a little reprieve

B and I were able to accomplish so much over the last week!  The fertility clinic now has all of my OBGYN records for the professional stuff and the hospital got my inpatient stays over.  I have also completed the new patient and registration forms they have asked for.  This was a win in itself.  Freaking medical records crap is exhausting, but I have to appreciate it because my day to day is all about health care data release and use in accordance with HIPAA, privacy, compliance, and everything else.  

This weekend is time to relax for everyone.  We are leaving in God's hands to guide us through the next steps, if there are any.  B's appointment got moved up from late September to Tuesday.  We shall see what happens.  Even if it is a go, we may explore other clinics because the costs are so exorbitant and they don't seem to want to work well with B/P regardless of the money already surrendered to them.  

Amidst this Labor Day weekend, I can't help but be hopeful that the labor associated with birth comes one last time for me.  These next few days, however, will be devoted to me and my family, soaking up the last little bit of summer and cherishing the crazy, beautiful life we have with one another.

Is this right?

Last night, I took the opportunity to share what I have written with our families.  After doing so, I laid in bed wondering if this entire process was meant to be.  The fears of it all continue to linger.  I was sick to my stomach thinking about the disappointment that may ensue.  Thinking about Jacob and my children that will be along for the crazy ride.  Thinking about our family dynamic that may change forever, good or bad.  Thinking about what this may mean for everyone regardless of the outcome.

Then I got a sweet text from B that said "it's like having a fairy Godmother by my side."  This touched me and helped me to put my emotions aside and stop dwelling on the anxiety that stems from the concerns associated.

If we don't try, we won't know.  I remembered why I even offered.  The advantages of this journey will always outweigh the disadvantages.  I am devoted to do whatever it takes, unless my health is ever at risk.  I am dedicated to this process and to B/P through it all. 

Deep down, it feels right. It may not be perfect, but it IS right.  In the trenches of my heart I truly believe that we all will be okay as we navigate the lengthy journey ahead.

what others say

Dr. Seuss wrote: "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."  This rings true here.  It is not that I care about any judgement that may arise from all of this, it is about following who I am as an individual.  That said, I need to know I am supported.

Support, all I (we) need, is support.  I am so thankful to have the support of everyone I have talked to about this crazy, beautiful journey.

Jacob, the wonderful man I call my husband, is on board.  He was an angel brought to me several years ago and through him, I met B/P.  While he had and still has a million questions that we are all figuring out, he is completely supportive of my desire to go through with this if at all feasible.  Let me tell you, I am not a happy pregnant person - literally and figuratively.  As when I was pregnant with Meade, he picked up so many of the duties around the house and with Gregory.  He just jumps in and does it.  The fact he is willing to do it again is beyond what I could have imagined.  It is silly to say, but my love for this man has grown exponentially in the last week knowing he is here to hold my hand through every step of the way.  He even offered to take an injection in the ass to see what it feels like in preparation for the implantation - he better live up to it!

First, I had to clue in my mom.  My mom has been through an extremely rough period (of almost twenty years) for a myriad of reasons.  However, she has overcome and is my newest best friend.  She was on a trip to see her best friend in Maine and I couldn't wait another day to see how she felt.  Mom immediately hesitated because she doesn't want my health to ever be at risk.  I absolutely understand.  As I have shared with everyone about the subject (and B/P are in full support), should my health ever be in jeopardy, we will not follow through.  My father is on the same page with my mom and I am okay with that.  Regardless, they are supportive and I am so grateful!

My grandfather (albeit step - I mean bonus) is also very excited that I have taken a leap of faith and started to explore this.  As we sat in the ER last Sunday, waiting for him to get admitted, he grinned from ear to ear and said "the most beautiful thing in this world is a woman carrying a child."  While I am not his DNA, Art has been in my life for 20+ years and has never failed to support me.  We continue on that train to this day.

