relinquishing expectations

The further along we get, I am trying to get my mind in the right spot so that there is nothing within my control that may create issue.

First, Jacob and I are thinking about putting the kids back in daycare.  10+ weeks in, this shit is stressful.  For the first 6 weeks, Jacob was home with the kids.  Now, I am trying to do it solo while still putting in approximately 50 hours each week for work.  It is miserable and I feel as though I cannot be a really good employee nor a really good parent during all of this.  The stress alone opens opportunity for failed conception.  If I can alleviate the majority of the stress in my life, it will put us in the best position possible for a positive result, easier pregnancy, and healthy baby.

Second, I am strengthening my faith.  God has helped me tremendously throughout life, even moreso throughout this journey.  Yet, as the recent struggles have come into play, I have not leaned on Him as much as I should have.  I am actively working on restoring my relationship with him so that when I may not understand, I do not lose hope.

Third, I am keeping up the exercise.  Each morning, I leave around 430am and walk five miles before work.  I want to keep this up as long as I am able as it gets my blood flowing, my head in a good space, and overall ready for the day.  I am also trying to not give up on weekend exercise.  Even if it isn't five miles a day, any walk is good.

Lastly, and probably most important, I am getting my head around the process thus far and while I have the greatest of expectations, those need to be left at the door.  Expectations here, to me, are unnecessary and may create additional heartache.  In my own pregnancies, I went in without expectation and I am pleased that I did, as I was not disappointed at the end of the day.  While I will not expect any given outcome or result from a test/procedure/etc., my faith and hope has exponentially grown.  So, don't think that because I give up expectations I am not still fully committed.  I am more positive than ever but don't want to be let down.  I will not be allow myself to be discouraged, but will leave tough phases with understanding and enter new phases with renewed strength, hope, faith, and commitment.

Ultimately, we will have a baby.  The timing is not ours.  We aren't driving down the path.  We are on a roller coaster and with every dip and triumph, we will work through them and keep on trucking.