winter break

Yesterday's Tulli family Christmas was cancelled.  Jacob's sister had asked us all to do COVID tests, which everyone was fine with.  Yet, finding tests to purchase or an appointment was difficult.  Jacob's sister was bringing all of her extra down for us to ensure no one was positive.  However, we got the call that one of her children tested positive prior to driving down from Maryland.  I am so thankful they didn't get on the road.  We missed the cousin time, but we will hopefully be able to reschedule in a few weeks.

Today, Jacob and I took the children to the Science Museum.  We went through all exhibits they had plus stayed to watch a movie about helper dogs in the IMAX dome.  The kids loved every bit of it!  Since coming back, we are having a lazy day!  

Despite feeling good most of the time, I am still pretty insecure.  One of my dear friends from work reached out to me to check in and I inundated her with a million questions.  I am so nervous to go back to work.  What has changed?  How does it effect me?  She was so kind to keep me in check and remind me that I am resilient and can make it through any storm.  

bittersweet family time

Our Gregory family Christmas is one of my most cherished days of the year.  Always on the 26th, it is either in the evening of a workday or during the day should it fall on a Saturday or Sunday.  I woke up in a fog and with extreme anxiety.  Most of my cousins I have not seen since Ricky's service.  My mom is one of six and we have a boat load of cousins and it really touched my heart that all of those within a couple of hours driving distance were there to offer their support.  

I texted my aunt asking her to go easy on me because I was really nervous about being there.  The weather couldn't have been any nicer and the hugs from everyone helped.  To tell so many thank you for being there for us had me teary at many points of the afternoon, but I didn't lose control.  To keep Ricky's spirit alive, I spent a ton on scratch off tickets and gave all of my direct cousins, their spouses, and children each a scratcher.  Several said that they were sad that they weren't going to get Ricky hugs or lottery tickets this year.  I am glad I could make one of them happen even though we all wish the other was what we got.

We even went back to the old school days, with steak and eggs on the menu.  It was delicious!  Uncle Bobby did his normal pick your envelope to see what you get, for all of the "kids."  Liza was the $100 winner this year - go Lize!  It was super sweet that Uncle Bobby has now named his envelope game the Cousin Ricky Lottery.  

I got to meet a significant other I had not yet previously met and I adored her!  Being with everyone was just what my heart needed, even though, as I have said many times, it was quieter this year without Rick.  The kids were super excited to get a tennis net and Meade her own racket from Aunt and Uncle Shug.  They all played out in the driveway and had a blast.  

As the sun goes down today, I am thankful.  It is so conflicting to be so happy and so damned sad at the same time.  One day this fog will subside.

COVID in the north pole

Yesterday was interesting.  I picked up Lebanese so that we wouldn’t have to cook.  My nephew and his mom came to play and exchange gifts.  It was oddly quiet without Ricky’s presence.  Several times got quiet and breaking the silence was difficult, but if we didn’t I think we all would have cried.

Mom did lose it a little later when we were throwing dice, remembering Katie on what would have been her 43rd birthday.  I’m sure Katie and Ricky are partying hard up there.  I felt so awful for mom.  I just want to take everyone’s pain away.  We got high to take it easy and enjoy the rest of the night.  As mom was going to bed, I said I thought she was going to help put out Santa stuff.  I started going through hiding places looking for everything I had bought back in August and September.  

Anyone that has asked if I was ready, my response was always simple - as ready as I’m going to get.  I’m on top of everything so no need to worry.  Until I wasn’t.

As we set out the underpants, socks, sticker books and a few very small things, I realized my kids really had no toys they had asked for.  I didn’t know what to do.  Kroger and Walmart are both already closed.  We decided we would put cash in a card from the North Pole.

I had no idea that COVID had made it to the North Pole, but that’s what Santa said in his note.  In the midst of penning the notes, my aunt texted to say that she would bring over their gifts to make it a little better.  I declined and also started writing an “experience list” that are fun things to do over the next year, which was their gift from Jacob and me.  