Ricky, my brother, had a different reaction.  He almost screamed "What?  Are you crazy?  Don't you hate being pregnant?" Well, yes - yes, I do.  This isn't about me, though.  This is about giving something to someone else that is more than deserving.  I don't give birthday or Christmas gifts because I have to - I give gifts when there is no reason because they have meaning.  Well, I feel like that is kind of where we are with this.  There is no more meaningful of a gift one can give in this walk through life.  Regardless, Rick thinks it is very cool and kept stressing the selflessness of it all and is more than supportive to put up with the bitch in me for 40 weeks if it all works out! 

Ricky's wife, Tara, thinks this is "incredible."  She, too, has offered the same for her best friend but was never taken up on that generosity.  I had a very brief conversation with her, but no matter what, she is more than supportive to walk beside me.

I have talked to the women in Jacob's family, too.  I think my mother in law was so dumbfounded that she didn't know what to say but through teary eyes said the offer was amazing.  She is here to support us as we work through it all.  As I wrote earlier today, C - B's sister, is full of gratitude and fully supportive of where this leads, even if we end up at a dead end.  That, my friends, is more than I ever could ask for.  Jacob's sister was flabbergasted, too.  She must've said the word "magnanimous" several times, which I (embarrassingly) had to google.  I mean, I understood what it meant by the way she was using it, but I had to read it for myself.  I think that word is a little extreme, but I liked hearing it once I knew the full meaning.  Regardless, she seemed excited to learn more, offer perspectives of others she has seen in similar journeys and also offered her support.

I wasn't sure how to approach B's parents, but I took the horse by the reigns, asked for their number and called.  The call was welcomed and the gratitude they showed was more than I could ever ask for.  These individuals are very strong in their faith and it was soothing to hear them say (as C did) that no matter what, they will be forever thankful that I acted on the tugs of my heart.  They were beyond generous to say I could call and reach out for anything and everything, especially an ear if I needed someone to listen.  I have always adored these people, but after today, I really feel connected to them.  Above all, they are more than supportive and have helped to validate that this was more than me - I was led to do this, as cliche as it may seem.

I have the support of all those I need at this time.  I will forever be grateful for every one of these people as we see where the road leads us.

the offer IS real

I got the most lovely note from my sister in law (C) yesterday afternoon that also happens to be B's sister.  Hence, the quasi-family relationship here.  I was so emotional, I couldn't even respond but I did send a simple text back letting her know that I had received it and would write more when I wasn't so emotional.  There were several things about this email (and eventual call) that have made a huge impact.

1 - She apologized.  This apology was NEVER necessary.  Just because I mentioned that I would be willing to entertain surrogacy for B didn't mean that she was responsible for making that connection.  People say "I'll do this/that" all the time in passing but if they don't act on it, it was a moot point to begin with.  Plus, B/P had mentioned they were done with IVF.  C said it really well - "I thought it was, again, a kind thing to say, an off-handed comment to show empathy for my sister."  I.get.it.  That is why I knew that because I was serious, I had to let my actions lead instead of my words.

2 - She provided unending gratitude.  I will never expect nor want a thank you during this process.  My heart knows it is doing the right thing and it is being guided with God's help.  My simple email has given "an answer to their prayers - renewal - a ripple effect of hope through our entire family." Knowing this is what keeps me determined to follow through.  I don't need thanks.  I need prayers for strength to endure the difficult road ahead for me and my family and B/P and their families.

3 - She is supportive.  I struggled reaching out directly to B and not through C, but I knew it was what needed to happen.  I didn't want to get anyone else involved (didn't even really discuss with Jacob yet) until I heard from B that it was something she wanted to look into.  After all, why get others' emotions in an uproar if there was never a chance for fruition.  Knowing that C and her family are here with us each step of the way is invaluable.

