yucky yucky

I suppose I spoke too soon.  All day yesterday I felt like poop, along with the majority of today.  I am trying to be really cognizant of when I feel bad and what could contribute to that - food/exercise/stress/etc.  Honestly, I think that with the birthday party Saturday and eating so much followed by an early breakfast Sunday (which I normally don't do), I set myself up for feeling like this.  I was jealous of Gregory and Jacob eating granola and milk so I decided to do the same yesterday morning.  Eating cereal always gives me low blood sugar which puts me into a spiral of having to eat/drink more to get the level up and hope that it doesn't spike too high and go back low again.  I laid on the couch the rest of the morning just feeling like crap.  Eating the bad things makes me spiral and it is not good.  

As I try to recognize how I feel today, I am back on track with the right nutrition at the right time, but all I can think is that I am somewhat "hungover" from eating bad for a couple of days.  I am praying that I will feel better tomorrow and that I will get back to the crazy, great feelings that always seem to elude me during pregnancy but were very present over the last couple of weeks!

Taking it all in and trying to learn from it to make this the best pregnancy I will ever have.  And, as always, praying that this little sesame seed continues to grow, grow, grow and gain strength to show us that heartbeat next month!

lucky lucky

This is the strangest feeling in the world - I know I am expecting, but I feel great!  I can't fathom it myself.  Other than being fatigued, I feel really good most days!  I even mentioned it several times today to my family - it just doesn't make sense.  On some level it worries me but on other levels, I am simply thankful.  The purpose behind this pregnancy is so much more than ever before.  My meds are at the right levels.  I am listening to my body to eat/drink what is necessary - not what I have always wanted.

I am beyond lucky and I pray that this little one continues to grow with me!

high again

The beta results are in for today.  4569!  When Kim told us Tuesday what she wanted to see, it was an increase of 66% (the beta number should double every three days).  Here we are with another very high number to which Kim mentioned that is great!  Again, there is no reason to believe we have multiples on board, but the numbers are good ones.

The next step is to have a vaginal ultrasound on the 16th.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to go up to DC and have that appointment with Dr. Nair or just take whatever doctor I could get in Richmond and give it a go closer to home.  Dr. Nair is also monitoring in the Arlington office on the 18th, so that was another option.  I called the HDH office and was told that Dr. Edelstien is the one doing monitoring in RVA on the 16th.  Since it wasn't the specific provider that can quickly ruin a day, I decided to go for the Richmond appointment.  

As we drove down to my parents' this afternoon, I asked Gregory if he mentioned the seed in my belly at school and he was quick to say "no way, I told you I wouldn't remember."  That said, he then started talking to Meade asking if she knew that I had a seed in my belly for Aunt Bethany and Uncle Phillip.  He tried to explain it to her and at first she was very excited until she realized that it would not be her baby sister - this poor gal has been requesting a baby sister for almost a year now since a friend of hers was promoted to big sister.

Thankfully, the conversation was quickly diverted and all was well again.  Jacob and I giggled at so much of Meade and Gregory's conversation.  It was really sweet.  I am looking forward to a good weekend away to celebrate Meade's 4th birthday with family!  Another waiting game until the 16th!

let's celebrate

We have so much to be thankful for!  I had made reservations at our favorite restaurant a few weeks ago for our anniversary and it couldn't have come at a better time.  As of yesterday, Jacob and I have been married for 8 years.  As of today, we are in the right place to continue with this transfer and cycle.  As of tomorrow, our little girl turns 4.  

While it was pretty strange to be at a restaurant (indoors without a mask, sitting at a bar with plexiglass all around us), it was so very needed.  Jacob and I were able to partake in our favorite steak in Richmond and reminisce about our marriage and everything else we have shared.  It was beautiful, regardless of how tired we both were.  Since we had a sitter, we even went to walmart (puke) to grab a few things for Meade's birthday on the way home.  

What a crazy, beautiful day it has been - and I wouldn't change it for the world!

a draining (good) day

I am utterly exhausted emotionally.  Physically, I feel great, which is crazy enough in itself.  All of this to say that we finally got a call before 1pm to let us know that we are expecting!  Oh my gosh, I have been a disaster all morning not knowing.  Once she called, it was like everything came crashing down.  It was exactly what I was hoping to hear but I couldn't muster the right words to say anything that mattered or continue on with my day as I really needed to.  We are pregnant.  I really struggled with the rest of the day, trying to manage home stuff and work stuff.  It was a high and low all at the same time, while also trying to continue to guard myself, knowing that this is the first positive step to move forward, but there is no guarantee that it won't come to a halt at any given point.

