painting some more

Today, I decided that I would try to paint my toes.  Yes, I am an idiot.  The last time I did this, it was before the shower and it went so well that I haven't needed to do a refresh just yet.  Even though Bethany and Phillip's dear friends got me a gift certificate to get my toes done, it is easier just to do it on my own verses find the time to step away and have someone else do it.  I figure I would save that for when I am on leave of absence from work, allowing myself to be pampered a little.

The difference between my personal pregnancies is night and day to now.  When carrying Gregory and Meade, at about 7 months, I could barely put my own socks on anymore and Jacob typically did it for me.  Here I am almost 9 months pregnant taking on the task of doing my toe nails.  I'm crazy.  I will say it was not as difficult as I expected.  I had to take several breaks - especially in getting the old paint off.  No wonder why it still looked pretty good - that stuff was a bear to remove!  

As I look at my toes now, they are pretty and the job is done.  There is a lot of residual paint all around the toes, but that will get taken care of in the shower.  What an accomplishment!  Woohoo!

therapy #2

I had another good session with Linda today.  I think it was obvious to her that I am doing better and figuring my difficult stuff out for now (much of which resolved on its own) and she was really respectful as not to dig deeper.  I told her that eventually, maybe we can look at other ways for me to evaluate my past and grow from it just to have more stability as I head into the future.  The fact that I am open to it is huge!  

We scheduled another session a couple of weeks out.  Just in case, I want to keep her around (ugh, that sounds awful).  God forbid I do not do well after delivery and it will be good to have her here as a resource to help me with the next part of this journey.

delivery dream

I had the strangest dream last night.  It literally confused me when I woke up.  I was in the delivery room, by myself.  I was with people I did not know.  Jacob was not in the picture.  It baffles me to write all of this.  When I figured it all out, I was having a baby although the baby was mine this time.  However, I had signed paperwork (and in the dream I had no memory of it, yet I was shown it and it was in fact my signature) to give the baby up for adoption.  

I only had one child at home and was not capable of taking care of another, apparently.  It was so strange in that I was basically all alone - there was no family around - and the fact that I had resigned myself to giving the baby up without a fight despite no memory of making that decision.  The most important thing I remember is that I was just so tired, it was hard to do anything other than let everyone else take care of it all and me just close my eyes.

Everything about the experience was impersonal in nature, just so weird.  All I could think was that I was making the couple there so very happy so I found solace in that.  Of course, all of the questions that everyone asks me often that I can cut off at the pass (how can you give up your child, will it be weird that your DNA is elsewhere, etc.) were running through my head.  Again, it was just exhausting and I didn't seem to care about much.

While it was extremely strange, it put into perspective how wonderful this journey has been.  I am so thankful to have all that I have - my children, my family, the extended family, friends, the multitude of support from so many on top of a nice home, job, etc. I am so very blessed.  More than that, this journey has allowed me to gain family via Bethany and Phillip and also just see the world differently.  I am so happy I woke up to realize what the real situation is and how lucky I am to be in this situation!

ready?

I feel as though I have been saying for a few weeks that I am ready.  Well, let me tell you, I can say it all day long but I am not.  I am ready for the discomfort to go away and for life to return to normal, but I am not ready to go through what it takes to get there just yet.  This morning, as I walked three miles by myself, I was having contractions.  Totally normal and this has been happening often during my walks.  Today was a little different.  Usually, my friend Kristi is with me and our conversation diverts my attention from the braxton hicks contractions.  Additionally, this time around my back was playing along and hurting pretty bad.  None of the contractions were consistent or for a long period of time.  They were almost constant and quick. 

For the most part, I didn't think I was going into labor, but the back pain was alarming me.  All of the braxton hicks up until this point haven't had any back issues associated, which is how I have been able to determine it was not real labor.  My mind raced the entire walk and I limited myself to a shorter walk.  

When I got home, I let Jacob know I was a little concerned but I would wait it out until I had my appointment later today, but that I was going to focus on preparing a little more than initially intended this early on.  In the shower, all back pain subsided and the contractions came less and less.  Prior to the appointment, the contractions had pretty much stopped and I was feeling well.  