4 - (and most important) She understands.  C gets that it will be a long road that may not lead to the beautiful outcome we are all praying for, but she put it into words. This means the world to me and I will forever hold these words dear: "Even if you have a change of heart, even if this process never gets up and running, even if IVF fails again - I want you to know that I will never forget your email to my sister.  Her world is a little brighter knowing that there are people like you who act out of such love.  Mine is too."  This is the most impactful.  C gets it.  She understands that there are so many logistics to get through and I could be told tomorrow that it is not an option.  It will be devastating, but it will also provide B/P the answer they need that adoption is the next step to explore.

Beyond the email, C and I had a lengthy phone call last night where we rehashed all of the words and cried a lot.  We are on the same page as far as expectations go and will work to find the best path forward, with all of our families there to support us.

This morning, I awoke with a full heart and a reserve of energy to keep pushing through, doing all I can to hold up my end of the offer.

the fear is real

I have always been one to try and not let fear get to me.  However, the fear of the unknown in this process is overwhelming.  What if it doesn't work?  What if I am not a good enough candidate?  What if it puts my health at risk?  What if this just adds to the heartbreak that B/P have already experienced?  Oftentimes, for me, fear is paralyzing. 

While the fear is real and exists, I am doing my best to put it aside, thinking about the most beautiful outcome that could ever be.  I imagine this life with one more sweet child and adoring parents.  I imagine doting aunts and uncles, grandparents providing more love than they new existed.  I imagine my own, full heart, knowing that my family is complete yet we were able to give that same experience to others.

The fear will not immobilize me, but push me to be happier and healthier than ever.  It will help me to create the best circumstances possible to realize the joys that come with parenthood, through others' eyes.  One day, maybe my experience will help to inspire one other gentle heart to reach out and do the same thing?  You never know what will happen, but my heart is in this.  I will not give up and let the worries get the best of me. 

our first speedbump

Last Friday, B received some information from her fertility nurse that told me to explore different surrogate agencies and figure out the best one to fit my needs.  I was a little upset, hoping that since we have known each other for years that we wouldn't have to go that route, but we would do what it took to make an informed decision and this needed to be part of it.

With some of my exploration, I realized that the surrogacy agency was what would add substantial costs.  I am not willing to accept payment if this works and while I could write the check back to B/P that I would receive, we all know that the agency would charge well more than what I would get for their administration, services, etc.

When Jacob, B/P and I FaceTimed Sunday night, I asked that if we had to go through an agency, would that be out of the question on their end?  They both quickly said no!  However, it would mean that they would have to sit down and figure out all of the financials to see if it could still be an option.

B and I both seemed to be getting contradictory information based on who we talked to and when we reached out.  Well, yesterday, we got word back from B's fertility nurse that because I was considered a "known carrier," we would not have to go through an agency.

While everything is still up in the air and there will be many, many, many more logistical hoops to jump through, I am so happy that we have managed to navigate the first speed bump relatively quickly and we can chalk it up to our first win!  It is obvious we will likely have items like this daily/weekly as we move forward, but for now, we can celebrate!

:)

exploding with hope

One of the emails I received back from B states that they are "exploding with hope."  That sums it up nicely.  We both are.  While we know there may be hiccups, speed bumps, and roadblocks, we together will tackle them.  I am determined to be a gymnast, making everything possible so that as we get through those hoops, we have a dismount that can win the Olympics!

the logistics are daunting

So many questions, so many what ifs.  There is SO MUCH running through all of our minds.  So much that we will tackle with dignity and grace to make it all work. 


First, I called my insurance carrier to see how expenses would be covered.  Should the global professional services as well as the labor/delivery charges be coded as pregnancy, there should be no issue.  If there are ever diagnosis codes related to surrogacy, that could pose a problem.  I then spoke with my OBGYN's office and was told that they only bill for pregnancy, not denoting surrogacy as pregnancy is the presenting condition.  That's a win!!  They suggested I call a local fertility agency to get more information from them.  Of course, I did.  The fertility agency is more logistically involved on the parents-to-be's end, but I was able to ascertain a little bit of information.


