stage as part of the journey. While I can remain curious and search for knowledge, I cannot focus on the future, just how I feel today and how I plan to tackle whatever is thrown our way. If I decide on purpose that the version of my life and what is uncertain because of whatever happens after it, what I learn, and how I grow, I am preparing myself far better than planning for the unknown. I am going to love this journey no matter what happens. Our thoughts create our results and if we are not afraid of uncertainty, we remain present in our experiences and feel the beauty of it, all of it - the hardships, the bumps, the joys, everything.
“The only certainty you need is that you can manage your mind no matter what happens and that you can love whatever life you have. And when you know that, there are no risks you’re not willing to take. There are no experiences you’re not willing to show up for. There is no life you’re not willing to have. There is no moment you are not willing to be present with. That is the one thing of which you can be certain.” - Kara Loewentheil
All positive thoughts and prayers are welcomed today! The only certain thing is that at the end of the day, we will all be more educated and better understand what comes next, if anything!
Tuesday, December 17, 2019
refreshed
In the last hour and a half, I have been able to put my mind back into what this is all about. I had been fretting over the next post, but I did it. I hadn't been leaning on my faith as much as I should, but have since had a long conversation with the man upstairs. I got two sweaty miles in at the gym. I feel good, despite having a cold and being pretty snotty.
I am not sure there was any one reason or thing that put it all back into perspective but boy am I thankful. I have missed this feeling recently. Life is good and albeit crazy this time of year, I still have so much to be appreciative of and so many souls that I value immensely!
I am not sure there was any one reason or thing that put it all back into perspective but boy am I thankful. I have missed this feeling recently. Life is good and albeit crazy this time of year, I still have so much to be appreciative of and so many souls that I value immensely!
nerves
I have been a little nervous to write lately. While everything is okay on our end, poor Bethany and Phillip are trying to get their sweet puppy well. Jacob and I have made it very clear that if we need to reschedule Thursday's appointments, that is okay. I may not want anything delayed, I also want Bethany and Phillip in a completely good mindset to proceed.
Prior to our appointments this week, and because we have not met with our attorneys yet, Bethany and I have to have some candid conversations. Even though I think we are on the same page, I have to be sure. Imagine these difficult topics:
Prior to our appointments this week, and because we have not met with our attorneys yet, Bethany and I have to have some candid conversations. Even though I think we are on the same page, I have to be sure. Imagine these difficult topics:
- What if my health is ever in jeopardy?
- What if the baby's health is ever in jeopardy?
- What if the embryo splits? Will selective reduction be a factor?
- What if a test comes back with high probability of a genetic disorder, such as Down Syndrome?
These are just the tip of the iceberg. I truly believe we are in agreement on these items, but we still have to have the conversation. The worst would be if we both go into our individual psych sessions and have differing opinions. I would imagine that would rule us out pretty quickly.
So, here's to hoping for some time to connect with Bethany and Phillip, sincere prayers for puppy Lucy, a significant weight loss this week, safe travels to and from NoVA/DC, and the right frame of mind for all of us as we go through the motions this Thursday!
Thursday, December 12, 2019
little progress = bigger goals
These last few weeks have been extremely difficult. I have been working to get our Christmas cards done, pulling off a surprise birthday party, celebrating Jacob's birthday, hosting Thanksgiving, taking care of everything at work, death of a family friend, all while juggling the added crap that comes with the holiday season. I have been struggling to eat well and be committed to the gym. I have been going to the gym most days, but typically quit after a mile because I am not into it.
Over the past two weeks, I have only lost two pounds total. Frankly, I am very happy for those losses, but know I could have done more. I have been eating like shit days on end, which definitely doesn't help when it comes to less exercise.
Bethany and I made a pact this week to kick ass in the gym over the next week. So, starting yesterday and through next Tuesday, we are both going to get 20 miles in! I am hoping for a 3 pound loss this week, which will take me down to 205. I think being at 205 will be a good place as we go to meet Dr. Nair for the mock embryo transfer next Thursday and then spend the remainder of the day in DC getting our psychological evaluation done.
For the mock embryo transfer (or MET) that we are having next week, there really isn't anything I know of that can count us out with that test. Basically, it is a trial run of the actual transfer so that the doctor get measurements and figure out the best navigation. After this, there is another mock transfer, called the medicated mock transfer to then test the uterine lining (which is huge to ensuring I stay in the shared risk program). The difference between the two is that right now, I am on oral birth control. When I have the medicated mock, I will be off the birth control and taking oral meds and having shots administered to prepare my body for the best possible outcome for pregnancy. This medical regimen is repeated for actual transfer, too.
The psychological evaluation will take about 5 hours (kill me now). Poor Jacob took off work, too. He has to go for the MET to have blood work drawn. If we are going to be sexually active during pregnancy, it is important to ensure that he also does not have any infectious diseases. He also has a part of the psych eval. APparently, I will meet with the psychologist on my own for about an hour and a half, then the two of us together for another hour and a half, then I have to take some scantron personality test which takes a couple of hours.
My parents have so kindly agreed to come and pick our kids up from school and do the evening routine because we likely won't get home until pretty late. Even if we finish up around 5, I assume traffic will be a nightmare and we may not be home until 9 or so.
So, big week next week. In the meantime, send me all of your thoughts and motivation to eat well and get my 20 miles in! Last time I set a goal like this (18 miles), I got it done and had a big loss!
Here goes nothing!
Over the past two weeks, I have only lost two pounds total. Frankly, I am very happy for those losses, but know I could have done more. I have been eating like shit days on end, which definitely doesn't help when it comes to less exercise.
Bethany and I made a pact this week to kick ass in the gym over the next week. So, starting yesterday and through next Tuesday, we are both going to get 20 miles in! I am hoping for a 3 pound loss this week, which will take me down to 205. I think being at 205 will be a good place as we go to meet Dr. Nair for the mock embryo transfer next Thursday and then spend the remainder of the day in DC getting our psychological evaluation done.
For the mock embryo transfer (or MET) that we are having next week, there really isn't anything I know of that can count us out with that test. Basically, it is a trial run of the actual transfer so that the doctor get measurements and figure out the best navigation. After this, there is another mock transfer, called the medicated mock transfer to then test the uterine lining (which is huge to ensuring I stay in the shared risk program). The difference between the two is that right now, I am on oral birth control. When I have the medicated mock, I will be off the birth control and taking oral meds and having shots administered to prepare my body for the best possible outcome for pregnancy. This medical regimen is repeated for actual transfer, too.
The psychological evaluation will take about 5 hours (kill me now). Poor Jacob took off work, too. He has to go for the MET to have blood work drawn. If we are going to be sexually active during pregnancy, it is important to ensure that he also does not have any infectious diseases. He also has a part of the psych eval. APparently, I will meet with the psychologist on my own for about an hour and a half, then the two of us together for another hour and a half, then I have to take some scantron personality test which takes a couple of hours.
My parents have so kindly agreed to come and pick our kids up from school and do the evening routine because we likely won't get home until pretty late. Even if we finish up around 5, I assume traffic will be a nightmare and we may not be home until 9 or so.
So, big week next week. In the meantime, send me all of your thoughts and motivation to eat well and get my 20 miles in! Last time I set a goal like this (18 miles), I got it done and had a big loss!
Here goes nothing!