My aunt called to say that my uncle had spent quite some time researching and that CVS was open.  Dad and I hightailed it over there.  $229 later, I had bought so much crap I had vowed to never buy.  Thank goodness Jacob went to the same CVS with Gregory the day before and he pointed out a bunch of unnecessary junk he wanted.  Christmas morning was saved!  Thankfully neither child knew any different.

The kids were delighted with the junk and the money.  They’ve never had much to spend on toys and such that they wanted.  Even if we get them a prize here and there, there’s typically a small dollar limit.  Mom and dad stayed for breakfast.  Things were off but they weren’t horrible.  It was nice that Nana visited right after mom and dad left and we got to spend some time with her and the lovely ukuleles that she so graciously gifted!  In fact, I hear them now.

I’m so thankful that there isn’t much else we had on our plates today.  I’ve been baking desserts for the next couple of family gatherings and hanging out with the kids.  I had an itch to join my parents for supper at my cousins, but it was a hike so I opted against it.  I’m glad I did.  I sit here, staring off into space, our first Christmas in this new hole, trying to remember all I’m thankful for.  Sometimes it is hard, but in this moment I am full of gratitude.

what’s wrong

Jacob tries.  He’s amazing most days but one thing that really bothers me is when he says “what’s wrong.”  He texted to ask how things were going and I said it has been a bad day, only for him to ask what’s wrong.  I’m sad. I’m heartbroken.  I’m lost.  I told him he didn’t need to ask me that question any longer and he suggested that if I communicated more he would know. Bullshit - that just pissed me off more.

Meade and I had a fun outing today.  We went to pick up a fire pit and since we were near carytown, I thought we would run by West Elm to see what they had.  I had a small gift card there that was given to me two years ago that I had yet to use.  We looked at all of the beautiful things.  Let me tell you, Meade has expensive taste!  I couldn’t find anything that I loved and frankly that store wasn’t somewhere that I’d find myself going back to.  I struggled with what to do and decided to give the gift card to a couple in line, asking them to pay it forward one day.

They tried not to accept it but I insisted.  As we were getting in the car, the husband ran out to me and gave me some cash. He said he didn’t have as much as the card was for but wanted me to have it.  I asked him to please keep it - the world is a better place when we are all kind to each other.  He refused and told me to get something special for my daughter.

Meade heard that and decided that she couldn’t wait to get something.  I tried to make it another teachable moment.  We went to a consignment shop in lakeside.  There was one rule - you can get a prize but only AFTER you pick out a Christmas present for Gregory from you.  It was a difficult concept at first.  She only wanted to look at all of the beautiful jewelry in the case.

Once we started looking for Gregory, it seemed to be more fun.  We debated several things and ended up choosing a really cool helicopter ornament before making our way back up to the front and choosing this really ugly costume ring that is gold with a pink heart stone.

The lady at the shop was the sweetest.  She had just picked up her dog’s ashes and was feeling down.  We just talked and I think together picked each other up a little bit.

I told Jacob that he needed to do the same with Gregory and he went ahead and took him this afternoon with the same rules.  I laughed when I went to wrap the teal hair extension and bracelets that he chose for Meade.

Part of me is looking forward to tomorrow to be with my parents but the rest of me wants to skip ahead a couple of weeks.  Time is what is necessary.

back home

I had planned to take our kids and Renn down to Mom and Dads for a few days.  The weather looked to be pretty good, albeit cold and we had a couple of activities to do with them.  Jacob and Renn's mom can both get a little break before Christmas.  It was good to be with Mom and Dad.  The boys played in the woods a decent bit.  I know they froze, but they loved every second of it.  Meade opted to be indoors playing as she is getting over a little cold.

Together, we painted cookies one afternoon and throughout the time, the kids and I filled in the pages of a "Why I Love my Dad" book.  I had gotten these back in October and planned to give them to Jacob and Ricky for Christmas.  I will give Jacob his, but I will keep Ricky's to return to Renn when he gets older.  I love that he has asked me to write down a few little memories of what they enjoyed together so he will have it forever.

