Today has been the toughest one yet. The children have been habitual whiners for a while and it is really getting to me. I’m almost always happy to get what they ask for or help them in anyway, but instead of simply making a request, the prefer to whine. I can’t handle it. On the way to school, I even screamed - stop fucking whining! - as Gregory was complaining that his seatbelt was twisted. I couldn’t get my own shit together and lost it on them. No, it’s not the first time they’ve heard that word, but I was mortified at my own behavior.
At drop off, one of the teachers said I was the best mom. A very nice thought, but if she’d been around 10 minutes prior, she’d be wanting to call CPS. I cried the whole way home and could barely function yet I was so thankful to have sometime to myself.
Crossing off my to-do list was short lived. The school called. Meade went to school with a cough, but no fever. Regardless, she needed to go home and couldn’t return tomorrow without a negative test. Thanks, COVID.
Thankfully, I was able to get her to the pediatrician quickly but the morning was wasted by the time we got home. I had so much to do, but didn’t want her in front of a screen all day. This, not much got done on my end.
Thank goodness for a text from my therapist to remind me that I had a session at noon. The last thing I wanted to do, but it was on the agenda so I had to. Plus, I knew I needed it. We talked about random things. There were several lulls and I waited for her to ask me something. I was not engaging very well, plus Meade was in the background or on my lap.
Eventually I told her about the fiasco this morning. She asked me about coping mechanisms which I simply stated even if I know them, I don’t often use them as I should. She said I am like a boiling pot of water and unless I turn the burner down, I’m going to keep spilling over. No shit. So, her thought was to take deep breaths.
Focused breathing? Not easy when you’ve got kids screaming, crying and whining right beside you. But yes, I can give it a whirl.
From the moment Gregory got in the car, he started whining. Why did Meade leave school? I wanted to go home early! Meade got a donut? That’s not fair! I tried to keep my cool and take deep breaths. It took all I had to make it home without breaking.
Snacks - have whatever. I didn’t have it in me to fight - they were fighting each other enough without me in the mix. I had about all I could handle of their bickering and noticed that their snack trash was on the floor. I asked them both about 5 times and gave them 10 minutes to get it in the trash. Gregory flat out refused so I took his iPad. Well, that brought on about 45 minutes of screaming, stomping and crying. Finally Jacob got home and I said it was all him from there.
I’m so grateful that I had a walk planned with a friend and colleague. We walked about two miles until it was dark. It was nice to catch up on our personal lives and work. She’s a good ear to have and her kids are older so she totally gets it. I needed that time out in life badly.
Ever since I got home, I haven’t done much with the kids - I think Jacob realized it wouldn’t be good for any of us.
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