Wednesday, December 4, 2019
validation
Most mornings, while walking at the gym I listen to different pod casts that show perspectives of intended parents as well as carriers. This morning was no different, however, I took the time after I got home to actually finish the podcast. I am so glad I did! Here is a snippet of what the intended mother had to say about the journey of infertility and surrogacy and her largest piece of advice through it all:
"Advocate for yourself every single step from the beginning or you waste so much time and you waste so much money if you are not willing to search out answers for yourself. As much as you might love your clinic, as much as you might love your RE, they are all human. They see so many people in the same boat, trying to have a baby, and there is just only so much personalization you can do to each person's protocol, treatment, and plan. Sometimes it is going to be in your best interest to think outside the box and to challenge your medical providers in what their plan of care is for you. It may be more cookie cutter than it needs to be. Research, research, research, and be your own champion to have the family you want." Ashlee Hammonds (Podcast I want to Put a Baby in You!)
We are in this for a reason and I will never stop doing my own due diligence, even if it means not directly dealing with Bethany and Phillip's providers.
"Advocate for yourself every single step from the beginning or you waste so much time and you waste so much money if you are not willing to search out answers for yourself. As much as you might love your clinic, as much as you might love your RE, they are all human. They see so many people in the same boat, trying to have a baby, and there is just only so much personalization you can do to each person's protocol, treatment, and plan. Sometimes it is going to be in your best interest to think outside the box and to challenge your medical providers in what their plan of care is for you. It may be more cookie cutter than it needs to be. Research, research, research, and be your own champion to have the family you want." Ashlee Hammonds (Podcast I want to Put a Baby in You!)
We are in this for a reason and I will never stop doing my own due diligence, even if it means not directly dealing with Bethany and Phillip's providers.
a new day
In the meantime, I have listened to so many videos about others that have gone through the psychological evaluation. I also am searching for webinars specific for gestational carriers. While I did go to one SGF webinar, it was obviously for the intended parents, not for the carriers. They allowed me to ask questions, but still it was not catered to my needs as a carrier.
I have sent myself several different links to review over the next few days as time allows. I guess the really good thing here is that there is a plethora of information out there, if you are willing to research. If SGF is not forthcoming with specific information, I will find it on my own! That is just me and I am totally okay with that.
As Bethany mentioned, these are more twists and turns in the adventure. I am along for the ride. I liked roller coasters when I was younger, but I appreciate smoother rides as I have aged. We will get there!
Tuesday, December 3, 2019
letting it go
There’s a time and a place for me in this journey. It is not me at the helm. While I have been persistent and asking a ton of questions, it has become obvious that Shady Grove and their clinicians do not appreciate my due diligence. This is a test for me - I hate tests! As much as my patience is already tested, I have to let Bethany take the reigns and simply follow.
I refuse to give up. I will never give up. I do feel a bit defeated, but I have to get over that. I have always been one to ask a lot of questions to be able to make the most informed decision possible. Shady Grove does not appreciate me, as the gestational carrier, being in that position. I have to respect that. I am just a means to the end.
I have always been a leader, not a follower. God put me in this position to teach me to slow my role and let things happen. This is so difficult - I am not good at this. However, together, we will prevail.
A little back story here is that I have asked a ton of questions to the clinical coordinator, few of which have been answered and if broached at all, not answered completely. That is not okay with me. But, I will begin to defer to Bethany and Phillip to ask the questions we both have. After Bethany spoke with the Psychologist today (the only one we were referred to in the Richmond area), it was obvious that she was not happy I had done the initial outreach. She also was upset that I had asked billing questions. All of this very frustrating!
At this point, I feel as if SGF is somewhat like a cult. They rope you in so tightly, not willing to disclose the dirty truths that by the time you have to sign the dotted line, you feel as if there is no other option but to sign before all of the information is displayed. I know the "cult" analogy may be a little harsh, but it really feels like that at times. SGF is out to make money, which I cannot blame them for, but it seems as though creating families is by far a second priority. There is no reason why much of this testing can be done elsewhere and should not have to be self-pay for Bethany and Phillip.
I know I have rambled much of this post. I am trying very hard to stay positive and follow God's plan - not Shady Grove's. If God feels that we must go through them, then so be it. However, I will not be so willing without the appropriate information at the right time to ensure it is the best option by far. I am frustrated but am going to go to bed and say my prayers thanking God for putting us all in this together. I am going to wake up tomorrow with a new outlook on the process, while keeping the end goal at the heart of it all.
I refuse to give up. I will never give up. I do feel a bit defeated, but I have to get over that. I have always been one to ask a lot of questions to be able to make the most informed decision possible. Shady Grove does not appreciate me, as the gestational carrier, being in that position. I have to respect that. I am just a means to the end.
I have always been a leader, not a follower. God put me in this position to teach me to slow my role and let things happen. This is so difficult - I am not good at this. However, together, we will prevail.
A little back story here is that I have asked a ton of questions to the clinical coordinator, few of which have been answered and if broached at all, not answered completely. That is not okay with me. But, I will begin to defer to Bethany and Phillip to ask the questions we both have. After Bethany spoke with the Psychologist today (the only one we were referred to in the Richmond area), it was obvious that she was not happy I had done the initial outreach. She also was upset that I had asked billing questions. All of this very frustrating!
At this point, I feel as if SGF is somewhat like a cult. They rope you in so tightly, not willing to disclose the dirty truths that by the time you have to sign the dotted line, you feel as if there is no other option but to sign before all of the information is displayed. I know the "cult" analogy may be a little harsh, but it really feels like that at times. SGF is out to make money, which I cannot blame them for, but it seems as though creating families is by far a second priority. There is no reason why much of this testing can be done elsewhere and should not have to be self-pay for Bethany and Phillip.
I know I have rambled much of this post. I am trying very hard to stay positive and follow God's plan - not Shady Grove's. If God feels that we must go through them, then so be it. However, I will not be so willing without the appropriate information at the right time to ensure it is the best option by far. I am frustrated but am going to go to bed and say my prayers thanking God for putting us all in this together. I am going to wake up tomorrow with a new outlook on the process, while keeping the end goal at the heart of it all.
Saturday, November 30, 2019
a lifetime of thanks
There's no other place I'd rather be right now. I am with the perfect people, doing what we were meant to do in this life. I know I have said it over and over, but the gratitude I have for everything in my life right now explodes out of me. I could never be in this position without this journey helping me to figure it all out.
Thursday was beautiful. Some of Jacob's family and some of my family came together for a great supper and time with one another. The kids were so excited for cousin time and my aunts gave in and played many rounds of hungry, hungry hippo. I still have the winning song in my head!
Friday, Bethany and Phillip met us at the gym to work out. It was really nice to be together and have quality time with one another that didn't involve food or drinks and we still were accomplishing part of what we set out to do. We then headed home and continued to chat (as much as possible with the kids running around).
Bethany asked me a question that I had never really considered. She said, what if it doesn't work the first time? The shared risk program allows up to six cycles. Well, I haven't thought of it because the end result here is a baby. We will do everything in our power to bring a baby home, if it means six cycles. I am game. I think that it will be really difficult, but we are committed and if we stopped after trying with no success, we aren't giving the process justice. That said, Bethany was really sweet and through tears she said that if we were ever to change our minds, they would understand. One thing about this entire path is that so often we reassure each other that there are many IFs throughout it all. And should there ever be an IF of proceeding on either side, we will respect the others, no questions asked. Takes me back to that first email I received from Christen, about IF something didn't work out or IF we changed our mind. I think I have said this before, too, but it is no longer an IF, but a when. Should when be further down the road that we hope, that is okay and God will surely be testing my patience, but it will be a test I will pass with flying colors!