By this morning, I couldn't wait to get home.  The three of these kids are crazy together.  To be honest, they were really pretty good the first couple of days.  They had their limit of each other and I was the same with each of them. I need some time to myself.  Maybe since I am not walking in the mornings anymore, I am craving me-time when I normally wouldn't.  That is literally what I look most forward to these days.  You know the saying you can't always get what you want...well 'tis true.  

I'm constantly overwhelmed, but it eases when I look at what is left on the to-do list.  Then, it goes right back to overload.  Tomorrow I will run a few errands.  Friday I will pick up lunch.  No real prep (other than desserts).  No plans Christmas day!  Then, a couple of family events on the 26th and 27th.  No reason to stress.

I was glad to get away.  I am glad to be home.  I will be really happy to get a nap in tomorrow!

give me time

Today was nice.  We went to some friends to decorate Christmas cookies with all of the children.  I struggled but tried my damnedest to get over myself and enjoy the time.  When things were wrapping up, and I was obviously lollygagging on leaving, we were offered to stay for lunch.  I let Jacob make the decision, which I thought was good for me because I probably would have said no, even knowing that easy, social interaction is what I truly needed.  We likely stayed well beyond our welcome, but enjoyed the time there.  These friends just make everything about the experience easy.  You can't get much better than that.

I was thankful that this afternoon we didn't have plans.  Jacob watched football and I puzzled.  The kids played and did their own thing.  My mind had lots of time on its own - never a good thing.  My insecurities are really getting to me.  It got so bad that I even texted Bethany thanking them again for the wonderful time together this past week but also asking her not to give up on me - I vow to be better as soon as possible to be more present, but it will take time.  

I think that the therapist in Bethany immediately came out.  She acknowledged my feelings and assured me that they would never stop loving me.  We are now family and I can't get rid of them. It felt so awkward to say that so then I started apologizing.  It is this constant cycle of thinking/speaking things and then frustrated that they even crossed my mind.  It makes no sense.  The fact that I can think it through at this time means that I realize what's going on - I just can't stop it.

I don't know if anyone reads this anymore, it is important to know that I commit to you that I will return to the person you knew.  I promise.  

medium insecurities

It has been a tough day.  Every way I turn, I run into another vulnerable spot or insecurity I have been fortunate enough not to experience previously. I have never in my life felt so insecure mentally.  Physically, that all goes by the wayside because mentally I have a fuck it all attitude and being overwhelmed, I lose the will to care.  Funny enough, I am not insecure about my body, which is what I SHOULD be embarrassed over, giving me a swift kick in the ass to get back in gear.

We had a kid birthday party today and while it was with the normal group of moms that I see somewhat often.  I wasn't myself.  I didn't want to chat.  I didn't want to engage.  I just wanted to get home and take a nap.  

The birthday party was really nice.  Meade had a wonderful time and the parents were cognizant of new strain concerns so opted not to stay for lunch but sent cupcakes home with each family to eat later.  So kind!  Plus, my kids thought it was heaven - they went to one birthday party and came home with SIX cupcakes!

Finally, I got home and told Jacob I needed a break.  I laid down on the couch just to realize that I had a group session with a medium in an hour. I had  hard time getting it together and wasn't looking forward to being on the phone for an hour hoping that someone would come through to speak to me.  

There were 10 other participants on the call.  In her opening remarks, JMarie mentioned that everyone would get something out of the session.  Either, a loved one would come through or she would answer questions we may have.  I think that I was called out third.  She asked me and another person who had a loved one that passed recently due to suicide or overdose.  Since the other lady didn't respond, I suggested that it is possible that is how Ricky passed. She confirmed she was with me and confirmed some information about the way he was found, that there was a delay in being found, and that his death could also have been from not following up on health concerns.

JMarie focused on the fact that Ricky is so much happier.  She said that he kept pointing to his head, saying he has never had such a clear mind.  It felt really nice to hear that.  I absolutely believe it was him.  I wish he would have said something about the baby or the experience, but I can't be too picky.

change of plans

I have been looking forward to lunch with Maria, at Amuse (The Jefferson has all reservations taken through the new year), for weeks now.  Much of that was my fault in committing to a date and time because there has been so much uncertainty.  Regardless, I was excited to get dressed, maybe put some make up on and enjoy time with Maria.