Also, I found out that the egg donor could also not be a surrogate.  I realized this means more expenses for B/P, but I was also relieved that the egg couldn't be mine.  My genes are a disaster and I am not sure if I wanted someone playing roulette with those!  In addition, I think the emotional rollercoaster would be so much more tumultuous if the child was made with my DNA. 


The list of questions developing is endless!!

1. Where can I deliver?
2. Can I use my own OBGYN?
3. Do I have to have all my appointments where the other couple is (about 2 hours away)?
4. Therapy - I will likely need it to help prepare!
5. Legally, who should we reach out to, to protect both of us?
6. What does the process look like?

One answer seems to lead to ten more questions.  That is okay.  We are devoted to find the answers, make everything work for ALL of us, and proceed (crossing our fingers).

gestational vs. traditional

I had to do a lot of research here.  I didn't understand the difference and what it all meant.

At the beginning, I offered to also be the egg donor.  Let me be honest, I don't think anyone would truly want to take the chances on my genes, but if it meant an opportunity to be a parent, I was going to allow the option.

I talked to a couple of different fertility agencies in the area an they both said that they do not allow traditional (the carrier also donates an egg and gets pregnant via IUI).  Only gestational (the donor egg and father's sperm are implanted via IVF).  Well, I wasn't sure how B/P would take that, but I was somewhat relieved.  I literally heard back within hours that B/P weren't ever thinking about using my egg, they would definitely choose a donor. 

Well, this was the first celebration for me.  As I began to create my T chart - you know, pros vs. cons (yes, I am that nerd.) - I was stressing over the traditional option.  Frankly, the emotional separation part once delivery happens seemed so much more crazy than with gestational.  So, to me, the first obstacle didn't even have a chance to become one!!!!  Bring on the next!!

let the research begin

Oh my goodness!  No wonder why people choose not to go this route.  The researching is endless.  Different people have different perspectives, but it is good to see all angles.  It is hard to believe that women really do this to make money, a substantial amount!  When I first reached out to B, I made it clear that I would not accept payment.  It seems like this could get tricky considering we may have to have an agency to represent me.  I sure hope not!  I mean, I could hand my payment to her, but I am sure they take a considerable amount for their fees, which would be really unnecessary.
I have reviewed the requirements on many different surrogate agency sites. It looks like I am not an ideal candidate, but I can get there.  I will not let this let us down.

1. BMI - well, it needs to be under 32 for most.  That means I need to lose another 60/70 pounds. I can do it and will!
2. Mental Illness - apparently this may be a stickler. However, mental illness means different things to most everyone.  Yes, I have struggled with depression.  Yes, I combat that with anti-depressants.  Yes, my OBGYN suggested those meds during my other two pregnancies.  What does this mean?  We don't know yet.
3. Legally - we will need to secure attorneys to represent both of us and protect both of us, which is perfectly normal and we will ensure the right contracts are in place.
4. Emotionally - will I be able to handle this?  I am thinking I will need some therapy to be sure that I am prepared for the entire process.
5. Clinical Preparation- oh man!  Meds, injections, monitoring, etc.  So much more than my other pregnancies, but I will persevere through it all!
6. Clinical Care - can I use my own OBGYN? Do I get 'discharged' from the fertility clinic?  Can I deliver where I choose?  Who knows just yet!?

B/P and I are dividing and conquering on some of the research.  However, this is their game plan that hopefully I will be honored enough to be a part of.  I am going to respect all of their needs while making sure my health is paramount.  Together, my husband and I, along with B/P, have vowed to keep communication at the forefront and open with any issues that may arise.  This will be a LONG journey, but one I am excited to embark on!

