...we will rise up. Last night and this morning, I have been playing "Rise Up" by Andra Day on repeat. I feel like it speaks to all of this. I have to keep telling myself that today really means nothing other than providing us some direction on the next steps. Of course, my heart is yearning for a positive test, but again, that could prove to be negative down the road and then we start all over again. No matter what, it will be okay and will will try a thousand times again if we have to.
One thing from this morning that really resonates with me is I shared with Jacob how nervous I was. He looked at me and said if its negative, WE will try again. That meant so much to me. Jacob has been a huge supporter since the beginning but oftentimes I think it is because he knows I want it so bad. This morning he let it be known that he is right there with us and it has also become his desire (maybe just so it can be over with - but I will give him the benefit of the doubt here). While it didn't alleviate the nerves, it definitely added so much joy and comfort to my heart to hear him say "we."
I didn't sleep well at all last night, but that's fine and frankly, with the impending bloodwork and news, I can't expect much more. I went for my daily walk (essentially, my time with God and therapy with my walking buddy) and all has been normal, other than me being a nervous wreck. I have no idea where the day will take us - the normal "signs" have been inconsistent at best. Today was my third day, which means I have to take the progesterone in oil shot to the bottom. In between taking the kids to school, Gregory came into the kitchen for something but saw what I was doing and quickly exited - he can't handle it. Then he screamed from the other room asking for something. I told him I was done and that he could come in the kitchen and ask. He came in, asked for whatever he wanted and while I was getting it he plainly said "why do you have to take so many shots?"
My go-to has always been "because the doctor says I need to," which isn't a lie, it just doesn't tell the whole story. Well, this morning, I got a wild hair and said "do you want to know the truth?" He looked at me and his face was crunched up as if he was thinking "why would you lie?" So, I went on to tell him that I am trying to carry a baby for Aunt Bethany and Uncle Phillip. He didn't get it (as he shouldn't) so I said that I am hoping to have a baby in my belly that would not be his brother or sister and it would be Aunt Bethany and Uncle Phillip's. His brain was churning and he asked if the doctor put a baby in my belly and I said, no, but the doctor put a seed in my belly and now we are seeing if it is growing. If it continues to grow for several months, we will be able to give B/P the baby they deserve and if it doesn't keep growing, we will try again soon. This kid's mind was blown. He asked a couple more questions, like what if it is two babies. I told him it was only one seed (but we never know). He wanted to know if it was a boy or girl and wanted to see the "xray." I told him all of that is too early, but if it keeps growing, we can get him those answers.
Honestly, it has never been my intention to tell the kids until we were further along, but for some reason this morning, it felt right. The children aren't dumb and while they will never know the extent of everything, I am sure they have been able to sense the differences on this rollercoaster inadvertently.
The best part of this is that I came out of that conversation happy that I had had it. I did ask him not to tell his friends or anyone yet and he looked at me and said he forgets all that stuff so he wouldn't even remember to tell anyone. We shall see. What a beautiful interaction to a crazy and stressful morning! Here goes nothing - off to get my bloodwork!
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