Until school called.  Of course they would - it is the day before break for goodness sake!  Meade has been itching all over and complaining of her heart going super fast.  Obviously, it sounds like an allergic reaction to something.  We have no idea.  I called the pediatrician and they directed me to the ER - likely a CYA since I mentioned the racing of her heart.  

I called Jacob and he was leaving work to meet me there.  He ended up going to the hospital ER when I was at the freestanding ER - I love how well men listen.  All of her vitals were perfect the entire time we were there (which thankfully wasn't too long).  Perfect scores on an EKG and a chest Xray meant we could leave and she could go back to school so she wouldn't miss her Winter Party.

I don't have plans often and this is why.  You just never know.  I have to remember that I didn't have a lot more logistical issues since I am off of work.  Deep breaths...

lots of sugar

All day yesterday, I felt like I was baking.  Meade was home and she didn't want much to do with it, but I think we baked 7 batches.  Meade has three teachers; Gregory, one; a few others we adore at RPES; Jacob has seven employees and maybe ten more teacher friends.  We've got several neighbors to drop goodies to, too.  I invited Sally and her grandchildren to bake with us, but they were busy and took a rain check to today. The kids still went over there for a little bit, a break I desperately need sometimes.

This morning, I went down to see the best new family there ever was.  Bethany and I chatted for quite some time.  I guess a lot of it is that she is a therapist herself, but she was very reassuring.  I guess I needed some validation for my feelings and she provided that, but also that we all process things differently.  I value her opinion and love that she doesn't dig, even though I am an open book with her.  

Little Makenna sat on my lap for quite some time.  I stole lots of sugar!  I just soaked it all in, the Christmas tree, the most beautiful gift in my lap and in the company of her parents.  It doesn't get much better than this.  Bethany gave me a gorgeous ornament and two frames with pictures - one was their family photo and another of Makenna solo.  I will cherish these forever!

It was so nice, too, that Bethany's parents stopped by for a little bit.  They also brought gifts that we will open later.  Ugh, everyone is too nice and generous!  After a while, I wanted Cheryl to hold the baby.  I almost get more joy watching others with Makenna than me holding her myself.  I really enjoy it.  

Makenna had not been with Mimi long before she couldn't get comfortable.  Everything that Mimi did just didn't satisfy Makenna.  Bethany asked her mom to hand Makenna back to me as an experiment.  Just to see what happens.  In no time, I had her on my legs, pumping her legs and she calmed down quickly.  I don't know if it was me or the position, but I will take it.  This sweet thing will always have a special place in my heart.  The time with them today was just amazing.

I got home with just enough time to sweep up kid crumbs in the kitchen before Sally and her grandchildren came to bake.  Thank goodness I had this set up - Jacob has asked for 16 more bags to give more people at work!  The time that we had with Sally and Dave was lovely, too.  After we finished baking, the kids played and the four of us chatted.  It was nice to get to know them better.  We really couldn't ask for better neighbors, just three doors down.

a little pampered

Mary Pat sent me the nicest gift card to a local salon.  She assumed that I would schedule a facial, but I went ahead and got the bang for the buck and got a massage.  It was very nice.  My mind was still clouded with everything going on so I wasn't fully relaxed, but it was really nice to have the lady focus on my feet, head, and hands.  Also, now I have a number in my back pocket if I wanted another massage close to home.  

Now, I need to get home and start baking cookies for the list of teachers (all schools), neighbors, etc.

MD F/U

I have been having some extreme anxiety about this appointment.  I have never felt so needy and so insecure.  I feel like my heart is cold and I am having trouble functioning to be brutally honest.  When the sweet nurse took me back, she asked all of the postpartum questions and I lost it.  Postpartum or not, I am not well.  I know that is okay and I will get better in time, but it still stinks.  I hate being so fucking vulnerable.  

