delivery dream

I had the strangest dream last night.  It literally confused me when I woke up.  I was in the delivery room, by myself.  I was with people I did not know.  Jacob was not in the picture.  It baffles me to write all of this.  When I figured it all out, I was having a baby although the baby was mine this time.  However, I had signed paperwork (and in the dream I had no memory of it, yet I was shown it and it was in fact my signature) to give the baby up for adoption.  

I only had one child at home and was not capable of taking care of another, apparently.  It was so strange in that I was basically all alone - there was no family around - and the fact that I had resigned myself to giving the baby up without a fight despite no memory of making that decision.  The most important thing I remember is that I was just so tired, it was hard to do anything other than let everyone else take care of it all and me just close my eyes.

Everything about the experience was impersonal in nature, just so weird.  All I could think was that I was making the couple there so very happy so I found solace in that.  Of course, all of the questions that everyone asks me often that I can cut off at the pass (how can you give up your child, will it be weird that your DNA is elsewhere, etc.) were running through my head.  Again, it was just exhausting and I didn't seem to care about much.

While it was extremely strange, it put into perspective how wonderful this journey has been.  I am so thankful to have all that I have - my children, my family, the extended family, friends, the multitude of support from so many on top of a nice home, job, etc. I am so very blessed.  More than that, this journey has allowed me to gain family via Bethany and Phillip and also just see the world differently.  I am so happy I woke up to realize what the real situation is and how lucky I am to be in this situation!