unbearable

The day hadn’t been so bad.  Maybe I had gotten through the worst of it last night?  I had a little bleeding and cramping during the day but nothing compared to last night!  Until it started all over again.  I was constantly in and out of the bathroom, going through 2 pads an hour in addition to the clots that were going straight into the toilet.  The cramping was rough, but I had taken Tylenol and Motrin to help with that.  I called mom into the bathroom to give her a glimpse of what was going on and she said that if this kept up she was taking me to the ER, no ifs ands or buts about it. 

Well, it didn’t ease up.  It got worse.  I felt so yucky – I told mom that I had to take a shower first.  In the shower, it was a repeat of the night before.  I called both her and Jacob in there so they could see what was going on and that I wasn’t making it up.  Thankfully, Jacob put our bathmat in the wash before we left for the ER.  I packed my bag, hoping I would stay overnight just to get a D&C and then be discharged.

there's more

I had the ultrasound with my not-so-favorite doctor this morning.  He stood behind the tech with his arms crossed and only spoke when I asked questions.  I had passed so much I asked if there was much more in there.  He said absolutely and that I needed a D&C.  I don’t know what it was but since last night was so tough and they said that there was a lot ore to pass, I lost it.  I cried and cried in that damn room when I was left alone.  I let myself have that moment, put my mask back on and went out to face the world and whatever was in front of me.

I would call my MD at VCU and see if they could get me in sooner.  I also talked to Kim briefly this morning.  I let her know I still hadn’t heard from the financial coordinator which was frustrating.  Kim showed she was also frustrated but would try to get her to reach out to me.  Based on what I had told her about last night, she suggested I should probably have gone to the ER and if it got that bad again, I needed to go.

I called my OB’s office and asked if we could just do the D&C on Wednesday verses the ultrasound tomorrow and then the D&C.  I told them it felt like it was just unnecessary billing to do a fourth ultrasound to determine there is no viable pregnancy just to get the procedure done.  I think I got through when I said that this was almost insurance fraud to me. 

A nurse called me back almost immediately and said I could probably get on the calendar today for an MVA – manual vacuum aspiration.  This is a less invasive procedure but does the same as the D&C.  Also, it is done in the office, not in the operating room, so it is a lot less expensive.  Best of both worlds – get it done today AND it is cheaper!  I am all in. However, I was not willing to do anything until I told Kim of the option to see if it was something we could consider.   I Immediately called Kim to ask if we could do this.  Being impatient me, I sent an email a couple hours later asking if she had more information.  She needed to hear more from the financial coordinator as well as from Dr. Nair as to if she was okay with it.

My parents were very worried about me.  They were going to come and stay a couple of days until we could get everything figured out.  This put my mind majorly at ease.  Just having them here will do me a world of good, plus they will help with the kids and house stuff, which I have been slacking on dealing with all of this.

Toward the end of the day, Kim let me know we could do the MVA.  Thank God!  I quickly called VCU to see if today was still an option.  It wasn’t.  Darn.  The soonest they could get me in was Friday.  I decided to take that slot verses staying on the calendar fro the ultrasound tomorrow and D&C Wednesday so I wouldn’t be down for so long and it would cost less.  Now, we just have to get to Friday!

social distracting

Bethany’s visit was perfect.  There were tears and smiles.  We are in a good place.  She brought me way too many gifts (bath bombs, at least those will get used in no time!), and I sent her hope with flowers and supper for her and Phillip.  It was wonderful to be able to hug her – we hadn’t seen each other since the transfer in July. 

Jacob had scheduled to have a family over to play.  Our friend, Lindsay, has been texting often to check in.  She and her husband have two children, too, a son Gregory’s age and a daughter Meade’s age.  It works out perfectly!  I let Jacob take care of the logistics as I am not good for much these days.  They came over around 11 and we had lunch ready for all of us.  It was such a lovely time.  We sat outside while the kids played, had lunch, and transitioned inside.  The kids played so well together, it was like there was no need for them to leave.  We joked about them staying for supper.  

While the adults were hanging out, I had to remove myself often to go to the potty.  The bleeding was getting pretty intense, but nothing I couldn’t handle.  I had to change shorts a couple of times due to leaking, but again, it was so nice to have the distraction of good friends and kids that were playing well together.  They ended up staying for supper and I am so thankful.  I am glad I was able to be distracted from what my body was going through for several hours that day.  I didn’t really realize how bad I was bleeding until after they left.  It was pretty bad.  I was getting large clots often and taking pictures to send to Bethany (she wants to experience what I am going through as much as possible).  I didn’t get them all, but I think I sent her pictures of at least 5 clots that were the size of the palm of my hand.  On top of the loss of blood, the cramping was pretty bad, too.  I took Motrin but it wasn’t cutting it.

