I have really been struggling lately with one subject only. What if Jacob and I happen to get pregnant? That would derail everything! Even though I have an IUD, we could be that .01% - it has happened to others!
So, as nervous as I was, I asked Jacob if we could start using condoms again. Well, to my surprise, Jacob was totally okay with it because it was a way to ease my mind through all of this. I must say that I was kind of freaked out buying condoms again - figured I wouldn't have to do so until my children were in their teenage years. But, it was pretty liberating and I owned it!
I must face all fears head on and do what I can to relinquish them. I am proud of myself for not letting it immobilize me and finding other ways to be comfortable in loving my husband through all of this.
I am going to bed with peace in my mind and a full heart knowing Jacob is so supportive through this journey. I could never try to do this on my own and he has had my back since day one!
"A husband is more than a partner; he is a friend, an encourager, a supporter, and a helper always there when you need him." - Catherine Pulsifer
Friday, October 11, 2019
Tuesday, October 8, 2019
the power of gratitude
Yesterday, at work, I was forwarded this article: The Neuroscience of Gratitude.
I just finished reading it and man does it ring true. I really feel as though I am in the best spot in my life because I am more grateful for everything I have. Unfortunately, struggling on my own and watching others, both past and present, helps me to create a sense of gratitude in my own life.
As the process of being a Gestational Carrier continues to morph, I am filled with the utmost gratitude. For the support we are receiving from everyone. For the honest opinions and fears I have and others have shared with me. For the unknown, yet the optimistic future. For the strengthened relationship with God I have found. For the blending of families. For the confidence of so many on this journey with us. For a wonderful work environment in which I am valued. For the progress I see, even if it is little by little. For the determination to keep going and make it all a reality.
Being so optimistic has never been easy for me, but I try hard these days to stay positive and enjoy the ride. Just the small changes I have made truly do make a difference. I don't think I will ever be perfect in this regard (is anyone?), but for me, it has proven to be worthwhile!
Next step here - I need to start a gratitude journal. In doing this, I will be more cognizant of all I have, trying not to take anything for granted.
“Gratitude drives happiness. Happiness boosts productivity. Productivity reveals mastery. And mastery inspires the world”. - Robin Sharma
I just finished reading it and man does it ring true. I really feel as though I am in the best spot in my life because I am more grateful for everything I have. Unfortunately, struggling on my own and watching others, both past and present, helps me to create a sense of gratitude in my own life.
As the process of being a Gestational Carrier continues to morph, I am filled with the utmost gratitude. For the support we are receiving from everyone. For the honest opinions and fears I have and others have shared with me. For the unknown, yet the optimistic future. For the strengthened relationship with God I have found. For the blending of families. For the confidence of so many on this journey with us. For a wonderful work environment in which I am valued. For the progress I see, even if it is little by little. For the determination to keep going and make it all a reality.
Being so optimistic has never been easy for me, but I try hard these days to stay positive and enjoy the ride. Just the small changes I have made truly do make a difference. I don't think I will ever be perfect in this regard (is anyone?), but for me, it has proven to be worthwhile!
Next step here - I need to start a gratitude journal. In doing this, I will be more cognizant of all I have, trying not to take anything for granted.
“Gratitude drives happiness. Happiness boosts productivity. Productivity reveals mastery. And mastery inspires the world”. - Robin Sharma
Monday, October 7, 2019
let there be light
I was surprised with this beautiful picture and message. B's parents are traveling in Canada and she sent this picture to us. She lit two candles - one for each of us and our families at the Basilica of Notre Dame in Old Quebec City today. This picture brought tears to my eyes and joy to my being.
"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence." - Helen Keller
the hugs
The best thing happened yesterday. Frankly, I am still high on the time and my heart is beyond full.
B/P came over to visit along with P's sweet parents. When B walked in the door, we just hugged. The hug lingered but could've lasted for ever. We cried and kept hugging. It just felt right. We are meant to be here together, right now, for this purpose. Once B and I released, I got the best hugs from P and his parents as well. Everyone came in, saw the children, we did a little small talk and then settled in in our living room.
The room we NEVER use and that Jacob wants to turn into something "useful." To me, the formal living room is a place of peace that I want to keep. It was so fitting for us all to sit in there and just chat. We talked about a multitude of subjects, some easy, some not so easy. Nobody has had a flawless go at life, but we make the best of it. I learned about B's grandmother and the cookies she used to make. I learned about P's biological father and step father, his siblings. P's father told us about his careers and how he grew up in a small town like me. P's mom spoke about her career, their home, and the fact they are figuring out their next steps. Everyone was just lovely.
