Is this right?

Last night, I took the opportunity to share what I have written with our families.  After doing so, I laid in bed wondering if this entire process was meant to be.  The fears of it all continue to linger.  I was sick to my stomach thinking about the disappointment that may ensue.  Thinking about Jacob and my children that will be along for the crazy ride.  Thinking about our family dynamic that may change forever, good or bad.  Thinking about what this may mean for everyone regardless of the outcome.

Then I got a sweet text from B that said "it's like having a fairy Godmother by my side."  This touched me and helped me to put my emotions aside and stop dwelling on the anxiety that stems from the concerns associated.

If we don't try, we won't know.  I remembered why I even offered.  The advantages of this journey will always outweigh the disadvantages.  I am devoted to do whatever it takes, unless my health is ever at risk.  I am dedicated to this process and to B/P through it all. 

Deep down, it feels right. It may not be perfect, but it IS right.  In the trenches of my heart I truly believe that we all will be okay as we navigate the lengthy journey ahead.

the fear is real

I have always been one to try and not let fear get to me.  However, the fear of the unknown in this process is overwhelming.  What if it doesn't work?  What if I am not a good enough candidate?  What if it puts my health at risk?  What if this just adds to the heartbreak that B/P have already experienced?  Oftentimes, for me, fear is paralyzing. 

While the fear is real and exists, I am doing my best to put it aside, thinking about the most beautiful outcome that could ever be.  I imagine this life with one more sweet child and adoring parents.  I imagine doting aunts and uncles, grandparents providing more love than they new existed.  I imagine my own, full heart, knowing that my family is complete yet we were able to give that same experience to others.

The fear will not immobilize me, but push me to be happier and healthier than ever.  It will help me to create the best circumstances possible to realize the joys that come with parenthood, through others' eyes.  One day, maybe my experience will help to inspire one other gentle heart to reach out and do the same thing?  You never know what will happen, but my heart is in this.  I will not give up and let the worries get the best of me.