As I laid in bed, on a towel, I called my mom almost in tears.  I had no idea this is what the miscarriage experience was like.  I feel awful for everyone that has had to endure this. I let her know about my constant bleeding and my pain.  She told me to call the RN on call and let them know what I was experiencing and see if they could call something in and what I should do moving forward.  The nurse wasn’t able to say much.  She couldn’t give me anything for pain.  She directed me to go to the ER if I was going through a heavy pad or more in an hour.  I am pretty sure I was.  I stood in the shower and there was a constant stream of blood.  If it stopped, there was a big clot to come out and then it would resume.  I didn’t want to get out of the shower because there was no way to get out, put a pad and underpants on before bleeding all over the bathroom.

The nurse did say she was putting in orders for me to have an ultrasound in the morning at SGF and see what my next steps are.

grief and peace

I had a rough night last night.  I had a hard time sleeping.  Bethany and I were texting late into the night and I woke up really sad.  I went downstairs and cried to my dad in the garage a little bit.  I think that while I am definitely at peace with everything, that doesn’t mean I am not upset and I need to go through the grieving process.  Once I talked myself through that, I started feeling better, allowing myself to cry and feel those emotions that I am experiencing.  I think that being at peace makes it easier, but it doesn’t take the feelings away.

I spent the day pretty cranky and very very tired.  I have no patience which isn’t fair to anyone.  I have to keep telling myself to take a deep breath, walk away and cry if I need to or just close my eyes for a second.  No one else deserves to be at the receiving end of me not feeling well.

Bethany reached out today asking if she could stop by in the morning on her way back to Northern Virginia.  I am so thankful I will get to see her!

money money money

This is all such a racket.  Everything is about billing and money it seems.  How about we step aside and just put the patient at the forefront and forget everything else!  No way, that cannot be done – everybody has to get paid (which I understand, but why do we have to do so much extra?).  VCU called to tell me that my personal OB can get me on the calendar Tuesday for an ultrasound with hopefully scheduling a D&C for Wednesday.  I don’t understand the need for another ultrasound.  I have had two with no heartbeats.  Why another?  Oh, that’s right, they want to bill my insurance for it!  Whatever, I just want the show on the road so I accept the appointments.

Ever since arriving at my parents last night, it seemed like there was an elephant in the room.  I had to ask my parents if they were upset with me.  Quickly they said absolutely not, they are just worried about me.  I get it, but they didn’t sign up for this additional heartache either.  I think we are all just really sad right now.  We are all so invested to help provide a family for Bethany and Phillip and this has crushed us. 

My dad, Meade, a couple friends and I spent the afternoon fishing.  It was a great day!  Once after peeing on the boat, I saw a little bit of blood with the wipe.  Maybe my body is starting its own flushing process?  We shall see. 

Still no word from the financial coordinator at SGF – she must be really busy. 

just schedule

I didn’t resume any meds after my appointment yesterday.  Therefore, my body should start doing it’s thing.  I am waiting for SGF’s financial coordinator to call.  In the meantime, I wanted to see how soon I could get in with my own OB to get something done.  I talked to several different people at VCU.  I was really frustrated with them as they never called to schedule my first appointment when I called weeks ago (for a viable pregnancy).  The support staff there seems less than par, but I know that the care is excellent, so I try not to worry too much.  A couple of different staff people called me and got the same information I had already provided.  I hadn’t cried yet today but broke down to the second lady, Ms. Adkins.  I felt awful, but I am sick of having to re-explain myself over and over.  I am sick of having to go back and forth with the doctor with the receptionist and the nurses in between.  I am frustrated.  Thank good I am feeling okay as of right now.  I am not sure I could deal with both at the same time.

Hopefully the financial coordinator will call later and we can get the ball rolling on that side!  We are heading down to my parents this evening and I am thankful for the time away.

now what

 Dr. Reh called this afternoon. She went over the options again for miscarriage.

1. Let your body take care of it on its own.  This may take the longest, but is likely the easiest and definitely the cheapest option.  However, if no negative pregnancy test is found in weeks to come (which is what we need to start all over), a D&C will be necessary to remove any remaining tissue.
2. Take meds to induce labor.  From what. Dr. Reh said (Dr. Nair is out this week), this option is probably one of the most painful.  Basically you have to be monitored very closely a I would be given medicine to put my body into active labor, allowing the cervix to open and the uterus to contract and pass all of the conception material.  Should this not get everything the first time and after an ultrasound confirms that, you take the meds again and the process is repeated.  If after the second time, conception material still remains, a D&C will be scheduled.
3. Schedule a D&C.  While this surgery is under general anesthesia, it is the one way to get everything done quickly and efficiently.  It is also the most expensive, as going into the operating room and having an anesthesiologist, etc.

Last week as I was given these options, I had decided if it went this way we would let my body do the work as it should.  However, knowing that both options could end in the third, it makes sense just to have the surgery and move on as quickly as possible.  Dr. Reh said that I could possibly get in for the surgery this week or definitely next. 

