reality check

This weekend was busy but wonderful!  I got so many long, wonderful squeezes at our nephew's birthday party and it was amazing.  It is nice to know that we are all on this journey together and I have so much support through it all.

The busy weekend also tested my will power for eating healthier.  I struggled a bit and we had take out fried chicken Friday night followed by ice cream for my birthday.  I have also had a cup of ice cream the last two nights (I really shouldn't have bought the coffee flavor - I don't even like coffee - but the ice cream is something I LOVE).  At a birthday party yesterday for one of Meade's friends, I couldn't stop snacking on Cheez Its and definitely had very little water intake all weekend.  All things I am not going to beat myself up over, but I am going to better about going forward.  I am determined to make this Wednesday's weigh in count! 

Since my birthday last week, I have also started socializing the blog a little bit more with friends and family.  This is pretty difficult for me - even with my own pregnancies (I'll write more on those later), I was very hush hush about them because I was scared to death - scared that something would go wrong and that I would want to have that heartache to myself without having everyone else experience it too. 

This journey is different.  I have to let more people in.  I have to be vulnerable to have others hold me accountable.  This is not easy, but I am willing to do it and I know we will be getting a lot more prayers, thoughts, and encouragement because of it.  B and I are at the point where anyone is welcome to share the blog with friends/family via word of mouth or email.  We are not ready to share publicly on social media yet, but that will come soon.  Personally, I owe it to my team at work to fill them in as this will effect them as I will likely be out for a few weeks when the baby comes.  So, I hope to have a great conversation with my leader when she is in town later this week.  Also, I need to submit this blog to our ethics/privacy/compliance team.  The last thing I can do through all of this is jeopardize my livelihood.  If that means I should not share what is going on, I may have to stop.  However, I don't foresee this being an issue. 

All of this said, you are welcome to share.  Please follow the blog, comment on posts that mean something to you and we can gain support from.  My ultimate hope with this dedicated writing is that it might be a means to provide financial help to B/P in the long run.  We shall see!

Thank you all for reading and being on this journey with me - the best is yet to come!

"Anything is possible when you have the right people there to support you."  Misty Copeland

the offer IS real

I got the most lovely note from my sister in law (C) yesterday afternoon that also happens to be B's sister.  Hence, the quasi-family relationship here.  I was so emotional, I couldn't even respond but I did send a simple text back letting her know that I had received it and would write more when I wasn't so emotional.  There were several things about this email (and eventual call) that have made a huge impact.

1 - She apologized.  This apology was NEVER necessary.  Just because I mentioned that I would be willing to entertain surrogacy for B didn't mean that she was responsible for making that connection.  People say "I'll do this/that" all the time in passing but if they don't act on it, it was a moot point to begin with.  Plus, B/P had mentioned they were done with IVF.  C said it really well - "I thought it was, again, a kind thing to say, an off-handed comment to show empathy for my sister."  I.get.it.  That is why I knew that because I was serious, I had to let my actions lead instead of my words.

2 - She provided unending gratitude.  I will never expect nor want a thank you during this process.  My heart knows it is doing the right thing and it is being guided with God's help.  My simple email has given "an answer to their prayers - renewal - a ripple effect of hope through our entire family." Knowing this is what keeps me determined to follow through.  I don't need thanks.  I need prayers for strength to endure the difficult road ahead for me and my family and B/P and their families.

3 - She is supportive.  I struggled reaching out directly to B and not through C, but I knew it was what needed to happen.  I didn't want to get anyone else involved (didn't even really discuss with Jacob yet) until I heard from B that it was something she wanted to look into.  After all, why get others' emotions in an uproar if there was never a chance for fruition.  Knowing that C and her family are here with us each step of the way is invaluable.

4 - (and most important) She understands.  C gets that it will be a long road that may not lead to the beautiful outcome we are all praying for, but she put it into words. This means the world to me and I will forever hold these words dear: "Even if you have a change of heart, even if this process never gets up and running, even if IVF fails again - I want you to know that I will never forget your email to my sister.  Her world is a little brighter knowing that there are people like you who act out of such love.  Mine is too."  This is the most impactful.  C gets it.  She understands that there are so many logistics to get through and I could be told tomorrow that it is not an option.  It will be devastating, but it will also provide B/P the answer they need that adoption is the next step to explore.

Beyond the email, C and I had a lengthy phone call last night where we rehashed all of the words and cried a lot.  We are on the same page as far as expectations go and will work to find the best path forward, with all of our families there to support us.

This morning, I awoke with a full heart and a reserve of energy to keep pushing through, doing all I can to hold up my end of the offer.