Jacob and I had my cousin, Christopher, and his wife, Angie, over for supper and games yesterday evening. We didn't even eat supper, frankly. We had plenty of snacks though! It was such a great time being with them, completely open and honest, having fun all at the same time.
One thing I learned from them was what Christopher often says, "this isn't worth a fuck." Maybe this will be my new mantra to focus on what really matters. When we think about life, we have a limited amount of fucks to give. The next situation we face may not be worth a fuck. Make sense? It definitely resonated with me!
I wish I could stop worrying over Meade. I cuss Ricky all the time for dying (like it was his fault) because I think that the grief is what has made her very strong-willed self more difficult to work with. These next two weeks we need to see vast improvement in order to keep her in the preschool program. I know she can do it, but will she? There's no telling and until I have to worry about it, I need to just breathe.
Oh Meade - a clingy gal that blurts out and makes less than great decisions one hundred percent of the time and talks about death turned into we can no longer support the kid that is grieving and trying to figure out life. But they can do that. This is a very privileged opportunity. If Meade takes up too much time, those that are there for the services they receive due to diagnoses are unable to get the attention they deserve. I get it. I’m torn.
Everything in me says take her out. Remove her now. My mind and my heart agree. Fuck money. Things will get worse and I’ll be stressed out each day wondering if she is too bothersome and it’s the final straw. Get her scheduled to start in a week or two. Wing it in the meantime. This makes it easier on me, not her, which is doing Meade an injustice. I will do my best to take it as it comes and see how the virtual meeting with Meade and her teachers goes tomorrow. I'm holding on tight and bracing for the ride!
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