When Kim called and basically restated everything that Dr. Reh had, I let her know that the D&C seemed like the best option, however I would not do it without understanding the out of pocket costs associated.  Is this included in Bethany and Phillip’s original outlay?  If not, how much would it be?  Could SGF bill my insurance for the procedure so we would just have to pay my member responsibility?  Kim, our nurse did not have answers to these questions and said that she would have the financial coordinator call me tomorrow.  Kim was so gentle and kind throughout the conversation.  These are probably some of the most difficult she has to say, but she is a pro.  She put me at ease and reassured to me that my body has done absolutely everything it should have done and that I should feel no responsibility for the miscarriage.  I think it is hard to get to that point yet, but knowing this isn’t the end, that we can still try keeps me strong.

angel confirmed

Maria, Phillip’s mom, picked me up for the appointment today.  She was quick to tell me how beautiful I was.  I don’t need compliments, but it made me feel better.  I always try to dress up for the appointments as I don’t get dressed and put on make up on for much else these days.  We talked a little about everything on the way there.  Cheryl, Bethany’s mom, was meeting us there so once the appointment was over we could all be together.  I think in my heart I knew what we were going to face, but I refused to give up the ultimate hope in my mind.

The office had so many less people there than normal.  It felt strange.  I had only been there in the mornings when they have several staff constantly calling patients back.  I tried hard to focus on my book, but it was difficult.  I was called back into the room to get undressed and wait for the doctor – a new doctor I had not yet seen.  He was absolutely lovely.  I called Phillip and we were on FaceTime as the appointment began.  Instead of getting to the point, Dr. Edelstien went to each of my ovaries to measure them.  I asked if they were the right size for a pregnancy.  He said yes.  Then, he went to the uterus.  Seeing poor Phillip’s face on the phone was heartbreaking.  Bethany stopped by for a second and the worry showing was almost unbearable.  Of course, the news we did not want to see or hear.  The baby was still measuring at 6 weeks with no heartbeat.  Phillip and I had a moment, the doctor left.  

Philip and I talked a little bit more.  Both sorry for the other.  There are no words for either of us to say to each other, the emotions take over.  It simply stinks.  I say sorry again, he reiterates that this is not my fault, and we hang up.

I took a moment for myself to get my shit together.  I am so sad.  I feel as though my faith has failed me, however, I know this is not the case and I have to remember that I still hold faith; this embryo was just not the healthiest to make it into this world. 

I put my underpants and my mask back on and left the room.  One thing that was beyond reassuring was that Dr. Edelstien was waiting outside my room to again offer his sincere condolences.  It was obvious that was what he was doing as once I thanked him and walked away he knocked on the next patient’s door to resume his day.

I did not know how I would approach Cheryl and Maria.  I wanted so bad to come out with a smile on my face, it just didn’t happen.  I still had the mask on as I walked out to the car where they sat in the back of Maria’s vehicle.  Halfway through the parking lot, I took my mask off and shook my head, unable to control my emotions.  We all had hugs and tears.  It was so very difficult.  We chatted a little bit and went on our way.  No matter what, we will not lose faith and will continue to do what is needed to get a baby.

Maria and I talked about several things on the way home.  At first, I was frustrated that I was riding with Maria.  I felt like I just needed some time alone to process everything and figure out my feelings and where we go from here.  However, God knew I needed the help to process this with someone else before having some time to myself.  I am so thankful to have spent that time with Maria and as she dropped me off, we hugged and knew this was not the end.  We would try again soon enough.

At work, I let my boss and counterpart know the sad news.  I never want anyone to feel sorry for me, I just need to be uplifted in prayer and for everyone else to keep the faith that I will never lose – we will get where we need to be, this time just is not the beginning of that.  One of the most amazing things about all of this is that my work family is just as supportive as our blood families.  I cannot ask for much more than that.

finding tranquility

Today, managing my routine and staying calm is of utmost importance.  I am feeling good!  I slept pretty well.  All of which raise their own questions as to if I truly am still pregnant.  But, who knows?  That doesn't matter right now.  The few times I did wake up, I know that I was coherent enough to ask God to hold us all tightly today and beyond.  Right now, I need to ensure I focus on work and being present for that until my appointment at 145.

The morning started like most - I got in my five miles.  The first two on my own, talking to God.  The last three with my dear friend.  She keeps me grounded - doesn't ask questions but lets me speak freely if I need to.  Offers her perspective and is never judgmental.  We joked several times about how we felt as if we were just as winded as a few weeks ago, yet our time to complete the walk has drastically increased!

