it's go time!

We got to Rockville more than an hour before we needed to be.  We stopped at Krispy Kreme and I grabbed a Diet Coke.  I called Kim just to see if she had any news on the embryo thaw.  I left her a message but told her that she didn't need to call me back.  I was just getting antsy!  I told Bethany and Phillip that I would be there super early if they wanted to get there and catch up beforehand.  I had forgotten that since the transfer was in the afternoon, Bethany had switched some of her clients to the morning.  

Mom, Dad and I just hung out.  I read, looked at my phone, just killed time.  I asked if we could go park at the SGF building at 1115 because I needed to go potty at that time to empty my bladder than then start drinking the sixteen ounces of water prior to the transfer.  We waited in the truck until Bethany and Phillip arrived and were able to talk for about 5 minutes and take a couple of pictures before I went upstairs to check in.  

As I checked in, I asked if I could meet Linda, the nurse manager.  I had brought cookies for her and her team as well as some for Dr. Nair.  As I waited in the beautiful waiting area, another sweet lady was very emotional.  We chatted a bit.  This was also her second transfer.  She was from London and it took quite a few days to travel here for the transfer - the previous transfer was done in England.  She and her husband have not been able to have children and this is another try for them.  I am not sure why she came this far, but she and I wished each other success before I was called back.  Her appointment was 15 minutes after mine.

The same lady that called me back in July did so again today.  She runs a tight ship back there getting women ready for transfers!  I had no idea how nervous I was.  I was saying the wrong things, I dropped my drivers license, instead of asking again for Linda, I asked for Gail (I was a mess to say the least).  She took me to my room and didn't tell me to do anything so I wanted to be prepared so got undressed from the waist down only be told that she didn't want me undressed yet - oops.  No worries, she said.  All of a sudden, Gail knocked on the door and I felt so stupid.  Even though Gail had helped me over the phone at some point, I really wanted to meet Linda.  Gail said she would take the cookies down to the team.

I was surprised with another knock at the door that wasn't Dr. Nair just yet.  It was Linda.  She had tears in her eyes and offered me a hug from a distance.  She said that the note and cookies were a testament to why she does what she does everyday.  It was so nice to see her in person and I am glad that I took thirty seconds to recognize Linda and her team.

Not long after, Dr. Nair came in.  The first thing she said was "I am not supposed to hug, but..." and we had an emotional embrace.  She told me how sorry she was about last time - all water under the bridge.  I tried to help her realize that everything was okay and we are very excited for this next big step.  

We got Bethany and Phillip (and my parents) on FaceTime.  The first thing was to be told that the first embryo thawed was healthy and would be transferred!  Woohoo!  They still have another embryo frozen if it is needed.  I signed that paper and the embryologist was called in to bring the embryo in the catheter.  

Dr. Nair placed the catheter, the tech had the external ultrasound going, and everyone was still watching.  Dr. Nair pushed through a little bit of saline.  I never felt anything other than the speculum insertion.  Really, people have no idea how easy the procedure really is.  Once the embryologist showed up with the embryo, Dr. Nair told us that she wasn't getting a very clear picture so we may not be able to see the transfer as well as we did last time.  I didn't care.  I didn't really feel like I could see it that well before.  Little did I know how cool this was going to be.  

I switched the facetime so that B/P, Mom and Dad could see the ultrasound screen where the catheter was identified.  Dr. Nair said we would hopefully see something shoot out in a few seconds.  It was so crazy and clear.  I didn't notice it at all last time.  I couldn't wait for it all to be over so that I could get a video of it to share.  Dr. Nair then called the embryologist to take back the catheter and ensure that the embryo no longer remained.  Success!

Only time will tell from here!

a daring ride

As we are on the ride to Rockville, I brought a couple of books with me.  I am in the backseat of my dad's truck and boy is it comfy!  If my mind wasn't going a mile a minute, I would try to take a nap.  I pulled out what I am reading for a book club at work - Dare to Lead by Brene Brown.  Boy is this lady pretty cool.  I wish we could be friends.  