I spoke about my family. My children interrupted - at least this was a taste of what they are in for! Meade even slammed her fingers in the door after we constantly told her to leave the door alone. Jacob had to take her out of the room screaming - hopefully she learned a lesson this time! We even got to hear that B/P are considering moving back to the Richmond area. Well, that is awesome! I tried not to show too much excitement, but this made my heart soar.
Before they left, B and I had to get a picture! Do you see that sliver of light between me and B? That my friends is progress! Yeah, she is skinny but even when I hug skinny people, my belly still doesn't allow for any slice of air between us. Now, it does!! That is the first thing I noticed in the picture and it still makes me smile!
As we were wrapping up the conversations, which were never dull, I stepped out of the room as we were dispersing. When I walked back in P's mom was asking about the pregnancies I have had and the fact she knows that it will be difficult on him, too. She has no idea. My pregnancies are never ideal, but I think this will be different and I will make sure I am not too hard on Jacob - I mean, I won't be able to use the excuse "you did this to me!"
More hugs from all and they were off. I watched them leave the driveway and smiled. The last several weeks have been a whirlwind and I wouldn't change them for the world.
I told Jacob after they left that whether he likes it or not, we are going to become one big family and it is going to be perfect and beautiful. Jacob gets over family time quickly so I was interested to hear his response. He simply said "I know." The fact he didn't argue or roll his eyes or anything else is huge. He is okay with all of this because it makes me happy!
I can't wait until the next time we all get to squeeze each other again!
B/P came over to visit along with P's sweet parents. When B walked in the door, we just hugged. The hug lingered but could've lasted for ever. We cried and kept hugging. It just felt right. We are meant to be here together, right now, for this purpose. Once B and I released, I got the best hugs from P and his parents as well. Everyone came in, saw the children, we did a little small talk and then settled in in our living room.
The room we NEVER use and that Jacob wants to turn into something "useful." To me, the formal living room is a place of peace that I want to keep. It was so fitting for us all to sit in there and just chat. We talked about a multitude of subjects, some easy, some not so easy. Nobody has had a flawless go at life, but we make the best of it. I learned about B's grandmother and the cookies she used to make. I learned about P's biological father and step father, his siblings. P's father told us about his careers and how he grew up in a small town like me. P's mom spoke about her career, their home, and the fact they are figuring out their next steps. Everyone was just lovely.
I spoke about my family. My children interrupted - at least this was a taste of what they are in for! Meade even slammed her fingers in the door after we constantly told her to leave the door alone. Jacob had to take her out of the room screaming - hopefully she learned a lesson this time! We even got to hear that B/P are considering moving back to the Richmond area. Well, that is awesome! I tried not to show too much excitement, but this made my heart soar.
Before they left, B and I had to get a picture! Do you see that sliver of light between me and B? That my friends is progress! Yeah, she is skinny but even when I hug skinny people, my belly still doesn't allow for any slice of air between us. Now, it does!! That is the first thing I noticed in the picture and it still makes me smile! As we were wrapping up the conversations, which were never dull, I stepped out of the room as we were dispersing. When I walked back in P's mom was asking about the pregnancies I have had and the fact she knows that it will be difficult on him, too. She has no idea. My pregnancies are never ideal, but I think this will be different and I will make sure I am not too hard on Jacob - I mean, I won't be able to use the excuse "you did this to me!"
More hugs from all and they were off. I watched them leave the driveway and smiled. The last several weeks have been a whirlwind and I wouldn't change them for the world.
I told Jacob after they left that whether he likes it or not, we are going to become one big family and it is going to be perfect and beautiful. Jacob gets over family time quickly so I was interested to hear his response. He simply said "I know." The fact he didn't argue or roll his eyes or anything else is huge. He is okay with all of this because it makes me happy!
I can't wait until the next time we all get to squeeze each other again!
Friday, October 4, 2019
refresh
What a week it has been. Meade came home with a fever early on Tuesday. Since then, I have been juggling my work calendar and the help of the others around us. It truly takes a village. Thanks to Jacob's mom, my aunt, and my parents, I have not had to take of a second from work the first three days of her being home. I am also really, really blessed to have a job that allows me the flexibility to work from home in these situations and the people I engage with understand if there is a little one in the background or if I go MIA for a few minutes.
All of this said, I didn't want to take advantage of anyone. Everyone has been so willing to help but sometimes we have to take a step back and help ourselves. When I knew Meade would not be able to go to daycare again today, I asked Jacob if we could tag team it. I also asked my boss if she would be willing to let me take some last minute PTO. Thankfully, both agreed.
I rearranged my calendar at work today so that all my meetings were in the afternoon or pushed out to next week. The last thing I want is for my amazing manager, who frequently says "family first" to think that I was continually working from home with a little one around that needed my attention. Jacob will be home this afternoon, taking the afternoon shift. And, those that have been so gracious to help wouldn't have to be bothered.
This morning's refresh has been exactly what I needed. I started the day at the gym even though I didn't really want to go - in fact it took all I had to get out of bed and walk through those doors. I only did one mile, but just needed a mental break after being up much of the last two nights with Meade. I sat in the sauna for a little bit to try and relax. It did help even though I was frustrated that I only got one mile in. I've got a mileage goal this month and doing one mile a day will not get me there!
I came home to bake cookies for dear friends and figure out what else needed to be done around the house. I got Jacob off to work with Gregory heading to school. Meade got up before 7, but was pretty content on her own. I cleaned up a little and didn't even think about work. I checked emails a couple of times but it was nice to know that if anyone needed me directly they could call.
Knowing that I still had a few hours to myself, I finished up a package to send out and had to get it to the post office to arrive at its destination in time. I am pretty impatient, but had to wait for those darned cookies to cool off before I could seal them up in the box to be sent. I had no idea what to do but knew I couldn't just sit around.
So, I figured Meade and I could both use some sunshine. I put the stroller in the car, left the bag of cookies open, as well as the box, and loaded that, too. We parked at our gym and took a two mile walk through the new neighborhood down the street. It was so nice to just relax a little bit and think of a dear friend of mine since high school/college/thereafter that lost his mother yesterday. Literally, one of the most kind ladies I had ever met and she was always the same person. I just adored her. I thought of Momma Nance a lot on my walk and while I am pretty sad, I know my friend, his wife, and their precious child due in a few weeks will be okay as they have the most beautiful angel watching over them.
After our walk, we headed to the post office and are now back home. I have showered, cleaned up some more and started laundry. I am blessed, so blessed. I am so lucky to have all of those I love that make up my village and support me in everything I do. I am so thankful to have pretty healthy children, despite the virus/infection here and there. We are so grateful to have kids that sleep through the night, every night, except in instances of sickness. Boy am I tired, but I am more than blessed.
I have to start my work day in a little bit, but this is a glimpse into my crazy, beautiful world.
When I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around." - Willie Nelson
All of this said, I didn't want to take advantage of anyone. Everyone has been so willing to help but sometimes we have to take a step back and help ourselves. When I knew Meade would not be able to go to daycare again today, I asked Jacob if we could tag team it. I also asked my boss if she would be willing to let me take some last minute PTO. Thankfully, both agreed.
I rearranged my calendar at work today so that all my meetings were in the afternoon or pushed out to next week. The last thing I want is for my amazing manager, who frequently says "family first" to think that I was continually working from home with a little one around that needed my attention. Jacob will be home this afternoon, taking the afternoon shift. And, those that have been so gracious to help wouldn't have to be bothered.
This morning's refresh has been exactly what I needed. I started the day at the gym even though I didn't really want to go - in fact it took all I had to get out of bed and walk through those doors. I only did one mile, but just needed a mental break after being up much of the last two nights with Meade. I sat in the sauna for a little bit to try and relax. It did help even though I was frustrated that I only got one mile in. I've got a mileage goal this month and doing one mile a day will not get me there!
I came home to bake cookies for dear friends and figure out what else needed to be done around the house. I got Jacob off to work with Gregory heading to school. Meade got up before 7, but was pretty content on her own. I cleaned up a little and didn't even think about work. I checked emails a couple of times but it was nice to know that if anyone needed me directly they could call.
Knowing that I still had a few hours to myself, I finished up a package to send out and had to get it to the post office to arrive at its destination in time. I am pretty impatient, but had to wait for those darned cookies to cool off before I could seal them up in the box to be sent. I had no idea what to do but knew I couldn't just sit around.