I finally gathered myself only for Dr. C to come in the room and I lost it all over again.  She even mentioned that everything was "shit timing."  She did feel that it would be okay for me to stay out of work a little longer, but I would need to be referred to a psychiatrist.  I understand.  That is more of a way to tell my employer that it is in our plan of action even though it might take six months to truly be seen.  It hurt a little bit to see "unable to return to work due to postpartum depression."  This is real life, though.  I have to accept it and work toward getting better, which I am determined to do.  I sent the paperwork in to see if they could extend my short term disability.  The lady at work said that my office visit note would be needed to supplement the paperwork and get approved.  I hope that gets sent soon.

I am trying so hard not to stress over things, but it is like I am so overwhelmed that I am stoic.  I am getting nothing done and I can't get myself together enough to even make a list and start checking it off.  

I let Bethany know I would be out of work for a while longer and that Dr. C said that I needed to visit them because she was sure that would help me heal a little bit each time.  We set a time for me to go there Thursday.  I'm a little nervous about getting upset, but if it is going to happen, being in Bethany and Makenna's presence will be the best place for comfort.  Too late, Bethany called to check in and I lost it over the phone.  Ugh, I hate this.  She was so kind and said all of the right things, basically validating my feelings and listening to everything.

Each day brings new struggles on my end but new milestones and happiness for their family.  I will take it for now and know that one day I will be able to experience the same milestones and happiness with Makenna, too.

"best day of my life"

Bethany has said several times over the last several weeks that October 29th was the best day of their life.  The missing piece is now here and their hearts are full.  This is my why.  This is what makes me happy, even for just a moment, until I remember the rest.  I know I should know all of this, but I am very insecure these days and hearing it again brings it back to the forefront.  I long for the day when my heart will be full again.

Jacob's birthday

The last couple of days have been nice at the river.  My parents got Renn yesterday afternoon, after school and the kids were able to play last evening and again this morning.  We had a special day ahead of us, though.  Today is Jacob's birthday and he needs to be celebrated.

Lucky for him, we had gotten tickets with a couple of other families at Lewis Ginter to see the lights.  Not so lucky, it was pouring rain.  We made the best of it, in our rain jackets and boots.  The kids had a blast.  I was over it pretty quickly, but we made the best of it.  I will say that it is a birthday we will never forget!  I think it will take a week to dry out completely.  

Before the wet festivities, the kids each helped me to bake Jacob's cake.  He requested multi layers of both white and chocolate cake with chocolate butter cream.  We are actually waiting to try it until tomorrow when we have a meal together.  

I complain a lot about Jacob, but I don't take for granted all he does, our friendship and our love.  I hope that his 47th year is amazing, especially since the last one has been difficult.

newborn care

My anxiety is through the roof.  I conceded and told the person at work that I would take the parental leave yesterday.  I couldn't sleep at all last night.  I got up and went through a ton of hand me down clothes for Meade.  This morning, I checked the parental leave policy online and saw that it is not applicable for surrogates.  While I am not technically a surrogate, I am sure that gestational carrier will fall into the same category.  The paperwork sent over said "newborn care."  Since I am not caring for a newborn, it wouldn't be ethical of me to take this benefit.  

On top of all of this mind fuck, both Gregory and Meade have been home today.  Trying to get much done is tough.  The kids went to see Ms. Sally down the street to play with their grandchildren, thank goodness.  I needed that hour.  I sat at the puzzle table and cried.  There must've been eight soiled tissues on the table when Jacob got home.  He doesn't get it and I am thankful for that.  

Due to Gregory being out this week, I took Meade out for Thursday and Friday and headed to my parents' this evening.  At least I will get a little bit of help with the children and try to forget the work stuff.  hoping for a couple of easy days to return home for Jacob's birthday Saturday.

all the lights

This evening, Renn and his mother came up to go see the light show at the Meadow Event Park with me and the children. It was hard to enjoy it as the boys were screaming the entire time.  I must say, last year I really liked it.  I wish I would have had the opportunity to relish in the beautiful lights, but there's always next year.  Plus, my mind is so foggy right now.  I am sure that is part of it.  