Thursday was beautiful. Some of Jacob's family and some of my family came together for a great supper and time with one another. The kids were so excited for cousin time and my aunts gave in and played many rounds of hungry, hungry hippo. I still have the winning song in my head!
Friday, Bethany and Phillip met us at the gym to work out. It was really nice to be together and have quality time with one another that didn't involve food or drinks and we still were accomplishing part of what we set out to do. We then headed home and continued to chat (as much as possible with the kids running around).
Bethany asked me a question that I had never really considered. She said, what if it doesn't work the first time? The shared risk program allows up to six cycles. Well, I haven't thought of it because the end result here is a baby. We will do everything in our power to bring a baby home, if it means six cycles. I am game. I think that it will be really difficult, but we are committed and if we stopped after trying with no success, we aren't giving the process justice. That said, Bethany was really sweet and through tears she said that if we were ever to change our minds, they would understand. One thing about this entire path is that so often we reassure each other that there are many IFs throughout it all. And should there ever be an IF of proceeding on either side, we will respect the others, no questions asked. Takes me back to that first email I received from Christen, about IF something didn't work out or IF we changed our mind. I think I have said this before, too, but it is no longer an IF, but a when. Should when be further down the road that we hope, that is okay and God will surely be testing my patience, but it will be a test I will pass with flying colors!
Wednesday, November 27, 2019
WiW
Well, today is Weigh in Wednesday again. I am so estatic that I have to share with the world that I lost another 4 pounds! This brings me to 210 and 20 away from the transfer goal! So emotional, so proud, so excited!
Now, let's just hope that with the impending holiday, I don't manage to gain any back this coming week!
Now, let's just hope that with the impending holiday, I don't manage to gain any back this coming week!
Monday, November 25, 2019
the ugly
So, this "journal" is about keeping it real, right? That means the good, the bad, and the ugly. I try to stay so very positive throughout everything but today was difficult. In a good way. Just beware, there is some TMI in here, so read at your own risk. ;)
I had prepped everything to a T for today's IUD removal. I was going to take four motrin and half a xanax before I went in. I got everything taken care of for work and was headed to the post office before my appointment. I quickly remembered I didn't take the medicine and of course do not keep my xanax with me. Whatever, I will get through it. I did pop the four motrin. In line at the post office, Jacob texted to say his school was on lock down for an active shooter (thank God that there was no shooter, but they had to treat it as such because it was called in to the police). So, before even getting to my appointment, my nerves were shot.
Parking. Ugh, parking at VCU is the worst, but I knew that before going in. It took me 15 minutes just to get through the deck to find an open spot! So, I literally walked into the clinic with 1 minute to spare and paperwork to do. Dr. C's nurse was as sweet as she could be. I had had my prior IUD removed, so it wasn't going to be a big deal, I'm a big girl!
Dr. C is the sweetest ever, I mean, I wish I could be her friend. When she saw me she lit up like I had never seen. She was so proud of my weight loss and is so invested in this journey with us! Time for the procedure. Of course, there will be pressure and cramping. I took the deep breaths like she asked. It hurt like hell, she was tugging, but to no avail. She said she was taking a break, so I tried to relax for a second. She asked the nurse for another tool. Same story here, same result. Lots of heavy breathing (or really none at all) until she asked the nurse for something else. I quickly said is this a break? Can I relax for a minute? She laughed and apologized.
We keep going with the new tool. It hurts like hell and the damn thing is not budging. Another tool we try. Another attempt failed. Shit, stop, oh, wait, shit, real shit. I kind of jokingly said Dr. C, if I poot on you I am really sorry. In my mind, I thought I was going to shit all over her, but didn't have the gumption to say that. I think at that point she realized I didn't know if I could handle much more and said yes, the cramps are not just in the normal spots, but also in my bowels. Of course if I poot that is fine and she giggled. Yeah, well, there may be some substance lady and you are not in your scrubs today!
So, she took a moments break and asked for another tool. She said she was going to have to dilate my cervix a little bit to get it done. Man oh man, that hurt worse. Would the xanax have made me feel better, YES, I am such an idiot to have forgotten it. So, she starts dilating and it hurts like a bitch. She gets another tool and finally, finally, that little damn peice of plastic made its exit. Shew, I could breath again. We all laughed a little. I thanked God I didn't shit all over the place. Dr. C and I hugged and we went on our way.
I know in my heart there will be a lot more physical pain to endure, but I am up for that challenge. Everything is going to be just fine! I am glad I got a before picture, y'all. The after was not as glamorous! So, I am not sure exactly who this person is, but I am getting to know her, love her, and cherish her.
"I think that pain gives us appreciation of joy - it's a package deal. And I definitely think that the joys of life far outweigh the pain." ~ Frederick Lenz
I had prepped everything to a T for today's IUD removal. I was going to take four motrin and half a xanax before I went in. I got everything taken care of for work and was headed to the post office before my appointment. I quickly remembered I didn't take the medicine and of course do not keep my xanax with me. Whatever, I will get through it. I did pop the four motrin. In line at the post office, Jacob texted to say his school was on lock down for an active shooter (thank God that there was no shooter, but they had to treat it as such because it was called in to the police). So, before even getting to my appointment, my nerves were shot.
Parking. Ugh, parking at VCU is the worst, but I knew that before going in. It took me 15 minutes just to get through the deck to find an open spot! So, I literally walked into the clinic with 1 minute to spare and paperwork to do. Dr. C's nurse was as sweet as she could be. I had had my prior IUD removed, so it wasn't going to be a big deal, I'm a big girl!
Dr. C is the sweetest ever, I mean, I wish I could be her friend. When she saw me she lit up like I had never seen. She was so proud of my weight loss and is so invested in this journey with us! Time for the procedure. Of course, there will be pressure and cramping. I took the deep breaths like she asked. It hurt like hell, she was tugging, but to no avail. She said she was taking a break, so I tried to relax for a second. She asked the nurse for another tool. Same story here, same result. Lots of heavy breathing (or really none at all) until she asked the nurse for something else. I quickly said is this a break? Can I relax for a minute? She laughed and apologized.
We keep going with the new tool. It hurts like hell and the damn thing is not budging. Another tool we try. Another attempt failed. Shit, stop, oh, wait, shit, real shit. I kind of jokingly said Dr. C, if I poot on you I am really sorry. In my mind, I thought I was going to shit all over her, but didn't have the gumption to say that. I think at that point she realized I didn't know if I could handle much more and said yes, the cramps are not just in the normal spots, but also in my bowels. Of course if I poot that is fine and she giggled. Yeah, well, there may be some substance lady and you are not in your scrubs today!
So, she took a moments break and asked for another tool. She said she was going to have to dilate my cervix a little bit to get it done. Man oh man, that hurt worse. Would the xanax have made me feel better, YES, I am such an idiot to have forgotten it. So, she starts dilating and it hurts like a bitch. She gets another tool and finally, finally, that little damn peice of plastic made its exit. Shew, I could breath again. We all laughed a little. I thanked God I didn't shit all over the place. Dr. C and I hugged and we went on our way.
