on a whim

While we were supposed to stay in Heathsville until tomorrow morning, we made a last minute decision to come home this evening.  Meade still isn't well and Gregory isn't feeling good now.  Since we were going to leave early, it made sense to come home tonight so we could all sleep in our own beds and hopefully rest a little more than we would have at Granny and Pops'.  I think Jacob was relieved, too.  I am really thankful that there isn't anything planned for this weekend so that we can relax and recharge for the new week.  It is hard to believe that Christmas is right around the corner.

so thankful

We changed our plans to head to Mom and Dad's early for Thanksgiving.  I mentioned my struggles of patience and such to Bethany and said that Meade had a cough.  I think that scared her so much and she said that they would not go to the family Thanksgiving.  That wouldn't be fair.  Everyone wants to be with that baby and I decided that we would wait and make the decision yesterday.  Meade's cough is not better, so we opted not to go there.  Thank goodness for Nana - she took everything we had made for that gathering (even baking one dish) and made sure it got to Dan and Christen's.

It was a really quiet, yet nice day.  Meade was still feeling pretty crummy, so she opted to stay inside and play alone while the boys played out in the woods most of the day.  They kept talking about their forts, the "shop," etc. and all they were doing out there so I asked Gregory to draw me a map of their stuff.  It is precious.  

A couple of times during the day, Mom and Dad were sad, but I didn't let my emotions get to me.  I spent a lot of time doing a puzzle and keeping to myself.  It doesn't feel like Ricky is really gone - just that he isn't here with us right now.  Regardless, it is nice to be with my family at this time.

I was a little relieved that we didn't go to Jacob's family for Thanksgiving.  I wanted so badly to see the baby, but understood that Meade being around with a cold wasn't the best idea.  I am so very thankful for all of them and especially how we have bonded together over the last two years.  What a major blessing we have in baby Makenna.  I couldn't ask for more, except for Ricky to be here with us.

boiling over

Today has been the toughest one yet.  The children have been habitual whiners for a while and it is really getting to me. I’m almost always happy to get what they ask for or help them in anyway, but instead of simply making a request, the prefer to whine.  I can’t handle it.  On the way to school, I even screamed - stop fucking whining! - as Gregory was complaining that his seatbelt was twisted.  I couldn’t get my own shit together and lost it on them.  No, it’s not the first time they’ve heard that word, but I was mortified at my own behavior.

At drop off, one of the teachers said I was the best mom. A very nice thought, but if she’d been around 10 minutes prior, she’d be wanting to call CPS. I cried the whole way home and could barely function yet I was so thankful to have sometime to myself.

Crossing off my to-do list was short lived.  The school called.  Meade went to school with a cough, but no fever.  Regardless, she needed to go home and couldn’t return tomorrow without a negative test.  Thanks, COVID.

Thankfully, I was able to get her to the pediatrician quickly but the morning was wasted by the time we got home.  I had so much to do, but didn’t want her in front of a screen all day.  This, not much got done on my end.

Thank goodness for a text from my therapist to remind me that I had a session at noon.  The last thing I wanted to do, but it was on the agenda so I had to.  Plus, I knew I needed it.  We talked about random things.  There were several lulls and I waited for her to ask me something.  I was not engaging very well, plus Meade was in the background or on my lap.

Eventually I told her about the fiasco this morning. She asked me about coping mechanisms which I simply stated even if I know them, I don’t often use them as I should.  She said I am like a boiling pot of water and unless I turn the burner down, I’m going to keep spilling over. No shit.  So, her thought was to take deep breaths.

Focused breathing?  Not easy when you’ve got kids screaming, crying and whining right beside you.  But yes, I can give it a whirl.

From the moment Gregory got in the car, he started whining.  Why did Meade leave school?  I wanted to go home early! Meade got a donut? That’s not fair!  I tried to keep my cool and take deep breaths. It took all I had to make it home without breaking.

Snacks - have whatever.  I didn’t have it in me to fight - they were fighting each other enough without me in the mix.  I had about all I could handle of their bickering and noticed that their snack trash was on the floor.  I asked them both about 5 times and gave them 10 minutes to get it in the trash.  Gregory flat out refused so I took his iPad.  Well, that brought on about 45 minutes of screaming, stomping and crying.  Finally Jacob got home and I said it was all him from there. 

I’m so grateful that I had a walk planned with a friend and colleague.  We walked about two miles until it was dark.  It was nice to catch up on our personal lives and work.  She’s a good ear to have and her kids are older so she totally gets it.  I needed that time out in life badly.

Ever since I got home, I haven’t done much with the kids - I think Jacob realized it wouldn’t be good for any of us.  

weekend fun

This weekend we were able to have a few things planned to keep the kids occupied.  Mom called Saturday morning and asked me to come down and go fishing with Dad on Sunday.  I wanted to go so badly but didn’t want to be on the road for three hours plus freeze out in the bay.  It made sense to decline for now and find family stuff to do at home. 