I also had therapy today.  Even though Gregory is home and in the background, counseling needs to be my priority as much as I don't want it to.  We talked through several things and did some guided imagery.  I don't know if it helped, but I was able to find a peaceful spot to go to when I need a break.  I told her my trepidation about going back to work.  I am so nervous all the time about getting upset.  I am sure my hormone levels don't help but I am not thinking this is as much postpartum depression as it is grief.  Regardless, I am struggling.  With the six week check coming up next Monday, my therapist has said that she does not think I should go back to work immediately, suggesting taking a few more weeks to work on everything emotionally.  I agree, but I am distraught trying to figure out my benefits at work and such.  I used to be on top of everything now it seems like all is spiraling out of control.

My Leave of Absence coordinator at work suggested I take the "free" six weeks of parental leave that will get me through the holidays.  I don't know if I want to do this and am freaking out on what is best.  The last thing that can happen is to lose my job.  I enjoy it, I have worked really hard to get where I am.  I can't have that be in jeopardy on top of everything else.  I have to trust that God has this in his hands and that everything will work out.  

"i am fantastic"

The entire weekend was really nice.  I didn't feel like I had to do anything and jumped from the puzzle to throwing dice, to relaxing on the couch, etc.  The others went into town to a few shops and I just didn't feel like it so I didn't go.  Mom and Dad are wonderful hosts, too.  They wouldn't let me do anything.  Alison had brought most of the food and had a spread when we got there Friday night and together she and my mom made a delicious shrimp scampi Saturday evening.  Dad was on point making sandwiches for lunch and mom, as always, served breakfast both days.  

I am still really nervous about my appointment next weekend and what lies ahead.  Who knew this weekend we were getting gifts!  Angie brought us all some Christmas socks, Mom got us this wonderful LL Bean tote bag (like a make up bag), and Alison gave me a really special gift.  I opened a rock with "MP" written on it.  Alison has recognized that Mary Pat in Baltimore has been a rock of mine for years.  She wanted to memorialize that and also told me that she was giving me two days in Baltimore without the children.  She would pay for the train or whatever way I went (even gave me Charles' schedule to go up and back to New Jersey for work).  She would also take care of the children while I was gone so it wasn't too much on Jacob.  Wow.  Amazing, however, it stresses me a out a little bit because so much is so uncertain right now.  Either way, hopefully I can take advantage of this in January.

The absolute best part of the weekend was hearing Angie's dream.  Angie is a hospice social worker and has a good connection to the spirit side, often dreaming about her clients or others that have died.  She told me that Ricky came to her in her dream and I couldn't wait to hear it.  She told the story several times over the weekend so that everyone could hear and while it brought me to tears each time, it provided me with so much peace.

Ang said that she was at a neighborhood festival, low key with face painting, bounce houses, etc.  She was walking down the street and saw Ricky out of the blue.  He immediately extended his arms and yelled Angie and followed up with a big bear hug.  It was totally normal and exactly what Ricky would have done.  Angie asked Rick how he was doing and he had a huge smile on his face and said "I am fantastic!"  He said that his head has never been so clear in all of his life and he is great.

This is what I needed to hear.  I am so insecure right now, I will probably ask for her to tell me this over and over and I hope she doesn't mind.  This, my friends, was my greatest gift of the weekend.

quarantine news

Before I could get out of the house today, the principal called and said that Gregory was exposed Tuesday to a student that is now diagnosed with COVID.  Lucky us.  Even though he got his second shot the same day, he is not considered fully vaccinated until two weeks after that.  The principal did confirm that should he get exposed in the future, he would not have to quarantine due to being vaccinated.  I feel so bad for the principal, having to make these calls after hours all of the time.  No one wants to receive the call and yes it is frustrating, but imagine having to be the bearer of bad news over and over again.  Not a job I would want to have.  