After the morning routine and in between a couple of work meetings, I went upstairs and packed my hospital bag, just in case.  Frankly, it should have been done already.  Candidly, with both of our children, I never got a bag prepared in time and then I had to deal with whatever Jacob grabbed based on my recommendations.  He did just fine, but I figured it would save us the back and forth if we didn't have to do it during fire.  

Also, it came to mind, what will we do with the kids?  We can call Nana, but she is often pretty busy.  Of course we will call my parents but even if they jumped in the car at that moment, it would still take 1.5 hours for them to get here.  My aunt can probably jump in if necessary.  If we can get the kids home from school, we can always take them over to Kristi's to help until the next person could be on point to grab the kids and get the next part of the day's routine done.  I also need to work on creating notes so that people know what to pack for school, what the kids need to wear, what time is drop off/pick up and/or bus schedules on Wednesday.  Ah, so much to think about and I am NOT ready.  I repeat, I am not ready for this baby to come.  Plus, Bethany and Phillip aren't ready either.  They really need to get settled down for them after they move on the 16th before a baby comes into the mix.  

Our appointment with Dr. C went great!  Everything is on track.  Baby's heartbeat is good.  I gained more weight than I'd like to mention.  My belly growth is right on track.  My blood pressure is perfect.  She ended up getting the vaginal and anal swabs preemptively just in case so we know if I need to be on antibiotics for delivery.  To ease Bethany's mind, Dr. C also performed a vaginal exam just in case.  No dilation at the cervix at all.  She feels there is some thinning of the lining and the baby is right there and engaged.  This means nothing other than labor is not imminent today, most likely.  Bethany and I both asked several questions.  I am so thankful that Dr. C is so patient with us to answer everything and help us understand the protocol as things move forward quickly. Plus, Dr. C's assistant is just amazing.  Charity, she is so pleasant and literally makes everyone smile.  Bethany and I both wish we could bottle up her enthusiasm and zest for life and take it everywhere we go.  

A great day indeed, that started a little on edge.  Bethany and Phillip should have closed on their first home this afternoon, too!  Woohoo!  I selfishly cannot wait to have them so much closer!  

Now, time to get ready, just in case!

to jacob's surprise

Jacob and the children brought in a package this afternoon.  I had gotten into him a couple of weeks ago because he opened something from Amazon in front of the children, which happened to be a Santa gift (yes, I am crazy, but I am basically done with Christmas shopping).  His name is on all of the stuff coming from Amazon.  He told me he put a package in my chair.  Knowing I hadn't ordered anything, I was confused.  I went to take a look and noticed it wasn't from Amazon and will still addressed to him so I said that he needed to open it.  

Much to his surprise, it was a Justin Tucker Baltimore Ravens jersey.  To say this man was excited is a huge understatement.  Apparently, just the weekend before, Tucker had won the game for the team with a 60+ yard field goal.  (I could totally be wrong, I don't listen to all he says.)  Even though I had an inkling of where it came from, there was no message or anything with it.  He texted his brother and a few others asking if they had sent it - no dice.  

Behind the scenes, I sent a text to my cousin in Baltimore, Annie Rooney and asked her to reach out to Jacob letting him know he had something delivered today.  She did just that.  He was so excited to get the call from Rooney to say that she knows Jacob has been an integral part of this journey, even though his body is not in the  middle of it.  Therefore, he needs to be recognized, too.  It was so darned kind of her.

Earlier in the week, Rooney reached out to me to check in and see how things were, how far along, etc.  It was so nice of her and out of the blue.  My mom's cousins in Baltimore are extremely special to me and always have been - they have literally all always treated me kind of as a niece.  Jacob loves them just as much as I do - with the exception of the fact that they kiss on the lips all of the time, before COVID of course.  I made it known to Rooney that we needed nothing although my marriage may need a booster when all is said and done.  I told her that if she wanted to do something, make it all about Jacob.  She did not disappoint and I am not sure I can convey how happy Jacob was to get the jersey and the fact that he felt so darned special.  Win, win for all!!

Today, I have been feeling very sluggish and my body aches.  All to be expected, I cannot complain.  We did take the children over to my aunt and uncle's in Powhatan to say hi (it has been a while), see the chickens (there's only one left) and also go for a nature walk through the woods on their property.  It was a really nice time!  One thing I do love about the weekends is that I can tell the kids that I will do something, after a nap.  Laying on the couch downstairs proves to be amazing and the perfect spot for a quick snooze to re-energize me to play with the children.

