discomfort

This week has been difficult when it comes to the PIO shots.  For the first time in a long time, my bottom has been itching pretty badly and the initial sticks are much more uncomfortable than normal, even with the preventative icing.  Yesterday, the shot wasn't too bad at my parents, but when I got home, the site was super itchy and raised.  This morning, it is like a have a welt the size of a silver dollar - red and raised.  Who knows what is different?

I am looking forward to celebrating little Meade today with some friends as she will be 4 this coming Wednesday.  Hard to believe!  

thoughts or feelings?

If I am being brutally honest, I have no idea what to think about what I am feeling and frankly, I wish I didn't think into all of this so much!  For the last few days, I have consistently felt awful and pregnant one day with all of the symptoms - tender boobs, headache, tummyache, can't think straight, etc.  So, in those moments, I am pretty sure I am pregnant, but also can't help but remember the November transfer when I felt everything and was shocked with a failure.  On these days, I pray a lot, asking God to let me truly feel only what is going on with my body and not what my mind wants to feel.

The day after the most tell tale symptoms, I feel nothing - I feel great, like I could conquer the world!  The only consistent feeling is fatigue, but that is just being a working mom I think - I can't remember a day in the last 6 years that I haven't felt that.  On these days, I pray that I am pregnant and that this will be the easiest one I have, if I can feel like this half of the time!

I have been making myself eat chicken, trying to see if it can be stomached.  So far, so good.  One of the weirdest things is that Diet Coke tastes strange.  Y'all DC is my lifeline and has been for years!  My daily routine is to grab a fountain one from the local convenience store and then typically have a couple more cans throughout the day.  If you remember, this is the one thing that Bethany had asked me to reduce consumption of during pregnancy.  Earlier this week, it just didn't taste right.  I haven't given it up yet, but I plan to next week, just to see how I can survive without it.  What's the point if I am not enjoying it?

All of this rambling is to basically say that I have absolutely no idea if I am pregnant or not.  Goodness, I hope so with all of my might.  Several times I wanted to give in and go grab an at home test.  Bethany doesn't care, but doesn't want to know.  On the other hand, I want people to think that I have an iron will of patience (hahah, yeah right).  I can make it until next Tuesday!  Until then, I will keep praying and talking to God about it.  Asking for my mind to be put at ease - no reading into any feelings or letting my mind create symptoms - strength and peace if we get a negative test and healthy wellbeing throughout the next several months if we are lucky enough to realize a positive test.

sick or pregnant?

Today has been rough.  I know I am tired from the weekend but I could barely keep my eyes open at work.  During a 1.5 hour call with the larger organization (one that I did not have to actively engage), I laid my head down on the desk and I know that I dozed off at least three times.  Jacob texted to ask how I was feeling and I told him that I was either getting ill or I was pregnant.  I am so very tired, I feel like crap, my boobs hurt with the slightest touch, etc.  All of that said, I refuse to give into the feelings.  I am thankful that they are there, but I have to keep my mind away from "knowing" this is it.  I would rather guard myself and be pleasantly surprised later than just know and be devastated next week.

I also resumed my 5 mile morning walk today.  Maybe that could have been part of why I was so tired?  As the day went on, I started to feel a little better but the exhaustion never seemed to subside.  It is just after 6 and I fully expect to be in bed within the next hour!

On a different note, I am in a group on Facebook open to individuals that are surrogates transferring in January/February/March of this year.  Having the community is nice, but it can also be crazy.  I think I mentioned in one last time some of the ladies stress themselves out over home pregnancy tests.  (By the way, Bethany and I connected this morning.  She doesn't care if I do any at home tests but doesn't want to know what they say.  While there are times I want to run to the store to grab one, I think it makes more sense to let things be.)  Another lady reached out to me on messenger this morning - she is a surrogate that also transferred last Wednesday and is nearby - up in Northern VA.  That is pretty cool.  Most of the people I see in these groups are pretty far away.  She was very excited and told me about her at home test she took this morning in which there was a faint line or a "squinter."  What is really cool is she is a surrogate for a family in Lorton (also NoVA), where she carried their other child and delivered last year.  I think that is amazing that she is on another journey with them again!

needing diversions

I spent the weekend with the kids at my parents house.  It was nice because there wasn't much time to sit and think about what is going on, making the wait that much more difficult.  When we got home today, I was beat.  It is not that I didn't feel well, but more being just exhausted.  We were so blessed again today - David and Maria provided supper to us.  They brought Maggiano's and boy was it wonderful!  We have enough for another couple of nights as well!  

