keeping the faith

Y'all, my faith has been tested over the last few days.  I have been so positive throughout this whole journey and I have to keep that optimism and know that the recent hiccup is just another speed bump on this road.  I continue to pray and God keeps telling me that everything is going to be just fine.  I am trusting what he is telling me.

I swear, I have never in my life felt so connected to spirit.  The relationship with God in my heart is stronger than it has ever been.  I am thankful for that.

While I not ready to share the the current issue publicly, I will in due time, once everything is smoothed over.  I have shared what is going on with Bethany and have ensured her that I am still fully invested in this journey and 110% committed.

On a brighter note, at my weigh in this morning, I lost three more pounds.  I am down to 220 - 20 more to go for the mock cycle and 30 more total for transfer!  To top it off, I had a lovely off-site work meeting with a lady that has been a shining light in my life and career over the last decade.  She truly inspires me and has been one to teach me to trust my faith and to listen to God.  This beautiful soul is one of the reasons that I made this "offer."

When I was at Westminster Canterbury last week, I bought a few children's books at their thrift sale.  I saw this book and read it just now.  It has given me everything I need:

"There are times when I worry about what might happen next and what happened before.  The thoughts in my head are like rushing water, and I feel like a boat with no anchor...being carried away.  I give myself a moment.  I take a breath.  And then I tell myself: It's alright.  I feel the ground beneath my feet and steady myself and start to notice the HERE and the NOW.  My thoughts begin to settle.  My mind begins to clear.  I am Peace.  I can watch my worries gently pop and disappear.  I let thing go.  I can say what I feel inside out loud.  I know myself.  I can share kindness with others.  I make a difference.  I can hug a tree and thank it for its beauty and strength.  I connect to nature.  I can watch the clouds make shapes against the sky.  I know wonder.  I can taste and smell and touch and see and hear and see what is all around me.  I use my senses.  I can feel my breath fill my whole body.  I tune into me.  Now the water is still.  I have found my anchor, and everything IS alright.  I don't need to worry about before or after.  I am in THIS moment.  I am peace.  Now I share my peace with others and hope that it is carried away to those who need it.  And I dream...WE ARE PEACE."

reality check

This weekend was busy but wonderful!  I got so many long, wonderful squeezes at our nephew's birthday party and it was amazing.  It is nice to know that we are all on this journey together and I have so much support through it all.

The busy weekend also tested my will power for eating healthier.  I struggled a bit and we had take out fried chicken Friday night followed by ice cream for my birthday.  I have also had a cup of ice cream the last two nights (I really shouldn't have bought the coffee flavor - I don't even like coffee - but the ice cream is something I LOVE).  At a birthday party yesterday for one of Meade's friends, I couldn't stop snacking on Cheez Its and definitely had very little water intake all weekend.  All things I am not going to beat myself up over, but I am going to better about going forward.  I am determined to make this Wednesday's weigh in count! 

Since my birthday last week, I have also started socializing the blog a little bit more with friends and family.  This is pretty difficult for me - even with my own pregnancies (I'll write more on those later), I was very hush hush about them because I was scared to death - scared that something would go wrong and that I would want to have that heartache to myself without having everyone else experience it too. 

This journey is different.  I have to let more people in.  I have to be vulnerable to have others hold me accountable.  This is not easy, but I am willing to do it and I know we will be getting a lot more prayers, thoughts, and encouragement because of it.  B and I are at the point where anyone is welcome to share the blog with friends/family via word of mouth or email.  We are not ready to share publicly on social media yet, but that will come soon.  Personally, I owe it to my team at work to fill them in as this will effect them as I will likely be out for a few weeks when the baby comes.  So, I hope to have a great conversation with my leader when she is in town later this week.  Also, I need to submit this blog to our ethics/privacy/compliance team.  The last thing I can do through all of this is jeopardize my livelihood.  If that means I should not share what is going on, I may have to stop.  However, I don't foresee this being an issue. 

All of this said, you are welcome to share.  Please follow the blog, comment on posts that mean something to you and we can gain support from.  My ultimate hope with this dedicated writing is that it might be a means to provide financial help to B/P in the long run.  We shall see!

Thank you all for reading and being on this journey with me - the best is yet to come!

"Anything is possible when you have the right people there to support you."  Misty Copeland

a day to learn

Today is a day I have been looking forward to for two weeks now.  I get to have a call with B's fertility doctor to learn more about my viability and the process.  I have a host of questions to ask to find more comfort in the journey and also have Dr. Nair get comfortable with me.