I know in my heart there will be a lot more physical pain to endure, but I am up for that challenge. Everything is going to be just fine! I am glad I got a before picture, y'all. The after was not as glamorous! So, I am not sure exactly who this person is, but I am getting to know her, love her, and cherish her. "I think that pain gives us appreciation of joy - it's a package deal. And I definitely think that the joys of life far outweigh the pain." ~ Frederick Lenz
a big day
Today is a big day. I have an appointment with OBGYN to get my IUD removed. I have not seen her since I had my annual appointment in August and asked her if surrogacy was something I could consider. I am not sure she believed me when I asked her, but shit is getting real. After my appointment in August, my doctor moved from the practice where I have been going to her for 10 years to VCU to also teach. So, this will be a new facility - I am sure that parking will be lovely - but I do get to see Dr. C and meet her nurse that has helped me a few times over the phone. I couldn't be more excited to get the ball rolling a little faster!
For the first time of this journey, it seems as though Dr. Nair's clinical coordinator is starting to drive things. I feel like they believe we are in for the long haul, too. The fact that she asked us when we wanted to do more testing is huge to me. I have been driving all of the correspondence (and likely driving them nuts), but I suppose they can see that through the weight loss progress and my desire to get my ducks in a row, this is real.
I had a little bit of a breakdown this morning. A rush of emotions came over me while I was on the treadmill getting three miles in. The tears wouldn't stop coming. All of this is getting real. My life has never been so perfect. I have never had so much peace and gratitude in my heart. I am thankful for all that have allowed me to share this journey and have given their support. I honestly never knew life could be so wonderful. It sounds so cliche, but it is true. Finally, after letting the tears flow for a minute, I put my big girl pants back on, grabbed some extra water and got back to walking. It felt good to have that cry, though. It really reinforces my faith throughout all of this. None of these words can do my heart justice. There is nothing to describe what I am feeling, but it is right.
"You will never find peace of mind until you listen to your heart." ~ George Michael
For the first time of this journey, it seems as though Dr. Nair's clinical coordinator is starting to drive things. I feel like they believe we are in for the long haul, too. The fact that she asked us when we wanted to do more testing is huge to me. I have been driving all of the correspondence (and likely driving them nuts), but I suppose they can see that through the weight loss progress and my desire to get my ducks in a row, this is real.
I had a little bit of a breakdown this morning. A rush of emotions came over me while I was on the treadmill getting three miles in. The tears wouldn't stop coming. All of this is getting real. My life has never been so perfect. I have never had so much peace and gratitude in my heart. I am thankful for all that have allowed me to share this journey and have given their support. I honestly never knew life could be so wonderful. It sounds so cliche, but it is true. Finally, after letting the tears flow for a minute, I put my big girl pants back on, grabbed some extra water and got back to walking. It felt good to have that cry, though. It really reinforces my faith throughout all of this. None of these words can do my heart justice. There is nothing to describe what I am feeling, but it is right.
"You will never find peace of mind until you listen to your heart." ~ George Michael
Thursday, November 21, 2019
a hurdle tackled
When I thought the news about the VCU finances was the best news ever, little did I know that even better information would be received today. Because I am so persistent, I reached out to SGF to ask if Dr. Nair had the opportunity to review the HSG yet.
Note, I am off work today so I came back to my phone after shampooing carpets to see that I had missed a call from Bethany and an amazing text! We finally got word from Shady Grove that regardless of my HSG test and the state of my fallopian tubes I am still a candidate for the shared risk program. There really couldn't be better news right now! Of course, the waiting was the worst. The not knowing. Questioning everything. Goodness - I have got to get better at that and just have more faith!
That said, we are not out of the woods. There are still many other tests we must have in order to be ultimately determined a viable candidate for that program. That’s okay! One step at a time.
I had absolutely no idea that this news would bring me such joy and such emotion. I have called a few people who are aware of this just to inform them and let them know we are still in the game. The race continues and I continue to move forward with persistence and perseverance (I know Dr. Nair's clinical coordinator is so sick of me).
Something else that was really awesome was that Dr. Nair's clinical coordinator asked me if I wanted to continue to get more testing done or if I wanted to lose more weight first. Just so you understand, I was told previously that no testing could be done until I was at or below 200 pounds and that the transfer cannot take place until 190 pounds. At my weigh in yesterday I am at 214. The fact that they are offering the option of doing some testing prior to the weight loss parameters I was given back in September is another huge win!
Maybe it is possible that they would be willing to do the transfer before 190 pounds? We aren't going to broach that subject yet, but keep the game plan going strong. Everything remains to be seen and that is okay. At least I have to keep telling myself that because I’m in for the long-haul and no decision will be made in the immediate future. Dr. Nair did ask that I get my IUD removed and from there we will learn more about when the next testing can be done. I have scheduled an appointment with my OB/GYN for this coming Monday to get my IUD removed. We are on the right track and we will get this done!
What a wonderful day - many house things were accomplished, I walked a nature trail at home (West Point) that I literally have probably not stepped foot on in 25 years, I took my grandfather to lunch, had a great conversation about an event I helped with last week, and ended the day with my sweet Ms. Clare. Life doesn't get much better, but I know it will. As the bracelet says, we will "keep fucking going."
Wednesday, November 20, 2019
my worst enemy
My own mind is for sure my worst enemy! I have known this for quite some time and as much as I work to overcome it, I am not sure the devil will ever leave completely.
Over the last few days a lot has been going on. I have been nervous to receive an answer from Shady Grove to see if I am still a candidate for the shared risk program due to my one fallopian tubes being closed. On the other hand I really really really loved the care and the care team at VCU. I spoke with the business manager at VCU and she walked me through all of the financial obligations of IVF there. When all was said and done frankly it is a little cheaper to go to VCU versus Shady Grove. I wrote it all up in an email sent it to Bethany and thought it was the best news ever.
When Bethany finally read it she sent me something back to say that due to financial issues which she didn’t want to get into over a text message, she would have to really think about it but she and Phillip do not think that VCU is a viable option. It was late at night and I tried not to stress. I had a million things running through my mind.
What if this is the end of the journey? What if they decide to go another route? What if I’m not good enough? I literally stewed all night long trying to figure out what was going on. I didn’t know what to think but in the back of my mind I still knew this was going to be okay. If for some reason they were ready to throw in the towel, because it is such a difficult process, how would my heart feel? I am so invested in this that I believe I would have to find another family to help. There are so many wonderful things coming out of all of this and I am not willing to let it go by the wayside should they not want to proceed.
On the other hand I was thinking maybe just maybe Shady Grove decided that they would reduce the costs or put in a good word for grants which would make it more make more sense to go with them. I had no idea. The next morning I went ahead and let Bethany know that I was really struggling to know what was going on. I’m the most fucking impatient person you will ever meet but what kills me more is not knowing.
Bethany was so kind and willing to chat with me early this morning to which she basically said that the financial decisions are all about the shared risk program. Even if at the end of the day VCU is a little bit cheaper, VCU does not have any type of shared risk program. So, if they spent $40,000 at VCU and something didn’t work out they would still be out $40,000. Whereas if they spent 50,000 was Shady Grove and something didn’t work out they would be able to receive$35,000 of that back. Having that could be used toward adoption options.