Jacob was going to take the kids to a friends house tonight to see Santa on the fire truck.  With the news of the exposure, the other families were not okay with them being there so Jacob had to think quickly on his toes, especially because the kids were so excited to see their friends.  A trip to Little Caesars to pick up pizza and staying up late outside with the neighbors ended up being a good night for them.  And, the big bag of cookies we were going to take to our friends, the children gave to the firemen.  That warmed my heart.  

We just got to my parents house and delivered a meal to neighbors down here because the husband had back surgery a few months ago and the wife just fell and broke her leg on Thanksgiving.  It is the least we could do.

The drive down with my aunt and my cousin's wife was nice.  I was nervous and asked Alison to go step by step on the day that Ricky died so that I understood what was going on in the background while everyone was trying to keep me insulated until I got home.  It doesn't change anything, but I like to know.  Now, I hope to relax and just have fun this weekend.  Another aunt and cousin come tomorrow and I can't wait to have some downtime.

time away

I haven't been sleeping well. I think it is anxiety from the anticipation of a weekend away at my parents with aunts and cousins for a girls weekend.  Mom and a cousin have been planning this since the summer and apparently it is to celebrate me.  Ugh, there is not much celebrating I feel like doing.  I told Jacob I didn't know if I wanted to go, but I think I do.  My aunt will pick me up later today and we will head that way.  I pray we have lots of fun and little tears, but you never know.  That is what worries me.  I don't want to be a blubbering mess in front of others.  The thought of that really makes me nervous (another reason why I was relieved not to go to Jacob's family Thanksgiving).  

I'm so bad at keeping up with my phone while I am not sitting at a desk all day.  I went to respond to some texts from yesterday and realized I never looked at the videos that Bethany had sent.  My heart exploded when I saw Phillip singing "You are my Sunshine" to Makenna.  It was simply beautiful.  Makenna wouldn't keep her eyes off of him.  It was so special and brought me to tears.  Tears of love and joy.  Tears of sadness thinking about the fact that my parents have now lost two of their babies.  Tears just flowed, for every emotion imaginable.

When I think about those happy tears, this is my why.  This is the entire reason that I offered.  This, hearing Phillip sing to Makenna is what makes every bit of every struggle and difficult time over the last two years more than worth it.  Seeing their beautiful family and the happiness that surrounds them is my why.

I still have a little bit of anxiety about this weekend, but I am ultimately looking forward to it.  As much as I don't know what I need, maybe this is it.

so angry

Today has been really rough for me.  Of course, I had Meade home since it is Wednesday.  We were both going stir crazy and frankly, I was getting sad.  I sat at the dining room table doing a puzzle and cried and cried.  I am so angry.  Not at anyone, but the situation.  I hate to question God, but I don't understand.  I tried to get a ton of things done to keep my mind off of everything, but it was really difficult.  

I ordered a birthday gift to be delivered to our dear Mary Pat in Baltimore and texted her to let her know.  She called and the timing was perfect.  We cried together.  She helped to talk me through things and even after losing her husband 3 years ago, she still struggles.  Together, we are doing our best to make the most of our counseling sessions even though it isn't what we really want to do.

The weather was beautiful so Meade and I walked to the church to play.  As soon as we got there, school called.  Gregory was in the clinic with a headache.  Apparently he spent all morning with his head on his desk crying - not like him at all.  We put two and two together and realized that it is probably from his second COVID shot yesterday.  Maybe this is why I am struggling today - they offered me my booster and I gladly took it.  Possibly this is why I am not well today. 

We walked back immediately and picked up Gregory.  He was pitiful.  I gave him some motrin and had him lie down.  Wednesday afternoons, the kids go and play at a neighbors with her grandchildren and I asked if he was feeling better if he could still come and she was absolutely okay with that.  I walked them over and should have gone for another walk, but opted to come home and sit at the puzzle.  Again, I was overcome with tears of sadness and anger.  Jacob got home and was really sweet.  He offers to talk about it, but I am not good at that.

I know that anger is part of the grieving process and that is a good thing that I am experiencing it, I suppose.  Grief is hell.  I hate it.  I know it does get better.  I have lived this once.  I just want to be able to snap my fingers and be well again.