eating good

This evening, Cheryl and Steve brought supper again.  I can't get them to stop offering, but then again, can't get myself to stop accepting their willingness to go above and beyond.  The relief of not having to figure out what to make for supper, and making it is huge.  They have promised over and over that they enjoy cooking for us and we are so very thankful.

We were beyond spoiled tonight.  We had the distinct pleasure of having delicious lamb chops, asparagus, and homemade macaroni and cheese.  Plus, we have at least two more meals taking us through the weekend!  You can't ask for much better than that!  They had no idea that lamb is one of my favorite things - reminds me of my Mediterranean roots and more specifically, my Tita.  I rarely buy lamb and if I do, it is typically ground lamb for burgers.  The children thought the "steak" tasted different, but they really enjoyed it.  (We didn't feel like explaining the lamb/sheep truth and it was likely a good idea.)

Amazing is the only word that comes to mind.  Beyond tonight's supper, they provided another meal that we were able to freeze for another day!  The other big win when they deliver food is that we get to give hugs and chat for a little bit, which is always wonderful.  Staying connected is huge and I am so thankful for their constant generosity!  Their grandgal is eating well, for sure!

90 miles

I just got in from my morning walk - I am proud to say that I walked a total of 90 (NINETY) miles this month!  Crazy!  I can't believe I did it.  I am pretty uncomfortable now, but it was worth it.  This exercise is truly the only reason that I am doing as well as I am, mentally and physically throughout the entire pregnancy.  Of course, I still have struggles, but I can't imagine how much worse they'd be without my walking routine.

take all my money!

If you know me, you know I hate spending money.  I have never felt that there was a justified reason to pay someone to do something that I could do.  Yes, time is money, but I am all about doing and saving verses hiring and spending.  Let me tell you, I will hire a house cleaner over and over again moving forward!  What a relief!

I decided to put aside some funds that my parents gave us as gift for the move towards hiring help for cleaning the house, top to bottom - twice!  Once this month and once again next month.  My dear friend, Kristi cleans as a side gig and boy is she really wonderful.  I have gotten her to help in the past yet I got down on the floor with her and we worked side by side (to save me money and have vested interest in keeping it clean).  This time, being in the later stages of pregnancy, I did almost nothing. It has been the greatest stress relief thus far.  

Jacob definitely helps if asked, but not having to ask and getting a good deep clean has been worth every penny.  It is kind of disgusting how yucky the house really was.  I guess I always assume that when I move in, it has been deep cleaned.  Nope, that "broom clean" in the contract doesn't cover much ground!  

The hardest parts of this entire endeavor were committing financially and relinquishing the control.  I think I have grown to realize what is most important - spend the money and know it is in the entire family's best interest to make it happen.  The only problem now is that I may integrate this into the monthly budget!  So be it!

subsequent failures

I must say that while everything with the pregnancy is going pretty well, I am finding myself struggling as a parent.  I feel that this process is taking a toll on the entire family.  While I have written about Jacob, the kids are acting out and being little jerks more and more often these days.  There is never an excuse for them to be assholes, but I know that the environment I am creating, by being fatigued, uncomfortable, and cranky, is not helping the situation at all.

For instance, Meade is "forgetting" to go to the bathroom.  Instead, she would rather pee in her pants and stink all day.  It makes no sense to me.  I think we have gotten to the point that she isn't doing it at school - if she does she is sure to tell me that "the teachers didn't saw it," which obviously makes it okay.  That, or she uses the potty all day, as she should, and then proceeds to pee in her pants on the two minute drive home from school.  It makes no sense to me.  Jacob and I have tried to bribe her with special treats, but it isn't really working.  

Gregory is becoming extremely bossy when it comes to Meade.  Sometimes he is truly doing it to help, other times he is doing it to be a pain to Meade.  Either way, it starts unnecessary fights and then I end up yelling at both of them - because he needs to mind his business and she needs to do what I had already told her to do and he was repeating.  Gregory's favorite come backs now are "I don't care" and "it doesn't matter."  It takes all I have not to go off when he says these things.  In addition, he is not listening to his coaches at soccer or at ninja monkeys.  I am about to take those items away if he doesn't get his act together.  It is so embarrassing witnessing this with others - I'd much rather it only be an issue with me and Jacob.

