presence

In my adult life, I have always realized more joy from giving verses receiving.  I guess it is true that as we age, we figure out the finer things in life.  The best present I ever could have received tonight was the gift of time.  I was able to see and love on my dear, sweet Ms. Clare that I had not seen in almost nine months due to COVID.  Ms. Clare went to the hospital last weekend due to trouble breathing.  With many tests, it was indicative that she had possibly suffered a heart attack, was septic, and had a bowl blockage that was not making its way out on its own.  While her daughter could have opted for surgery, the invasive nature didn't seem right.  I tried to see her earlier this week, but was unable to due to the COVID restrictions at the hospital, which I had to respect.  

Later in the week, there was no improvement and since there had been no nutrition, she was placed in hospice care.  I reached out again today to see if there were different visiting requirements and was told there were.  While receiving hospice care on a different floor, she was able to have up to three visitors at once and her daughter allowed me to come this evening.  It was so sad to see her in her state, but also provided me much peace.  I had missed this lady so much!  She was my confidant and although over the last few years she hadn't spoken back much, we still were able to maintain a beautiful relationship.

In the hospital, I noticed that her oral hygiene was non-existent and asked if I could call the nurses in because she really needed to be cleaned up.  I was prepared to do it, but the nurses came in, saw what I was seeing and said it was there job to get her mouth clean.  With suction and lots of swabbing by two nurses and me holding a light, it took about ten minutes for her mouth to look so much nicer and I can only imagine that my sweet lady felt so much better although she couldn't express it nor did she ever wake up.

Holding her hand for a couple of hours and speaking with her daughter gave me a sense of comfort that I desperately needed.  It was obvious that Ms. Clare's time on this earth was coming to an end but the gift of her friendship that I had cultivated over the last several years was one that I would cherish forever.  To think about our conversation the previous September about me acting as a surrogate, I knew that even with her in heaven, I will continue to have a huge supporter behind me.  

I truly didn't want to leave the hospital - I would have stayed all night if I didn't think I was impeding on mother/daughter time.  I just love this lady as if she was my grandmother but also the dearest friend one can imagine.  I held it together while I was there, but as I left, I broke a little bit.  This is the end and while I am at peace with that, it is still very sad.  So sad for all of us that she leaves behind.  I will miss our times together and all of the gifts she bestowed on me as she taught me so many true life lessons.

There is no greater gift in life than that of blessed relationships.  I feel this way about Ms. Clare and over the last year or so, I have developed more beautiful connections - especially with Bethany and Phillip.