After the kid routine and before work starts in a few minutes, I took some time for myself.  I drew a bath and found a bath bomb that still had the Kroger clearance sticker on it from probably two years ago.  I never felt like there was the perfect time to use it, until I saw it today.  Before I knew it, that little, light pink, fizzing ball had turned the water a beautiful pink and everything was glittering (I can't wait for Jacob to step in the shower this evening - he is going to think a unicorn shit all over the place)!  It was mesmerizing!  I tried to take a picture but they just didn't come out well.  Thus, I took a short video instead that showed the beautiful water around my body.  I relaxed for several minutes until I realized that I had 10 minutes to get out, update this blog, and start my workday.  However, here we are and I am right on time.

No matter what happens today - every little thing, will be alright!

turkish munchies

I got a box in the mail yesterday from Amazon.  I didn't think I had ordered anything, but I don't remember much these days.  In that soft package was this box of goodies - Turkish Munchies.  I reached out to a couple of people but have no idea where they came from.  Could it have been you?

The only clue is that they came addressed to Julia T., not Julia Meade T.

I can't start devouring until I know where the sweet gesture originated!

restless spiraling

Today has been a huge challenge.  I am failing miserably at God's test of my ability to be more patient with everything in my life.  Satan was surely guiding me much of the day!  Part of my problem was that I was not super busy at work so found myself googling too much about heartbeats and gestational weeks and success rates, and really anything I could looking for positive signs.  I was reeling - it wasn't good.

At one of my lowest moments, I decided to play the old friend card.  A gal I grew up with, Becca, is now the nursing director over many units at Memorial Regional, one of those being Labor and Delivery.  I have no idea if she knew about this journey or not, but I reached out.  I threw it all out in the open and let her know that I just needed some reassurance.  It didn't matter what the outcome was, I just needed access to a transvaginal ultrasound machine and a tech to administer it.  Poor Becca was probably so confused but asked a few questions and then let me know she would get with the OB on duty and get back to me as soon as possible.

I called Bethany and told her that maybe, just maybe we could get an answer today.  She was excited by that.  It was after five when I finally heard back from Becca.  She talked to the OB and unfortunately because I was so early into the pregnancy there was no way to justify a visit at this time, especially because there were no complications that we knew of.  Understood.  I think it just felt better knowing that someone else was basically telling me to cool my jets and let things play out the way they are supposed to.

Becca did mention that I could go in through the ER if I wanted and they might do an ultrasound.  Again, though, without complications, I would have to fake them.  In my professional world, I am bothered by healthcare fraud or those that take advantage of the system, so there was no way I was going to do any of that.  I just had to find my bearings to calm down and wait 2 more days. It is only two more days!  Ugh, those 48 hours, 2880 minutes are going to go by so slow!  See, this is how conflicting my mind is these days.  I know what I need to do, I just can't get my mind to cooperate!

One thing that was really nice of Becca was that she asked some additional questions about the pregnancy, my OB, my delivery plans, etc.  While I have my doctor I adore over at VCU, the staff there has been less than easy to do business with.  Becca suggested a couple of practices here in Mechanicsville that delivered at MRMC that I should look into.  It was a really nice conversation.  Plus, when I asked about some of the intricacies about delivering in this situation, she was very open to share that they recently had a similar instance for an adoption.  Three guests were allowed in the operating room and the adoptive parents were given their own room after delivery. Like it was protocol.  This is amazing news and something for me to think more about.  Plus, if my appointments were 5 minutes away verses 20/30 in addition to finding parking in a deck and walking a few blocks, there are other reasons to think about a switch.

This is all a struggle, but one that we will get through.  So much to think about yet all of it I am trying not to think too much about.  

impatience + anxiety

It was a difficult Sunday.  This was the first weekend I have not been to my parents' house in quite some time.  Of course, I had more important plans Saturday and it didn't make sense to go for such a short period of time.  Jacob has been more than helpful with the kids.  I will say he could do more chores, but as it relates to Meade and Gregory, he is really doing his darnedest to make sure they aren't bugging me or that they give me some time alone.

I got up early with the kids yesterday.  Jacob did not get up until 9, so it wasn't until then that I went to the grocery store and did a few other things.  That said, I did rest and work on a puzzle until then!  That is always a win!  I tried to watch some TV but really couldn't keep my eyes open.  I was plain exhausted but didn't realize that my mind was still racing.  I asked Jacob if I could go upstairs and nap.  He decided to take the kids to go play tennis and once they were gone, I felt like I had to get up and do the million things that are so much easier to do when I am home alone.  Household stuff.  Also, I wanted to make sure that their lunches were ready when they got home.  I think I tried to rest, it just didn't happen.  

Fast forward to last night, I got in bed around 7.  I called my dear cousin Mary Pat and we chatted for a little bit.  Once off the phone, I decided to read a little bit - that would surely put me to sleep!  I haven't been reading as much lately because the book I have on my nightstand is not something that I am totally into.  I decided to give it another try.  More Myself - A Journey by Alicia Keys.  I mean, who is not drawn to this lady's talent!?!?  The book was a topic on a Brene Brown podcast I listened to a while ago so I of course had to buy it.  Beyond Alicia's abilities, I really enjoy her spirit. 