I know I am not failing but boy are these children making it tough for me to be successful as a mom.  I keep saying this is an age, stage, or phase and this too shall pass.  I do think that a lot of it has to do with everything going on and I hope that once we deliver this baby, things will settle down, I can devote more time to the children, and behavior gets better.  It is pretty sad that I am afraid to open the app that Meade's teacher uses in fear of a bad day note or Gregory's folder when he gets home for the same purpose.

let's celebrate Jacob

I have been celebrated too much and too often through this process.  Yes, it is nice at times, but really, this is God's will.  I am just his vessel.  I am so happy to be in this situation and while none of it has been easy, we are preparing to provide the gift of life.  I cannot wait.  Honestly, being the recipient of so many gifts and kind words often makes me uncomfortable.  I am not doing this for any of the accolades, the satisfaction to help create a family is more than enough kudos.

I have tried to convey this to most people in our village.  As of late, I have started to tell others that if they'd like to do something, make it all about Jacob.  He has been here, supportive and helpful since day one.  He gets so frustrated because I am tried and cranky much of the time - which is proving to get worse as the day goes on.  This makes him cranky and together it just isn't fun.  However, as I mentioned previously, getting Jacob celebrated has been a Godsend.  I am so happy that others are recognizing him and all of what he does to make the entire process work.  

To give you an idea, it is rare that I bathe the kids anymore - he takes care of that most nights.  Many evenings, I have no energy to do anything and am so uncomfortable, I must lie down.  This is typically in the six o'clock hour.  He doesn't say a word, just tells me to go upstairs and he handles the night time routines with the kids.  If I happen to stay up late enough to get the kids to bed, there is no way that I can carry either one up the steps, which is what they are accustomed to.  So, Jacob often carries both kids up two flights of steps to get them in bed simply because I can't.  

Much more than before, Jacob is stepping it up with loading/unloading the dishwasher, doing laundry, keeping things clean, etc.  I am hoping this continues for years to come, but our marriage has always worked well with me taking most of that on.  

I am so appreciative of all he does for each of us and how he keeps the house going on a daily basis.  Please know that your extra thoughts, prayers, and acts of kindness specifically to praise him are felt and are truly making a difference in our daily lives.  It means more than you can understand!

oh therapy

I was pretty nervous as I went into the counseling session today.  Thankfully, I was dressed up (unfortunately for a funeral that I had to go home for) and even had make up on.  I don't know why, but it makes me feel better - fake it until you make it, right?  The therapist was lovely.  Of course, I talked the vast majority of the time.  I set the stage at the beginning to say that right now I want to focus on the present and get tools and guidance of how to be the best version of me through birth and then postpartum.  

I have so many skeletons and insecurities deep down and it will probably behoove me to work on those things, however I need immediate help and want to keep my priority on the here and now.

It was an interesting fifty minutes.  I laid it all out on the line.  The therapist didn't say much.  She basically validated that what I am going through is tough and that anyone would have problems facing daily activities at this time.  The validation was very nice to hear, but on the other hand, how can she help me?  Finally, we were at the juncture of should we continue or not.  I simply said that I am on board if she can provide guidance to me to work through these items and struggle less, I am all ears.  I think that the time was well spent just to develop a relationship.  We will meet again in a couple weeks and I hope that together we can come up with a game plan of different ways for me to think and/or act, approach and/or react so that normal life seems less difficult and more pleasurable.  

One small step to do the right thing - for me!

it is okay...

 ...to not be okay.

Today has been rough, for no reason.  As I sat down to do a puzzle this evening, it dawned on me that there doesn't have to be a reason.  On top of that, it is okay to not be okay.  I have recognized there are issues and I will work on those and be stronger when all is said and done.  While I'm in the thick of it, though, I am trying to embrace this tough time to truly learn more about myself and how I can be a better person - for me.  I often focus on being better for others but forget myself.  If I am going to make it out of this dim time with growth that is essential, then I need to be somewhat selfish.  Although, selfish in this manner means that I can be more and selfless for others down the road.

I don't know how or why I came to this epiphany today but if I can help one person to understand this, I will have done my job today.  We all struggle, we all face hardships.  No one is immune to the difficult times of life.  That is okay.  Put them into perspective.  Do your best to use them as learning experiences.  And, remember, it is okay to not be okay.