Yesterday, Jacob took Meade to see the high school adaptation of Beauty and the Beast.  It was an abbreviated matinee specifically for children.  Jacob’s friend from a long time ago was selling the tickets because her daughter was Belle.  I think it was a really nice outing for Jacob and Meade to have together.  She even got to take a picture with Belle!

Gregory and I stayed home until the cleaning crew left. We scheduled the house cleaning thanks to our generous friends that gifted it to us a few weeks ago amidst all of the craziness.  I can’t think of a more thoughtful thing, especially when meals are coming out of our ears.  

Once the cleaning ladies left, Gregory and I went on a nature walk at the Totopotomy trail. It was nice to have some alone time with him, all while getting some exercise.  

Saturday evening, we had planned to go to a friends house for kid play and supper.  It ended up turning into a Friendsgiving of sorts with another family and the host’s parents.  It was nice to be with the other families and since one of the gals is from home, we could talk openly about Ricky.  There was some baby/surgery talk too, but not too much.  

At one point, I had to take a break and go outside.  Im just not myself, especially in social situations.  Thankfully, everyone understood.  It was such a low key environment where I was comfortable we even stayed out past bedtime.  

Today, since I declined fishing, even though my heart wanted so badly to be on the water with Dad, we had a couple of fun, impromptu activities.

I invited the families we were with last night to send their kids over to bake cookies for their teachers for thanksgiving.  It was so nice to stay busy, see the kids have fun, and let them play freely for a while.  I think everyone had fun.  Then, we were lucky to have Aunt Shut and bear come play this afternoon.  

Alison and I talked a lot about everything, especially Ricky.  She brought up some things I hadn’t thought of, which made me think.  I just wish that I wasn’t in this place of grief.  I know it gets better and it will - I just hate this in between stage.  

overdue date

Thanks to Cheryl and Steve, Jacob and I went out to supper tonight. Not only did they give us the restaurant gift card, but they also came over to take care of the children so we could have a night out.

The food at the Sedona Tap House was amazing.  I was pleasantly surprised.  I’d never heard of the restaurant before! We are way too many appetizers and trying to finish our meals wasn’t going to happen.  I had an awful headache by the time we left because I was trying so hard to hold my tears back.

We were sitting outside on their patio as it was a nice evening and the sky behind Jacob was beautiful.  I couldn’t help but think about the last few weeks and the tears just started flowing.  I wasn’t boohooing but the tears just streamed.  It’s such an awful feeling not being in control of my emotions. 

Life isn’t fair. I know that. I’ll never understand why Ricky was called to heaven early but I have to believe that he is happy.  I’m not, but it’s not about me.  I selfishly want him here.  I want him with his son.  I want our family to be whole. I don’t want to be the only one left.  I don’t want my parents to grieve another child. 

As the tears rolled down my cheeks, Jacob said that for the first time in his life he is mad at God.  This snapped me back to reality and I had to say this isn’t a time to be angry with God.  We can be angry about the situation but God knows what he is doing, even if it makes no sense to us.

Trying to hold back the emotions brought on an awful headache and I was so glad to get home.  The kids were spoiled and had an amazing time with Bethany’s parents.  It was heartwarming to see them having such fun playing games when we returned. 

neighbor help

One of our dear neighbors, Ms. Sally, has been asking to have the children over to play with her grandchildren for a while.  We made it happen today after school and before the Wednesday evening routine.  When I confirmed with her, I asked if I needed to stay.  If not, I was going to go out for a walk.

Ms. Sally immediately told me to walk that she would be fine with the kids.  My heart needed that time alone, in nature. At one point, I started getting a little upset and with the heavy breathing was worried I was bringing on a panic attack.  I thought I would need to call Jacob but talked myself off the ledge and control my breathing.  The three miles went too fast - my mind yearned for more.  That said, my body was done.  Hah!

The children had a grand time over there and can’t wait to go back!

This morning, I had another treat, too.  I met an old friend for breakfast. We talked a lot about everything going on and she was a good sounding board because she has been bombarded with big events (good and bad) in a short time period in the past.  

I’m so thankful for those that continue to surround me in love and prayer.  I could never be still standing without them.

legal help

Today we met with an attorney to sort out the next steps to get everything on Ricky's end handled.  I learned a few things and Mom, Dad, and I divided items up to follow through on.  I will apply to be the administrator for him once he has been dead for 60 days.  I can't do much with some of the financial things until that point.  

The best part of today is that I took a nap AND a walk.  Doing both is so helpful to me mentally and physically.  I definitely needed the mental help after meeting with the lawyer today.