bracing for another bad night

I thought I would take some time off of work and try to get some rest, but that didn’t happen.  I pushed through although I am not sure if anything I did made sense.  Thankfully, I work with a group of rockstars that chipped in as they knew I was not feeling well.  The day has actually gone pretty well.  However, yesterday did too – until it didn’t.  My parents have been here all day, helping to get the children off to school and just being here for me.  I asked them if they could figure out supper because I just didn’t have the energy.  We decided on Greek take out – amazing!  I connected with Kim several times.  She still didn’t understand why I had not heard anything from the financial coordinator.  Kim called again at 3 and said that she had just gotten off the phone with the coordinator and that I should be expecting a call.  That call never came.  I suppose if we didn’t hear anything today, there is no way I can get on the schedule for a D&C at SGF tomorrow.  There’s always Thursday, I suppose and if I have to, we will wait until Friday at VCU.

However, what did come was my aunt and a delicious supper that we all enjoyed followed by a few games of throwing dice.  All evening, I prepared myself for the pain and the exorbitant bleeding.  I am not sure if it was all of the distractions, but it never came.  Yes, there was bleeding and minor cramping but all that I could handle.  I am so thankful and hopefully I can get a good night’s rest tonight and hear about potentially scheduling for Thursday tomorrow. 

bloody mortifying

Last night, mom and I got to the ER and it was pretty packed.  I asked the lady at the front desk about how long of a wait because I could go to another ER if necessary.  I told her what was going on.  She immediately got me into triage, which I thought was a good sign.  After triage, we headed back out into the waiting room with the rest of Mechanicsville.  I was feeling worse and worse but I didn’t want to take anymore Motrin in case that might mess things up with the doctors. 

The sweetest lady called my name to get my blood and urine.  I told her under my breath that I needed a pad.  Dummy me, I thought that I would be back into a room by now and didn’t think at all about bringing extra of my own.  The phlebotomist, Joy (very fitting), gave me a urine cup and told me to go to the bathroom.  She would bring me a pad.  Well, before I could even pull my underwear down, I was dripping blood all through the bathroom.  It looked like a warzone.  I tried to pee in the cup but all I got was blood.  I’m sure that wouldn’t do any good.

I was so embarrassed when Joy came into the bathroom to offer me a pad.  Instead of giving me that and moving on, she stayed in the bathroom with me, took my bloody underpants and wrapped them up so she could put them in a bag and give them to my mom and brought me another pair of disposable briefs from the hospital.  I promised I would clean everything up and she said absolutely no way.  She would have someone come in and clean up for me.  I was so disgusted for whoever came in there to help clean.  I got up what I could with toilet water and toilet paper, but some of it had already dried.  It was so gross! 

Joy took my eight vials of blood and sent me back to the waiting room.  I am not sure how I had any blood left.  Honestly, though, I never once got dizzy or lightheaded.  I guess that was a plus.

Mom and I took our seats back in the waiting room.  Remember, I had a brand new pad in my underwear.  Within 30 minutes, I saw a wet spot on the TOP of my dress.  I had on a black dress so I couldn’t tell what it was.  I felt the liquid and realized it was blood by the color.  I checked my arm to see if the line she put in was bleeding out.  It wasn’t.  I pulled my dress up a little bit and realized that it was all in between my legs.  I looked at mom with absolute fear.  She immediately got up and said I needed another pad if they could please get me one.  Then, I happened to look at the floor in front of me.  Between my legs were two pools of blood.  There were splatters of blood on my ankles.  Oh my gosh, I started freaking out, as did my mom.  She returned to Joy and said that I needed to be seen NOW.  Joy came within minutes with a wheelchair.  I hadn’t cried until this moment.  People were watching.  When I got up to get in the wheelchair, I left a pool of blood on the seat in addition to what was on the floor.  I am not sure I have ever had a more embarrassing moment.  I cried and cried.