sharing life

For years and years, I have wanted to make an impact on others.  I work toward this every day through kindness to anyone and everyone, instilling morals and values into my own children to act in the same manner, and looking for ways to better the world around us.
Many moons ago, I watched a few people benefit from organ donation.  I immediately tried to sign up with an organ donation organization just to see if I was ever called upon to be a match.  However, due to my weight, I was rejected.  That was crazy to me.  Wouldn't one think that if I was a match and had the opportunity to provide life to someone else, I would do my utmost to lose weight and make it work?  Knowing that I simply was unable to register was pretty defeating.  I figured that one day, I would try again.  Maybe I still will?
While surrogacy may not be a donation of an organ, it is still the opportunity to donate and share life with other individuals.  My body will be a loving host to a child for 40 weeks in anticipation of allowing another couple to realize their dreams of parenthood.  In this process, I do have weight to lose, but I am more dedicated than ever to make it happen.
I will love this child just as I do my own.  I will sing and read to this baby, allow it to be a part of my family for several months and then hopefully be a part of their family (respecting their parents) for the rest of their lives.  Hopefully my children will play with this child as it ages.  As the world continues to turn, I will have shared life, love, and happiness.  This will satisfy me more than I ever could have imagined.

unbeknownst preparation

My sister died when I was 18.  I have struggled with bouts of depression ever since due to many different periods/circumstances in my life.  That said, over the last several months, I have experienced a great sense of peace in my life.  Life is wonderful!  I seem to be on the right meds, I am valued at work in a job that I enjoy, home life is exhausting (but you can't expect much more when you've got a 2 and 4 year old at home), and I am figuring out ways to be more mindful in all aspects of my life.  I am working to embrace all of the little joys in life.  I am beyond blessed and with my beautiful family, I cannot ask for much more.


My weight has always been an issue.  No matter how hard I worked, I could never find the right balance to lose.  For some odd reason, I stopped eating breakfast earlier this year.  I did so only because I felt like when I ate early, I would then be hungrier throughout the day.  For unknown reasons, the weight started falling off.  It got to the point where I set up an appointment with my primary care physician to do a complete panel of blood work to make sure there were not any underlying issues.  From what he could determine, every test came back completely normal and my weight loss is contributing to an even healthier life.


I have also struggled with alcohol consumption in the past.  I was never a responsible drinker that could have one or two in a social setting.  I drank to get drunk.  I knew this was a problem years ago but never accurately addressed it.  For no reason other than to get better for me, last summer, I put the alcohol down and haven't looked back.  I have not had a sip in over a year and feel really good about it.  Of course, there are stressful days where I think I want to drink, but my new lifestyle doesn't have time for that.  I have found a routine that diverts my attention from drinking and am just fine being around others partaking.  After all, they can do so responsibly - I cannot.


I have been writing, a lot.  In writing, I am assessing where I have been, figuring out where I want to go and working to be more mindful of where I am right now. 


Work is going quite well.  I work on a great team for an even better leader that values me and appreciates my work ethic and my desire to grow.  Recently, I decided to interview for another position that would have given me at least a $15K raise.  I wasn't sure if it was the right time or the right opportunity, but I didn't want to pass it up.  Internally, I struggled to figure out what was best for me and asked God for clarity as I worked to understand what the next step was.  Through some divine intervention (that is another story), I realized this wasn't the right job or the right time to go anywhere else.  Once, I made that decision, there was no looking back.  I remain dedicated to my team and want to continue to succeed in my current capacity.  Yes, the money would be great, but not many people can say they enjoy their work and I truly do.


I write all of this because I feel as if God had plans for me and I had no idea what they were.  I didn't even think twice about anything except for the fact that he is putting me in the best frame of mind to work toward helping B/P become parents, because they will be the best. 

an embracing acceptance

The offer to explore more was accepted with open arms, teary eyes, and the utmost appreciation.  The response received was more than I could ever imagine and pure justification that I had done the right thing.  Here is a snippet of the correspondence back:

Julia Meade... 

There will never be enough words to express how deeply impactful your email was and how much love, gratitude and hope you instilled in me and P. We are speechless to be honest, but I'll try and respond best I can. 

First, it means the world to me to receive your words of condolence and encouragement. The last four years have been so incredibly devastating with one loss in our fertility journey continually leading to another.