This absolutely makes sense and it eased my mind so much. I get it and while Shady Grove has been somewhat difficult I understand the need to be there. I felt immediately better speaking to Bethany and just knowing where they were in this process. From day one we have both said that transparency and communication will be most important. I am so thankful that we are walking side-by-side and we are absolutely candid with one another. So after much struggling and stewing because my mind is my worst enemy - all is well.
We still wait word from Shady Grove to see if I can be a candidate for the shared risk program knowing about my closed fallopian tube. Again I can’t see why this would be a showstopper for shared risk because there’s no need for fallopian tubes when an embryo is implanted into the uterus. We shall see!
This journey is so difficult but I know at the end of the day it will be more than worth it. I just have to keep the faith and not read into things and allow Bethany and Philip to make the most informed decisions they can. I am along for the ride and trust that they will do what’s right and I will follow.
What happens if I don't qualify for shared risk? Then that is a decision that Bethany and Philip will have to tackle when that decision is made known. At that point it is possible we could go through VCU you but I don’t care where we go. I want Bethany and Philip to have a baby. go to the moon, I’m willing to do it because I think it is right.
Over the last few days a lot has been going on. I have been nervous to receive an answer from Shady Grove to see if I am still a candidate for the shared risk program due to my one fallopian tubes being closed. On the other hand I really really really loved the care and the care team at VCU. I spoke with the business manager at VCU and she walked me through all of the financial obligations of IVF there. When all was said and done frankly it is a little cheaper to go to VCU versus Shady Grove. I wrote it all up in an email sent it to Bethany and thought it was the best news ever.
When Bethany finally read it she sent me something back to say that due to financial issues which she didn’t want to get into over a text message, she would have to really think about it but she and Phillip do not think that VCU is a viable option. It was late at night and I tried not to stress. I had a million things running through my mind.
What if this is the end of the journey? What if they decide to go another route? What if I’m not good enough? I literally stewed all night long trying to figure out what was going on. I didn’t know what to think but in the back of my mind I still knew this was going to be okay. If for some reason they were ready to throw in the towel, because it is such a difficult process, how would my heart feel? I am so invested in this that I believe I would have to find another family to help. There are so many wonderful things coming out of all of this and I am not willing to let it go by the wayside should they not want to proceed.
On the other hand I was thinking maybe just maybe Shady Grove decided that they would reduce the costs or put in a good word for grants which would make it more make more sense to go with them. I had no idea. The next morning I went ahead and let Bethany know that I was really struggling to know what was going on. I’m the most fucking impatient person you will ever meet but what kills me more is not knowing.
Bethany was so kind and willing to chat with me early this morning to which she basically said that the financial decisions are all about the shared risk program. Even if at the end of the day VCU is a little bit cheaper, VCU does not have any type of shared risk program. So, if they spent $40,000 at VCU and something didn’t work out they would still be out $40,000. Whereas if they spent 50,000 was Shady Grove and something didn’t work out they would be able to receive$35,000 of that back. Having that could be used toward adoption options.
This absolutely makes sense and it eased my mind so much. I get it and while Shady Grove has been somewhat difficult I understand the need to be there. I felt immediately better speaking to Bethany and just knowing where they were in this process. From day one we have both said that transparency and communication will be most important. I am so thankful that we are walking side-by-side and we are absolutely candid with one another. So after much struggling and stewing because my mind is my worst enemy - all is well.
We still wait word from Shady Grove to see if I can be a candidate for the shared risk program knowing about my closed fallopian tube. Again I can’t see why this would be a showstopper for shared risk because there’s no need for fallopian tubes when an embryo is implanted into the uterus. We shall see!
This journey is so difficult but I know at the end of the day it will be more than worth it. I just have to keep the faith and not read into things and allow Bethany and Philip to make the most informed decisions they can. I am along for the ride and trust that they will do what’s right and I will follow.
What happens if I don't qualify for shared risk? Then that is a decision that Bethany and Philip will have to tackle when that decision is made known. At that point it is possible we could go through VCU you but I don’t care where we go. I want Bethany and Philip to have a baby. go to the moon, I’m willing to do it because I think it is right.
Monday, November 18, 2019
happiness
I feel like I could write about joy and contentment forever. That said, I started writing a book earlier this year on kind leadership. Well, that has taken a step back for this blog and this journey, but I did want to reflect on some of what I had already written. Funny enough, an excerpt was even taken from an "autobiography" I wrote back in high school:
I have such a long way to go, but I have come pretty far over the last year or so. For that, I am thankful. Most importantly, I am happy.
As a tenth
grader, I understood the meaning of life, but didn’t get who has the ability to
choose what really matters:
Above all things that I wish and hope for, I
just want my life to be a success…I want to be happy in everything I do. I want my life to be pleasurable which is something
that I value also. In whatever I may do,
I just ask the Lord for happiness.
One of the
biggest controls we have on our own is the power to make decisions. Our choices influence everything about
us. I learned long ago that my own
personal contentment is a decision within.
Struggling with anxiety and depression for most of my adult life, I
determined several years ago that my own happiness lies with my personal choice
to be happy. Of course, medicine can and
has helped, but the mental struggles are much easier approached when I make the
conscious effort to overcome regardless of what life throws my way.
Another thing that has truly changed my life for the better is working to be more mindful in everything I do. It helps me stay calm when I want to scream and yell. It helps me remember that the small things don't always matter. Being mindful helps me to put things in perspective. It helps me take a step back and think about the big picture, not always the bumps along the way. It helps me create better and more meaningful relationships. It helps me see the beauty around me even though I always seem to be in a rush. I have such a long way to go, but I have come pretty far over the last year or so. For that, I am thankful. Most importantly, I am happy.
Saturday, November 16, 2019
no more ifs
I have reflected so much over the last few days. Even though my faith has been super strong through all of this, I just didn't know if it could be done. My mindset has totally changed at this point. It is no longer a thought of "if" we can do this. It is a matter of "when" will it happen. I have never felt so sure about anything in my life. I am so appreciative to Bethany and Phillip for taking a chance on me and believing in me and this journey.
I have started getting pretty emotional as of late, too. When I speak about this concept, my heart is filled with with everything I never could have imagined. I feel as if I have found my bigger purpose in this life and to be quite frank, I have never been so content with myself, ever.
I think this joy and happiness comes from many many things, but I attribute a lot of it to this race. There is no sprinting, there are lots of obstacles, and it is more like a cross country race that goes on for miles and miles. Maybe like putting hurdles in a cross country race? Kind of silly, but pretty fitting.
It is amazing what greater faith and a solid plan B can do!
I have started getting pretty emotional as of late, too. When I speak about this concept, my heart is filled with with everything I never could have imagined. I feel as if I have found my bigger purpose in this life and to be quite frank, I have never been so content with myself, ever.
I think this joy and happiness comes from many many things, but I attribute a lot of it to this race. There is no sprinting, there are lots of obstacles, and it is more like a cross country race that goes on for miles and miles. Maybe like putting hurdles in a cross country race? Kind of silly, but pretty fitting.
It is amazing what greater faith and a solid plan B can do!
Wednesday, November 13, 2019
back to school
Today I felt as if I was back in school. Not really, but I was learning, prepping, and getting tested. Totally not the same as a school environment, but all of this is related to this journey and when I put it all together, although the items are unrelated, it seemed like I should be in school.