Finally, we were put into a room in the ED and the sweetest nurse was there to help.  I asked about just getting a D&C and she said she thought that was probably the best bet.  Then, the MD arrived.  He basically said that they don’t do that routinely and that he would just ask that I follow up with my OB in the morning.  WHAT?  Are you kidding me? I am freaking bleeding out here and you’re not going to do anything?  Apparently, my bloodwork came back fine.  He was willing to call the OB Hospitalist to get their opinion, but that means he would have to do a pelvic exam.  Okay, what do I care?  He pulled out a few more clots and said that my cervix was open a little less than the size of a dime.  I was starting to fall asleep and he finally came back saying I was being discharged.  The OB also said I just needed to follow up with my OB.  I just don’t get it.  I wanted it over with tonight!  Oh, but right before I left, they did give me two hydrocodone for the pain.  So nice of them!  I was a loopy mess when I got home!

Thankfully, it didn’t take me long to fall asleep, again on a towel to try to protect the bed.  Maybe today we will get some more help.

unbearable

The day hadn’t been so bad.  Maybe I had gotten through the worst of it last night?  I had a little bleeding and cramping during the day but nothing compared to last night!  Until it started all over again.  I was constantly in and out of the bathroom, going through 2 pads an hour in addition to the clots that were going straight into the toilet.  The cramping was rough, but I had taken Tylenol and Motrin to help with that.  I called mom into the bathroom to give her a glimpse of what was going on and she said that if this kept up she was taking me to the ER, no ifs ands or buts about it. 

Well, it didn’t ease up.  It got worse.  I felt so yucky – I told mom that I had to take a shower first.  In the shower, it was a repeat of the night before.  I called both her and Jacob in there so they could see what was going on and that I wasn’t making it up.  Thankfully, Jacob put our bathmat in the wash before we left for the ER.  I packed my bag, hoping I would stay overnight just to get a D&C and then be discharged.

there's more

I had the ultrasound with my not-so-favorite doctor this morning.  He stood behind the tech with his arms crossed and only spoke when I asked questions.  I had passed so much I asked if there was much more in there.  He said absolutely and that I needed a D&C.  I don’t know what it was but since last night was so tough and they said that there was a lot ore to pass, I lost it.  I cried and cried in that damn room when I was left alone.  I let myself have that moment, put my mask back on and went out to face the world and whatever was in front of me.

I would call my MD at VCU and see if they could get me in sooner.  I also talked to Kim briefly this morning.  I let her know I still hadn’t heard from the financial coordinator which was frustrating.  Kim showed she was also frustrated but would try to get her to reach out to me.  Based on what I had told her about last night, she suggested I should probably have gone to the ER and if it got that bad again, I needed to go.

I called my OB’s office and asked if we could just do the D&C on Wednesday verses the ultrasound tomorrow and then the D&C.  I told them it felt like it was just unnecessary billing to do a fourth ultrasound to determine there is no viable pregnancy just to get the procedure done.  I think I got through when I said that this was almost insurance fraud to me. 

A nurse called me back almost immediately and said I could probably get on the calendar today for an MVA – manual vacuum aspiration.  This is a less invasive procedure but does the same as the D&C.  Also, it is done in the office, not in the operating room, so it is a lot less expensive.  Best of both worlds – get it done today AND it is cheaper!  I am all in. However, I was not willing to do anything until I told Kim of the option to see if it was something we could consider.   I Immediately called Kim to ask if we could do this.  Being impatient me, I sent an email a couple hours later asking if she had more information.  She needed to hear more from the financial coordinator as well as from Dr. Nair as to if she was okay with it.

My parents were very worried about me.  They were going to come and stay a couple of days until we could get everything figured out.  This put my mind majorly at ease.  Just having them here will do me a world of good, plus they will help with the kids and house stuff, which I have been slacking on dealing with all of this.

Toward the end of the day, Kim let me know we could do the MVA.  Thank God!  I quickly called VCU to see if today was still an option.  It wasn’t.  Darn.  The soonest they could get me in was Friday.  I decided to take that slot verses staying on the calendar fro the ultrasound tomorrow and D&C Wednesday so I wouldn’t be down for so long and it would cost less.  Now, we just have to get to Friday!

social distracting

Bethany’s visit was perfect.  There were tears and smiles.  We are in a good place.  She brought me way too many gifts (bath bombs, at least those will get used in no time!), and I sent her hope with flowers and supper for her and Phillip.  It was wonderful to be able to hug her – we hadn’t seen each other since the transfer in July. 

