my worst enemy

My own mind is for sure my worst enemy!  I have known this for quite some time and as much as I work to overcome it, I am not sure the devil will ever leave completely.

Over the last few days a lot has been going on. I have been nervous to receive an answer from Shady Grove to see if I am still a candidate for the shared risk program due to my one fallopian tubes being closed. On the other hand I really really really loved the care and the care team at VCU. I spoke with the business manager at VCU and she walked me through all of the financial obligations of IVF there. When all was said and done frankly it is a little cheaper to go to VCU versus Shady Grove. I wrote it all up in an email sent it to Bethany and thought it was the best news ever.

When Bethany finally read it she sent me something back to say that due to financial issues which she didn’t want to get into over a text message, she would have to really think about it but she and Phillip do not think that VCU is a viable option. It was late at night and I tried not to stress. I had a million things running through my mind.

What if this is the end of the journey? What if they decide to go another route? What if I’m not good enough? I literally stewed all night long trying to figure out what was going on. I didn’t know what to think but in the back of my mind I still knew this was going to be okay. If for some reason they were ready to throw in the towel, because it is such a difficult process, how would my heart feel? I am so invested in this that I believe I would have to find another family to help. There are so many wonderful things coming out of all of this and I am not willing to let it go by the wayside should they not want to proceed.

On the other hand I was thinking maybe just maybe Shady Grove decided that they would reduce the costs or put in a good word for grants which would make it more make more sense to go with them. I had no idea. The next morning I went ahead and let Bethany know that I was really struggling to know what was going on. I’m the most fucking impatient person you will ever meet but what kills me more is not knowing.

Bethany was so kind and willing to chat with me early this morning to which she basically said that the financial decisions are all about the shared risk program. Even if at the end of the day VCU is a little bit cheaper, VCU does not have any type of shared risk program. So, if they spent $40,000 at VCU and something didn’t work out they would still be out $40,000. Whereas if they spent 50,000 was Shady Grove and something didn’t work out they would be able to receive$35,000 of that back.  Having that could be used toward adoption options.

This absolutely makes sense and it eased my mind so much. I get it and while Shady Grove has been somewhat difficult I understand the need to be there. I felt immediately better speaking to Bethany and just knowing where they were in this process. From day one we have both said that transparency and communication will be most important. I am so thankful that we are walking side-by-side and we are absolutely candid with one another. So after much struggling and stewing because my mind is my worst enemy - all is well.

We still wait word from Shady Grove to see if I can be a candidate for the shared risk program knowing about my closed fallopian tube. Again I can’t see why this would be a showstopper for shared risk because there’s no need for fallopian tubes when an embryo is implanted into the uterus. We shall see!

This journey is so difficult but I know at the end of the day it will be more than worth it. I just have to keep the faith and not read into things and allow Bethany and Philip to make the most informed decisions they can. I am along for the ride and trust that they will do what’s right and I will follow.

What happens if I don't qualify for shared risk?  Then that is a decision that Bethany and Philip will have to tackle when that decision is made known. At that point it is possible we could go through VCU you but I don’t care where we go. I want Bethany and Philip to have a baby. go to the moon, I’m willing to do it because I think it is right.