a lifetime of thanks

There's no other place I'd rather be right now.  I am with the perfect people, doing what we were meant to do in this life.  I know I have said it over and over, but the gratitude I have for everything in my life right now explodes out of me.  I could never be in this position without this journey helping me to figure it all out.

Thursday was beautiful.  Some of Jacob's family and some of my family came together for a great supper and time with one another.  The kids were so excited for cousin time and my aunts gave in and played many rounds of hungry, hungry hippo.  I still have the winning song in my head! 

Friday, Bethany and Phillip met us at the gym to work out.  It was really nice to be together and have quality time with one another that didn't involve food or drinks and we still were accomplishing part of what we set out to do.  We then headed home and continued to chat (as much as possible with the kids running around). 

Bethany asked me a question that I had never really considered.  She said, what if it doesn't work the first time?  The shared risk program allows up to six cycles.  Well, I haven't thought of it because the end result here is a baby.  We will do everything in our power to bring a baby home, if it means six cycles.  I am game.  I think that it will be really difficult, but we are committed and if we stopped after trying with no success, we aren't giving the process justice.  That said, Bethany was really sweet and through tears she said that if we were ever to change our minds, they would understand.  One thing about this entire path is that so often we reassure each other that there are many IFs throughout it all.  And should there ever be an IF of proceeding on either side, we will respect the others, no questions asked.  Takes me back to that first email I received from Christen, about IF something didn't work out or IF we changed our mind.  I think I have said this before, too, but it is no longer an IF, but a when.  Should when be further down the road that we hope, that is okay and God will surely be testing my patience, but it will be a test I will pass with flying colors!

WiW

Well, today is Weigh in Wednesday again.  I am so estatic that I have to share with the world that I lost another 4 pounds!  This brings me to 210 and 20 away from the transfer goal!  So emotional, so proud, so excited! 

Now, let's just hope that with the impending holiday, I don't manage to gain any back this coming week!

the ugly

So, this "journal" is about keeping it real, right?  That means the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I try to stay so very positive throughout everything but today was difficult.  In a good way.  Just beware, there is some TMI in here, so read at your own risk. ;)

I had prepped everything to a T for today's IUD removal.  I was going to take four motrin and half a xanax before I went in.  I got everything taken care of for work and was headed to the post office before my appointment.  I quickly remembered I didn't take the medicine and of course do not keep my xanax with me.  Whatever, I will get through it.  I did pop the four motrin.  In line at the post office, Jacob texted to say his school was on lock down for an active shooter (thank God that there was no shooter, but they had to treat it as such because it was called in to the police).  So, before even getting to my appointment, my nerves were shot.

Parking.  Ugh, parking at VCU is the worst, but I knew that before going in.  It took me 15 minutes just to get through the deck to find an open spot!  So, I literally walked into the clinic with 1 minute to spare and paperwork to do.  Dr. C's nurse was as sweet as she could be.  I had had my prior IUD removed, so it wasn't going to be a big deal, I'm a big girl!

Dr. C is the sweetest ever, I mean, I wish I could be her friend.  When she saw me she lit up like I had never seen.  She was so proud of my weight loss and is so invested in this journey with us!  Time for the procedure.  Of course, there will be pressure and cramping.  I took the deep breaths like she asked.  It hurt like hell, she was tugging, but to no avail.  She said she was taking a break, so I tried to relax for a second.  She asked the nurse for another tool.  Same story here, same result.  Lots of heavy breathing (or really none at all) until she asked the nurse for something else.  I quickly said is this a break?  Can I relax for a minute?  She laughed and apologized. 

We keep going with the new tool.  It hurts like hell and the damn thing is not budging.  Another tool we try.  Another attempt failed.  Shit, stop, oh, wait, shit, real shit.  I kind of jokingly said Dr. C, if I poot on you I am really sorry.  In my mind, I thought I was going to shit all over her, but didn't have the gumption to say that.  I think at that point she realized I didn't know if I could handle much more and said yes, the cramps are not just in the normal spots, but also in my bowels.  Of course if I poot that is fine and she giggled.  Yeah, well, there may be some substance lady and you are not in your scrubs today! 

So, she took a moments break and asked for another tool.  She said she was going to have to dilate my cervix a little bit to get it done.  Man oh man, that hurt worse.  Would the xanax have made me feel better, YES, I am such an idiot to have forgotten it.  So, she starts dilating and it hurts like a bitch.  She gets another tool and finally, finally, that little damn peice of plastic made its exit.  Shew, I could breath again.  We all laughed a little.  I thanked God I didn't shit all over the place.  Dr. C and I hugged and we went on our way.

I know in my heart there will be a lot more physical pain to endure, but I am up for that challenge.  Everything is going to be just fine!  I am glad I got a before picture, y'all.  The after was not as glamorous!  So, I am not sure exactly who this person is, but I am getting to know her, love her, and cherish her. 

"I think that pain gives us appreciation of joy - it's a package deal.  And I definitely think that the joys of life far outweigh the pain." ~ Frederick Lenz

a big day

Today is a big day.  I have an appointment with OBGYN to get my IUD removed.  I have not seen her since I had my annual appointment in August and asked her if surrogacy was something I could consider.  I am not sure she believed me when I asked her, but shit is getting real.  After my appointment in August, my doctor moved from the practice where I have been going to her for 10 years to VCU to also teach.  So, this will be a new facility - I am sure that parking will be lovely - but I do get to see Dr. C and meet her nurse that has helped me a few times over the phone.  I couldn't be more excited to get the ball rolling a little faster!

For the first time of this journey, it seems as though Dr. Nair's clinical coordinator is starting to drive things.  I feel like they believe we are in for the long haul, too.  The fact that she asked us when we wanted to do more testing is huge to me.  I have been driving all of the correspondence (and likely driving them nuts), but I suppose they can see that through the weight loss progress and my desire to get my ducks in a row, this is real. 

I had a little bit of a breakdown this morning.  A rush of emotions came over me while I was on the treadmill getting three miles in.  The tears wouldn't stop coming.  All of this is getting real.  My life has never been so perfect.  I have never had so much peace and gratitude in my heart.  I am thankful for all that have allowed me to share this journey and have given their support.  I honestly never knew life could be so wonderful.  It sounds so cliche, but it is true.  Finally, after letting the tears flow for a minute, I put my big girl pants back on, grabbed some extra water and got back to walking.  It felt good to have that cry, though.  It really reinforces my faith throughout all of this.  None of these words can do my heart justice.  There is nothing to describe what I am feeling, but it is right.

"You will never find peace of mind until you listen to your heart."  ~ George Michael

a hurdle tackled

When I thought the news about the VCU finances was the best news ever, little did I know that even better information would be received today. Because I am so persistent, I reached out to SGF to ask if Dr. Nair had the opportunity to review the HSG yet. 

Note, I am off work today so I came back to my phone after shampooing carpets to see that I had missed a call from Bethany and an amazing text! We finally got word from Shady Grove that regardless of my HSG test and the state of my fallopian tubes I am still a candidate for the shared risk program. There really couldn't be better news right now! Of course, the waiting was the worst. The not knowing. Questioning everything. Goodness - I have got to get better at that and just have more faith! 

That said, we are not out of the woods. There are still many other tests we must have in order to be ultimately determined a viable candidate for that program. That’s okay! One step at a time.
I had absolutely no idea that this news would bring me such joy and such emotion. I have called a few people who are aware of this just to inform them and let them know we are still in the game. The race continues and I continue to move forward with persistence and perseverance (I know Dr. Nair's clinical coordinator is so sick of me). 

 
Something else that was really awesome was that Dr. Nair's clinical coordinator asked me if I wanted to continue to get more testing done or if I wanted to lose more weight first. Just so you understand, I was told previously that no testing could be done until I was at or below 200 pounds and that the transfer cannot take place until 190 pounds. At my weigh in yesterday I am at 214. The fact that they are offering the option of doing some testing prior to the weight loss parameters I was given back in September is another huge win! 

Maybe it is possible that they would be willing to do the transfer before 190 pounds? We aren't going to broach that subject yet, but keep the game plan going strong. Everything remains to be seen and that is okay. At least I have to keep telling myself that because I’m in for the long-haul and no decision will be made in the immediate future. Dr. Nair did ask that I get my IUD removed and from there we will learn more about when the next testing can be done. I have scheduled an appointment with my OB/GYN for this coming Monday to get my IUD removed. We are on the right track and we will get this done!

What a wonderful day - many house things were accomplished, I walked a nature trail at home (West Point) that I literally have probably not stepped foot on in 25 years, I took my grandfather to lunch, had a great conversation about an event I helped with last week, and ended the day with my sweet Ms. Clare. Life doesn't get much better, but I know it will. As the bracelet says, we will "keep fucking going."

my worst enemy

My own mind is for sure my worst enemy!  I have known this for quite some time and as much as I work to overcome it, I am not sure the devil will ever leave completely.

Over the last few days a lot has been going on. I have been nervous to receive an answer from Shady Grove to see if I am still a candidate for the shared risk program due to my one fallopian tubes being closed. On the other hand I really really really loved the care and the care team at VCU. I spoke with the business manager at VCU and she walked me through all of the financial obligations of IVF there. When all was said and done frankly it is a little cheaper to go to VCU versus Shady Grove. I wrote it all up in an email sent it to Bethany and thought it was the best news ever.

When Bethany finally read it she sent me something back to say that due to financial issues which she didn’t want to get into over a text message, she would have to really think about it but she and Phillip do not think that VCU is a viable option. It was late at night and I tried not to stress. I had a million things running through my mind.

What if this is the end of the journey? What if they decide to go another route? What if I’m not good enough? I literally stewed all night long trying to figure out what was going on. I didn’t know what to think but in the back of my mind I still knew this was going to be okay. If for some reason they were ready to throw in the towel, because it is such a difficult process, how would my heart feel? I am so invested in this that I believe I would have to find another family to help. There are so many wonderful things coming out of all of this and I am not willing to let it go by the wayside should they not want to proceed.

On the other hand I was thinking maybe just maybe Shady Grove decided that they would reduce the costs or put in a good word for grants which would make it more make more sense to go with them. I had no idea. The next morning I went ahead and let Bethany know that I was really struggling to know what was going on. I’m the most fucking impatient person you will ever meet but what kills me more is not knowing.

Bethany was so kind and willing to chat with me early this morning to which she basically said that the financial decisions are all about the shared risk program. Even if at the end of the day VCU is a little bit cheaper, VCU does not have any type of shared risk program. So, if they spent $40,000 at VCU and something didn’t work out they would still be out $40,000. Whereas if they spent 50,000 was Shady Grove and something didn’t work out they would be able to receive$35,000 of that back.  Having that could be used toward adoption options.

This absolutely makes sense and it eased my mind so much. I get it and while Shady Grove has been somewhat difficult I understand the need to be there. I felt immediately better speaking to Bethany and just knowing where they were in this process. From day one we have both said that transparency and communication will be most important. I am so thankful that we are walking side-by-side and we are absolutely candid with one another. So after much struggling and stewing because my mind is my worst enemy - all is well.

We still wait word from Shady Grove to see if I can be a candidate for the shared risk program knowing about my closed fallopian tube. Again I can’t see why this would be a showstopper for shared risk because there’s no need for fallopian tubes when an embryo is implanted into the uterus. We shall see!

This journey is so difficult but I know at the end of the day it will be more than worth it. I just have to keep the faith and not read into things and allow Bethany and Philip to make the most informed decisions they can. I am along for the ride and trust that they will do what’s right and I will follow.

What happens if I don't qualify for shared risk?  Then that is a decision that Bethany and Philip will have to tackle when that decision is made known. At that point it is possible we could go through VCU you but I don’t care where we go. I want Bethany and Philip to have a baby. go to the moon, I’m willing to do it because I think it is right.

happiness

I feel like I could write about joy and contentment forever.  That said, I started writing a book earlier this year on kind leadership.  Well, that has taken a step back for this blog and this journey, but I did want to reflect on some of what I had already written.  Funny enough, an excerpt was even taken from an "autobiography" I wrote back in high school:

As a tenth grader, I understood the meaning of life, but didn’t get who has the ability to choose what really matters:

Above all things that I wish and hope for, I just want my life to be a success…I want to be happy in everything I do.  I want my life to be pleasurable which is something that I value also.  In whatever I may do, I just ask the Lord for happiness.        

One of the biggest controls we have on our own is the power to make decisions.  Our choices influence everything about us.  I learned long ago that my own personal contentment is a decision within.  Struggling with anxiety and depression for most of my adult life, I determined several years ago that my own happiness lies with my personal choice to be happy.  Of course, medicine can and has helped, but the mental struggles are much easier approached when I make the conscious effort to overcome regardless of what life throws my way.

Another thing that has truly changed my life for the better is working to be more mindful in everything I do.  It helps me stay calm when I want to scream and yell.  It helps me remember that the small things don't always matter.  Being mindful helps me to put things in perspective.  It helps me take a step back and think about the big picture, not always the bumps along the way.  It helps me create better and more meaningful relationships.  It helps me see the beauty around me even though I always seem to be in a rush. 

I have such a long way to go, but I have come pretty far over the last year or so.  For that, I am thankful.  Most importantly, I am happy.