next steps

I think I have said this before, but the logistics of it all are daunting.  I can't wait for all of the preparation to be over and just deal with the pregnancy!  B and I were able to speak at length this weekend and I wanted to share our next steps with you all. 

• My main focus will continue to be on my weight loss, getting to the 200 by mid-January to do the mock transfer, hoping we can get to the actual transfer once I hit 190.
• The blog is going to get more personal, as permitted by Bethany.  B = Bethany; P = Phillip
• I am going to try to find ways to ensure we get enough of the parameters covered to monetize the blog, in hopes to raise money for Bethany and Phillip for all of the expenses, that will likely surpass 40K.
• I was hoping I may be able to represent myself in the legal contract to try and save money, but I have found that this is a must have.  Bummer.  We need to schedule an initial meeting hopefully in November.
• I am going to do some research on possible grants that Bethany and Phillip can apply for to offset costs.
• Bethany and Phillip will meet with a financial planner soon to see how they can make the finances work.
• This blog can be socialized with friends and family, but cannot be shared on social media yet.
• I have reached out to my OBGYN (that just moved from VWC to VCU) to get more information on the diagnostic testing, called HSG, that I need as well as any other information I may need to proceed.

Bear with us - there is just so much to do!  The good thing is that we have time.  The bad thing is that I am so darned impatient!

"Trust the process.  Your time is coming.  Just do the work and the results will handle themselves." - Tony Gaskins

reality check

This weekend was busy but wonderful!  I got so many long, wonderful squeezes at our nephew's birthday party and it was amazing.  It is nice to know that we are all on this journey together and I have so much support through it all.

The busy weekend also tested my will power for eating healthier.  I struggled a bit and we had take out fried chicken Friday night followed by ice cream for my birthday.  I have also had a cup of ice cream the last two nights (I really shouldn't have bought the coffee flavor - I don't even like coffee - but the ice cream is something I LOVE).  At a birthday party yesterday for one of Meade's friends, I couldn't stop snacking on Cheez Its and definitely had very little water intake all weekend.  All things I am not going to beat myself up over, but I am going to better about going forward.  I am determined to make this Wednesday's weigh in count! 

Since my birthday last week, I have also started socializing the blog a little bit more with friends and family.  This is pretty difficult for me - even with my own pregnancies (I'll write more on those later), I was very hush hush about them because I was scared to death - scared that something would go wrong and that I would want to have that heartache to myself without having everyone else experience it too. 

This journey is different.  I have to let more people in.  I have to be vulnerable to have others hold me accountable.  This is not easy, but I am willing to do it and I know we will be getting a lot more prayers, thoughts, and encouragement because of it.  B and I are at the point where anyone is welcome to share the blog with friends/family via word of mouth or email.  We are not ready to share publicly on social media yet, but that will come soon.  Personally, I owe it to my team at work to fill them in as this will effect them as I will likely be out for a few weeks when the baby comes.  So, I hope to have a great conversation with my leader when she is in town later this week.  Also, I need to submit this blog to our ethics/privacy/compliance team.  The last thing I can do through all of this is jeopardize my livelihood.  If that means I should not share what is going on, I may have to stop.  However, I don't foresee this being an issue. 

All of this said, you are welcome to share.  Please follow the blog, comment on posts that mean something to you and we can gain support from.  My ultimate hope with this dedicated writing is that it might be a means to provide financial help to B/P in the long run.  We shall see!

Thank you all for reading and being on this journey with me - the best is yet to come!

"Anything is possible when you have the right people there to support you."  Misty Copeland

a day to learn

Today is a day I have been looking forward to for two weeks now.  I get to have a call with B's fertility doctor to learn more about my viability and the process.  I have a host of questions to ask to find more comfort in the journey and also have Dr. Nair get comfortable with me.

B texted this morning to say she is saying prayers for a good meeting.  You know what's funny, I hadn't even begun to pray.  Honestly, I just know we are going to have a good discussion and it will solidify the path ahead.  Prayers are always appreciated and goodness I pray a LOT these days.  It just hadn't occurred to me that I should pray about today yet.  That said, I have since thanked God for today's opportunity as I look forward to getting a plan of action.

I do, however, have a beautiful token I am wearing today, a gift from B's parents.  I am not one to like receiving, but I am thankful for this as I know I have many, many angels up there on my side.  Disclaimer - I am not good at selfies and I haven't showered after the gym.  Look at this sweet gem that will be with me today and throughout the journey!!

I can't wait to provide an update later!!!

"It takes a dream to get started, desire to keep going and determination to finish."  - Eddie Harris, Jr.

the art of waiting

"Because we spend much of our young lives imagining ourselves as parents, it isn't surprising that even the strongest of us let the body's failure become how we define ourselves.  But life, which gives us other things to do, tells us otherwise.  The feeling of grief subsides; we think through our options and make choices."