The only strength I really had throughout the afternoon was to praise God.  All of the gratitude in the world goes to him right now.  I am so happy, yet so tired, it is hard to express it.  Cheryl and Steve called which was so kind and thoughtful but again, I wasn't sure what to say.  I just felt like crying.  It was awesome and difficult at the same time.  Bethany's sister was also texting.  I tried to keep everyone following us abreast of the good news but really didn't have the emotional stability to talk it out.  I even asked some to inform others so I could be "off the hook" for the day.  I think that was the right thing to do, honestly.  I just needed some time with my feelings and get my mind right for the next step and the remainder of this journey, which I pray and pray that it doesn't end until this little, healthy baby can be physically held.

In other news, I was kind of dumbfounded by the fact that our beta number was so high.  The level was 1717.  I was expecting a few hundred.  When we were successful at this point last summer, my number was 352 and I was told that it was perfect.  This time, the nurse told us not to worry that it wasn't an indication of twins but that it was a "really really great start."  We have to believe that.  I will continue on all of my medications and then go back on Thursday for more bloodwork.  At that time, the hope is that the beta level increases by about 66% (every three days the level should double).

I would be remiss not to thank all of you for the continued thoughts and prayers.  We are here and we will persevere, even if not now, in the future.  Today's positive is the first of many that we will need to see to fully realize the purpose of the entire journey.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I am so grateful for each of you!

no matter what...

...we will rise up.  Last night and this morning, I have been playing "Rise Up" by Andra Day on repeat.  I feel like it speaks to all of this.  I have to keep telling myself that today really means nothing other than providing us some direction on the next steps.  Of course, my heart is yearning for a positive test, but again, that could prove to be negative down the road and then we start all over again.  No matter what, it will be okay and will will try a thousand times again if we have to.

One thing from this morning that really resonates with me is I shared with Jacob how nervous I was.  He looked at me and said if its negative, WE will try again.  That meant so much to me.  Jacob has been a huge supporter since the beginning but oftentimes I think it is because he knows I want it so bad.  This morning he let it be known that he is right there with us and it has also become his desire (maybe just so it can be over with - but I will give him the benefit of the doubt here).  While it didn't alleviate the nerves, it definitely added so much joy and comfort to my heart to hear him say "we."

I didn't sleep well at all last night, but that's fine and frankly, with the impending bloodwork and news, I can't expect much more.  I went for my daily walk (essentially, my time with God and therapy with my walking buddy) and all has been normal, other than me being a nervous wreck.  I have no idea where the day will take us - the normal "signs" have been inconsistent at best.  Today was my third day, which means I have to take the progesterone in oil shot to the bottom.  In between taking the kids to school, Gregory came into the kitchen for something but saw what I was doing and quickly exited - he can't handle it.  Then he screamed from the other room asking for something.  I told him I was done and that he could come in the kitchen and ask.  He came in, asked for whatever he wanted and while I was getting it he plainly said "why do you have to take so many shots?"  

My go-to has always been "because the doctor says I need to," which isn't a lie, it just doesn't tell the whole story.  Well, this morning, I got a wild hair and said "do you want to know the truth?"  He looked at me and his face was crunched up as if he was thinking "why would you lie?"  So, I went on to tell him that I am trying to carry a baby for Aunt Bethany and Uncle Phillip.  He didn't get it (as he shouldn't) so I said that I am hoping to have a baby in my belly that would not be his brother or sister and it would be Aunt Bethany and Uncle Phillip's.  His brain was churning and he asked if the doctor put a baby in my belly and I said, no, but the doctor put a seed in my belly and now we are seeing if it is growing.  If it continues to grow for several months, we will be able to give B/P the baby they deserve and if it doesn't keep growing, we will try again soon.  This kid's mind was blown.  He asked a couple more questions, like what if it is two babies.  I told him it was only one seed (but we never know).  He wanted to know if it was a boy or girl and wanted to see the "xray."  I told him all of that is too early, but if it keeps growing, we can get him those answers.  

Honestly, it has never been my intention to tell the kids until we were further along, but for some reason this morning, it felt right.  The children aren't dumb and while they will never know the extent of everything, I am sure they have been able to sense the differences on this rollercoaster inadvertently.

The best part of this is that I came out of that conversation happy that I had had it.  I did ask him not to tell his friends or anyone yet and he looked at me and said he forgets all that stuff so he wouldn't even remember to tell anyone.  We shall see.  What a beautiful interaction to a crazy and stressful morning!  Here goes nothing - off to get my bloodwork!

so very impatient

One more day, one more day.  This is what I have been saying to myself all.day.long.  I suppose there is nothing that could have been done two weeks ago or today as I prepare, hoping for a BFP (with quick googling, I realized this stands for Big Fat Positive - the things I must learn to understand anything on the FB groups I am a part of).  I even had a lady somewhat arguing with me yesterday because I am not accepting payment for this.  My goodness, I will do whatever the hell I want, crazy lady!  I commend anyone being a surrogate, but don't tell me what I need to do!  

Well, bloodwork tomorrow is at 8am.  I suspect we will get an early call if we have a positive and a later call for a negative (at least that is the way the last two transfers have gone). 

Send up all the prayers you've got!