I can't ask for much more than all I have in this crazy thing called life.  No day is easy, but everyday is an opportunity for growth and a means to find beauty in all that surrounds us.

value is power

It is no surprise that I have been having a difficult time emotionally.  I've dedicated myself to really work on that and change things in my control to be a healthier person for not just me but my family, too.  Something has started to click here lately and I am feeling better.  I can probably attribute it to many different things, but I think one of the most important is that I am beginning to feel valued at work again.

I started this new role at the beginning of August.  I am not sure if it took this long to prove myself or what, but I finally feel as if I am a contributor - not just a lump on a log in the wings.  The current person that I am supporting is extremely busy so I often wonder if she just didn't have the time to devote to my onboarding or if maybe she wasn't ready to start delegating anything to me.  Maybe she decided why would she waste time doing it now knowing that I would be going out on short term disability pretty soon?  There's no telling the catalyst to why I wasn't being used to my potential.

All that matters now is that I am being utilized as I was hired.  I am making an impact and helping to knock things off of the team's to do list, even it if it means that it may need to be refined with others down the road.  That doesn't matter.  Sometimes just having something on paper is an easier start than an overwhelming blank slate.

Had I not switched bosses just a few weeks into this role, I would have reached out sooner to the guy that hired me and asked what gives.  But, I was still trying to get a feel of the lady I support on top of the new leader to see what was going on and how I would integrate with the team.  My first 1/1 wasn't until almost three weeks in under the new boss and had I reached out to him initially, I was going to ask for release to start looking for a new job internally (we are supposed to satisfy a year in any given role).  I am glad I waited until that 1/1 a week or so ago to figure it all out in my mind.

My new leader was really receptive and while I didn't bash anyone, I did give some constructive feedback that can hopefully be helpful as other newbies join the team.  It is only fair to provide individuals with the materials and training they deserve to be successful verses twiddling thumbs on the sidelines.  I think that conversation also helped to set a great tone between me and my new boss, too.  I do feel as though I can reach out at anytime (not just during a scheduled 1/1) to voice concerns or talk through items that need to be brought to light.

All of this said, (I think) that my mood has drastically improved over the last week or so.  It is also a result of Jacob feeling better about himself, I am sure, and the fact that we aren't butting heads any time we are home together.  Sometimes we overlook how much our job really affects who we are and what we are going through.  I am so happy that I opted not to up my meds and give the counseling a go.  I don't think the counseling as made an impact yet - another session coming up this week - but I am trying to do it on my own verses relying on chemicals.  

Life is better when you feel valued - keep that in mind.  Don't forget to value those around you and make it be known, for no reason at all.

the most wonderful time of the year

I swear it is not just due to the fact that October is my birthday month, but October is by far my favorite.  Cool and crisp mornings return - I can begin wearing sweaters again plus outside exercise is bearable.  Weekends are inundated with football watching.  Normalcy has returned and routines of school are back in action. Nature is beaming with beauty.  Pumpkin picking and decorating is the norm.  Life just seems better as fall takes shape and October makes it happen.

Okay, yes, my birthday is in October, but I don't count that.  It is just another day among all of the greatness that this month brings.  The most special part about October of this year is what is to come.  Sometime in the next 29 days, Bethany and Phillip will be parents.  A beautiful little girl will be spoiled by grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, etc.  A dream that once seemed unattainable will be realized. My purpose in life over these last two years will be fulfilled.  

I had to take a small break from writing this because it got me all teary.  Look at all of the amazing we have to look forward to over the next several weeks.  So many cries, set backs, defeats, shots, pills, suppositories, times of heartache, procedures, lab tests, etc. will be forgotten because every one of them was overcome in an effort to be where we are right here, right now.  God put is here at this very moment, giving us perspective we probably never wanted to experience, but that we needed to be humbled as we move throughout life.  God is giving the most beautiful gift, at the perfect time - this October - for all of us to love and adore.  

Anne of Green Gables, one of my childhood favorites, says it best: