hallmark holidays

It is Father's Day.  The same with Mother's Day this year, my first thought was Phillip and Bethany.  Just like I did in May, I sent Phillip a text message first thing, before Jacob was even away to recognize him. Next year is their year!  Next year I cannot wait to finally allow them to celebrate these ridiculous Hallmark holidays with a sweet wee one.  I can't wait to scream Happy FUCKING Day to YOU in 2021!  These days must be excruciating for them for all that they have endured.  Frankly, I can't imagine.  I am not big on these holiday's myself, but I am sure they would be so much bigger (positive and negative) if we had difficulty becoming parents.

injecting hope

I am so excited to write that I gave myself the first injection of Lupron this morning!!  While I was nervous, there was no pain, a little bit of itching, and no side effects just yet.  Easy peasy (I dread the progresterone shots later)!  I put a feeler out on a facebook group to ask what known side effects some had experienced.  Most said headaches, hot flashes, and night sweats.  So far so good!  Who knows what the next minute or next week will bring, but I am ready to take it on!

Jacob and I also went this morning to re-do our infectious disease bloodwork.  You know, if we were to have an STD or some disease that could be passed to the baby, that would be problematic.  Everyone asks why Jacob, too?  Well, the clinic "assumes" we are having sex, so those types of diseases that are being screened for could be transferred to me.  We got this lab work done back in December, but apparently they have to have a new screen on file every six months and since transfer will be in 7 months, we had to get it done again.  While unnecessary, although I understand it, it is another way for the clinic to gouge Bethany and Phillip on top of the extreme expenses they have already incurred.

I hope to be able to write that I have no side effects from the Lupron, but we shall see!  Don't judge my ugly belly - just keep in mind it used to be MUCH larger!

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relinquishing expectations

The further along we get, I am trying to get my mind in the right spot so that there is nothing within my control that may create issue.

First, Jacob and I are thinking about putting the kids back in daycare.  10+ weeks in, this shit is stressful.  For the first 6 weeks, Jacob was home with the kids.  Now, I am trying to do it solo while still putting in approximately 50 hours each week for work.  It is miserable and I feel as though I cannot be a really good employee nor a really good parent during all of this.  The stress alone opens opportunity for failed conception.  If I can alleviate the majority of the stress in my life, it will put us in the best position possible for a positive result, easier pregnancy, and healthy baby.

Second, I am strengthening my faith.  God has helped me tremendously throughout life, even moreso throughout this journey.  Yet, as the recent struggles have come into play, I have not leaned on Him as much as I should have.  I am actively working on restoring my relationship with him so that when I may not understand, I do not lose hope.

Third, I am keeping up the exercise.  Each morning, I leave around 430am and walk five miles before work.  I want to keep this up as long as I am able as it gets my blood flowing, my head in a good space, and overall ready for the day.  I am also trying to not give up on weekend exercise.  Even if it isn't five miles a day, any walk is good.

Lastly, and probably most important, I am getting my head around the process thus far and while I have the greatest of expectations, those need to be left at the door.  Expectations here, to me, are unnecessary and may create additional heartache.  In my own pregnancies, I went in without expectation and I am pleased that I did, as I was not disappointed at the end of the day.  While I will not expect any given outcome or result from a test/procedure/etc., my faith and hope has exponentially grown.  So, don't think that because I give up expectations I am not still fully committed.  I am more positive than ever but don't want to be let down.  I will not be allow myself to be discouraged, but will leave tough phases with understanding and enter new phases with renewed strength, hope, faith, and commitment.

Ultimately, we will have a baby.  The timing is not ours.  We aren't driving down the path.  We are on a roller coaster and with every dip and triumph, we will work through them and keep on trucking.  

diverting attention

I know that I have been quasi-aloof in this process this go-round.  Everything is crazy and continues to be, but I think it is good.  I have been obsessing over this journey and the pause has given me the ability to focus on my own family and my own work, which is such a challenge during this COVID time.  I am struggling, but too, I have not given much thought to the next steps here.

I looked at the calendar and realize that I am set to start injections June 18th!  I am more than ready, better than ever, and am determined to make this work.  I can't believe we are only a week away!  I am getting my head back in the game and oh so thankful for the "break" that I think gave each of us a little bit of downtime that while I definitely didn't want, God knew I needed!

challenging myself

For the past several months, I have struggled to lose anymore weight.  The last time I weighed in at SGF, at the end of January, which prompted the shared risk program approval, I was at 185.8.  I have hovered over 180 ever since - going from 188-177.  I am thankful that even if I were to go back up above 190, it doesn't matter, but my plan is to get in the healthiest stop possible so that there is less weight gain to eventually lose after this baby gets here.

I saw a facebook post this weekend of another mom friend that had recently won a weight loss challenge.  Competition?  How do I sign up!?  I looked into it.  Running from today through July 31st, the person that loses the most pounds wins.  Everyone pays $10, weighs in each week to show progress, and winner takes all.  I asked if the win was done by pounds loss or percentage of body weight.  Back when I was pushing 300 pounds, I would have wanted it by pounds of course, but now that I am healthier I was hoping to hear that the winner was determined via percentage.  Regardless, this challenge crowns the winner with the biggest pound loss.  Who cares?!?  I can still win it!  