I finally put the book down.  I was exhausted.  A few minutes later I felt ill.  Maybe I was about to miscarry?  I grabbed some Tylenol and asked Jacob if he also felt crummy.  Maybe it was something we ate?  Feeling yucky was one thing but the feelings are amplified when all I want to do is sleep yet it evades me.  

Before I finally put the book back down and turned the light out, I read these two different passages on different subjects.  Both of them just spoke to me:

When you have chosen the right path for yourself, you usually know it immediately.  The choice just sits right in your spirit.  You're not second-guessing your decision or thinking about turning back.  You realize there are challenges ahead, but you're not looking over your shoulder, wishing you'd gone left instead of right at the last fork in the road.  

This is where I am.  This is where I have been for a year now (note that Saturday was the year anniversary of my initial offer - August 22)!  I know this journey is right.  Soon we will find out which path we have to take, but either way, it is still right. 

A few pages later, this paragraph resonated with me.  Alicia was telling readers part of her story but also speaking to my journey exactly where we are right now:

Nothing but uncertainty is certain.  Circumstances come together, only to fall apart moments or months later.  And then, in a flash, we must rise up and regain our footing.  In the rear view mirror, I now see so clearly what escaped me then:  It's not that the ground underneath me was suddenly shifting it's that it is never still.  That's part of the work of my journey - getting comfortable with life's groundlessness.

Folks - there you have it.  This is where I am.  This is where I will be until we have a healthy baby.  All of this is okay.  We've got God on our side whether we have to go to the right or the left.  

Needless to say, I slept horribly last night.  Everytime I would fall asleep, I would be back up within 30-45 minutes drenched in sweat.  This has been par for the course ever since I started injections, so nothing new, just makes it difficult to get good, uninterrupted sleep.  I will say that instead of keeping my normal routine, I came downstairs at 4am, texted my walking buddy to let her know I could not go out there without trying to get more sleep and I would be back on track tomorrow.  I prayed that I would not beat myself up over the change and let the day go with the flow as rest is most important.  Thankfully, while I am still tired, I am okay with everything, right now, as it is.

every little thing

I have been on the road today - for five hours - by myself.  I didn't want to leave.  I didn't want to go anywhere.  I didn't want to get dressed.  However, for my best friend from college, I had to.  I needed to.  Deep down I wanted to.  My struggle was internal, to just pick myself up by my bootstraps and go.  

On the way, I first focused on prayer.  Even though Meade and I went on a walk this morning, it was not my normal "me" time in which I talked to God.  First thing is first and that was a long conversation with the big man upstairs.  Showing gratitude for all he has already provided and most importantly the peace that will come out of the next part of this journey - no matter what it may be.  I don't pray for myself, other than for strength and peace to get through.  I do pray for this sweet baby that is on board.  More importantly, I pray for Phillip and Bethany, their families and friends.  

As I listened to the radio, this song played a couple of times and the title has stayed with me since, for a multitude of reasons.  I had to look up the artist, but this is what Carly Pearce sings:

Every little thing

I remember every little thing

The high, the hurt, the shine, the sting

Of every little thing

As my mind continued to wander, it was overly positive.  Thinking about the happy tears I hope to experience Wednesday, the next steps, the healthy pregnancy, and ultimately the baby that will come.  Of course, if that means ending this transfer where it is and starting anew in a couple of months, that is what we will do - the end goal remains the same.  As I thought back to that song, praying that this baby has the strength to endure and fight to stay safe and comfortable inside my body, I thought about another song with the same lyrics - The Police:

Every little things she does is magic

I don't know if it is a he or a she, but I will take a healthy little heartbeat no matter the sex.  Regardless of the gender, there may be an angel magician up there playing with the marionette strings.  Who knows.  Magic, miracle, snafu last week, it doesn't matter - as long as we get that strong HB this week!

So then, I go back to high school and this R&B song that keeps playing in my mind.  Anyone else remember Soul For Real?  I had to look it up to be honest.

Every little thing I do you're on my mind

The way I feel lately, it's driving me crazy

I can't get over you

I think about you all the time

Any The Black Keys listeners out there?  How about their 2019 song:

Hold on

Count your blessings

It moves on and it ain't always smooth

Every little thing that you do

It is always gonna come back to you

I know, I am crazy.  But the more my mind wandered, it isn't as much every little thing, but the one most important thing on my mind these days.  I felt like crap on the road.  I took a couple Tylenol to heed off a headache.  When I made it to my destination, I didn't feel well at all.  I had been cramping for over an hour and just wanted to use the bathroom.  Every little thing in my body keeps me on edge.  Do I feel leaking?  What color is it?  Do I feel nauseous?  No, amazing!  But, wait, that is supposed to be a tell tale sign of pregnancy for me.  Do my boobs hurt?  I don't know!  I push on them to see if they are still tender.  Due to the cramps, I was petty worried, but at peace with whatever happened.  In the bathroom, there was no indication of bleeding and frankly, I think I was experiencing gas pains - I'll take it!  I imagine that even if we get wonderful news Wednesday, I will continue to live on this edge until next March/April.  That is okay.  It is only normal.