First, I attended a webinar held by Shady Grove. It was a really good overview of IVF, what it entails, and what to expect. I learned some things that I had not previously learned through Bethany, Dr. Nair, or individual research. It was interactive enough to even ask questions. I asked two because they had been puzzling me a little. For your reading pleasure:
First, I attended a webinar held by Shady Grove. It was a really good overview of IVF, what it entails, and what to expect. I learned some things that I had not previously learned through Bethany, Dr. Nair, or individual research. It was interactive enough to even ask questions. I asked two because they had been puzzling me a little. For your reading pleasure:
- Can an embryo still split after transfer? Yes. The likelihood is actually half a percent more (1.5%) to have identical twins via IVF than by conventional conception. Of course, only one embryo will be transferred, but there still remains always the possibility of twins.
- For intended parents looking into the 1 donor to three couple plan, are the intended parents aware of other interest within a single donor? Yes. As intended parents review egg donors, they are apprised of how many more intended couples are needed for a shared donor program.
Several others asked questions that helped me better understand items from different angles. I was indifferent about going but am so very glad that I did!
I was able to learn so much more during my HSG test at VCU today. First, it was a great experience. The team there was so welcoming and beyond willing to share knowledge about the test and the IVF process, even though it is not our intention to use VCU for the transfer. That said, here is what I learned about my body:
One of my fallopian tubes did not allow the contrast to flow through. One worked perfectly normal and that was indicated on the x-rays. Dr. Banks suggested many reasons why the one side may not have worked (it is possible that there was a current spasm that "closed" the tube for the time being or there could be a true blockage). Regardless of this information, there should truly be no reason to disqualify me as a candidate because the tubes really aren't necessary for a transfer of an embryo. I have reached out to our clinical coordinator at Shady Grove to see their perspective and also determine if this information would remove me as a candidate for their shared risk program.
While the results are not exactly what I was hoping to see, I was able to ascertain a lot more information. If we chose to do the transfer at VCU, this would be a non-issue. Additionally, if we opted for this Plan B (if necessary), I could technically transfer at the weight I am today. While Bethany and Phillip are comfortable at SGF, it is not the end of this journey if we need to transfer this process to VCU.
I remain beyond optimistic about all of this. Since Bethany and Phillip previously used SGF and initial research showed that VCU may be more expensive (due to the fact that SGF has their own egg donor program whereas VCU does not and the intended parents pay an egg bank for the eggs). Since there is an option through those egg banks to receive frozen eggs, it seems as though the costs would actually be comparable.
All in all, I am tired but thankful after a long day. I still know I have found my purpose in life and fulfilling this dream is m current purpose that I hope to share. Life is good. The stars have aligned and I still feel really good about this - albeit a little overwhelmed by everything. Thank you all for being there for us, reading, and offering your support, thoughts and prayers through it all. We've got this!
first of many
Today is my first test that will determine if I can go to the next step. Later today, I go to VCU to have a HSG (Hysterosalpingography). In preparing a little, I have learned that the HSG test is one in which a tube is threaded through the cervix and contrast injected. Then, a series of xrays are taken to outline the internal shape of the uterus and show whether or not the fallopian tubes are blocked. This will also show if there is any scar tissue (from my previous two cesareans) that could prevent me from being a carrier. As easy as it seems, it is complicated in that it can only be scheduled in a certain window after one's monthly cycle. And, actually, I learned that I can take the test with the IUD in place. That was a win for me.
I have been told that I should show up with 800mg of motrin in my system. I think I may take a half of my anxiety pill, too, just in case. The insertion and removal of the prior IUDs were no walk in the park so I can't imagine this will be either. Regardless of the pain that may ensue and a little bit of nervous energy, I am really excited to get this part done and be told that my internal parts are perfect for a gestational carrier!
I have been told that I should show up with 800mg of motrin in my system. I think I may take a half of my anxiety pill, too, just in case. The insertion and removal of the prior IUDs were no walk in the park so I can't imagine this will be either. Regardless of the pain that may ensue and a little bit of nervous energy, I am really excited to get this part done and be told that my internal parts are perfect for a gestational carrier!
Monday, November 11, 2019
an overnight getaway
This past weekend, I had the pleasure of getting out of our routine, putting the kids in the car, and making a trip up to Baltimore to see some of my favorite cousins and great aunt. While there was an episode and we were not able to visit my 95 year old aunt, we did have the most wonderful time.
I was able to steal 40 minutes to myself to go for a walk around my cousin's neighborhood to get some devoted exercise in, too, thanks to my parents. About a half of a mile in, I really just wanted to go back to the house and take it easy. I wanted to relax, even though walking allows me to ease my mind, I was just tired and wanted to quit. Then, I came across this sign in one of the yards I walked by. So fitting. I didn't give up at that point and remembered the entire reason for being on this journey and my weight loss is a small part of it. However, if it doesn't happen, we will be unable to proceed.
As more cousins gathered for some family time, I shared with them this experience and that while much is still unknown, my heart is all in and I have all the faith in the world that it will work out. It was interesting to hear one of my cousins say that she was an egg donor in her twenties and she simply understood my desire. I had never really looked at this from the donor's perspective and it is important to understand their role in this and that even though this baby will come from a generous donor, Bethany will always be this sweet thing's mama. I really enjoy sharing all of this with those around me because it opens others' eyes to a world that is not often talked about. I am lucky to have never experienced infertility, but I am finding such compassion for those that have walked these roads similar to Bethany and Phillip.
From the mouth of the actress that played my favorite character ever:
"Perseverance is failing 19 times and succeeding the 20th." - Julie Andrews
I was able to steal 40 minutes to myself to go for a walk around my cousin's neighborhood to get some devoted exercise in, too, thanks to my parents. About a half of a mile in, I really just wanted to go back to the house and take it easy. I wanted to relax, even though walking allows me to ease my mind, I was just tired and wanted to quit. Then, I came across this sign in one of the yards I walked by. So fitting. I didn't give up at that point and remembered the entire reason for being on this journey and my weight loss is a small part of it. However, if it doesn't happen, we will be unable to proceed.As more cousins gathered for some family time, I shared with them this experience and that while much is still unknown, my heart is all in and I have all the faith in the world that it will work out. It was interesting to hear one of my cousins say that she was an egg donor in her twenties and she simply understood my desire. I had never really looked at this from the donor's perspective and it is important to understand their role in this and that even though this baby will come from a generous donor, Bethany will always be this sweet thing's mama. I really enjoy sharing all of this with those around me because it opens others' eyes to a world that is not often talked about. I am lucky to have never experienced infertility, but I am finding such compassion for those that have walked these roads similar to Bethany and Phillip.
From the mouth of the actress that played my favorite character ever:
"Perseverance is failing 19 times and succeeding the 20th." - Julie Andrews
Friday, November 8, 2019
a day off
I have a lot of PTO to take before the end of the year, even with saving some for my short term disability bank, to be used during the quasi-maternity leave. Thus, I was off today. I decided I would spend time doing things for me!
Much of that time was spent focusing on exercise and catching up around the house. I tried to get on the treadmill early, but my thigh muscle wasn't cooperating. I only did 1 mile at the gym but knew I would have some time to walk outside and reflect later in the day and for who knows why, that doesn't seem to bother my thigh.