I am behind reading - the chapter I am working on now was discussed yesterday but I was on PTO, so I gave myself some leeway.  I am so glad I did.  While still on a high from that impactful note from Gigi, I started reading about vulnerability.  So much of is resonated with me today and each day of this journey so far.  And, back to my earlier post, I am not invincible.  However, to succeed, I must be vulnerable.  That is okay.  It is hard, but will provide exponentially more rewards should I remain stagnant.  

In one section, this took my breath away:  

"If we are brave enough, often enough, we will fail.  Daring is not saying I am willing to risk failure.  Daring is saying I know I will eventually fail and I am still ALL IN.  I've never met a brave person who hasn't known disappointment, failure, even heartbreak...it is about having the COURAGE to SHOW UP when you can't control the outcome."

Well, my friends, this is it.  This says it all.  While I have limitless hope in my heart and the courage to be on this journey, everything is uncertain.  I did fail last time, yet I remain devoted to this.  So much of this has been a roller coaster with heartache and loops that we didn't know existed.  We have shared disappointment beyond belief.  All of this is to say that we are stronger than those things.  Those hard times will prepare us for the better times.  We keep putting one foot in front of the other, keeping the end goal in sight.  If we weren't vulnerable here, right now, where else would we be?  

I imagine we would be comfortable in our own lives wondering about what may have been.

early emotions

Sleep was a little elusive last night.  It was okay, though.  I got up around 330 instead of my normal 4am alarm to start the day, thinking that maybe I could get a longer walk in.  Prior to us leaving, I was planning on going to a friend’s house, that is a podiatrist to check out my feet – there are always issues now that I am walking a good bit.  At this point, I have a callus on my left heel that isn’t that bothersome and I also have what I believe to be a plantar wart in between my pinky toe and the next on my right foot.  This one is a pain! 

I ventured out about 25 minutes earlier than normal to walk.  I had four miles done before I met my friend Kristi to walk with her at 5 (which is my typical routine).  I completed another 3 miles with her, making it 7 today!  I am glad for that because I really should not be walking that much for the next few days once transfer is complete.  Next week I can resume, but I need to be taking it easy over the weekend.  I got rained on a little, but it was perfect.  My walks are my time with God until I meet Kristi.  I pray and pray during those first couple of miles and have candid conversations with God.  Once Kristi comes out, I have my morning therapy session – or at least I joke that Kristi
is my therapist.  Kristi brings such a different perspective to almost every situation, she is well grounded, and frankly she doesn’t judge.  It is the best of all worlds and such an awesome friend to me. 

As I often do, I grabbed the mail from the day before at the end of the walk.  Per the norm, most of it is junk mail, but there was a greeting card from one of my friends that has literally been there since we were probably four or five.  We’ve grown in different directions over the years but welcome time together when we don’t skip a beat and still enjoy each others’ company.  It is really beautiful.  Our parents have been great friends for years and years and then in our younger childhood, they moved almost across the street from us.  In my head, I thought, wow – Gigi is on top of it!  She is sending out Thanksgiving cards this year instead of Christmas cards and she is totally ahead of time!  I opened the card excited to see pictures of her beautiful family. 

There were no pictures.  Just a folded sheet of light green card stock.  In her handwriting, it simply said “Hi!” on the front.  This is interesting, I thought.  Then, I opened the card and went on to read the most beautiful note I have ever received.  Gigi put her heart on the line for no reason, just to tell me that she admires me for the person I am and that I inspire her.  I was blown away.  Through tears I read and re-read the note.  I lost it.  I was flabbergasted by the generous gesture that really means more in the world to me that most other things, especially more than anything material.  When my parents got up, I asked them to read it too – they also were dumbfounded.  I have placed this beautiful card in the book I am reading as my bookmark to be reminded often that I am doing the right things regardless of the challenges that will always lie ahead. 

