finding serenity

Several weeks ago, Christen, my sister-in-law and Bethany's sister, reached out to me to see if we could have some time together.  I welcomed that but then got nervous.  What if she was upset with me?  What if she wishes I never broached this subject?  What if, what if, what if...  This is how my mind works and it is really ridiculous.  Once I realized that she just wanted to chat and spend time together, my mind was put at ease.

Fast forward to today, Christen and I met downtown at part of the James River Park that I had never been to - the Pipeline Walkway.  I arrived about 45 minutes early because I was a little nervous about not being able to navigate the walkway and I also wanted to make sure I got some dedicated exercise in before we met.  Stepping down on that walkway on my own was so liberating.  I had no idea the sense of peace that would come with that 10 minute walk down the pipeline and back.  I made sure I was totally aware and mindful the entire time.  I took tons of pictures and just felt everything.  I listened to the rushing water; watched the sun glisten on the river.  It was absolutely breathtaking.  I couldn't believe I stumbled on a slice of heaven so close to home that I had never even heard about.

I walked back up awaiting Christen and trying to get some more exercise in.  When she got there, we went down on the walkway together.  She was as enamored as I was at the beauty there to experience.  We hopped off the walkway for a little bit and sat in the sand on the bank of the river for a little bit.  We talked, got a little teary, laughed, and were ourselves, together.  Beyond the environment that couldn't have been any more perfect, I am happy to have spent that time with Christen.  We eventually walked to lunch and chatted further.  I am so thankful to have had this time for me and for us.  I am going to make a point to spend more one on one time with Christen and also do some more local exploring.  Who knows what else is out there that I have yet to encounter?

"As I went down to the river to pray, studying about that good ol' way.  And who shall wear the starry crown, Good Lord, show me the way."  - Alison Krauss

reality check

This weekend was busy but wonderful!  I got so many long, wonderful squeezes at our nephew's birthday party and it was amazing.  It is nice to know that we are all on this journey together and I have so much support through it all.

The busy weekend also tested my will power for eating healthier.  I struggled a bit and we had take out fried chicken Friday night followed by ice cream for my birthday.  I have also had a cup of ice cream the last two nights (I really shouldn't have bought the coffee flavor - I don't even like coffee - but the ice cream is something I LOVE).  At a birthday party yesterday for one of Meade's friends, I couldn't stop snacking on Cheez Its and definitely had very little water intake all weekend.  All things I am not going to beat myself up over, but I am going to better about going forward.  I am determined to make this Wednesday's weigh in count! 

Since my birthday last week, I have also started socializing the blog a little bit more with friends and family.  This is pretty difficult for me - even with my own pregnancies (I'll write more on those later), I was very hush hush about them because I was scared to death - scared that something would go wrong and that I would want to have that heartache to myself without having everyone else experience it too. 

This journey is different.  I have to let more people in.  I have to be vulnerable to have others hold me accountable.  This is not easy, but I am willing to do it and I know we will be getting a lot more prayers, thoughts, and encouragement because of it.  B and I are at the point where anyone is welcome to share the blog with friends/family via word of mouth or email.  We are not ready to share publicly on social media yet, but that will come soon.  Personally, I owe it to my team at work to fill them in as this will effect them as I will likely be out for a few weeks when the baby comes.  So, I hope to have a great conversation with my leader when she is in town later this week.  Also, I need to submit this blog to our ethics/privacy/compliance team.  The last thing I can do through all of this is jeopardize my livelihood.  If that means I should not share what is going on, I may have to stop.  However, I don't foresee this being an issue. 

All of this said, you are welcome to share.  Please follow the blog, comment on posts that mean something to you and we can gain support from.  My ultimate hope with this dedicated writing is that it might be a means to provide financial help to B/P in the long run.  We shall see!

Thank you all for reading and being on this journey with me - the best is yet to come!

"Anything is possible when you have the right people there to support you."  Misty Copeland

the fear is real

I have always been one to try and not let fear get to me.  However, the fear of the unknown in this process is overwhelming.  What if it doesn't work?  What if I am not a good enough candidate?  What if it puts my health at risk?  What if this just adds to the heartbreak that B/P have already experienced?  Oftentimes, for me, fear is paralyzing. 

While the fear is real and exists, I am doing my best to put it aside, thinking about the most beautiful outcome that could ever be.  I imagine this life with one more sweet child and adoring parents.  I imagine doting aunts and uncles, grandparents providing more love than they new existed.  I imagine my own, full heart, knowing that my family is complete yet we were able to give that same experience to others.

The fear will not immobilize me, but push me to be happier and healthier than ever.  It will help me to create the best circumstances possible to realize the joys that come with parenthood, through others' eyes.  One day, maybe my experience will help to inspire one other gentle heart to reach out and do the same thing?  You never know what will happen, but my heart is in this.  I will not give up and let the worries get the best of me. 

sharing life

For years and years, I have wanted to make an impact on others.  I work toward this every day through kindness to anyone and everyone, instilling morals and values into my own children to act in the same manner, and looking for ways to better the world around us.
Many moons ago, I watched a few people benefit from organ donation.  I immediately tried to sign up with an organ donation organization just to see if I was ever called upon to be a match.  However, due to my weight, I was rejected.  That was crazy to me.  Wouldn't one think that if I was a match and had the opportunity to provide life to someone else, I would do my utmost to lose weight and make it work?  Knowing that I simply was unable to register was pretty defeating.  I figured that one day, I would try again.  Maybe I still will?
While surrogacy may not be a donation of an organ, it is still the opportunity to donate and share life with other individuals.  My body will be a loving host to a child for 40 weeks in anticipation of allowing another couple to realize their dreams of parenthood.  In this process, I do have weight to lose, but I am more dedicated than ever to make it happen.
I will love this child just as I do my own.  I will sing and read to this baby, allow it to be a part of my family for several months and then hopefully be a part of their family (respecting their parents) for the rest of their lives.  Hopefully my children will play with this child as it ages.  As the world continues to turn, I will have shared life, love, and happiness.  This will satisfy me more than I ever could have imagined.