overdue date

Thanks to Cheryl and Steve, Jacob and I went out to supper tonight. Not only did they give us the restaurant gift card, but they also came over to take care of the children so we could have a night out.

The food at the Sedona Tap House was amazing.  I was pleasantly surprised.  I’d never heard of the restaurant before! We are way too many appetizers and trying to finish our meals wasn’t going to happen.  I had an awful headache by the time we left because I was trying so hard to hold my tears back.

We were sitting outside on their patio as it was a nice evening and the sky behind Jacob was beautiful.  I couldn’t help but think about the last few weeks and the tears just started flowing.  I wasn’t boohooing but the tears just streamed.  It’s such an awful feeling not being in control of my emotions. 

Life isn’t fair. I know that. I’ll never understand why Ricky was called to heaven early but I have to believe that he is happy.  I’m not, but it’s not about me.  I selfishly want him here.  I want him with his son.  I want our family to be whole. I don’t want to be the only one left.  I don’t want my parents to grieve another child. 

As the tears rolled down my cheeks, Jacob said that for the first time in his life he is mad at God.  This snapped me back to reality and I had to say this isn’t a time to be angry with God.  We can be angry about the situation but God knows what he is doing, even if it makes no sense to us.

Trying to hold back the emotions brought on an awful headache and I was so glad to get home.  The kids were spoiled and had an amazing time with Bethany’s parents.  It was heartwarming to see them having such fun playing games when we returned.