I prayed and prayed on the way home from Heathsville to be guided to create the most comfortable and happy place for this little embryo.  I am willing to do whatever it takes.  I felt a few twinges of cramps - possibly implantation?  See, that is the problem with this two week wait - every little feeling is dissected into what ifs.  It is so frustrating, but even harder to turn my mind off to it.  I have absolutely no idea what those little cramps were - it could have been gas pains - who knows!  Also, my boobs started to get a little tender this evening.  I know it is happening, but it could be for any reason and I cannot start to think it is because I am pregnant.  Last time around, with everything that I felt, I think that my mind exacerbated them all and then I was blindsided not to be pregnant.  

The waiting is really not that tough if I can keep my mind occupied.  It is when my mind wanders, my desire to connect everything to a positive pregnancy test is most present.  Please say a prayer for me - that I let my mind ease, not allowing all of the external "noise" to come into play.

lucky already

I must say, when I think about the transfer yesterday, I can't begin to tell you how lucky we have been.  There was a snow/ice storm this past weekend that didn't mess up our travel and again another one today.  Gregory was out of school again - on top of being out Monday.  Thank goodness he was able to go yesterday so that I could get up to MD seamlessly!  The one that hit today also closed schools (for both kids).  Let me tell you - there is a lot of yelling in this house today - as I do my darnedest to keep them happy and also work.

Then, to think back on the COVID scare, my goodness - we really lucked out on that front!

To add to how lucky we all are, Barbara (Jacob's mom) brought over supper last night.  Not just any supper but Chick Fil A - what a treat!  We rarely eat out and that fast food is not on the top of our list even though it is delicious!  It is hilarious that Jacob requests no chicken, but then wants Chick Fil A - guess he doesn't want any grilled/roasted chicken.  It is a staple in this household.  Looks like there is more yucky weather to come.  The kids and I are hoping to get down to my parents for the weekend, I suppose we shall see!

quick and easy

I was to go upstairs at 9 and my transfer appointment was at 930.  I went upstairs at 9 - still no call from Kim or anyone affiliated with the embryo - thank goodness!  I was called back within 10 minutes - I only had time to read three different devotionals to get me grounded.  

Dr. Nair was in quickly and there were no issues, other than the embryologist not hearing us when we were ready for the embryo.  So, waited maybe two minutes at that time in which Dr. Nair said it is actually good to allow the catheter to settle a little bit.  Another item that made the transfer go a little slower (but a non-issue), was that Dr. Nair had a difficult time getting the catheter through the cervix at first.  She tried a few times and then let up on the speculum a little bit.  Apparently the speculum is what was causing a little barrier but once she eased up on that, all was good to go!  The embryo was transferred with no problem and the embryologist confirmed that it is now in my uterus - not still in the delivery tube (I have no idea what that is actually called, but here's my totally technical guess).  

As my kids say a lot these days (must be going around the schools) - "easy peasy lemon squeezy!"  Below is the video of the transfer.  It is only twenty seconds and shows the ultrasound of my uterus during the procedure.  You will see a line coming up from the bottom right reaching toward the middle of the screen.  That is the catheter moving further into the uterus.  Once it settles, you will see it move a little further and then a small item shoot from it, hopefully landing in the uterus wall.  That was the embryo!  A long day on the road for an office visit of less than 20 minutes for a procedure less than 20 seconds!  I was out at 932 to give Bethany another big hug and get on the road!

The way home was much like the way up.  Since the entire drive to Maryland I was focusing on me and this journey, I decided that I also needed to incorporate all of my other prayers that do not involve me, but for others in need.  There wasn't too much traffic and I was home by 1145!  Can't beat that!

riding solo

Yesterday, I went through a million different scenarios of who I could invite to go with me today and honestly started writing texts to ask.  Each time, I deleted those texts - I couldn't get myself to ask anyone.  I knew I would be okay on the road and the last few days have been a whirlwind so having some time to myself seemed like the best option.  Boy am I glad I listened to my heart verses my mind.  I am overly extroverted and want to be around people at all times, but my heart was saying that I needed some downtime.

The ride up this morning was beyond beautiful.  I went to church a lot in college and was even "adopted" by the pastor and his wife as a part of their family in the college program.  They were the most lovely family.  I would have said back then that my faith was strong, but it wasn't - I was merely going through the motions.  However, I had a few worship CDs from back then that I listened to the entire way up - singing my heart out praising God.  Every few minutes, I would look over to my right and see the sun rise coming up through the trees on 95.  It was breathtaking.  During songs I didn't know the words to, I found myself just talking to God, praying for all of us and this journey.  I got up here a couple of minutes ago and just went to go potty and start drinking the water that I have to have before the appointment so my bladder fills adequately for transfer.  

Bethany is on her way.  There has been no call yet to indicate that the embryo was not viable (so I assume it is fine).  I am responding to texts and making a couple of calls, just taking it all in.  I am pretty nervous, which I think is healthy.  I am praying hard that these nerves are justified in that my life is going to be upturned for the next 8-9 months - which is what I so desire.

Thank you for being on this road with me yesterday, today, and tomorrow.