This is an excerpt from a book I read three years ago.  A childhood family friend is a lovely author and when her newest book The Art of Waiting, came out, I jumped on the chance to own a copy.  Funny enough, I had not had any infertility issues and was pregnant with my second child that completed our family.  I went to a public reading in which the author, Belle, was making her rounds to different areas signing copies.  I must've been about 15 weeks pregnant (a secret only Jacob and I knew at the time) accompanied by my mom.  As Belle read her own words, the heartache of what she and her husband endured was conveyed in her tone more than it was in the words coming out of her lips.

I felt almost guilty being pregnant and reading this book, however, it gave me perspective.  Perspective to be thankful and truly understand others' struggles with infertility.

Now, it seems to come full circle.  My body has become an option to offer someone else the joy of motherhood.  If this option is not a viable one, it will have helped the grief subside so that the next option (potentially adoption) can be explored.  As I write this, I realize the make up of that word - from the verb adopt, in the form of a noun:  ad-option.  Another option.  Again, full circle.  If it doesn't work out with me as their gestational carrier, they can close this chapter and open another, the next one.

good news or good news?

When B asked when she could call, I was super nervous.  As soon as I heard her say hello, I could hear her smiling from the other end.  Must be good news! 

First, I am a viable option.  There will be many more logistics and hoops to go through, but the MD was pleased with my records. She is going to schedule some time to chat with me and also call my OBGYN to discuss things further.  That said, we have been given the go ahead to keep going!

Second, I have to lose a considerable amount of weight.  About double what I have lost so far to have my screenings done. Well, as my brother said to me last week - you are the most stubborn and determined person I know so I have no doubt it will all work.  There are so many silver linings with this information. 

• I will get physically healthier for me and my family and for this process.  Even if I don't pass the testing down the road, I will be better off for having lost the weight.
• We will all have more time to wrap our heads around everything.  Things have moved really quickly thus far and while I am thankful (and so impatient), we really do need time to figure it all out.
• B/P will have better opportunities to apply for financial grants at the beginning of next year.  Most of them just took their second round of applications and timing just wasn't right.
• I will have so many people to help hold me accountable to this weight loss and the utmost support to get it done over the next several months.

No matter the little patience I have, this is for the best for a multitude of reasons and I am so grateful.  

On top of all of this, B got the card and bracelet I sent her this morning (so thankful considering the blue PO box I put it in last week was broken into with a crowbar).  And, for those of you that don't curse, I have a potty mouth. So if you want to keep reading - be warned now.  We are all going to stay positive for now and "keep fucking going" just like the bracelet says!

gestational vs. traditional

I had to do a lot of research here.  I didn't understand the difference and what it all meant.

At the beginning, I offered to also be the egg donor.  Let me be honest, I don't think anyone would truly want to take the chances on my genes, but if it meant an opportunity to be a parent, I was going to allow the option.

I talked to a couple of different fertility agencies in the area an they both said that they do not allow traditional (the carrier also donates an egg and gets pregnant via IUI).  Only gestational (the donor egg and father's sperm are implanted via IVF).  Well, I wasn't sure how B/P would take that, but I was somewhat relieved.  I literally heard back within hours that B/P weren't ever thinking about using my egg, they would definitely choose a donor. 

Well, this was the first celebration for me.  As I began to create my T chart - you know, pros vs. cons (yes, I am that nerd.) - I was stressing over the traditional option.  Frankly, the emotional separation part once delivery happens seemed so much more crazy than with gestational.  So, to me, the first obstacle didn't even have a chance to become one!!!!  Bring on the next!!

sharing life

For years and years, I have wanted to make an impact on others.  I work toward this every day through kindness to anyone and everyone, instilling morals and values into my own children to act in the same manner, and looking for ways to better the world around us.
Many moons ago, I watched a few people benefit from organ donation.  I immediately tried to sign up with an organ donation organization just to see if I was ever called upon to be a match.  However, due to my weight, I was rejected.  That was crazy to me.  Wouldn't one think that if I was a match and had the opportunity to provide life to someone else, I would do my utmost to lose weight and make it work?  Knowing that I simply was unable to register was pretty defeating.  I figured that one day, I would try again.  Maybe I still will?
While surrogacy may not be a donation of an organ, it is still the opportunity to donate and share life with other individuals.  My body will be a loving host to a child for 40 weeks in anticipation of allowing another couple to realize their dreams of parenthood.  In this process, I do have weight to lose, but I am more dedicated than ever to make it happen.
I will love this child just as I do my own.  I will sing and read to this baby, allow it to be a part of my family for several months and then hopefully be a part of their family (respecting their parents) for the rest of their lives.  Hopefully my children will play with this child as it ages.  As the world continues to turn, I will have shared life, love, and happiness.  This will satisfy me more than I ever could have imagined.