So, I figured Meade and I could both use some sunshine. I put the stroller in the car, left the bag of cookies open, as well as the box, and loaded that, too. We parked at our gym and took a two mile walk through the new neighborhood down the street. It was so nice to just relax a little bit and think of a dear friend of mine since high school/college/thereafter that lost his mother yesterday. Literally, one of the most kind ladies I had ever met and she was always the same person. I just adored her. I thought of Momma Nance a lot on my walk and while I am pretty sad, I know my friend, his wife, and their precious child due in a few weeks will be okay as they have the most beautiful angel watching over them.
After our walk, we headed to the post office and are now back home. I have showered, cleaned up some more and started laundry. I am blessed, so blessed. I am so lucky to have all of those I love that make up my village and support me in everything I do. I am so thankful to have pretty healthy children, despite the virus/infection here and there. We are so grateful to have kids that sleep through the night, every night, except in instances of sickness. Boy am I tired, but I am more than blessed.
I have to start my work day in a little bit, but this is a glimpse into my crazy, beautiful world.
When I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around." - Willie Nelson
Wednesday, October 2, 2019
continued focus
Well, we are about six weeks into this journey. It seems like a lifetime, but when I put it into perspective, this is still very, very new. In those six weeks, I have dropped an extra 15 pounds and more importantly, learned a lot. I have been working mentally to ensure I am strong enough for all of this. I know I am, but know it will be a long road.
I often have to take a step back and stop letting this consume me. I think of the journey and the baby all day long, but more importantly, I think about how this may impact others and inspire them to also think out of the box and do something kind.
I believe that B/P will be in town this weekend and are stopping by for a visit. I cannot wait to hug them and just be together! B helps to motivate me daily with my exercise and has such a positive attitude! God put us here, together, now, for a reason. It may not have been anyone's ideal timeline, but this was meant to be and I am thankful to be a part of it.
I saw this today and found it fitting:
KINDNESS - Loaning someone your strength instead of reminding them of their weakness. Think about that for a minute.
I often have to take a step back and stop letting this consume me. I think of the journey and the baby all day long, but more importantly, I think about how this may impact others and inspire them to also think out of the box and do something kind.
I believe that B/P will be in town this weekend and are stopping by for a visit. I cannot wait to hug them and just be together! B helps to motivate me daily with my exercise and has such a positive attitude! God put us here, together, now, for a reason. It may not have been anyone's ideal timeline, but this was meant to be and I am thankful to be a part of it.
I saw this today and found it fitting:
KINDNESS - Loaning someone your strength instead of reminding them of their weakness. Think about that for a minute.
Tuesday, October 1, 2019
baby dreaming
When B and I spoke a week or so ago, we shared some similar experiences. She mentioned that she has been having sweet baby dreams for a while now and that brought tears to my eyes. God is preparing us all for this.
On the other hand, I had a dream a few weeks ago in which I woke up so very upset. I was pregnant in the dream. When I mentioned it to Jacob he basically said, isn't this what the end goal is? To which I replied, NO, the baby is yours! Oh man, even though I have an IUD, I had this awful dream where I was pregnant with another baby for our family. This is definitely not what we want nor need. I am DONE. D.O.N.E. Done.
It is funny how our minds work and I remember my parents telling me long ago that if we have a bad dream and you don't want it to come true, you need to share it with others. Well, I have been sharing this with everyone that is clued in about the journey we are on with B/P. The only time I want to be pregnant again is in this process for B/P. While I would love to have a slue of kids, I don't have the patience for another nor do we have the financial means to afford another.
All of these feelings continue to solidify why I am in it to win it. I can't wait to be able to give the gift of life and not have the lack of sleep for several months after nor the attitude as the child ages. However, I can see the baby and child grow up from afar and love them just the same!
On the other hand, I had a dream a few weeks ago in which I woke up so very upset. I was pregnant in the dream. When I mentioned it to Jacob he basically said, isn't this what the end goal is? To which I replied, NO, the baby is yours! Oh man, even though I have an IUD, I had this awful dream where I was pregnant with another baby for our family. This is definitely not what we want nor need. I am DONE. D.O.N.E. Done.
It is funny how our minds work and I remember my parents telling me long ago that if we have a bad dream and you don't want it to come true, you need to share it with others. Well, I have been sharing this with everyone that is clued in about the journey we are on with B/P. The only time I want to be pregnant again is in this process for B/P. While I would love to have a slue of kids, I don't have the patience for another nor do we have the financial means to afford another.
All of these feelings continue to solidify why I am in it to win it. I can't wait to be able to give the gift of life and not have the lack of sleep for several months after nor the attitude as the child ages. However, I can see the baby and child grow up from afar and love them just the same!
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