B texted this morning to say she is saying prayers for a good meeting.  You know what's funny, I hadn't even begun to pray.  Honestly, I just know we are going to have a good discussion and it will solidify the path ahead.  Prayers are always appreciated and goodness I pray a LOT these days.  It just hadn't occurred to me that I should pray about today yet.  That said, I have since thanked God for today's opportunity as I look forward to getting a plan of action.

I do, however, have a beautiful token I am wearing today, a gift from B's parents.  I am not one to like receiving, but I am thankful for this as I know I have many, many angels up there on my side.  Disclaimer - I am not good at selfies and I haven't showered after the gym.  Look at this sweet gem that will be with me today and throughout the journey!!

I can't wait to provide an update later!!!

"It takes a dream to get started, desire to keep going and determination to finish."  - Eddie Harris, Jr.

blessed

A couple of nights ago, I got into bed before 8 as I typically do.  I laid there and had a rush of emotions running through my mind.  I have never been in such a good place.  I am so damned happy.  My life is wonderful.  I tried to call my parents and thank them for everything they provided growing up, but most importantly instilling in me values that still matter.  I hope that one day my children will think of Jacob and me as I do them. 

In this moment of overwhelming joy, I also sent a note to B letting her know that all is really good and that I am determined to make this work.  Her response, which I saw yesterday morning, was "P.S. You've changed my life."  That is not what I was going for here (at least not yet).  Obviously, I do want to change her and P's lives, bringing a sweet baby home to love, but I never imagined I would have impact already. 

When all is said and done, if everything works or if it doesn't, my hope is that the world is a little brighter because of this journey.  I hope that someone thinks about doing something kind for someone else because they want to, not because it is expected.  I hope families are brought together out of difficult times to realize there is so much more that life has to offer. 

I can tell you - my life is already brighter.  And, on an really bright side, my body is lighter.  I weighed in today after a week and I am down four pounds from last week.  While I am thrilled, I also don't want to lose it too fast because that can be unhealthy too.  The work at the gym is paying off!

And at the end of today, like every day, I plan to "keep fucking going."

motivation

B has been asking what she can do to help me lose weight.  Well, I am pretty damned determined so I don't think there is much I need beyond staying in my current mindset.  However, motivation to keep pushing is always welcome!  Yesterday morning I woke up to two packages at the front door with these items!

I have never been one to keep up a food/exercise journal.  I had never had a blog until now either.  So, I am going to give it a whirl!  I did not exercise yesterday but I am not disappointed.  Sometimes we need a little break.  Saturday, Gregory and I went for a walk (or "race") as he called it through the neighborhood.  It was good to spend some one on one time with him while getting exercise in!

Started the week off right this morning - 2 miles on the treadmill accompanied by my new water bottle!

good news or good news?

When B asked when she could call, I was super nervous.  As soon as I heard her say hello, I could hear her smiling from the other end.  Must be good news! 

First, I am a viable option.  There will be many more logistics and hoops to go through, but the MD was pleased with my records. She is going to schedule some time to chat with me and also call my OBGYN to discuss things further.  That said, we have been given the go ahead to keep going!

Second, I have to lose a considerable amount of weight.  About double what I have lost so far to have my screenings done. Well, as my brother said to me last week - you are the most stubborn and determined person I know so I have no doubt it will all work.  There are so many silver linings with this information. 

• I will get physically healthier for me and my family and for this process.  Even if I don't pass the testing down the road, I will be better off for having lost the weight.
• We will all have more time to wrap our heads around everything.  Things have moved really quickly thus far and while I am thankful (and so impatient), we really do need time to figure it all out.
• B/P will have better opportunities to apply for financial grants at the beginning of next year.  Most of them just took their second round of applications and timing just wasn't right.
• I will have so many people to help hold me accountable to this weight loss and the utmost support to get it done over the next several months.

No matter the little patience I have, this is for the best for a multitude of reasons and I am so grateful.  

On top of all of this, B got the card and bracelet I sent her this morning (so thankful considering the blue PO box I put it in last week was broken into with a crowbar).  And, for those of you that don't curse, I have a potty mouth. So if you want to keep reading - be warned now.  We are all going to stay positive for now and "keep fucking going" just like the bracelet says!