Jacob had scheduled to have a family over to play.  Our friend, Lindsay, has been texting often to check in.  She and her husband have two children, too, a son Gregory’s age and a daughter Meade’s age.  It works out perfectly!  I let Jacob take care of the logistics as I am not good for much these days.  They came over around 11 and we had lunch ready for all of us.  It was such a lovely time.  We sat outside while the kids played, had lunch, and transitioned inside.  The kids played so well together, it was like there was no need for them to leave.  We joked about them staying for supper.  

While the adults were hanging out, I had to remove myself often to go to the potty.  The bleeding was getting pretty intense, but nothing I couldn’t handle.  I had to change shorts a couple of times due to leaking, but again, it was so nice to have the distraction of good friends and kids that were playing well together.  They ended up staying for supper and I am so thankful.  I am glad I was able to be distracted from what my body was going through for several hours that day.  I didn’t really realize how bad I was bleeding until after they left.  It was pretty bad.  I was getting large clots often and taking pictures to send to Bethany (she wants to experience what I am going through as much as possible).  I didn’t get them all, but I think I sent her pictures of at least 5 clots that were the size of the palm of my hand.  On top of the loss of blood, the cramping was pretty bad, too.  I took Motrin but it wasn’t cutting it.

As I laid in bed, on a towel, I called my mom almost in tears.  I had no idea this is what the miscarriage experience was like.  I feel awful for everyone that has had to endure this. I let her know about my constant bleeding and my pain.  She told me to call the RN on call and let them know what I was experiencing and see if they could call something in and what I should do moving forward.  The nurse wasn’t able to say much.  She couldn’t give me anything for pain.  She directed me to go to the ER if I was going through a heavy pad or more in an hour.  I am pretty sure I was.  I stood in the shower and there was a constant stream of blood.  If it stopped, there was a big clot to come out and then it would resume.  I didn’t want to get out of the shower because there was no way to get out, put a pad and underpants on before bleeding all over the bathroom.

The nurse did say she was putting in orders for me to have an ultrasound in the morning at SGF and see what my next steps are.

grief and peace

I had a rough night last night.  I had a hard time sleeping.  Bethany and I were texting late into the night and I woke up really sad.  I went downstairs and cried to my dad in the garage a little bit.  I think that while I am definitely at peace with everything, that doesn’t mean I am not upset and I need to go through the grieving process.  Once I talked myself through that, I started feeling better, allowing myself to cry and feel those emotions that I am experiencing.  I think that being at peace makes it easier, but it doesn’t take the feelings away.

I spent the day pretty cranky and very very tired.  I have no patience which isn’t fair to anyone.  I have to keep telling myself to take a deep breath, walk away and cry if I need to or just close my eyes for a second.  No one else deserves to be at the receiving end of me not feeling well.

Bethany reached out today asking if she could stop by in the morning on her way back to Northern Virginia.  I am so thankful I will get to see her!

money money money

This is all such a racket.  Everything is about billing and money it seems.  How about we step aside and just put the patient at the forefront and forget everything else!  No way, that cannot be done – everybody has to get paid (which I understand, but why do we have to do so much extra?).  VCU called to tell me that my personal OB can get me on the calendar Tuesday for an ultrasound with hopefully scheduling a D&C for Wednesday.  I don’t understand the need for another ultrasound.  I have had two with no heartbeats.  Why another?  Oh, that’s right, they want to bill my insurance for it!  Whatever, I just want the show on the road so I accept the appointments.

Ever since arriving at my parents last night, it seemed like there was an elephant in the room.  I had to ask my parents if they were upset with me.  Quickly they said absolutely not, they are just worried about me.  I get it, but they didn’t sign up for this additional heartache either.  I think we are all just really sad right now.  We are all so invested to help provide a family for Bethany and Phillip and this has crushed us. 

My dad, Meade, a couple friends and I spent the afternoon fishing.  It was a great day!  Once after peeing on the boat, I saw a little bit of blood with the wipe.  Maybe my body is starting its own flushing process?  We shall see. 

Still no word from the financial coordinator at SGF – she must be really busy.