I decided not to go see my friend, Julie, to get her opinion on my feet.  I felt that it was more important to not be rushed and try to relax a little bit before hitting the road.  I continued to revel in the amazing words within Gigi’s note and when I got in the backseat of my dad’s truck (yes, I am 37 and my parents are taking me to this appointment – their support is endless), I texted Gigi to let her know how much the card meant to me and the timing couldn’t have been any better.  She responded to say that she has always been inspired by me and offered her thoughts and prayers for today.  I am getting choked up again thinking about it all.  What did I do to deserve such a wonderful life?  I don’t know, but I won’t ever stop trying to do the right things to satisfy my own heart and instill the right morals in my children.

invincible

I am experiencing all of the emotions right now, most importantly trying to keep myself in check.  I am NOT invincible, which is what I felt after the last transfer.  I’ve never lost a pregnancy and won’t lose this one either.  It will go perfectly the whole time.  Now that I have experienced the miscarriage, I know all too well that this transfer could end in the same.  We never know but I have to go into this with a more open mind to failure than I had last time.  My hope overflows, but I have to be realistic, too.  I often remind myself that the data says that one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage.  Well, this will be my fourth pregnancy and I’ve already had that one.  So, if the data speaks for itself we should be fine, right?  If only it worked like that!

The nerves are real.  It is hard to explain.  The procedure is easy – I have no reservations about that.  I really have no reservations for anything to come, I just hate uncertainty.  The next several months will be a lot of that and I am preparing myself for it.  It is hard, but I have to embrace it!  My family realized my nervousness when I couldn’t stop pooting.  Remembering back to plays in high school, I will never forget that anytime before a production, I would get bad gas due to nerves.  So here we are!  I hope that I sleep well tonight, get a good walk in tomorrow, and everything goes smoothly tomorrow – Friday the 13^th!

transfer plans

I got pretty nervous today.  I was waiting to hear from Kim with our appointment time for Friday and she called but I was on a call for work so could not take it.  Then, I got an email from her asking for my weight as transfer could not be scheduled until that was in the system.  The last weigh in they had in my chart was from June.  Well, I was a nervous wreck.  Do I tell them the truth or tell them that I am at 190 – where I needed to be for the shared risk program?  Frankly, I am at 192, but will be at 190 by Friday.  I was hesitant o return anything on email to ensure there was no paper trail and called Kim and left her a message.

Toward the end of the workday, she returned my call and explained to me that the weight is only to schedule the transfer and to know where I was in case there needed to be any emergency surgery or anything. I told her where I was and I am not sure what she told the scheduler, but while we were on the phone, she gave me the time of 1215.  I need to be there at 1145.  Same routine as last time – empty my bladder an hour before my appointment and drink 16 ounces of water before the time so that the bladder is filled to the right capacity during the transfer.

It is always so wonderful to talk to Kim – I just adore her.  We already set my bloodwork appointment for November 25^th and she was quick to say that we should have something to be extra thankful for as we are with our families for Thanksgiving the following day.  I hope she is right!  I am so excited!

anniversary shot

Not the shots that I used to celebrate with, but I did take my first progesterone to the bum this morning.  Today is also Phillip and Bethany's 6th wedding anniversary.  I joked that I took a shot to the bottom to celebrate them.  Six years ago, Jacob and I decided not to go to their wedding because I was newly pregnant with Gregory and feeling like hell.  We had not yet shared this news with anyone so it made sense to stay at home, keeping my misery away from their special day.  

Here's to 12 more weeks of this shot that I will gladly take with hope and gratitude! 

10.28

I had more bloodwork and an ultrasound today to check the thickness of my uterine lining.  I am still exhausted from all of the funeral stuff, but I received wonderful news!  My uterine wall came in at a whopping 10.28mm!  This is amazing.  I believe they want it to be above 8mm and I well surpassed that.  Kim called later this afternoon to let me know that my bloodwork is beautiful as well.  

All of this is to say that transfer is still scheduled for next Friday, the 13th in Rockville, MD.  I will begin my progesterone shots Sunday (and every three days thereafter) and the progesterone vaginal inserts Monday.  We are on our way!!!