I had the best time this afternoon.  It was nice to be flying solo so not to have to worry about chasing my children.  It was also really great to be able to sit and relax and do as I please as it was a small crowd.  Celebrating my best friend from college, Chelsea, and her new husband was just amazing.  Her family is like a second family to me so it was lovely to spend time with them as well.  I just needed a little kick in the ass to get dressed and get on the road.  I felt good about the way I looked - received tons of compliments on my weight loss, which was nice, too.  Also great was that not many knew of what was going on in my life, with this journey.  I didn't feel like I had to talk about it.  When I first hugged Chelsea's father, he was so excited and asked about what I had cooking.  I told him that while a baby is still in there, we are currently unsure of the viability.  No tears, just matter of fact.  I am glad that I could make it through that, keeping that peace that has been instilled in my heart to be outward as well.

I made it home after 8pm with a full heart and a tired body.  Everything was just lovely today and more importantly, as we go back to every little thing, I am reminded of one of Three Little Birds by Bob Marley:

Rise up this mornin'

Smiled with the risin' sun

Three little birds

Pitch by my dorstep

Singin' sweet songs

Of melodies pure and true

Sayin', this is my message to you

Singin' don't worry 'bout a thing

'Cause every little thing gonna be alright

success

I have to remained focus on the little wins to keep going.  Today, I had a good day!  I even took a little time for myself, which I rarely do.  I got offline for an hour and laid down.  It was really nice, especially after not sleeping so well last night.  Work went well.  I was able to get a lot done without being inundated of thoughts of this baby and what is to come.  I also have to continue to go through all of the motions.  If this baby is viable, I will need more meds before Wednesday.  If this baby is not viable, any meds I still have can be used throughout the next transfer.  I called and got that done - they should be here tomorrow.  Any idea of what my med regimen looks like?  Well, here is a small glimpse:

That large injection is really only every three evenings, but the rest that you see is every morning and evening on top of a list of more meds in the middle of the day!  On top of these meds, more worry is created often.  For all of the vaginal inserts, I "leak" more often.  Each time I go to the potty, I wonder what will be there.  So far, so good, however!

Of course, if I wasn't that crazy googler, it wouldn't be me.  I continue to search and read success stories of other families that experienced no HB this far along just to have it confirmed a little later followed by a healthy pregnancy and beautiful, strong, healthy baby.

A friend told me to expect a package today, too.  My dear friend, Barb, from Florida sent two beautiful maternity tops!  I felt kind of bad for her because she obviously put them in the mail before Wednesday's news, but it offered a renewed hope that I will be wearing them sooner rather than later!  None of us know what next week, next month, next year hold, but I will continue to hold on and have faith for the best!

in my head

Probably the worst place I can be these days.  Last night was difficult.  Instead of focusing on the positive outcome, I went through the long lists of what if's and what's next's. I didn't sleep well and didn't feel great on my walk this morning.  I had really been holding it together for the most part.  I have to keep in mind, too, that this is normal.  If I wasn't feeling doubtful at times or going through all of the outcomes in my head, I wouldn't be realistic.  It even got to the point where I was googling to see if there was a clinic to go in a get a quick transvaginal ultrasound.  I'll pay a couple hundred dollars out of pocket for any piece of mind at this point!  Of course, there really is no clinic/urgent care facility that has these machines much less does them for individuals that aren't their patients.  

Regardless of those thoughts last night and not feeling so great this morning, I am overly optimistic about everything.  I joked with my doctor friend at daycare drop off this morning to see if she had any OB friends that could get me in the back door for a quick ultrasound. I am so darned impatient!  When she asked what was going on, I told her and she acted like this was absolutely nothing to worry about - her sister didn't have HBs at 7 or 8 weeks with one of her beautiful, healthy children!  Wow - that made me feel a lot better!

Right now, I am super thankful to have a job that takes my mind off of all of this!

As I was looking at my texts to Bethany, I found this one that I sent just before our appointment on Wednesday.  I guess I was too confident, but I felt beautiful, I felt like I could conquer the world.  I need to experience that again, so I decided I would share with you, too.  

comfort among chaos

I woke up this morning feeling refreshed.  I am not going to let yesterday get me down, but instead continue to hold onto the hope that everything is just fine.  The baby is just measuring a little smaller than we would have initially thought and when there is time to worry, I will face it then.