Second, we cannot believe the magnitude of the gift you've given us-- a chance to look into surrogacy as a possibility. No one has offered this to us and we knew we would never in a million years be able to afford paying for a surrogate. Early in our journey we had to make the decision to not even consider surrogacy because of the ridiculous costs. The fact that you are open heartedly offering us a chance to even explore this means more to us then words can describe.

I am absolutely open to talking more with you. There are endless logistics and I'll have to do a lot of research, but it would be worth it for us to try and find some answers to see if this could work. If you'd be open to talking once I get more information I can share what I know about the process so you can make an informed decision on moving forward. We are completely understanding if you change your mind. We just appreciate the chance to even explore this as a possibility. 

I'm sending you endless love Julia Meade. Seriously. Thank you. 

B

She even shared a beautiful essay about their struggle and why her heart is so heavy on Mother's Day.  Reading this made my offer turn into a full investment into helping them create a family!

following my heart

I have known about a beautiful couple's struggle to start a family for quite some time.  We are quasi-family, inlaws of inlaws, if that makes sense.  Last week, I asked more about their journey and it was evident that despite years of turmoil and exorbitant expenditures, almost all hope was lost and that when they were ready, they would begin to explore adoption.


I could no longer sit back and let my feelings linger.  I am no holy-roller but do I have a strong relationship with God.  I don't go to church as I feel that my faith is not about a dwelling but a relationship in my heart.  God was nudging me constantly that I needed to reach out.  I struggled with this, but knew I had to offer. 


It just so happened that I had my annual pap this same week and discussed the options of surrogacy with my OBGYN.  She explained that I would be a good candidate, although I was approaching an age (I'm 35) where time was winding down.  This information solidified the nudges I had been feeling from God and I knew it was time. 


I talk to my two children about being kind every single day, sometimes many times a day.  If I let this opportunity pass, or if it was nothing they wanted to consider, the kindness of the offer couldn't be passed up.  Even though I had offered through the grapevine a couple of years ago to carry a child for them, I wasn't sure how it would be received.  I offered again last week and I don't think those offers ever made it to the couple because it is something that is often said in passing but people may not really be up for the challenge. 
Would I just be opening up another chance of heartache for B/P?  Had they come to terms that it just wasn't going to happen?  Were they already exploring adoption?
I got up the gumption to write a simple email "just an offer" to the ever waiting parents to be.  This is what I sent:


B,

I struggle to write this because I don’t know how it will be received, but my heart is saying I have to put it out there.

C has shared briefly about your struggles to conceive/carry over the past few years.  I have no idea the pain and agony you and P have experienced – I am very sorry for the heartache you have been through.  If you are ever considering surrogacy, I am willing to carry your child. Being brutally honest, I have no idea what all of the logistics are, but if you wanted to explore further, let me know.  There would be no costs associated on our end. 

Our family is complete, but if I could help to give the gift of parenthood to someone else, I want to do so.  Just think about it as another option.  I had my annual pap yesterday and my doctor said I am a good candidate, although getting older (35) to be the ideal candidate for surrogacy. 

If you want to talk at all, let me know.  If you appreciate the offer but have no desire to move forward, that is fine, too.  You don’t even need to respond.  I just know that this has been weighing on my mind and heart and if I didn’t offer the option to explore further, I wouldn’t be doing myself justice. 

Regardless, I wish you and P peace as you figure out where the journey leads.  You are stronger than you think!

Julia Meade

Once I hit send, I didn't know if I was overstepping or if I had done the right thing.  In my heart I knew it was right and I just hoped it would be well received.  I was stewing in my own emotional uproar, hoping that I sent the email to the right address and that if nothing else it was appreciated regardless of their thoughts to explore further.  A couple of hours later, I received a response.  I cried and cried and cried.  I was meant to send that offer, it was more than appreciated, and they wanted to see if it could be the next part of their journey. 


Sometimes when God speaks to us, we have to listen.  He had put this idea in my heart a couple years ago, but never nudged me enough to act on it.  I write all of this to document where things lead our families and to instill hope in others also facing fertility issues.