After dropping my car off to get recalls taken care of, I found a park I had never been to - Cold Harbor Battlefield. There I froze my ass off, but walked two more miles on the winding trail through the woods. I even picked up some pine cones when done to work on some crafts with the kids.
I ran some errands but didn't feel like I had exercised enough. So, I set out to get a few more steps in and went to a trail really close by that I had done in the past, but had never gone to the end because it wasn't conducive with a stroller. It was beautiful and I am so glad I made the time to get another 2.5 miles in before getting other stuff done at home and heading to see my special lady at Westminster Canterbury this evening.
As I have mentioned before, my time with Ms. Clare is so special and something I cherish every second of. There was however an instance that really bothered me tonight. I could hear a close table talking about us and it was obvious they weren't worried about anything, but literally talking just to be talking. At one point one of the ladies even said she (meaning me) knows that they were talking about us. 'Tis true. I couldn't figure it out but it made me so very angry. I guess I haven't gotten over it yet, but I plan to. I saw something on social media this week that really puts it all into perspective - see here.
I am not going to let those 90 seconds steal my thunder and ruin the time I am so lucky to share with Ms. Clare and everyone else around me. It is simply not worth it. I think I will have to remind myself of this a lot throughout this journey and it is better to start heeding this advice sooner rather than later.
Much of that time was spent focusing on exercise and catching up around the house. I tried to get on the treadmill early, but my thigh muscle wasn't cooperating. I only did 1 mile at the gym but knew I would have some time to walk outside and reflect later in the day and for who knows why, that doesn't seem to bother my thigh.
After dropping my car off to get recalls taken care of, I found a park I had never been to - Cold Harbor Battlefield. There I froze my ass off, but walked two more miles on the winding trail through the woods. I even picked up some pine cones when done to work on some crafts with the kids.
I ran some errands but didn't feel like I had exercised enough. So, I set out to get a few more steps in and went to a trail really close by that I had done in the past, but had never gone to the end because it wasn't conducive with a stroller. It was beautiful and I am so glad I made the time to get another 2.5 miles in before getting other stuff done at home and heading to see my special lady at Westminster Canterbury this evening.As I have mentioned before, my time with Ms. Clare is so special and something I cherish every second of. There was however an instance that really bothered me tonight. I could hear a close table talking about us and it was obvious they weren't worried about anything, but literally talking just to be talking. At one point one of the ladies even said she (meaning me) knows that they were talking about us. 'Tis true. I couldn't figure it out but it made me so very angry. I guess I haven't gotten over it yet, but I plan to. I saw something on social media this week that really puts it all into perspective - see here.
I am not going to let those 90 seconds steal my thunder and ruin the time I am so lucky to share with Ms. Clare and everyone else around me. It is simply not worth it. I think I will have to remind myself of this a lot throughout this journey and it is better to start heeding this advice sooner rather than later.
Thursday, November 7, 2019
moments of no self control
The biggest part of this journey right now for me is my weight loss. None of this will be possible if I am not able to get below 35 BMI. That said, I am working hard to exercise and eat right. None of us can be perfect all of the time, right?
This week has been really tough. I told Gregory that we would make some muffins, homemade blueberry muffins. I didn't think it would be that difficult to do so without eating them - I make batch after batch of chocolate chip cookies without ever tasting the dough or a bite once baked off. These muffins are killing me! Not only do I want to shove spoonfuls of batter into my face, I want to test them once done baking. But not just one, I mean, some look a little deformed and I probably shouldn't serve those either. It got to the point where I asked Jacob to remove the remainder from the mini muffin tin because I had lost all will power!
After eating so many of those and being down on myself, I said who gives a shit and ate three pieces of the kids' Halloween candy before bed. Geez louieez! I had actually done really well and I think only eaten two pieces total since we bought the candy, but how have I gotten to this point!? Just stuffing my face and reveling in the deliciousness only to beat myself up for indulging. It really isn't worth it in the end.
As I was telling a friend about my lack of will to stay on track, she put it all in perspective - "you didn't eat four did you?" I guess so, my friend, I guess you're right. There is always tomorrow and even the next moment. We can't wallow in our past but make better decisions for the future.
This week has been really tough. I told Gregory that we would make some muffins, homemade blueberry muffins. I didn't think it would be that difficult to do so without eating them - I make batch after batch of chocolate chip cookies without ever tasting the dough or a bite once baked off. These muffins are killing me! Not only do I want to shove spoonfuls of batter into my face, I want to test them once done baking. But not just one, I mean, some look a little deformed and I probably shouldn't serve those either. It got to the point where I asked Jacob to remove the remainder from the mini muffin tin because I had lost all will power!
After eating so many of those and being down on myself, I said who gives a shit and ate three pieces of the kids' Halloween candy before bed. Geez louieez! I had actually done really well and I think only eaten two pieces total since we bought the candy, but how have I gotten to this point!? Just stuffing my face and reveling in the deliciousness only to beat myself up for indulging. It really isn't worth it in the end.
As I was telling a friend about my lack of will to stay on track, she put it all in perspective - "you didn't eat four did you?" I guess so, my friend, I guess you're right. There is always tomorrow and even the next moment. We can't wallow in our past but make better decisions for the future.
Wednesday, November 6, 2019
patience is a...
Virtue? I suppose. More like patience is a bitch! Boy do I have a difficult time just letting things be and taking them as they come. I do not have the strength or power to make everything happen in an instant.
I struggle with this but I do know that God has a plan for us throughout this journey and we are on His time, not ours. I learned something more about how this process will continue to take longer than expected, despite everything else. When I looked at the financial sheet from Shady Grove, I had no idea what it meant to see "1 donor to 3 intended parents." Well, I have since been educated. You may not know, either. What this means, and as the cheapest option, one donor is providing eggs for three sets of parents. That said, it means that three intended couples have chosen this specific donor and all three of them must be on track time wise for the removal/transfer.
From what Bethany has said, this creates a longer process because it is never known when the specific donor has three interested couples and that everything works within their timelines, too. So frustrating! But, I will remain positive and still be optimistic of my personal timeline (even though this does not matter one bit, as I said, I just want everything done as soon as it can be) but know that timing is perfect with His touch.
So many logistics, yet such large faith!
"Faith in God includes faith in God's timing." - Neal A. Maxwell
I struggle with this but I do know that God has a plan for us throughout this journey and we are on His time, not ours. I learned something more about how this process will continue to take longer than expected, despite everything else. When I looked at the financial sheet from Shady Grove, I had no idea what it meant to see "1 donor to 3 intended parents." Well, I have since been educated. You may not know, either. What this means, and as the cheapest option, one donor is providing eggs for three sets of parents. That said, it means that three intended couples have chosen this specific donor and all three of them must be on track time wise for the removal/transfer.
From what Bethany has said, this creates a longer process because it is never known when the specific donor has three interested couples and that everything works within their timelines, too. So frustrating! But, I will remain positive and still be optimistic of my personal timeline (even though this does not matter one bit, as I said, I just want everything done as soon as it can be) but know that timing is perfect with His touch.
So many logistics, yet such large faith!