As most of you know, yesterday was a clusterfuck. Among the craziness, though, I could feel the extra prayers all day long.  Even though I was not ready to talk to anyone throughout the day, I was able to process things on my own, discussing things with Kim, Dr. Nair, and Bethany.  I defined my own strategy of how to tackle the next few days leading to the ultrasound that will provide concrete evidence of where we will go at this fork in the road.

In that strategy, the most important thing for me was to find peace.  While difficult, I am at peace with all that went on yesterday.  I know in my heart that what we find out next week is what is best for everyone, even if it doesn't seem to make the most sense.  Of course, my hope and faith relies in the indication of a strong heartbeat next week.  That heartbeat will turn into a thriving baby with a wonderful quality of life.  However, I am at peace if we must realize that this baby is not strong enough to last through the next 30ish weeks or is not able to have the quality of life it deserves after birth.  Ultimately, that would not be fair to this sweet child.  

All of my faith is still in God and He knows what is best and is writing this story.  I trust Him that no matter which road we travel on, He will guide us, hold us, and keep us on track to the next part of this journey - whether that is completing this pregnancy or trying again when healthy enough to do so.  No matter what, I intend to face this next week and the ultrasound that will show us which course must be taken with grace and composure.

I am comforted by the fact that when Bethany and I spoke last night, we are on the same page.  I think she is already starting to grieve and I cannot tell her to do otherwise.  Phillip seems to be on the other side of the spectrum and will choose to worry when there is a solid reason to worry.  I think I am more in the middle, wishing I could wrap my arms around Bethany to relieve some of her grief but also steal some of Phillip's composure during the crazy time.  The beautiful thing about all of this is that there is no right or wrong.  We all process feelings differently and that is okay.  We just have to remember to continue to rely on each other, allow different perspectives, opinions, actions as we process it all, and ultimately be strong for one another.

I am beyond grateful for those that have surrounded us during this difficult time.  I am thankful that they have allowed me time to myself before I could talk to them coherently with a plan.  I am glad that they offered prayers, love, and understanding until I could connect via phone.  I think we all knew this wouldn't be easy.  However, I didn't think it would be this hard.  To be honest, I went in yesterday overly confident and the wrench that was thrown really threw me for a loop.  For now, I will leave you with what God told me during my morning walk with him: "You want to write a book about this, right?  What's a good story without some suspense that leaves the reader unable to stop turning the pages."  I'm sure if anyone saw me out there at 430am laughing out loud with tears in my eyes, they will put me in the crazy category - likely right where I belong.

rough day

Remember that roller coaster we have been riding?  Well, today it got pretty darned low.  It is only fair to share the worst in this journey along with the best.  As you read, keep three things in mind:

1. So much is still yet to be determined.  As it has been and will continue to be regardless, this is a waiting game.
2. There needs to be no pity or apologizing.  We will all get through this huge hurdle or awful loss in our own ways, but most importantly, together.
3. Continue to pray.  If there is one individual that can provide us a miracle, we all know who He is and the power of prayer cannot be lost at this time.

A little after 11, I was called into the exam room.  Shortly after, Dr. Shah and his ultrasound tech came in.  Bethany and Phillip were on FaceTime and all was ready to go.  We were so happy and positive, ready to hear this baby's heartbeat, until there was none.

I kept thinking she wasn't holding the wand right.  Dr. Shah was pointing to the screen but I didn't understand that he was really pointing out concern.  The screen did show a gestational sac, with a yolk sac, right in the middle of my uterus (where it should be).  That yolk sac, which holds the embryo that should be turning fetus, was not measuring as our timeline suggests it should - 6 weeks and 6 days (I think he was trying to be nice), it is really is 7 weeks and 0 days.  In that sac, there was no movement, nothing to indicate that the pregnancy was healthy or viable.  Keep in mind, SGF tries to schedule first ultrasounds at 6.5+ weeks because the gestational age less than that may not show the heartbeat and causes unnecessary stress.  

Dr. Shah was being very delicate.  I think we could tell he was concerned, but he didn't seem to be outright and candid.  Instead, it seemed that he would indicate items in our chart and let Dr. Nair make the calls and tell us what she saw and what she determines the next steps will be.  Dr. Shah did say that Dr. Nair will likely be very concerned or decide that there needs to be some more time for growth and another ultrasound.  When I asked if there could be a third option of very little concern, he basically said it was really not something he thought was going to be in the mix.  Dr. Shah said that if we were his patient, he would suggest we stay on all meds and come back in a week to do another ultrasound in hopes of finding that heartbeat that we all want to badly.

I asked if we could get another beta test (bloodwork) to see if that came back positive.  Dr. Shah suggested the only real thing to indicate viability at this point is an ultrasound in which a heartbeat could be seen.