Here goes nothing!  Weighing in on a Monday is also awful - the weekends are always my worst eating habits with very little exercise.  I have to start somewhere right?  My goal would be to be at 165 for transfer, which gives me 2 months to lose 22 pounds.  This is really lofty, but if I could even get close to 170, I am extremely happy with that.  I also want Dr. Nair to see that I am continuing to work on everything despite reaching the BMI goal for the surrogacy.  

Let the games begin!

new dates!

To be honest, I have had the new timeline for over a week but everything has been so crazy, I haven't updated the blog.  Also, I have learned that nothing is promised in this world of infertility and I don't want to get my hopes up.  Last time around I was so damned excited and just knew we were on track, until COVID came along.  Drum roll please...the new date of transfer is July 20th.  

On another note, while I am not really losing weight, truly bouncing around from 180-185 on any given day, I have never been a wearer of shorts.  I have always hated them, my legs are so ugly!  Being out on the boat at my parents' made me realize that leggings are not conducive to fishing in the bay in the hot weather.  I took an old pair of sweatpants, cut them off, and looked super trashy, but it worked in a pickle.  I went ahead and ordered some shorts when I got home and grabbed some at goodwill.  The shorts that fit are the 14s!  Keep in mind a year and a half ago, I was in size 24 pants!  Now, with this progress, I have to just keep it going! 

corona coaster

Things have been a whirlwind as of late, for all reasons, not just figuring out the new timeline.  First, we got word that Maryland had opened up the elective medical procedures.  With that, we were hoping to hear something mid-April.  Of course, too soon, SGF decided that donor cycles would not begin yet.  With more waiting, we were told that they were going to start donor cycles and again waited on a timeline.  I have been checking in weekly with our nurse.  Frankly, I have been pretty selfish in getting the game going or asking if I can have a period.  Each time I ask about the period they say no, things will be back up and running shortly.  What is shortly to them does not seem to be shortly to me!

Finally, when we had not received a timeline after a couple of weeks of being told they were scheduling donor cycles, I again reached out.  When the nurse responded, we were quoted with this information from the donor's nurse:  ""Her normal office is closed due to COVID concerns. She lives almost 2 hours from the next nearest office.  We're going to wait a little to plan dates to see when her office re opens up for monitoring.  I'll keep you posted on dates but we're probably looking at late June or July for cycle, depending on when the office opens back up."

I was fuming at this.  I had written a scathing email, shown below.  This was a huge test for me.  Instead of sending the email and being a complete (but as I feel justified) bitch, I called her instead.  I left her a voicemail in the calmest voice I could asking if she could call me back.  She did call back but between the kids and everything else I never returned her call because I needed to calm down a bit.  Poor Bethany was on the receiving this email that I had wanted so badly to send:

Thanks, Kim – I really appreciate the transparency.

I have to pay devil’s advocate a little bit here.  Isn’t the donor getting paid?  Haven’t the IPs paid a lot of money to get this done to which SGF is basically making interest on (probably not in the state of the economy, but IPs are potentially paying interest on that money)?  I live 3+ hours away from the Rockville location.  Why is it that the donor can’t be told when to start just like the IPs/GCs have no choice in scheduling?

I know I am “shooting the messenger” here but I hope you’ll understand my perspective – this is going to be a long, crazy journey for me and my family and I am pretty sure that the donor is only affected for a fraction of that time.

Bethany, don’t kill me for writing this.  Just thought I’d ask to better understand where the priorities lie within SGF.

So, there's the big bitch in me, but at what point are the intended parents the priority?  They have already paid thousands and thousands to get this party started.  Bethany did let me know that the donor does have to be monitored quite often during their medication timeline so a two hour drive really would put her out.  This helped to make more sense to me, but at that point it is on SGF to get the closest office open.  

Yesterday, as I was depleted from trying to work at home solo with the two crazy kids, I felt like such a failure.  I can't be a decent mother and a decent employee at the same time (thank God that my boss is absolutely understanding and actually asks us to put our children first, knowing that I will be sure to put in the hours when I can).  Then, once the kids were in bed, I got back on the computer to get things done that had gone by the wayside all day long just to see a response from the nurse to my check in email from earlier in the week.  Just so you know, the nurse is typically very responsive.  The fact I had not heard back in a couple of days had me frustrated but I didn't have much time to think about it.  That response, however, did say that she wanted to return with positive news verses more ambiguous information.  Apparently the donor's nurse has provided our nurse with dates!  From what she said, the nurses are reviewing the plan and we should get a timeline today!  Just what I needed to be grounded after a really difficult day.

The best part of it all was that Bethany and I were able to check in with eachother last night, too.  We had a great conversation - thank goodness she is a therapist - because boy does she help me put everything into perspective and tries really hard to not let me feel like a failure.  Bethany and Phillip are going through some of their own struggles, too, and I have let them know on numerous occasions that if this process needs to be put on hold from their end, I am 100% supportive of any decisions that make the most sense for them.  At this point, though, we are full steam ahead and I could not be more reinvigorated to get back to focusing on my health and well being for a happy, healthy, pregnancy and a sweet baby!