"Faith in God includes faith in God's timing." - Neal A. Maxwell
Sunday, November 3, 2019
finding serenity
Several weeks ago, Christen, my sister-in-law and Bethany's sister, reached out to me to see if we could have some time together. I welcomed that but then got nervous. What if she was upset with me? What if she wishes I never broached this subject? What if, what if, what if... This is how my mind works and it is really ridiculous. Once I realized that she just wanted to chat and spend time together, my mind was put at ease.Fast forward to today, Christen and I met downtown at part of the James River Park that I had never been to - the Pipeline Walkway. I arrived about 45 minutes early because I was a little nervous about not being able to navigate the walkway and I also wanted to make sure I got some dedicated exercise in before we met. Stepping down on that walkway on my own was so liberating. I had no idea the sense of peace that would come with that 10 minute walk down the pipeline and back. I made sure I was totally aware and mindful the entire time. I took tons of pictures and just felt everything. I listened to the rushing water; watched the sun glisten on the river. It was absolutely breathtaking. I couldn't believe I stumbled on a slice of heaven so close to home that I had never even heard about.
I walked back up awaiting Christen and trying to get some more exercise in. When she got there, we went down on the walkway together. She was as enamored as I was at the beauty there to experience. We hopped off the walkway for a little bit and sat in the sand on the bank of the river for a little bit. We talked, got a little teary, laughed, and were ourselves, together. Beyond the environment that couldn't have been any more perfect, I am happy to have spent that time with Christen. We eventually walked to lunch and chatted further. I am so thankful to have had this time for me and for us. I am going to make a point to spend more one on one time with Christen and also do some more local exploring. Who knows what else is out there that I have yet to encounter?
"As I went down to the river to pray, studying about that good ol' way. And who shall wear the starry crown, Good Lord, show me the way." - Alison Krauss
Saturday, November 2, 2019
family filled saturday
Today was a great day, but stressful. We had a lot of really fun family time with Jacob's family but Jacob wasn't feeling well. He is such a crank-pot when he is under the weather. When we got home, I made him go to the doctor, where he was diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection. To make it easier on him, I said I would go to grab the prescriptions. That was a disaster, too. I couldn't wait for the kids to go to sleep so I could drown myself in wine. Wait, I don't do that anymore.
So, I went out for a walk instead. On that walk, Bethany had a wonderful conversation discussing everything. She had had a rough week, too. No matter what, we both have faith in this journey and in each other.
One thing she said to me was to have no expectation of timelines. This kind of killed me because I am so very impatient. But, I am glad that she put it all into perspective. I cannot expect things to go as planned and will take them as they come. Boy am I a planner, though! I am crossing my fingers for "my" timeline, however, I know all of this is in God's hands and it will happen in His time.
"Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous." - Albert Einstein
So, I went out for a walk instead. On that walk, Bethany had a wonderful conversation discussing everything. She had had a rough week, too. No matter what, we both have faith in this journey and in each other.
One thing she said to me was to have no expectation of timelines. This kind of killed me because I am so very impatient. But, I am glad that she put it all into perspective. I cannot expect things to go as planned and will take them as they come. Boy am I a planner, though! I am crossing my fingers for "my" timeline, however, I know all of this is in God's hands and it will happen in His time.
"Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous." - Albert Einstein
Friday, November 1, 2019
a crazy halloween
Well, I didn't make it to the gym this morning. Gregory woke up around 415 and decided to come downstairs with me. He doesn't like being downstairs by himself so I knew he would just go up and get in bed with Jacob. Maybe I was being pretty lazy myself? Thus, I decided to just get stuff done before starting the normal morning routine, prepping for my manager to also be in town today.
Jacob was kind enough to take the kids to school so that I could get to the office earlier than normal. Little did he know the monsters (I mean dragons) were supposed to be put in their costumes upon arrival. Apparently he just dropped the kids and the costumes, letting the teachers handle it all. :) Smart thinking!
I was so nice to see my boss - I hadn't seen her since May. She was blown away by my weight loss and we did get into this journey just a little bit. I am not ready to share with my team at work yet and I can trust her. Regardless, she was super supportive and noted that the promotion I am up for will not be affected at all by this revelation. She is so kind - she brought gifts for the kids and also gave me movie tickets because she realizes (and appreciates) all of the extra I do for work and wanted to make sure she provided something for Jacob and I to do with each other. I'm not much of a movie person but we will make it a point to go by ourselves sometime soon!
After a crazy, but good day at work, Jacob and I were ready to tackle trick or treating. We have always gone to my aunt and uncles for supper and then walked down their street. This year we decided to stay close to home and make a new tradition. We sure did miss Aunt and Uncle Shug, but we had a blast. We met up with some friends and the kids got WAY too much candy. The weather even held off, which was really nice. The best part of it all is that when we got home, there wasn't much of a fight limiting the kids to two pieces of candy each. Shew - I was worried about that one!
Looking back, I have to say I got frustrated three times with Gregory - as super nice neighbors filled his bucket up with candy, every time he got those darned whoppers, he would say, "I don't like those." Really, kid? At least say no thank you. Maybe just trade with someone else. But no, of course, he waited for the super nice neighbors to go back to their bowl and provide something more appealing. Thank goodness for all of those nice people that took it in stride. I can't say I would have been so nice, trying to teach someone else's kid to be gracious rather than picky. If that is the worst of our evening, I will take it. This is an opportunity to grow over the next year, though. We will work on it!
"There is a child in everyone of us who is still a trick-or-treater looking for a brightly lit front porch." - Robert Brault
(i think my brightly lit front porch is this crazy, spooky, beautiful journey.)
Jacob was kind enough to take the kids to school so that I could get to the office earlier than normal. Little did he know the monsters (I mean dragons) were supposed to be put in their costumes upon arrival. Apparently he just dropped the kids and the costumes, letting the teachers handle it all. :) Smart thinking!
I was so nice to see my boss - I hadn't seen her since May. She was blown away by my weight loss and we did get into this journey just a little bit. I am not ready to share with my team at work yet and I can trust her. Regardless, she was super supportive and noted that the promotion I am up for will not be affected at all by this revelation. She is so kind - she brought gifts for the kids and also gave me movie tickets because she realizes (and appreciates) all of the extra I do for work and wanted to make sure she provided something for Jacob and I to do with each other. I'm not much of a movie person but we will make it a point to go by ourselves sometime soon!
After a crazy, but good day at work, Jacob and I were ready to tackle trick or treating. We have always gone to my aunt and uncles for supper and then walked down their street. This year we decided to stay close to home and make a new tradition. We sure did miss Aunt and Uncle Shug, but we had a blast. We met up with some friends and the kids got WAY too much candy. The weather even held off, which was really nice. The best part of it all is that when we got home, there wasn't much of a fight limiting the kids to two pieces of candy each. Shew - I was worried about that one!Looking back, I have to say I got frustrated three times with Gregory - as super nice neighbors filled his bucket up with candy, every time he got those darned whoppers, he would say, "I don't like those." Really, kid? At least say no thank you. Maybe just trade with someone else. But no, of course, he waited for the super nice neighbors to go back to their bowl and provide something more appealing. Thank goodness for all of those nice people that took it in stride. I can't say I would have been so nice, trying to teach someone else's kid to be gracious rather than picky. If that is the worst of our evening, I will take it. This is an opportunity to grow over the next year, though. We will work on it!
"There is a child in everyone of us who is still a trick-or-treater looking for a brightly lit front porch." - Robert Brault
(i think my brightly lit front porch is this crazy, spooky, beautiful journey.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)