I don't think I understood everything.  Dr. Shah and his technician left the room and I was left on FaceTime with Bethany and Phillip.  I think Bethany's realism hit me like a slap in the face.  This was not good and we really should prepare for the worst.  I totally understand that and more than appreciate it, but Dr. Shah did say there was potentially a 50/50 chance that this pregnancy and baby would be viable.  I couldn't control my emotions; my tears flowed as I laid still on that table, with my feet still in the stirrups.  I didn't know what to say or do other than tell them I was sorry.  Bethany and Phillip were quick to say that this is nothing that I could have done and that everything will be okay and we would conquer this together.  I agree.  No matter what, we will continue to walk side by side on this journey.  

On the way home I couldn't concentrate on anything.  I wanted to so badly to speak to our nurse, to gain some realistic perspective.  I couldn't even listen to the radio.  As soon as I got home, I posted on that FB group about no HB at 6w6d to see if anyone else had experienced the same.  The feedback I have received thus far was actually really positive.  I also googled the situation.  Out on the web, many people in the same situation did have positive experiences that ended with healthy babies.  I was feeling a lot better.  I also shot an email off to Kim asking her to call me when she got a moment, in case she hadn't yet checked her voicemail.

For some reason, my phone didn't ring.  I listened to the voicemail from Kim.  Frankly, it was really grim.  She mentioned that things did not look good and while Dr. Nair will determine next steps, she was quick to tell me the three options for dealing with a miscarriage.  No sense in explaining them here yet because I refuse to believe we are at that point just yet.

One thing that someone on FB suggested I ask was how the yolk sac measured.  I sent a follow up email to Kim to ask that question and she did call me back.  We spoke for almost half an hour.  She re-iterated that things look very concerning and we would deal with them as directed by Dr. Nair.  First, she said the yolk sac was measuring right at 6 weeks.  This means that it could have stopped growing and the baby has been lost.  Or, the baby could be growing slow.  A slower grower could be the reason that a heartbeat is not yet showing!  While the second outcome is very less likely, it has happened before.  Kim mentioned that one of her patients was in a very similar situation a few years go and before any decisions were made, the MD opted to wait a little bit before throwing in the towel.  At a follow up ultrasound, a heartbeat was found and the pregnancy went well.  Kim even sees that child at the grocery store with their parents every so often.  To me, this gives me so much hope.  

The realistic part of me understands we may have to go through the motions and try everything again in a few months, but there is some fire inside of me that still thinks that this is in God's hands and everything is going to work out just as he has planned.  Of course, that may be after another transfer, but something keeps telling me to:

continue to focus on strength to maintain hope and faith verses strength to brace for heartache 

Then, Dr. Nair called.  It took my breath away that she struggled to find words and ultimately expressed her sympathy as she began to speak.  She went over what was seen, what could happen, and what our options are.  I wanted numbers - I am a number person.  I asked if there was a like a 1 percent chance, 5 percent chance that we could still have a viable pregnancy.  She said there is no way to give a true number, but she thinks it is more like 15%.  FIFTEEN?  That is amazing!  When I then asked what she would do in our situation, she said while it is tough, she would stay on the medicine regimen and wait a week to be ultra-conservative to know what is going on before ending anything.  As long as Phillip and Bethany agree, this will be my plan.  My faith is strong in that as we wait for an additional ultrasound, that yolk sac will show a fetus with a bright spot inside of it (the heart) that is flickering.

I know I have texted a few of you canvassing for prayers but not sharing the totality of the situation.  Thank you all for understanding that I am not in a position to talk to everyone just yet and know I appreciate your prayers more than you will ever understand.  After I filled my boss in briefly because I literally got no work done this afternoon, she told me that I cannot control this and I cannot let it control me.  Good advice.  I have added a note of this baby's viability to my "give a shit later" box.  It doesn't mean I don't care nor that I don't want it more than anything, but it means that I cannot let this drive every thought moving forward and that God is giving all of the shits right now - it is in his hands, no matter what happens.

If I am brutally honest, I feel defeated.  I feel as though I have let Bethany and Phillip down.  I know in my heart this has not been and still is not in my control, but it is hard not to take some responsibility here.  No matter what, even if this little one becomes an angel, we will try again and Bethany and Phillip will be parents down the road.  

In my heart, we are still part of the 15% until told otherwise!

blueberry

The little embryo-turning-fetus is the size of a blueberry today!  It is hard to believe we are 7 weeks in already.  On top of that, today is a big day in itself - I go in at 11am for the ultrasound and heartbeat check.  I don't have any reason to think that there will not be a heartbeat, but you never know.  If I am realistic, things can change at the drop of a dime and we will roll with those punches as they come.  In my heart, though, I know this sweet baby's heart is right on par to be a strong, healthy little one!

I am excited that my appointment is with the MD I like in Richmond.  I am excited that Bethany will be able to FaceTime with me if her schedule allows.  I am beyond excited to share good news with everyone.  I cannot wait to see Steve and Cheryl later today as they have offered to bring our family supper.

Here is some information about the little blueberry we have in tow...